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Sanji never belonged there.
The rules, training, studies, uncomfortable dresses that made him feel bad, never being able to see his mother, the only one who treated him as he really was. When she died, everything got worse. His father gave an ultimatum that he had been holding onto for years because of Sora. “You will be a proper princess or you will rot in some corner of this castle.”As if the second option wasn't infinitely better. Since that day, his progenitor faked his death and locked him away from everyone.
It wasn't horrible there. He at least stayed away from all the idiots. The clothes that were given to him had less nonsense like skirts and ruffles, although they were still ugly dresses that didn't fit him. And he could cook. Sanji cooked a lot in this place. It helped pass the time.
But that wasn't life. The treatment of his brothers, the hair that couldn't be cut, the sadism that Judge had in invalidating everything he was all the time. It wasn't like this every day, Sanji even started to accept that this was his life for some time. But he wanted more. His dream was big. A vast sea, which interspersed the waters of all the oceans. The All Blue. He dreamed of this sea. He was content with his dreams. It was all he had after all.
The years passed and now, at almost ten years old, Sanji receives a sudden visit from his sister Reiju. The girl hurriedly said that he had no more time, opened his cell and asked him to follow her.
“Tonight you will suffer an attempted murder”, that's what she said.
And Sanji couldn't be surprised by that. He knew this place would end up killing him. If you think about it, he had already died some time ago. Since Sora was gone. Since he lost his mother's smile. No, he wouldn't let Germa take everything he has. He hasn't lost everything yet.
He follows Reiju through the castle, to the exit. She gives him a bag and kisses his cheek, saying that he should quickly go to the docks and escape on a ship.
“I hope we never have to see each other again. Goodbye brother.”
He then hides in a random alley and searches the bag Reiju gave him. There were clothes, the less stupid and chic of his brothers. There was some food, books. And a scissor.
He looked at the artifact, eyes shining. His hand runs through his hair as he gives a tiny smile. Sanji doesn't even think about it, he just cuts off his entire ponytail, keeping the strands very short, being careful not to make it uneven. Sanji finishes putting on his clothes, leaving the ugly dress behind. He goes to the docks and asks about a ride.
“What’s your name, boy?”
Boy. Yes, that sounded much better.
– // – // – // –
His first months at sea weren't that complicated. Definitely much better than being in Germa. Hiding your secret was easy. He just tried to avoid baths and changing clothes. And did this kind of thing when everyone was already asleep. Overall, life on this small cargo ship was peaceful. That was until that day.
It was night when he heard screams and thunder coming from outside. An invasion. “Damn red leg Zeff” he heard everyone say. It was all a mess, blood everywhere. Sanji ran around the ship, looking for an alternative, escape, fight back, whatever. He couldn't die now. Not until you get there.
He runs away from some enemies, stealthily takes down others, trying to find something he can do, a solution. Seeing the blood, the screams ceasing, he suddenly bumps into someone. A tall man with a scary mustache.
– Don't tell me you were the only one left. – The man said. He watched little Sanji, his scared expression looking at him. – A skinny, weak boy like that looks more like a scared little girl.
And that irritates the boy more than it should.
Zeff watches the little one's expression change drastically. A renewed energy taking over your face. Like pure hate.
– You ugly old man, I'm the manliest man on this entire ship. – He screams at the top of his lungs. – I won't let you stop my dream. I'm going to get to All Blue in this lifetime.
Zeff doesn't have time to be surprised by the sudden courage of the child in front of him. All Sanji remembers is the ship shaking a lot in the storm, and the water. Lots of water everywhere.
– // – // – // –
Overall, Zeff doesn't know how it all happened. He got shipwrecked with the brat and gave the food he had to him. Why did he do it? When the little one ran to his side of the small island, saying that a ship was nearby, Zeff thought that miracles existed. When the boy said he didn't know where he was going, Zeff thought he had nowhere to go either. He was old, playing pirates hadn't pleased him for a while, so much so that he wasn't too moved by losing his crew or his ship. He always thought about opening a restaurant, so maybe he would do that.
“Why don’t you come with me?”, Zeff proposes. Why? He doesn't know when he started seeing himself in the damn boy. When he started to remember. Remembering that he’s also had a dream.
They had the same dream.
Zeff remembers this. He looks at Sanji and sees himself in him. Somehow he want to take care. So that he can get where he wants. He looks at the boy in front of him, his little blue eyes glazed over at the idea of cooking for other people, much like the man himself was in the past. Before the world crushed it in him. Before he buried the person he was deep inside.
Zeff watches him hide his smile and mutter a disinterested 'ok'.
He won't let anything bad happen to Sanji now.
– // – // – // –
Time passes, they get a ship, employees, customers… More time passes and they lose employees and customers. And the cycle begins. In the end, only the tough ones remained. Some ex pirates who wanted to change their lives. The bad part was the temperament. But then your restaurant gets the wrong reputation and suddenly the customers are all bloodthirsty sadists, who are interested in the occasional tooth that a waiter manages to pull out of some snooty fop who owns the place. Well, it looks like your fame will follow you.
Sanji was becoming an exact copy of him. And Zeff didn't know how to feel about that. He was a brawler and wasn't afraid to stand up to his annoying colleagues. Sanji exploded every time Patty and Carne made fun of his voice or his appearance.
– You don’t look bad, little Sanji. – Patty said.
– Yes, you are all delicate, like a princess. – Carne complemented it.
– I swear I'll kill you. – He screamed. – I'm tougher and more manly than the two of them combined. I'm not a princess, I'm a cook!
– // – // – // –
Sanji always repeated this. And he was getting tired. After three years working with Zeff, Sanji became increasingly reclusive. He was now 14 years old, his breasts were starting to get harder to hide, his entire body was taking a shape he didn't want. This led him to isolate himself from Zeff, they talked less and less. Sanji was afraid. Afraid of the rejection, of being invalidated by someone he learned to love.
This particular week, Sanji was in self-deprecating limbo, the dysphoria with his body getting bigger and bigger, the self-hatred consuming him. As if he were a transplanted organ being rejected by himself. Sanji had been in pain all week, that night he barely ate, he went to bed early. The stitches in his stomach are getting worse and worse.
That night he had a nightmare. He was in Germa, with the long hair and wearing royal robes. An eternal pretense. He couldn't take all this anymore. It seems like all things were leading him back to that place. He wakes up with a start, in a cold sweat, a wet feeling all over his body, but especially on his thighs. Confused, he looks down. The sight makes him lose consciousness for a moment. It was blood.
Sanji remains silent momentarily, it's not normal for blood to come out of someone like that. He freezes at the thought that the blood coming out of him was nothing more than a punishment, for trying to be something he is not. Judge was right after all. All this time his body went through trials and irritating changes that only depreciated him. And now he will bleed to death as a punishment for his greatest sin, that of going against his nature.
His breathing was uneven and he wasn't sure when he started crying and screaming, but he was doing it and only realized it when he appeared through his bedroom door.
– // – // – // –
Zeff didn't know what was happening to Sanji lately. Irritability, short and dry responses, distancing. He wanted to give space to whatever this was all about, thinking that Sanji would be able to handle it on his own, in addition to his lack of tact with a teenager. But hearing that desperate cry coming from his room woke him up. He doesn't know about the boy's past, whether when he cried he was alone. But the fact is, he doesn't need to be anymore.
With that in mind he opens the door.
His first reaction is to quickly walk towards the boy, it's a little dark, but he manages to find his bed.
– Sanji. – Zeff sits next to you, his hand running to your shoulder, holding it in comfort. The moment she lands on the boy, he falls into Zeff in a hug, crying desperately. – What happened, boy?
– Sorry, Zeff. – He said in tears.
– For what? – The man asks. – I'm sure you don't need to worry about that. What happened? – He tries to reassure.
– I shouldn't have lied.
- About what? – Zeff looks into his eyes, wiping his tears.
- I am not a boy. - He says. – I lied to everyone. I shouldn't have done that.
At first, he is confused by your words. Soon Sanji saying these things. Your eyes roam your figure, not knowing what to think, until your vision wanders across the rest of the bed.
Oh…
He sees the blood on the bed. And he realizes reality.
The constant self-affirmations, the way the boy always got angry when people made fun of his voice, his body. He never changed clothes with others, he always took a shower alone and with the doors locked. And this last week he was behaving differently.
Damn it. How did he not notice this?
- Son. – Zeff hugs him. – Don't say that again.
- What? – Sanji says more calmly, his breathing returning to normal.
– That you are not a boy. – He responds, your hand stroking his head.
– But I shouldn't be one. – Sanji sighs. – Thinking like that is hurting my body.
– Why do you say that, little idiot? – Zeff laughs.
– He hurts all over, my head hurts. And now I'm bleeding. I think I'm going to die.
– Oh, son… – Zeff hugs him again. - You're not going to die. This blood is normal, everyone has it.
- Everyone?
– Not all men. Only those like you.
- Like me? Like…
– Son, you are not the only trans man in the world. – Zeff laughs.
- What is that? – Sanji is confused.
Wait, what? He does not know? Zeff can't believe this. He can't imagine what Sanji's mind was like these past few years. Where he comes from, what he's been through. Zeff is sure it wasn't pleasant. Thinking all this time that there is something wrong with you. Zeff wants to kill the person who put this idea in his head.
– Yes, trans men. – He explains. – They are those who were born… er… well… with a…
Sanji furrows his eyebrows, not understanding. Zeff gestured, not knowing what to say.
– These are men who don’t have…
– …A penis? – Sanji complements his speech. He blushes, shy at the realization.
– Yes. Just like Patty.
– Is Patty like me?! – Sanji asks, his eyes widening impossibly.
- Yes.
– But he’s huge. – Sanji smiles. – And hairy.
– Even more than me. – Zeff laughs.
– How?
- What? Do you want to be like him? – He questions, until Sanji confirms. – I can ask him to talk to you. He must still be awake. Maybe he has something to cover it up. – He points to the blood.
Zeff sees Sanji's smile widen like it hadn't in months. He really loved this brat, didn't he?
– So… – Sanji looked down, his face contemplative. – Am I a real boy?
– “The manliest man on this entire ship.” – Zeff smiles back, remembering the time they met.
The time everything changed.
And that he had a son.
Zeff would take care of this boy. Because this has become your new dream.