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I. Peace.
The first time Cloud opened his eyes, he thought it was but another dream.
There were many dreams in the unknowable passage of time in which he had lost his freedom, for he had become nought but a series of strange thoughts trapped in an unresponsive body. Those dreams were always green, so green he could barely stand how fluorescent the grass was, the waters were, everything this hazy, sickly neon that warbled and flowed like smoke. Nibelheims dancing fire was lime, the skin of his smiling mother seafoam, the lights at his training sessions in Shinra emerald. This was different, though. When his half-open eyes spied green, it was the dangling of fern and moss, being swayed gently by a soft breeze… they hung from a small cave lip of steel stone, the same hue as the distant sky. Those little strings of flora tussled by the wind, root-kissed and covered in shiny drops from the rain… it felt so real. It was a struggle, but slowly, heavy eyes lifted and halfly opened--
And just like that, he was… awake.
All at once his senses clambered back, and though there was no movement in his limbs he could feel and smell and hear and a soft, silent gasp escaped him as momentary panic gripped him firmly; where? When? If every inch of his body could have tensed he would have become ridgid; but as seconds passed and nothing bad came to be, Cloud swallowed down the medley of anxiety a little when blurry rationale sprang to his mind. No, this couldn’t be Shinra, they operated in metal and electronics and this was most definitely… away. Somewhere. ‘Outside’ answered the ‘where’, but instead of concentrating on the ‘when’, the infantryman had begun to realize that there was another factor at play in the scene-- the ‘who’. It was not a warm scene that his fuzzy eyes had captured, and yet, warmth remained. The rain pattering down gently, the smell of petrichor and the tassels of green overhead became blurred as light sensitive eyes focused on the threads of something before him, the fringes of something burgundy and fluffy was pulled up to his throat-- it did not quite reach his boots, but it served his arms well-- a blanket of some kind. It was not the sole source of the heat.
Cloud was moving of his own accord, so gently and so softly the man had thought it had been but a wobbling of his eyesight, but no… as sure as the sights, he could feel the furl of ribs and muscle against his skin. Breathing. He had thought it had been his own pulse against his side. The slow, strong beating of another’s heart juxtaposed with the rushing of breath against the top of his head conflicted him greatly, for it made him feel vulnerable as much as it eased his frayed nerves, but the welling of mistrust and unease that had been rising like well-water fueled by the storm immediately ceased when he realized just who the ‘who’ was-- the slightest view of a bare arm, thick, knitted material in the color black, the sheer absurdity of simply laying on the bare ground to sleep in the cold, forgoing a blanket to his friend instead of even attempting to gather any part of the material for himself--
It could only be Zack Fair.
No other dog in the military would have cared enough about lowly Cloud to drag him from the claws of Shinra into where-ever-they-were, and the blonde didn’t think there were many people left in the world selfless enough to do so. Fueled by confirmation, he begged his body to move, just a little, but his arms and legs acted as if they were no longer a part of him and lay as dormant as they had ever been. They weren’t needed, however. The gentlest, most minute tipping of his head, mere centimeters, brought with it a welcome sight indeed; the bottom-most prongs of an ‘X’ kissing his savior's jawline… and all at once, the tension left him. In its stead came nothing but sheer relief dashed with happiness, Zack was alive. He was alive, asleep and sprawled out beneath him like a personal comforter. And they were far away in the wilds, away from gloved hands and surgical tools, the smell of bleach and blood and, and, those memories made a shudder run against his spine and spread a coldness through his veins that felt like someone had injected ice straight into him.
Cloud didn’t want to think about the hazy recollections he had of the past, not now. He breathed in the scent of sweat and dirt and rain that clung to the others uniform and felt the ghost of a smile fall just short of his lips, if he could have curled his fingers to cling to the other man harder, he would have. Comfort. There was so much he wanted to say and wanted to do, he wanted to give the other some of the blanket, wanted to babble questions about the ‘how’, wanted to berate Zack for actively dragging him along and putting himself in more trouble than it was worth, but couldn’t. No noise came from his throat. No movement from his limbs. Instead of straying into the usual thoughts of helplessness and uselessness, those blue-green eyes watched the vines weave, and the raindrops fall, and the sky tumbled darkly above the trees afar. No metal, no humming electric, no violent, violent green. His heart was beating against Zack’s own, fluttering and uneven, but the more he listened to the impossibly slow thudding of the others life beneath him the calmer his grew… two metronomes falling into a dance with one another.
He did not want to sleep, Cloud wanted to spend the hours before him blurry-eyed and gazing at an ever tumultuous sky, listening to the other exist. His savior, the man who had taken the time to steal him away from the clutches of death, the one who made that rainy day feel like the beginning haze of a warm summer night…
The lightest shades of pink dusted the bridge of his nose.
II. Fear.
The next time Cloud opened his eyes, it was frightening.
He didn’t know why he had expected the same sort of serenity that had been gifted upon him before, their situation was not true freedom, but in those moments it had almost felt like it. Now, lungs heavy with peppery smoke that made his eyes water and his nose run, all was darkness and the pitched shrill of gunfire overhead as bullets whistled carelessly overhead. If before had been a reprieve from whatever situation he and Zack were entangled in, this was the bitter truth, the eighty percent; cowering under the cover of night within a stack of wooden crates, coiled close together like foxes in the den with hounds at their ankles. Cloud couldn’t read the words burned into the sparse wooden cover. He could not understand the jeering taunts of Shinra grunts trying to flush them from their hiding spots. His existence was a strong arm holding him close, skin freckled with debris, a black shirt heavy with the scent of iron.
When a mighty crack sounded above them, a bullet striking the top of one of the boxes above, Zack did not flinch. This was not like before, the warmth that radiated from his saviors body was fire that came to burn the blondes ears with every exhale, and there was no metronome, his heart-beat was the furious galloping of an animal who was not fearful, but instead was anticipating the moment of the pounce. Cloud knew that such a show from the enemy would not sway the others emotions. That heavy breathing was controlled when it fell from his open mouth, every inch of his muscles were tense and stiff and almost electrified with threat, at any instant this beast in waiting would spring… and they would never see it coming. The immobile infantryman knew that this was a being that would-- had-- killed for him, and would do so again if the need arose, but still…
It was frightening.
To suddenly awake in a warzone without any memory of how they’d gotten there or what had happened before-- it did not make him any less than a man to admit to himself that he was not like Zack. He was not an apex predator amongst armed sheep, there was still no motion in those useless, scrawny limbs and his throat had no voice to wield… Cloud was merely a target sheltered, a living doll. Another bullet whizzed past them but a foot away, striking glass somewhere afar so violently that the melody of its destruction spurred those base feelings of fear into a muted panic that had no whimper nor the ability to hide further beneath the SOLDIER’s bent-backed form. Instead, silently, embarrassingly, adrenaline made his small form start to shiver with the stress of the next second being the one that brought about an effortless final sleep. There would be no waking up again. All it took was a single stray bullet.
“Shhhh… shhhh…”
The response was almost instantaneous; Cloud’s view became completely black as that arm that had been curled about his waist pulled him closer still, close enough that they were no longer two shapes but one in the shadows of their crumbling wooden pillar. He was captured with a chin resting gently upon his skull, Zack’s soft sshhhing breathed gently against his skin with such a softness that the blonde was confused at how in one second this man could be the threat of death, and in the next a kindly salve that soothed the same threat of death reversed-- though the quivering had not stopped, Cloud believed his shield was unwavering. Unyielding. He made a great effort to minutely rub his cheek against the others chest in subtle thanks in a gesture that barely existed, and was rewarded with a retrained, muted snicker that he heard form in the others throat before it tumbled from his lips.
Perhaps Zack thought it was an unconscious action… it was not.
When the gunfire waned and the sound of boots retreating elsewhere began to fade, Zack’s grip slackened just a touch as the tenseness shed from his form; no longer did they need to murmur and stay still as stone. The blood, the dry smoke, the shattered glass, Cloud tried his best to tell himself that this would be the only time that this would happen and that the moment was gone, just so his tired, frazzled body would stop its shaking, but no matter how many times he swallowed the smell remained. The sounds rang in his ears. All he could see was darkness unending with stinging eyes that struggled to stay open, and in his misery the man expected the arm that kept him sitting upwards to leave… but it didn’t. Instead, tender words made the threat of tears real.
“We’re good… we’ll move when you’re ready.”
They… survived. They were alright. Against the muddied skin of Zack’s arm, Cloud thought hazily about how, as long as Zack stayed at his side, everything was going to be… good.
III. Shame.
The cold bite of winter months manifested like steely jaws coming to bite the land, for sometime in his sleeping state the world had turned and the wind had become bitter and sharp. His eyes were treated to smudges of white against a grey landscape peppered by the beginning of snowfall, though the encroachment of the substance ended at his boots-- the blanket was back, but his bones ached. Cloud could see another ledge above him, but this time his small form was curled up smaller so that only his features above the eyes were visible, chaffed red by the howling threat of sullen skies just beyond his field of view… and in the moment, there was the prickling of panic. Where was Zack? His jaw fidgeted and teeth softly clacked but once again no words crawled out of that numb throat of his, eyes rolling about weakly in his sockets to try and catch a glimpse of his savior; a hand came. The delving of fingers against his shoulders from the side, a gentle touch that stopped the meaningless struggle of the blondes body the instant they graced his form.
“S’ok, Cloud… I’m still here.”
Zacks voice. It crackled like fire. It splintered like ice to the bow of a ship, it did not ease his weariness as his skull rocked upon the spot with his vague attempt at movement… he had to see. Cloud wanted to see why there was a thread of misery skirting the fringes of his friends words, but his silent, jumbled request for movement was not answered. No hands came to move his skull, none came to adjust his view, coiled tight in on himself he felt like an animal pining for its master just beyond its bleak window of a thousand shades of cobalt and powder and slate… white on white, the flecks turned from spotting to blotching. Snow tumbled down in silence as the light began to die behind the bent branches of summer trees stripped bare, and Cloud was cold, but he knew the other was colder. Upon his side he watched his tiny shelters boundaries with abject horror because his position, for the space he occupied was only big enough for him. That blanket was only big enough for his top half.
It couldn’t be… that…
The blondes will could no longer be contained by the flesh he had come to loathe. The breath in his lungs could not be controlled, but still he wrestled with his own ribs to try to take a deep breath so that, if mercy was permitted, he could at least speak the SOLDIER’s name-- they stayed tight. It would not obey the miserable creature, that body of his was running on auto-pilot and even the blazing of emotion dancing like embers at the back of his throat could not conjure a single word, nor a bellow, nor even a wail. Cloud still wrestled clumsily on. Limbs moved a few centimeters, fingers twitched, teeth once again clacked and nostrils flared, he was filled with hostility; for himself, for the other, for the sacrifice. Once again the hand came to settle against his shoulder, but it was not enough-- he shuddered and wiggled and without warning the mechanisms that made up the machine of his body gave way, for just a moment, for just an instant--
A short, soft, pitched whine.
The noise seemed to automatically drag a response from Zack, who he heard quickly adjust himself via the creaking of leather and a short huff out in concern.
“Hey… what’s wrong? Cloud?”
He wanted to see him.
He wanted to see what he knew in his heart was the truth, but could not conjure up the noise again. Once again the creasing of leather came, the abandonment of a glove to brush the back of a hand against his wards temple; the touch was ice cold. In a response that could not be controlled Cloud flinched heavily and once more began his tireless fight to talk or beckon or move or anything-- just to do anything-- that would get his point across that that window he sat at was no longer what he wished his eyes were hazily focused on. It was only by sheer luck and misunderstanding that said wish was granted. A hand came beneath to touch at the soft underside of his jaw, tilting his fluffy head backwards in a movement that gave him his ‘new view’--
“See? I’m still here.” Uneasy laughing, he saw mist form at the others mouth at the action. “Were you worried because you didn’t know where I was…?”
Cloud stopped fighting.
He was gazing up, starry eyed at an image of a man that had snow settled against his raven-colored locks, upon the curves of his strong shoulders, kissing his skin blue and glazing it with droplets that slid silently down pale skin. As it continued to fall it had turned his black uniform into a mixture of pepper and salt, it was a blanket that both numbed and caused pain, it had turned his chapped lips grey and had ensnared those bright eyes with eclipses of violet… there really had not been enough room under the shelter for both of them. Guilt struck that now motionless form to the bone. His shield, his safety was not iron and steel, it did not stand idly through storms unbent… he was a person, just a person. Zack cared… he cared so much.
“... Can you see me?” It was spoken with the intent to gauge whether the other was comforted by the sight.
Cloud wanted to scream.
IV. Affection.
Suddenly, he was vividly aware that he was being talked to.
“--uess ‘cus it’s finally spring, so.”
Everything was sunshine, the meadows lacked the sheen of his dreams and instead were pastel and soft in their pleasant greenery. Flowers popped up in shades of white and pink every few feet, pretty colors that seemed to stretch on endlessly into a valley of rolling hills, but his eyes were focused more upon the man sitting cross legged in front of him. Zack, as bloody and dirty as ever with his torn uniform and messy hair… wore a smile upon his face that only grew bigger when he noticed that Cloud was looking at him--
“Oh, oh! You see it, right? Black, blue and green… right there!”
That innocent, carefree attitude that engulfed the others demeanor made it hard for the blonde to look away, but he tried. Tried his best to turn his eyes upon one of the few trees close to them at the meadows edge in a jittering manner, where upon the branch a vague shape in those colors sat; a bird of sorts. Even squinting did not put it into focus, but indeed, it was there… Cloud’s vision lingered there for a few beats before returning to the original subject, who had exploded with excitement--
“Yeah! Don’t tell anyone this, but Angeal loved his gardens.” It was spoken with a great amount of fondness that managed to almost smother out the sadness that came with the usage of the past tense. “He used to tell me all this stuff about the birds that visited. That one over there, it’s a ‘Greater Kana.’”
There was something about the way Zack gazed upon that bird… even ringed by the poison of mako, his expression was… sweet. Heartfelt. Sitting there with his hands furled upon his boots, chattering about birds, it sparked an emotion in Cloud’s chest that made him feel like every inch of his skin was suddenly burning with the brightest red in the fields. The SOLDIER was so effortlessly tender that it made the blonde want to giggle, but not in mockery. Warfare and torture had not stripped the other of his ability to look upon the world and feel a semblance of beauty that Cloud himself thought he had long forgotten, but there, at that moment, he realized that even surrounded by the splendor of nature and a world not emptied of life that he would rather look… at Zack.
“Heh, he’d be so proud of me… he said that seeing one means someone's thinking about you. What do you reckon, Cloud?”
That man who had killed, froze, burned, sheltered, protected… the blonde watched the others shoulders rise with expectation, pinned by an expression that gave way to a slanted mouth grin.
There was nothing more he wanted to do in that moment than answer. Yes, he was thinking about him. Every single moment the world gifted him with a sliver of sensibility and soundness, every time his tired eyes fluttered open, the first thoughts that clambered into his cotton-stuffed head was Zack, where was Zack and how was Zack. Sitting there halo’d by the sun amongst the swaying of meadow-covering, the sight was enough to make his usually autonomous cycle of breathing stutter, a desperate plea with whatever Gods sat below and above, please, please, just one signal, just one sign, for the land was warm and the sky was clear and there, gazing back, was the one who had given so much blood and sweat for his existence--
“Woah… did you just nod? You’re nodding… at me?”
The motion had been sloppy, and when there was an attempt to repeat it Cloud nodded so hard in a single head bob that he almost toppled over. Before the threat of that could ever be summarized as a tangible possibility his savior had sprang from his sitting point to just in front of the other upon his knees, using hands against both arms to stabilize him. The bird, the trees, the flowers… they became eclipsed by the sight of his friends moon-like eyes, glittering with a thousand emotions. Like sapphires they caught his misty pupils, every glint, every gleam… the spots where Zack’s ungloved hands kissed his skin made him wonder that, if not for the sun, could there be a more warmer touch…? For once, the staticness of Cloud’s condition saved him, for he knew that if he had control of himself he would have devolved into an embarrassed mess at the flowery thoughts blossoming within his skull, thoughts that began and ended with that gentle smile the other was sparing him…
“... I’m gonna’ ask you a stupid question.” It wasn’t often that he got to see Shinra’s elite wearing rose upon his cheeks… Zack appeared to be startled, excited and coy all in one as his forward threads of hair grazed the dimples on his cheeks. A restrained smile. “Your nodding… it wasn’t a coincidence, right…? Did the Kana come for you, because you were thinking of… me?”
Cloud did not mind that the clumsy, dream-like nodding of his head sent him gently tipping forward to see his forehead softly against the others breastbone-- for a moment Zack stiffened beneath him in worry, but as the seconds wore on he came to realize that no… neither times had been coincidental. The fit of laughter that exploded from the bashful SOLDIER tumbled over his ears like bird-song, a sound that made his heart skip, made the cruxes of his eyes wet with emotion. Those faithful arms, those strong and steady arms, they came about him like the frayed tassels of the burgundy blanket not only to warm this time, not only to protect… but simply to hold. Zacks voice had become as gentle as rain,
“Aw, Cloud… I’m thinking of you, too.” The smile could be heard in his voice as fingers lent themselves to softly stroking his back. When words came again, they wobbled with tender emotion, “I’m always thinking of you.”
Beyond two figures entwined, the Greater Kana gave a soft trill, took wing, and disappeared into the vast, great blue.
V. Grief.
He wanted to close his eyes and never wake again, not till the sky churned grey, not till the fog of war settled, not till the snow fell silently, not till the birds came and sang their songs across the brilliant meadows. There was no longer a reason to open them.