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"Took you guys long enough."
They hugged him so tight it was amazing his shell didn't shatter. Neither of them took especial notice of Leo's remark. Leo wouldn't be Leo if he didn't joke even in the most dire moment. Splinter, April and Casey were all running towards them from different sides and soon brothers were swept in a giant human-turtle-rat ball which even Donnie didn't mind. Leo seemed the most desperate — even when the hug ball dispersed, he kept reaching to his siblings and dad squeezing their hands and shoulders as if not ready to go back to the concept of personal space. Everyone was elated — each member of Hamato family felt that shattering realization that their loved one is gone, but for them it lasted minutes — the pain hasn't settled as an endless void yet. For Leonardo it was different. The emptiness in him had time to take root and grow, stretching out in a million tiny cracks, chipping his soul piece by piece and feeding it to an unfillable void. Now that he recovered the missing part, he suddenly wasn't sure it would be enough to close the hole in his chest.
***
"Damn I've missed this!" said Leo almost inhaling his slice.
They treated Casey to his first ever pizza and the future boy has nearly melted into a puddle in delight. Tears of pure joy formed in his eyes at the taste of melted cheese spreading in his mouth — April teased him but Mikey hugged their new friend and exclaimed that exquisite taste of pizza always brings him to the brink of tears. The banter continued, only Leo wasn't taking part in it. He took another slice and wandered to the edge of the roof. The city was safe. It was already rebuilding and reviving after the attack. The streets were once again buzzing with traffic and people hurried to their destinations. Leo sat at the edge of the building staring at the motley crowd — he didn't dare to blink. Deep within a gnawing fear coiled around his lungs clenching them just hard enough to make a full unrestrained breath impossible. He feared if he closed his eyes even for a moment, all of it — the streets, the people, his family — would disappear and he will be back in a vast emptiness surrounded by the corpses of murder machines, his only company the Krang who would break his toy over and over again but would not allow it to die.
Raph sat beside him and the fear retreated into the depth as suddenly as it emerged. It didn't leave for good though. Leo was certain of that.
***
Raph was the first to notice something was wrong.
"I think I'm done for today," Raph rubbed his eyes but looked content. He finished filling the last hole in the wall made during an attack on their lair. "You?"
"I'll stay a little more — can't leave this beauty unfinished," said Leo motioning to the skate ramp.
"Okay," said Raph unconvinced. Leo looked more tired with each passing day and yesterday Raph saw him passed out on the table next to an unfinished bowl of soup. "You sure?"
"As April's aim, Raph-a-ello. Don't frown that mighty forehead, you'll make the crease worse."
Raphael scoffed but said nothing. He left Leo to his own devices and on his way to bathroom stopped at his brother's room. Everything seemed in order, maybe the bed looked too well made, as if no one was sleeping in it lately.
As the earliest riser in their family Raph prided himself on his discipline and being the one who finishes morning training by the time others get up. Today however he wasn't surprised meeting Leo in the kitchen first thing in the morning.
"Hey big bro, up already?" asked Leo cheerfully and took a sip from his cup.
Raphael regarded him with a deep frown.
"Since when do you drink coffee?"
"My energetic personality needs to get the energy from somewhere," the last part was muffled by a gigantic yawn. He gulped down the remaining liquid in his cup and set it down on the table with a loud 'clang'.
"How about you get it where the rest of us do and go to sleep?" suggested Raph.
"Who says I didn't? Needed a little booster, that's all."
"I walked past your room just now Leo, I know you didn't sleep there."
A shadow crossed Leo's face but it was gone in a blink and he smiled even wider than usual.
"Rela-a-ax. Who needs sleep? I don't," another yawn. "Anyways, if you need me, I'll be sorting Splinter's robes by color."
"Leo!" exploded Raph. He took a deep breath and started again quietly, "Leo. I know you haven't slept tonight. And most probably a couple of nights before. What's going on? Talk to me."
Leonardo stopped in his tracks. He was about to exit the room so he froze with his back to his brother, but Raph saw how tense his posture was.
"I—" he clenched and unclenched his fists. "I can't sleep."
"You having nightmares?"
Leo snorted.
"You can call it that way."
"I'm also having nightmares about that day. But it's over. We can move on."
Leo let out a chuckle which sounded suspiciously like a sob.
"You're right big bro. I need a little more time, that's all. Don't worry about me," he answered without turning and swiftly left.
Raph stood there not knowing whether to go after his brother or to give him space. He felt useless and powerless all over again. He would have fought anyone hurting his brothers. He would have broke and burnt anything causing them pain, but there was nothing to break and no one to fight. Raph smashed his fist on the counter in helpless rage.
***
Mikey knew his brother needed help but he didn't know how to help him.
"Aw, shoot, it's gonna burn. Leo, can you throw those carrots into the pan and stir a little?"
His brother, caught on his way past kitchen showed a mock salute and threw chopped vegetables into the pan. He didn't say anything but looked more distracted than usual. Carrots sizzled while Leo looked around for a spatula.
"Next to the oil," Mikey suggested as he threw peeled fish into a bowl and rinsed his hands. He took a tin can of asparagus and opened it.
A loud crash hit his ears. Mikey twirled around and saw Leo on the floor next to an overturned pan. He was trying to back away but his shoulders were pressed against the wall. Mikey darted to him.
"Leo, what's happening?"
There was nothing but pure unfiltered terror in Leonardo's eyes. Mikey tried to grab his shoulders but he howled "No!" and bolted to the right crashing into a counter. His hand banged against a salt shaker and he blindly threw it behind. Mikey had to duck away from the jar which hit the wall and rolled down to the floor. Without much thought Michelangelo jumped on his brother trying to pin him down before he hurt himself, but Leo was larger and managed to struggle away. Mikey didn't see any sparkle of recognition in his brother's eyes while he fought back. It was like he was somewhere else entirely.
"Leo, please, snap out of it!"
He couldn't reach him. As a last resort Mikey grabbed a pot with lukewarm fish broth and threw the liquid in Leo's face. He jerked and Mikey thought it didn't work but then the haunted look started dissolving, switching to confusion and disgust.
Leo's breath somewhat evened out and he glanced to the sides as if unsure.
"What is this awful smell?" he finally asked.
Mikey let out a shuddering breath.
"You're okay," he took a careful step towards his brother. "Are you okay?"
The next look on his brother's face Mikey knew too well. It meant he was already coming up with a pretense so good he would nearly buy it himself.
"Miguel, my man—"
His spiel was so passionately convincing Mikey almost believed they were playing a surprise game of tag but the overturned pan and saltshaker on the floor kept him from falling victim to Leo's charm. He summoned his best therapist voice and cut him off.
"Leo, Doctor Feelings thinks you are not being honest."
Mikey thought his brother might get defensive or deny anything's wrong. He never thought he'd get angry.
"And I think it's none of his business!"
Michelangelo was stumped. Leo never yelled at him before. Not seriously at least.
"I’m sorry, okay?" Leo cooled off quickly after seeing his younger brother’s hurt expression. "Just don’t make a big deal out of it."
"It was a big deal," said Mikey, "You didn’t even recognize me."
"I’m just dealing with stuff, you know? You don’t have to worry about it. I’ll be fine in an instant, you’ll see."
He said it with such sincerity, Mikey couldn’t help but trust him.
It almost looked like Leo believed it too.
***
Donnie confronted him head on.
"Were you ever going to tell us?"
He was sitting in an armchair in a dark room and looked extremely dramatic when Leo flipped the switch. Despite being a tech guy he had a knack for theatrics.
Leo dropped his head and sighed with resignation.
"I didn't want to say anything because I knew how much it would hurt you, but... You wear too much purple."
"What?.." said Donnie a full tone higher but instantly cut himself off. "No. No, no, no. You are not going to throw me off the topic. Were you ever going to tell us how much time you spent there?"
Leo's head shot up. There was no trace of joke in his expression anymore.
"How did you...?"
"Your clothes," Donnie said and paused. He watched his brother's expression as he pieced two and two together. "Did you think I would not get readings from the stuff that has been in another dimension? Do you even know me?"
Leo's look became haunted. His hands visibly trembled and Donnie suddenly realized he might not be fully equipped to handle this situation. He was going to press for explanation, he was going to interrogate Leo why didn't he tell his family he spent years in the prison dimension even though it has been weeks since the Krang attack. But seeing his aways confident and collected brother being unable to reign in a tremor shaking his whole body, Donnie realized how greatly he miscalculated.
"Sit. Tell me," Donnie demanded as he pushed down his own heavy feeling in the chest.
Leonardo all but crumbled on the chair beside him and sobbed looking at his hands, "I— can't."
"Of course you can," Donnie wasn't having any of it. His initial plan for confrontation has faded but he was still determined to get answers. "You have been a witness to a series of events, now you can list them in chronological order."
Overrationalized approach seemed to calm Leo a little. If he could tell himself, it was indeed a sequence of events, rather than something he had lived through, maybe he could bring himself to drag those years of pain out into the light.
He told Donnie everything.
How he spent years in the greyness of the fleet rubble, lit by a dozen remaining spotlights and a glowing red eye of the Krang's suit. How the Krang tortured him, letting him escape once in a while, but inevitably finding him amidst the debris. How he thought he can at least die from hunger or thirst but the Krang wouldn't allow it. How in the last months before his rescue he started considering ending his own suffering, the only thing stopping him being an unwavering belief the Krang would manage to revive him and inflict an even worse suffering as punishment.
Donnie listened silently, though in his mind he was clawing at his own throat to stifle a scream of fury and pain.
All the time Leo was talking he was looking at his hands. He needed something to ground him in the moment, he concentrated on a feeling of a glove on his palm. He stilled in shock when Donnie came in and hugged him.
"I would twist this alien's body into a rope and put it in a machine that pulls it apart thread by thread."
Leo snorted at this highly-specific threat. All of the words flowing from him a moment ago seemed blurry. The despair of those memories still entangled him, clenching to skin and pulling him down into a dismal pit, but he knew it wouldn't drown him. Not then and there at least.
He hugged his brother back.
"There's an evil genius sleeping in you, brother."
Donnie snorted just like Leo a moment ago.
"Nothing evil about this genius."
"When I die you should be the funny one," Leo meant it as a joke, truly, but even he felt uneasy at how grave it sounded.
"First of all, I am the funny one. Secondly, if you die, I'll find a way to resurrect you and then set Raph on you."
"And you dare say you aren't evil?"
"Maybe a little."
***
It took less than a blink for the word to spread out. Leo couldn't bring himself to repeat the story so he let Donnie play the recording. He sat in a room full of his loved ones and listened to his own breaking voice listing all the horrors of prison dimension. The room stayed silent throughout and Leo did not have the strength to face his family. How could he? He knew the story would only hurt them. He is supposed to be okay; he shouldn't be causing them distress about something that has already ended.
It felt wrong hearing someone else tell what happened, even if it was him from a few hours ago. He heard himself list all the different ways the Krang violated him and suddenly came to the stark realization how deeply traumatizing those events were. Leonardo almost burst out laughing — what a profound insight! He finally found the courage to look at his brothers: Donnie sat straight and unmoving like a stone, Raph clenched his fists so hard his hands paled, Mikey seemed to barely hold himself from dashing to Leo — they were all looking at him.
He turned his head to the left. April pressed a hand to her mouth trying to hold the sobs. The pain in Splinter's eyes could rival his own. And Casey... He understood.
The recording ended but no one moved. Leo stood from his place and came to his brothers' side. They silently made place for him to sit between them.
"You should have told us,” said Raph finally.
"I know."
"Will you be okay?" asked Mikey.
"I don't know."
"Even if you won't be, we're here," concluded Donnie.
Leo took an uneven breath. Maybe even broken things can be worth keeping.