Chapter Text
Hyunjin was walking back to his dorm. Danceracha just finished practicing and fine-tuning some parts of the choreography to their new title track "LALALALA" and now that they were all somewhat happy with the outcome they decided to call it a day and get back home. It was early October and the sunset just around the corner as the buildings and trees were gleaming in the last sun rays. Hyunjin couldn’t be happier to be able to walk the short distance between the dance studio and their dorms because in moments just like this one he was able to experience a bit of the world’s beauty. Everything was bathed in golden hues as the sun disappeared behind Seoul’s skyscrapers. His artistic heart melted just a little bit at this alluring scenery displayed in front of them. He quickly took some pictures with his phone and promised himself he’d put this memory on a canvas as soon as he was in his room. He snapped out of his daze-like state and hurriedly caught up to Felix and Minho who were too invested in their own conversation to notice that Hyunjin had fallen behind a couple of steps ago.
"But be sure to come back for dinner okay? I’ll make Dakkochi, that’s with chicken and you know ‘chicken has meat in it’", Minho teased Felix. "Hyung, I said that years ago. Don’t do that!", Felix whined back. "If I remember correctly - and I know I do - it was on October 19th 2022, so it was not even one year ago." "Oh come on, hyung, don’t you think STAY makes enough fun about that already?", Hyunjin joined in in the conversation. "Nevermind that, I think I might change dinner plans to air-fried dumplings", Minho grinned mischeviously. "Woah, hyung, you’re in meme-mood today?", Felix chuckled a little. "Anyway, I promise I won’t miss out on your delicious food." Right, Felix was gonna come over to their dorm to spend time with Changbin, his boyfriend, with whom he’s been in a relationship with since a few months. Nobody was surprised, really. Some of them even said they’ve waited for both of them to announce that ever since their "forced" kiss, which left Felix with a head as red as a tomato and a cackling Changbin. Of course Hyunjin had been - and still is - very happy for them, they are a pair made in heaven after all, but there was always the slight odd feeling. At first he didn’t understand why every time he saw them being so in love with each other that you had to look away he felt his chest sting just the tiniest bit. It had taken him a couple of months to realise and admit that he might like Felix just a little bit too much and that maybe, just maybe he missed the constant doting of the older a little bit too much as well. Ever since he admitted to himself that he likes them, both of them, he’d felt so incredibly guilty. He promised himself that he would never be so selfish to confess to any of them and possibly ruin their relationship or even end the friendship with Hyunjin. No, he wouldn’t be able to live without the other two in his life. He wouldn’t be able to bear it if they viewed him differently. If they were disgusted by him, if they- "Hyunjin!" Hyunjin’s head snapped up, he hadn’t realised he’d been too deep in his thoughts. "Are you okay? You didn’t react when I called your name", Felix asked worriedly, Minho’s face also holding a small frown. "Ah no, I‘m okay, I promise", Hyunjin answered with a slightly akward, practised smile. Neither of them believed him, he knew that. Minho observed him just a moment longer with his intense, all-knowing eyes, oh how he hated those eyes right now.
They dropped the topic, though, as they were in front of 3racha + Hyunji’s dorm and waited for him to enter the code so he and Felix could enter and Minho could walk to his respective dorm. He hadn’t even noticed that they’d arrived at their dorm. Just how deep in thoughts had he been? He entered the code and after bidding Minho goodbye and Felix having to promise again he’d be home for dinner they entered. The first thing they noticed was the smell of sweat wafting towards them. Oh how lovely his life was with the everliving stench of a teenage boy changing room mixed with a slight hint of chicken. Charming. He made a face, quickly took off his shoes and rushed into the kitchen to get a glass of water while trying to hold his breath. Felix followed shortly after, laughing as he saw Hyunjin almost hanging out of the window, desperately trying to fill his lungs with oxygen and get some fresh air into the apartment. "I get that they want to show off their muscles but why do I have to be the one enduring the side effects of them working out?", Hyunjin complained. "Oh come on, it’s not even thaaat bad", Felix tried. Hyunjin just gave him an ‘are you serious right now’-look. "Judge for yourself the next time Minnie and I burn whatever we try to make in the kitchen", the other just shrugged. "You sound like Changbin when you say it like that", Hyunjin playfully pouted. Felix giggled again - oh how he loved that sound - and seemed to remember why he was here in the first place. "They say you adapt to your partner’s habits after all, don’t they? Well, I should probably go to him and tell him to stop working out for now." The younger filled his own glass with water, chugged it and then went to his boyfriend’s room while wishing the now silver-haired male a quick recovery from his shock state.
Before he could start to dwell on the fact that they were in a happy, loving and perfectly fine relationship again he remembered what he promised himself on the way to his dorm. He grabbed the glass of water, filled another one to wash the paintbrushes in and left towards his own room. Once he’d set everything up the man began to roughly sketch the buildings and trees in a light colour before mixing different shades of the actual colour and putting it on the canvas. Today was a good day, the colours mixed together how he wanted them to, the movement of his hands flowed easily and he was even quite satisfied with the outcome so far. Over one hour passed without him noticing or caring, at some point, though, he had to get up and refill both his glasses, one being empty and the other having a questionable colour, which he didn’t want to dampen the golden hues he wanted to add next. Luckily he made it to the kitchen without spilling the grey-ish liquid in one of the glasses. After refilling them the dancer wanted to quickly retreat to his room, excited to continue his new piece. His room was closest to the door and therefore he was bound to notice the pair standing at the entryway, kissing each other goodbye. They were turned towards the mirror hanging beside the door. Changbin latched onto Felix’s neck, applying just enough pressure so that it would leave a small mark behind. Hyunjin just stood there, paralysed. He watched the two making eye contact through the mirror before parting. Right, he’d completely forgot that Felix was here as well, so engaged in his work, the music he’d listened to further helping him distract himself. Now he was confronted with the couple again and with his feelings for them as well as the inevitable guilt that came just a split second after. Felix turned around to Changbin, who had his back towards Hyunjin. As the blonde leaned down just slightly to give the older one last peck on the lips he made eye contact with Hyunjin. Intense eye contact. Hyunjin just stared back, slightly aghast. The look on the younger’s face changed for a second into something Hyunjin couldn’t quite decipher. Sadness? Empathy? Pity? Before he could do anything Felix leaned back again, turned around and left the apartment.
Quickly, Hyunjin’s fight or flight instinct kicked in and he decided to hide behind the wall separating the kitchen from the hallway before Changbin could turn around and see him. He heard another door click and looked around the corner to make sure it was Changbin’s and he could go back to his room as well. Before he could reach his door, however, Chan left his room and spotted Hyunjin. "Hey Jinnie, do you want to eat dinner with us? I’m ordering take-out." "Oh, no thank you, hyung, I have a painting to finish", the taller one interrupted him. "Okay, just remember to not get too lost in your painting. I’ll leave some in the fridge for you if you do decide to eat", Chan said it with such warmth and care in his voice that Hyunjin couldn’t help but stop trying to open his door with his elbow, instead facing him and replying with a genuine "Thank you, hyung" and a small, appreciative smile. Chan smiled back and went to knock on Jisung’s door to ask him what he wanted.
Finally back inside his room Hyunjin decided that he didn’t have the inspiration to continue the drawn scenery and went to lie on his bed instead. He closed his eyes and his brain conjured the image that seemed to have burned itself into his eyes, brain, heart and whole body so easily. Changbin kissing Felix’s neck, them staring at each other full of incomprehensible love for the other. Changbin marking Felix because Felix belonged to him and Changbin belonged to Felix. That’s just how it was. They belonged to each other. Neither belonged to him, to Hyunjin. He felt a tear trailing down his cheek, more following. He wanted them. He wanted them so badly. He wanted to want them. But he couldn’t. A wave of exhaustion washed over him and before he gave into the darkness of a dreamless sleep he thought to himself: "I want to draw them."