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What is love? A cheesy question, not simply answered. But for Ritsuka, it is a question they truly cannot answer. And just now it pops back into their mind, as they watch the blonde woman in front of them looking back with an anxious look, awaiting an answer.
Ritsuka opens their mouth and closes it like a fish agape, not sure what to say.
Eventually, an answer forms. “I don't think I can give you a definite answer right now. I hope this is alright with you.”
Artoria smiles gently and nods. “It is alright, I just wanted to get my feelings across, no matter if they are returned or not. Thank you.” She genuinely smiles as she turns around, slowly walking towards the door.
“I am still going to wait for your answer, but don't worry. If you say you don't, it's not going to change anything.” Her reaffirming smile warms Ritsukas heart, breaking the anxious feeling that has been growing inside.
As they leave, going their separate ways, Ritsuka finds themselves back at their favourite spot. The Library, always warm, silent, with the soft smell of paper lingering in the air…it has something very cosy to it.
Tonight, there are no visitors, except Murasaki is back at her usual spot. Checking books for damages, repairing them, sometimes looking up to push her glasses up her nose, she is the one constant in this library.
As Ritsuka enters, their gaze meet each other, and she gently smiles, before concentrating back on her books.
Ritsuka grabs something they started reading a while ago, but the chaos in their mind proves to be far too loud. It's tough to concentrate on the words on the page, when Artoria´s words keep coming back to you. Her smile was genuine and sweet, but that doesn't change Ritsukas conflicted feelings. Having to tell someone that you do not feel romantic feelings back is hard. Harder than they ever imagined.
Leaning back in the wooden chair, they take a deep breath and close their eyes, concentrating on making the thought carousel stop. Clothes rustle, and when they open their eyes again, Murasaki leans over them, her sweet smile face showing an ever so worried expression. “Are you alright?” She almost whispers, pushing her glasses up her nose a bit.
“Hmm? Yes, sorry.” Ritsuka pushes themselves back up the chair, closing the book and putting it on the table.
“I just had a…sort of strange and uncomfortable confrontation, and it got me thinking about a lot of things.”
Murasaki nods as she listens to their Master's words. “If you give me ten minutes, I can show you a nice spot I like to go, when I read. Maybe it can be of comfort to you.”
“Of course!” Ritsuka enthuses her to take her time, and watch as she finishes her usual daily library business.
Shutting down the lights, they leave for the always illuminated hallways. Outside, the sun is setting, its last rays shining like orange little lights on their path.
“Well, if you allow me.” Murasaki bows slightly, as she leads the way. Her dress flows like a waterfall, perfectly shaped for her. At least I can appreciate the beauty in the world. Ritsuka thinks to themselves, as they meet other Servants on their way.
“Ohhh, Master.” Oryu hovers behind Ryouma, signing a peace sign.
Ryouma only smiles, and stops to wait for his partner. “Heard we are going to have a huge bake-off later in the kitchen, I am going to watch them.”
“Sure, I hope you enjoy yourself!” Ritsuka waves them with an encouraging smile. “Well, I will be there too if you are looking for us, I can't take any risks leaving her alone.”
“As if you would ever leave me alone!” Oryu teases him, and the two of them share a gentle, heartfelt moment between them. The two of them truly love each other, and Ritsuka is truly happy for them.
But what if I were able to love? Is something wrong with me for not wanting this ideal life? The thought pops in just like that, leaving as quickly as it arrived. But it left Ritsuka with a lingering sadness again.
A bit of a walk later, they arrive at the spot Murasaki suggested. It's one of the rooms always kept as a quiet room, with a few cushions and blankets spread out on a couch. There is also a big window, with a great view to the outside.
“Now, I sense something is troubling you. I may only be good with words, but I would like to help you.” Murasaki takes off her glasses, and sits down on one of the couches, her dress spreading on the ground like a waterfall of blue fabric.
“You are perceptive.” Ritsuka chuckles and throws themselves into the pillows. A deep sigh later, they start talking. “I had to put down Caster Artoria. She confessed her love to me, and it was the moment something I pushed down inside me for a long while rose again. The doubt of being able to love, and always feeling outside…everyone. As if they have something I am missing.” Ritsuka chuckles. “I am missing that love. That sparkly feeling I am supposed to feel for others, the feeling of wanting to be romantically close to someone, to hug and kiss them…but I don't. And it starts to hurt, especially after this tonight.” Ritsuka vanishes in the pillows, avoiding the librarians gaze.
“I read a lot of romance books, and they all tell me that I am supposed to feel all these things. And all our couples, I am very happy for them, and sometimes I find myself doubting. If I am broken, because I don't wish for that.” Vaguely waving with their left hand, they stop talking and think about the situation earlier.
“I understand where you are coming from.” Murasaki says after a moment of silence.
“Really?” Ritsuka shoots up in surprise. “I did not expect that coming from you.”
“Well, I write poetry and enjoy a good read too. And for me, the words of endless love and confessing your need to be forever with someone else, it always eluded me. But, in the end, love comes in all shapes and forms.” She pushes a hair streak behind her ear, looking past Ritsuka at the wall, as if she is remembering something.
“Back in my day, everything was forced on us. The love, the partner we have to be with. I never had any time to think about what love is, or if I have it for anybody. In the end, I do not.”
Ritsuka slowly nods. “You are the same as me then, but already past where I am. The doubts eat me up inside. I can't break her heart by saying I am incapable of loving…”
“If I learned something, that you are a great Master, you love each one of us. Just not in the romantic sense, you are like a guiding beam for everyone. Love is a lot of things, and we just happen to not feel the romantic feelings.” Murasaki takes their hand and gently rubs it to give some emotional comfort.
Ritsuka thinks about her words carefully for a moment. “I am glad you told me about this.”
Murasaki shakes her head. “It never bothered me, now that you told me that you see it as missing something, or being incapable of love, you remind me of my days when I forced myself to love.” Her gaze returns to Ritsuka.
“There are more here, who just do not feel romantic feelings, for differing reasons. It helped me to be with you and everyone. To share my love for poems and books.” Her slender fingers now grab Ritsukas hands tight. “You have to tell her.”
“I know…” the gesture and her warm hands break the emotional dam inside. Tears are finally falling, as something seems to break off inside Ritsuka. A huge ballast of thoughts and stored up negative emotions, finally able to break free.
She kept sitting at their side, holding their hand, and pulling out a handkerchief to try to dry Ritsukas tears multiple times, but they would not stop coming for a while. A good five minutes later of sniffling and a now wet handkerchief, Ritsuka is able to stop crying.
“Wow, I feel so empty now.” They sniff and use the cute little tissue given to them by Murasaki. The woman stretches out her hand and gently pats Guda´s head. “Now, let it all out. I am glad you opened yourself up to me.”
Deep breaths, Ritsuka. Slowly, their body feels like their own again, and the tears stopped coming. There is only a strange emptiness inside where there once was a heavy burden. “I am going to tell Artoria my decision, and tell her the truth.” Murasaki lets go of Ritsukas hand and nods in reply.
“Please be kind to her feelings, and always be sincere. You love her as a friend, and I think that is already a great gift.”
Storming outside the room. Ritsuka storms down the hallways. Oryu said something about a bake-off, maybe she is there. Almost running into Ishtar bickering loud on the floor and then almost slipping on Oberon's cape, they arrive in the kitchen. A lot of servants are here, some already with their oven mitts on, ready to give it a go. There is that blonde head. “Castoria, can I get you for a second?” Everyone looks at Ritsuka. And luckily nobody dares commenting on the swollen red eyes.
She slips past all the participants, and together they go to a quiet spot on the first floor of Chaldea.
“As you can see, I was emotionally moved thinking about…this.” Hastily waving around with their hands, Ritsuka tries to gesture their earlier meeting. The young woman slowly nods, then grabs Guda´s hands to attempt to calm them down.
“I understand that this was too much to ask of you, so don't worry!”
“No, I have to tell you that I am just not capable of feeling romantic feelings for anybody. You are like a sister to me, I cherish you very much. But I can't see you as a love interest, anybody.” The words hang in the air, before they settle.
Eventually, she just murmurs a simple “Hmm.”.
“I am really sorry.” Ritsuka bows deeply, but Artoria shakes her head. “I told you, I didn't expect to have my feelings returned. Thank you for opening up to me.” To Ritsukas surprise, she reaches out and pulls them into a tight hug. A warm, loving hug, between friends or between family. Just a simple sincere showing of affection, transcending the meaning of just love.
Pulling apart, they smile at each other. “I got to go, we were baking…”
“I know, enjoy your time, okay?” Artoria grins, as she points at the apron she is wearing. “Now I think I will be able to do so even more, as I just gained a new family member in my heart.” Ritsuka feels a warmth spread inside their chest, as the two of them wave each other goodbye once more.
Looking outside the window, the sun has now set, only a few streaks of light reaching them here. Murasaki´s words still ring true. Love is more than just romantic affection. I am human. No more tears to spill over missing something I never had or needed beforehand. Whispering their new mantra, they decide to go look for her again, to apologize and thank her for tonight.
Back in the room, she is still resting on the couch, and as they approach, they can see her eyes closed. Looks like she is exhausted and passed out after her little therapy session. Ritsuka grabs a blanket and gently spreads it over her shoulders, making sure to cover her up to sufficiently warm her.
Yeah, these little gestures of love feel just perfect and so fulfilling. Everyone shows it differently. For Sigurd and Bryn It's something between hurting and pining for each other, and Oryu and Ryouma are just a bundle of joy and love.
With a newfound strength, Ritsuka decides to head on over and watch the servants bake. Maybe there is a chance to steal some raw pastry too.