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The door opened, and Mellow stepped into the sheet white room. Being there and breathing the air from the hospital brought his mood down every time, but he didn't have time to care about that. After all, the visits weren't about him.
He approached the same hospital bed as everyday, sitting in the free chair next to it, and smiled softly.
''Nia, how are you feeling?''
Smiling back, the person lying in the bed reached to Mellow's hand, intertwining their fingers. ''Big brother Mellow… I'm feeling good today. But more importantly… classes started today, right? How was it?''
''Yeah. I'm already in second year, so it might get a bit busier now, but I'll still come visit you everyday.''
Nia chuckled, Mellow was always like that… ''I wasn't asking that, I wanted to know how your day went.''
''Well… It was normal.'' Mellow's smile faded for a moment, since he didn't really enjoy talking about himself. There wasn't anything interesting to say, his life was depressing anytime he wasn't with Nia. However, he wasn't going to let Nia see that side of him, so he soon grinned again, squeezing his hand softly. ''I'm happy as long as I can see you.''
''Really?'' He didn't say anything, but those words made Nia truly happy. He knew that he was everything to Mellow, that he had always tried his hardest to make Nia smile. When he had been first admitted in the hospital, Nia was always gloomy, but things weren't like that anymore all thanks to the man in front of him. And knowing that all of that affection was for him only was the most rewarding feeling ever, because Nia knew that Mellow didn't have anyone else who was so important to him.
They only needed each other. Their closeness was the only thing that kept them positive.
However, the start of college still worried Nia a bit, because it meant that Mellow would be talking to other people, perhaps making friends… People who knew a Mellow he didn't.
''Well, I never ask anything about him either… I can't complain about that.''
They had known each other since they were children, but Mellow would always be 'Big brother Mellow' to Nia, almost like he was still a stranger, a neighbor who was a bit older than him and played with Nia when he was still healthy. He didn't even know his real name, and it didn't bother him. No matter what kind of person Mellow was, it wouldn't change the fact that he had been the only one who loved him.
In that boring, white room, he was the only one who longed for Nia, and he was fully aware of this.
''Do you need something? Should I refill your water?'' Mellow's voice made him snap out of his thoughts, and Nia shook his head.
''I'm fine… Rather than that, have you drawn anything else? I love your paintings.'' He didn't miss Mellow's soft blush, even if he looked away trying to hide it. Despite being older than himself, he was easy to tease and cute.
''Ah… Yes, I have.'' Mellow leaned to open his bag, which had been left discarded on the floor, and pulled out a few small canvases and sketch sheets from it, lending them to Nia.
He looked at each of the drawings with his eyes sparkling, taking his time to admire them properly. ''Like always, your paintings are so yellow. Although they have some blue on them lately too…'' Again, Mellow averted his eyes, covering his face with his hand and making Nia giggle a bit. ''I love them… They're so pretty and colorful.''
Whenever Nia said things like that, looking at what his hands had drawn with such admiration, Mellow simply wanted to turn everything in the world yellow and blue. Their colors. That way, Nia would never feel lonely or sad again. If only he had the power to do something like that… But there was nearly nothing Mellow could actually do for him, that was why he visited him every single day, because it was the least he could do. Truthfully, his life would be meaningless if he couldn't support Nia.
''Thank you.'' Nia returned the paintings to Mellow, who again put them in his bag. He absent-mindedly looked at Mellow as he was distracted, staring at the blond hair that hid his eye and how it framed his handsome features. It was a shame that most of his face was hidden like that…
Following that impulse, Nia leaned closer to him and pushed his hair out of the way, getting a clear view of both of Mellow's widening eyes. ''N-Nia?'' There wasn't much distance between them, those mismatched blue eyes staring intensely into Mellow's, as if burning them into his memory.
For a second, Mellow thought they were going to kiss. He opened and closed his mouth nervously, face red, hesitating between moving closer or moving away. Nia probably wouldn't react badly… But that was a line they had never crossed, no matter how much they talked about their deepest feelings.
He braced himself and followed the hammering heart in his chest, leaning slightly closer, when—
''Big brother Mellow, you have really pretty eyes!''
''H-Huh?'' He blinked twice, only now noticing that Nia had moved away and his blond hair was back in place. Of course they weren't going to kiss… He sat back in the chair, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding, and smiled like always. ''Thank you.''
He was still Big brother Mellow, after all. There was no way he was that important to Nia, not someone like him.
They kept talking until it became dark outside, and Mellow went back to his apartment like any other day. His mind always felt overwhelmed when he left the hospital, full of too many thoughts and feelings.
He wondered if Nia would ever recover. His body was getting worse and worse, and although he'd always love him no matter what, he was sure that Nia wanted to live a normal life. Besides, if he was healthy, the two of them could do a lot of things together, visit different places… Maybe one day they could even go on dates. It was nothing but wishful thinking, but Mellow couldn't help but have hopes like those.
For now, he focused on continuing making Nia smile forever, that was all that mattered.
And while he had all those thoughts, Nia was also thinking about him while looking at the night sky through the window in his room.
He was completely aware of Mellow's feelings. How couldn't he, when the man was so endearingly obvious? And of course, he felt the same, but he would never say it outright. Nia had the feeling that things would change if their relationship became like that… Besides, his memory losses were getting worse. He didn't want to make Mellow go through anything painful because of him, but he was also unable to push him away, because Mellow's attention and kindness were like oxygen for him. He knew for sure he'd die without it.
When he was alone at night in that room, all he could do was clutch his knees against his chest and pray that things would never change. That he wouldn't lose the bit of happiness he had finally found thanks to Mellow. That Mellow would never leave, both physically and from his mind.
Mellow was a pretty responsible student, since he enjoyed the lessons. He never got into trouble with either students or teachers, and although he wasn't the best in his class, he didn't fail at any subjects. It was important to him to have enough free time to do his hospital visits, so he made sure he never fell behind or procrastinated anything.
Because of this and his general demeanor, anyone who knew him agreed that he was a good student, even if quiet. He didn't make friends, and people didn't approach him unless necessary, but he didn't have a bad reputation. He was simply another student that nobody paid attention to.
It wasn't really Mellow's fault that it had taken him fifteen minutes to realize that someone was calling his name. Not 'Big brother Mellow', but his real name. Only when he felt the person in question shake his shoulder Mellow was brought back to reality and turned his head to the voice calling for him. Next to him was a lilac haired student. He was pretty sure that they shared many classes, but he couldn't remember his name.
''Sorry, did you need something?''
''I just wondered if you were feeling alright.'' The student said with a polite smile, talking in whispers so the teacher wouldn't scold them.
Mellow definitely didn't get enough sleep many days, but he didn't think it was so bad as strangers to worry about it. Maybe it was because he had spaced out for so long— plus, his classmate looked like a kind person in general who would have asked that to anyone who wasn't at their best.
''I'm alright. I was just thinking.''
''I see, sorry for bothering you. I just noticed that sometimes you look tired, so…''
It seemed like a short reply hadn't been enough to drive him away, in fact, his classmate was sitting a bit closer now. It wasn't like Mellow didn't want to talk to him, he didn't mind it at all, but he wasn't used to him being the one that others worried about.
Well, it couldn't be so bad to talk for a bit since that man was being nice. ''...Sorry if this is rude, but what was your name?''
''Ruji.''
The both of them smiled, and a new friendship was born.
Just like Mellow thought, Ruji and he shared many classes. Apparently, Ruji had always wanted to reach out to him, but since the both of them had introverted personalities it had been hard to find the chance.
There were many other qualities they shared that had drawn Ruji to Mellow. Both of them had pessimistic views about the world, and Ruji had noticed that in Mellow's eyes. In a way, Mellow had the feeling that Ruji wanted to befriend him for his own sake, to save himself, but he also wasn't asking anything from Mellow or outright using him. All in all, it became a pretty comfortable friendship that never went deeper than talking during or between classes.
Mellow didn't think of it as a huge change in his life, only a small addition. However, to Nia it was a lot more.
He didn't react well when Mellow talked to him about that classmate, and the negative feelings Nia had already been harboring about college and Mellow interacting with others only grew. He simply clenched his fists, refusing to look at Mellow. He knew that was the most painful response he could give him, and could already imagine Mellow's heartbroken expression.
''N-Nia? Are you mad?'' He stuttered, anxiety eating him from the inside out. He was always composed, but all of that went away as soon as something happened with Nia or to him.
However, Nia wasn't replying. He wanted to make sure that Mellow noticed how upset he was, how much he needed him only for himself.
''Nia, it won't change anything. I'll still visit everyday! I can try coming a bit earlier if it cheers you up… I won't leave you alone.'' Mellow fell to his knees, holding onto Nia's hands. He looked a bit pitiful, being older than him and yet acting like that.
But Nia knew that all those thoughts of him were bullshit. He was only doing all of that because he was terrified, and he couldn't hide it anymore. Before he knew it, there were tears forming in his eyes. ''Y-You're gonna forget about me.''
Mellow immediately jumped to hug him tight, pressing Nia's small body against his chest. ''Of course I won't forget you. You're everything to me… That's never going to change. Without you, this world would have no worth.''
''Really…?'' Nia embraced him back, sobbing quietly into Mellow's shoulder. ''Big brother Mellow… I'm scared… of forgetting or disappearing…''
''That won't happen, Nia… I'm here everyday so you never forget anything. I won't let that happen, okay? I won't.'' After a few seconds letting Nia cry like that, Mellow put enough distance to stroke his cheek, wiping his tears. ''I love you. I love you.''
Nia nodded, leaning into the warm touch. He still couldn't say it back, but of course he loved him too, more than anyone. If the two of them weren't alone, could they really say they were connecting? What would happen if Mellow kept making friends? It made Nia wish their childhood had never ended, it should have gone on forever.
''Wait, our childhood…?''
Still hugging Mellow, Nia felt like he was losing a part of himself the more he thought about it.
''What did we do during our childhood again?''
The following days, Mellow really couldn't think or focus on anything that wasn't Nia. Not only he spaced out more, but he always looked stressed, sometimes biting on his nail or snapping at people who talked to him, although he always apologized quickly.
Nia was losing more and more memories, and he was becoming more emotionally vulnerable. Mellow even considered dropping out of college to spend all his time with him while they still had time, but he knew that even Nia would get angry at something like that.
He was completely powerless. That world wasn't going to allow Nia to be happy, then why did it exist in the first place? A world like that was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
He lost all his patience when someone grabbed his arm while he walked on his way to leave the building. ''What the hell do you want?!'' He blurted out before seeing that the person in question was Ruji. ''I… I'm sorry.''
''Don't apologize… You should talk to someone.'' Of course, Ruji could tell that Mellow was getting progressively worse. Since they were kindred souls, he was sure they could understand each other, even if he didn't know the whole story.
''...Alright. That might help.''
Ruji nodded and led him to some empty stairs, still holding Mellow's wrist. They sat together in silence for a few seconds, with Mellow trying to find the right words. He had never opened up to someone like that. He always expressed his emotions through art, or impulsively to Nia when they were impossible to control. However, he didn't really want Nia to see him like that, so at least if he let those feelings out before visiting, he could be his usual self in front of Nia…
''I… I feel like life is suffocating. I have so much happiness, but… it might disappear before I realize. It's so fleeting, like a dream. If I lose that, I don't think I can keep going.'' He pressed his hands against his forehead in two enveloped fists, cracking a desperate smile. ''I'm scared of the world I'll find myself in after losing it. It's going to be so empty… so colorless. So asphyxiating.''
He wasn't giving him any details, but Ruji felt like he could understand. Even if they were different people with their own personal lives, there was really something similar about their negativity. He placed a supportive hand on Mellow's shoulder and thought about how to reply for a few unpleasant seconds. ''...I get that feeling. Like there's no hope in the future.''
He didn't want to bring his own problems to the conversation, but for Ruji, it was as if his past was tying him down and never letting him advance. Even now that he was an adult attending an arts college, he didn't really feel like he was an 'adult'. He felt like everyone was moving forward except for him, and he eventually would have no place in the world. Like no one would look for him or wait for him. Maybe that was why he had gotten so obsessed about connecting with someone lately— to make sure someone always remembered him.
''I don't want him to forget me. I don't want to forget him, either… I want to always be there for him, but I don't know if it's possible. Do I have to move forward even if I lose him… Do I really have to fight and keep on living? For what reason?'' Mellow's voice was broken whispers, as if he was talking to himself by that point. However, each of his words resonated deeply with Ruji, shaking his heart deep inside his chest.
That person was suffering so much because he didn't want to lose sight of someone dear to him. ''I hope someone will care about me so much someday.'' At that moment, he could only think about how lucky whoever was worrying Mellow like that was. Even if it was causing them suffering…
If they moved forward, they would be in pain, because goodbyes were unavoidable.
But they couldn't stay still, because time always moved and turned them into adults before they realized.
What was the right choice to make? Was there no way to escape loneliness? Were memories something they'd need to leave behind no matter what…?
Ruji wrapped his arms around Mellow's frame, closing his eyes to avoid crying too. There was really no hope in that world. ''...But I want to believe that we all have people who love us. If you two are so important to each other, I'm sure those feelings won't disappear… They'll always be here.''
Mellow could never forget all his memories with Nia, even if Nia did. They would be with him forever along with his feelings. ''Even if it becomes impossible to breathe… I won't let go…''
Something inside Ruji told him that that wasn't the correct way either. If the past became so suffocating that one couldn't breathe, they should break free from it. However, he couldn't say that to Mellow, since he himself wasn't able to do it either. It wasn't as easy as it sounded.
''Could I meet that person too?''
''Huh…?'' Mellow raised his head, meeting Ruji's usual smile.
He wasn't sure why had he agreed to it. In any case, the two of them were now inside the hospital, walking through the hallways that Mellow knew by heart at that point. He had so many doubts… He didn't know how would Nia react, especially after how grim his latest visits had been ever since Nia knew that they had been hanging out. However, he wanted to trust both Nia and Ruji, and think that this would be a good thing for all of them.
''Remember to call me Mellow in front of him.''
''I know…''
Still a bit hesitant, he opened the door, Ruji following right after him as he stepped closer to Nia's bed. ''Hello, Nia…''
Nia looked at both of them back and forth, not knowing how to react. He seemed a bit uncomfortable, but he didn't look angry or sad, at least.
''I'm Ruji. Mellow talks about you very fondly, so I wanted to meet you once.''
''Hey, that wasn't necessary…'' Mellow mumbled, cheeks warmer, and Nia couldn't help but smile when he saw him like that. He was still unsure, but maybe things wouldn't change… Maybe Ruji's existence in Mellow's life wouldn't change the bond between them.
''I'm Nia. Nice to meet you.''
The three spent all that afternoon talking. Mellow and Ruji showed Nia their art, and he got more and more comfortable as time passed. At some point, Mellow had held his hand like he always did when they were alone. It really reassured him, and Nia thought that his memory loss from the other day had been only for a moment. Surely everything would be alright.
If Mellow was there, the world truly looked only yellow and blue to him.
He tightened the grip on his hand and watched as the two talked, feeling happy and warm in his chest. He loved Mellow. He always would.
From then on, two months passed.
Ruji had started joining the hospital visits from time to time, although there were still more days when Mellow preferred to go alone. Nia had come to accept their friendship and got along well with Ruji as well. In fact, the two of them had a honest conversation as well, and Nia understood that Ruji was also a person who treasured memories. It made him feel like a trustworthy person to him.
It was also a good thing to see that Mellow was a bit happier, a bit more positive, but still loved Nia all the same. It took him a bit to get used to it, and sometimes he was still scared, but his feelings for Mellow overpowered that fear.
He also understood that maybe he didn't know all the details about Mellow's personal life, and maybe Ruji knew things he didn't, but nobody knew his heart like he did. He had seen it all— Mellow's anxiety, Mellow's love, Mellow's beauty. Not only through his art but his words and touch. Even if Mellow himself thought he wasn't important, Nia had seen all of that and would deny those words every time.
For sure, Nia would hold onto those pieces of Mellow's heart forever.
Once more, the door to his hospital room would open, and Nia would see a man with blond hair covering one of his eyes along with a very gentle smile.
And then, the words that would leave his mouth should be finally ''I love you''. Because he did love him, truly, from the bottom of his heart. However—
''...Do I know you?''
Nia tilted his head, looking at the stranger in front of him.