Work Text:
“It’s with an A,” Tony B corrected Christopher’s spelling, sat around the kitchen table with him and the other Tony.
“A? Where?” Christopher looked down at what he’d written.
“In the- At the–” Tony B spluttered, exasperated by his illiteracy. “What do you mean where?!”
Carmela walked in the house carrying groceries. Tony S quickly took the cigarette from Christopher’s hand and put it in Tony B’s hand instead.
“Hey, Carm,” Tony B gave her a warmer welcome than her own husband when she walked in the room.
“Where’s the baby?” Tony S asked.
“My mother’s, I told you that.” Carmela was pissed off by him forgetting. She looked at Christopher. “What are you doing here? It’s the middle of the day.”
“He got kicked outta school,” Tony B told her.
“Again?!” Carmela slammed the groceries down on the table.
“He didn’t get kicked out,” Tony S tried to get her to relax. “They said they might kick him out, the principal said he should write a letter to apologize…”
“A letter?” Carmela didn’t trust either Tonys as good guidance for this. “Let me see.”
She picked the letter up and looked at it with a furrowed brow. “Deer principle,” Carmela pronounced the words the way they were poorly written. “I am sory for bracking the–” She looked even more confused, unable to read the handwriting. “What does that say?” She showed it to Christopher.
He looked confused by his own handwriting. “…I don’t know neither.”
“Jesus Christ, Christopher.” Carmela felt tempted to smack him because of how much English class he’d obviously missed. “Do you even pay attention at school when you actually go?”
Christopher shrugged and avoided eye contact.
She let out an angry sigh and picked the groceries back up and walked over to the kitchen area to put them away.
“Why don’t you help Chrissy?” Tony B tried to get out of the task, putting out the cigarette. “You’re better at writing than us two schmucks.”
“I can’t, I gotta get started on the cake,” she said as she put things away.
“What you making a cake for?” Christopher asked her.
“It’s my mother’s birthday,” Tony S told him.
“Oh yeah?” Christopher turned to look at him. “What you doing here then, shouldn’t you be at her place?”
“I’m here because you got kicked out of school, you fuckin’ idiot!” Tony S whacked him across the side of the head. “You know next time, you tell your principal not to bother calling me!” He pointed at him angrily.
“He didn’t even call you, he called my mom!” He rubbed the side of his head that Tony had hit.
“Cementics!” Tony S mispronounced the word semantics. “I’m still the prick sat here with you on my mother’s birthday.” He jabbed his finger onto the table. “You wanna get kicked out of school so bad, go ahead!”
“Tony.” Carmela glared at him. “Can I have a word?” She gestured with her head to the other room.
They walked to the other room.
“What is it?”
“You have to talk to the principal, get him back into that school.”
“What?” Tony looked at her like she was an idiot.
“He’s not gonna get accepted into another school, Tony! And then what? He never graduates?”
“So what?”
“So what?!” Carmela raised her eyebrows. “You saw that letter, don’t you think he needs some more education?!”
“Carmela…” Tony gestured for her to chill out, pissing her off even more. “Spelling isn’t exactly a big deal in our line of work.”
Carmela blinked a few times, processing things. She couldn’t believe her ears. “In our line of work?”
Tony nodded nonchalantly.
“Tony, you cannot force that boy into this life!” Carmela pointed in his face.
Tony knocked her hand away. “Nobody’s forcing anybody! He knows what he wants.”
“He’s 14 years old, Tony!” Carmela yelled at him. “He can’t know what he wants!”
“I knew what I wanted when I was 14.” Tony put a hand on her shoulder.
“You are not flirting your way out of this!” Carmela moved her shoulder away from his hand. “He needs to finish high school and then he can decide what he wants from life.”
“Is it really so bad, this life?” Tony felt a little offended. “It’s good enough for us but not for him?” He gestured to the other room.
“He’s my little cousin and I want what’s best for him. God knows his mother doesn’t give a shit.”
“Well he’s my nephew and if he wants to join me, I’m not gonna get in his way!”
“He’s a child! His brain isn’t even finished developing yet.”
“Carmela, he’s Dickie Moltisanti’s son! Do you really want him to grow up and sell fuckin’ patio furniture?”
“Would that really be the worst thing in the world?!”
“It’s not what Dickie would’ve wanted!” Tony pinched his fingers together.
“And it turned out so well for Dickie…” She looked at Tony with disgust and walked away to go back to the kitchen.
Tony followed her in.
“Oh, be careful of the trip hazard!” Tony B warned Carmela when she walked in.
“What trip hazard?” Carmela looked around.
“Chrissy’s fuckin’ beak,” Tony S finished the joke. He put his arm around Christopher’s head and harshly ruffled his hair.
Carmela sighed and shook her head, going to start baking.
“Get off of me.” Christopher shoved Tony S’s hands away.
“What are you, a baby?” Tony B mocked him.
“You gotta learn to take a joke.” Tony S sat down again.
“Take a joke or a beatin’, the choice is yours,” Tony B said in a silly voice.
The Tonys laughed.
“I can take a joke.” He glared at them both as he flattened his hair back down.
“Yeah? Here’s a joke for you.” Tony S held up the letter Christopher had been writing.
Christopher snatched the letter from Tony S’s hand.
“You’d be better off wiping your ass and handing that paper in.” Tony B took the letter from Christopher.
“Cut it out!”
“Hey, Ton.” Tony B ignored Christopher. “You got a blindfold?”
“I dunno. Why?” Tony S smirked, waiting for the punchline.
“I wanna learn to write as bad as Chrissy does.” Tony B comedically looked at the letter like it was completely indecipherable.
“Good idea.” Tony S chuckled. “That way you won’t have to see his face no more neither.”
“Will you two leave him alone?!” Carmela stopped their bullying. “He’s trying to better himself, Tony. Maybe you can learn something from that.”
“Better himself?” Tony B set up a joke.
“The only way he can better himself is with plastic surgery.” Tony S blocked Christopher’s nose from his vision with his hand, like it was the blinding sun.
The Tonys found themselves hilarious.
“Chris, do yourself a favor and go home,” Carmela recommended.
He looked at her and then back at the Tonys while he ground his teeth. Neither here nor home were good options. “My house…”
“I know.” Carmela smiled at him apologetically. “But at least those two aren’t there.”
“Yeah. Go on, Chrissy.” Tony S gestured for him to leave. “It’s about time for you to fly south for winter.”
“Tony!” Carmella yelled ferociously.
Both Tonys stopped laughing.
Awkward silence filled the room.
“Fuck the both of youse.” Christopher got up from his chair and stormed out, not even taking the letter with him.
“Great, now look what you’ve done!” Carmela yelled at both Tonys, gesturing at the letter. “Now he’s never gonna go back to school!”
“Carmela, no offense.” Tony S held his hands up apologetically. “But he was never gonna be no Stephen Hawkings.”
“He’s retarded enough,” Tony B said out the side of his mouth.
Tony S laughed out loud.
“You know, sometimes I don’t know why I married you!” Carmela yelled. “You want a cake for your mother so bad?” She tore her apron off and threw it on the counter. “Do it yourself!”
The Tonys watched her storm away.
“Sheesh,” Tony B said. “What’s her problem?”