Work Text:
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When Yuki is rushing to his next class, his lungs slightly burning, the colder air nipping at his exposed skin, and coughs once, twice, and then another. He brushes it off. A simple cough was really nothing that worried him anymore, it was cold, he was rushing…and of course, he had forgotten about his warm coat Machi hung for him before she left yesterday night…so the cough was normal.
Until it wasn’t.
“Yuki’s always been a sickly boy…”
The words echoed in his hollowed-out brain as he stared out the large window in his class, his professor droning on about the upcoming test…Yuki had always been sick. His first memories were of him coughing, throat dry and hoarse, being told he was weak, pathetic …being put away and forgotten about. Left to rot in the feeling of his body being tired, aching joints, and shivering limbs. The sickly feeling became comforting…his skin burning, sweat prickling across his skin started feeling like a warm hug.
But that was long in the past. He hadn’t caught a cold in …some months. The last cold was heavily watched over by Machi and Tohru, dropping off soup, tea, cooling patches…he’s never felt more like a burden…forcing them to travel so far from home and put their studies on the back burner…just for him .
He cleaned his things up and slid his bag onto his shoulder, his body aching and his lungs begging for him to give some release, a small cough… anything . But Yuki was determined to not disturb anyone still studying. He left the class and walked down the corridor, weaving through the people and looking at his feet as his head panged with pain. The sunlight filtering through the large windows hurt his eyes…
Maybe he is feeling a bit under the weather…
He walked through the campus; his next class was going to start in about two hours so he usually went to the library during this time; while walking he took a deep breath of the chilly air, feeling his chest twinge familiarly… he looked down at his phone and smiled.
Text Message Received- From: Machi
Manabe keeps texting me about his lack of snacks...what snacks do people like anyway?
Text Message Sent- From: Yuki
Just ignore him darling and go study.
He chuckled and pocketed his phone; opening the glass door, which was heavier than usual …he walked and bowed as a group of girls waved at him, he smiled and continued, beelining it to his usual individual cube to work. He sighed softly as he sat down, taking a breath before moving his body to get his laptop.
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Yuki rolled his eyes and rubbed his temples as Ayame talked his ear off over the phone…Yuki was busy completing a reading so he was loosely paying attention to his brother.
“And he had the audacity to call me a woman! As if that is a negative thing! He would be lucky if I’d even consider da-” Yuki drowned him out as Machi texted him, he texted her back and sipped his tea, softly coughing. He held and rubbed his chest as it tightened.
“Are you getting sick my dear brother?” Ayame asked, his usual loud tone gone, and replaced with… dare Yuki say a worried note?
“Oh no, it’s just a tickle in my throat from all the pollen out…but I have to let you go, I have studying to do.” Yuki said, fiddling with his teacup as he hovered a finger over the ‘end call’ button, “How rude! I wasn’t even done ranting! But goodbye my dear brother mayb-” Yuki hung up before he could get his next. ‘Maybe you can stop by my shop so I can take photos of you in a dress again!’ he sighed and picked back up on his reading, his throat tickling with every breath, forcing him to cough every five minutes or so…
“He really is a filthy thing isn’t he…”
He leaned back into his chair and stared up at his ceiling, his throat throbbing ever so slightly as the day flew by. He hates having a cough…letting himself get consumed by the thought of germs flying around…his germs… filthy …he opened his window wider, hoping to filter that out…but welcoming the crisp air in. He made sure to put a sweater on but nonetheless…he was still freezing. Maybe he should order something warm for dinner? He wasn’t feeling particularly hungry though…He rolled his chair back and to his kettle, pouring more tea and rolling back to his desk, tea will just have to do…
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The week flew by oddly fast. He was free that weekend, only really needing to get an hour or two of studying in. He was debating if he should attempt at going out with his study group to hotpot but…he wasn't too sure…he really just wanted to stay in, be on a call with Machi all day and read in bed…perhaps go to the gym, maybe that will aid in making this damn cough go away…
He tapped his chin with his pen as he looked through his planner, taking note of his next classes, Machi call dates, and reserving the gym…hm he may have time to go out to dinner…he and Machi set a goal; step out of their comfort zone more …and that meant actually taking time out of the solitude and hanging out with friends…in which they were both struggling with…but Machi was actually hanging out with a few girls from classes this evening…and so Yuki…can do that as well…
Just the walk alone to the Gym had him winded...he huffed and patted the sweat off his brows, walking through the automated doors. He rubbed his chest as it ached and looked around…
Okay it's not too packed…good.
Not even ten minutes. He couldn't even get through his warm-up. Here he was, in a bathroom stall, having a coughing fit. He balled up a tissue and covered his mouth as he heard footsteps. He held his heavy chest and tried to breathe, choking a bit near the end…he frustratingly hit his thigh and kept going. He sighed softly and cleared his throat. Timidly stepping out of the stall and looking around. He walked to wash his hands fast and left. He tensed as the urge to cough struck him, holding his breath and reaching where he left his gym bag, he leaned and grabbed his water as tears brimmed, he choked on another cough, dry and raspy. He winced at the sharp stings, sipping his water and trying to calm his rapidly pounding heart…he leaned on the treadmill arm and made a soft humming noise to soothe the tickle that wouldn't go away. He glanced at the time…yeah he should just go home….
He zipped his puffer jacket up and rubbed his nose. He coughed softly and pulled out his phone. Dread trickling through his limbs and his stomach seized a bit as Machi's name flashed on the screen.
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat again, “Ah, ah…okay…” He swiped and brought the phone up to his ear, “Hello?”
“Hello, Yuki…did I wake you, you sound hoarse?”
Yuki paused a bit before replying, “Mm, no I just got out from the gym.” He stopped walking as he felt his chest burn from talking and his legs moving up the hill, standing off to the side.
“Oh did you have a good workout?”
Yuki smiled at her tone softening, “Yes I did, it was just some light cardio to have a break from studying, but what are you doing Chi?”
He sighed as his mind calmed, her soft voice explaining meticulously about how her weekend was going. Various things like her teacher assigning a ridiculous essay, giving him a semi-detailed report on what trend Momiji started recently, and how her new friends were actually quite pleasant.
He realized how much he craved her soothing voice a few months ago when they were on a late-night call date, listening to her melodic hums as she flipped through her notes, he was dozing off, curled in his warm bed. Softly serenading him as she studied and sifted through papers…Yuki had never fallen asleep and dreamed of her instantly, waking up and feeling the most rested he’d felt in awhile, his first thought was her…He rolled over and looked at his phone…shocked to see her. She had her phone propped up on a pillow, only showing part of her face, she was murmuring faintly in her sleep, making him relax back down and shimmy closer to the phone…
She was like a light patter of cooling rain on a summer day.
“Machi?” He mindlessly started and bit his tongue… “Yuki?”
“I love you.”
He felt his chest ache horribly as the silence stretched for two seconds, three seconds, four-
“I love you too Yuki…”
He hummed and they just... continued on with their conversation. She numbed and shut out any and all of his worries with a few simple words.
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He looked in his mirror, gently fixing a wild piece of hair, smoothing down his cream sweater vest, and kicked out his brown pant legs. He took a deep breath and wheezed. Coughing into his hand, sharp and painful. He rubbed his chest and sipped on some lemon tea.
This cough is going to be such an issue…
And an issue it was… anytime he went to talk a bit lower, or laughed just a bit, he coughed. Hard.
But…his closest, although new , he was quite comfortable to be around, Inori rubbed his back and held up his cup for him, leaning to him, “Do you wanna go home Yuki? I can walk you to the bus and pay for this?”
Yuki sighed and shook his head, “N-No-.'' He coughed into his vest and caught his breath, noticing all the other six guys had stopped and looked up at him with concern as well “I’m okay, I have a bad tickle in my throat…” He straightened up and grabbed his drink, holding it up. “Next rounds on me hm?” He suggested softly and flinched slightly as they all cheered and clinked their glasses.
Yuki sipped on his plum sake and leaned back, listening to them all chat. That familiar filthy black cloud looming over him…
Insecure was one thing Yuki was. He despised it. He sighed as Taro talked louder, chest full and perked, every act an attempt to lighten up the room.
Bitterness clambered up his spine…
He should've stayed home.
He walked home, behind the stumbling group of acquaintances, looking up to the sky and taking a breath of the fresh chilly air. Filling his lungs up, feeling them expand and ache. This pathetic ‘cough’, the ache…reminded him of that time.
That time in hell.
The dark room…being trapped, suffocating. Feeling like one wrong breath he’d choke to death, alone. His mind was starting to reflect the dark sky. Although…the dazzling stars were far too beautiful.
He smiled and bowed as he got off the bus, the others causing a ruckus while yelling goodbyes to him. He chuckled and started his short walk back to his apartment building.
Sinking. He felt like he was sinking. He’s been fighting for it to…fizzle away, but it's only been simmering. Festering. Yuki would like to think he is brighter. He’s grown since high school, while it’s only been about a year. He delusionally believed he was maturing, growing. But…he doesn't particularly believe that anymore. He’s still that weak boy. That weak boy who was so easily manipulated by his feelings. His weak heart…
He got ready for bed, walking back to his desk and grabbing a book he was reading for a class. He walked over a pile of clothes, kicked a cup ramen, and peeled back a blanket, pressing his knee into the bed and flopping down with a heavy sigh. He shut his eyes and shimmied more under the blanket. He rubbed his eyes and curled up on his side, navigating straight to Machi’s contact, hovering over the ‘call’ symbol… he’d better not …she may still be busy or sleeping…he clicked his phone off and grabbed his book again, flipping on his lamp and cracking it open…this is always a good distraction.
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Yuki breathlessly whimpered, his hands covering his ears, his arms protecting him as best they could as words boomed. Intrusive. Painful…Terrifying. He yelped as he fell to the side, his palms hitting the cold ground harshly. His cheek stinging, Akito looming over him, spewing out nothing but bitter, venomous words. Alone, useless, nothing…he was nothing. Akito screeched, small droplets of spit spraying on him. ‘You filthy little thing, why were you ever born-’
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He shot up, a gasp emitting and cutting the silent night air. Panting bouncing off the walls. He gripped his chest, and his heart only quickened. He frantically looked around his room. Dark. It was dark. Too dark. Too silent. His heartbeat thumping in his ears, his breath ragged and wheezing. He coughed harshly and panicked more. No no. He was fine. He wasn't there anymore. He was safe. He was being overdramatic. Nothing was here to hurt him, nothing, no one was here…alone…he was all alone…
He was alone…Akito wasn’t here, the dark cloud was…there but he was okay. He can breathe…He…can’t breathe…
He blinked his heavy lids open, confusion washing over him. Oh, I fell back asleep . He sighed deeply and lulled his head to the side, nudging his book off his arm. In the morning silence, he could hear his wheeze with every exhale. He coughed softly and looked back up to the bleak ceiling. He had reached another level of exhaustion. He groaned as he attempted to get up. His vision swarmed and his head pounded. He lay back down and curled up as his stomach twisted…He felt sick. He closed his eyes and felt a wet streak cascade down and soak into his pillow.
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He has no classes, finally. So he wasn't worried that he had been laying there for… three hours . He had no drive to get up. His throat ached and was scratchy but his tea was…so far away…His bladder was full from the night filled with drinking but…that required him to move…his legs felt like cement bricks were tied to them. He was far too tired…He looked over as his phone vibrated. Hatsharus's name splaying on the top of the screen. Asking how he was… Jeez, it’s like he had a radar for when Yuki wasn’t feeling well. He reached over and furrowed his brows as his arms ached. He typed out a half-assed. ‘Yeah I’m all good Haru! How are you?’
Okay…he needed to get up…it’s been four hours and his bladder was cramping. Hard.
He shuffled around his room, he used the restroom, brewed tea, and added a sugar cube. He stirred his small cup and stared out the window, his throat tense as he fought a cough off…this cough was pissing him off. He breathed in and out, bringing his shoulders up to his ears as the warmth trickled down, soothing his throat and settling in his stomach. Hmm…he missed Machi…
He settled right back into his bed with his tea and books, along with some notes he could look over. He took his phone off the charge and smiled as he navigated to Machi’s contact. Their scheduled phone date reminder blinking at him, he happily wiggled and coughed, clicking to call her.
“Sohma.”
“Kuragi…”
They both giggled softly and actually greeted each other,
“How was yesterday with those girlfriends?” He asked, idly opening his notebook to the marked page.
“It was…pleasant.”
Yuki chuckled, “Just pleasant?”
“Just pleasant, a pale comparison to our dates but they were…nice. I’m still getting used to how girls…hang out?”
Yuki nodded, “I get what you mean, but remember, you don’t have to conform to other's standards.” He heard a small noise, knowing she was smiling on the other side of the phone. “Yes I know love…but how was your time with your friends?”
Suffocating. Hard. Eye-opening.
“It was actually quite fun. I drank as well.”
“Oh? Was it enjoyable?” Yuki hummed, “Yeah it was…it was hard through…”
Really hard …it’s still so unsettling to be seen, and perceived, by others. Even…by himself…
“Mm, talk to me Yuki.” Machi’s gentle voice affirmed, he smiled and sighed, tapping his screen and muting himself to let out a hard cough he’s been holding in, unmuting and sipping his tea, “Well…they are just so lively…sometimes it’s hard to remember that it is okay I’m not particularly like that. They…enjoy it, I hope …they enjoy me hanging out with them…?”
“Don’t make that a question, make that a statement Yuki, your friends really like you.” She said, he hummed slowly nodding, “Right… you're right…” “But! Not invalidating that you feel that way, it’s reasonable, but remember, you are wonderful company.” Yuki sighed and leaned back into his pillows, “Thanks darling…”
His talks with Machi always clear his mind. She always knew what to say, understood his brain and its odd twists and insecurities. But what's better in their talks… he can hear her growth…
While she still struggled with her ideas of needing to be ‘perfect’ she was starting to stray from that, starting to allow herself to be… human . She never called him crying, never amidst a panic attack after her mother had a ‘talk’ with her…“Oh, I’ve been participating in ‘drama’.”
Yuki bursted into laughter, covering his mouth as he coughed, the tickle aching, causing him to cough too hard…he caught his breath and drank his tea… “Sorry, Chi…that was too funny…what does drama entail?”
“Mm, are you okay? That cough sounded like it hurt …” Yuki smiled and rubbed over his aching, tired chest, “Yes, I’m okay, sorry I had a tickle, but please explain this drama.”
“Mm, drink some tea. But I have learned how to ‘gossip’ and exchange things for drama, it’s extremely fun but tiresome.” Machi said matter-of-factly, and Yuki just kept laughing at her antics.
They continued…and Yuki felt…like shit to be completely transparent. He's not only lying to his friends and brother…but his Machi as well… He just doesn't want to have anyone worrying over him…He doesn't want to hear them again…
“He's such a sickly boy…”
“Oh, that cough…. it's disgusting.”
He isn't disgusting…he isn't…he can't be…he's growing, supposed to be getting better…supposed to not be annoying, not a dark splotch.
But he could only hide so much.
He could only hide his dark circles for so long.
Hide his wheeze after speaking for too long.
Hide his raspy, raw voice after coughing up blood in the night.
Hide his thinning frame behind his hoodies…alternative to his usual sweater vests and slacks…
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“-ki? Hey buddy are you okay?”
Yuki gasped and shot up, immediately heeling over as a rush of nausea rose past the throat.
“Woah bud-”
His cold, sweaty body was moved easily, turned around as he felt a sharp pain in his chest and tasted bile past his lips.
He panted and held his chest amidst his panic, feeling his heart thump in his ears, he watched a bead of sweat drop as he looked at his onigiri; well what was left of it…white mush and acid, he threw up in the green grass…
H-He was on his way to class…feeling just a bit sickly…he thought he'd be fine if he ate a plain tuna onigiri…but…he was seeing black dots on his way to class…
He glanced around, seeing his book and phone scattered on the concrete, his friend, Inori, crouched and looking at him with pure concern, “I-I’m so s-” he covered his mouth as his scratchy throat convulsed in retaliation of speaking, Inori scrambled and pulled out a purple water bottle. “Here sip on this Yuki…”
Yuki was hesitant…but he sipped the water either way
He tried calming, which…was easy as Inori rubbed his back and fanned him, his hand low after he flinched the first time. He coughed softly and sheepishly looked up, “I'm so sorry…I don't know what happened…” he whispered, embarrassment settling uncomfortably in his stomach as people walked past and stared a bit too long.
Inori hummed and still smiled at him somehow, “You're okay Yuki, did you hit your head?” he furrowed his brows and checked… oh yeah … “Yeah…it's tender…um thank you for helping…I'm sure you have class right?”
Inori tilted his head at him… “Yuki, we have our next class together…but you my friend, need to go home, I'll tell the professor first hand you aren't well okay?” Yuki felt his heart jump, “N-No I'm okay, I need to go today.” He rushed out and started to stand up.
His head rushed but he fought past it, holding his head and his friend's arm with his other hand, “Yuki…you fainted…”
“I feel fine…I cannot skip another class this semester.” He'd skipped two already from fatigue so intense he fell asleep walking down to the bus… how he even managed that was beyond him...
Inori sighed, grabbing his book and phone, gently helping him and dusting him off, “Just…stay hydrated…come on.” Yuki smiled at the clutch on his arm and guidance when they started walking.
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Yuki stepped out of the bus, on his way back home after class, and looked down at his phone ringing, he swiped and brought it to his ear, “Haru, hi.”
“ My Yuki senses tingled …did something happen?”
Yuki jumped on his seat. “What! No no…nothing happened? Haru I’m fine.” He dryly laughed…almost feeling Haru’s examining glare….
“Are you positive?” Haru asked.
“Yes I am…thank you for calling.” “Hmm…okay…” Yuki chuckled and led the conversation into something more focused on Haru and Rin...
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He was sitting in his bed, coughing into a tissue and trying to finish an essay…but his chest was so tight he felt like he would stop breathing…he groaned and paused as his phone rang… he’s getting called a lot…
“Hello?” he coughed almost instantly after letting that out…
“My dearest, favorite brother, how are you?” Ayame's voice, filled to the brim with confidence filtered through.
Yukie sighed. “I'm okay, how are you?”
“I'm well! But you sound sick Yuki….do you need anything, my care and love, snuggles in the night, ma-” Yuki rolled his eyes but smiled, “No Ayame, I'm okay just a sore throat, did you call for a reason?”
“Hm I did~ but if you are under the weather, I wouldn't want you out walking…” “Ayame, I don't feel sick, what did you want?” He said, trying not to let his exhaustion lace his voice, he sighed with a smile when he heard happy noises through the phone.
“I wanted to take my hard-working brother out for lunch!” Yuki hummed, “So…you have business over here or do you want me to travel to you?”
Ayame gasped on the other line “No silly! I'm taking a day vacation to see my dearest…sweetest brother.”
Yuki smiled and closed his laptop. “Okay, what time?”
A knock sounded on the door.
“Now!” Ayame’s voice echoed through the phone, and Yuki could only blink back his surprise.
“Let me in~” he heard his brother sing through the door….he groaned and sat up, off the bed, hanging up the phone. He looked around and gathered his tissues, dumping them into the trash and cleaning his clothes on the way, tossing them into the closest basket, putting his tea bottles away…
He opened his door and softly coughed, blinking up at his brother…he looked…good per usual; dressed in a sparkling pink robe, a white undergarment that was even more shiny, down to his softer pink flats, Ayame smiled brightly and instantly head patted him, “Taking in the amazing outfit yours truly designed!”
Yuki chuckled and nodded, “Yeah, you look good Aya….come in, I just have to throw some clothes on…” God, he feels like utter garbage…
“Hmm…Yuki, perhaps we can stay in, or maybe just that small ramen spot downstairs?” Yuki shook his head and sifted to find a large hoodie. “Yuki really…you don't look so good…” Ayame commented softly, Yuki watched as he looked around his messy room.
He simply ignored him and gathered his clothes, going into his small bathroom to change. Stopping to look in the mirror, he sighed as he padded over his sharp, jutting-out hip bones… He leaned and splashed his face with cold water, and slipped his hoodie over his head.
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Yuki took a long breath of the fresh, crisp air, coughing near the end. They just ate lunch and he was feeling pretty good, he actually got some sleep last night and now his stomach was filled with warm ramen. They were walking through a nature park, Ayame was on a call because a client was causing trouble at the boutique. Yuki has always admired him… he was always immature but, it balanced itself out with the fact that he was the most mature he has ever seen for his job.
He blinked as Ayame gently rubbed his upper back, “Sorry dear brother…work is so needy.”
Yuki chuckled, pushing himself to keep walking forward., “It's okay, how is the boutique going?”
Ayame clasped his hands together, “Oh swimmingly! I'm trying to rent another quaint shop to have another place, I found two, and when I tell you they were perfect a-” Yuki smiled and nodded his head as Ayame kept talking and…talking about his business.
After some time they walked back to Yuki’s apartment, he was exhausted, his chest was hurting and he was breathing heavily.…
“Yuki? I know you don't speak to our mother…and nor do I mostly but…she's been really trying.”
Yuki blinked and looked over. “Has she?”
Ayame nodded with a heavy sigh, “I know she said unforgivable things to you Yuki…so no one is expecting you to forgive her.”
Yuki smiled and looked down at the concrete, “Thank you Aya…”
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"Ayame called me borderline hysterical, claiming you were 'deathly ill and needed a miracle to be cured' ." Hatori's deadpan voice hit his ear.
Yuki rolled his eyes and sat back in his desk chair, "I am perfectly healthy, I think he's the one who needs a miracle."
He smiled as Hatori chuckled, "Mm, you do sound raspy, is that cough coming back? I can travel-"
"No! No...I'm okay, I just was drinking something and choked so..." He heard a hum and papers shuffling.
"If you feel ill, just call okay? I have no issue helping you."
"Thanks Hatori, I'll hold you to that." Yuki said, pinching his leg... he hated lying but..he didn't need to bother anyone...
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Machi texted Yuki a quick greeting, heavily sighing and looking up at her mother, they were going over potential colleges she was applying to…making her write essay after essay… but… it was okay, it's that time of the month when she could go visit Yuki… she needs him right now…
But…she's also worried. He hasn't really been acting himself, rather.. hasn't been as…happy. He hasn't talked about how he was proud of himself for talking and making more friends…hasn't even mentioned going out to do something fun…so…she's worried…
˚.ೃ࿐ A Few Days Later .ೃ࿐
Yuki gasped, his hand clutching his bedpost, he was bent over and coughing up a lung after cleaning his whole studio. Machi was coming over tomorrow so he needed this place not to look as if he's been rotting in bed…even though he has been.
He was so anxious…his stomach tense…how he was going to hide his… small decline in health was beyond him.
But as he was studying at his desk…she texted him…
Text Message Received- From: Machi
Yuki I'm so sorry, my Mother is not allowing 'distractions’ until all my applications are done…why she is choosing now to be in my life is beyond me...
Yuki blinked at his phone…feeling his stomach intense .
Text Message Sent- From: Yuki
Oh…that's upsetting I'm sorry, I can maybe come down sometime this week?
Text Message Recevied- From: Machi
No no, you have classes, I'm going to work fast, and perhaps next weekend?
Text Message Sent- From: Yuki
Sure, but the applications are important, I'm not going anywhere so take your time.
Yuki sighed and laid his head down on his folded arms… he hated that he was happy about this…
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As the days rolled by, he was hoping…praying…anything really for this pain to fade, the cough to soften…but it didn't. He was faint all day, he could barely even look at food…his coughing fits were so extreme he'd eat, and cough later until he vomited…so to sum it up…
Yuki was struggling.
“Are you going to die, Yuki?”
He barely even remembers those moments when he was little, he got so sick he needed to be propped in a chair, and given medication to help him breathe. But one thing he does remember was the menacing whispers from Akito…igniting a spark in him because he didn't want to die, doesn't want to die … not from a pathetic cough like this…
He rested his head on his hand, his arm propped up on his elbow as he took notes to the best of his abilities. He could hear his lungs wheezing every time he exhaled…his soft cough every other minute… this was so annoying….he made sure to adjust his mask when a girl to his side stared and shuffled away from him in her seat…
He sighed and put his school bag down, along with his barley tea and tuna onigiri, still wrapped, uneaten. He stripped out of his heavier coat, hanging it up and fighting his body to stay upright just long enough to take off his clothes and hopefully shove some new ones on…but he only got halfway there…his school clothes thankfully made it into the basket, but he only managed to pull his sweatpants up, crashing into his soft bed. He melted down and cuddled, bunching his blanket up. He sighed and coughed into his pillow, he was tired…his body flooded with exhaustion.
He sniffled and cracked his eye open… oh…he fell asleep . He grumbled and grabbed his ringing phone and coughing, gently, clearing his throat, he swiped and settled back into his blankets, it was late but the usual time Machi called,
“Hey baby”
“Hi Yuki, I'm sorry it's so late, were you sleeping?”
“I was but I'm glad you called…how was your day?” he whispered, he's lucky she called so late, making it so he could whisper into the phone, not using his full, scratchy voice, and risking a coughing fit.
They talked deeper into the night, forgetting about their stressful days, and filling their rooms with soft giggles and whispering, Yuki teased her, and he could so easily imagine her blush through the phone…
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Yuki was skilled at ignoring his personal issues. Focusing on school was his only priority…that, and trying to keep down his rice porridge every morning. He yawned and rubbed his chest while walking to his 8 a.m. class, shivering as the breeze filtered through his thick hoodie…he normally didn't mind the cold but wow was he freezing…and it wasn't even properly winter yet…
He closed his chat with Machi, helping her with some questions she had about her application to his University. They were both hoping she'd get into somewhere in Osaka so they could commute and or study together and things. This year apart has shown them…they should be together, they were each other's safe space. He sighed and coughed, he needed to stop sighing so much, it hurt …
He sat in his normal seat and smiled at Inori, blinking as he slid a small cough suppressant… “I know your spending is monitored…and I'm assuming you're hiding this from your folks?” Yuki bit his lip and nodded…his every purchase was seen by his mother, and if he all of a sudden bought medicine…cough suppressants…she's going to demand he go to the hospital and also demand she see him…and he didn't want that…even though she has been so…motherly lately…she's still her old self. Negative, judgmental, and not soft. It's times like this where he misses Tohru…
“Uh, thank you…I really appreciate this…” Yuki whispered, Inori smiled and pushed more little medicines to him, “Anytime, thank you for opening up.” Inori smiled and blinked back at the professor when he started class…
Yuki flushed…his ‘opening up' was him drinking a bit too much and spilling his late-night thoughts to him…but…he didn't regret it…Inori was extremely supportive, nice, and a wonderful friend Yuki didn't truly think he'd find, while Manabe and him were on texting terms…and he supposes he and Kyo were close, he didn't think he deserved more.
But he's really glad he did.
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He's tired…
He already has a new routine: drag himself out of bed after barely sleeping, coughing and wheezing interrupts his slumber all night, chugging water to wake himself up and calm his throat, take a colder shower to soothe his chest pains, and hopefully get his heart to beat slower, and then begrudgingly getting ready for classes or study groups. He was still testing out what he could eat that wouldn't hurt swallowing, and… if it happens , doesn't hurt when he throws up. So far it's been, rice porridge, egg soup, and maybe ramen. But he was fine, he was alright… he wasn't sick he was just in a rough patch…
Until it wasn't just a patch anymore…
He coughed hard as he stared up at the ceiling. His body felt like he was sinking in water…dragged down by a cement block. He was so tired…he's never been so filled to the brim with exhaustion. Has never felt fatigued like this…maybe he should try training again? No…he'd probably collapse, maybe when he feels better-
What if he never feels better?
He's stuck in this cycle of coughing, his chest aching, his whole body losing strength…what if he coughed for so long his heart gave out…he wasn't even sure what his full diagnosis was…his mother never thought to tell him…what if he dies…
No that can't happen… his breathing sped up as his mind went through a whirlwind of scenarios….
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He groaned and frustratingly threw his water down, patting his chest as he struggled to fill his lungs. He went on a brisk walk and had a coughing attack halfway in. This was ridiculous, his body was so weak. He sniffled, tears of anger burning his eyes…maybe resting would make this better…
Expect for... he can't get rest.
Between classes, studying, and exams, he was flooded with work, not to mention he couldn't sleep uninterrupted… he would wake up with a cough that got stuck somehow, choking and barely able to breathe, his chest raging with burns and aches…he was slowly getting tired of it, tired of fighting his health…
So. He'll push himself , ignore when he coughs, stop tip-toeing around in order to not wheeze, and have a coughing fit. He went to the library and to his favorite cubicle, setting up his laptop and notebook, mask high on his nose, and trying to not think about his throat-shredding with every dry cough…he's only focusing on these assignments and group presentations.
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He tapped on his laptop, he was doing two reading assignments at once on top of contributing to the group chat for their presentation coming up. His professor was going over something he already read over and finished the quiz yesterday so he didn't need to pay attention yet. His cough was constant, every two minutes he'd cough dryly, refusing to drink anything because he might choke on a cough harder…it was too complicated. He glanced up as class was coming to an end, he finished up the last paragraph he was writing and packed his things…feeling his hands tingle and his vision swarm with black dots.
He let out a low grumble and rested his head in his hands. He couldn't pass out right now…he always got so nauseated after talking, or focusing hard on his work… God his head …He fought through and stood, holding the desk and feeling his shaking legs tremble more… he hoisted his bag onto his shoulder and sagged a bit under the light weight, taking a slow deep breath through his nose and kickstarting his heavy legs to start moving…he carefully walked down the wide stairs to leave the classroom, his head filling with cotton…his tongue growing heavier…his eyesight growing white at the edges… black overtaking his field of view…he lost his sense of touch and… that's all he remembers…like a light went out.
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When he cracked his heavy eyelids open, feeling as if a truck just ran him over … squirming and reaching around for his phone to see what time it was but a gentle hand grabbed his forearm- He jolted and thrashed a bit, suddenly very aware and the bright light…the bleach lingering in the air…the…beeping?
“Careful Yuki, you’ll snag your IV.”
Is that…Ha…tori?
He looked around, lifting his twenty-pound head and flinching a bit at Hatori’s tall figure…
“W-” He started but he coughed hard. Hatori gently rubbed his chest, “Breathe Yuki, you need to sip on some water, you've had a ventilator on.” Ventilator? He groaned as he sat up, propped up on the pillows, and watched a nurse enter his room, “Oh you're awake, wonderful.” Yuki made a soft noise and laid back. His body was still heavy and uncomfortable.
“We can take off the ventilator?” Hatori asked and the nurse perked, “Yes, his breathing levels regulated, we just wanted to keep it on just in case he spiked again.” Yuki sleepily blinked as they talked, Hatori’s typical soft hands taking this… ventilator off…he didn't realize how uncomfortable that was…
The nurse held out a paper cup and guided it to his mouth, his arms too heavy to even think about lifting…he sipped the water as she tilted it to him, he melted as it replenished his dry, painfully aching throat, filtering through his chest and soothing his empty stomach… “Mm…t-thank you.” The nurse smiled and put the cup down, zooming around and checking a chart, “Of course Mr. Sohma, the doctor will be with you shortly okay?”
“Mm…” He laid further back, he was so tired still…his hand was slipped into someone else's,
“I’m here as your family Yuki, you’re in Osaka Hospital, you fainted in class, but didn't wake up. You weren’t breathing, so your professor acted fast in calling the hospital..”
Yuki furrowed his brows and willed his eyelids to peel and stay open, “I wasn't…breathing? I-I’m fine though-”
“You’re not. You’ve been out for three days, the last day was due to lung tests. But Yuki…we’ve talked about this…you cannot let your condition worsen like this, you could have died.”
Yuki puffed his lips out, he couldn't argue back…he knew Hatoriwas right…
“B-But..”
“Your lungs are weak, you stretched yourself thin and you could have died in your sleep. We are not taking this lightly.” Hatori said fast and precise.
His stern tone filled with so much care like always…but Yuki felt thoroughly scolded… “Everyone was busy, and I had classes…I’m sorry.”
Hatori sighed heavily and he was engulfed in warmth, he blinked before bringing his free arm up, hugging Hatori’s waist, “You never bother me, or anyone. Your family wants nothing more than for you to be healthy and able to live your life. So please…never let it get this bad…”
Yuki felt…his eyes burn. He didn’t respond.
After Yuki teared up, the Doctor was a bit flooded with patients so they were still waiting, “Oh, Ayame’s on his way, he’s been here the whole time but he refuses to eat hospital food.”
Yuki looked over and flushed. “The whole time…?”
“All three days, he was the first to drop everything and come over when your mother said she was too busy at work.”
Yuki smiled to himself…but jumped, on cue Ayame walked in, already complaining, “This hospital is too far from food! MY BROTHER! ” Yuki winced but readily accepted the rare hug. Ayame swarmed, dropping his take-out bag, and gently pulled him into his chest, “Oh my precious, favorite baby brother, you’re awake… don't you dare scare me like that again.” Yuki melted into him, “I'm sorry…”
Yuki chuckled as Hatori and Ayame bickered in the corner, the doctor checking his vitals and administering his medicine before they talked about what happened. The Doctor took a deep breath and turned to him with a smile, “How are you feeling Mr. Sohma?” Yuki folded his hands and gripped his two fingers, “U-Uh…tired but better…and please call me Yuki.”
The doctor nodded, “Of course, I’m Doctor Sato, now that you’re awake and present, I’d like to discuss how you were before this incident?” Yuki nodded and timidly looked over, Hatori now paying attention, and Ayame looked filled with worry still, “Like…how bad I was feeling?”
“Yes Yuki, you can take some time, I know everything may feel a bit fuzzy.”
Yuki shook his head, “N-No I feel good…um my cough just got…worse spanning every two minutes or so…and then my chest started aching, which is new.” He paused as Doctor Sato furrowed his brows and typed into his tablet, “Alright…aching and or tightness?”
“Both yes.”
“Hm, how was your eating? You are underweight.”
Yuki sank into the cot, “U-Uh…I wasn't hungry at all…and I would eat of course, but to a point. I’d cough and um throw up immediately after eating.” He said and watched the concern double from the two in the corner,
“Mm, that happens, with treatment, the cough will be soothed so that won't happen anymore, this explains the damage in your throat…okay Yuki, we will start a treatment plan and medication today. Monitor you for one more day to make sure you're breathing while being asleep doesn't drop again.” Yuki nodded and sighed, “Um…c-can I ask a question?”
“Of course Yuki.” The Doctor reassured and tapped on the tablet while listening,
“What's wrong with me?”
Doctor Sato looked up at him and took a breath while looking over at the two, “You have ILD, or Interstitial Lung Disease, your lungs are scarred, making it hard to carry oxygen and forcing a cough, chest pain etcetera. Your case was mild as a child but is growing more serious with time and lack of treatment. Usually, ILD in childhood gets treated and doesn't come back if you’re healthy, but in your case…it did come back, it has not turned irreversible but it was almost there. So you need to take care of yourself from now on. Oxygen therapy and pulmonary rehabilitation are something we will be trying out along with taking a medication in the form of a pill.” Yuki’s eyebrows rose…he has… a lung disease? He thought he just had a cough.
He nodded at the doctor and looked over at Hatori with confusion, Hatori sighed and stood up, “I’m sorry Yuki…I should have told you…your mother-” Yuki put his hand up and shook his head, “That’s all you had to say. My Mother kept it from me because she thought it was weak I’m assuming?” Hatori nodded and walked over, all of them bowing as the doctor explained he was going to place an order for his medicine,
“You know how our lovely mother is…” Ayame grumbled, eating a dumpling and sitting back in the chair he was in, “Yeah…is my phone here?”
“Right here, we couldn't figure out your password. I'm sorry.” Yuki tilted his head before gasping so hard he choked, he rushed and navigated to his messages…seeing so so many texts and calls from Machi ,
“Oh no…O-Oh… she's…on her way?”
“Mm, we told Shigure but waited until you were okay to tell Tohru… knowing she’d freak out and rush over her so maybe she explained to her?”
Yuki rubbed his face harshly. “Yeah…” he read over the texts, Machi was panicked for the first day, and then dissolved into shorter texts, ‘My Mother is only letting me have one sick day, I’ll be on my way Friday so you better be okay Yuki Sohma…or else.’ Yuki pressed the call button and laid back. Hatori patted his shoulder before going to eat.
“Yuki!? Are you okay? What h-happened? I-I’m an hour away please tell me you aren't dead, and-”
“Machi…baby I’m okay.” He said softly as she grew more frantic.
“You IDIOT!”
He blinked and pulled the phone away from his ear, letting her yell and rave… “Take a breath…you’re on public transportation right…?” “I don't care! Tohru explained everything after the first day, Yuki Sohma! Why didn't you tell me!?”
“I didn't want to worry you my love, you were focused on school.”
He heard grumbles. “School means nothing compared to you. We will talk when I get there…Are you stable? Do you need me to pick anything up?”
Yuki smiled, “No…I just need you here…”
“Good, I’m almost there… idiot .”
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Machi’s leg bounced as she waited for the train to stop, her heart pumping too much blood and adrenaline to her tired body. She has never in her life felt so stressed ...and that says a lot.
Three days ago she was stressed about school, her brother and that was it…how did she not hear …and see that her boyfriend was sick…Tohru reached out to her the second day she couldn't get ahold of Yuki, which was somewhat normal, he studies until he passes out sometimes… but she explained the small details she knew. Yuki was sick, and in the hospital for lung issues, but was stable. She had never felt so overcome with worry..She was a horrible girlfriend for not noticing…but…this was not about her. This was about her Yuki…
She rushed through the hospital, asking the lady at the desk where Yuki Sohma was… “Please Miss…” The nurse only sighed, “Sorry Miss, it’s family only-”
“Machi dear! Finally you’ve came!” Machi blinked up as Ayame appeared out of nowhere, gently taking her hand that was on the desk and pulling her, “Thank you kind Nurse!” Ayame bowed and proceeded to pull her down the hallway.
“Thank you…I should have called.” She muttered, but Ayame only squeezed her hand.
She took a deep breath before walking in…her breath caught in her throat as she opened the door… O-Oh God …She felt her chest break and eyes well up with tears. He was lying back, looking weaker than he’s ever appeared. A breathing machine on him and running, he was so… frail . He was thin…paler than a ghost…She broke down into silent cries…
“Machi…Hi, dear, he’s okay..”
She looked over, seeing Yuki’s Uncle. “N-He’s o-okay?”
“Yes, he’s stable, fine, he's just having a lung test to see what medication is best for him Machi, he’s only sleeping.”
She broke more into her hands, feeling a few tears escape out as the dam in her body burst, her exhaustion catching up with her, “Can I hug you?” she heard Ayame ask softly, she whimpered weakly and nodded, being pulled into a florally scented hug, “Our Yuki’s so independent…but he is okay dear.”
She sat by his side, holding his hand and rubbing over his knuckles. Sniffling and listening to Hatori and the Doctor talk about Yuki’s steady and already improving condition. She didn't know he had a disease…but…Yuki didn't even know either. Ayame was by her side, softly caressing her back and Yuki’s leg as the ventilator stayed strapped to him, he was given his first dose of medicine, and it made him extremely sleepy so she still hadn't been able to talk to him. She was still overrun with so much… guilt .
How did she go all these months without noticing…she did notice his cough…but he’s always had a small cough, she thought it was just allergies…but when he was getting worse…how did she not hear it? His voice…nothing…why didn't he open up to her? Was she not enough support for him? Was she not enough of a comfort? Was she not enough for him?
She took a shaky breath as the door opened to his room, everyone looked up and blinked at the…parade of people…
“Tohru…Kyo…and everyone…Shigure I told you not to-” Hatori tried but they all shuffled in, the air around them thick with anxiety.
“This is Yuki! Our boy, I simply couldn't stay behind…and then Momiji heard…then Hatsuharu heard…then of course Tohru came it’s her day off-”
“And Tohru made me come,” Kyo said, sitting down in the waiting corner, the crease in his brow was telltale enough to know he was lying and just as worried …
Machi sighed and chuckled, resting on his cold hand, “See Yuki…you don't bother anyone… you're our family…” she whispered softly and smiled at a barely there squeeze.
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A painstakingly long hour passed by, the group being filled in on what exactly happened to Yuki while Yuki was slowly stirring and waking, but was in a deep drowsy state. Machi was rubbing his sunken in stomach, she smiled and felt her heart clench as Yuki's other hand came up to hold her hand, squeezing and bringing her closer, “M-Machi…” He muttered and wearily looked at her, the Doctor gently taking the ventilator off, “Take it slow Yuki.” But…Yuki did not take it slow, he sat up straight and dove forward.
Machi flinched and caught him fast. “Y-Yuki! Slow down…”
“Machi…Ma-chi I’m so sorry…”
Machi held him tight and smiled, “It’s okay baby, it’s alright…you did nothing wrong.”
“D-Did I did…lied to you, to everyone…”
Machi only hummed and rubbed his back, “We can talk about this when you're all healthy Yuki…just breathe.”
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Yuki was exhausted. Not physically but mentally. After everyone swarmed his cot, the larger hospital room started to feel cramped, Machi by his side, never letting go of his hand, and Ayame force feeding him while Tohru cried to him, Haru scolded and Kyo punched his arm, Yuki patted Tohru’s head before they had to leave, “I promise I’ll get better fast… Tohru .”
Tohru sniffled and nodded, hugging him, “You better… Yuki …”
Finally, it was later in the afternoon, all of their testing were complete and his medicine was sorted out, Yuki chuckled and watched Machi attempt to clean his apartment up. Ayame was still fussing over him, but had a phone call, leaving Shigure, and Hatori lingering. “You have one more visitor…if you allow it?” Shigure started.
Yuki looked up, tilting his head and pulling Machi by her hand when she got closer to his bed, Shigure only knew one other person… “I…allow it.”
He braced himself as Shigure smirked and bowed, leaving his small apartment for a few minutes, Hatori sat on his couch and sighed, “Me and Aya can go Yuki, you’re in good hands.”
Yuki smiled and ignored Ayame gasping, he hugged Machi harder, “I am, thank you two…so much for being here for me.”
“Anytime Yuki, Aya…”
“No! My Beloved! I cannot leave hi-” Hatori hooked around Ayame’s waist and quite literally dragged him away , waving and smiling. “I will be calling three times a day for updates!” Hatori called out. Yuki giggled and waved back, sighing and turning to Machi.
“You okay?” Machi slapped his leg fast, his smile widened, “I’m fine stupid...airhead….”
“Mm…” He hummed and cupped her puffed-out cheek from her pouting, pulling her close, and softly pressing their lips together. Chasing her when she melted down into his chest. Getting lost in her soft fall-like scent…basking in her pillow lips, bumpy from her anxious biting.
“ My my …am I interrupting?” Yuki gasped and bit down on accident, Machi squeaked and pulled away as well, holding her lip and they both looked to his door, Yuki blinked, his whole body shuddering. “A-Akito…”
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“I-I am glad you are alright Yuki…” Akito mustered up, sipping her tea. Yuki sipped his as well, awkwardly looking at Machi…they were sat on his couch, and Akito on the small poof, Yuki sighed away his nerves…this is Akito…once scary but…not anymore…she's family. “Thank you, Akito. I really appreciate you coming…I’m sorry it must have been a long drive.” Akito looked up at him…and gave him a grin…a… fond smile … “Never too long for my Yuki.” Yuki smiled…not feeling filthy…not like how he used to feel…this was filled with something…dare Yuki say… love …real and not forced…
He’s holding onto how he used to feel…he needs to learn that…learn how to dismiss those old insecurities. He’s grown…so much…it just took one hiccup to see that…be reminded of that…
“We’ve all grown huh?” Yuki whispered without thinking, stilling and looking up, Akito smiled softly, “It appears we have Yuki…but! That means no more getting sick…”
Yuki chuckled and nodded, leaning into Machi’s hand as she wiped his tears… “I’ll get better…slowly but surely…I'm not that sickly boy anymore.”
He will…he needs to open his eyes more… get out of the chains of the past…
"And I'm growing to not be that dark splotch.." Akito whispered, reaching out and holding his hand in hers.