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Neil was looking at him with mischievous eyes, and that worried Todd a bit. As much as he loved him, he hated being roped in embarrassing situations.
“What?” he asked, suspicious.
“Do you like music?” Neil asked back with an excited laugh in his eyes, not giving him any further information. Todd studied him for a few moments, wondering where he was going. He tilted his head, and remembered that he should offer an answer.
Did he like music? Todd wasn’t able to respond. He remembered that after Mass, on Sundays, his mother would turn on the radio and sway at the rhythm of jazz notes. His brother would often join her, laughing and wiggling. He used to compare his brother’s dancing to how the worms moved in the garden after it finished to rain. His mother’s eyes used to shine when Jeffrey would take her hands and attempt to twirl her around, even though it was comical to watch - Jeffrey was much too short. But he never took part in the fun. He felt like he would intrude and ruin their happy moment, but he did like observing them having fun.
“Um, I guess,” he decided to say.
“Well, Meeks and Pitts, those absolute geniuses, found a way to collect a radio aerial, or whatever they called it, to a music station!” Neil whispered excitedly, “You know what that means, Mr. Anderson?”
“No, I don’t,” Which wasn’t exactly true, he knew his friends well enough to know where they were getting at.
“We could create a ballroom, and, y’know, invite some broads or something.” His friends wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, “Knox nearly died at the thought of dancing with Chris, that guy’s totally gone.” he added, shaking his head in disbelief.
“God, no, Neil,” he interrupted, “I’m not doing anything of the sort.”
“Yeah, so I figured. I’m not really interested either.” He smiled, outshining the sun. ”But I still wanted you to have fun. Y’know, we could dance here, just you and me.” Todd’s heart skipped a beat, and felt himself flushing. He glanced at Neil to find out whether his suggestion was a joke or not, but his blinding smile just made his intestines shrink.
“But-”
“Ah, stop it! No buts, we’re doing this!” And Todd smiled, despite his hesitance.
“All right, then,” he sighed, “Do you know how to make it work?”
“Of course, Todd, I listened to Meeks’ blabbering for nearly two hours, I must have caught something.”
Well, he didn’t, because it took an hour to catch a signal, and Todd was pretty sure that they were just lucky. But Neil was proud, so he couldn't bring himself to feel any resentment. Instead, he laughed. “You did it!”
“See, Todd, I knew I could do it.” Todd shook his head, and Neil punched his shoulder. “C’mon, Anderson, I know you’re impressed, don’t be shy to say it out loud.”
“I’m really not.”
“Liar!” Neil threw himself at him, pushing him on his bed. Todd cackled, after he recovered from the surprise. They rolled around, as the radio emitted static sounds and sometimes a saxophone note.
“All right, enough of that!” Neil shouted as if he were on stage, while he stood up and gallantly offered him a hand, “I promised this charming man a dance.” Todd blushed, and even smiled a little, looking at his feet. He was aware that his friend was joking, but he hoped that Neil really thought of him as charming.
He grabbed his hand, and got up. Neil smiled at him, and walked up to the radio, without letting go of his hand. Todd felt flowers bloom where Neil touched him. After the volume was set, not too loud or Nolan would skin them alive, Neil embraced his waist with an arm, intertwined their fingers, and started swirling with him around the room.
Only a few notes were pleasant and distinguishable, and yet they were magical to the two boys. An orchestra wouldn’t have had a different effect from the sounds that escaped from the radio - probably because neither of them were listening to it carefully, too lost in each others’ eyes.
They swayed rhythmically, Todd getting embarrassed every time he stepped on Neil’s feet or when a cheeky wink was thrown at him, and time passed. Neil made him spin. He was startled, but a chuckle ran out of his mouth. He understood why his mother seemed so happy when Jeff tried to twirl her. It must have made her feel pretty, special, even. He met Neil’s eyes and was possessed by an uncontrollable laugh. He was happy, as if he were making up for all the lost dances of his life. His friend’s face split in a grin that made his stomach churn. He glanced at the floor, and Neil spinned him around again. Todd, taken by surprise, stumbled on him.
He was met with dark eyes whose color reminded him of the color of earth when it rained. When he was a kid he used to run out into the woods near his house after thunderstorms, and he’d admire the ground, where he saw snails crawl out of their shelter. The earth seemed so full of life and welcoming that Todd often wished to build his home in it. Neil’s eyes were definitely like humid soil: always soft and gentle and rich. Todd hoped that they could learn to be that sweet even with their own reflection, because Neil had no reason to be disappointed with himself. And even if his father, mad and blind, didn’t think so, he shouldn’t care, because there was someone in his life that was happy just with being in the same room as him, even if it meant staying in the darkest corner. He smiled sheepishly.
“Um, sorry, Neil,” he apologized as he giggled nervously, “I really do have two left feet.”
Neil hummed, and dismissed his words with a smile. “Really, Todd, no problem at all.”
After his fall they ended up really close to each other, their bodies pressed together, but neither of them backed down from the touch. They just stayed there, their eyes locked, their breath hitched, and everything around them blurred. It was like the radio disappeared, and so did their assignments, their families, their dreams. It was just them, close and happy. Todd wasn’t sure they were even moving at that point.
The sun started to disappear beneath the horizon, and with him the light. Neil diverted his gaze from his, and looked around. “Time passed, huh?”
“Yeah,” he breathed out in response.
“I guess you lose track of it when you have fun.” Todd smiled at him, and detached himself from his body.
“Yeah, it was great.”
“Did I sweep you off your feet?” Neil asked while a smirk formed on his face. Todd huffed out a chuckle, desperately trying to sound annoyed despite the butterflies in his stomach, and headed to the dinner room.
+++
They were walking through the woods near Welton. They were coming back from Neil’s theater practice. He had insisted on bringing him along, and Todd wasn’t able to refuse. At the sight of Neil’s imploring eyes, he had sighed and put his shoes on. His friend had shot him a toothy grin, and whispered, “You’re so easy to convince, Todd.” He was tempted to throw a book at that annoying grin, but he didn’t, he just stupidly smiled at him. It was a thing he did a lot, stupidly smiling at him.
It was autumn, so a lot of leaves flew from their branches and waltzed between cold gusts of wind. Todd focused on one, that was fluttering around them, as if she couldn’t decide whether to rest on the frosty ground or dance forever. Neil must have caught her attention, because, after minutes of restless wandering, she layed in his dark hair. Todd smiled. He would have chosen Neil’s hair, too, he thought. His friend didn’t even realize the little leaf that leant on his locks.
“Neil, you’ve got a leaf in your hair,” he said, and giggled, “It’s like it chose you.” Neil’s lips formed an “o” at his words, surprised. He shook his head, but the leaf had no intention of leaving. Todd chuckled, and delicately took it and threw it on the ground. Neil stared at him with an amused glint in his eyes.
“What?” he asked defensively.
“Nothing.” Neil answered with a smile.
“Oh, come on.”
“It’s just the way you treated that little leaf was cute,” he explained, “As if it were alive.”
“Yeah, I suppose that was kind of weird.”
“No!” Neil exclaimed, “Quite the contrary. You’re amazing, Todd. Really.” He blushed at this, and dug his face into his scarf. Neil laughed. And to Todd, it was like a breath of wind, not winter’s howling one, but the one he felt against his face as a kid when he ran through the cutting ferns in the woods. He blushed some more, and Neil swung an arm behind his shoulders.
+++
Todd held the postcard, carefully colored by hand, so tight that it started to crumple, and slumped on the bed. Jeffrey wrote, and as much as it pleased him to know that he still thought of him, he fought the urge to cry. He studied the blonde girl who was laying on the sand in a pose that must have been very uncomfortable. “Santa Monica beach, Los Angeles” was written in cursive under the picture. She was smiling, probably the same look Jeff thought he’d wear when he saw it. And yet, his hands burned from the thought of throwing it in the bin. He read Jeffrey’s words again, and the tears clicked in again. He didn’t even know why he wanted to cry.
Everything’s great down here in Los Angeles! I’m finally on vacation, so all is well. And you know what makes it better? I’m not alone. Found a girl, the daughter of a French diplomat, who’s a total doll. I’m having the time of my life.
What about you in Welton?
Hope to hear from you soon,
Sincerely,
Your big brother Jeff.
Was he jealous? Jeffrey created his dream life, which luckily for him coincided with his parents’ one. He met a girl, did he love her? He didn’t say. He imagined the satisfaction on his mother’s and father’s faces when they found out that their son was dating the daughter of a politician. His father would boast about it to his friends, in the same way he did when Jeff became captain of the football team fifteen years ago. His heart tightened remembering how much he desired as a kid seeing that proud grin directed at him, and how it never did.
Suddenly, Neil burst into the room, breathing heavily, and slammed the door behind him.
“Neil?”
“Yeah, I’m perfectly fine,” he mumbled, “Don’t worry about it.” Neil threw himself on his bed, then hid his face into the pillow and gave it a few frustrated punches. He turned to face Todd, and asked back, “Are you well?”
“Jeff wrote,” he answered, hoping it was a sufficient answer. Neil just hummed in response.
“Any news?” came after a while. Todd sighed.
“He found a girl.”
At that, Neil suddenly stood up and started shouting. “I’ve had enough of love! That gut-wrenching feeling. It’s unfair that for some people it goes well, and then I can’t even glance at them. It’s unfair! When I look at them, when I see them smile, they make me feel like life is worth living, without them I would have thrown myself off a roof ages ago. Is it really so wrong?” Neil stopped abruptly, staring at Todd wide-eyed, like a deer caught in the headlights, and hid himself under the covers. Todd gasped. Did Neil really wish to die? Such a beautiful youth ended by its own hands? Blood violently pumped against his temples. He was stunned, unsure whether to soothe Neil or go back to bed. Neil’s scared look accompanied by the image of him in a pool of blood in the cold snow haunted his mind, though, so he walked up to the other’s bed and tentatively shook his shoulder.
Neil slowly turned around, and Todd felt a deep dread when he saw tears rolling down his cheeks.
“Neil, it’s all right,” he whispered. He knew from poems, books and Knox’s laments that love could be painful, but it seemed to him that even in the depths of despair there was beauty in it. When he saw the affliction in Neil’s eyes, though, he wasn’t so sure that love was always graceful anymore.
“Oh, Todd, if you only knew.” The words were choked out between violent sobs and copious tears, and filled him with sadness. He wrapped Neil in a hug. He held him tight, as if he were trying to squeeze the pain away, but it was a vain attempt. He started crying too, all his frustrations catching up with him. When Neil realized he was sobbing too, he parted from the hug.
A ray of moonlight shone on Neil’s face, and, with the way his features beamed in the dim and cold light, it seemed as if the moon’s luminescence was created to land on his hair, his eyes, his nose, his mouth, his cheeks. His tears. The moon colored his tears in silver, like rain painted cobwebs, the water they were drenched in glistening under the recently arrived sun. All of Neil, in truth, not only his tears, glistened under the moonlight. Todd smiled softly as he wept. Neil grinned back, and mumbled a “thanks” beneath his breath. Todd wanted to answer “for what?” but the silence, interrupted only by their sighs, seemed too precious to disturb it. He just shook his head and crawled back to his own bed.
Neil went to sleep, but Todd couldn’t. He was shocked. He hoped that Neil didn’t feel so alone to think that death would be a better company. He needed to know that he would always support him. If there was one thing he was sure of, it was that Neil deserved the world. He sighed, and regretted not telling Neil that he’d do anything for him to be happy.
There was another feeling that devoured his organs that scared him, because he wasn’t able to name it. Jealousy, again? For what, though, Neil’s love? He scoffed, burying his head in the pillow.
+++
The poets were all scrunched up in the cave, the little torch trembling and making every shadow dance. Charlie and Cameron were shouting at each other, which wasn’t unusual, but during the Poets’ meeting they tried to put their feud aside.
“You’re preposterous, Dalton!”
“Preposterous! That’s four syllables. Isn’t that too long for you, Richard?” Charlie taunted. Cameron fumed at this, clenching his fists to control the urge to smack the other’s snigger, which just widened at his anger. “What, found the word in Nolan’s rulebook?”
“Charlie, stop it!”
“Oh, come on, Perry!”
“The meetings should be to discuss poetry, literature or whatever we feel like discussing, not to verbally assault each other.” Neil coldly intevened. Charlie sat back, shooting a satisfied grin at Cameron.
“You betray me, Neil.” Neil just rolled his eyes at his friend’s antics, and proposed a poem to bring back peace in the little cave.
So, Neil stood up and started to proclaim the verses he chose. The words flew over Todd’s head, who was too lost in staring at how gracefully the shadows ran across his face to pay attention. They passed swiftly, leaving space every few moments to a blinding pair of eyes, much like the clouds hurried out of the sun’s way after a summer monsoon.
+++
“Shall I compare thee to a summer's day,”
Todd glanced at Neil from across the room. It was an involuntary reaction, an impulse he couldn’t resist, like a fly springing away when it sensed danger. For his embarrassment, Neil caught his gaze, offered an easy smile, and turned back to paying attention to Keating. His eyes were gleaming - Neil had always loved Shakespeare, whether it were his plays or his sonnets - and he was hanging from the teacher’s lips as he read the poem. Todd’s heart skipped a beat. He fixed his gaze back on Keating and tried to seem unbothered.
Once finished, the teacher slammed the book shut, and made himself comfortable on the edge of his desk. He scrutinized the class, his gaze lingering on Neil and then traveling to Todd. He raised his brows.
“Perry, Anderson,” he theatrically called them out, “you seemed quite excited when you understood what sonnet it was, would you like to share your impressions before I start?” Todd frowned. He knew Keating tended to ask him a lot of questions to try and get him out of his shell, but he always got caught off guard and felt too embarrassed to speak. Neil glanced at him, and must have understood his discomfort, because he immediately intervened. Todd admired him for his openness and sincerity.
As Neil spoke, gesturing vivaciously, he thought that he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but there, sitting in a classroom, listening to him passionately talk about what he loves. A sweet tangerine shade, the one peaches gained when they were ripe and ready for harvest, appeared on Neil’s cheeks when he got excited. It was endearing, and he couldn’t help but smile a bit. When Neil finished, his smile bright and his eyes looking for his, Keating glanced at him, shooting him a look that screamed “I understood something that you can’t even imagine”, and carried on with his lesson. Todd nodded gratefully, but was devoured by the curiosity to know why Keating had looked at him like that. When class ended, though, he couldn’t muster the courage to go and talk to him, so he just ran up to Neil.
“Shakespeare, huh?” Neil prompted, “Such a sap.” Todd chuckled.
“Not as much as Knox.” His friend hummed at that, his brain lost in thought. “Is everything all right?”
“Yeah, it’s just that-” Neil coughed, unsure of how to continue, “I'd like for someone to write me something like that, comparing me to a summer day and stuff like that.” Todd’s eyes widened, and turned to look at his friend. He found it hard to believe that no one had ever imagined writing anything about him. Just as that thought was formed, words flooded his brain. Words about his eyes, his smile, his laugh, his tears, the tint of his cheeks. Words about love.
Todd stopped walking at the realization. Surprised, he excused himself. Neil shouted after him, but he ran to his dorm and blocked the door by placing a chair in front of it. He sat on the bed, grabbed a pen and started writing. As he scribbled away, tears dripped on the notebook. Every word was a stab, every thought a punch.
The image of his family, that he had learned to relegate to the back of his mind, violently returned. Their lips were pursed, and their eyes were sad. Even though they were silent, Todd heard their sharp words. He had understood them for years, even if they never made it out of their throats. “I’m so sorry, Todd, that you are like that. It would be easier for me to love you if you just were normal.” That sentence, never expressed, and yet so loud, had been his lullaby for years, but he wasn’t ready to hear it said clearly. When people realized what a creep he was, it would be impossible, and wrong, to pass it over in silence. He sobbed.
He read the poem, and over it he wrote “To Neil”. Oh, how he loved him. How he somehow always had. Was it really so wrong, he asked himself. He tried to understand what was disgusting in wanting to hold Neil close, to dance with him everyday, to even steal a few kisses. The flutter in his stomach felt right, it felt comforting, so different from the coldness he had always received.
He heard someone banging on the door. He hid under the blankets and threw the poem under the bed, hoping that whatever monster rested under it would eat it so that it disappeared from the world forever. Neil kept forcing the door, and, eventually, he broke in, the chair falling on the floor with a loud bang. Todd couldn’t bring himself to face him. Neil ran to him.
“Todd, honey,” he whispered. His heart tightened at the nickname, hoping that maybe he wished for Todd to be his lover, but he knew all too well that once Neil found out what he was he would never use it again. He would be scared to share the room with him, instead. He glanced at him, and a whimper unwillingly escaped his mouth. Neil frowned, wrapping his arms around him. His touch burned, but knowing that he should never experience it burned more. “Todd, just so you know, I’ll support you in whatever you’re going through. No matter what.” Neil stared into his eyes as he pronounced the last three words, his sweet expression turning determined.
And Todd’s mind was crossed by the thought of spilling everything to Neil, but he sealed his lips before he did anything reckless. He simply dug his face into the crook of his neck, trying to find reassurance. And he did, because after a while he felt a bit better with himself, even if guilt still assaulted his stomach.
“May I know what made you cry?” Neil asked.
“Love,” he answered, even with a tint of humor.
“Oh, shoot.” Neil exclaimed, “Didn’t intend to pass on love sickness to you.”
Todd tried to smile.
+++
Todd wasn’t made for Latin. He absentmindedly stared at Meeks as he explained why his translation was wrong.
“ His rebus perfectis is an ablative absolute formed with a past participle, so you can’t translate it as if it were contemporaneous to the main clause.”
“Oh, all right. Thanks, Meeks.” He scratched over his translation and wrote something else. The page was filled with distracted scribbles, and it was such a mess that Todd found it hard to understand his own writing. He glanced at Meeks, who seemed just as helpless. When his friend read his correction, defeat took over his features. He got the translation wrong again, but he couldn’t concentrate. Having a crush on a boy was a much more urgent problem than getting temporal relations right.
“C’mon, Todd, it isn’t that hard.” Meeks sighed. “You’re just distracted.”
“Mh?” Meeks shook his head at that, and closed his Latin textbook. “Is everything all right, Todd?” his friend asked afterwards, worry flooding his face. “You seem absent.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine, thanks for asking.” he answered dismissively. He stared into Meek's eyes, covered by his thick glasses, and sighed. “I might just be tired.”
“Well, it would definitely be more useful for you to go to bed. Good night, Todd.” Meeks said, smiling slightly. Todd smiled back, but felt dizzy. Everyone was nice to him, but he was no one to deserve it. He felt like a fraud, letting his friends talk to a creep like him. He massaged his temples, tired. “Todd, are you sure that you’re well?”
“Yeah, I just need to sleep.” With that, he got up and headed to his dorm.
Neil was scattered over his bed, rehearsing his lines and yawning every few words. The words were murmured, like a prayer, and filled the empty room. When Todd entered the room, his eyes lit up.
“Todd, my man!” he exclaimed, trying not to sound tired. “Came back just in time to help me with my Shakespeare!”
“Um-”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Neil quickly repaired, apprehension clear in his eyes.
“No, no, I’d love to, you just seem so tired.” Todd hoped that Neil would give in and go to sleep, giving him time to reflect on himself and on what he should do. But he didn’t really wish for it that ardently. Even though he knew he should build a wall between Neil and him, he just couldn’t. One of his bright smiles was all it took for all his resolutions to crumble, much like the castles he built with mud as a child.
“No, really, if you don’t want to, don’t do it.” Todd just stupidly smiled at him and sat next to him on the bed. Neil beamed.
“We’ll start from the first scene I’m in. You’ll be the fairy and I’ll be Puck.” Neil explained, after he handed him the script. Todd scanned the text, and saw that he actually had to talk a lot. He glanced at Neil, uncertain. If Neil felt at home on a stage, whether it was their room or an actual theater, Todd felt attacked, all the attention cutting like a razor.
“Hey, you’re actually not so bad at acting.” Neil said, interrupting his train of thought, immediately understanding his doubts. “And besides, I’m the only one in the room and I think you’re the best person I know, so you’ve got nothing to lose.” Todd’s stomach shrunk and his cheeks turned beet red, as his eyebrows shot up in surprise.
“Um, all right, I’ll try.” he spluttered, flustered, and toyed with the cuffs of his shirt, agitated.
“Good.”
And so Neil proclaimed his first line, clearly and steadily, as if he were really greeting a little fairy, “How now, spirit! Whither wander you?” A deafening silence fell once his friend closed his mouth. Under Neil’s expectant look, Todd gathered the courage to read the answer, his voice quivering, “Over hill, over dale, thorough bush, thorough brier, over park, over pale, thorough flood, thorough fire, I do wander everywhere, swifter than the moon's sphere,”. As the words escaped his mouth, he gained confidence and, at a certain point, even felt thrilled, like he did when he snuck out of the dorm in the middle of the night. Once finished, he glimpsed at his friend, who was staring at him as if he had just hung up the stars.
“Todd, you were great.” he exclaimed, “We just found another talent of yours!”
“No, no, you’re the actor. I’m not-” he managed to say, as his heart beated faster every moment. Neil laughed, and acted out the next paragraph.
Todd lost the thread of the play while Neil spoke. He focused on his eyes, nearly completely hidden under fluttering eyelids, perhaps out of weariness, and noticed that they were the same color as the lake near Welton on a clear night. And Todd smiled as he found the reflection of the moon in the dark irises and all the twinkling stars of excitement.
His smile fell, though, when Neil called him back to reality.
“Todd, it’s your turn!”
“Oh, right, sorry, I got distracted.” he excused himself, burning in shame.
“Distracted, you say?” Neil repeated with a smug look on his face.
“Yeah, I-” Todd started playing nervously with the cuffs of his shirt again, at a loss of words.
“It’s alright, Todd, it’s late. I’m tired, too.” Neil said, and it sounded like an apology. “We should go to sleep.” Todd smiled and headed to his bed. He didn’t even bother changing himself, he just hid himself under the covers. Neil did the same, because after a while a muffled “good night” was heard.
Todd ignored it, and sighed. He was a mess. He should sort himself out, like most advised him to do. He thought of the teachers back at home who often told his parents that he was an anxious boy that would be good for nothing in the future. He choked a laugh. They hadn’t missed the target. He imagined the satisfaction that would control all their faces if they heard about his queerness, and all of his other failures.
“Todd?” Neil questioned hesitantly.
“Yeah, Neil?”
“I love you.” Todd groaned as his heart couldn’t help but wish that Neil reciprocated his feelings. But, obviously, Neil loved him as a friend, the right way, because he wasn’t a failure.
“I love you too.” And it was the truth, perhaps the only one Todd was sure of.
+++
Weeks passed, and Todd felt like he grew old every second that passed, the pain and the guilt carving invisible wrinkles in his soul. He couldn’t stand his own reflection, repulsion paralyzing him in front of it. When he caught a glimpse of his profile, an irresistible urge to destroy himself pervaded his body. He never gave in to the thought, though, he was too much of a coward.
Neil must have noticed a change in his mood, because he did everything to lighten him up, whether it was holding his hand in the cave, or smiling at him at any given chance, or randomly making him twirl, or leaning into him, or placing a light kiss on his forehead. Todd was falling a little bit more in love with him every day, and it scared him. His brain suggested consistently to tell Neil to stop, but every time he tried to, he’d just shut his mouth and stupidly smile at him.
Todd needed to discuss his infatuation, because it was nothing more than a small crush (at least that was what he tried to convince himself of), with someone or he’d break down. He didn’t know why he decided that talking to Charlie was the best of ideas. Maybe it was for his capacity to throw a joke in any situation, even in front of Mr. Nolan, or maybe it was because he always appeared to have an open mind for certain themes. At least, he hoped he did.
So Charlie and he were outside Welton, having a stroll around. His friend blabbered and joked, filling in Todd’s silence, giving him time to organize a speech and prepare himself for the worst. When he felt ready, he glanced up at Charlie, who was smoking, and coughed to gain his attention. Once his friend turned to face him, though, all the courage he gathered flet.
“What d’ya want, Toddy?” His cheeks turned red, his ears rang. He desperately tried to remember at least the incipit of his speech, but it disappeared from his brain leaving no trace. His heart started beating irregularly. Charlie, who understood his discomfort, placed a hand on one of his shoulders. “You can tell me anything,” he said, grinning, “Especially your dirty thoughts.” He meant it as a joke, just to fluster him a bit, but when he noticed Todd’s cheeks turn a darker shade of red, he added wiggling his brows, “Christ, Todd, caught my full attention. I’m intrigued.”
“It’s not that,” Todd managed to stammer out, “Um, I just- um,”
“Yeah?” Charlie urged him on, curious.
“What do you think of homosexuality?” he asked hesitantly, his tone barely a whisper. Charlie, thankfully, understood.
“You too? Neil asked me about that a few days ago.” Todd’s heart stopped beating for a moment. Did Neil suspect anything? Was he weird to him? He tried to find an answer in Charlie’s eyes, but all he found was amusement. Was he being made fun of? His friend took a long drag at this cigarette, and studied the smoke contorting itself in the sky and then disappearing between in the clouds. Todd wished he could vanish like that, too.
“Why do you want to know, Toddy?” Charlie questioned, but he gave the impression that he was fully aware of his motives. “Some guy caught your eye? Is it me?” he continued asking, the last part clearly intending to lighten the mood, but Todd couldn’t even force himself to shoot a little smile.
“No, it’s not. I’m not-” he tried to mumble, but embarrassment and fear made it difficult to clearly speak.
“Of course not.” Charlie brought the cigarette to his lips again, making an exaggerated thinking face. “Is it, by any chance, Neil?” Todd coughed, and also nearly tripped, praying whoever was up there to open an abyss under his feet so that darkness could hide him forever, but the ground remained solid. “Look, I got no problem with that, even if I don’t understand how anyone could refuse the sweet curves of a woman.”
“You’re not scared?”
“Scared? I ain’t scared of anything.” Charlie said as if he had just been offended, “And I can’t say that I’m surprised. Neil asking me about that a few days ago gave me enough time to recover from the shock that some of us might be queer, or whatever. I already spent three whole nights thinking about it.”
Todd nodded, his head light and his lungs filled with relief. It was as he breathed fresh air for the first time in his life. He thanked Charlie, who waved his hand dismissively. And from what Todd caught from Charlie’s words, there might be a chance that Neil was like him too. And so he asked, titubant, “Is Neil, um…” His question dwindled to silence, because he realized how he was just thinking wishfully, Neil just couldn’t be like him, it was ridiculous even only forming such a thought. But Charlie smirked and patted his shoulder encouragingly. “You might have a chance, Todd. You’re much more than what you think of yourself.” Todd blushed, and looked into Charlie’s eyes to see if it was just a joke, but all he found was sincere honesty. He smiled a bit.
“And I suggest you go talk to Keating,” Charlie reasoned, “What’s my voice if not one of a rebel?” Todd hummed, it was true, his friend loved approving of anything that most despised. Talking to someone else, an adult, might give him a more realistic opinion. He could trust Keating.
“Do you think he would ban me from his class?” he asked, still a little bit scared.
“He wouldn’t even dream of it!” was Charlie’s sure response. Todd felt a boost of energy run with his blood, so, after thanking his friend for his support, he sprinted to Keating’s office, confident and hopeful that the world would accept him like Charlie did. He knocked on the door, and entered after his teacher shouted to come in.
The man was grading some tests. When he saw him, his eyes lit up. “Oh, thank you, Anderson, for offering some solace in these difficult times,” he said, as he banged the papers on the table. “No, really, this is tedious.”
“Um, I’m sorry, Captain.”
“Not your fault, son.” He sighed, and gave him a small smile. “Anyways, what are you here for? I doubt you’re here just to save me.”
“I wanted to discuss something,” he mumbled, and then added, to make his teacher understand that it was a personal matter, “with you.” Keating’s brows furrowed.
“What’s the problem? Your parents?”
“No, it’s me.”
“Todd, you shouldn’t feel like a burden,” Keating immediately interjected, “I’ve never seen more talent for poetry in anyone else, and this is just a tiny part of yourself.”
“No, no, um, it’s not that. Thanks, though,” he said a bit uneasily. “I came here to ask about…” Embarrassment tied his tongue. He shouldn’t be asking a teacher anything regarding those matters, but Keating understood.
“Is it about your heart’s preferences?” He nodded to answer his question, not trusting his voice not to crack. “Todd, love is beautiful. There’s no such thing as a “wrong” love. We should accept it as it comes, without thinking if it’s morally acceptable or not. It’s part of us, the best part of us, and we shouldn’t be ashamed of it.” Keating posed a hand on his shoulder, and stared into his eyes. “Be proud of it, Todd. Live it fully, without any breaks.” A tear started rolling down Toodd’s cheek. He thought to all the hate he surrounded himself with and compared it with his teacher’s words, and nearly crumbled on the ground. His feelings weren’t wrong, they were something to be proud of, he repeated in his head, in disbelief that an adult pronounced them. Keating smiled at him, and there was commotion in his eyes. “I’m proud of you, Todd. You’re brave, very brave. I could never be this brave.”
“I’m not.”
“You are, you just don’t see it.” Keating hugged him, and Todd felt protected. “And, tell me, is your mystery boy Neil Perry?” he asked cheekily. Todd spluttered and tried to deny it, but Keating laughed over his words. “It is quite obvious, Mr. Anderson.”
Todd just sighed, helpless. Was his crush on Neil really that clear?
When he arrived back to his room, though, all the euphoria that was passed him on dissolved in thin air. Neil was sitting on his bed, holding a wrinkled page in his hand. Splotches of water, that had the same shape of tears, made the paper translucent in the light. Todd paled when he realized what Neil found. He slammed the door in shock.
Neil looked up to him, and opened his mouth, but Todd cut in before he could say anything, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I really am. Just, please, just throw it away and never mention it again,” His cheeks were painted in desperate shame, hot tears prickling in his eyes. “I’m sorry, you can never see my face again, but just forget that. Please.”
“No.”
“Please, Neil, forget it,” he prayed once again, ignoring his answer.
“I don’t want to.” A smile crept on Neil’s face, and, even in his deplorable situation, Todd was filled with sincere amazement. “It’s beautiful, and I’m honored to be your muse.”
Tods was baffled. Honored? “No, you don’t understand. I’m in love with you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” he said beneath his breath. Neil walked up to him, slowly, one step at the time, and squeezed him into a hug. “Oh, Todd, I love you too,” he murmured in his ear. “I can't believe this. Is it a dream? If it is, then I would like to sleep forever.”
Todd’s jaw dropped. “Neil, are you joking?”
“How could I joke about you, Todd?” Neil laughed softly, and held him closer.
“But-”
“Ah, stop it! No buts, we’re doing this,” he said, and placed his lips on his. All the mist that clouded Todd’s mind disappeared at the touch. It was like a wave that cleaned the shells on the shore, giving them a white tint that shone under the beaming sun. After they parted, Todd smiled.
“Can I ask you something?” Todd hummed, still grinning from ear to ear. “Could you read me your poem?”
“Um, you know I’m not good at reading out loud.”
“That’s not true!” Neil interrupted. “I love it.”
“Um, all right, then.” He went to grab the piece of paper, and cleared his throat.
Nothing you are but a faint dream,
A breath of distant roses, a summer eve.
And like the evening is bound to end,
To suffer for you I am condemned.
I trail behind you, frail and lost,
Love and loneliness a deadly frost,
And yet I chase you like suffered treasure,
But you escape like wind makes a feather.
I am eternally tied to you, like a cobweb
To a peach tree, like a snail to a wet
Moss sea, and it’s a choice I can’t regret.
In front of summer’s vivid wilderness
To be with you I pray the stars, helpless,
And I cry, as my vote falls into emptiness.