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Himiko stared at the faded symbol on her wrist. What was once rich red and obsidian brushstrokes against her skin had turned into little more than a whisper. With a sigh, Himiko let her bangs fall into front of her eyes, hoping that just maybe her hair could soak up some of the tears trickling down her face.
Choking up, Himimo rubbed her skin raw, hoping to no avail that the scarlet petals would return. After all, the vanishing mark could only mean one terrible thing.
The bandages that had been wrapped around her wrist law strewn across the layer of wood chips coating the ground beneath her. Craning her neck toward the setting sun glowing with bright bursts of pastels melting together, Himiko let the spring breeze wash over her.
Perched atop a swingset, Himiko pressed her sneakers against the woodchips. Back and forth. Trying to chase away the cincing in her ribcage, Himiko focused on the repetitive motion. Looking at plastic shovels shattered in the sandbox several feet ahead of her, Himiko swallowed hard. If only she could still pretend that everything was still pure and simple. Like her soulmark was more than just a phantom of everything she could have had.
Himiko could still picture the day the painted spider lilies first blossomed on her skin. Her mother had gripped her arm hard, leaving behind bruises a deeper hue than violets. A cursed mark, for a cursed child.
If Himiko pressed her eyelids together forcefully enough, she could still feel the sting of her mother’s fist impacting her cheek. As she rocked on the swing, Himiko let a grin stretch across her face as she recalled how one of her mother’s perfectly manicured nails had chipped in the process. A small victory that made the furious red swelling worthwhile.
Mother didn’t understand. Even if the kind of flowers that lined graves had been etched onto Himiko, her eyes lit up with life every time she gazed at her mark. A reminder that to someone out there she could be a normal girl. Loved unconditionally regardless of how she’d sunk her teeth into a sparrow’s neck. Or would longing look at pocket knives as if they were a cute accessory – like barrettes or something.
Even when Mother had encased Himiko’s wrist in too-tight bandages, the persistent pressure comforted Himiko. No matter how much her mother tried to cover up the mark Himiko could still revel in it like a comforting embrace. A sign that somewhere out there someone perfect for Himiko was waiting.
Digging her fingertips into her buns styled with wispy strands to resemble the flowers that had accompanied her for the better half of a decade. Letting her blonde hair fall against her shoulders, Himiko adorned her long-forgotten mask again. Because no one would accept her as she was. Not anymore. The love between her and her soulmate had never even had a chance to flourish.
Himiko had always hoped she’d meet her soulmate… on the first day of high school. A romantic meet-cute or something. She’d forget her umbrella. And then a lithe figure would approach her, sending sparks flying in her chest. And once the stranger held an umbrella over both their heads as the two of them stepped into the rain Himiko would finally spot the matching red flowers.
Now that was nothing but a pipe dream. Meeting her soulmate had withered away like flower petals coated with frost.
All she could hope for was that her soulmate’s death had been painless. Or that her soulmate had died enveloped in a deep scarlet veil of blood. Then it would have at least been a pretty death.
Wind rustled through the trees as the swing beside Himiko creaked. She didn’t even need to look up to recognize the sound of near weightless footsteps settling down onto the ground. Voice soft like ointment to a wound, Ochako spoke up.
“Himiko, what’s wrong?”
Steadying her breaths, Himiko pasted a smile onto her face. She tried to ground herself in the familiar sight of the weathered scarf draped around Ochako’s neck. “Nothing. I’m peachy!”
“If your mom dared to –”
Trying to chase the sullen traces out of her gold eyes, Himiko waved her hands in front of herself. “No, she didn’t. Don’t worry, ‘Chako. Even if she did, there wouldn't be a need to make a fuss over it.”
Pressing her lips together, Ochako stared back at Himiko. “Yes, there would! Nothing you do could justify her hurting you.”
“Yeah, right.” Himiko rolled her eyes. She could name a whole laundry list of reasons for her mother to let violet bruises bloom on her skin. The knives she had stowed beneath her mattress were only the first item.
“I’m serious, Himiko.”
“Okay, okay,” Himiko conceded as Ochako’s stern gaze lingered on her. “But she didn’t do anything anyways.” Picking at her cuticles, Himiko let her grin shift into a more subdued expression. “I’m just a bit worried about school and stuff.”
Brows weaving together, Ochako reached out to pat Himiko on her shoulder. “Well, let me know if you need any help. I might not go to a fancy prep school, but I like to think I’m halfway decent.”
Himiko beamed. “More than halfway decent. You’re smart and pretty to boot. Your soulmate would be lucky to have you.”
Holding up a blank wrist, Ochako snorted. “Himiko, you know I don’t have a soulmark.”
Stomach twisting into sailor’s knots, Himiko paled as she gazed down at her shoes. “Oh, sorry. I forgot.”
“No worries. Besides, it’s not like not having a mark is a bad thing. It means I get to choose who I want to love.”
Picking at her nail beds, Himiko stared off into the distance but barely even registered the canopy of trees stretching out across the park. “That’s a nice way to look at it.”
Chasing away the tears starting to gather at the corner of her eyes, Himiko pulled her lips into a taunt smile. Because maybe if she pretended to be happy soon enough the actual feeling would follow. She tried to focus on the wood chips crunching beneath her sneakers. The birdsong in the distance. The clouds chasing after each other across the evening sky. Anything to anchor herself.
The swings creaked as Ochako stood up and squeezed herself onto the same swing bench as Himiko. Not caring about the chains suspending the swings dug into her side, Himiko let herself sink into Ochako’s warmth. The erratic pacing in her chest steadied as Ochako traced circles on the nape of her neck.
“Can you please tell me what happened?” Ochako asked.
“Nothing happened.”
“You’re a terrible liar. You know that, right?” Ochako sighed fondly.
“Guilty as charged.”
Petting Himiko’s hair, Ochako whispered. “But please just tell me. Maybe I can help you fix things.”
“I don’t think this is a problem that can be fixed.” At last, Himiko’s mask cracked. The plastered smile shattered, scattering across the wood chips in a million tiny shards. Choking on her own snot clogging up in her throat, Himiko held up the faded mark.
Ochako gasped, her eyes growing as wide as saucers. “Shit. I’m sorry, Himiko. You were so excited to meet them.”
Letting the dam break, Himiko slumped against Ochako. Tears flooding out, Himiko clung to Ochako like a lifeline. “It could have been so perfect. Like maybe I’d accidentally bump into my soulmate at a coffee shop. We’d knock each other’s drinks over and notice the marks when trying to clean up the mess.”
“A perfect meet cute for the cutest girl in the world.”
“But yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be fine. God, I hope I’ll be fine.” Taking a deep breath, Himiko snorted the mucus back up. “Just got to face the fact that I’m unlovable now. Because there’s no way anyone would put up with my crap unless we were meant to be.”
Ochako hugged Himiko back hard. “Don’t talk like that!”
“It’s just the truth.”
“No, it isn’t. Do you have any idea how gorgeous your smile is? Or the way that you find beauty in even the goriest things?” Sparks flickering in her eyes, Ochako cupped Himiko’s cheek. “Soulmate or not, you are lovable in every way and I will die on that hill.”
Awestruck, Himiko gawked at Ochako. The way she flushed as soon as those words spilled out of her mouth. The rosy cheeks are framed by chestnut hair tugged at Himiko’s chest like gravity. Radiating in Ochako’s warmth, Himiko recalled all the little moments throughout the years. Like Ochako telling her the box cutter Himiko had decorated with stickers was pretty. The way Ochako mused over how sharp Himiko’s canines were. How she’d never once looked down on Himiko for sinking her teeth into a sparrow.
Part of Himiko wanted to facepalm herself for never noticing. She’d been so focused on her destiny that she hadn’t realized the perfect girl right in front of her.
“Ochako, do you think that it’s possible for people to become soulmates, to choose to be soulmates even if they don’t have matching marks?”
Lighting up, Ochako didn’t hesitate. “Yes! Absolutely.”
Melting away beneath Ochako’s honey gaze, Himiko reached out to take her hand. And for a second there Himiko imagined matching faded spider lily marks etched onto both their wrists.