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It had been a great evening. They had had so much fun together. Walking through Vantaa, Jere showing them all the interesting places and telling stories. And of course, their visit at the wall with the huge Käärijä painting.
He had enjoyed every moment.
It was so good to finally be back. Back in Finland. At the same place where Jere was, not even standing two metres away from him, looking at him with a huge grin.
There was no reason to be sad. No reason to be anything but happy.
He was tired, it had been a long day. Now he was looking forward to get some sleep. While the rest of the band went to the hotel, he went with Jere. Nobody batted an eye, because of course he would stay at Jere's. Anything else would have been unexpected and confusing.
He had been looking forward to the tour. He really had. Being on stage again, singing, feeling the energy, interacting with fans.
It would be great.
But still, when he lay down on the bed, closing his eyes, he felt like everything was crashing down on him.
Everything that had been hidden in the back of his mind behind all the excitement was jumping out to the front now, burning down the last remaining pieces of happiness.
It would not be great.
It would be a disaster.
It had been a dream, the whole last year had been a dream, and now he had to wake up and face reality again.
It was too big.
They had made plans that couldn't work out.
The success of last year had made them delusional, thinking they could make it even bigger.
Creating a fata morgana that was about to turn into dust and hot air. Quietly, almost invisibly.
Something that nobody would notice or remember.
They should have stuck to the little things. Small but successful in its way instead of big and empty.
They shouldn't have tried being something that they weren't and would never be. After all, they were still just a little band from a small country.
They were not The Beatles or The Rolling Stones.
No, they were just an ugly little pebble rolling towards the cliff.
It would hurt.
It already did.
"Bojan?" Jere was coming back from the bathroom. "Are you okay?"
"Aaaaare youuuuu?" It didn't sound as enthusiastic as he had intended.
Instead, he felt tears rising in his eyes.
Quickly, he blinked them away. He was fine. He was totally fine.
Jere walked over to the bed, laying down next to him, looking at him with tired eyes. "Now we sleep, yes?"
Bojan nodded, still not moving.
"You sleep with light?"
What?
It took him a moment to realise that Jere was talking about the light coming from the little lamp on his bedside table.
He turned the light off and lay back down. He could hear Jere shifting, and then he felt the other man cuddling up to him. "Is okay? Yes?"
Of course, it was okay. More than okay.
"Sure." This time, his smile was a real one, his arms finding their place around Jere.
"Good night."
"Good night."
However, it wasn't a good night.
It didn't take long for Jere to fall asleep. Bojan though was nowhere near sleep. Too many thoughts were running through his head, keeping him awake.
The start of the tour was so close.
The 'See you soon' tour.
Or 'See you not' when people wouldn't show up.
Despite all the coziness and pleasant warmth, he suddenly felt the strong need to get up. He tried to resist it for a few more minutes, trying to fall asleep.
But of course, he didn't manage to.
So, in the end, he got up, careful not to wake Jere up.
He wanted to run.
Run away. Anywhere, just far away.
However, he knew it wouldn't help. It wouldn't solve any problems. And running around in the middle of the night in a city he still barely knew wasn't really a good idea.
So, he ended up just standing on the balcony. It was cold. But not unusually cold for the time of the year. It was fine. He could deal with it.
Lightning up a cigarette, he looked into the distance. He didn't know when he would be here for the next time. He didn't know if...
No, he would come back.
He would visit Jere again.
He would.
If Jere still would want him.
Even when everything was lost.
Unlike him, Jere was doing it right, focusing on things he was good at instead of believing he could do anything and everything.
Lighting up a second cigarette, he tried to hold back tears.
He had wanted his family and friends to be proud of him. He had wanted Jere to be proud of him. Now he could be glad if they all weren't ashamed of him.
He had wanted this all so bad. He had been working hard for it.
But it obviously hadn't been enough.
It never was enough.
Maybe it had been the wrong moment. Maybe they had been waiting for too long. Maybe they hadn't done enough.
Maybe they simply were not enough.
He was not enough.
They couldn't make it bigger. Maybe it was time to give up. Stop it themselves before others would do it.
He didn't know how many cigarettes he had smoked when he suddenly heard a voice behind himself. "Bojan?"
He turned around, seeing Jere standing in the doorframe.
"You're not tired?"
"Can't sleep." He quickly tried to swipe his tears away but it already was too late.
"Bojan? You cry? What happen?" Of course, Jere had seen.
"I..." Now, he definitely couldn't stop the tears from falling anymore.
"Bojan, I... I do something wrong?" Jere sounded insecure and worried.
"No!" Hell no, it was absolutely not Jere's fault.
"Come back inside? It's cold."
He didn't answer. He didn't even feel the cold anymore.
"Please. Come here."
He still didn't move.
"Okay, I come to you now."
What? But he was smelling like smoke, his face was full of tears, and...
Before he could do anything, he already felt Jere's arms around him, pulling him into a hug. "It's okay. I am here."
Exhausted, he let himself fall into the hug. Jere was truly amazing. Getting up in the middle of the night just for this.
"You are cold. We go back now." Jere led him back inside and made him sit on the sofa under a warm blanket. "You sit here and I make tea, yes?"
He didn't protest.
Quietly, he sat on the sofa, cuddling up in the blanket. Waiting for Jere to come back.
Jere didn't take long, after maybe a few minutes he was back with a cup of tea. "Careful. Is hot."
He nodded, taking the cup, slowly sipping.
Jere was right, the tea was really hot. But it was so good after the cold outside.
For a while, they were quietly sitting next to each other on the sofa. Then he put the now empty cup on the little table in front of him. "Thank you."
"Of course." Jere pulled him into a hug, moving closer. "Maybe you tell me what happen and we find solution?"
"Nothing... Nothing really happened."
"Okay, but... you feel not good."
Slowly, he nodded. "Scared."
"It's okay." Soothingly, Jere stroked his back, letting him cling onto him. "I am here. You are not alone. It's good."
"It's not going to be good." His eyes filled with tears. "It's going to be a fucking nightmare."
"What is going to be nightmare?"
"The tour." Tears were running down his cheeks again.
"What? Why?"
"Because no one is coming!"
"That is not true."
"It is. People don't want to see us."
"I hear very different things."
"The tickets are selling badly, Jere. We even had to change venues to smaller ones. Very small ones."
For a moment, it was quiet. Maybe he could have seen himself as the winner of the conversation since Jere wasn't saying a word of disagreement anymore but he didn't feel like a winner.
Not at all.
"I don't know the venues. But I know people love you."
"Yeah, those two people who come to a concert, they love us." He laughed but nothing about it was funny.
"Not only two people. Many people."
"Honestly, Jere, we just... we wanted to make it bigger than we are able to. It's our own fault. Like... from one gig last year to five this year in Germany... of course, that doesn't work. And... it's been almost a year since Eurovision now. The hype is over, no one wants to listen to our new songs we're going to play, people are listening to the new contestants. Maybe not your fans, the whole country loves you and you are people's winner, but we weren't even in the top twenty."
Once he had started to speak, he hadn't been able to stop the words anymore. It felt kind of relieving to have said it but also very scary to be so open even though he should know that Jere only wanted to help him.
"Some people go, yes. But many, many people stay. They still love music. And new people come. I don't know Germany people but I know Finland love you."
"Yeah, because of you. Because they hope to see you."
"No, because they love Jokerman and Jokerband. I am holiday now. I just watch and people love."
"You're... you're not coming on stage?" His mind was already picturing the disappointment of the fans who all had bought the tickets just to see Käärijä. Oh fuck.
"I am holiday. I want relax, I want enjoy concert. I want listen. You are so good."
He couldn't blame Jere. Relaxing on holidays was a great plan. It was the right thing to do. It unfortunately just didn't help at all to shut up his anxiety.
What if at the second show no one would show up after the disappointment in the first one? What if they would never be able to play a gig in Finland again? What if this was the sad end of what had started so amazingly?
"Bojan, I am sorry."
He shook his head. "Don't say sorry, it's your right to do so. And we're probably a lost cause anyway. It's good if you don't waste your time."
He was already wasting Jere's time and energy with his whining here. He should finally shut up and let Jere sleep.
"It's not waste."
He shook his head, bringing some distance between them. "It's okay, Jere. Go to sleep, I'll be fine." He knew it was a lie but he had to stop being selfish and finally start to protect Jere.
"Oh no. Don't do this. Don't tell me go away." Jere pulled him close again. "I do not go and sleep now when you sit here and feel bad."
He wanted to say thank you but his mind was shouting at him that Jere was just saying that now and for sure would let him fall later. When everything was burnt down and nothing left anymore, Jere surely wouldn't be able to stay.
"Concerts go great, I am sure. I know. People don't need see me, they see me all time in Finland. They go your concert because they want see you. They can go my concert if they want see me."
It made sense what Jere was saying but it still wasn't enough to make his damn thoughts shut up.
"Your new songs are very good, people love new songs, I am sure. They should listen to new songs, not Cha Cha Cha."
Jere was right when he said that Cha Cha Cha didn't need to be promoted anymore but their new songs did. It was true that it was of more use for the band when people focused on their new songs instead of going crazy about Cha Cha Cha again.
However, it all was of no use when they would end up playing new songs in an empty venue or in front of sad, angry, and disappointed fans. When no one liked the songs.
When he would only end up having more panic attacks.
"Bojan, you are not alone. You have Jokerband with you, yes? I am there too, just not on stage. And I bring Häärijä too. He is big fan."
Yeah, he wouldn't fail alone. If he fucked up, he would pull them all down with him. Great.
"Or I bring Hojan! Good idea, very good."
"Hojan?" Now, a little but honest smile spread on his face. "He still has that wig?"
"Of course! Maybe he think Käärijä all time is boring, now he want be Bojan. But he is good Hojan, yes!"
"So, if I need a break, we can just send Hojan on stage?" He laughed.
"We can try. But Hojan don't speak. And no Slovenia. And not sing so good."
"Guess I have to sing myself then."
"Yes, please. I love hear you sing."
"Thank you." He knew Jere did. And he himself loved to sing. He usually also enjoyed being on stage. Just this huge fear was destroying everything.
"Bojan, you are smart guy, yes?"
"Uh..."
"Yes, you are. You speak so many languages, you are good doing so many things. When you think you are not good, then you think wrong. When you think everyone hate you, then you think very wrong. Finland love you. I love you. Jokerband love you. Your concerts in Finland go great, and then next Estonia."
How could Jere be so optimistic?
"Our first ever concert in Estonia, yeah." Scary too. How would it be? How would the Estonian audience be? What if going to Estonia was a mistake? What if no one would come?
"Yes yes, good concert too, I am sure."
Would Jere come along? He had said he might if he had time, hadn't he? So, hopefully, Jere did have time and would come to support them. To support him because he felt like he really needed it.
"Are you..." He looked away, too scared to look into Jere's eyes. Jere remained silent, luckily not making their favourite joke but patiently waiting for him to continue. "Are you coming to Estonia?"
"Yes! Only if you want, of course."
"I wouldn't ask if I didn't want you to come. Backstage, onstage, in the tour bus, whatever you feel comfortable with. Alika might be coming too and singing her song."
"Oh. She sing?"
"Yeah. Probably her song Bridges."
"Hm..." Jere seemed to be thinking about something. "You want sing Cha Cha Cha?"
"Not without you." In theory, he could, he knew the lyrics, he had learned them months ago because he loved the song so much. And maybe, just maybe he had also wanted to impress the rapper.
But performing the song on stage in Estonia without Jere? No, that wouldn't feel right at all.
"With me?" What?
"But... you said you're on holiday now?"
"I am. And I don't want do all concerts. Only Estonia. If you want. I like Cha Cha Cha with you."
"Of course, I want! I'd love to!" He looked at Jere, who was smiling warmly at him, and a smile spread on his face too.
"Good." Jere pressed a gentle kiss on his hair.
Maybe, just maybe the gigs wouldn't be as bad as his anxious mind wanted to tell him.
At least not the first three ones.
And if the tour had a good start, there was a chance that it also would continue well, wasn't there?
Maybe Jere was right and he shouldn't believe everything his anxiety was telling him.
Maybe his mind had pictured things worse than they actually were.
For a while, they stayed quiet, just cuddling under the blanket. Tired from the day, eyes almost falling shut. "Jere?"
"Yes?"
"You think the tour will still be a success? Even if we play in the small venues?"
"Yes. It is a success when you have fun."
"And when I get a panic attack?"
"Then others help you. And you can always call me. Or you speak to Kris. Or Jure, or Jan, or Nace. Or somebody else. We all want help you. We all want you happy."
"Thank you." This time the tears in his eyes were happy tears full of thankfulness. "I will do that. Or hopefully not because it hopefully won't happen. But I will call you anyway and I will tell you."
"Yes yes, very good."
"Yeah, you are right."
"Yes. And maybe we try sleep a bit? Tomorrow is a new day. Better day, I hope."
He nodded. He really was tired and he wanted nothing but finally get some sleep. And now he also thought that he probably would finally be able to actually get some.
"Yeah, let's go." He took Jere's hand and got up.
Together they walked back to the bedroom, tiredly letting themselves fall on the bed, cuddling up to each other, both of them falling asleep even more quickly than they had expected.