Work Text:
“I promise didn't I?"
I did yet I failed to keep it. But it was for the better. It's better if I was the one taken rather than him. I don't know what I would do if our situation were switched.
I hope he doesn't hate me. I hope he still forgives me after this. I promised to never do this. That I'll hold on. But surviving while being under constant pressure is hard. How am I supposed to survive while I have to worry if you or Lewis had eaten already? How am I supposed to think about living if I don't know if your okay? How AM I suppose to live without knowing if dad is taking care of you?
I never even had the chance to say hello to Lewis. You were my anchor. My life line. My support. And I was taken away from you. You were the only reason I'm still here.
I miss you already. You were always there to attend to the painful bruises and injuries mother gave me. You were always there, ready to step in if mother started to go too far. I admired you for your braveness. I was supposed to protrct you! That was my job! I'm the oldest! I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you and Lewis when mother and father neglected us! But I failed. I failed to do so.
If you were here right now you would have told me I never did. That I did my best. That I did enough. But I don't feel like it's enough. It was never enough. Not in my eyes. Not in mother's eyes.
Mother hated how much I looked like father. She said I looked and acted so much like him. Our appearances might be the same but I'm far from acting like him. He isn't a coward. He isn't someone who immediately gives up on everything.
I miss you already.
I just want to hear your voice again. I miss your comforting smile and assuring words. I miss your presence. Your presence that always brought out the smile that no one was able to.
I just want to go back to you.
Back home.
Back where I really belong.
I couldn't do it. I was being a coward again. I couldn't kill myself. I kept thinking of you. I couldn't leave the world and end everything knowing the news of me dying would break you. I couldn't do that to you.
I miss you. I wanna go back.
End of entry,
—Mat