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Zuko sat in his room, the sun cast shadows from the window as it set. He could feel the overwhelming fatigue of his body, the days have not been too kind to him. The Firelord drops his aching head onto his pillow, feeling the soft silk against his skin is exactly what he needs right now, Zuko needs to relax. He sighs as he settles himself on his bed, the pounding in his temples are all too constant and he furrows his brows to try and make it stop.
The pounding is caused by his nightly routine of slipping into the past again, peeking at closed doors that have been forgotten by time. But Zuko hasn’t forgotten, in fact, it has been a persistent reminder of his current state in life. How, as a thirty-two year old Firelord, he hasn’t moved on from the past, perpetually haunting him in his dreams. He thought about his life as a young Firelord, how he helped the Avatar restore balance in their world and build a city together. Zuko peeked a little further into the door and saw his young self with Aang, legs tangled in the heat of their passion, heaving and sweating, whispers of their names carried by the wind as they reached their peak. He saw how much love and pain inhabited their bodies, their own private moments contained in Aang’s small room. Zuko’s crippling affliction in hiding their relationship from the people around them, the stolen glances in meetings and peace talks. Their hands lightly brushing against each other as they walked by. How it hurt Zuko to hide his love to the world.
He closed his eyes, trying hard to fall into a dreamless slumber and forget about Aang. The six years of their covert affair danced on tip toes in his mind, tugging at the heartstrings that Zuko coddled in the last nine years. Time went on for everybody else, but he stayed frozen in time with his hands holding Aang’s, deeply in love with one another.
Zuko’s thoughts were interrupted by a knock, his head snapped at the sound and called over to Suki on the other side of the door. She emerged through the dark shadows in his bedroom, holding a small scroll in her hands as she looked at Zuko with a sullen smile.
“What is it?” The Firelord asks, sitting up on his bed to reach for the scroll.
“It’s an invitation from Aang. We’re invited to Kya’s first birthday. You don’t have to go, Zuko.” Suki expressed her worry, she’s been Zuko’s guard for as long as she can remember, and from time to time, she sees her friend bearing a forlorn air around him, looking lost in his own world, muttering Aang’s name like a silent prayer – a wish. Suki knew how the Firelord felt for the Avatar, but she never spoke about it out loud, it wasn’t her place anyway.
Zuko only smiled at her, taking the scroll into his own hands and unfolding it to see the contents. It’s handwritten by Aang, the familiar signatures and letters played around before his eyes and Zuko couldn’t help but let a single tear slip past his lashes. He whispered, “It’s okay, Suki. We’ll go. If the Avatar personally wrote this to invite us, it would be rude to refuse his invitation.”
The warrior could only nod at the Firelord’s sudden formality, she bows her head and steps back out of the room to give Zuko his much needed space.
–
Zuko prepared himself as he arrived at the Republic City, the very foundation of his and Aang’s history. The same place where he shared his lonely nights with the Avatar under the moonlit skies, dreaming of what could be their future while their hands are intertwined, soft brushes of thumb over delicate skin warmed Zuko’s heart. He felt his heart sink when his leather-clad foot stepped onto the pavement of this city that broke his heart, Zuko watched the rally of bodies that greeted his return, almost a decade later. He smiled halfheartedly and waved at them, greeting them with grace and indebted glee.
“We should head to your hotel, Zuko.” He heard Suki comment behind him with her ever so watchful eye, after many years of attempting to assassinate the Firelord, Suki became wary of his public crusades. The Firelord is grateful for that, he smiled at the warrior and began walking to his carriage. Suki followed graciously behind.
As the carriage traversed through the rough roads, Zuko couldn’t help but look out the window, the once familiar place for him is now nothing but just a remnant of his past life here, he knows no person or street. Everything seems so distant and disconnected to Zuko, even if he was one of the founders of this place. Perhaps it’s his fault for refusing to be involved in the development of the city after they established it, perhaps it’s Aang’s fault that Zuko left. He can’t remember who’s to blame now, it has been so many years.
Zuko’s eyes fell on the familiar restaurant where he and Aang used to come by after long days of meetings and peace talks, they’d relax and unwind through cups of tea and noodles as they talked about everything and nothing. With a sudden yell, he ordered the carriage to stop, Suki’s pleas fell on deaf ears as Zuko stepped out of the coach. A hand stopped him, it was Suki, he looked at her with sorrowful eyes, glistening under the sun as a constellation of tears formed under his golden irises. Suki understands that this is something the Firelord has to do, she slips her hand off of Zuko and the carriage slowly ascends away.
The restaurant is nothing more than a faded memory for the people who first occupied the city, this place stood for more than a decade and is still alive, although not well. Zuko breathed in the musky air as he marched forward. The familiar ring of bell chimed when he opened the door, there were barely any people inside, it was dim and dusty – neglected. Oh, how it perfectly reflected Zuko’s soul.
His legs swiftly moved across the restaurant floor, the muscle memory taking over his mind as he stood in front of the same table he and Aang favored when they came here. Zuko clutched at his chest, he could feel the tightness enveloping him as he peered into the window of his life from long ago. The same seat where he laughed at Aang’s witticism, the same seat where the same man broke his heart. Zuko sees his old self sitting cross-legged in the dim light before Aang, forcibly smiling at his lover while tears slowly trickled down his cheeks as Aang declared his decision to move on with his life – to move on from Zuko. The noise around them seemed to fade, and Aang’s voice was nothing but whispers in his ears. They were supposed to make decisions together, so why had Aang decided to leave him? No forewarning, it has been said, so it must be.
The Firelord could hear the shattering of glass below him when his hands felt numb and weak to hold on to anything. There’s ringing in his ear as Aang’s words kept repeating in his head, “I’ve moved on.”
Zuko stood there shaking, asking the Spirits to help him – his old self, stuck in this forgotten restaurant, his pinned up hair collecting unforgiving dust and his decaying soul lingered here for nine years, waiting for Aang to come back to him.
His heart raced, tears slithering their way down his face. The murmurs of unknown voices whispering, “What a sad sight.” echoed around him. The world spun and his mind felt like hot air was being blown inside, it was too much – too paralyzing. He had to get out. Zuko ran outside, stumbling over old tables and chairs. He gave one last glance at the old seat he used to occupy, his ghost unable to leave the building, he looked away. Zuko couldn’t take the grief of being left behind.
When he got out, the suffocating air seemed to be gone, Zuko breathed in the warmth and collected himself. He focused his breathing, trying but failing to relinquish the thoughts of Aang into his mind. He is reminded of the celebration tomorrow, he thought about Aang’s current life in this city, his wife and kids, the holiday celebrations they have with Aang, is he happy with them? Were they worth leaving Zuko behind? Do they love Aang as much as he does?
He looked around at what Aang built when Zuko was gone, in a way, he also left Aang behind. The only difference is that, Aang had someone to build a life with, Zuko only had himself. No support, no shoulder to lean on. He had to confine himself within the walls of his palace, too tall for anyone to break in to. Maybe Zuko refused to let anyone in, in fear that they will see that the Firelord is not who he used to be. He is only living for the people he serves, not for himself. Zuko left his heart and soul in this city for Aang to bury and neglect, so the Avatar can build his empire without Zuko. He looked back at the same neglected restaurant behind him, pleased that Aang had left it untouched after all these years. Maybe there is hope, after all.
–
The day of Kya’s birthday, Zuko arrived alone. Suki left with Sokka to come to Aang's home together, he could forgive the warrior. It has been months since she saw her husband and Zuko couldn’t deny the lovers the alone time they needed. He strides past the sea of people, smiling warmly at the familiar old friends who have aged with kindness. Like a twist of cruel fate, Zuko looks behind him, the warm smile turned over, the crack in his heart slowly crept to its breaking point when he sees Aang for the first time in years, laughing with Katara while they play with their child. He looked – looks – so happy. The happiest he’s ever seen Aang in Zuko’s lifetime, he can’t help but feel a tinge of jealousy in his chest at the sight.
But then, as if Zuko invoked it, Aang’s eyes met his’. Zuko feels a lump in his throat, he feels his stomach flutter and twist as Aang whispers at Katara and walks over to him. Zuko’s vision blurred, the world around him felt like it was in slow motion, the only thing he could focus on was Aang. The way the Avatar smiles at him and pulls Zuko into a tight hug, choking a small, “I missed you.” at the Firelord.
Zuko could only stare at the man before him, his mind can’t think of a perfect response at how Aang pulls him away from the crowd by his wrist. The Firelord’s heart pounded into his ear, he couldn’t think or speak clearly, but everything shattered when the next words Aang said were,
“Zuko, I’m glad you came. But..” He lets go of Zuko’s wrist, standing a mere few steps away from the Firelord, Aang’s eyes filled with worry, “..I can feel the way you look at Katara, the way you look at us. I hope you harbor no hard feelings towards my family.”
The Firelord huffs, he knows he can never lie to Aang, he casts his eyes down dejectedly. It’s like an admittance of defeat, that yes – he does have hard feelings towards Katara. How could he not? The reason Aang broke his heart is because of her, does that not permit him to feel resentment towards her?
As much as he wants to lash out at Aang, this day is not about him, so Zuko locks eyes with his former lover, “I don’t intend to cause any harm here, Aang. I was minding my own business.”
He tries his best to be as nonchalant as possible, but the way Aang’s gray eyes looked at him like a storm in Zuko’s ocean, the inexorable confession slips past his tongue,
“However, I can’t help but think that our love died young because of her.”
The confession was met by silence, a barrier so thick that even if Zuko tried he couldn’t break it. He was sure this was the end of their fleeting reunion, although, short-lived, Zuko will cherish it in his heart. He caught his breath when Aang finally broke the deafening silence,
“It didn’t die young, Zuko.” Aang closed his eyes, fighting back the welling tears threatening to slip past his eyes, “If I didn’t have my duties as the last Airbender alive, we’d have a choice to grow old together. But with our power and positions in life, it can never happen.”
The flame within Zuko burned bright at the words, he understood what Aang meant with his statement. That – in another life, if he wasn’t the Firelord and Aang wasn’t the Avatar, they could be together, living their lives in a blissful dream. Zuko could only hope that in Aang’s next life, he would find the Firelord. He took Aang’s hand on his own, it was cold against Zuko’s warm skin, it sent tremors down his spine, “It’s been nine years, my love. I have not moved on for even a moment since the day you said goodbye.”
In a languid motion, he lifted Aang’s hand against his dying but beating heart, “Because I refuse to move, Aang..” Zuko unraveled before his former lover, connecting his forehead against Aang like it would wash away all the years that they were apart from each other, “..I will stay as that twenty-three year old man and love you endlessly until I wilted..”
Zuko’s golden lachrymose embers met with Aang’s, giving him a smile that never reached his eyes, his breath hitching as he whispered, “.. so, my love, If you ever think you got it wrong here, come back to me. I’m right where you left me – with no choice but to stay there forever.”