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It was a Thursday, and Kenny Mccormick could be staying at home, doing absolutely nothing if he really wanted to, but instead was forced to go camping on a class field trip.
Does Kenny mind? Not particularly. Does he want to go? No, because the last time he went camping he fucking got burnt alive, ashes and all.
“Kenny, honey,” his mother says. “You should go out with ya’ little friends, Kylo, Stark, and that fat one that I can’t seem to remember the name of. I’m sure they would want you to come, right? Plus, all you need is a sleeping bag, just share a tent with one of your friends, will ya’? Yer Momma’s not in the mood to run to the store and getcha one.”
Kenny, as always, just nodded and took his bag with him.
As he got to the bus stop, he saw the others waiting for him, as always, Cartman and Kyle were fighting, this time about whose tent was better.
“Pssh, there’s no way your lame-ass tent is better than mine, Kyle! My mom bought me a brand new one, just for this trip.” Cartman said, showing off his tent bag that read: “6-person tent! Has a built-in porch!” with a picture of a green tent plastered on it.
“Well, Cartman, you’ll really be needing that big tent ‘cause you’re so fat! You probably don’t even have enough room to share with anyone because of how fat your ass is.” Kyle retorted, Kenny and Stan snickering at the usual remarks.
“AY! DON’T CALL ME FAT, YOU STUPID JEW!”
At that moment, there was a screech and the usual voice of their bus drivers’ screaming filled their ears.
“GET ON, AND SIT DOWN!”
---
“Okay children, today, as you all know, we will be going on a camping trip, so you should have brought a tent and a sleeping bag, otherwise you’re gonna be sleeping on the ground.” Said Mr. Garrison, in his usual, dragged-out and monotone voice. “So, everyone, after you give me your permission slip from your parents, you can get on the activity bus.”
After everyone handed in their permission slips, it was off to some random forest in butt-fuck nowhere they go.
On the bus, Kenny sat next to Craig, this kid who sounded very nasal but rarely ever even spoke. Anyways, other than that and the fact that Kyle and Cartman kept arguing and getting yelled at to “SHUT THE HELL UP”, the bus ride was fine.
After they had arrived, everyone stood in line and got placed into groups of two.
“Stan, you’ll be with Kyle, Wendy, you’ll be with Bebe, Clyde, you’ll be with Tolkien, Kenny, you’ll be with Craig, Eric, you’ll be with Butters, and Red…you’ll be with Annie.” Mr. Garrison said, finalizing the groups.
“Okay, so now that you’re in groups, go explore and set up camp. You’re required to come back here by 7 PM, so don’t get lost, okay? If you need me, I’ll be In the bathroom, make sure to stay with your buddies, okay?”
Mr. Garrison walked off, muttering to himself. “Oh, Mr. Hat, I wish I didn’t have to be here…” As soon as he was out of sight, everyone rushed to be with their friends.
The girls set up camp on one side, while most of the boys went to explore first.
“Hey, Kenny, c’mere!” Kyle beckoned, with Stan next to him. Cartman and Butters approaching short after.
“Hey, fellas! What’s going on? Are we gonna set up camp?” Butters said, in that usual enthusiastic tone.
“No, Butters,” Cartman said, “we’re gonna go exploring first, and aaafter that, we’ll set up camp. Unless… Kyle here is too much of a wuss to come with us.”
“Shut up, Cartman! I was just about to say the same thing, so I’m not a wuss, dumbass!”
The two, as usual, bickered. Losing interest, Kenny glanced to his left. Hands in his pockets, Craig was kicking up some dirt and rocks as he waited for something to happen.
“Hey, you have a tent, right?” Kenny asked.
“Yeah, what, did you not bring one?” Craig replied, raising his eyebrows.
“Yeah, but it wasn’t my fault, we can share right?”
“Since when was my stuff up for grabs? No, we can’t share a tent, mine will barely fit me inside, let alone two dudes cramped into a tent too small for even one.” Craig said, unenthusiastically.
“Pleeaaase, look Tucker, I’ll suck your dick if you let me shareee…” Kenny pleaded in his most disgustingly sweet voice.
“Ew, I’ll let you if you leave me alone.” Craig said loathingly, flipping Kenny off as he grinned sardonically at him.
Turning his attention back to the rest of the group, the fighting seemed to have stopped.
“Alright, now that’s settled,” Said Kyle, “where should we go?”
“They have maps,” Stan said, grabbing enough so that each pair had at least one map. “Come, let’s go to the lakeside first, then maybe split up and find something interesting to do.”
When they all arrived at the lakeside, they all realized they never brought swimsuits or anything, so all they could do was skip some rocks on the water. They quickly became bored and decided to split up. There were two paths, and the others decided that Kenny and Craig should go for the left, and Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Butters for the right.
Before they split up, Kyle told Kenny and Craig that if they get lost, to just follow the map back to the camping grounds.
And with that, Kenny and Craig were left alone to explore and probably get tic bites all over their legs.
“Soo..” Kenny tried to make small talk, but it didn’t seem like Craig was in the mood, so he just gave it up. They walked for a long while. Kenny didn’t know how long, but he knew it took a while. Once they reached a tree with some weird engravings on it, they both decided that they should probably turn back, it was getting pretty dark anyways.
“Hey, where’s the map, dude?” Craig asked.
Kenny stuck his hand into his pocket, only to be greeted with: Nothing.
“Um. Didn’t you get one?”
“God, fucking dammit. Kenny, you lost the Map.”
----
“Kenny, do you not know how lost we are? We can’t backtrack because everything in this god-forsaken forest looks the same, we have no idea where we are, and the last time we saw the other guys, it was--” Craig checked his watch. “2 whole goddamn hours ago. We were told to meet back up at 7, it’s 6:52.”
Before Kenny could make a retort, hell, even say something- he felt droplets on his head,
Tip. ..
Pit pat …
Tip…pitter patter...
It started pouring, and the two quickly reacted.
“FUCK YOU KENNY! THIS IS ALL THANKS TO YOU!” Craig yelled over the rain, giving Kenny the finger as he opened his backpack, and got out his tent and an umbrella.
“I’M SORRY, OKAY?” Kenny yelled back. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE WE SETTING UP CAMP? HERE?”
Craig didn’t speak but just handed the umbrella over to Kenny, who opened it and shielded them both against the rain.
“Holy shit, it’s pouring. This always fucking happens to me, dude. I promise you, a thundercloud is gonna follow me and strike me down.” Kenny said, exasperated.
“Shut up, Mccormick, now help me set up the tent. Also, pull your fucking hood up, are you stupid?” Craig replied, pulling out the metal rods, the tent body, the rainfly, and a small pouch full of stakes from his tent bag.
“You know how to pitch a tent, right?”
“No,”
“Are you serious? Weren’t you a scout?”
“Yeah, for like a week until that pedophile scoutmaster took pictures of us butt-naked, like 5 years ago. Got arrested for being a pedophile or something.” Kenny said, holding onto his hood as the rain and wind attacked him.
“Holy shit, dude,” Craig said, connecting the metal rods and sliding them through. “Kenny, hold the rods, I’ll stake the tent to the ground, then you get the rain fly and drape it over the tent. Then, get the fuck in.”
“Got it, hurry up, I’m about to die from hypothermia if I don’t get struck by lightning first.”
Following their not so planned out plan, they set up the tent and got their asses inside.
“Holy shit, not even a light? Ouch, that’s my hand-- dude, I can’t see shit,” Kenny grumbled, as he got in the tent which Craig was right about, much too small.
“I fuckin’ told you,” Craig said, getting out a flashlight from his soaked bag. Craig turned it on and basked in its bright, artificial light. He pointed it towards the dark abyss of his bag, rummaging through it to maybe find something to eat. He remembered his mom had packed him a few snacks and a sandwich for him just in case. “Hey, you hungry?” Craig asked, looking up and pointing the flashlight up at Kenny to get a good look at him.
Kenny had taken off his parka and was sporting an equally wet white T-shirt with faded stains all down the front. “Dude, don’t shine that thing in my face,” he said, cringing away from the light. “You got something to dry off with?”
Craig looked through his bag again. “I have a towel, just don’t get lice on it or anything.” He handed it to Kenny and realized he should probably take his chullo off as well. He took it off and ran his hand through his hair.
Digging into his never-ending bag, Craig pulls out four things. “I’ve got one protein bar, a bag of crushed chips, and a very moist ham and cheese sandwich which we gotta share..also an orange. So, pick your poison.
Kenny’s eyes narrowed. “You poisoned these?”
“No, godammit, it was an idiom you retard.”
Kenny could hear the rain thumping above them and pondered for a moment before deciding: “Share me some of your sandwich, and I’ll take the chips. Also, if you don’t want the orange, I’ll have it. I’m hungry, dude.” Kenny grabbed the flashlight and pointed it at Craig. “Dude, you’re not bald under the hat? I always thought you were balding like your dad.”
“Shut up,” Craig said as he tossed Kenny the chips and unwrapped the sandwich to tear it in half. “It’s a little damp, but still edible. Been sitting in my bag for almost 4 or 5 hours now though, might wanna watch out for that before you get food poisoning.”
“Yuck dude,” Kenny said, though he still bit into it without a second thought. “Mm..iths noht bahd ashutally.. ish there mahyo in thish?” he says, mouth full of wet sandwich.
“No..? Are you allergic?” Craig asked, not a twinge of concern in his voice as he unpacked his sleeping bag, not even bothering to look up.
“Nah, I just like mayo. I like anything, really, you get used to it when you’re really fuckin’ poor. It’s like that one time I ate so many ‘mints’ I exploded. It turned out to be antacid tablets, by the way.” Kenny rambled, stuffing the rest of the sandwich into his mouth
“Oh, bummer,” Craig says, trying to keep his voice flat, though his lips twitched.
After Kenny had finished eating, he unrolled his sleeping bag and pulled out some magazines from his bag. He lay on his stomach, legs just barely touching the end of the tent.
The flashlight was hung on the top of the tent, which lit just enough so they could see.
“Ugh, read that sometime else, dude, the chicks can wait.” Craig said, peeking over Kenny’s shoulder to look at the mag he was reading.
“Oh shut up, you gay or something? I got these just a few days ago, hadn’t gotten the chance to look at ‘em because Karen kept following me,” Kenny said, unfolding one of the pages with those big pictures.
“Karen? My sister’s friends with her, Tricia talks about Karen all the time. I think they got into a fight recently, hasn’t nagged me to take her to Harbucks in a while.”
“Maybe,” Kenny murmurs uninterestedly and flips another page.
Scowling, Craig gives up on trying to initiate conversation and slumps into his sleeping bag, which is covered in the Red Racer logo.
---
Kenny woke up, groggy. God, his back hurt so bad, must’ve slept on a branch or something. Rays of early morning light peeked through the opened tent door. Craig’s sleeping bag lay open and wrinkled, no Craig in sight.
He grabs around for his jacket, eyes squinted open into slits. Feeling around for it, he’s met by Craig’s hat, which he takes a look at and quickly throws to the side once he confirms it’s not his stuff.
Leaves crunch outside the tent as Craig’s head pokes in from the half-open flap.
“Dude, you were all up in my space when you fell asleep, I’m actually 90% sure you drooled on me too.”
“Ugh, cut me some slack, I was freezing and your flashlight died when I tried to find my jacket in this mess.” Kenny groaned, pulling the tattered sleeping bag over his head, giving up on his jacket search.
“Maybe if a certain someone didn’t lose a map we wouldn’t be in this situation at all.”
Kenny squirms further down into his sleeping bag and Craig leaves him alone.
“HELLOOOOO? KENNY AND THAT ONE GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE STANNNN?” Someone shouted. Kenny could tell from the voice that it was, of course, Eric Cartman. “Shut up, Cartman! We’re not even supposed to be out here!” he heard Kyle say, not as loud as Cartman, but just as audible.
Kenny took that as a wake-up call, and tossed on his jacket, slipping out of his sleeping bag.
Pushing through the layers of the tent door, Kenny breathed fresh air. “Hey, you left your hat in there,” Kenny said to Craig, who was stuffing his stuff into his bag. Craig nodded and went back into the tent.
Kenny could spot a few figures in the distance and shouted:
“HEY GUYS, WE’RE OVER HERE! WALK A LITTLE FURTHER AHEAD, THEN TOWARDS THE LEFT!”
“OKAYYYY! WE’RE COMING!”
---
“Dude, where were you guys? We looked all over for you on the trail, but there was nothing. Garrison was SO mad when we told him we lost you guys. What even happened?” Stan asked.
Craig peeked his head out from inside the tent. “Kenny lost the map,” he said, and ducked his head back in.
“Of course you did, the campsite isn’t even that far from here, a 20-minute walk or so. That tent’s so small, how’d both of you even fit?” Kyle said.
“Bet they were sleeping on top of each other, that’s why my tent is better!” Cartman butted in, although they all ignored him.
“Okay, let’s help Kenny pack up, and then head back, they’re gonna start breakfast soon.”
---
After packing everything up, the five walked back to the campsite, where they were met by Butters. “Oh, hey, Fellas! You found Kenny! You’re just in time for breakfast, c’mon!” Walking over to the picnic tables, they could see everyone talking and eating.
“Sausages and overcooked eggs? Seriously Chef?” Cartman said, picking up a tray.
“Oh be quiet, we all know your fatass is gonna eat it all.” Kyle said as Cartman was already piling the eggs on his plate.
“Maybe the holocaust wasn’t so bad…” Cartman mumbled.
“Woah lil’ cracker, that’s a little too far,” Chef said, dropping milks into their trays.
“Say that one more time Cartman, and I’ll kick your ass again. You’re lucky Mr. Garrison’s right there.” Kyle said through gritted teeth.
After getting all their food, they all sat down together, Tolkien and Clyde already sat.
“Hey, guys, where were you? We didn’t see you after we got off the bus.” Tolkien said, stabbing his eggs with his fork.
“Oh, we got lost because Kenny couldn’t keep track of the map. Had to set up a tent in the pouring rain, dude.” Craig said, waving his hand around for dramatic effect.
“Heh, and how was that?” Said Clyde, a kid who had that same nasal-drenched sort of voice that Craig did, although the two were so different it was funny.
“Peachy... We had a 5-course meal and plentyyy of space.” Craig said, in his ‘I can’t possibly get more sarcastic than this’ voice.
Kenny spaced out, playing with the food on his plate. He subconsciously arranged his cut-up pieces of sausage into a penis shape.
Kyle, who sat next to Kenny, elbowed him in the ribs. “Dude, stop making your food into penises and eat, we’ve gotta go hiking after this.”
“You’re such a shithead Kyle, let Kenny make penises if he wants!” Cartman interrupted, bits of bacon and spit flying everywhere as he spoke.
“How much longer ‘til we leave?” Kenny asked, finally picking up a piece of sausage, popping it into his mouth and chewing begrudgingly.
“Uhh, we leave Sunday morning, at around 10 or 11, we’ll be home by 12, maybe. So.. that’s a day and a half? We’re just packing up on Sunday, nothing much.”
After everyone finished up and ate, it was on a hike they went.
--
“Hoo… wow, how long have we walked? Feels like forevaaa,”
“Cartman, it’s been less than thirty minutes, how are you THIS tired?
The two kept bickering. This went on for another hour and a half or so until they had reached a resting point where there was a few picnic tables, although they looked a few hundred years old and really dirty. Mr. Garrison told everyone to get out their lunches, and they all sat. Lots of chatter and girls giggling.
Kenny, who didn’t pack anything, sat down with the guys, propping his elbows up on the table and resting his face on his hands.
“Kenny, you not eating anything?” Stan asked, biting into his sandwich.
“No, not hungry,” Kenny said, staring blankly at a tree nearby.
Stan frowned, he knew that was a lie. He tore off a piece of his sandwich, offering it to Kenny. He then elbowed Kyle in the ribs. “Give him your apple slices,”
“Ow, uh, okay.” Kyle slid his apple slices that were packed in a little container over to Kenny.
“Thanks, dude,” Kenny smiled, even though they probably couldn’t tell, considering he still had his hood over his head. It was the thought that counts, right?
Finishing up, everyone packed up, and Mr. Garrison forced them to do a trash cleanup when he found a piece of chewed gum on his bench and blamed them. Bored out of his mind, Kenny kicked up some tree roots. It wasn’t until he heard Kyle calling for him and realizing that everyone was way ahead of him that he got back with the group.
“You need to stop spacing out. I know we just ate, but do you want some trail mix or something? Maybe the cranberries improve brain health or something.” Kyle said, digging into his bag.
“Uhhh..”
Kyle handed Kenny the trail mix. Sure, he wasn’t hungry, but he’d eat it.
By the time they arrived at the “stargazing” __cpLocation, which was just a few cheap telescopes that had probably molded over, it was still 4 in the afternoon.
So, what did they do? Nothing. They just sat there because Mr. Garrison was terrible at planning. For the next 3 hours, they just sat around.
At first, they started playing tag or whatever, but that got shut down after Clyde tripped over a rock and started crying. So, they were now banned from even getting up, so they just sat around and chatted, which quickly died out because what was there to talk about? How they really needed to piss but the only bathroom nearby was at least a few miles away?
The only people who were still talking after a few minutes were the girls, who couldn’t seem to stop flapping their gums.
“What do you think about that new purse that just came out? I think the color’s pretty but the flower patterns are so ugly!”
“Oh yeah, the purple is so pretty, but those flowers are NOT it.”
“I liked that crocodile leather bag, it would go really well with a full leather outfit.”
“Red, that bag was SO ugly.”
“I liked it! Who cares?”
Blah Blah Blah.
Fortunately, it got dark pretty quickly, and they started seeing a few stars. Everyone flocked to the telescopes, trying to get a look first.
“Hey! I don’t see anything,” Stan said, peering through the lens.
“Move, Hippie! I wanna see!” Cartman said, pushing Stan aside and hogging the telescope.
“Hayy, I really can’t see anything!”
“I mean, I told you but you just HAD to push me.”
“This is why you and Kyle are a bunch of hippies, and why Kenny’s my best friend!”
Snorting, Kenny also lined up to get a look into the telescopes.
“Guys, the cover’s still on the telescope.”
---
After maybe half an hour, everyone eventually got a turn, although most of them didn’t know how to look into the telescope correctly. Mr. Garrison gathered them all up, telling them to hold hands with their partners, so he could get a headcount.
“One, two, three, four, five-- CRAIG! KENNY! GET IN LINE, HOLD HANDS AND HOLD ‘EM UP! Okay, six. That’s 6 pairs, 12 children…” Garrison said, stopping to think for a second. “Yeah, that’s about right… anyone missing a buddy?”
Crickets.
“Okay, off we go then. Come on, don’t get lost now.” Mr. Garrison said, moving along as they all followed.
Another two hours they go, I guess.
---
FINALLY, arriving at their campsite, everyone started to either head to their tents or to the picnic tables to eat something.
“Hey, Kenny. Are we still gonna have to share a tent? Go ask Garrison or something.” Craig said, nodding over to Mr. Garrison who was struggling to start a fire although there was no need for one.
“Probably not? I can always just share with Stan and Kyle. Maybe Cartman if I’m desperate.” Kenny said.
Craig gave him a thumbs up. “Okay, yeah, sure. I’m gonna go eat something then to the bathroom to wash up. If I’m not in my tent I’m probably in Clyde’s or Tolkien's. Just let me know if you’re still tenting with me, ‘kay?”
Kenny nodded, and Craig walked off to the picnic tables, where a group of kids had already gathered.
Was he hungry? Maybe? Was he really? No.
Spotting Stan, Kyle, and Butters, he decided food could wait.
“Hey, where’s Cartman?” Kenny asked when he approached.
“Oh, Eric went to go eat!” Butters said, somehow cheerful. “What about you? We haven’t eaten yet but we’re gonna go together soon! Wanna come?”
“Sure, what’re we having?” Kenny asked, mainly just to have something to keep himself occupied
“Salisbury steak with mashed potatoes and gravy. That’s what they said but I dunno. It’s still pretty early, you guys wanna do anything before or after we eat?” Stan said, checking his Spiderman watch.
“Yeah, we should go somewhere. Without getting lost.” Kyle said, looking at Kenny.
Kenny shrugged, “Sure, but won’t Craig have to come with? I’m gonna get into a shit ton of trouble if Garrison finds out I went somewhere without my ‘buddy’.”
“You’re right, but just ditch him, dude, Craig probably doesn’t even wanna come,” Stan said.
“Hey, you’re not gonna be the one getting suspended, so I don’t think you get a say in this,” Kenny said. “Anyways, I’ll go ask, if he doesn’t wanna go then I’ll just go without him. He’s over by the tables, I’ll ask and then we can also go grab a bite,”
Everyone seemed okay with the idea, so they went over to the tables, where the crowd had thinned out a bit.
“You guys go ahead and go eat, I’ll be right behind y’all,” Kenny said, gesturing to Craig, who was sitting at one of the tables talking to Clyde.
“Dude, I swear, Bebe was looking at me, she literally wants me BAD.” Clyde said, exasperated, most likely having spent his last 10 minutes trying to convince Craig that Bebe was madly in love with him.
“If you dream hard enough maybe it’ll come true, heh.” Craig snickered.
Kenny tapped Craig on the shoulder, and Craig craned his neck around to see who was behind him.
“What?”
“It’s early, and I wanna hang out with my new best friend, that’s all! Nothing at all, the usual, right!” Kenny joked, receiving an unamused look from Craig.
Craig sighed. “Cut the crap, what’s up?”
“Dunno, honestly. We were planning on going somewhere or just messing around in the campsite before bed. If we go somewhere I need you to come with or I’m gonna get a suspension. Also, you probably would too, fyi.”
Craig raised his eyebrows. “Are you looking out for me or are you blackmailing me? It seems like the latter.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t do such a thing, I was just walking around and happened to stumble across you and your…” Kenny glanced at Clyde, who was poking at his half-eaten steak (that hardly looked like real meat) with a bent fork, staring at them idly. “Uh, charming friend. So, whaddya say?”
Glancing at Clyde, who shrugged and was now shoving mashed potatoes into his mouth, Craig sighed. “‘Kay.”
Kenny gave the two a thumbs up and walked off, grabbing a plastic tray and lining up with the guys.
“Hey children! Eric’s not with you all?” Chef said, loading their trays.
“Wasn’t he here already Chef?” Stan asked, grabbing a milk.
A shrug and a headshake. “Nah, hasn’t been here yet. Maybe he’s in the bathroom or something.”
The four exchange knowing looks, except maybe Butters. He looks like he’s stuck in Lala land. There are two things Cartman could be doing. One, planning some nasty plan to find a way to get them all killed, or two, he’s having diarrhea in the toilets. Either way, he’s not touching those toilets even if it means he’d shit his pants.