Work Text:
Amanda’s been feeling this way for a while now. It’s been a slow and agonizing realization but lately, she’s been feeling really left out. She’s usually very in the loop with the Smosh cast, but to her at least, she feels like something happened in the time filming for these past videos.
She’s not entirely sure what, but it’s had her feeling lonely, and alienated from everyone else. She surmises this could all very much just be something she made up in her head, but that doesn’t stop it from hurting so much.
Amanda sits between Shayne and Courtney; they’re joined by Angela, Tommy, and Chanse who sit on the opposite side of the Board AF games table. They’re just about finished wrapping up for their newest video “Wavelength” and Amanda feels just about ready to cry at that very moment.
She’s very overwhelmed and tired from smiling the entire time. She just wants to find a quiet corner, sit there, and cry.
The rest of the group are all conversing in contented idle chatter, sans Amanda, who normally would’ve easily participated with her coworkers, but not today. As the friend group continues discussing amongst each other about their plans after the shoot and for the weekend, Amanda finds herself getting up and walking out.
No one really takes notice, sometimes the cast members leave to use the restroom when they’ve cut for filming, but they’re practically done with this shoot. The only reason the cast remained at the table was because they were enjoying each other’s company.
By the time they’re officially let out from filming, everyone has dispersed to either get food or for some other work matter, and Amanda is still gone. Only Angela briefly looks around and asks Courtney about her whereabouts. The blonde shrugs and suggests she probably had to use the restroom, Angela agrees, and leaves the matter at that.
Amanda intakes a deep inhale, and slowly exhales a shaky breath, as she sits on the toilet seat in the restroom of the gender neutral bathroom.
She knows everyone goes to cry in there but she just needs to breathe. Amanda still has a long day of shooting and as good as it would feel to cry right now, it’s not something she wants to bring to work. She just has to hold on a little bit longer and keep her walls standing up and strong.
She sits there for a while and just tries to get her breathing under control. It’s hard when she feels completely out of control with her mind and emotions at the moment.
Amanda thinks back on the moments earlier during their filming; how upset she felt when she wasn’t bringing in points for her team, and how jealous she felt when Angela and Courtney were getting on wonderfully throughout the shoot.
She still had good moments with both the women but recently, it feels like the girl’s are moving closer in their relationship and Amanda’s getting left behind. She was always close with both women, she is close with both of them. Then why does it feel like she’s watching from the outside, while everyone moves on with their life on the inside?
She hates feeling this way. It’s ugly and feels childish of her to even consider that her friends are becoming closer without her. Yet, there’s this betraying ugliness that rears its fangs in the back of her mind.
Both women have been in more videos together without her, hung out more outside of work, and interact more on social media than she does with them. Why wouldn’t they be closer?
Amanda tries to convince herself that if this is the case, then it’s alright. Angela has friends outside of Smosh she’s closer to than with anyone at work, Amanda does too.
Still, that ugly feeling itches her mind with awful thoughts. Thoughts of Amanda being unwanted, Angela moving on from their friendship, and ultimately both women going their separate ways.
Amanda tries to shake these negative thoughts away. She’s spiraling. Angela would never do that to her, none of her friends would. She knows this but still, Amanda feels this guilt of not being enough for Angela.
Amanda feels Angela slowly slipping away from her as the videos go on, and this thought alone terrifies her. Amanda values her friendship with people more than anything in her life, the last person she’d ever want to lose would be Angela.
Not after all the memories they’ve made and ones she wants to continue making in the future. Maybe if Amanda talked to her more, and attempted to put more effort into their friendship, Angela would stay.
A thought suddenly hits her, why was she honing in so badly on her friendship with Angela?
It’s true her friendship means the world to her, but Amanda should not be focusing on this one person because she’s been feeling isolated from the rest of the cast. She has lots of friends at work and outside of Smosh.
So why was she so desperately trying to hold on to this one?
A rap on the door abruptly takes Amanda out of the deluge of negative thoughts that are engulfing her.
“Amanda, you in there?” A voice she recognizes as Tommy.
She tries to subtly clear her throat, and manage to maintain a voice of normalcy.
“Yeah, hon, I’m in here,” she answers back.
“Okay, well, me and Chanse were thinking about driving down the street to this small place for breakfast if you wanted to join? They forgot to restock the oatmeal and muffins in the kitchen, so we’re going to get a little pick me up if you wanted to come?”
She scoffs a bit at this, “Jeez, again?”
She can hear Tommy laugh from outside the door. “Yeah, we’ve been low on crew lately, and I guess it just kept getting pushed back on the list of priorities.” He can’t see her, but Amanda nods her head in understanding.
“Don’t worry, though, Shayne and Courtney are floating somewhere around the office to help with it, but they should be finished soon,” Tommy says. Amanda begins to fix her hair and face. “Okay, well, thank you for the offer but I think I’m alright, I’ll probably just make myself a coffee and look at some sketch work, if that’s alright?”
“That’s fine babe,” Tommy replies, “Whatever you want. We’ll be back, alright?”
“Okay, see you soon,” Amanda replies back.
She can hear Tommy’s footsteps growing faint as he departs.
Amanda releases a deep sigh, and scrubs up at her cheeks, as she slumps on the toilet seat. She tries to mentally prepare herself for the arduous interactions in the foreseeable day and groans a bit at her tasks. She closes her eyes with her head hung back on the seat, as she subconsciously combs her fingers through her hair.
Let’s just get through this, she finally thinks to herself.
The Smosh office is pretty empty right now. It is the morning, but most of the crew are either in their offices doing work or set up in a meeting to discuss future work events. She could go look for Shayne and Courtney, but Amanda isn’t really in the mood to socialize again at the moment. And under no circumstances, does she want to see Angela right now.
She’s still feeling pretty bad, and seeing Angela in her current state would only send her over the edge. For that reason, Amanda wills herself to be professional more than ever, she’s at work right now, and she can’t let these futile emotions get in the way of doing her job. If there’s anything Amanda has learned during her time working in restaurants, it’s how to mask her emotions.
Amanda walks to the dining area across from the kitchen and thinks about how it feels like forever since she’s been in the office, despite it only being less than a week, and she feels a bit disheartened at feeling left out again. Amanda makes her way to the tables and considers either making herself a coffee, or getting started on some work right away. She isn’t given much time to think about her choices though, as she notices a figure approaching her from the side.
She warily looks in the direction of it, dreading any interaction as of right now, and feels panic surge through her nerves to see it’s Angela. The short brunette woman wears a small smile on her face and waves as she makes her way over to Amanda. The tall woman’s breath hitches in her throat, and it feels like her heart stops in place.
Angela was the one person Amanda wanted to avoid seeing for the rest of the day more than anything. She didn’t want anyone to see her like this, but especially not Angela.
Amanda looks away briefly, and takes another deep inhale as she starts to will the turbulent emotions that surf harshly in her mind away. She attempts to lock them in a cage behind metal bars, where no one can ever find the enclosure, and or attempt to take a peek at the tormenting emotions that invade her mind.
It’s just like working at the restaurants, she begins to tell herself. Just smile and hold a pleasant conversation with them till it’s over. She starts reciting niceties and plain platitudes in her head, begins to amp herself up to interact and put on the façade of excitement; but all that dissipates the moment Angela approaches her, looking up at Amanda with those kind brown eyes.
Amanda felt she could fall in the warmness of them.
She immediately caves.
In a moment, the barrier over her mind and heart she had so tirelessly tried to put up comes crashing down effortlessly. Already, tears start to prick her eyes and a deep frown forms on her face.
Instantly, Angela’s kind expression changes to a sympathetic one. She wordlessly moves to a seat at a table and then pats the chair beside her, motioning for Amanda to take the seat next to her. Amanda walks to the seat next to Angela and sits down. Her lip quivering and eyes shut tight. She feels that if she were to look at Angela now she’d burst.
Angela doesn’t say anything, only places her hand to the side of Amanda’s face and moves her head down to lay on her shoulder. “Shhh,” Angela soothes, gently rubbing Amanda’s head with her thumb. “It’s okay, tell me what’s wrong.”
Amanda can’t hold back anymore, she sobs and lets her hot tears fall on Angela’s shoulder now, her breathing shaky and uneven, racked with pent up distress and anxiety. Angela pats the side of her head gently and let’s Amanda cry herself out, giving soothing rubs in reassurance.
Amanda concedes to the emotions of sadness that she had tried to persistently lock away. She was usually so good at bottling up her emotions, keeping everything inside and holding up the appearance of happiness for the sake of others, especially when it came to work.
But with Angela, Amanda found she could never win the fight of will. Not when the warmness of her looked so inviting, or that betraying smile of hers that would make anyone melt on sight.
How could anyone win a fight of will, when their opponent was Angela? Amanda sure as hell couldn’t, and she didn’t want to. Amanda enjoyed allowing herself to be enveloped in the solace of Angela, and reveled in the way her touches would burn her skin so beautifully. She wanted to be cared for and doted on, and Angela would never turn a blind eye to a friend in need, especially if that person is Amanda.
Slowly, Amanda’s crying quiets and she finds herself able to breathe more evenly now. She lifts her head from the shorter girl's shoulder and sniffles as she wipes at her wet eyes. Angela's gaze fixes up at her and she speaks softly, “Now, can you tell me what’s wrong?”
Amanda looks down, averting her gaze from the shorter woman. She speaks in a choked wet voice, “It’s not that big of deal,” she laughs affably, sniffling and wiping at her damp eyes and nose. Angela frowns, doubting that whatever has Amanda this upset is not something that isn’t a big deal. Angela puts her hand on Amanda’s leg, rubbing her thumb over her thigh in support. “Amanda,” she says almost sternly, “Come on, it’s me, what’s wrong?”
It’s hard to put her walls back up when they lay on the ground in fragments now. There’s no use trying to fix it, so Amanda doesn’t.
She sighs deeply, “Look, it’s kind of dumb alright, but I’ve just-“ she stumbles. She can’t really find the words, doesn’t really know how to. Angela waits patiently as Amanda trips over her sentences and attempts to sound coherent, but fails miserably.
Amanda closes her eyes and stops, taking a deep breath in and out. She opens them and glances between Angela and the floor. She starts again, fixing the hair out of her face in the process, “Honestly? I don’t really know. I’ve just been feeling kind of bad lately and maybe jealous?” Angela's brows furrow at this. “Jealous? About what?”
Amanda rubs at her own cheek with her finger, feeling embarrassed. “I don’t know just- everything I guess!” she says exasperated. “I feel like everyone has been called in for shoots except me this week. I feel bad when we’re playing games and I’m sucking at everything! And, lately, it feels like I’m not even apart of some the inside jokes we have like I thought I was,'' she says frustrated and sad.
Angela listens patiently and lets Amanda continue to rant. “And sometimes, I feel like even we're not as close as we used to be. Sometimes, it feels like Courtney knows you better than me, and if she does, that’s okay! I know I shouldn’t be bothered, but I am!” Her voice has raised a bit at this point, but Angela doesn’t interrupt her.
“I guess I’m just… feeling a little left out, and lonely,” Amanda finally stops and slumps in her seat. Angela removes her hand from Amanda’s leg to her shoulder. Rubbing evenly between her shoulder blade with her thumb.
“It’s silly I know,” Amanda says, wiping at her eye with her palm. She thinks that her makeup must look horrible right now, and feels embarrassed at the tousled state Angela has found her in.
“It’s not silly Amanda,” Angela finally says. “You’re completely valid in feeling that way. Hell, I mean, even I feel left out when you’re having fun with Chanse or Shayne. I always want to be around you guys.” Amanda looks at Angela and gives her a small weary smile. “I always want to be around you too, Ang,” Amanda says with a wet crack in her voice.
Angela gives her an affectionate expression, but changes to a more earnest one.
“Stop that,” Angela says evenly.
“Stop what?” Amanda says, giving her a small cheeky smile. It makes Angela smile but she’s determined to make Amanda feel better, not the other way around.
“Stop trying to play caretaker all the time. It’s okay to depend on others too, Amanda. I know we’re at work but we’re also friends too, right?”
Amanda drops the smile. She feels so guilty being this vulnerable with Angela, but she doesn’t want to be dishonest with her either.
“Yes, of course we are, but it’s not fair to dump all this on you, or anyone! I should know how to handle my own shit and not bring it to work. It’s not fair to you guys!” She says, dejected, her lip feeling wobbly again.
Amanda feels silly for thinking and feeling this way, like a petulant child who doesn’t know how to process their own emotions and just say that they missed their mom, instead of throwing a fit about it. What kind of friend is she? Dumping all this on someone so dear to her, for the sake of herself feeling better? It feels unkind.
Angela’s face turns determined in that moment, and she swiftly hugs Amanda. Amanda tries to stay strong in response, but Angela’s hold is stronger on her heart. Tears spill from her eyes again and she repositions them to hug Angela closer, and tighter.
“I’m sorry,” she says, voice broken in a sob.
“Stop apologizing, it’s okay,” Angela affirms. “You’re not a burden Amanda, you’re my friend. We all love you here. And you can always come to me for anything, at anytime, okay?” Amanda can only sniffle in response, as Angela rubs her back to soothe her woes.
“You want to rant to me about work being exhausting? I’ll be there. You want to talk to me about somebody who cut you off on the road? I’ll be there. You need to come cry to me about your favorite TV show being cancelled? I’ll be there.” Amanda softly laughs at the last sentiment. Angela smiles in response, still hugging the taller woman tightly. She can’t see her, but she knows Amanda’s smiling now.
“I know how hard it is to let others care for you, trust me, I still struggle to tell you guys when I’m feeling down.” She removes her arms from Amanda to look the taller brunette in the eyes. “But I also know you guys would be upset if I didn’t tell you when I’m feeling shitty. So, please, don’t feel like you can’t come to me, or any of our friends about your troubles, okay?” Angela pulls away from her now and Amanda looks down at her with a wobbly smile, touched by her words.
“Okay,” she says sniffling and wiping at her eyes again. Trying to gain back some composure but it’s of no use. She’s lost it all, and bared herself to Angela, but if it’s Angela, then she supposes it’ll be okay.
“Thank you, Ang, I really mean it. Your support means the world to me.” Her voice is small and broken. Angela muses that Amanda looks like a small child in this moment, one who’s been scolded and learning her lesson now.
It’s the most vulnerable, and adorable, Amanda has ever looked to her. Angela hugs her again, tightly. Amanda easily reciprocates, as she wraps her arms around the shorter woman. Resting her face in the crook of Angela’s neck.
The women sway softly together. “Of course ‘Manda, anything for you,” Angela croons to her as she rubs small circles on her back.
The woman separate from the embrace. “God, what a way to celebrate a birthday, right?” Amanda tries to lighten the mood as she wipes at her face.
“Barely turning thirty-six and already I’m a mess,” she laughs as she adjusts her shirt. Angela smiles, “I’m sure we’ve all had those sucky birthdays where sometimes, you just need to let out a good cry.” Amanda nods in agreement. “That’s true, but I didn’t expect today would be one of them.”
Amanda gets up from the chair and stretches. She does feel a lot better after getting that off her chest, those emotions have been weighing her down for a while now, and it feels good to be able to breathe more easily now. Angela gets up as well and Amanda turns to her. “Thank you again Angela, I’m really lucky to have a friend like you to listen to me about my dumb worries,” Amanda states, sincere.
Angela gives her a sanguine smile in response. “Anytime Amanda, and they’re not dumb, but even if they are, I never mind if it means I get to help you feel better.” Amanda gives her a sweet and warm expression. She has the deep inclination to hug her again, but thinks better of it for fear of tiring the other woman of her physical affection. However, Angela seems to have already read her mind at that moment. She grasps onto Amanda instantly, and Amanda immediately envelopes her in the embrace, with a fond warmness and tight hold. Amanda gives the best hugs, and Angela could never find herself tired from them.
The women separate again, for what feels like the one-hundredth time, and share a laugh between them. Amanda has never felt so comfortable around someone before, and she feels eternally grateful for that person to be Angela. One of her best and most understanding friends.
Amanda walks to pick up her stuff from the table, as Angela makes her way for the kitchen. “Come on, I’ll make us some coffee and then you can get ready for the next shoot today, sound good?” Angela asks from the doorway of the small kitchen. “Sounds perfect.” Amanda responds with a grateful smile on her face.
A cacophony of voices sings in the air. “Happy birthday, dear Amanda!!”
Angela is waving a lighter up to Amanda, her bright smile and laughter instantly cutting through the abundance of noise to Amanda.
“What’s happening?!” Amanda exclaims surprised and in shock, her hand motioning to Angela who sings her “Happy Birthday”, as she tries to get Amanda to blow out the flame. Amanda records the event on her phone and pans the camera to the Smosh cast and crew who sit at the tables inside of the building, everyone cheering and singing her “Happy Birthday”. Her camera pans back to Angela who’s excited expression cannot be masked as she yells for Amanda to blow out the flame.
Everyone roars into cheers and claps as they scream “Yay!!” She ends the video and Amanda blows out the flame. She’s overwhelmed with excitement and happiness. Angela launches at Amanda in that moment, making everyone cheer and clap louder. Amanda hugs her back ferociously and with immense gratitude.
“Honey, you did all this for me?” Amanda asks in disbelief.
“Duh, of course!! You can’t expect me to just let you sulk and be sad all day, especially not on your birthday,” Angela responds ironically, like it’s the most obvious choice of action anyone would do. Amanda smiles big and tries not to tear up at this. She’s been on a roller coaster of emotions today, and enjoying a good time with her friends sounds just like the perfect outlet she needs to move on from her shitty day.
She hugs Angela tighter in that moment, and nestles her chin over her head, Angela nuzzles her chest in response, and the two get a few “Awwes” from the crowd they forgot were there watching them in the first place. The women release from each other’s hold and make their way to the tables of the many cast and crew, greeting them and exchanging excited banter.
They sure have been doing a lot of hugging today, Amanda thinks to herself, but there’s no one else she’d rather embrace than Angela. Amanda thinks it’s crazy how Angela is the only person to make her spiral into a flurry of confusing emotions for one moment, and then in the next, have the ability to lift her spirits up instantaneously.
She treasures her more than she’ll ever know.