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September 11, 1813
Dear Diary,
It’s me, Eloise Bridgerton. I had a conversation with my older sister today, Daphne and she told me that I should write my thoughts if I ever feel as if my world is crumbling and the responsibilities squishing me with all the chaos around me. You probably think that this is a moment because it is my first time to ever write something like this. To be quite frank, I feel like a stupid person for writing a journal or a diary like this.
I remember laughing at the idea with my sister because how could I be so… normal for writing the word ‘Dear Diary’ on a blank sheet of paper. A part of me wants to burn this afterwards but I could not for some reason. For now, I shall call you for what you are but in the event that an inspiration comes by in my life, I might have to rename you.
Regardless, this is just a practice round. It rained today, It was the first time that my mother, had me join a party that my sister, the duchess created. It was so boring to be frank. All I want is to just curl up in my room and read. I’ll try again to write another entry for this but I can’t promise how frequent this will be.
Regards,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
December 25, 1813
Dear Diary,
I told you I will not promise how frequent I shall be writing to you. Christmas is here however, the feeling of being merry and celebrative is not in my spirit. Probably because of the fact that my mother just announced with the entire family that I shall be joining the next year’s debutant.
I am feeling quite a mixture of fury, anger, anxiety and somehow… sadness. I could not even catch a break with all that is happening with me. Last time, I was the girl who almost unmasked lady whistledown but now, I am just a girl to be auctioned off like a cow in front of men and mamas. My own family, not seeing my own true feelings and wants in life. I feel as if I am just a character forced to be part of a play that I never even want to be a part of in the beginning.
I pray that the years next will be kind to me. Fate has never been such a good friend with me. The only person in my life right now that could see the true me is my brother, Benedict. I just hope that everything will go alright next season. I don’t want to marry, diary. I… don’t want to be married and silent. I would rather be a spinster my entire life instead of this fate. I would bet my life that my own mother will laugh with all these thoughts which is why I shall do my best to have this journal or diary a secret between you and I. I would rather die than to have someone read this. No one must read this unless it is me.
Afraid of the future,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
March 19, 1814
Dear Diary,
Today was both a blessing and a curse.
It started as a curse when I had to present myself in front of the Queen and the whole Ton in this ugly white dress with a feather in my head. I look like a chicken to be sacrificed in a ritual. Might as well have it like that because of how it happened.
However, God has given me a blessing earlier this afternoon.
It was lady whistledown! She wrote another column that made the entire session cut short that it was intended. I did not walk like Daphne in her first season who just gave birth by the way and is now a mother. Can you believe it? I am now an Aunt, Diary. I could not believe it myself but here I am.
If you ask me if I want to birth a child in this world, to be quite honest, I do not want it. I could not see myself being a mother for now. I want to do things in the future and explore. Well, I would do my best to make it happen. What would it be like if I just took some money and ran far away from my family? Will I survive?
Just barely living,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
March 24, 1814
Dear Diary,
Can I ask a question to you? Do I look as if I am a interested in hearing the ton’s hot gossip? Do I look as if I am like the other women in my part of the village as someone who prefers to hear news about marriages or spewing lies to other women?
I met someone today. In my pursuit of unmasking lady whistledown, I met a printer’s apprentice with my footman this morning. It was annoying, diary. I find his… smile--- No! Smirk quite annoying. I hated the way he made me feel.
However, this man gave me pamphlet and it was quite a good read. I read it afterwards and a part of me wanted to thank him for giving it. It talks about equality of genders which is a topic that is so fascinating for me. A part of me wants to see the assembly that will happen soon. During that time, I will show that apprentice with his annoying smile that I care about important topics. I shall show him that and rub that smirk off his face.
I might put my mission to unmask lady whistledown aside for now as I am really curious about this person.
Theo Sharpe…
I shall meet him soon and show him how different I am to other ladies in the ton. He will curse the day that he said those things to me.
Excite somehow for the future,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
April 2, 1814
Dear Diary,
Today was just a day.
However, it felt as if something shifted inside of me. I felt this vigor to life when I first attended the assembly which talked about the various topics that I am truly happy to hear and participate it. Of course, I somehow ran away from my family today but it was worth it.
The assembly was amazing! When I first entered the establishment, all I could feel was anxiety because I was alone but the moment, I heard a woman in front of the stage talking about the lack of rights as a woman and noticing him in the middle of the crowd… I could not help but smile.
Theo Sharpe was there in the assembly. We talked and at first I could feel him panicking because he recognized me as the woman who asked him about lady Whistledown. However, I was not there for her but for me, diary. I was there for me, Eloise Bridgerton. It was the second meeting with this man and yet, I could not help but feel quite… happy? Is that the right term, diary? How could I be happy to talk or see a man like him?
I am probably happy because I am with likeminded men and woman. That is right! I am happy to be with the same people that has the same thoughts as me.
I can recall a moment, diary that I almost got loss in a conversation with Mr. Sharpe this afternoon. It was his annoying smile once more. How can you ever feel as if you just wanted to remove that smile off his face because your insides are turning mush and your mind, slowly wearing off during the middle of a conversation?
Regardless, I maybe judged Mr. Sharpe harshly because he heard about my thoughts about his article. He listened and for the first time in my life, someone listened with my thoughts outside of my family. I could tell that he was interested in my ideas and that was much appreciated from my end. I shall go ahead and see him again soon.
What am I writing, Diary? This is totally unbecoming of me. I just hope that no one would see or read this aside myself or else, I could just be eaten by the Earth if that happens.
Confused with my feelings,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
April 4, 1814
Dear Diary,
I met Mr. Sharpe earlier today again.
It was amazing as we conversed about the topics that I wanted to discuss with someone. It was a bit early and I saw him organizing the deliveries in their small printshop but he still talked to me. It was amazing to talk to someone who respects your ideas.
All I could remember is talking about this with Colin and Penelope but they asked me to push all of these aside and just keep it to myself. How frustrating that can be? It is as if they are pushing my true self away just because of all these blasted rules in the Ton. However, whenever I am with Theo--- Mr. Sharpe, all these thoughts go away and I could just be me.
It is truly freeing to be just me, Diary!
How marvelous it feels to be able to convey your thoughts without judgement and you could feel that the one you are conversing with is respecting your ideas and communicate with you as well. I feel an understanding with this man that I never felt with someone else.
I never felt as if I am a footnote in a boring story of my life whenever I am with him. I promise to myself that I shall see him once more.
Happy to find a friend,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
April 8, 1814
Dear Diary,
It has been a wild day today.
It is the first time I ran away to meet someone. Although it’s my brother’s wedding but how could I care if my feelings or thoughts are preoccupied because of him.
Theo or Mr. Sharpe has been a plaque in my mind ever since the past few days because all I ever want now is to go and meet him. I wanted to talk to him and just let him know that every time I read or doing anything, to be quite frank, I think of him.
I wonder what would be his thoughts or even how would he react for everything that I see in the day. This must be a parasite in my brain which is why, I could not help myself and just ran towards him. I went and met him today. I poured my thoughts to him however it may be clumsy of me to convey it but it worked. It seems that he thinks of me the same.
For the first time in my life, I felt something tug in my chest when I felt his fingertips with my own when he handed me these plethora of books that I shall be reading soon. I have received flowers from suitors recently but they never made me feel like this. They never made me feel as if my heart is going to burst and my head going to explode just because of books! How crazy is that?
Am I being crazy for thinking or feeling this way? Is this love? Am I falling for this man?
Curses! I remember my sister telling me that soon I shall know how love feels like and is this it? Am I falling for a guy beneath my station who handed me books just to hear my thoughts in them?
Crazy and confused,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
April 9, 1814
Dear Diary,
I am in deep trouble…
The queen suspects me for being Lady Whistledown. I was about to meet Theo today but it seems that fate has different plans. I am in need of help. It is a good thing that I have Penelope on my side. I needed her for being my friend today and I need to think of a plan to save my family and me from ruin and Theo… I need to help him.
I must think of something..
Afraid of tomorrow,
Eloise Bridgerton
April 11, 1814
___________________________
Dear Diary,
Theo--- Mr. Sharpe blames me.
We had a fight when I tried to clarify things with him this afternoon. All I wanted was to straighten out our story but it seems that with all the chaos that the queen left, our friendship or whatever that was is gone.
I could not help but feel angry for myself for being so silly with all these thoughts about him. I never wish to speak to him in the future. I guess I could just return back to normal since he clearly doesn’t want to talk to me as I might ruin his career.
I truly care about him…as a friend and nothing so I shall respect his wishes. However, a big part of me is angry for letting my guard around him be loose. I would just take everyday one step at a time.
Wish I could just be away from all of this,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
April 14, 1814
Dear Diary,
It was all a ruse! Theo Sharpe never wanted to end things with me but he wanted to protect me as well. It was all a lie just to make sure that Lady Whistledown would not grow suspicious. I am so happy, diary! I could not help it.
Although a part of me is still annoyed by his little deception but all I wanted is to continue this… friendship with him. Even if Penelope said that being with this man is dangerous as I could end up like Lady Mary but who cares?
This is just friendship. Two people with like minded thoughts who share each other’s opinion trying to unmask a masked gossiper. But is it really true, diary?
I have thoughts about him almost every day and every moment, all I want is to be with him and share everything about my life. He is the only person that makes me feel… these things. The moment he smiled this afternoon made my heart skip a beat. Is this love? Am I attracted to Mr. Sharpe? Is it bad for me to look at his lips when he is not looking and wonder what it would feel like on me.
This is a new and uncharted territory for me. I guess, I’ll just have to enjoy just talking to him. Tomorrow, we’ll talk once more. Let’s see what will happen by then.
Happy but confused,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
April 15, 1814
Dear Diary,
I guess all happy things will end at some point is true.
I ended things with Theo today. We were talking about lady whistledown and there was a brief of moment that we could have… kissed. However it never occurred. It was my fault, of course. I was too afraid.
Afraid of hurting him in the future. Afraid of hurting my family as well. I was just afraid of the future in general. For that I am miserable. I saw the hurt in his eyes when I said the words ‘This is absurd’. He must have thought that having a relationship with him would be an absurd idea but in the end, all I wanted was him. I was just… afraid.
I could still recall the way he said that I am not different than all the other ladies out there. It hurts me as I remember his words. Seeing him cry made my heart ache even more. If ever Penelope never said about rumors of me being with someone beneath my station, this would never have occurred. I would have finally experiencing kissing someone that I like. I would have never backed out. I never would have been such a coward and end up hurting him. All I wanted was him and yet, he was gone because of my actions.
I could never go back to that printshop again. I would never hurt him again for my actions.
I must not dare say it but… I regret it. I regret leaning away. I hate the fact that I am Eloise Bridgerton, a caged bird who can’t even kiss the man she likes or… loves?
Filled with misery,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
April 16, 1814
Dear Theo,
It seems that I was fooled.
I was fooled by my own best friend. Penelope is Lady Whistledown!
The moment she began to spew comments about rumors and scandals during the party that we attended last night, I finally learned it. We fought, naturally. She told me that I was jealous of her for being so great and that I could not stand it.
I yelled at her as well, if you are curious. I was angry at her for all the things that she did to my family and did to me. A part of me was hurt for her lies but the most detestable thing that she ever did to me was her lies which caused me to be broken apart with you. I know that you will never read this and somehow, I finally named my diary into you but this is my outlet for all the feelings that I could not release to my family.
Maybe if I never heard her lies, we would still talk. Maybe I am even here, plotting my tomorrow just to be with you.
Maybe we would have somehow kissed..
I just hate what happened between us and I miss you terribly. You are… well were my friend and for once in my life, a person such as you that became the only good thing in my life right now.
I am angry at her but at the same time, I pity her to be honest. Looking at the current situation, I pity myself even more. Here I am writing a diary entry, addressing it to someone that I miss so terribly.
Missing you terribly,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
June 21, 1814
Dear Theo,
It has been a while since I wrote an entry to this journal or diary.
Maybe, I am trying to dull myself with the daily activities that my mother wanted me to participate in. I am trying my best though to forget about you. There are good days and bad days. During bad days, I keep remembering you. I wonder if you are still in that simple printshop. I wonder if you think about me just the same as I do to you.
I regret ending my friendship with you. I was misled.
Maybe I should just enjoy talking to my brother, Benedict or have tea with the new Viscountess. Kate is wonderful. She is extremely intelligent and I could not help but wonder if I could still remain… me but at the same time be in love or be with someone. The way I look at Anthony and Kate made me feel jealous. I wonder about you most of the time during those moments.
I can’t help but miss you everyday.
Mad and jealous,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
August 8, 1814
Dear Theo,
My mother had a talk with my earlier this morning.
She wanted me to try once more and be more… present in the upcoming season once more. Mama wanted me to try and find love by getting to know these… men. However, she does not know that I have found one already but I know that she will never approve because the destroyed the friendship that I had with the man I love.
No one is going to read this so might as well be honest with my feelings.
We are going back to mayfair soon and a part of me wants to visit you. I wanted to come and make sure that you are alright. I am a selfish person but I wanted to do that. I know that I would not but my thoughts always wander and create situations of us being fine. I wonder what would happen if I visit you once I go back and you would see me and somehow, we will be alright.
However, I know that it would not happen.
For now, I shall prepare myself to the upcoming masquerade ball that my mother told me. I just hope that the event would not make me want to fall in to a cliff.
Thinking about you,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
September 11, 1814
Dear Theo,
I could not believe it! You were there!
It might be a dream because I am here in my room, writing this while the light from the candle flicker as I try to understand everything that has happened. You were there in the Masquerade Ball and we danced.
For the first time since a long time, I danced in front of everyone. You were there in your navy blue mask and that damn smile. At first, I thought I was dreaming because how could you be in the ball but you were there! The moment you spoke my name, I was… entranced.
I could not help but feel the butterflies in my stomach when you held my hand and walked me towards the middle of the room. I could feel the stare of the Ton and my mother as we danced together. I apologized for hurting you but you said that all was forgiven.
I was about to say that I missed you but you won me over it. The moment you said it, I could feel my heart skip a beat. That short dance made it feel as if I never wanted for it to end. I know that my mother and siblings would ask who you are but I know better. For now, I shall deny your existence but I know it was you.
The masked gentleman was you and I know that all will be good soon.
You know the funny thing is? My mother and brothers immediately asked for your identity. They told me that I was quite taken with you and you with me. They were glad and wondered who you were. Of course, I never dared to say your identity but mentioned that you were just someone I don’t know.
The truth is I know you even if you are in the middle of the crowd. My heart already knows you and it can never unknow you.
I can still remember the way you whispered to me to meet you once more and that you are waiting for me in the printshop. Of course, I will be there. How could I not? The person who I wanted to talk to is back to my life.
Sincerely yours,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
November 14, 1814
Dear Theo,
It has been months since we started to talk once more and I could not help myself to be such a happy person. Although my family is still pressuring me to find the masked man who I danced with back September but they don’t know is that I am meeting him every other day at a printshop.
During the past few weeks, I could not help but notice the way we look at one another. There were some moments that we were about to… take our friendship to the next level. However, it keeps being interrupted. I must be going crazy everytime you look at me as if I’m the only person in your world.
I’ve read romantic books and I could not help but want to experience it the same with you. I am probably going crazy. I think I need to muster up my all my courage and just do it. Just once, would it be selfish of me to just do it once? One time, all I need is just one kiss and it would be over and done.
Mad and tormented,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
November 22, 1814
Dear Theo,
It never happened just once.
I am a fool for thinking that kissing you, Theo Sharpe would just be a one time occurrence. I couldn’t even imagine the enormous times we have kissed. Since you were hurt before when you leaned in, it was my turn to face my feelings head on by kissing you for the first time last week.
Now, we kiss every time we are alone and during those moments, I could not help but feel like a hunger inside of me has stirred up. It’s funny because I never saw myself as someone who could just kiss a person and let myself be let loose.
Speaking of let loose, I could not help but recall the way your hands grab me in my waist or pin me in a wall. My god, I will certainly will forget my name and identity everytime you do that to me. Being with you like this in secret is like all those stories that I read in Franchesca’s books.
I should have known that your lips will be my undoing.
As I write this entry in my journal, I could not help but recall how soft your lips feel on me. The way I could feel your hunger for me and I to you. It is quite maddening that I will never forget.
Alas! Till our next meet so we could have our little ‘talk’ once more.
Hungry for some reason,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
December 29, 1814
Dear Theo,
It has been a week since Benedict found out about our relationship. It is a good thing that I am his favorite sister because he knows that I would never be in a relationship with someone that I never love.
Probably because he is attracted with Sophie which is why he understood me for falling for someone regardless of their status in life. The difference between him and I is that I am a woman and he is a man.
How frustrating that idea is, right?
How can I go back to my world knowing that I fell in love with you which is why I have been thinking of speaking to Kate and my mother. I should confess everything because if I want to fight for us, I must face it on. Never will I run away and be like the Eloise before. I can’t help but recall the fight between Penelope and I. I will show her that I know how to face my challenges.
We already had a conversation before about us running away and elope but for now, I shall try to face my family about it before we do it. If there is a chance that I could save my relationship with my family and being with you, I’ll do everything I can just to save both.
With newly found courage,
Eloise Bridgerton
___________________________
April 15, 1815
Dear Theo,
Tomorrow would be our wedding day.
I can’t believe that after all these trouble and hiding, I would be able to be marry for love. It is funny because at the start of Daphne’s season, I never saw myself as someone who will marry. I always believed that if I ever get married, I’ll be married and silent.
But with you, it will never be the case.
It’s funny how you told me that I can help you with the paper’s business. Tomorrow, we will not just be man and wife but partners in both crime and business. I always loved reading and with my thoughts, I can help you when you write and in the paper business since you already bought Mr. Harris’ shop.
Our future is truly filled with hope and light. I could see us being happy together. It is a good thing that my sister in laws helped me in convincing Anthony to wed you. To be honest, I can’t wait for tomorrow.
I must go to sleep now or else ruin my face in front of everyone.
Your bride to be,
Eloise Bridgerton – Sharpe?
___________________________
September 11, 1815
Dear Theo,
It has been months since we became one.
I am truly happy as I write in our table while looking over as you sleep soundly in our bed. Although seeing you naked as you release small huffs in your sleep is amusing, I can’t wait to tell you the news soon.
I was not sure if I could be like this since we have been making love like rabbits since our first night as husband and wife but here I am.
I am pregnant, Theo.
To be quite frank, I am both happy and afraid at the same time. I just know that I am happy since we are going to have a new family member. I will love him or her with all my heart and I know that you will do the same. These past months has been all but blissful. Our business is booming and somehow, I became a writer on my own. Although under an alias but still, I am happy that I am a writer and making a difference in this world.
My life is perfect the moment I met you, Theo.
I can already imagine you jumping for joy once you hear the news. You’ve been teasing me for quite some time since I’m being all moody that I might be pregnant. You are truly something for guessing it right.
I love you so much, Theo Sharpe. You are my husband and my everything.
Your wife,
Eloise Bridgerton – Sharpe
___________________________
December 25, 1815
Dear Theo,
It’s Christmas and this year will be our first Christmas as husband and wife. By next year, we will be a complete family since our newborn will be out in the world.
I could not help but feel emotional as I am truly happy to be in a perfect life with you. Even if I feel a bit faint as I progress my pregnancy, I am still happy. Penelope has been coming by to help me. Since both of us are pregnant at the same time and probably because I miss my friend dearly, we became friends once more.
My other siblings keep me company as well whenever you are at work. Although, I always say that I am alright and you can go ahead with your work, I must say that I miss you. When you are here, I always try to look as if I do not need help and while you are gone, it feels as if I’m useless and miss you terribly.
This is probably because I am pregnant. I daresay that this will be the last time that I will do this. Although, we both know that once I am fully healed, our… ‘talks’ will commence once more. I am a fool already for thinking that we will stop doing it after all else is done since lately, I’ve been wanting your touch every night.
Pregnant and crazy,
Eloise Brigderton – Sharpe
___________________________
May 1, 1816
Dear Theo,
I can feel that I shall soon birth our child.
To be honest, I feel some dread and fear as I will have to face child birth like what my mother did to all of us. I can’t help but recall how my mother scream my father’s name and yell in pain during Hyacinth’s birth. I wonder if I will do the same.
I had a talk with a midwife and my sisters, we both know that this will be hard. They say that whenever a woman gives birth, she is dancing between the realm of the living and the dead. I wonder if my fragile body will be able to survive it.
If not, I know that you must be reading this already but here goes my items that I wanted to discuss with you.
Always make sure that our son or daughter’s happiness will be your priority. Second, it will be your happiness as well. If I am gone and you are alone, I would understand if you would remarry or find someone new. I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart and the past years have been nothing but bliss.
You made me feel that I could be so much more.
If I could turn back time, I would never regret a moment or decision in my life since it led me straight to you. My Theo, I care about you so much. If you are reading this, just know that I love you with all my heart and our baby as well.
I trust that you will protect him or her if I am gone.
I love you so much, my husband.
Lovingly yours,
Eloise Bridgerton – Sharpe
___________________________
July 16, 1816
Dear Eloise,
How could you? How could you leave me after you birth our son?
I can’t help but feel angry and sad at the same time as I miss you so much terribly. After you naming him as Charles, I would never forget the way you kissed me one last time and whispered that you wanted to rest after being on labor for 24 hours.
How could you never wake up?
I miss you so much, Eloise. I can’t help but feel as if my heart has been ripped apart and thrown far away in a place that I would never be able to reach. Whenever I look at our son, I could not help but be teary eyed. It did not help when I found your journal or diary locked up in your desk.
As I read it from the beginning, I could not help but wonder how is that someone can go from being a total stranger into being the most important person in your life?
You are that person for me, El. Ever since I met you that early morning, you have been the most important person in my life. You are my happiness and now… my despair.
How could you leave me? I could not help but wonder if I would be able to move on from you. However, I know in my heart that I would not be able to get rid of you. You are already etched in my heart, Eloise Bridgerton.
Even if you are already gone, it feels as if you are here. Whenever, I look up at your side of our bed, I miss you even more. I miss the way you kiss me and hug me during the night. I just love you so much and now I am all alone.
All I want is to have you back. I want you back in my life, El.
God, I miss you, El. I miss you so much, my wife.
Charles is already asleep and I might rest for the night. I wonder if in my dreams I would see you once more. The only comfort I feel is whenever I see you in my dreams. However, dread crept up on me whenever I wake up.
I don’t know how can I get used to waking up without you smiling at me at the right side of the bed.
Missing you to the point of death,
Theo Sharpe
___________________________
September 11, 1816
Dear Eloise,
It has been months since your death.
I missed you every single day since that moment. I wanted to tell you that. I have moments that I just cry after taking care of Charles. Looking at him, I could see your eyes on him. I cry again as I write this to your journal thinking that this will be able to help me move on.
Benedict dropped by earlier with Penelope and Colin to check up on Charles and me. I appreciate them for checking in but to be honest, I just want to be alone with our son. Whenever I see our son needing something, I could not help but recall your instruction that I should always take care of our son.
I am doing it, Eloise. You do not have to worry.
However, don’t blame me if I cry in our bed once Charles is asleep. I miss you terribly and I know that this will never be gone for the next years. You are a part of me and now I am not whole. I am just a machine working to do his job because he was tasked to do it.
Your writings here have been my refuge from this terrible world.
Every time I read this, I could not feel but laugh and smile because it is as if you are here with me. I could hear you telling me these words and your precious thoughts. However, I always stop ready up until your last entry as I could not face the idea that it was your last.
Tomorrow, Charles and I will visit your sister, Daphne. They wanted to see him. For sure they would ask how I’ve been but we all know how I am right now. It is a good thing that I am not the type of person who drinks liquor or else, I might have to give up our son to one of your brothers.
No worries, my wife. I shall put myself together for our son and for you.
Until we meet again,
Theo Sharpe
___________________________
December 25, 1817
Dear Eloise,
It’s Christmas.
This was supposed to be our first Christmas as a family. I could not help but wonder what it would be like if you are still here with us. Would you still push thru with the idea of you cooking? You know that I could not risk our house and son with another fire just like last year.
I love you so much even if you are a terrible cook.
Me? I am doing alright if you count out the idea of me missing you terribly. You said that I should find my happiness once I ensured it to our son but you are wrong. How can I find my happiness if you are gone already?
You are the love of my life and the source of my happiness if not for our kid.
I wonder if you are there in the clouds looking over us. Charles is eating so much and I could not help but see your smile in him. He has my hair and my attitude when it comes to eating but the way he looks at me and laughs, it is all you.
Charles is our baby.
I hate that I am the only one seeing this since you are already gone but a part of me believes that you are here with us.
Merry Christmas,
Theo Sharpe
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May 17, 1818
Dear Eloise,
Charles is now walking!
He has walked towards me all morning and I could not help but be a proud father. You must be a proud mother as well if you are seeing him. It is a wonder to be quite honest how can a baby like this grow up so fast.
Your brother, Anthony dropped by earlier this afternoon and gave me a present. He gave me a painting of you. It was a painting of you in a gown so lovely and I could not help but cry in front of your brother because all these time, I always wonder how would I ever describe you to Charles outside of words.
Now, as I look at it in our room, I can.
You look so lovely as always. I know that a picture would never even capture your entire beauty. It would never be able to make someone see your beautiful smile and your stunning eyes but now, at least I can show our son a picture of you so that he would see you as his mother.
I look at it most of the time and cry. I have never been a cry baby before but ever since your death, I cry every moment. I just miss you so much, El.
I am just continue living because of my duty as a father and your command to safeguard our son. I wish to see you once more and I know in the right time, I will.
Tomorrow would be a busy day. Charles and I will visit your brother, Benedict as we are invited in their party.
Missing you always,
Theo Sharpe
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January 18, 1824
Dear Eloise,
Charles and I toured the entire Mayfair just to talk about you.
We walked hand in hand as we dropped by to your home when you were just a debutante. We also went to the market place where you frequent to visit with Penelope. We took a swing as well to the tree that your brother told me about when he saw you smoking. Although I never told Charles about the smoking part since he is till young.
We went to the Printshop and I told about him our story. I told him that I knew you because of your mission to find Lady Whistledown. I told about the time you went to the assembly just to hear about women’s right. I even mentioned the night we danced when I sneaked in just to see you in the masquerade ball.
I realized that even though you are gone, our story and love will never fade away.
Which is why I wrote a book about us. It’s not yet done but I took some inspiration of our love story so I could dedicate it to you, my wife.
Charles is loving every moment that I share new information about you. He has the same vigor and curiosity that you have. I truly see you in him which has became my source of happiness as you are gone.
I just want you to know that you will forever be my one true love. You said that I should find my happiness. You even told me that I could remarry but I could not.
No one can fill the void in my heart that only you, Eloise Bridgerton can do. However, our son has been my source of happiness and I know that one day, we shall meet again.
With love and hope,
Theo Sharpe