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"C'mon, Cabello, you've been through worse than this," she mutters to herself as she walks into her closet.
It was just a party, for god's sake. She's competed in the X Factor. She shouldn't be this nervous for a party.
But, a voice rings in the back of her mind, it was Lauren's party. It was her best friend's party. At least she thinks Lauren's her best friend. Lauren probably has tons of super cool friends who are all probably better than Camila, anyways.
Whatever. She needs to put her pants on.
It was the second day after they make it home when Lauren calls her. Camila had her earbuds in when One Direction suddenly stops playing and her default ringtone plays instead. She jumps, startled at the sound and her heart beats faster when she sees who it's from. (Only because the noise scared her, that's all.)
"Camz!" Lauren's upbeat voice greets her and Camila's mood is immediately lifted.
Camila smiles at her nickname. "Hey, Lo. What's up?"
"Well, two reasons. One, I already miss seeing you even though it's only been two days. Two, I'm throwing a little party at my house with my friends on Saturday and I was wondering if you wanted to come," Lauren says. "I know it sounds kinda lame, but I want to introduce you to all of them."
Camila blinks. The thought of hanging out with Lauren outside of anything competition and/or music industry related excites her more than she'd like to admit, but the thought of socializing with other people... not so much.
But still, it's Lauren, Camila reasons. "Yeah, sure." She already knew what her answer was before thinking and Lauren already had her at 'I already miss seeing you'.
-
Camila gets introduced to all of Lauren's friends in which she was right--they are all so much cooler than she is. But they're all nice and funny and Camila clicks with them (not as much as she does with Lauren, of course), and by the first hour, she's already talking and joking with the likes of Brittany and Jessica and Jackson.
The party thins out later in the night so that it's just her, Lauren, and only a few of her other friends. Lauren disappears into her basement and comes back with two bottles of wine in her hands and everyone cheers so Camila does too.
They pass it around as they drink it straight from the bottle until it's empty. Lauren's friend Chase finishes the last of the first bottle as he says, "Hey," he holds it up and wiggles it suggestively, "who wants to play spin the bottle?"
They all agree to it, Camila casts a nervous glance around, even Lauren--which, she realizes, she has to, too. They all form a circle around the bottle and Camila makes a hesitant move towards them.
Camila's heart thumps because all of them playing spin the bottle means that she is also playing spin the bottle.
She takes a seat between a brown haired boy who's name is either Justin or Jacob and Brittany as Chase starts it off. Camila is safe for the first few turns (which she's thankful for) as kisses happen between friends and teenage awkwardness ensues.
(She doesn't consider the possibility of 'kissing' and 'Lauren' in the same thought concept.
Or, she doesn't want to. Not yet.)
But then it's Keana's turn and the bottle slowly lands in Lauren's direction. Lauren laughs when Keana playfully winks at her as they crawl to the middle of the circle.
Camila watches the entire thing with a sort of fascination. Keana winks one more time when she cradles Lauren's face, and Camila swears Lauren is smirking as they lean closer together.
(Camila totally isn't freaking out.)
She hears Lauren ask Keana if she wants to "give them a show" and Camila's sure she's never felt anything as sour as this down in the very pit of her stomach.
And then Keana and Lauren are kissing as everyone 'oohs' and claps and cheers them on, and they look so comfortable doing it that an odd little part of Camila wonders if they'd ever done it before, without anyone else watching.
They don't break apart until Camila's starting to get convinced that they'll just completely ignore the existence of everyone else in the living room and just do it right here and now.
The second wine bottle makes its way around from Brittany to Camila, which she takes in both hands and takes the biggest gulp she's ever had that night. When Camila's done, she moves to give the bottle to whoever was to her immediate right, but it seems that the entire circle was already looking at her with some sort of anticipation. Camila was about to ask if there was something on her face, but she looks down to see where the empty bottle was pointing at. Or who it was pointed to.
The bottle was pointing right at her and it takes a while for her half-fried brain to make the connection. Her. Bottle. Lauren. Kiss. The bottle landed on her while it was Lauren's turn and now they have to kiss.
Then a wave of anxiety comes over her. God, what if she does something completely stupid? This is going to be her first kiss after all, and she's most likely going to mess it up somehow. And then another thought hits her: her first kiss is going to be Lauren. She is going to kiss Lauren.
She blinks at the bottle dumbly. By now, their entire circle was starting to chant, just like they did to the others when it was their turn. Now it was Camila's turn.
(She's wishing she took another gulp of that wine now.)
Camila crawls over to the middle where Lauren was waiting like her brain was on auto-pilot, and they meet their eyes for the first time since the bottle lands on her. Lauren's eyebrows raise to meet hers and Camila thinks Lauren looks relatively calm while she feels dizzy from all the alcohol she drank.
It seems like forever later when she gets close enough to Lauren. Lauren sits with her legs folded under her and Camila does the same. Their knees are touching through the denim of their jeans.
"You enjoying yourself yet?" Lauren whispers and she leans in just a minuscule amount.
Camila's muscles twitch in what she thinks probably looks like a smile even though she still kind of feels like vomiting. "Totally." It's all she's able to say at this moment, but if Lauren's able to exchange banter while only a few inches away from her, then Camila can do it back.
The first thing she does is immediately wish that she didn't sit in that position because now she can't feel her legs. The second thing Camila does is shut her eyes when she senses Lauren lean in closer. She's not so conscious about her numb legs, but is instead conscious about her numb entire body now. Her hands have a death grip on her knees like her nerve was tangible and it was the only way for her not to lose it.
Their lips meet after their noses nudge against each other and at first it was only a touch, with Camila frozen and Lauren not doing anything yet. Then she starts moving the slightest bit and Camila thinks Lauren's lips are so soft and she tastes like the same wine that Camila's been drinking all night. Lauren puts a careful hand on her back as she gently tugs her closer.
Camila hears the faint cheers and whistles of all Lauren's friends like they were in another room. They pull away slowly, Camila thinks, slower than any other kiss that night.
(Or maybe she just lost all sense of time itself.)
She opens her eyes in time to see Lauren's eyelashes flutter as hers open too, and her mouth tilts up at Camila in a way that makes her veins buzz and her brain turn into a puff of smoke and dissipate and oh. Oh no. No.
"Your spin." Lauren says, her voice huskier than Camila remembers. At least that's what she thinks she said. She might have been busy staring at her mouth, aka the mouth she just kissed a few seconds ago.
Lauren's seated back in her spot as Camila spins the bottle with a shaky hand, and that's exactly what she blames when the bottle goes slowly... slowly... and stops.
In front of Lauren. Again. Awesome.
And maybe it would have been awesome if Camila wasn't in the middle of a crisis.
Camila hears Keana snicker over the half-empty bottle she was drinking out of and Lauren crawls over to the middle again.
Camila examines the girl for any sort of indication that she was as nervous as Camila looked, but all she could see was Lauren's mouth lightly set in a soft line with her eyes green and easy going, like all she was doing was taking her dog on a walk on a pleasantly sunny day.
On the other hand, Lauren takes a look at her and it's probably written clearly on Camila's face how close she is to losing it because she says, "Well gee, Camz, I didn't know I was that bad a kisser." The comment was meant to be taken lightly and it makes Camila relax just a little.
(Only a little, though, because Lauren was the opposite of a terrible kisser and that was part of the problem.)
They lean in faster without as much anticipation as last time, which Camila was definitely thankful for. Their lips move tentatively together, but then Camila thinks she's getting the hang of it. She gets some random burst of courage where she wraps her arms around Lauren's neck and deepens the kiss. Lauren makes a surprised sound at the back of her throat and Camila thinks she hears everyone go wild at that.
They pull away and they must have traded places or something, because Camila's head is still spinning but in a good way, and Lauren's glassy green eyes have a noticeable but unreadable change in them.
Camila's head is still spinning when she sits back in her spot. She looks up at the ceiling fan and notes how they both have something in common.
She hears the clamor of voices get louder as she looks back down to see what had happened. The first thing Camila notices were how Lauren's eyes were staring right at hers. The second thing was how the neck of the bottle seemed to be staring at her, too.
"Well." It was the only thing that came to Camila's mind as Lauren's friends all crack up.
"Third time's the charm, girls!" She hears Keana hoot at them.
Brittany gives her an amused smile in-between laughs and offers her the bottle that made it's way back around where Camila finishes the last of it off.
"You know the rules," Matthew (she forgot his name, but it was probably Matthew--god, she's so bad at names) says as he opens the door to the coat closet and a few pairs of hands usher both girls into the room.
"Have fun in Heaven!" Someone calls out as the door shuts.
They're met in relative silence with the only sound coming from their friends continuing the game without them in the living room.
The coat closet was as big as you would expect a room for holding coats would be--so, not very big. Their backs are against opposite walls, but Camila's toes threaten to step on Lauren's and she's not sure if she should apologize or not.
"So... do we...?" Camila lets the sentence go unfinished.
Lauren clears her throat. "Uh, well, it's just a game, isn't it? I mean, a kiss is just a kiss when it doesn't mean anything." She shifts uncomfortably in the limited space they have. "We don't have to talk about it." Lauren's voice was scratchy and she licks her lips.
A kiss is just a kiss when it doesn't mean anything. Camila lets those words echo in her mind for a bit and she doesn't know if she should be upset about it or not.
"Yeah. Yeah, you're right."
Camila checks her phone one more time. No notifications. She frowns.
"You good?" Dinah sits on the seat beside her with a red solo cup in hand.
"Yeah?" Camila looks up from her phone after checking it one more time. "Why're you asking?"
"Walz, I've seen you check that phone at least seven times within two minutes," She says. "Everyone's seen you check that phone at least seven times within two minutes, actually," Dinah corrects herself. "The guys were even asking me if you were doing all right." She gestures to two of the guys from The Vamps getting obnoxiously rowdy at the other side of the bus.
"Well you can tell them I'm doing spectacular." It comes out as a sneer even though she doesn't mean for it to and it surprises her a little. But whatever, she's tired and kind of annoyed because she's only checked her phone five times and not seven. And she just really wants to go back to her own bus and go to sleep for a very long time.
Camila was only there because the guys invited them to hang out at their bus, but since they were in Texas, Ally and Normani were out with family, and Dinah "didn't want to seem rude" so--here she is.
And Lauren. Lauren is currently out on a date with Brad because, according to her, they were apparently a thing now, and people who are apparently a thing go on dates and leave their best friend behind to fend for themselves.
Which is okay, she guesses. Rad.
"Mila."
Camila snaps out of thoughts to see Dinah standing in front of her and now holding two cups in her hands.
"Here." She holds one out expectantly.
Camila takes it with a wary hand. "What?"
Dinah looks at her like she said something completely stupid. "Drink it, dumbass. It'll hopefully lighten you up."
She rolls her eyes. "If it'll make you leave me alone then fine, whatever." Camila takes the cup in hand and drinks with Lauren still in the back of her mind.
-
Camila drank a lot. Like, a lot. So much. But that's okay.
Speaking of okay...
She wonders if Lauren's doing okay.
Camila checks her phone again after imagining a scenario where Lauren and Brad tragically get hit by a meteor whilst on a romantic dinner date.
But she gets nothing. Nada.
She frowns one more time. At least, she's pretty sure she's frowning. Maybe she only feels like frowning but she wasn't actually frowning.
Who cares. She's really sleepy.
Camila yawns and glances at Dinah to make sure she didn't see her frown because she doesn't want her friend to make another unnecessary comment. She sees her passed out on one of the seats and snoring softly.
Wow, that sure isn't responsible of her, she mentally chides. She'll make sure to mention her irresponsible behavior to her when she wakes up.
Then she gets a good idea: maybe instead of waiting for Lauren to text her, she can text Lauren. Yeah, she'll do that.
hey
No, that's not enough, she thinks.
hows the date w bread going??
She snickers at her own joke. Good one, Camila.
But then she thinks that maybe Lauren wouldn't appreciate it as much as she did.
whoops i meant brad but u kno whta i mean
brado
braditto
bradtattas
She snickers again. Whoops, she didn't mean to send those.
he kidn of looks like bread doesnt h e??
like a loaf of bread u fidn @ walmart or somethng
Okay, she totally meant to send that.
Lauren definitely won't appreciate that, though.
sorry thta was rude
love u lolo
There. She'll forgive her.
-
"What? How is it my fault that Camila's a lightweight?" Camila hears Dinah's raised voice through the door when she wakes up.
The first thing she notices is that she has a kink in her neck and it's awfully uncomfortable. The second thing was that she was in her bunk. The third was that she was still wearing her clothes from last night. The fourth was the sound of Lauren shouting at what is presumably Dinah.
"I found you passed out on the couch, too!"
"Well, yeah, but I drank a lot more!"
"And that's supposed to make me less angry with you?" Even through another room she could hear Lauren's voice pound through her head and it was enough to make her get up and go into the front lounge to tell them to shush.
(Well, to the bathroom and then to the front lounge.)
Dinah's still getting chewed out on five minutes later when Camila opens the door and pokes her head out.
("I'm not five, Lauren! I'm a big girl!"
"Really? I couldn't tell when I had to wake your ass up and carry Camila's from the guys' bus."
"Well, you didn't have to do that! They were at least nice enough to give us blankets!"
"You are unbelievable.")
"Can you guys not do that thing with your voices, please?" Camila whines.
Both girls immediately turn to look at her with irritated expressions written on their faces.
-
In the end, Camila gets an earful and Dinah eventually does apologize.
("I'm sorry for being irresponsible with my alcohol and also for Camila being a lightweight."
Camila would like to object to that last part, but she really can't anyways.)
-
Fortunately, they had a day off later that night so Ally and Normani were still with family and Dinah went out with them this time.
It was when they were sitting on the couch in the back lounge when Lauren asks, "Do you really not like Brad?"
Camila was kind of caught off guard from the sudden subject change and says, "What? What brought this on?" (She really wants to dodge this question.)
"Camila, you texted me multiple times last night calling him 'bread' and comparing him to one, 'you find at Walmart or something'--which, you spelled wrong, by the way." Lauren's tone wasn't angry or even a little bit annoyed, though, when Camila expected it to be; her facial expression was more towards amused than anything. She was thankful for it, but she still felt a little guilty.
"I... I like him." She manages to stutter out, and it would have been convincing if not for her voice going an octave higher than it usually is.
"Camz, no you don't." Lauren says matter-of-factly.
Camila wants to say no, she wants to protest and tell Lauren that Brad is an absolute angel and that he's the perfect guy. Even more so, Camila wants to agree and give Lauren a rational reason as to not like him (but she doesn't really have one).
She does neither. Instead, she shrugs and plays the part of 'protective best friend'. "It's just that I don't know him that well, that's all." Her eyes fix on the TV in her periphery instead of Lauren's face when she says it.
Lauren nods an understanding and Camila figures that it wasn't exactly a lie, so it was much easier for her to say.
Then Lauren's face rids of the amused expression. "So... you don't remember what you told me last night when I carried you?" She asks after a while, and Camila can't recognize the tone in her voice.
Her brow furrows in confusion as she tries to recall. "I don't think so, what was it?" Whatever it was, Camila decides, couldn't have been worse than the 'bread' situation.
But Lauren shifts in her seat and says, "Oh, it wasn't important." (Which Camila thinks it means it was probably important.)
It was too late, though, because Camila grasps at the vague memory she thinks Lauren might have been talking about.
(Camila feels herself bouncing up and down from riding on Lauren's back. She was so, so sleepy.
"Please don't date him, Lolo." Her voice comes out like a muffled cross between a slur and a whine from where she buries her face in Lauren's hair. It just smells so good.
There isn't any sound except Lauren's heavy breathing and for a moment, Camila thinks she didn't hear her.
But then she feels Lauren's grip tighten just slightly around Camila's thighs as she says, "Why, Camz?"
Camila buries her face deeper into her hair. "I don't like seeing you with him." And not me. She says it almost inaudibly.
Camila decides that Lauren didn't hear that last part because of the silence that doesn't break for the rest of the night.)
But Camila nods and pretends that she didn't just recall it. "Okay, as long as it wasn't too embarrassing." It was a feeble joke, but Lauren smiles something that Camila can see through and they get back to their show.
They don't kiss again until three years after their first one, which is coincidentally around the same time Camila embraces the fact that her feelings for Lauren are impractical and would only serve in hurting her and endangering their music careers, so she gets over it. Just like that.
Okay, no, not 'just like that'.
But she's trying.
-
So Camila might be a little tipsy. Not a lot, though.
But you know what was a lot? Lauren. A lot as in extra. Lauren is just being so extra right now.
Camila eyes Lauren from across the floor. But, like, not in the creepy way. More like the I-hope-my-friend-doesn't-do-anything-incredibly-stupid type of way. Duh.
She takes a deep breath, then exhales, then takes another sip of her drink.
Her eyes are still on Lauren and she resists rolling them. She watches her get a little too up close and personal with some dude and she ends up rolling her eyes anyways.
It's not like that guy looked like anyone from One Direction or anything, she thinks. Like, just because they're in the UK and he's conventionally attractive doesn't mean he's automatically apart of an award winning boy band or anything. Although now that she's really looking at him she can see a slight resemblance in him and Harry Styles. Camila blinks again and--oh, wait, nevermind.
Inhale. Exhale. Sip. Inhale. Exhale. Sip. Inhale. Exhale. Sip. Inhale. Exhale. Sip.
Camila's in the middle of her tenth time of her respiration/drinking/brooding activity on her second drink when Dinah walks by.
"Wassup?" Dinah calls and takes the empty seat next to her. "Why aren't you gettin' your groove on with the rest of us?"
"Don't be ridiculous," Camila leans nonchalantly against the bar. "I am getting my groove on. Right here, right now." She nods once for emphasis.
Dinah purses her lips as she gives her a look. "Walz, I'm pretty sure you're having the best time of your life watching Lauren like an angsty gay hawk, but I still think you'll have ten times more fun dancing with the rest of us."
Camila shoots her a glare. "First of all, I can't believe you just called me an angsty gay hawk. Second of all, I am not an angsty gay hawk, nor am I watching her like one. Third of all, fine--" Camila gets up from her chair, downs the rest of her drink in one gulp, and slams her glass down a little harder than she thought, because the bartender gives her a dirty look (she mouths "sorry"). "--but I'm still gonna be looking at her the entire time, though." She says that last part just to spite Dinah and nothing else.
Dinah shrugs, just content that she got Camila to finally get off her ass. "I'll take a win where I can get one."
They get on the dance floor with Normani and Ally, and Camila does as promised.
Lauren found another guy to dance with. Camila thinks this one kind of looks like Louis if you tilt your head and squint really hard; or maybe if you just close your eyes altogether.
(Camila favors the latter a little more.)
Dinah snorts. "You're unbelievable." She shakes her head and continues dancing. Neither Normani nor Ally really notice anything because they're too busy dancing and laughing at each other.
Camila's still (in)conspicuously glancing at Lauren and sometimes she thinks Lauren even meets her eyes back. Either that or she was just eyeing the handsome guy dancing behind her, but she's pretty sure Lauren's looking at her. Like, at least thirty percent, maybe forty-five.
(Which Camila really doesn't know why Lauren's looking back, because it's not like she's being obvious about it.)
She glances at Lauren one more time and she kind of regrets she hasn't because has she mentioned Lauren's a really good dancer? Like, the best.
Camila's embarrassed to admit that her eyes widen and she goes into an uneeded coughing fit. Her face is warm and it's probably a noticeable red even in the dim lighting of the dance floor.
(Because of the coughing. Duh.)
"Walz, you dying there?" Dinah asks, half concerned and half amused.
"What? No?" It comes out sounding more like a question, though.
Camila shakes her head and tries to continue her dancing. "I'm alive." She catches herself almost glancing over again, but she stops. "So alive."
Dinah gives her a knowing look, still amused. "Alright, you keep doing you, I guess." She turns away from Camila and goes back to her phone to record Normani and Ally's twerk-off on Snapchat.
Camila's being ridiculous. She sees Lauren dance all the time. It shouldn't affect her like this. Friends aren't supposed to affect other friends like this.
Nevertheless, she still feels a twinge in her stomach and a twinge somewhere else that she can't exactly locate.
Stupid Lauren and her stupid sensual dancing. This is ridiculous.
She pulls out of her thoughts in time for her to see Lauren walking towards her with a bemused look on her face. The first thing Lauren says is, "Camz, you've been staring at me for a while now. Is there a stain on my ass or something?"
Camila wasn't sure if she was kidding or not. She pretends that Lauren's voice was drowned out by the blaring music and she doesn't answer (although she does glance at her ass just to make sure there really wasn't anything there). "Huh?"
Lauren shakes her head and smiles. "Nevermind."
They dance together for a while and Camila actually enjoys it this time. (Did she already say that Lauren was a really good dancer?)
"Where's Louis?" Camila accidentally slips out when they're close enough.
Lauren scrunches her face in confusion."Who?"
Camila shakes her head. She remembers why she doesn't drink very often. "Nothing, please ignore me. I'm only about sixty percent sure what I'm talking about and/or doing right now."
Lauren's still moving in time to the music, in which Camila wonders how, and she says, "You and me both."
There was a gap of time between them dancing and her being led to the restroom that Camila doesn't really remember. (But does it really matter? Camila doesn't really think so.) The only thing she really remembers in-between that was Dinah coughing something that kind of sounded like either "cake" or "gray" when Camila says she has to pee and Lauren offers to accompany her.
Lauren leads the way as Camila more or less stumbles in attempt to not look like a lightweight in heels.
They enter the restroom as three giggling girls come out. She notices no one else was in there with them now. The music is still well-heard and Camila's heart beats in time with the rhythm of whatever song was playing. Camila blinks to let her eyes adjust to the brighter lighting.
Lauren is standing in front of the mirrors when she says, "I know you've been staring at me, Camila."
The words catch her off guard and she tries to find something to say, but she thinks she's swallowed a rock or something. "I'm not sure what you mean." It comes out shaky but a little part of Camila isn't really surprised that it did.
Lauren steps closer now, her mouth twisting into something that looks dangerously like a mix of amusement and confidence. "I'm drunk, not dumb, Camz."
Camila looks over Lauren's shoulder to meet eyes with her own reflection, then back at Lauren, then at Lauren's lips. For the time being, Camila's forgotten all about the fact that she's trying to get over her. Lauren notices her gaze and she's about to say something when Camila kisses her.
Her lips are as soft as she remembers three years ago, the only difference being the type of drink she tastes on her mouth. Lauren makes that same surprised noise she made the last time. The sound of their lips pulling apart seems to echo throughout the empty room. Camila looks up to see any trace of amusement and confidence gone from Lauren's face.
Camila suddenly remembers why she's there in the first place. "I gotta go pee." Her eyes are focused on the tiled floor as she locks herself in the farthest stall from where Lauren was still standing.
She hears Lauren mutter an "Excuse me," as another group of chattering girls open the door and she knows she's exited.
So, it turns out she's so not over her.
(They both feign forgetfulness of yesterday's events the next day and blame it all on the alcohol.)
"Mila, please tell this loser that the unicorn emoji is the most superior of all animal emojis!" She hears Ally yell and Normani give an offended gasp soon after.
"The unicorn is superior in the animal kingdom of iPhone emojis, Mani!" Camila shouts at her and she tackles Normani onto the bed to wrestle.
Dinah's filming the entire thing to presumably put on Snapchat, Ally's cheering the two squabbling girls on, and Lauren's busy drinking one of their half-empty gifts they found by the door of Ally and Normani's room, probably left by a fan.
They find the three bottles of tequila after rehearsal earlier today, and after rushing it into the room, hiding it on the shelf of their closet from anyone else's eyes but theirs, briefly bickering amongst themselves that the drinks could possibly be poisoned, one of them (she forgets) arguing that "they were even nice enough to provide shot glasses so they can't be that cruel", the girls all agree to drink it after tonight's concert to "get rid of evidence," Camila and Ally say, and to "not let it go to waste," the other girls conclude. It was genius.
"We are great role models," Camila declares, panting after physically losing her wrestling match to Normani (whatever, she still thinks she's right, so that's all that counts).
"Stop hogging all of the--uh, Capri Sun--and come join us, Lauren!" Camila almost face-palms at Dinah's inability to lower her voice, but then she face-palms anyways just because of her ridiculous Capri Sun euphemism.
She's baffled as to why they haven't received a noise complaint yet; anyone within a block radius with ears could tell they were so obviously intoxicated.
Lauren rolls her eyes at Dinah's sentence, but gets up from the couch anyways. "Fine, here's your Capri Sun." She gives her the bottle.
-
Camila notices Ally's fallen asleep and she's just about to propose the brilliant idea of drawing a mustache on her (in washable marker, of course; she's a responsible young woman) when she notices everyone's as knocked out as Ally. Well, almost everyone.
Normani is lying face-down on her own bed looking dead (she isn't, by the way, Camila checked), Ally's back is against her headboard with her head drooping to her right, Dinah, probably the drunkest of the three, was passed out on the carpet floor beside the foot of Normani's bed, cuddling one of the empty bottles close to her like it was her new boyfriend (Camila takes a few pictures), but Lauren isn't passed out when Camila looks over at her.
Lauren's eyes are already fixed on her when she turns and Camila's tempted to say, "Look who's staring now," but that maybe wouldn't be the brightest idea, she decides after thinking it.
But then Lauren gets that particular look on her face where her mouth tilts up in that infuriating way that Camila still isn't sure if she hates or not, so she changes her mind.
"Look who's staring now." It comes out low, her vocal chords barely vibrating.
Lauren blinks like she wasn't sure who Camila was talking to.
No one says anything. The sound of tense silence fills Camila's ears more than Dinah's heavy breathing does.
It's a little more that Camila can bear, so she gets up from where she was sitting on Ally's bed. Which is kind of harder than she thought, but she manages. She grabs the nearly-full bottle on the nightstand and walks over to Dinah's body to gently pry the completely finished one away from her. They're lucky they have an off day tomorrow.
Camila would like to say that she's getting better with her alcohol considering that she isn't passed out like the rest of her friends, but she knows she didn't drink near enough as them.
She goes to throw the two bottles away in the trash can of the bathroom. She throws the first one away, looks at the second one with a considerable amount left, drinks some, and oh--bad idea--when she hears the door close softly behind her.
Lauren silently places her bottle in the trash can beside Camila and their arms brush in the process. It makes her dizzier than she already was.
She washes her hands because her they're probably dirty, and when she moves to dry them, Lauren falls beside her to do the same thing.
Camila is still wiping her hands when she hears the faucet squeak shut and Lauren grab the towel beside hers. Camila's hands have been well dry for a while now, and now it just seems like she's buying time. (For what, she isn't exactly sure.)
Lauren gives her a sideways look and says, "I think your hands are dry enough now."
Camila gives her one back and says, "So are yours."
She thinks she hears Lauren swallow. If she didn't know her better, Camila would have thought she was nervous, but the Lauren she knows only gets nervous during shows and performances and virtually nothing else. "Then what are we still doing here?" She asks.
Camila doesn't answer. In her mind, she's too drunk to hear. She moves to check her appearance in the mirror.
In the mirror, she sees Lauren walk towards her with a kind of boldness in her step. Hands firmly pull her by the shoulder so she's not looking at her reflection anymore--she's looking at Lauren now.
Then this time Camila's the one making the surprised sound somewhere within her throat, and Lauren's lips are burning--or maybe it's hers. She eventually decides that everything's burning and it's all the alcohol's fault.
She feels Lauren's thumb rub circles on her bare hip and it makes her shiver, contradicting her earlier statement. Lauren's pressed flush against her body and god--she tastes like tequila and everything she can't have, but it doesn't stop her from wanting it--wanting her anyways.
It's kind of hot.
Okay, it's super hot.
Super duper hot.
But then it is significantly less hot when Camila bangs her head against the glass shower door, jarring her senses.
"Fuck," Lauren breathes out, and Camila's tempted to just forget all the shooting pain in her head and kiss her again because of it.
But then Lauren's already backed away a little from her--enough to give room for both of them to think (or at least try to).
"Lauren," Camila says. Nothing else comes out of her mouth, but she kisses her again. The ache in her head reduces to a dull throb.
"How drunk are you, Camila?" It wasn't an accusing tone.
"As drunk as you." As much as she enjoys talking to Lauren, she doesn't really want to have a conversation right now.
But Lauren's looking her in her eyes now and Camila can see the confusion and hesitancy in them, and she knows the potential for this moment to turn into hard questions and possibly even heartbreak. So (the alcohol's making her do this), she adds, "Look, I'm drunk and so are you. We really don't have to question this, okay?"
Then Camila suspects she's the most influential human being at that moment because Lauren's the one moving in to kiss her. Camila's veins buzz pleasantly and she likes to think it's from a perfect combination of alcohol and Lauren.
-
What none of the girls thought about, however, was the morning after. So when all five girls are practically fighting over the toilet in three rooms, her manager figures something's up.
So, not so genius.
-
There's a knock on the door. Camila gets up, shuffling her sock-clad feet on the floor.
It must have been Dinah. She left her key in here.
"Dinah--" Camila starts, but soon stops after seeing who it is.
"Hey." Lauren stands outside her door with her hands in her pockets. "Uh." Her hand moves to fix her hair. "I think I left my jacket in here."
"Uh, yeah, come in." Camila moves behind the door as Lauren walks past her. She grips the doorknob as she walks with the door extra-slow to shut it softly. She examines her golden reflection on the doorknob (no, she's not trying to busy herself).
God, she's just being dumb.
Camila walks to table they have and digs through a pile of Dinah's shirts. "Is it this one?" She holds up a black hoodie.
Lauren turns around from searching on Dinah's bed. "Uh, yeah, thanks."
"No problem."
Lauren moves to meet her.
"Look, about last night--" She starts.
Camila freezes. Those words trigger something in her brain and she doesn't know what comes over her when she says, "I don't remember anything about last night." She says it as steady and unrushed as she can, but she thinks Lauren can see the way her knuckles are almost white as she grips the edge of the table.
But if Lauren notices then she says nothing about it except, "Okay."
Camila later tries to justify her actions by imagining the way Lauren had something like pity and regret in her eyes until she starts to believe it.
(It helps when she hears the words, 'A kiss is just a kiss when it doesn't mean anything' echo in her mind.)
Shake It by Metro Station has been on repeat for the third time that night and Camila concludes that this is an entire new level of Hell just for her.
She isn't drinking again; she hasn't for almost a month.
The only downside is that she gets to hear shitty club music and all it's remixes while sober.
Shake, shake, shake, shake, sh-shake it.
God, she's gonna murder whoever keeps requesting this song.
Camila quit dancing a while ago; you can only take so much of Dinah and Ally trying to find the perfect tempo to twerk to the same song.
(She doesn't even look in Lauren's direction once.
Okay, that was a lie, but it was only one time.
Okay, twice now.
She's currently dancing with another Louis look-alike, by the way.)
Once she realizes the song is a remix (which is the last straw), she know's it's time for her to go back to the hotel room.
"Hey, I'm heading back to our room," Camila half-shouts at Dinah over the lead singer's singing.
She nods. "I think I'll go with you, Walz. I'm actually kind of all partied out." She tells Ally and Normani that they're leaving and they go on their way.
They get into the cab and Camila can practically see the question twitching from Dinah's mouth.
"Nothing's wrong, you know," Camila says.
"What?" Dinah turns her head to face her.
"Me and Lauren," she explains. "We're fine." (They're just... not speaking that much lately. It's not relating to the fact that they've drunkenly made out more than once. It isn't anything her friend needs to worry about.)
"Okay." Dinah's eyes soften. "I just want you to be alright, Mila."
Camila can't help but smile fondly at her best friend. "I know. Thanks for looking out for me."
-
Camila's on her bed surfing Tumblr, almost ready for sleep, when she hears a knock on the door.
"Coming!" Dinah calls, getting up from her bed.
Normani walks in the room with her pajamas and toothbrush in her hands. "Hey, guys," she greets them. "Gosh, I have to frickin' pee."
"Hey, Mani," Dinah greets.
Normani closes the door behind her. "God, can you believe Lauren?" She gives a little laugh. "Kicking me out like this." She continues talking animatedly to Dinah.
"Wait, why'd she kick you out?" Camila says, still scrolling through her laptop.
Normani doesn't hear her. "I mean, her and that dude should've just gone to his--"
"Mani?" Camila raises her voice a little so she could be heard. "Why're you here with all your stuff?" She's looking up from her laptop now.
Normani stops. She looks at Camila and then at back Dinah. "Uh, Lauren kicked me out." She's still looking at Dinah.
Her brow furrows in confusion. "Why would she...?" Then she realizes it: Lauren kicked Normani out because she's taking a guy back to their room with her. "Oh."
Camila could cry. She could cry and scream like some petulant child and she could kick and punch and she could bust a hole in the hotel wall (well, probably not the last part, but there would still be an attempt).
"Well, I'm gonna go wash up." Normani walks to the bathroom, the atmosphere becoming awkward.
Dinah's looking at Camila, but she's busy reading a very interesting text post on her screen.
A few nights later, Camila's back to drinking.
She isn't mad. Why would she be mad? There isn't any reason for her to be.
If anything, she's un-mad.
No, that's not a word.
She's just... not happy.
This time, Lauren's the one staying in while she's not. Funny. Maybe it's her turn to sleep with someone next.
No, Camila thinks. She won't do that.
Maybe she'll text her. She gets her phone out and no, no she shouldn't text her. Not after what happened that one time.
She frowns. Camila really wants to talk to her, though.
Without thinking it through, she gets up abruptly and walks out of the club. Once she's safely in a cab, she remembers to text Dinah to inform her that she's not being murdered or anything.
It takes three knocks and five seconds for Lauren to answer the door. Her hair's mussed and she's wearing an old t-shirt with a pair of shorts as she steps back, confusion written on her face. "Camila?"
Camila's tempted to kiss her right then and there, but she doesn't, which she thinks she should get an award for, by the way.
"Hey," she says without any distinctive emotion, not yet deciding what mood she wants to be in. She has a lot of feelings and she doesn't know which one to show first. She steps inside, inviting herself in.
Before Lauren can say anything, Camila decides on the spot that she's angry with her. Which is a bad idea--a very bad idea--but she ignores any rational part of her brain right now. "Why did you sleep with him?" Her voice is low, barely audible.
Lauren is taken aback. "Excuse me?"
"A few nights ago--why did you sleep with him?" She repeats in again, louder this time.
Lauren recovers not a second later and she says, "Are you drunk? Since when was it your job to ask me questions about my sex life?" There's a crease in the middle of her eyebrows and Camila knows she's getting agitated.
Camila clenches her jaw. "Since you kissed me."
"I kissed you?" Lauren's voice was challenging. "I kissed you? Really? I thought you didn't remember anything from that night."
Camila's hands clench by her sides. She takes a step. "I lied," she says simply.
Lauren gives a harsh laugh. "Of course you did. Please, then," Lauren's voice is condescending; she's mad now, "enlighten me about what happened that night in vivid detail." She steps closer to her.
Camila feels a surge of anger--real anger this time. "In the bathroom." A step. "You closed the door behind you." Step. Lauren isn't stepping back. "I was looking in the mirror and you--" One more step. They were face to face and Camila can sense Lauren's nervousness in the tension in her arms and her face and her eyes. "Kissed me." Then another poor decision. "Like this."
And Camila grabs her face and kisses her hard. Lauren kisses harder and then it becomes a non-verbal argument (that involves a lot of kissing). Lauren pushes and Camila pushes her back because they're angry--they're both angry--and avoiding their problems.
Lauren's the one who pulls back. "Camila." She catches her breath. There's still heat packed in her words. "This is what I'm talking about, you see?" She steps back. "You can't keep doing this to me."
"Can't keep doing what?"
"You can't keep kissing me and insisting that we don't talk about it, and fucking Christ, Camila, pretending to forget about it the next day just to avoid confronting your feelings for me."
"Feelings for you?" She's lying now.
"You know what I'm talking about," she practically hisses. Then her facial expression darkens as she's the one stepping closer to Camila. "You think I don't see how you're always staring at me?" Her voice was low. "God, Camila, it's so obvious and everyone here knows it. They've known it for a long time." She's almost whispering it in her ear.
Camila hates it. She hates her feelings and hates Lauren and she hates how she's right. "You're one to presume, huh? God, don't be so full of yourself." This is a bold-faced lie, but she looks her in the eye anyways. "A kiss is just a kiss when it doesn't mean anything," Camila reminds her, "You even said it yourself, remember?" She's well aware she's fighting for the wrong side, but she doesn't stop herself.
Lauren's so angry her nostrils flare. "That's not fair."
"Not fair?"
"I was sixteen, Camila." Lauren looks close to crying now. "I was sixteen and I didn't know I was--"
"Was what?" There's still an edge in Camila's voice.
"Forget it." Camila thinks Lauren might be crying now; she can't clearly tell. "You're good at forgetting things, anyways."
"Fine." It comes out steady in Camila's mouth. Camila thinks she might be crying now too; she can't tell either. Then she says, "What, are we not gonna talk about your feelings? I mean, since you wanna give me shit for mine, then let's just talk about yours too." She blinks hard; she's always been an angry crier. "There must be a reason you always let me kiss you, huh?"
Lauren visibly pales.
That was when Normani walks in, more or less saving her. "Hey guys," the greeting dying at her lips once she noticed what was going on.
Camila doesn't know what else to do now besides make a scene and angrily barge past Normani and out of the room, so she does, without another look back.
-
She's not drunk anymore; she feels like she's far from it now.
She walks to her door with what just happened replaying in her head as she checks her pockets for her key. Three times of patting down all her pockets makes her realize she doesn't have her key with her. Crap.
She sends a text to Dinah, which she replies thirty seconds later with: still @ da club w A. go bother laurne, which she knows she can't do, like, at all.
So she thinks about picking the lock. Then she realizes she can't do that because 1) it's one of those key card thingies, and 2) she doesn't know how to pick a lock in the first place.
She considers going down to the lobby and asking for a new one. Then she thinks about walking and how her entire body feels heavy, and it's like gravity is working against her because she sinks down to the floor like what people do in movies and TV shows when they're having a bad day.
Camila closes her eyes and thinks about the outcomes of going to sleep right then and there when she hears footsteps come near her and stop.
She presumes it's Dinah, so she opens one eye and nope, no it's just Lauren, standing there a few feet away and looking wary.
Camila opens both eyes now and she knows neither of them are mad anymore and she says, "Can you come closer, please? You're starting to creep me out just standing there."
Lauren does what she's asked and she slides down to the floor to Camila's immediate left.
Lauren sighs and that's the only sound that was made until Camila says, "I'm sorry."
Lauren's eyes are focused on the white wall across from her. "Me too."
Camila's eyes are trained upwards on the flower painting on the wall. "I didn't mean all that stuff I said to you back there." A beat. "I mean the opposite from it, actually."
Lauren cracks a small smile next to her. "I know."
Then Camila can't help but crack one too. "God, you're so presumptuous." She says it fondly.
"I know." Lauren looks up at the same painting Camila's still focused on. "I think I'm in love with you, you know." She says it with ease.
Then Camila says, "You think?"
Then Lauren says, "Who's presumptuous now?"
Camila laughs a laugh big enough for their entire floor to hear.
Maybe she is still drunk.