Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Looking back on it, Gon could say with surety that he had no idea when it had started building up.

Maybe it was when they’d first met and he’d been incapable of understanding why someone would want to hide behind such an obvious mask of ease and indifference.

Maybe it was when Killua had tried to push him away when that girl came after him during the hunter exam. Like a wounded animal that tried to scare him away before it could hurt him even further.

Maybe it was when Killua had left to go home without a single word of goodbye. Illumi had made it to Gon’s number one spot on his enemy list that day.

Maybe it was when Killua took that lightning head on in the Heaven’s arena and Gon first found out he was immune. He’d found it cool at first, just another one of the many things that made Killua the best.

Maybe it was when Nobunaga had them at gunpoint and Killua had told him to run. Like a real hero. Like a true idiot.

Or maybe it was when Killua had kept quiet about his hands during the dodgeball game. They’d been of one mind. Killua wouldn’t mind. Killua would want Gon to give it his all. Killua would say something if he felt differently.

Right?

Maybe, Gon thought as the skin at the back of his neck prickled from Killua’s static. As Killua’s eyes were wide and panicky, his thoughts racing a million miles a minute and arriving nowhere. As Gon pulled a grimace because the answer would be so obvious if Killua could just calm down for a minute.

“I’ll count to three and then you run”, Killua said, voice in that odd place where it was calm as a lake and turbulent as a storm at once.

Maybe, Gon thought.

“One.”

Or maybe -

“Two.”

- Maybe not.

“Three.”

Something inside Gon snapped. His anger flared, hot and all consuming. He did not run as Killua had instructed him to. He did not attempt to stop Killua either. It’s not like he was in any danger.
A minute later, all five men were on the ground. Dead. Killua panting heavily, despite the fact that this should have barely been a warm up exercise for him. As the last flickers of electricity subsided and Killua’s hands reverted back to normal, Gon crushed his shackles and stood up. Startled, Killua whirled around, eyes growing wide as he spotted him, two beautiful, endless night skies that should never hold so much terror.

“Gon …” Killua breathed. “You … why are you still here? I told you to run.”

Gon didn’t answer. Couldn’t answer. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many thoughts to voice, so many feelings to let out, that it all bundled up inside of him and clogged up his chest, his throat, his tongue, his brain. So he walked past Killua and said nothing.

“Gon … ?” Killua’s voice was wavering.

Gon didn’t stop.

“Hey … Gon … wait …”

Killua ran to catch up to him, staying a few paces behind him like he used to do before their separation. Like he still did every once in a while. Looking back on it, maybe this was another one of those things.

“Are you mad?”

That, at least, Gon could answer. “Yes.”

He could hear Killua flinching behind him.

“That I … that I killed -”

“No”, Gon cut him off. “They were kidnappers. Serial ones, judging by how well they worked. They had it coming.”

Gon despised the killing of the innocent, but he never protested against criminals getting their comeuppance. Animals kill for their survival, that of their offspring, or of their herd. Humans were no different. Not even Gon, as much as he liked to pretend otherwise.

“Then why are you so pissed?”

How? How on earth did he not know? How could he actually ask that question with a straight face?

“Because you told me to run.”

Killua bristled behind him, tiny sparks of electricity flaring up once again. Killua was upset. Gon should calm him down. It’s what they always did, right? Gon was the one with his head in the clouds and Killua’s job was to keep his feet on the ground. But in the moment when Killua bounced off the walls, it was Gon’s job to catch him and hold him in place. That’s what should be happening right now. That’s what Gon’s role was now. But he couldn’t. Not this time.

“Why are you mad about that?” Killua managed to say, though his tone was edging on a shout. “They were dangerous, Gon. If they had -”

“THEY WEREN’T!”

Ah. There went his lid. He hadn’t noticed these feelings until now. Hadn’t known how to voice them either. And it was all bubbling over now, white hot rage burning everything in its way like a volcano that had erupted under way too much pressure. He would hurt Killua. Definitely he would. But maybe if he did, Killua would finally listen.

“They were well informed and that’s how they managed to capture us in the first place. But they were much weaker than us, they knew that, and their entire plan revolved around keeping us in the dark so we wouldn’t dare retaliate. They weren’t dangerous. They could barely hurt us. If you’d just stayed calm down when I told you to, you would have noticed that. You wouldn’t have had to kill them.”

They hadn’t counted on Killua’s habit of lashing out when cornered. How could they? Killua feeling cornered was a once in a blue moon event, no way was there any available data on that.

“I …” Killua didn’t continue. Didn’t know what to say, probably.

“But even if they were what you thought, you shouldn’t have told me to run. We’re stronger together. We could’ve come up with something together. We could’ve escaped together. YOU DON’T GET TO DECIDE WHAT I LIVE AND WHAT I DIE FOR!”

There were a myriad of emotions on Killua’s face. More than Gon could read. He could make out shock by his wide eyes, intimidation by the way he took a step back, anxiety by the way he tucked his head into his shoulders. Gon would work out the rest another time. Help Killua work through his emotions like he so often did. But for the moment, he had to cool his own head. So he turned back around and stalked off. Killua followed, as always, but this time so far behind that Gon could only hear the rustle of Killua’s clothing thanks to his advanced hearing. His footsteps, as always, were perfectly silent.

Chapter Text

Gon may have fucked up.

Not in that he’d yelled at Killua. Or in that he’d hurt him, because by god, that boy needed to be grabbed and shaken until his brain finally connected again, and if hitting him where it hurts once or twice could accomplish that, then that’s exactly what Gon would do.

No, Gon fucked up in the words he had chosen. They were a little bit too reminiscent of This doesn’t concern you! Words he had used to shut Killua out. Words to create distance. Words that had ripped Killua’s heart in half after he had only just finally managed to bring it to life. Worse yet, it wasn’t what Gon had meant. But even now, after a long sleepless night on the roof of their hotel, looking up at the starless sky, Gon couldn’t quite pinpoint what exactly made him so angry, and what exactly he wanted to say. So an apology would have to wait until Gon managed to sort himself out.

However, therein lies the problem. The longer Gon thought about it, the longer he realized that this was a clash that was a long time coming. Looking back on it, he had no idea when it had started building up, this deep reaching frustration with some of Killua’s tendencies and habits. Like hiding behind masks, or pushing Gon away when he was hurting, or being so willing, too willing, to sacrifice himself for Gon. Years and years of watching Killua be … be … Gon didn’t even have a word for it. The longer Gon thought about it, the more things he found that made him angry. Like how Killua flinched away from him and nearly hissed every time Gon tried to hug him. How Killua rarely ever slept and if he did, it was so light that the faintest breeze would wake him up. How he never really seemed to accept Gon’s compliments, bristling and calling him an idiot instead. (That last one was actually hella cute and just made Gon want to pile compliments over compliments on to his friend.)

There were more things, Gon was sure, but his brain was overflowing with examples over examples of only these three and every single one managed to make him angrier. Gon wasn’t even certain who he was so angry at. Killua, for being like this? Killua’s family for making him this way? Himself, for not doing anything about it? It was just like him to never even notice his own frustrations welling up inside of him, only to explode when they finally boiled over. He really had no right to call Killua an idiot when he was the biggest of them all.

The sun was already beginning to rise. He’d thought all night and hadn’t gotten anywhere. It absolutely sucked, but he had to face the truth; he would not be able to figure this out on his own. He needed to talk to somebody. Not Killua. As much as Gon wanted to, there was literally nobody in the world who was worse at dealing with emotions, especially his own. Alluka would just spill absolutely everything to her big brother if he talked to her, which may make things better, but also had the potential to make everything much, much worse. His father was … no. Just no. Which left Bisky and Leorio. Bisky might be the better person to talk to, but a visit to her was sure to be met with another grueling training session and Gon wasn’t sure if he was in the mood for that. So Leorio was his best option. Guess it was time to head to Yorknew.

With … not really a plan but at least a next step in mind, Gon decided to hop off the roof and onto the balcony of their hotel room. Killua was, as expected, already awake. What was a bit less expected was that he was already alert. Despite his sleeping habits, Killua was horrible in the morning and it took at least 3 cups of espresso mixed with horrendous amounts of cream and sugar to get him started into the day. Or a threat to his life. That also did the trick.

“Yo”, he said.

Gon could see through the casual facade in a heartbeat and ah, there it was again. The anger. Nowhere near as all consuming as during his outburst, but a tiny flow of heat simmering softly under his skin. At least he felt it this time. That was progress, right?

“Still mad, huh”, Killua’s shoulders dropped.

Not surprising. Killua was able to read Gon as easily as Gon could read Killua. He decided not to answer.

“Down to visit Leorio?” He asked instead.

Killua frowned. “Sure, but why?”

“It’s been a while. We owe him a visit”, Gon shrugged. “And I need to talk to him.”

Killua notably closed off at those last words and as much as Gon could read his every mood, his thoughts were often a bit harder to grasp. He could only hope that Killua wouldn’t work himself into some kind of frenzy before Gon managed to understand it all enough to talk about it.

Chapter Text

“There are two people I’ve never seen before at my door”, Leorio snarked.

The guilt crashed over Gon like a wave. He put on his widest grin. Who knows, if he was lucky, it would placate Leorio.

“Don’t be like that, Leorio. It’s just us.”

“Us? I don’t know anyone called ‘us’. And I sure as hell don’t know two disloyal scoundrels who don’t call or text or show their face to me for years.”
So much for that.

“Yeah … sorry about that. It’s been a while”, Gon smiled sheepishly.

“Wipe that smile off your face you little shit. You ain’t got no right to smile at me. And then get your asses in here and tell me where on earth you’ve been. You have any idea how many times we’ve tried to get a hold of you?”

Gon laughed a little helplessly, but allowed himself to be ushered into Leorio’s apartment anyway. Killua obediently trotted after him.

Gon let out an impressed whistle when he had a good look around. It wasn’t all that big under most circumstances, but for Yorknew standards, the place was huge. A two story loft, with a spiral staircase leading to the upper half, and a large window overlooking the city. The most striking feature was the hallway full of books on the second floor that Gon could spot even from the living room. It wasn’t indulgently extravagant by any means, but nice enough that it must’ve cost a small fortune in this city.

Then again, Leorio was not just a Hunter, not just a doctor, but also part of the Zodiac. A year's worth of well paying jobs could probably earn Gon enough to buy a place like this. For Leorio, it had to be peanuts by now.

The one thing that was missing was Killua flitting about the place, commenting on everything and anything he found interesting. He could almost see him gracefully twirling around the living room, looking out the huge windows, or checking out the endless bookshelf.

This place is pretty neat. To think you have some actually decent taste, old man.

Yo Gon, check out this view.

Damn, that’s a lot of books. You actually read all of those?

Instead, he stood a few paces behind Gon, looking around discreetly and not uttering a single word. Leorio noticed it too, judging by the way he was frowning at the two of them.

“This place is amazing”, Gon beamed.

“I got it forever ago. Which you would’ve known if you had actually shown your ugly mugs once in a while. Even Kurapika managed to visit a few times.”

Crap. He was not going to let this go anytime soon, was he?

“We’re sorry. Honestly! We’ve just been busy.”

“You’d have better been. You’re gonna sit your asses down and tell me every damn detail of what you’ve been up to. And I swear to god, if I find even a single instance of time where you could’ve dropped in real quick and didn’t -”

So that’s exactly what they did. Leorio’s kitchen was similarly average in size and similarly as good a mix of stylish and cozy as the rest of his apartment, which meant huge and expensive in Yorknew. They duo sat down at the kitchen counter and were promptly given a dr. Pepper and orange juice for Killua and Gon respectively. Their favorite drinks and neither one that Gon could ever recall Leorio drinking. He must’ve kept some there all this time just in case they would visit. Gon felt even guiltier now.

Luckily, Leorio seemed to gradually forget about his irritation as Gon got wrapped up in telling him stories of their adventures. The last time they had met had been, of course, at the Yorknew auction, a year after Gon and Killua’s separation. A lot had happened since then. Gon and Alluka had found mutuals in each other (especially when it came to teasing Killua), and had developed a surprisingly tight friendship. They had gone up against Illumi and while it wasn’t a win, they had managed to drive him away. Alluka had been left on Whale Island, a place remote enough that no one in the Zoldyck family would ever think of looking there. And if they did, they would have to face Ging. Killua and aunt Mito had teamed up and actually managed to guilt trip him into staying for as long as Gon and Killua were gone. From then on, it had been a tag team effort, with Ging and the boys switching between who stays home and who goes adventuring every few months. Killua and Gon had deliberately taken difficult missions that would take them to the furthest corners of the world, so that they could explore and grow together, and also to take home tons and tons of interesting souvenirs for Alluka and aunt Mito. They had scaled impossible mountain ranges, discovered age-old sunken temples, gotten shipwrecked on an island with a gorgeous reef in the middle of nowhere, and gotten lost in a network of underground tunnels and caverns so large, it had its own ecosystem. At some point, even Killua came back out of his shell and joined the retellings. For a few blissful hours, things were back to normal between them, teasing, pushing and bouncing off each other the way they always had. And if Leorio had noticed how long it took Killua to get there, he didn’t comment on it.

---

They cooked dinner together at some point, their conversation pivoting from Gon and Killua’s miscellaneous adventures, to several of Leorio’s more interesting cases of weird Nen induced injuries. Then it veered to the newest news in the Hunter world, then the last several auctions Leorio had attended, then to how Yorknew was changing for the better and the worse, then to how the rest of the world was changing for the better and the worse, and by the time their conversations finally ended, Gon was damn near falling asleep on that counter.

Gon was not sure if he was surprised that Leorio was up earlier than him. On the one hand, Leorio had always been somewhat the lazy bum of the group. On the other hand, Gon knew that doctors often had crazy schedules that would absolutely mess with someone’s rhythm. So Gon mentally classified it as no need to overthink it.

“There’s coffee in the pot on the kitchen counter, if you want any”, Leorio said, vaguely gesturing to the cup in his own hands.

Gon pulled a face. He was fairly certain that he was never going to be a coffee drinker.

“You have some tea instead?” Gon asked.

“Second drawer all the way on the right. There’s a tea kettle next to the fridge, too.”

A few minutes later, Gon had a steaming cup of tea in his hands (Sencha, Gon’s favorite, that Leorio definitely only had because he knew) and sat down on the armchair opposite the couch Leorio sat on. Together, they stared down at the city for a little bit. It was said that Yorknew never slept, but Gon found that in these early morning hours, with just a few specks of color on the horizon and no sun anywhere in sight, with the fog enveloping the city whole, it was definitely waking up from something. Not unlike how Killua was always slow in the mornings, despite rarely ever sleeping.
The thought brought the anger back. The small but distinctive heat gathering under his skin, flowing with just a tiny bit more purpose, a tiny bit more substance than it had last time. It was growing again and if Gon didn’t do anything about it, it would sooner or later explode anew.

“What’s with the frown?” Leorio asked.

Ah. Well, Killua was by far the best at reading Gon, but it wasn’t like Gon was all that good at hiding his emotions to begin with. Problem was, he couldn’t answer. Didn’t really know what to say. Still couldn’t wrap his hands around what he was feeling, why he was feeling it, where it was coming from. How was he supposed to put any of that into words?

“Let me guess”, Leorio said when Gon didn’t answer for a while, “that tension between you and Killua ain't just your new dynamic?”

Gon sighed deeply. “We … got into a fight, I think.”

“You think?”

“I don’t … I’m angry but I”m not … I don’t really understand why. Killua didn’t do anything but I … I …”

Leorio looked at him. A long, unbearably soft look full of empathy and understanding. It almost made Gon want to cry.

“Why don’t you tell me what actually happened?” He said.

So that’s what Gon did. Every single detail, the kidnapping, Gon’s realization, Killua’s panic, Killua’s sacrifice, Gon’s outburst and the million over million tiny things that Killua had done throughout the years that Gon suddenly found made him extremely, unreasonably angry.

“You’ve only ever been angry at specific people, huh”, Leorio said when Gon was done.

“I …guess?” Gon answered.

He didn’t get angry all that often. But when he did? Illumi … the Phantom Troupe … the Greed Island Hunters … Pitou … yeah, he supposed Leorio was right.

“Well, there ain’t no one to be mad at this time, kiddo … Killua’s family maybe, but that’s beside the point.”

Gon cocked his head to the side.

“Point is”, Leorio continued, leaning forward, “what you’re mad at is the situation. This whole damn thing, the fact that things are the way they are. And the problem with things like facts and situations is that you can’t really confront them. Not in the way you need to, anyway. You can’t punch them, you can’t yell at them, you can’t even walk away from them. So now you’re left with all that anger and nowhere to put it. If you never learn how to deal with that, you end up lashing out at the next best person. Which, in your case, was Killua.”

That … hmmm … yeah, that sounded somewhat correct. A little too correct, maybe. There was a tenseness that crept into Gon’s every single muscle with the realization that this wasn’t the first time he had done exactly that. This doesn’t concern you! - had been preceded by a lot of smaller clashes. An unfair lashing out at Killua, every single time it’d been Killua, because he’d been so angry and it had all been so messy and Killua had always just been there. It was similar now, though there was just one decisive difference.

“The things that make me mad”, Gon thought out loud, “why are they all … Killua?”

“Ain’t that obvious?” Leorio asked.

Gon shook his head.

“He’s your best friend, ain’t he? You love that kid to pieces. That thing that happened with you and Pitou and Kite? I’m pretty sure that ain’t nothing compared to the absolute hell you’d make someone go through if they hurt Killua like that.”

If it had been Killua instead of Kite? Gon had never thought about it. Killua was strong. Endlessly, indescribably strong. Nothing and no one could hurt Killua like that, it was nonsense to even entertain the thought, so Gon didn’t. But … what if someone did hurt him? What if he ever had to look at Killua, torn apart and mangled and barely clinging on to life? The thought alone made him angry enough for his aura to flare up, the soft simmering beneath his skin turning into a raging, all-consuming inferno.

“Yeah, like I thought”, Leorio said grimly.

Gon immediately called on his Ten and got his aura back under control. Then, and only then, Leorio continued.

“Now I’m no psychologist, but the things you described? Sounds to me like they’re all signs that Killua is hurting.”

Chapter Text

Killua had been disturbingly quiet since Gon’s explosion. He continued to be so now, doing nothing but looking out the window as the landscape whipped past them at a velocity only a bullet train (or Killua’s Godspeed) could reach. He would fall silent for many reasons, so a quiet Killua in itself could mean anything or nothing. Sometimes it was because he was contemplating something deeply. Sometimes it was because he was observing something or someone before deciding his next move. Sometimes it was because Killua was overwhelmed with emotion and didn’t really know what to do with himself. Gon had gotten pretty good at telling apart Killua’s different types of silences.

Which was why he knew that right now, Killua was spiraling. Gon could tell because of how Killua had stopped walking by his side entirely and was always a few paces behind him. Because of how Killua’s every tiniest movement was more careful, more deliberate. But mostly because of how Killua’s eyes, usually a beautiful collage of every single shade of blue in existence and bright as the lightning he wielded so gracefully, had gradually become dark and dull and lifeless. Gon could feel his anger rising again at the sight again, once more a slow river of magma flowing just beneath his skin. Thanks to Leorio, he recognized it for what it was now.

Gon had not lost control of his Ten again after Leorio had dropped the bomb, but it had been a very near thing. He had been livid, his frustration turning into anger turning into rage turning into damn near madness. If Killua hadn’t rushed into the room, startled awake and highly alert after Gon’s aura flare-up, Gon might have forgotten himself and done something stupid, like rushing to the Zoldyck manor and challenging every single member of the family (and Killua would’ve subsequently had an aneurysm). Instead, he had ignored Killua’s worries and confusion and had walked right past him once again. He didn't have to see Killua’s face to know what he was feeling at that moment. Hurt. Panic. Anxiety. Fear. Despair. Once more, Killua had been bouncing off the walls. Once more, Gon should have grabbed Killua and planted him back on the ground. Once more, Gon couldn’t bring himself to do so. He needed out, needed to clear his mind and get all this anger under control. Away from Killua, away from Leorio, away from these walls that were suddenly way too claustrophobic despite the high ceiling. If he didn’t, he would have unleashed all of his anger on Killua again and Killua didn’t deserve that. Killua never, ever deserved that. Killua deserved only the best, only the kindest, only the warmest and Gon … Gon couldn’t give him that right now. And he knew that, when Killua had tried to run after him only to be stopped by Leorio asking him to give Gon some space, Killua would definitely begin to spiral, if he hadn’t already.

It was so obvious in hindsight that Gon couldn’t believe he had needed it spelled out for him like that. Killua was still hurting. All these little habits, little ticks, little tendencies of his were reminders of Killua’s pain. There had been a growing realization throughout the years that the wounds Killua’s family had inflicted on him were scabbed over, but nowhere near healed. Any scratch, hit, probably even any small touch make them bleed again. And so Killua carried himself carefully, doing everything in his power so they wouldn’t reopen. Even now, drawing in on himself and making himself small and unnoticeable on that stupidly soft seat, Killua was doing exactly that. His latest attempt to sacrifice himself for Gon in his panic-induced frenzy had simply been the straw that broke the camel’s back, forcing Gon to finally open his eyes and become aware of that realization.

It made him angry. So inexplicably angry. So angry, Gon barely knew what to do with himself. Killua should not be hurting. Killua should never be hurting. Killua should be happy and whole and thriving and at peace, always and forever.

He had gone back to Leorio’s place hours later, after going through all the Ren, En and Ken exercises he could think of to exhaust himself, only to find that Killua too, had left. Probably to clear his head as well and get rid of his own excess energy. So Gon had taken this opportunity to talk with Leorio again, asking, begging really, for help. Any way to deal with his own anger so he would stop lashing out at Killua. Or better yet, any way to help him help Killua. After all, if physical wounds could heal when treated correctly, then the same should apply to emotional and mental ones, right? And wasn’t it a doctor's job to heal people’s wounds? But Leorio had just shook his head.

Sorry kiddo, that’s outside of my area of expertise, he had said. What you need is someone like Melody, who can see into people’s hearts.

Fortunately, Leorio knew where to find her and she wasn’t too far away either. A few states north of Yorknew was a city called Tobons which hosted several of the worlds best music conservatories. Melody was currently teaching there while searching through their archives for the Sonata of Darkness. And what’s more; Kurapika was with her.

So Gon had asked Killua if he wanted to head north and visit their friends after he had returned. Killua had agreed, Gon had bought train tickets and that’s how they had landed here, a day later, on the bullet train to Tobons.

The one thing I can tell you for sure is that you owe Killua an apology, Leorio had said as if Gon hadn’t already known that. You’ve left him hanging for days. That stupid brat ain’t nothing more than a bundle of anxiety at this point.

Gon still had questions, still had things he wanted to learn and know and understand. But at least he had gotten to a point where he knew what was happening in his own mind again. It did everything to soothe his mind and give him confidence that he could convey his feelings to Killua properly this time, without fumbling the words and without blowing up on him. They had their own private first class compartment, as was usual for Hunters, and they would be stuck here for another two or three hours. There was no better time.

“Killua?” Killua’s eyes snapped to Gon. “Can we talk?”

His eyes narrowed, not in the way they usually did when Gon had said something that Killua wasn’t entirely sure what to make of. No, this was a guarded narrowing, like he was heightening his awareness. He was anticipating, Gon realized. Watching him like a hawk so he could see the punch coming before it hit him. Gon’s anger rose a little at that. Still just a hot simmering, but the flow of magma under his skin was becoming just that tidbit more pronounced.

“Sure”, Killua finally answered. His eyes stayed focused on Gon. “I’ve had just about enough of this anyway.”

Oh, an opening. Gon was pretty sure he knew what Killua had enough of, but if he pursued that thought a little further, Killua was sure to give him insight into what doomsday scenario he had conjured up this time.

“Enough of what?” Gon therefore parroted.

“Of this! The endless silence and snippy remarks and all this tension. This isn’t like you. If you want me to leave, then do your usual thing and just say it outright.”

… What?

“What?”

“What what?” Killua crossed his arms. “Isn’t that what’s happening here?”

Gon was gaping. Widely. There was nothing else he could do. Killua was smart. So, so smart. So how on earth did he manage to be so utterly stupid on such a regular basis.

“You think I want you to leave?” Gon asked again.

“Well … yeah”, Killua’s eyes narrowed again, now in that much more familiar way that told Gon he wasn’t entirely certain what to make of what he had just said.

“Why on earth do you think I want you to leave?”

“Because you’re mad at me”, Killua said.

“I - no!” Gon still couldn’t make sense of any of this. “I’m not mad. I mean, I am, but not at you. And besides, why would me being mad mean I want you to leave?”

This was obviously a question Killua had not expected. He bristled, muscles tensing and a pretty blush spreading across his cheeks. Gon would admire it if he weren’t so busy being utterly confused.

“But - I - you -” He sputtered. “Didn’t you say -”

“I know what I said”, Gon interrupted him. “And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of it.”

Now it was Killua’s time to gape. Gon waited patiently for him to sort himself out. Killua was smart, he would be able to do that much faster than Gon had.

“Okay, back up”, Killua finally said after what felt like hours even though it couldn’t have been more than a minute. “You were absolutely pissed the last few days. You wouldn’t smile at me, you wouldn’t talk to me - or if you did, you were court and distant - you barely even looked at me!” Gon shrunk further into his seat with every word Killua said. “And now you’re telling me it’s not even because of me?”

“No, it’s because of you”, Gon said.

The effect that had on Killua was stark and immediate. He recoiled like Gon had actually punched him in the gut, and everything about him tensed like he was expecting another.

“It’s because of you that I’m mad”, Gon continued. “But it’s not you I’m mad at.”

Killua relaxed. Marginally.

“Then what are you mad at?” Killua asked tentatively.

Now it was Gon’s time to bristle. He had not expected Killua to ask that question. Which, in hindsight, had been stupid and dumb and also stupid. It was such an obvious thing to ask. He knew the answer now, but somehow he had the feeling that telling Killua would be a horrible mistake and would backfire spectacularly.

“Forget it, you don’t need to tell me”, Killua said, obviously able to see through Gon in a heartbeat.

“I’m sorry”, Gon said again.

“It’s fine”, Killua dismissed him with a handwave.

“It’s not fine”, Gon insisted. “You didn’t do anything wrong but I treated you like you did. I was just so frustrated and upset and so angry and I didn’t know where to put any of it and you were there so I just let it all out on you and that wasn’t okay! None of it was okay! You deserve so much better.”

Killua was getting all flustered, blushing and bristling in that way that was just so adorably Killua.

“I get it, okay?!?” He hissed. “I get it, so stop talking.”

“But I’m not done," Gon protested. “I haven’t told you that I'm really sorry, and that I promise I’ll do better and that I’ll never make you think I don’t want you around again.”

“Gon, please shut up! You’re embarrassing.”

“But it’s true! I’m really, really, super, duper sorry!”

“Okay, yeah fine, you’re sorry, apology accepted. Now will you please stop being so mushy? It’s gross”

“What’s so gross about being mushy?”

“I don’t know! It just is, okay?”

“Can I just say one more thing?”

Killua looked to the ceiling in what had to be a silent prayer, but then he relented and gestured for Gon to continue.

“I want you to tell me if you start thinking I want you to leave again or stuff like that. You’re my best friend Killua, and I love you and I don’t want to lose you. And I’m scared that if you keep these thoughts to yourself, someday you’ll arbitrarily decide they’re true and leave before I can stop you. So if you think them, tell me so I can tell you that you’re wrong.”

Killua’s eyes went huge for a moment, in a way they only ever did when Gon knocked Killua's world off its axis. For that same reason, he would lower his head in an attempt to hide his face behind his hair and try to play it off. Just like he did now.

“Yeah. Sure. Whatever”, Killua said dismissively.

And though he managed to hide his eyes, Gon could still see the wobbly smile on his face. The best thing Gon could do in situations like these was to turn away from Killua, pretend he wasn’t aware of the cacophony of emotions he was going through right now until he managed to catch himself. In this particular situation, that meant Gon had to leave.

“I’m gonna go get something to eat. Should I bring you anything?” He asked.

“Chocolate Robots”, Killua answered in a heartbeat. “As many as they have!”

Gon laughed out loud at that, partly because that was just so Killua, and partly because after so many days, things were finally back to normal between them and it made Gon want to laugh endlessly. He left their compartment with a smile on his face, but then he had taken a few steps, probably just enough for Killua to stop hearing him, for it to fade. Out of their compartment, so soft that it was barely audible even to Gon’s hypersensitive ears, came the distinct sound of Killua’s relieved sobs. A few days ago, they would have made Gon smile. Because even though Killua was crying, they were good tears, healing tears, tears that told him that everything was okay again. But now, Gon understood a little better, a little more. That Killua would only cry when he was by himself because crying was weakness and Killua couldn’t be weak. Another sign of Killua’s hurt. Another wound that hadn’t healed. Another tiny flare of anger that simmered beneath Gon’s skin. Killua was crying good tears, but that wasn’t enough anymore. Now, Gon wanted a world where Killua could freely cry into his shoulder.

Chapter Text

“KURAPIKAAAAAA!”

Gon’s gleeful shout was loud enough to be heard throughout the entire train station, not that he particularly cared. Not when Kurapika had obviously come to fetch them (why else would he be waiting at their platform) and - unlike Leorio - actually looked pleased to see them. So Gon ignored his surroundings, who cared about what some random strangers thought anyway. The moment the train stopped, he made a beeline for Kurapika. He almost managed to reach him too and wrap him up in one of his biggest bear hugs, when Killua managed to catch up with him and pound his head into the ground.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, you stupid oaf?!?” He snarled. “Can’t you act like a normal human being just once and not pull the attention of every single damn person in a 10 kilometer radius on you? And think about your ridiculous strength, you moron! You were totally gonna break Kurapika’s back! You have your entire life to be an idiot, why can’t you just take a single day off!”

Each sentence was accompanied with several stomps to Gon’s back, his protesting whines methodically ignored. Kurapika was just watching wide eyed for a moment, before the amusement took over and the giggles bubbled out of him.

“Glad to see you two are still the same as ever”, he smiled.

So this was what it felt like when everything in the world was right again. Killua was being overdramatic, Kurapika was gently laughing and Leorio was still endlessly complaining over everything and nothing. This, Gon thought, this must be what peace felt like.

“Kurapikaaaa”, Gon smiled widely from the dent in the floor that Killua had beaten him into, “we missed you sooooo much!”

“We?” Killua sneered. “Speak for yourself. I don’t miss people!”

“You don’t miss Alluka and Nanika?”

“I - That’s not - That’s different, okay?”

“What about Aunt Mito?”

“She’s your Aunt!"

“You told me you missed me when -”

“SHUT UP!”

Another kick to the head and Gon’s face was buried in concrete again. Kurapika laughed once more. Killua’s laugh may have been Gon’s favorite, but this one was definitely up there. Then, Gon lifted his head and observed something interesting; Kurapika moved to gently put a hand on Killua, probably to placate him or grab his attention or get him away enough from Gon so he could stand up, but Killua lightly danced just out of reach, so naturally and casually that it didn’t even look like an evasion. But it was one and something suddenly became clear to Gon; Killua did not like being touched. He’d always sort of known. Something inside him had told him that touching Killua in most circumstances would be a bad idea, would cross some kind of invisible boundary, that same instinct that told him close he was allowed to get a wild animal to gain its trust. But most wild animals liked being touched and cuddled and scratched by creatures it trusts. Humans were no different. Which meant that this was another one of Killua’s wounds. He did not know the calming effect of a tight hug, the comfort of cuddling on a couch or a floor, or the bliss that came with head scratches. Gon’s felt his anger rise again, hotter and more suffocating than it had been since his last mini-outburst. He bit his tongue so he wouldn’t say something stupid. Holding back had never been his forte.

“Melody’s not with you?” Gon asked, because this could not continue and he really, really needed to see her and talk to her and get some sort of idea of what the hell he was supposed to do about this!

“She’s teaching right now”, Kurapika answered, holding out a hand to help Gon up, which he took gratefully. “But she’ll meet us for dinner.”

Dinner was … not ideal. Letting Killua know of what was currently occupying his mind and emotions was still a bad idea, and Kurapika … Kurapika …

Wasn’t Kurapika like Killua in some ways? Someone who had been horribly hurt, left with wounds that had barely healed? No, in Kurapika’s case, those wounds hadn’t even begun healing, had they? They were still raw and open and bleeding everywhere. So why did Killua’s pain make Gon so mad, while Kurapika’s only ever made him sad?

“Yo, anybody home?” Killua waved a hand in front of him, ripping him out of his thoughts. “Don’t think so much. Your head might explode.”

“Killua, that’s so meeaaaan” Gon whined and next to them, Kurapika giggled again.

“Enough fighting, you two. Let’s go”, he said.

--

Melody and Kurapika shared a beautiful little townhouse smackdab in the center of the city. Unlike Leorio, they hadn’t bought it, just rented it for the duration of Melody’s teaching contracts. It was only marginally smaller than Leorio’s home, but a lot less personalized, which made sense since they’d only been there for a few months, and only planned on staying there for a couple more. Kurapika and Melody also each had their separate bedroom, which meant no guest bedrooms, which meant Killua and Gon had to crash in the living room, one on the couch and one on the floor. They shared a single glance upon being told this, before the wrestling began.

“You’re getting the couch over my dead body”, Gon yelled.

“HAH! That can be arranged”, Killua snapped back.

Five minutes later, Gon was on the floor, his back being nearly snapped in half by how violently Killua was bending it.

“I give, I give. Uncle. UNCLE!”

Killua let him go with a triumphant sound, one of those little Killua noises that Gon could just gush over forever. Truth be told, Gon was more than happy to let Killua take the couch, but how was he supposed to resist an excuse for play fighting?

“Glad you finally got that sorted out”, Kurapika said.

He had made himself a cup of tea during Gon and Killua’s scuffle, and was calmly sitting at the dining table, sipping it.

“If there’s nothing else, come and sit with me. Leorio told me you two had a fight. Is everything okay?”

Gon and Killua glanced at each other again, before they broke out in big smiles and chanted “All good!”

So they joined him at the table and talked for a while, mostly about how the four of them really had to get together someday soon. There was a bit of reminiscing too, about the Hunter exam and their first time in Yorknew.

“If you’re taking a break from your ... mission, why are you up here with Melody and not in Yorknew with Leorio?” Gon asked. “I know he misses you. Don’t you miss him, too?”

“I’m in Yorknew a lot”, Kurapika answered. “Basically whenever Leorio has a few days off, I hop on the train and visit him for that duration of time. He really has no reason to miss me these days.”

“That’s not true!” Gon protested. “He always misses you! Even if you’re only apart for a day I haven’t seen him in years, but I could still tell immediately. It’s like when Killua and I are separated, I already start missing him after only a few minutes.”

“Wha - I - You can’t just say things like that!” Killua barked, that familiar flustered blush that Gon always found so pretty all over his cheeks.

“But it’s true”, Gon insisted.

“Well, Leorio and I aren’t quite as close as you and Killua are”, Kurapika said, a wistful, almost sad smile on his face. “And Melody has been by my side and supported me for years now. She’s been my anchor and my lifeline. She’s brought me back to the surface whenever I was drowning and breathed air back into my lungs whenever I was suffocating. She deserves the same support she’s given me now that she’s finally found a clue to fulfilling her goals.”

That … was fair. More than fair. Kurapika and Melody had been pretty much joined at the hip since their adventure in Yorknew all these years ago, and it had been obvious that it was Melody who was following Kurapika around, caring for him and assisting for him, not the other way around. Kurapika was too smart and too sensible to take that for granted.

“Besides”, Kurapika continued, “Spending time with Leorio is … nice. A little too nice. So nice, I become afraid I’ll forget all about what I’ve been living and fighting and suffering for all these years. I can’t have that now, can I?”

Gon was about to argue. Was about to ask why not and what’s so wrong with that and do you not want to be happy, but then realization hit him like lightning; the crucial difference between Killua and Kurapika. Kurapika didn’t want to be healed. He was hurt and wounded and he carried those wounds with pride, affection even, nursed them, cradled them, all so that they’d stay open and continue to bleed. Gon had always understood instinctually that there was no healing someone who didn’t want to be treated and so had been forced to accept Kurapika’s pain early on.

But Killua was trying to move on. Was moving on. With every decision in his life, starting from the moment he had left the Zoldyck manor, Killua was working towards becoming a better person, someone who was happy, someone who was whole. And he had made major steps towards that, but there were so many small wounds Killua probably didn’t even notice were there or couldn’t reach, and that wouldn’t heal if someone didn’t patch them up for him. Killua wanted to heal. He was trying so hard to heal. And that’s why him being hurt in the first place made Gon so unreasonably angry. He couldn’t wait to talk to Melody. He had to talk to Melody.

And as if Kurapika had read his mind, he put a stop to the current conversation.

“It’s just about time to get going”, he said, standing up. “We don’t want to leave Melody waiting, do we?”

Chapter Text

Dinner with Melody and Kurapika was simultaneously wonderful and torturous. Wonderful because he was surrounded by friends and Gon and Killua were telling them the same stories they had told Leorio two days prior, except this time it was a team effort from the very beginning, and Melody and Kurapika were both delighted to hear them. They laughed when one of them described another’s antics (seriously, how vain could Killua be, trying to measure up to actual lighting in the midst of a storm), gasped when the moments go tense (Gon was never going to regret nearly becoming swiss cheese when he activated that trap in the temple, there had been a litter of orphaned baby deercats that needed to be rescued and adopted), and ‘aawed’ when a conflict resolved in ways that could only be described as heartwarming (the half dead explorers they had come across and rescued had not part of their mission, but watching the reunite with their families had been worth abandoning it for).

Torturous because Melody was right there, right there, and Gon had to be patient and wait until dinner and pleasantries were over to get to talk to her in private. He had so many questions, so many hopes, so many things he needed her advice and guidance on. Gon didn’t do patience. Of all the things Gon didn’t do, patience was all the way up there on the list.

The food was delicious though.

By the time dinner was over, Gon was practically vibrating out of his skin and he still couldn’t talk to Melody because they were making their way back home as a group and what was Gon even supposed to say to get Melody alone. In fact, what was he supposed to say to Melody at all? It was like with Leorio, he had so many thoughts and feelings that it clogged up his brain and left him speechless and paralyzed.

But then, Melody gently tugged on his shirt, signaling for him to slow down just a little bit with her. Kurapika and Killua noticed, Gon was sure of it, but didn’t acknowledge it and continued on with their pace and conversation. Gon nearly choked up. Every single one of his friends was so attentive and so sensitive and so forthcoming and helpful and sometimes he didn’t know what he had done to deserve it all.

“Are you all right?” Melody asked quietly, effectively bringing Gon back to planet earth. “Your heartbeat sounds agitated.”

“I …” still didn’t really know what to say to breach the topic.

“Leorio said you needed to talk to me. Would you like to do that now?”

“... yes please.”

Melody smiled sweetly at him, before turning to their friends. “Kurapika, Killua, Gon and I will be going back to my office. We’ll see you later, okay?”

“Of course”, Kurapika answered. “Be careful, all right?”

Killua didn’t say anything, but the slight tint of anxiety in his eyes did not go unnoticed by Gon. Their little talk on the train hadn’t been entirely enough to quell his worries, it seemed. Gon briefly wondered what else he had to do to make Killua believe, one hundred percent believe, that Gon would always never want him to leave, no matter what, if Killua was even capable of believing it, and the thought made his blood turn into magma under his skin again.

“Let’s go”, Gon said briskly.

---

Melody could enter the universities at any time in the day as part of her contract. As a music hunter, she was extremely sought after and most conservatories would not be able to afford her services as a teacher. So instead, she had asked for normal pay, as well as the keys to the building and archives, so she may search through them outside of her classes. All three universities in Tobons had been more than happy to oblige.

This made for an extremely convenient office to talk in. Most students and teachers had long gone home, the ones that were left were either cramming in the libraries, or rehearsing in the music rooms. No one would bother them for the rest of the night. Which meant Gon and Melody could take their sweet time to unravel the mess in Gon’s head.

“I hear anger in your heart”, Melody said, sitting down on her office chair. “Is that why you wanted to talk to me?”

She sure as hell wasn’t wasting any time. All the better for Gon. He took the chair opposite her and let out a long sigh.

“Exactly”, he said softly. “To use Leorio’s words; I’m left with tons of anger and nowhere to put it. I need to learn how to deal with that so I stop lashing out at the people around me. Can you help me with that?”

“Maybe”, Melody answered. “Maybe not. To be honest, the sound of your heart has always confused me. It’s erratic, whimsical and nonsensical, unlike any other I’ve ever heard. I can’t promise I can teach you how to conduct a song that I don’t understand”

Gon didn’t understand half of the metaphors Melody was using.

“But I will try my best," Melody continued. “Do you know what’s making you so angry to begin with?”

That he did (thank you again Leorio) and so he answered without hesitation. Told her everything that had happened in the last few days to get him to this point, and all the things he’d remembered and realized and understood from the last few years. He told her every single detail. The longer he talked, the more Melody’s frown deepened, and the more agitated Gon became.

“That’s a difficult problem”, Melody said thoughtfully. Then, much to Gon’s relief, her face brightened. “But it’s not unsolvable.”

Gon was about to lead from his chair and cheer when Melody started up again.

“However, it will not be easy. It will take love, time, and effort. And you will need patience. Lots and lots of patience. Do you have that?”

Patience. Of course it would be patience. Why did it always, always have to come back to patience? From being allowed to participate in the Hunter exam, to learning Nen, to rediscovering and mastering his Nen, to being allowed to take on higher classed Hunter missions, to winning Nanika’s trust and affection, everything always took patience. Why wasn’t there a single problem in this world he could just barrel through with brute force? But for Killua … just for Killua …

“As much as I need!” Gon declared. “I’ll pull every last drop of patience out of me if I have to, and when I have no more left, I’ll go find more or make some myself. Whatever it takes! So please … please …”

That declaration seemed to please Melody. Which was good. Gon was doing something right. Finally.

“In order for you to get your anger under control, you need to understand that it’s just a symptom,” Melody explained. “It originates from hurt. If you’re angry, it’s because something or someone has hurt you. It’s a protective mechanism to put emotional distance between you and the thing that has hurt, so that it may not continue to hurt you more.”

Oh! Gon could understand that!

“Like a wounded animal that hurts anyone who gets too close to it to protect itself!” He exclaimed.

“It’s similar, yes. Although the melodies of the heart are always a bit more complex than those of the flesh. Like Leorio has told you, you’re angry because you’ve come to realize that Killua is hurting. And if hurt is the source of anger -”

“- then I’m hurting because Killua is hurting?”

What an odd thought. But Melody just smiled and nodded.

“That’s called empathy. It’s something you have in spades, though your use of it is … let’s just say a little blotchy.”

Gon wasn’t sure if he’d just been complimented or insulted. “So if I want to get rid of that anger, I have to make it so Killua’s not hurting anymore?”

“That would be the most ideal way for the both of you, yes."

That suited Gon just fine. He’d planned on doing that anyway, had already asked Leorio to help him do exactly that. The only problem was …

“Can you tell me how to do that?”

Melody chuckled, though it was an oddly sad noise. “A good therapist would be ideal, but I doubt you could get him to visit one anytime soon.”

“A therapist is like a doctor for injuries of the heart, correct?”

Melody nodded and … yeah, no. He could barely ever get Killua to go to a normal doctor, there was no way he would ever willingly go to one that was all about healing injured hearts. Hell, he could almost hear Killua scoff at the very idea of emotional wounds.

“So if that’s off the table, then what do I do instead?” Gon asked.

Melody hmmd, weaved her head side to side as if listening to a song only she could hear. Gon could feel himself growing more on edge with every passing second. The answer was so close. Just a little bit longer, just a tiny bit more patience, just a teensy bit -

“I don’t know”, Melody smiled sweetly and Gon was just about ready to flip the table.

“What do you mean you don’t know?!?” He nearly yelled, though his tone was very reminiscent of the whine of a kicked puppy. Melody stayed calm.

“What I mean is, I don’t know Killua as well as you do. I’m fairly certain nobody does. That makes you uniquely qualified to find out what exactly needs to be done to heal Killua’s wounds. Think of it as a hunt. You are a Hunter, are you not?”

“But - but - I -” He didn’t like this. It wasn’t fair. Where was he even supposed to start?

“Don’t worry, I won’t send you away just with this. You came to me because I can hear the sound of a heart and all the things it reveals. So I will tell you everything I know about Killua’s heart.”

The following hours were difficult. There was a lot Gon didn’t understand and Melody had to explain to him several times over. Lucky for him, she did so with the patience of a saint.

“The sound of a heartbeat is reminiscent of a song”, she explained. “There are melodies and harmonies, often many of them. There is a beat and there is accompaniment. Instruments that play along with the melody, some of them play simpler tunes, some of them more complicated ones.”

Gon didn’t understand music, but he understood life and that it too, was made out of many elements. There were people he loved and who loved him, there were activities he loved doing, there were goals and aspirations, food he enjoyed and food he hated. There was sunshine and rain, forests and cities, summer and winter, good times and bad times and all of it put together is what made up a life.

“When I met Killua, his heartbeat consisted of a single melody. It was a lonely sound, played in pianissimo. But although the key was in minor, the melody didn’t sound unhappy. Quite the opposite actually, it sounded like it was played giocoso. But with a key like that, it could be played trionfante and the underlying sadness and pain would still come through.”

Gon had no idea what half of these words meant at first, but got the gist after several explanations; back when they were twelve, there was only a single thing that made life worth living for Killua. Gon had a sinking feeling he knew what that one thing was, but decided not to dwell on it. Not now, anyway. Killua had been content with that on the surface, maybe even happy, but at the end of the day, that happiness had been just skin deep.

“There’s a little bit more to Killua’s song now”, Melody continued. “I can hear a beat playing together with the melody. Even a few small notes here or there, as if something is attempting to harmonize. It’s playing in piano now, too. Sometimes even mezzo-piano.”

Which basically meant that there was a little more to Killua’s life now, more than just that one purpose keeping him tethered. And slowly but surely, a few more things were trying to creep their way into his life.

“Imagine a song”, Melody said, “any song that you know or have heard at some point. There are parts where the singer stops singing or the drummer stops drumming, but the rest of the ensemble continues and the song still feels whole. That wouldn’t work if the song had as few components as Killua’s does. If the melody were to stop for whatever reason, the beat would be the only thing left to carry on the song. And if the beat stopped, the melody would have to continue all on its own again. Such a thing could barely be called a song anymore, wouldn’t you agree?”

Gon understood this without further explanation. It was one thing to sing or hum a song to yourself. But that only worked because he always knew there was more to the actual song than just that singing or humming. A song consisting of only that really would feel terribly lonely.

“Healing Killua’s heart means finding more things to play together with the beat and the melody. Perhaps a few harmonies, maybe a guitar and a bass, or maybe a violin and a cello. Perhaps even something more complicated, played by a polyphonic instrument like a piano or a harp, that could create a full sound all by itself.”

More words Gon didn’t understand, more explanations to follow. Basically, the things that made life worth living for Killua were currently extremely limited and Gon would have to help Killua find more of those. Which was absolutely something Gon could do!

“That will not be easy though”, Melody of course had to shatter his optimism again. “Right now, Killua’s song is dissonant and complex, as if designed to be as difficult to accompany as possible. Only very few, highly skilled players with similarly whimsical melodies could hope to harmonize with him.”

Ah. What had Melody called his heartbeat earlier? Erratic, whimsical and nonsensical. That had to be the musical explanation for why he and Killua had become such good friends.

“In order for the song of his heart to become fuller, you must first calm the melody. Find the dissonant chords, the tempo changes, anything that is so out of place, it throws the entire song into disarray. Smooth it out until it works somewhat cohesively and more elements will come to join the song all by itself.”

This one took a bit longer for Gon to understand, mostly because even after the explanation of the musical terms, there were ways to misunderstand this in ways Gon didn’t like. It wasn’t like he wanted to change Killua straight up, didn’t care to make him more sociable or approachable, or even just nicer. Killua was fine the way he was. It took several different explanations for Gon to understand that ‘smoothing out the song’ meant the same things as ‘treating the injuries’. Melody even worked through an example with him so he had an idea how to go about it.

“Give me one of those signs that you were talking about”, she said.

“He doesn’t like to be touched”, sprung to Gon’s mind, probably because he’d only just discovered that one earlier today.

“Do you know why he doesn’t like to be touched?”

“Knowing his family, it’s because he was never touched nicely. They only ever beat him or tortured him or did other unspeakable things in their attempt to make him ‘their ultimate assassin’. As if he was ever going to be one. Killua’s too kind-hearted for that.”

“So then put that into this phrase; Killua doesn’t like touch because he associates it with …?”

“Killua doesn’t like touch because he associates it with … pain.”

Oh. It was beginning to dawn on Gon, the way he needs to approach this and think about this. How to put it into words that made it understandable on more than just a vague or instinctual level and that would allow him to take things a little further.

“Killua doesn’t like touch because he’s been conditioned to think that touch equals hurt”, he said again. It was the same statement, but this phrasing made it a bit easier for his brain to swallow. “And even if he knows better now on a logical level, his heart still hasn’t learned otherwise. Something inside him is still deeply convinced that if someone touches him, it will hurt.”

“Very good”, Melody smiled, accentuating her praise with a soft clap. “The next step is to put into words what you want him to associate touch with instead.”

“With love and care”, Gon answered. “I want him to think that a touch is a nice thing, that it can feel good and comfortable, and that people touch him because they love and care about him. I want to dismantle what he’s been conditioned to think, and let him make his own associations. If he does that, he’s bound to come to understand how nice a friendly touch can be!”

“See? That wasn’t so hard”, Melody said again. “It’s simple in concept, but the only reason you did it so easily is because you know Killua so well. Now apply this to as many of those little signs that you can find and the melody of Killua’s heart should slowly but surely smooth out.”

Yeah … yeah, Gon could do that. He wanted to do that. For Killua, he wanted to do everything he could, so long as Killua wanted it, too. And after his revelation about Kurapika earlier today, Gon was one hundred percent sure Killua would want this, too. He couldn’t wait to tell him all about it.

“Now make sure you keep all of this a secret from Killua”, Melody said.

Once more, Gon wanted to flip the table.

“Why?!?” He nearly bellowed.

“Don’t you think that, if Killua was anywhere near ready to talk and confront those inner wounds of his, you’d have a chance of dragging him to see a therapist?”

Gon had no answer to that. No, that wasn’t right. He had an answer and the answer was that Melody was correct, but he didn’t like that answer and so he pretended he had no answer to that.

“Fine”, he relented. “I’ll keep quiet.”

Now, there was only one problem left to solve.

“So … how do I actually get him to enjoy touches?”

Melody smiled again, this time a little sheepish, and Gon just knew he wouldn’t like the answer.

“That, I’m afraid, is something you’ll have to figure out for yourself.”

Chapter Text

Gon didn’t like this.

He had never been a fan of making decisions for other people. He didn’t like deciding what they did or thought or wanted. After all, nobody knows you better than yourself. Deciding for other people had therefore always seemed … presumptuous. Patronizing, even. And yet, everything in Gon screamed that Melody was correct. That confronting Killua with this newfound knowledge about him would backfire in ways he couldn’t even imagine. That Killua was not ready to hear about it, talk about it, do anything about it.

This, however, left Gon with a completely different dilemma. If telling Killua about this was not going to work, he would not be able to make a decision about it. Which should mean that the best course of action would be to wait until Killua was ready, or until he somehow figured it out on his own. Killua was smart, there was no doubt he would do so sooner rather than later. But … but … that just seemed so … wrong! To leave Killua the way he was, not knowing the warmth of a hug, not knowing how light you could feel after clinging to someone while crying your eyes out, not knowing the bleary peace that followed a good night’s sleep. It felt wrong to decide for Killua that he needed healing. It felt even more wrong to not heal him at all.

What Gon wanted to do, really really wanted to do, was tell Killia about all he’d learned in the last few days, especially last night. Not telling him just seemed so wrong. He trusted Killua. Trusted him to make the right decisions, to know what he wanted, to speak up if didn’t agree with something. Killua was Killua. Strong and smart and kind and just overall amazing. Killua always had the answers. Killua always knew what to do. Killua’s jugement was always correct.

Right?

The thought had crossed his mind once before, the last time they’d been captured and Killua had told him to run and Gon had just lost it. All those years ago, when they were on Greed Island in the midst of that dodgeball match, and Killua had kept quiet about his hands. He’d thought, at the time, that Killua wanted to win just as badly as Gon did. That giving his hands was his decision, he would make it because he wanted to and for no other reason. He was the only one Gon trusted to neither flinch away, nor force himself to endure for Gon’s sake. And even if he didn’t, who was Gon to tell Killua what to do with his own body? It wasn’t up to Gon to decide what Killua lives or dies for.

Killua had a habit of doing that. Just like he had decided that Gon wanted him gone after he’d blown up on him. In fact, if there was one thing that actually annoyed him about Killua, it was that he would constantly make decisions for other people like that all by himself. Gon didn’t like that. He didn’t want to do that.

Except … he already did, didn’t he? Wasn’t that why he kept stopping Killua from sacrificing himself for others? Wasn’t that why he yelled at Killua every time he did something that could truly endanger his life? Because Gon thought he was giving up way too easily and wanted him to stop? Because he thought Killua needed someone to make the correct decision for him in those cases? If someone isn’t in the right state of mind to make a decision, is it okay for someone else to make those decisions for them?

“Killua …” Gon started.

“Hmm?”

Killua was walking ahead of him. A welcome sight after the last few days of him dejectedly trotting several steps behind Gon.

“Did you ask Alluka and Nanika if they wanted to stay on Whale Island before we brought them there?”

“Come on Gon, you know how they are”, Killua said, turning around to face him. “If I’d asked ‘do you want to stay with me’, Alluka would have enthusiastically said yes. If I’d asked ‘do you want to stay at Gon’s house’, she would have just as enthusiastically said yes. If I’d asked ‘would you rather stay with me or stay at Gon’s house’ she would have said ‘whatever onii-chan thinks is best’. And Nanika rarely ever says anything other than ‘okay’ anyway.”

Gon cocked his head to the side. “So you just decided for them what was best? Without even asking?”

Killua sighed deeply and looked away. “Do you remember why you suggested we bring them to Whale Island in the first place?”

Gon hummed for a second, recalling the details before answering. “You said you were worried because Alluka wasn’t developing any agency of her own, even after you brought her out of the manor. So I said: ‘Whale Island is peaceful and full of nature, the perfect environment to learn how to take care of yourself. And it’s so remote, Illumi will never think of searching there. She’ll be safe, and she’ll get to learn to make her own decisions’. Right?”

Killua turned around and continued walking. “Right.”

Gon hopped a few steps to catch up to him, and then kept pace. Since he didn’t have anyone else he wanted to talk to, they’d decided to stay in Tobons until they knew where to go next.

“It’s not good for her to be so overly dependent on me,” Killua continued. “But I couldn’t let her out of my reach and had to make every decision for her. If she can’t get away from me at least a little bit, she won’t ever get into a situation where she has to make a decision for herself. And if she never gets into such a situation, she’ll never learn how to, she’ll be dependent on me all her life. If she’s not allowed to learn how to live outside of my periphery and my decision making, then it doesn’t matter how much of the world I show her. She’ll still be living in a golden cage.”

Gon frowned. “But what if she’s happy in that cage? What if she doesn’t want to be taken out?”

This had Killua hesitating. He hadn’t thought that far, Gon realized. Too concerned with what he thought the other person wanted to ever entertain the possibility that the person might want something else. The answer that he finally came up with however, surprised Gon.

“Then she can decide to go back in there once she knows what it’s like to fly.”

Gon’s eyes went wide while Killua looked up at the sky, almost as beautiful a blue as his eyes. There was a long moment of silence in which both boys stood still, staring.

“If she never learns to fly”, Killua continued, his voice a pained whisper, “then having her choose between the cage and the sky isn’t really much of a decision at all, is it?”

“No”, Gon answered, almost equally quiet. “It’s really not.”

“And that’s why I made the decision for her”, Killua shrugged, beginning to walk again. “That happens sometimes, you know? Someone’s not capable of making the right decision, so you have to make it for them. Or someone can’t properly evaluate all of the options, so you have to show them.”

“So long as they want to be shown”, Gon added sternly.

Killua hummed at that, but didn’t answer. It was all Gon needed to know he didn’t entirely agree (if at all), which explained a little bit how Killua had such an easy time making decisions for other people.
But also, that little asterisk aside, Killua wasn’t exactly … wrong. It wasn’t fair for Alluka to decide she liked being dependent if she didn’t know what independence felt like. Had the dodgeball game been a similar situation? Had it been fair of him to allow Killua to destroy his hands for Gon when he’d barely spent time outside of a world where he had the freedom to do anything else? Or should Gon have put a stop to it? Had Killua not been capable of making the right decision and needed Gon to make it for him? Or had Gon been correct not to encroach on Killua’s autonomy, no matter what he decided?

Gon shook his head to expel the thought. There was no use mulling over things so far in the past, so he decided to focus on the present instead. It wasn’t fair to let Killua decide that he didn’t like being touched if all he knew was touch that would hurt. It wasn’t fair to let him decide he wanted to always stay vigilant if he’d never had a good night's sleep. It wasn’t fair to let him continue to stay injured if he didn’t know how good it feels for the wounds to be healed. But still, unlike Killua, Gon couldn’t just make the decision for him willy nilly. Even if he was one hundred percent sure that Killua wanted to heal, wanted to move forward, wanted be whole, Gon still needed to know.

“Killua”, he started again.

“Hmmm?”

“You still want to be a normal kid, right?”

Killua narrowed his eyes at him, that familiar ‘what on earth is he on about?’ narrow.

“As much as someone who became a pro Hunter at 13 can be normal, I guess.”

“Do you want my help with that?”

Killua laughed at that. A beautiful ringing that Gon wanted to hear every minute of every day. “You’re already helping me with that, stupid.”

He was? That was news to him. But it was as good a confirmation as any. Killua wanted to heal. And Killua would accept Gon’s help. Even if he wasn’t ready to talk about and confront it all yet, Killua would still work towards it. So Gon stopped in his tracks, put on his brightest smile, and opened his arms wide.

“Then hug me!” He beamed. “Give me the biggest bear hug you can muster!”

Killua stopped for just a minute to look at him as if he had lost his marbles.

“Alright, that’s it” he declared. “You finally overheated. All that thinking you’ve been doing lately has officially fried your brain.”

He did a weird explosion motion with his hands that was definitely overdramatic and also definitely Killua, before turning back around and continuing to walk. Problem was, there was a real chance Killua was right, so Gon couldn’t even argue. Instead, he hopped to catch up to Killua again.

“Killuaaaaaa!” He cried. “Wait up!”

Chapter Text

Tobons was a surprisingly historic city, especially considering how close it was to Yorknew. There were museums on every corner, renaissance reenactments left and right, and a plethora of tiny alleyways that looked like time had just stood still 200-something years ago. Kurapika had given them a whole list of things to do here, but seeing how they planned on staying a few days, Gon and Killua had decided on taking today to just wander around and see the sights.

Thing was, since their talk about Alluka had concluded, Gon was more occupied observing Killua than the city. Because with that last moral hurdle cleared, Gon was finally free to start taking action. Melody had told him to work on as many of Killua’s inner injuries as he could find (he had settled on calling them that. There was probably a proper word to describe such things, but Gon didn’t know it.) Gon did know of a few of them; how shy Killua was when complimented, his reluctance (or maybe inability) to properly sleep, his extreme aversion to touch, and the entire thing that had started it all, that god awful habit of sacrificing himself for Gon when things got hairy.

But Gon gave every bet that there was more. Small things he’d probably picked up on, but never recognized consciously (which seemed to be a theme with this entire episode). And so, he was keeping a constant eye on Killua, looking for any sign of something that was slightly off, yet distinctly felt like Killua.

Killua, of course, noticed this. Gon doubted that anyone who had mastered Ten would not notice this. Just like he doubted that anyone who had mastered Ten would not be able to feel the unsettled vibes basically radiating off of Killua. Gon could almost hear the gazillion questions racing through his head. But no matter how freaked out Killua was about Gon’s admittedly odd behavior, he still didn’t ask. He hadn’t asked once since that train ride and Gon wasn’t sure if that was just Killua respecting his boundaries, or if this was something that should be classified as an inner injury

That little quirk aside, the entire day was perfectly normal and relaxing. They walked down the river towards the ocean, which eventually turned into a race to see who could reach it first. Killua won, but he had used Godspeed at some point, to which Gon called cheating. They jumped from rooftop to rooftop in a long street of old townhouses, which also eventually turned into a race to see who could reach the end of the street first. Gon won that one because Killua overestimated his jumping prowess between two separate roofs, didn't bothered using Gyo, and fell flat on his face. Gon laughed at him and called karma. They stood next to the tallest skyscraper and bet on who could reach the top if they jumped using Ko. It ended in a draw, both of them managing to reach about halfway up the building (which was still sixty meters and had several people stopping in their tracks to gawk in awe).

Then they spent the rest of the day lazing around in the Tobons Public Garden, and it’s here where Gon noticed another little oddity.

It was mid November and while it wasn’t debilitatingly cold yet, it was still cold enough that going out without a thick enough jacket and a hat was a surefire way to catch a cold. Gon had done a thousand tiny things to warm up throughout the day; got a cup of hot tea at every second store they passed, continuously blew on his fingertips to warm them up, and bought himself one of those nifty pocket warmers.

Killua on the other hand, didn’t even acknowledge that the cold was there, despite the fact that he had to be feeling it. He was only wearing a (admittedly comfortable looking) sweater, but his fingertips and lips had a blue tinge to them and try as he might, he couldn't keep down the occasional shiver. Gon idly remembered that Killua did something similar when it was hot, never splashing any water on himself to cool himself down, complain about the heat, or even acknowledge it at all. Gon had thought at the time that maybe Killua was just immune to heat like he was to electricity or poison, but if Gon concentrated really hard, he could vaguely remember that Killua hadn't been sweating any less than Gon, was getting breathless faster than usual, and took longer to recover after they'd powered themselves out. o Killua wasn’t immune, and he suffered from strong temperatures, but still refused to allow himself any reprieve from them. Definitely an inner injury.

---

They ended up spending another week in Tobons, amazingly without incident or getting involved in anything crazy (Killua was convinced that the reason they kept getting swept up life endangering shenanigans even when they weren’t on missions was because Gon somehow attracted them. The odd visit from Illumi aside, his travels alone with Alluka had been perfectly peaceful thank you very much.) They would spend one half of the day buried in the archives of one of Tobons’ three music conservatories, either with Melody or with Kurapika. Whenever they weren’t buried under mountains of sheet music, Kurapika took them to one fun thing after another. They watched a game in the country’s oldest Major League Baseball stadium (all three of them were amazed that every single player on that field was a Nen user, though Gon would give every bet that not a single one of them actually knew that), took part in the reenactment of the historical Tobons Coffee Party, went to what Kurapika swore was the best Pizzeria in town (where Gon and Killua inevitably started an eating contest that just as inevitably got them kicked out of the establishment), visited a fine arts museum that had Gon utterly fascinated (much to everyone’s surprise), a robotics museum that had Killua utterly fascinated (much to absolutely nobody’s surprise), went whale watching on the boat, which Gon and Killua turned into a whale hunting competition (this earned them a few hours a jail, and the mug shots they took with them when Kurapika and Melody came to bail them out showed Killua grinning like a Cheshire cat and Gon looking like world had just ended), and went shopping at a farmer’s market that easily spanned 5 kilometers and offered fish so fresh, it gave the catch from Whale Island a run for its money according to Gon.

Of course, throughout all of that, Gon continuously kept an eye on Killua, trying to find as many of his inner injuries as he could. He also spent several nights lying awake in bed, trying to remember as many as he could. His efforts in that week ended up being very fruitful.

A little too fruitful, really. Halfway into the week, Gon was beginning to lose track of all the little things he found. That’s how he ended up being oddly fascinated by a tiny little notebook that he spotted in the window of a corner shop downtown, its cover a gorgeous mosaic of blues that reminded him so much of Killua’s eyes, it took his breath away.

“YO GON, WE’RE GONNA LEAVE YOU BEHIND!” Killua cried from several meters down the street, and that’s how Gon knew he’d been staring a little too long.

“Found something interesting?” Kurapika asked when Gon had caught up to them.

“Hmmm … maybe?” Gon answered.

That was one hundred percent the truth. Gon was absolutely not the studious type, so he had never really made a habit of taking notes. Subsequently, he’d never had a need for - or an interest in - notebooks unless it involved school. He didn’t really plan on changing that, so he pushed that little discovery to the back of his mind. And yet, that odd sense of fascination he had with that tiny book wouldn’t quite leave him. He just knew somehow, that it would be of invaluable assistance to him (the color of its cover may or may not add to Gon’s fascination with it.)

So when they were done with their activities for that day (it was the day they’d gone to the robotics museum) and were on their way to one of the conservatories, Gon split with them for a while, promising that he would meet them in the archives, and went to find that little corner store. The notebook was tiny enough to fit in his back pocket and that’s where it stayed until all four of them went back home for dinner, where all four of them worked together to make Sushi (it was a very confusing evening for Melody, since she neither knew the dish, nor the inside jokes that Gon, Killua and Kurapika shared amongst each other).

From that day on, every evening while Killua was in the bath, Gon took out that little notebook of his and recorded his findings. A few days later, the list had become worryingly big.

There was the obvious, of course. Touch aversion, chronic sleep deprivation, inability to take compliments (still insanely cute), and the entire ‘sacrificing himself’ thing.

Then there were the things that Gon had observed throughout the week, like his refusal to recognize uncomfortable weather conditions. He had also turned down every single one of Melody’s or Kurapika’s offers to treat him or invite him to something. This alone wouldn’t bother Gon too much, if it wasn’t for the fact that Killua didn’t even accept sweets or chocolate as gifts. When Kurapika had offered to pay for his ice cream one afternoon and Killua had refused, that’s when Gon knew that this was definitely an inner injury. The matter of food in general looked to be a complex issue. Killua seemed to not enjoy eating anything that wasn’t sweet. Or at the very least, he always looked at his food as if it had somehow offended him before he ate it. How long he actually took to touch his food differed depending on who gave it to him. If he got it from Gon, there was just a split second of conflict on Killua’s face before he began eating. If it was from Melody or Kurapika, he needed several seconds and always wore a pensive frown. If they ate out, Killua straight up refused to touch his food until everyone else on the table had started eating. He always played it off well, acting like he was distracted by conversation, or politely waiting, or other such little tricks. But no matter how good or subtle he was, he couldn’t get past the combined might of Gon’s observational skills and him just knowing Killua.

Then there were the things that Gon had picked up over the years, but only consciously realized were there during the nights he spent thinking about this. Like how, the night after the ice-cream thing, Gon suddenly found that Killua had never, ever asked him for anything, ever! Really, the only person he ever asked anything of was Nanika. There was how Killua used to always trail a few paces behind Gon, and still did once in a while, like the days after Gon’s little blowup. Killua also really didn’t like to get medical treatment. He could have every single bone in his body broken and he would still try to find some way to talk Gon out of dragging him to see a doctor. Worse yet, he actually succeeded half the time. Then there was how Killua had flinched when Gon had told him that yes, he was mad at him. As if he had expected Gon to … to lash out. In more than just words. Which brought forth the next problem; how easily Killua had convinced himself that Gon wanted him gone. All these years and all the things they’d gone through together, and Gon being mad at Killua just once had been enough for Killua to think that he wasn’t wanted anymore. That one was probably the one that hurt the most, though second place easily went to how drastically Killua acted when he was under the impression he’d done something wrong (whether or not the impression was accurate is unimportant for this chapter’s inner monologue). He’d stop eating anything sweet for weeks, run until he vomited, pushed his electricity until he passed out from the pain, or in one spectacular case, threw himself in front of a goddamn train.

With every single thing Gon found, he could feel that now familiar heat simmering underneath his skin, getting hotter, heavier, stronger. Every single time, he had to recall Melody’s words.

Don’t suppress the anger when it rises, she had told him. Suppression means it will continue to build until it explodes once again. Try to use it instead. Anger makes you tunnel-visioned and irrational. Those are both strong traits when you need to focus on a problem and think outside of the box to reach a conclusion.

The problem was, he never got that far. Killua was often out of the bath in the middle of him finishing the second set of instructions Melody had given him.

It will take time until you can freely use the energy your anger gives you. Until then, you will find that it wields you instead of you wielding it. If that happens, take a step back. Take deep breaths until you can control your thoughts again for just a moment. Then, scream into a pillow, clench your fists, go for a run, whatever you need to do to get just enough energy out of you until it no longer controls you. Then use whatever is left to work through the problem.

Gon had found parkouring to be the best exercise. It was strenuous enough to release some of his anger, and required enough focus so his mind couldn’t continue wandering and make him even more angry. By the time he returned, he felt a gritty sort of determination to tackle whatever observation he had written down today, but couldn’t because Killua was out of the bath and would surely pry if he caught Gon writing notes in a notebook.

By the end of the week, Gon had decided that he needed something to distract Killua. If he could just have an hour or two more in the day without Killua by his side (holy hell, that felt so wrong to even think), he could surely learn to use that anger properly. It would most definitely help him work through the next step on the path to treating Killua’s inner wounds; understanding exactly what had caused them.

And so, Gon ended their week in Tobons by looking up at Killua lying on the couch and saying what he knew Killua was thinking;

“I think I want to go home. I miss Alluka and Nanika.”

Chapter Text

“GON-NII!!!”

“ALLUKA!”

The tackle had enough force that it would’ve knocked most people over. Not Gon though. He reacted fast enough to wrap his arms around Alluka and whirl her around a few times. It drew the most delighted laughter out of her.

“Welcome home”, she beamed up at him when he put her back down on the ground.

“We’re back”, Gon beamed back.

“One minute”, Killua seethed, making a show of stomping past them. “We’ve been off that ship for a single fucking minute!”

Gon and Alluka glanced at each other and snickered, before tightening their holds on one another. It was all an act of course. Nothing got Killua quite as riled up as Gon and Alluka acting like a couple in the deepest depths of their honeymoon phase. Frankly put, Gon found it hilarious to watch. He happened to know that Alluka felt similar.

“But Killuaaaa”, Gon whined, nuzzling his cheek against Alluka’s, “I haven’t gotten to hug your sister in months.”

“Right?” Alluka agreed, “I need to refill my Gon-nii battery.”

“Yeah well, do that somewhere where I don’t have to watch you”, Killua spat.

The slyest of cheshire grins found its way onto Alluka’s face and Gon nervously swallowed the lump in his throat. She really was extremely similar to her brother sometimes.

“Did you hear that, Gon-nii? We have onii-chan’s permission. If you want to disappear with me for a few hours, I found this really nice alcove just down -”

Killa was next to them in a literal flash.

“You … “ he growled.

His aura turned murderous. Gon could not tell if that was targeted at him or at Alluka. He had a feeling Killua didn’t quite know either. Alluka on the other hand …

“Onii-chan, no bullying Gon-nii!” She chided.

His eyes snapped to her. “Who said Gon is the one I’m gonna bully, huh?”

This did manage to intimidate Alluka a little

“N-n-no bullying Alluka either”, she squeaked.

“Aaah, right right. No bullying Gon, no bullying Alluka, but bullying Killua is perfectly fine! What a wonderful sister I have.”

Alluka only just grinned sheepishly and held on to Gon even tighter.

“Killua -”

“You shut up!”

Gon closed his mouth with a click, but had to bite his lip just so that he wouldn’t burst out laughing. Killua was so comically mad, it bordered on the ridiculous.

“And you”, he snapped back to Alluka, “enough with the chicanery, let go of Gon already!”

“No way!”

“Yes way!”

“NOOOOO!”

Killua was tugging harshly on Alluka’s waist, while Alluka was trying her darndest not to let go of Gon. Gon meanwhile just decided to let this entire spiel wash over him with a wry smile. It was just a matter of seconds before Killua managed to overpower Alluka and throw her over his shoulder anyway. If he was pissed enough, he might just end up carrying her all the way home like this. Not that Alluka was complaining. She playfully waved at Gon once Killua turned around to start walking. It was adorable and Gon waved back with a grin so wide, it damn near split his cheeks apart. It was a tiny gesture, but it did not go unnoticed by Killua

“Don’t wave at my sister!” His voice sounded downright demonic. “Don’t speak to her either. Don’t even fucking look at her!”

Gon and Alluka had to cover their mouths to keep down their giggles.

Turns out Killua was not pissed enough to carry Alluka the entire way and the moment he let her down, she demanded that Gon and Killua each hold one of their hands until they were home. Both of them were more than happy to do so. Gon idly wondered if that counted as a wish. He would love to say hello to Nanika, too. There were no more requests however, and the rest of the way home was spent with lots of smiles, laughter and chatter. Killua was appeased. For the moment at least.

A day and a half. That’s how long it took to get to Aunt Mito’s house from the harbor. But of course, that was only true if one walked nonstop. Gon was fairly certain Alluka was more than capable of it (he was even more certain she’d done exactly that to come and greet them), but Killua would have none of it and demanded that they set up camp for the night so that Alluka could rest.

“I’m not a child, onii-chan!” The argument would’ve been more convincing if she wasn’t stomping her foot like one. “Stop being so overprotective!”

“You are too a child, and children need proper rest”, Killua argued back.

“But you and Gon could do the trek in one go when you were only twelve!”

“Gon’s abnormal and I’m a Zoldyck. We don’t count!”

“I’m a Zoldyck to, you know!”

“She’s got a point there”, Gon piped in.

“Stay out of this!” Came a double set of demonic voices.

Gon sighed dramatically, but decided to stay out of this. They really were siblings after all. It was nice actually, to see them bickering like this. At first glance, most people would say that they’d gotten along better when they were younger. And in a way, they had. Alluka had been going along with her brother’s every whim and adoring his every word. And in exchange, Killua had been one hundred percent focused on making her happy, giving his everything for that purpose alone. Truly, the perfect pair of siblings.

Aunt Mito had seen through that in an instant.

People only get along that well if one party isn’t capable of voicing their own will, she had said.

And after some observation, Gon had found that she had been right. Alluka had never really made any moves on her own unless it was to protect or help her brother somehow. She had smiled a lot and liked humming to herself, so she had seemed cheerful. Until you began noticing it and then you couldn’t unsee it anymore. There was something unsettling about the way she would stand stock still whenever Killua was talking to someone else, as if she were nothing more than an adorning doll. Or how she never really seemed to react to anything new or dangerous so long as Killua was around. Or how she always, without fail, answered to everything Killua told her and asked of her with the brightest, most enthusiastic grin, as if she wasn’t even capable of doubting his choices. It was just like Kilua had said; she had no agency of her own.

So watching this now, seeing her fight with her brother for something she wanted, even if it was as small as not continuing to walk through the night, made his heart soar. He knew it made Killua happy too, even if he couldn’t quite let go. The more independent Alluka became, the tighter he seemed to cling.

“FINE THEN, BE THAT WAY!” Alluka snapped. “WE DON’T NEED YOU AROUND ANYWAY, BWAAAAAKA!!!”

Yep, just like her brother. They really were siblings, all right.

Wait, what did she mean with ‘we’?

“I’ll just stay with Gon-nii, tonight”, Alluka pouted, letting herself plop down on Gon’s lap.

“Huh?” Gon said.

“HUH?!?” Killua echoed.

“Hmpf!” Alluka pouted.

Whoa whoa, just a second here. Teasing Killua was one thing, but he didn’t want to be stuck in the middle when they were actually fighting with one another. Which of course meant that he always got stuck in the middle when they were actually fighting with one another.

“Gon-nii, you know I can handle myself, right?” Alluka asked, wrapping her arms around Gon’s neck and giving him her saddest puppy dog eyes.

Not like she needed to. Gon was on her side in this argument and even if he wasn’t, he was immune to Alluka’s attempts to charm him. Very much unlike her brother.

“Yup”, Gon smiled brightly. “You can take care of yourself just as well as anyone else on Whale Island.”

“See?” Alluka turned back to her brother, a catlike grin on her face. “Gon-nii agrees with me.”

Killua was about to pop a vein.

“But I think staying here for tonight is a good idea.” Gon added

“HAH! Take that, midget!” Killua gloated.

“But whyyyy?” Alluka whined.

“Well …” Gon started, sheepishly scratching his cheek. “The sooner we get to Aunt Mito’s house, the sooner we have to deal with Ging …”

Deadly silence fell over the trio.

“I’ll gather firewood,” Alluka said.

“I’ll go look for some food,” Killua added.

“I’ll collect some stones," Gon finished.

Minutes later, a nice little bonfire was happily burning away, and all three of them were munching on the fruits Killua had found. However, just because things were quiet for the moment didn’t mean things were chipper. Alluka was still pointedly cuddling up to Gon, and Killua was sitting away from the fire. Pouting.

“Alluka”, Gon whispered to her, “you haven’t even properly welcomed your brother back yet. Don’t you want to go over to him and do that?”

“No way”, Alluka answered. “Onii-chan is a big idiot. I’d much rather stay with Gon-nii.”

Well, they’d make up sooner or later. They always did. So Gon relented, wrapping an arm around Alluka and pulling her close. Alluka squealed in delight and buried her face in his chest.

“Stay with me then”, Gon mumbled. “But can I ask something of you?”

“What is it?”

“Can I talk to Nanika?”

Alluka hummed thoughtfully.

“Then, will you pat my head?”

Gon obliged.

“And will you hug me real close?”

Gon obliged.

“Will you hold my hand?”

Gon obliged.

“Will you kiss my cheek?”

Gon obliged.

So Alluka closed her eyes, her skin slowly turning pale, her nose disappearing and her mouth turning into a single bean shaped hole. When she opened her eyes again, all that was left to look into were two gaping black holes.

“Hello, Nanika. I missed you,” Gon said softly.

He made sure to scooch just an inch or two away. Nanika was nowhere near as close to Gon as Alluka was and wouldn’t welcome his closeness. Even now, as Alluka was becoming more of her own person every day, Nanika was still highly fixated on Killua and Killua alone. She did slowly allow Gon and Aunt Mito into her circle, but it was an uphill battle.

“Welcome home … Gon," Nanika said.

“Nanika, I have a wish? Will you grant it to me?” Gon asked.

“Kay”

“I need Killua to be preoccupied during our stay. Will you and Alluka spoil him a little? Smother him with affection until I’m finished with what I have to do. Will that be alright?”

Nanika’s smile turned huge, the voids that were her eyes twinkling with glee.

“Kay!” She said, much more enthusiastically than the first time.

“Then how about you go over to him right now and greet him? Alluka’s been cold to him, so I’m sure he’s feeling lonely.”

“Kay!” She beamed again, before getting on her feet.

She walked over to Killua, who glared at first before realizing who he was talking to. When he did, he softened up immediately and offered his hand to help her down. Nanika did and cuddled up to him the same way Alluka had cuddled up to Gon. Finally, brother and sister were together, no Gon to meddle in between and mess things up. Gon knew both of them loved him like he loved both of them. Alluka and Nanika had quickly become like sisters to him as well. And Killua was everything, closer to him than any word could properly capture. So he was forced to continue using ‘best friend’.

After a few minutes, Gon’s sensitive hearing told him that Nanika had retreated and Alluka was back. Gon half expected her to still be mad and stomp back to his side, but that didn’t happen. Their conversation was a little agitated at first, still arguing about how overprotective Killua was being, but it died down soon enough and Killua gently took Alluka into his arms. She shot Gon a small look as he did,both grateful and knowing. Grateful because she definitely wanted to be spoiled by her brother now that he was back, and knowing because Nanika had no doubt relayed the information to her. Which meant Alluka would play along and Gon would have all the time in the world analyzing all of his newfound information.

Chapter Text

“Ah good, you’re here.”

It would’ve been stranger for Ging to be overly elated that Gon and Killua were back home. More often than not, he’d have his stuff packed and was gone within the hour, leaving Aunt Mito screeching, Killua fuming, and Gon and Alluka helplessly laughing. Today however, something was different. It wasn’t anything overt or anything that could be analyzed, Gon just kind of had a feeling.

“Leaving already?” Killua’s tone was nothing short of accusatory. “Fine with me. The less I have to see your ugly mug around, the happier I’ll be.”

“You took the words right out of my mouth, brat”, Ging spat back.

A glaring contest commenced between the two of them. Gon sighed and walked past them into the house, Alluka’s hand in his. If Killua was exasperated at Gon’s and Alluka’s constant playflirting, then Gon was exasperated with Killua’s and Ging’s constant fighting. Those two were probably physically incapable of saying a single nice word to one another.

“Gon”, Ging called over his shoulder and Gon stopped in his tracks. “We need to talk.” He turned back to Killua. “You too, brat.”

So something really was off. Gon’s gut instincts never betrayed him.

“Where’s Aunt Mito?” Gon asked.

“Letting off some steam. She’ll be back. Come on now you three, sit down. This could take a while.”

They did as told and sat down around the kitchen table. Kind of typical too, that Ging would spring this on them as soon as they returned, not even giving Gon and Killua a few minutes to actually arrive. Gon took it in stride, but he could tell that Alluka and Killua were on edge. The irritation was basically rolling off Killua in waves, and Alluka fidgeted in ways she only ever did when she was really anxious. Gon couldn’t blame either of them. As much as he liked Ging, he was more than aware that his personality type wasn’t for everyone.

“I’m leaving”, Ging broke the silence after several minutes.

“No shit, Sherlock”, Killua drawled. “When we’re here, you get to leave. That was the deal. So go. Shoo shoo.”

“You’re not listening, brat”, Ging snarled. “When I say I’m leaving, I mean I’m leaving.”

It clicked.

“You’re not coming back”, Gon said.

Ging didn’t answer. He didn’t have to. The way he averted his eyes was answer enough. Gon could feel the hair rising on neck. Static. Killua was angry. Truly angry.

“The fuck did you just say?” Killua’s voice was calm in a way it only was when he used all of his effort to keep his emotions at bay. The small sparks of electricity flying off him betrayed him anyway.

“You heard me.”

“That wasn’t the deal!” Killua’s eyes were wide and oddly blank, the electricity around him growing stronger. Gon filed this sight away to take apart later. “Gon did everything you asked. Every little goddamn thing no matter how unreasonable, followed every tiny trail crumb for years, never even held a grudge against you! And you can’t even commit to one fucking promise?”

“Killua, calm down”, Gon tried.

“NO!” Killua bellowed. “He knows we won’t leave Alluka behind and he’s taking advantage of it so he won’t have to stay here. Just like he took advantage of Aunt Mito’s kindness so he wouldn’t have to raise you. Just like he keeps taking advantage of all his so-called friends so he can go and have fun on their expenses. This asshole doesn’t care about anyone but himself, takes advantage of everyone around him like it’s nothing, so the least he could do is spend at least a bit of his time protecting a helpless girl who’s being hunted by a complete psychopath!”

A wave of electricity was released during that last sentence, strong enough to blow up all of the lightbulbs in the room.

“Killua!”

“Onii-chan!”

“I wonder which one of us the true selfish asshole is.”

All eyes turned to Ging. Killua’s static disappeared in an instant and he plopped back down on his chair. Gon hadn’t even noticed he’d stood up.

“Maybe you’re right, and it’s me. The guy who can only look ahead and willfully ignores the things he’s left behind.” He looked at Gon. “Maybe it’s that slightly insane one sitting there, incapable of giving even a single thought to who he’ll hurt once he’s decided he wants something.”

Gon flinched backwards, ducking his head into his shoulders.

“Maybe it’s the little miss who wants the world to pamper her and won’t even give a glance to the people who don’t.”

Alluka lowered her gaze and Killua bristled again.

“Or maybe it’s that abrasive kid there who won’t stand on his own two feet and latched on to my son like a leech as a result.”

Killua looked like he’d just received a punch to the gut, going paler than he already was, and now Gon's anger was beginning to rise, too.

“We’re all selfish assholes at the end of the day”, Ging drawled. “Nothing to be ashamed about as far as I’m concerned, and I’m done playing your little game. I got stuff to do, so I’m leaving.”

“FINE! THEN GO!” Killua hollered. “BUT DON’T YOU DARE SHOW YOUR FACE TO US EVER AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME?!?”

“No worries, brat”, Ging stood up and put on his hat. “unless you come find me, I’m pretty sure we won’t see each other again for a long, long time.”

Gon perked up at that choice of words. There was more to the story. Ging wasn’t telling them everything and Killua had successfully driven him away before he had a chance to lay all his cards on the table.

“GING!” Gon rose up from the table, ready to follow.

But Killua’s eyes turned to him and it caught Gon’s attention. It was full of disbelief and disgust, as if asking how Gon could possibly still want to associate with a scumbag like Ging. That look turned to fury in a single heartbeat and the electricity flashed around Killua, stronger and stronger until it illuminated him from within and made his hair stand out in every single direction. Godspeed, Gon managed to think and then Killua was already gone, a single streak of electricity left in his wake.

“KILLUA!” Gon cried after him.

A noise from the table made Gon turn whip around before he could even begin to give chase. Alluka had risen from her chair fast enough to make it fall backwards. Gon only had a split second to notice there were tears in her eyes before she whirled around and ran up the stairs.

“ALLUKA!” Gon yelled again.

He stopped himself before running after her. Ging was leaving, Killua was a mess and Alluka was crying. Where was he supposed to go first? Who was he supposed to talk to first? How had things gotten so messy, so fast? Just ten minutes ago, they were all happily walking home together.

There was no time to waste, and Gon wasn’t one for hesitating anyway. There was only one real answer to the question of who to go to first. So Gon whirled around one last time and ran out of the house.

Chapter Text

Catching up with Ging took only a few minutes. Despite his prompt departure, he didn’t seem to be in any hurry. He was also not at all surprised that Gon was running after him. Then again, Ging never really seemed surprised at anything. Uncomfortable yes, but never taken off guard. So he just glanced at Gon as he fell into step beside him and left it at that.

“You never finished saying what you wanted to say”, Gon starts.

“That so?” Ging drawls. “What makes you think that?”

“Just a feeling”, Gon answers.

That actually managed to make Ging chuckle. It was an oddly wistful sound. Almost sad, really.

“Haven’t heard that line in a while”, he said. “Not since the day you were born.”

Gon frowned. “Aunt Mito is my mother. I’m not interested in hearing about anyone else.”

“If you want to know what I have to say, you’ll have to hear about her.” Ging stopped in his tracks. “Choose, kiddo. You can learn about your mother, or you can turn around right now and be none the wiser.”

Gon took his time to think. It was true that he wasn’t really interested in his mother. She was just another stranger to him, not someone he would ever be able to think of as family. Not unlike Ging, in many ways. His family was Aunt Mito. It was Killua and Alluka. In some ways, it was even Leorio and Kurapika.

But it wasn’t that easy, was it? In Ging’s case, he’d had ample time to prepare himself for what he was going to face. Every hint, every story, every piece of information he’d gotten on Ging on his journey to find him had told Gon that what he would find wasn’t a father. It was a slow realization and by the time the day had come, he’d found three brothers to take the place of a father he never had. He’d been as prepared for it as he could have been.

His mother was a different story though. There was no preparation, no time to adjust, no idea what he was going to have to face. If she was dead, would he grieve? Or would he be disgusted at himself for not grieving? Or even worse; if she was alive, would he begin to think of her as a mother? Would he go to look for her? And if he did, would he betray Aunt Mito, the one who had raised him, taught him, fed him, nursed him, by replacing her place in his heart as his mother with a woman who had been absent for all his life? Gon wasn’t prepared to face any of these possibilities. It was easier, better, to just leave things as they were.

But Ging found it important. So important, he’d actually sought a conversation with Gon, something he rarely ever did. So important, he was willing to face Killua head on when the two of them couldn’t stand each other’s guts. So important, he was staring Gon down when he’d only ever averted his eyes. Gon couldn’t possibly run away from that.

“I’ll listen”, Gon finally answered. “So tell me what you wanted to say.”

Ging smiled, seemingly satisfied with that answer, and continued to walk. Gon fell back into step with him.

“I found a contract, the last thing I need to go to the Dark Continent.”

Gon wasn’t surprised. He’d always known Ging would find a way to get there sooner or later.

“Once I’m there, I won’t be returning. Not until I find your mother.”

Gon would have stumbled over his own two feet if Ging hadn’t caught him by the scruff.

‘WHAT?!?”

“You heard me, kiddo”, Ging put Gon back on his feet properly and continued on his way.

“My mother is on the dark continent?” Gon guaffed.

“That’s what I hope, at least.”

“But … how … why …” Gon didn’t even know where to start.

Ging sighed a very heavy sigh. One that spoke of searing longing and endless heartbreak and pain deeper than anything Gon could even begin to imagine. A knot formed in Gon’s throat.

“She was too good to be true”, Ging started. “Fiercer than a Camp Tiger, more majestic than a fully grown World Tree Bird, and stronger than any Hunter in the known world. The day I met her, she took down a dragon with her bare hands. Literally fell out of the sky with it right in front of my nose. She was disheveled, covered in blood, and looking at us as if we were her next prey. I’ve never seen a more beautiful sight, before or after.”

Fell out of the sky? A dragon? What?

“She was my partner. My best friend. My confidante. She was always by my side. She was bright. She was lively. She was sociable. She was beautiful. She was … She was everything.”

He breathed that last word, sounding awed in a way Gon never thought Ging capable of. In a way Gon had never eventhought possible. He smiled down to look at Gon, but Gon couldn’t help but to feel like he wasn’t being seen at all.

“You’re the spitting image of me, but in everything else, you come after her.” Ging looked back at the path ahead of him. Gon swallowed heavily.

“I thought that a lot, you know. She can’t be real, she’s not real, it’s too good to be true, she’s too good to be true.” His expression turned dark again. “Turns out I wasn’t entirely wrong. You were only a few days old when she was taken. Beings that look like humans, but much more powerful - or beautiful - than any you’ll find in the known world. I was defeated in a matter of minutes, but your mother, she fought tooth and nail in ways that I didn’t even know were possible, in ways that couldn’t have been human. She was being pierced, slashed, had bones broken, limbs torn out, she shouldn’t have been able to survive, but she was fighting as if all those injuries were nothing but bruises. The eeriest thing? She was smiling the entire time, laughing even, as if she was having the time of her life. As if she was maniacal.”

Gon’s blood ran cold. He was familiar with that feeling. The manic excitement running through his veins when faced with an opponent stronger than him. The thrill of a battle he knew he couldn’t win. The elation when he could fight with reckless abandon.

“It makes no difference to me”, Ging continued. “She could be a monster, a devil or a goddess, I wouldn’t care. All I know is that she fought to stay by my side. So that’s why I’ll go and get her back. It won’t be easy. There are no records of creatures like her. Beings that look like humans carved by the hands of a master sculptor, with speed that allows them to cross continents in a matter of minutes and strength that allows them to split mountains with a single kick.”

There was a blanket of silence that fell over them. Gon didn’t know what to say. Where to even begin processing that information. His mother came from the Dark Continent. She wasn’t human. Which meant -

“Gon.”

Gon immediately turned to Ging, who had once again stopped in his tracks. Ging never called Gon by his name. Ever. The fact that he did now scared him. Couple that with the heavy look he was giving him …

“What was the price you had to pay to rediscover your Nen?” Ging asked.

Gon remembered that conversation. The warning Ging had given him. Gon had decided to try anyway, and decide whether or not to pay the price once he knew what it would be. He had braced himself for something horrible, something unspeakable, only to find that there was -

“Nothing”, Gon answered. “I didn’t have to pay anything.”

Ging was silent for a long moment. Then -

“I hope for your sake that you’re not mistaken.”

He started walking again, but this time, Gon didn’t move. He had a feeling that the conversation was over. That same, animalistic instinct that told him so much about the world and the people around him. Gon suddenly wondered if that was an ability he had inherited from his mother.

“I’ll let you know if I ever make it back to the known world. If you feel like meeting your mother by then, come and find me.”

Ging didn’t even look back as he said those words. Just continued on, leaving Gon standing where he was. Gon, who was frozen on the spot. Who didn’t even know where to start unpacking everything he had just learned. He still didn’t know if his mother was alive. Nobody knew, not even Ging. But she wasn’t like Ging. Or like Killua or Alluka or Kurapika or Leorio or Melody or … She wasn’t human. Was she like Meruem? Was she like Neferpitou? Did that mean Gon was like Neferpitou? The person who had killed Kite? All the things people found weird about Gon. His superhuman senses. His strength. His affinity with animals. His ability to keep up with Killua since day one despite never having had any training. Were these all given to him from his mother?

Ging … Ging had just left. Just like that. Sprung all of that on Gon and just left. How was he supposed to understand this all on his own? How was he supposed to wrap his head around this without the only person who could guide him? He’d just sat them down the moment they came home and insulted Alluka and then Killua and …

Killua. Killua was still upset. He was still angry and hurt and Ging had caused it. Ging had hurt Killua. The anger swelled up in Gon. A steady flow of magma under his skin, boiling and moving and threatening to melt him from the inside out.

Don’t suppress your anger when it rises. Try to use it instead, Melody’s words rang through his head.

Gon was angry. So, so angry. So angry, he was ready to burst. But he forced himself to focus. Use all that energy to find Killua. His hearing got sharper. So did his eyes, his nose, even his sense of smell picked up. He could taste the salt of the ocean a day and a half away, the herbs growing in the forest and the sweet nectar of the fruits on the trees. Finally, the taste of ozone that was disturbing it all. Ah, there he was.

Killua.

Chapter Text

Gon had not expected to find Killua sitting drenched at the borders of a lake. He looked a bit like a drowned cat. Gon let out a small sigh. The anger was still simmering under his skin, but it had softened, retreated back into his body. Gon would be able to keep his cool for now. So he walked next to Killua and sat down next to him. Killua didn’t move, head buried in his arms and refusing to look up, but there was no doubt that he’d realized that Gon was here.

“Killua?” Gon said softly.

“I’m fine”, Killua mumbled

“... Liar.”

There was another moment of silence.

“I just …” Killua finally lifted his head to look at Gon, his expression pained and a little broken. “How do you not hate him? He’s your father, but he already abandoned you once and now he’s abandoning you again and you don’t even seem to care.”

“Ah … well … I think in order to hate someone, you have to care about them to an extent,” Gon answered. “Ging is pretty cool. I like learning from him and listening to his stories. But other than that, he may as well be a stranger.”

That drew a chuckle out of Killua. It was weak and had an undertone of bitterness, but it drew a smile to Gon’s face nonetheless.

“It’s pretty amazing that you can do that, you know”, Killua said. “Looking at him, knowing that he helped bring you into this world, and decide that he’s nothing to you. I couldn’t do that with my family.”

Gon wasn’t quite sure what was so amazing about it. As far as he was concerned, it wasn’t a big deal. Ging was just Ging. Aunt Mito was his mother. And his mother …

“Gon?”

Ah, the tables have turned. Killua was calling Gon’s name with the same unasked question that Gon had started this conversation with when he had called Killua's

“I talked to Ging”, Gon’s voice was as quiet as could be without being a whisper. “He’s leaving to search for my mother. He thinks she’s on the Dark Continent.”

It took a few seconds, but Gon could see the exact moment Killua understood the implications of that statement.

“Is she from there?” Killua breathed.

“Probably.”

“Is she … human?”

Gon hesitated. “I don’t know. I don’t think Ging knows either, but …” Probably not. That answer went unspoken. “If she’s not, will you still be my friend?”

This one made Killua laugh. A full on belly laugh, with his head thrown back and everything. It immediately drew a smile out of Gon. There really weren’t a lot of sounds in the world more beautiful than Killua’s laughter.

“I have a sister who is both a human and a monster. I think I can deal with a best friend who is half-half.” Killua’s smile faltered and he looked away. “So long as you’re okay with a leech as your best friend.”

No! No, he couldn’t think like that! Gon wouldn’t allow it. Ging’s words hadn’t been at all fair.

“Killua”, there was an edge of despair in Gon’s voice. “Killua, that’s not true. Don’t believe what Ging said, you’re not a leech!”

“It’s kind of true. All I ever do is follow you around. Even when it’s about my own problems, I end up relying on you.”

Is that what Killua thought? Was that how he thought of himself? No way!

“You’re not a leech!” Gon said again, his tone much more determined this time. “A leech is something nobody wants. It’s something that sucks you dry. It takes and takes and never gives back. But I want you! And you do so much for me. You go along with my every whim and you keep my feet on the ground and you always clean up the messes I leave behind. So don’t think so lowly of yourself! You’re not a leech!”

Killua’s face was a mess of emotions. Too much for Gon to decipher. There was gratitude and self-doubt and relief and woe and happiness and sadness and Killua’s eyes were shining like he was about to cry and his mouth was wobbly like it tried to smile and frown at the same time. It always left Gon in awe just how much Killua could feel at once.

“Okay,” Killua whispered, and then again, a bit louder as if to make himself believe it. “Okay.”

Gon turned to look at the lake, watching the rise and fall of the waves. Once again, Killua was overwhelmed with emotion. Once again, the best thing Gon could do was to pretend he didn’t notice. Once again, Gon wished that Killua could allow himself to cling to someone, preferably Gon, and cry his eyes out on their shoulder.

“Killua”, Gon started again when he sensed that Killua had caught himself somewhat, “can you keep the thing about my mother a secret?”

“You don’t want to have to explain what you don’t know?” Killua guessed.

Gon nodded. Something about that made Killua smile again. A pleased smile, from the looks of it. Gon returned it.

“Come on”, he said, standing up. “We should probably check on Alluka. She was crying.”

Killua was on his feet immediately.

“Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?” He demanded. “Let’s go.”

---

The pillow hit Killua dead in the face. Gon made a mental note to commend Alluka for her impeccable aim.

“GET OUT!” She screeched.

“Wai - Alluka?!?”

“OUT! I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE!”

Ooooh man. Maybe Gon should have gone to check on Alluka first. She was by far the most upset among all three.

“Alluka, what -”

“Killua, let’s just do as she says.”

Gon knew from growing up with Aunt Mito that ladies sometimes just needed some time to themselves. So he grabbed Killua’s shoulders, turned him around and began leading him out the door, completely and utterly ignoring his confused protests. But before they managed even two steps, Gon’s ears picked up the gentle tap tap tap of Alluka’s feet and then her arms were around Gon’s waist and her face buried in his back.

It took a moment for Gon to understand what she wanted. When he did, he turned to Killua and mouthed the word ‘go’. Killua did absolutely not look happy at that, but relented nonetheless and left the room. There was a long moment of silence in which Gon listened to Killua slowly making his way down the stairs. It was an eternity later when Gon finally decided to speak.

“Alluka,” he chided softly, “you shouldn’t lash out at the wrong person.”

A lesson he himself had only recently learned.

“I’m not,” Alluka sniffled into his shirt. “Onii-chan was the one who said that I’m a helpless girl, not Ging-san.”

Oh. So that’s what the issue was. That certainly explained why she had thrown Killua out of her room like that. Gon turned around, wrapped his arms around Alluka’s knees and hauled her up. Gon and Killua liked picking her up at just about any chance they got, so she was used to this enough to just wrap her arms around Gon’s head for some extra stability. He walked over to Alluka’s bed (which used to be his), sat down, put her in his lap, where he cradled her gently.

“So you’re still gonna enjoy being spoiled like this?” Gon asked.

“Always”, Alluka answered. “It’s not like Ging-san was wrong with what he said, but that doesn’t bother me. You and onii-chan and Mito all love Nanika and me and that’s why you spoil us. Why should I care about anyone else?”

Gon’s smile faded a little. He had jumped the boat, it seemed. Sure, Alluka was capable of wanting things outside of helping her brother or Nanika now. She could even fight with her brother for these things. But that wasn’t the same as being properly independent. Couldn’t Ging have found that contract just a year or two later?

“Alluka, that’s not a good way to think”, Gon softly chided. “I’m not saying you need a hundred best friends or anything, but you should at least have a decently sized circle of people to talk to.”

“Why? What’s so wrong with just you three? That’s already more than I had in all of my life!”

Gon barely managed to suppress a flinch at those words. He’d known … of course he’d known …but just like with Killua he’d never really realized. Alluka was hurting too. She was still bleeding. The anger simmered under his skin again, but there was more than just that this time. The reason Killua had come to him was because somewhere in his heart, he’d realized that he was still too wounded himself to help another. So he had chosen Gon. Killua had brought his beloved sister to him like how Kon had brought him one of his offspring when it had been injured. It was the highest level of trust an animal could give. That was how much Killua trusted Gon. He’d live up to that. No matter what it would take.

“If that’s how you think, then I agree with Killua that you’re just a helpless little girl.”

Alluka immediately jumped out of Gon’s lap and stared him down. The betrayal was all over her face.

“WHY!?” She cried. “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE!”

“I am on your side”, Gon said. “Alluka, what are you going to do if Killua and I ever need help?”

Alluka shut her mouth immediately. The tears of betrayal were still in her eyes though, so Gon got up, very, very slowly, as if he was approaching an angry foxbear, and held out his palms for Alluka to put her palms on to.

“What are you going to do when you need help with something none of us can assist you with?”

Alluka’s face visibly relaxed and she slowly put her hands on Gon's palms, allowing him to lead her to sit back down on the bed next to him.

“Like what?” She asked, voice small.

Gon cocked his head to the side. He had to think about that for a minute.

“Like … what if you find a boyfriend someday?”

Alluka blinked.

Gon blinked back.

“A boyfriend?”

“A boyfriend. You obviously can’t bring him to Killua, he’ll scorch the poor boy to death.” That managed to make Alluka giggle and the sound tugged at the corner of Gon’s lips. “Aunt Mito has been busy raising me, so she doesn’t have any dating experience either. And I’ve never even been in love before.”

This one drove a full on snort out of Alluka. Not the reaction he had expected to be honest. It was nice that she was laughing, he supposed, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that she was laughing at him, rather than because of him.

“I guess I really would be helpless in that case.”

Well, Gon could work with that.

“There’s strength in getting to know people, Alluka. Every person has their own stories to tell and experiences to learn from. You don’t get strong from staying on a little Island all your life. You get strong by going out and meeting all kinds of people, learning from all of them. That’s what it means to discover what the world has to offer. Build your own network of people to fall back on, to call if you need help or advice, and who’ll trust you when they need help. Then and only then are you truly infallible. Until you can do that, it doesn’t matter who you can defeat or how impossible the wishes are that Nanika can fulfill, you’ll always be a helpless little girl.”

It was probably the biggest and most important lesson he’d learned from Ging. As so often, a lesson he’d always known, but never realized until it was spelled out to him. If only he’d come to realize it a little sooner, before East Gorteau.

“I don’t think that’s what onii-chan meant, though”, Alluka pouted.

“Yeah … I don’t think so either”, Gon admitted sheepishly.

“He thinks I’m physically weak.”

“Yeah …”

“And that I need to be protected because I can’t protect myself.”

“Yeah …”

“He gets on my nerves!”

“Yeah …”

That’s when an idea hit Gon. One that could solve all problems concerning Alluka. Granted, he had absolutely no clue how high the chances were of it working (and of Killua agreeing to it), but it was definitely worth a shot.

Before Gon could even open his mouth to propose it, Gon heard the front door slam downstairs. Aunt Mito was home. And from the sound of it, extremely agitated. Gon let out a suffocated sigh. He desperately needed a break.

---

Killua had made himself small in a corner of the room, as he always did when Aunt Mito was mad. Looking at it now, through the newly acquired lens of “inner injuries”, something told Gon that this was a symptom of one, even if he didn’t understand how or why yet. And as much as he would love to swoop in and coax Killua out of his little protective shell, Aunt Mito took priority right now.

“Gon,” she cried the moment she laid eyes on him, running to him to swoop him in the warmest possible hug. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I tried so hard to make him stay, I fought with him all day but he was being so stubborn and I couldn't -”

“Aunt Mito”, Gon interrupted her. “I’m okay. It’s not a big deal.”

She pulled back and her eyes drifted to Alluka standing next to Gon.

“But … what about …?”

“We’ll figure something out”, Gon gave her his biggest grin he could muster.

It did absolutely nothing to appease her. Instead, she wrapped her arms around Gon again.

“I’m sorry”, her words this time around were more of a sob. “You deserved a real father and mother growing up, not a thirteen year old girl who could barely even take care of herself. And you!” She pulled back just to wrap Alluka into the hug as well. “You deserved a family that loved you properly. One that hugged you when you were sad and nursed you when you were sick.”

She turned to Killua to where Killua was cowering and held out a hand for him to take. He looked at it as if it was going to grow a mind of its own and bite him. His eyes turned to Gon, who gave him an encouraging smile. Only then did Killua slowly stand up, walk over to where the three of them were huddled, and took Aunt Mito’s hand. She led him just as slowly into the group hug, Where Gon and Alluka immediately each wrapped an arm around him tightly.

“You’re all just children and you’ve already gone through so much. You shouldn’t have to be solving these kinds of problems by yourselves. That’s what adults are supposed to do for you. That’s what I’m supposed to do for you, but I failed you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

For the very first time, Gon felt a familiar lick of hatred towards Ging crawl up his spine. He didn’t really care that he had abandoned Gon. He didn’t really care that he hadn’t come to see even once since the day he’d left. He didn’t care that he hadn’t come to visit him when Gon was this close to death, or that he’d left Gon alone at home when he’d lost his Nen or that he’d left again after promising to help protect Alluka. But looking at the state he’d left Gon’s family in - Aunt Mito in pieces, Alluka in outrage, and Killua stewing in self-loathing - made him begin to resent Ging.

---

Dinner was a happy, but fragile affair. The deercat Gon and Killua had rescued and adopted had returned home and were causing havoc. They talked a lot and laughed a lot, but it was clear that even just a mention of the wrong thing could shatter the good mood. Gon tried his best to be his usual upbeat self to keep the mood alive, but his heart wasn’t in it. He felt a little suffocated, like the walls were too small and the air too warm and the talking too loud and the laughter too heavy. He wanted to jump into the freezing ocean and let the waves pull him under into a world of dark and silence. Killua could tell. Aunt Mito and Alluka might be able to tell as well, but he couldn’t be sure. So when dinner was over and everything was cleaned up, Gon slipped outside. Beginning of summer meant the days were warm, but the nights were still a little chilly. The air was cool and a soft wind was blowing, all of which Gon relished in. He was oddly tired. Resigned somehow. And something within him felt like it had been submerged in bile. He had no idea what those feelings were all about, but he chalked it up to Ging. The mess he had left. The bombshell he had dropped.

Gon had a mother.

He had a mother. She was alive and she was out there, somewhere. Did she miss him? Did she want to see him?

Did he want to see her?

The answer was no. He knew that much at least. Aunt Mito was his mother, now and forever. The woman who had given birth to him was a stranger. Even if she had been taken, even if it was against her, at the end of the day, she hadn’t been there and Aunt Mito had. And now, Ging had left to find that woman. Gon and Killua were left to defend Alluka alone.

“Gon?”

No! Please no! Not now!

“What are you doing out here all by yourself?”

Gon loved Killua, he really did, but Killua was a walking bundle of emotions and Gon could not deal with any more of those today.

“I just needed to breathe a little.”

“Ah, I get that. Today was a lot, wasn’t it? Your old man sure knows how to mess things up.”

Gon suppressed a sigh. He couldn’t really deal with any forced buoyancy either. His shoulders felt a little too heavy for that, his lungs a bit too restricted. Killua would definitely know if he turned around and faced him. Heck, he probably already did. But Killua was smart, so if Gon smiled at him, he’d get the message, right?

“Killua, you should go back inside”, Gon turned around, putting on the most genuine smile he could muster. “I’ll be right there.”

Go away! Please just leave me alone!

Killua’s eyes widened slightly for just a moment, before something in his expression closed off. He’d gotten the message. And he didn’t like it.

“All right”, Killua relented. “Just don’t stay out too long. Aunt Mito will worry.”

I’m here for you! Please don’t push me away!

There was a stinging behind Gon’s eyes and a knot that clogged up his throat. He gave a small nod of affirmation, before he turned around and with a single, powerful leap, jumped into the forest. As fast as his legs would take him, he jumped from tree to tree, from branch to branch, until not even his hypersensitive ears and nose could pick up the sounds and scents from Aunt Mito’s house anymore. He jumped up to the crown of the tree, only stopping when he had emerged on the other side and could see the night sky in its full glory, a million tiny stars lighting up the firmament. It was a beautiful sight. A little too beautiful, really. Just a little more than Gon could take tonight and it forced the tears out of his eyes. He didn’t even know why exactly they fell. What exactly he was sad or upset enough about to cry over. They fell silently, no sobs, no hiccups, no cries to accompany them. Only the occasional heavy sigh. Gon’s head was empty as he gazed up at the stars that way.

By the time he returned home, the lights were already out. So he silently slipped into Alluka’s room, where he knew he would find the siblings curled up in one another, and quietly removed his boots. Killua, Gon knew, was awake and aware that he was here, but made no sound to acknowledge any of that. Minutes later, Gon fell asleep cuddled up to Alluka.

Chapter Text

The following morning, Gon felt as if he had chucked several tons worth of weight. Even his limbs felt more nimble when he stretched them, and the early morning sun shining through the window felt almost like an embrace. Gon didn’t understand how he kept forgetting about this feeling. The lightness that came after releasing months, sometimes years, of pent up emotions. It felt like being reborn, like being new and fresh and crispy. It felt the way a freshly washed head of lettuce looked.

His head tilted down to look at the still sleeping Zoldyck siblings. Well, one sleeping sibling, and one who was undoubtedly awake, even if he refused to move. They were still curled up in one another, bathed in the gentle morning sun and Gon just knew that they felt similarly at peace as he did after the rollercoaster of emotions they had gone through yesterday. Today’s happiness wouldn’t be fragile at all. It would be calm but steady, and Gon found himself looking forward to the day.

Aunt Mito was already awake of course. For as many people as Gon had gotten to know over the years, Aunt Mito was still the only one he knew who regularly woke up earlier than him. She was quietly working on breakfast, the way she carried herself telling Gon that she felt equally peaceful as Gon did, albeit a bit more tired. He wrapped an arm around her and kissed her cheek as a morning greeting.

“Are you feeling better?” She asked.

So she had noticed his mood last night. Figured. Gon was still awful at hiding his emotions, after all.

“Much better. You?”

“My head’s still reeling, to be honest. Fighting with Ging brought up a lot of emotions from when I took custody of you. But crying it out helped a little.”

Right. Crying it out helped, that’s why Gon felt so refreshed this morning. He always forgot about that. He resolved to cry a bit more often. Then again, he always said that to himself and he always forgot about it a few days later, so maybe not.

“Will you help me with breakfast?” Aunt Mito ripped him out of his thoughts.

“Of course!”

Breakfast consisted of a big bowl of fruit salad, yogurt, boiled eggs, and some fresh Croissants, all things that Aunt Mito had undoubtedly gotten from the market earlier this morning. It was nobody’s favorite, but it was something everyone loved.

As per usual, Killua and Alluka were still half asleep when Aunt Mito dragged them down to the table, but woke up immediately at the sight of food. It drew a soft chuckle out of Gon. He never realized how much he missed these small moments of peaceful domesticity until he experienced them again for the first time in months. And since the mood was upbeat - genuinely upbeat - this morning, Gon decided that now would be the perfect time to throw everything into chaos again.

“What do you think about sending Alluka to train with Bisky?”

The silence that followed was thick enough to be cut with a knife. Until Killua dropped his fork, that is.

“Alluka”, Killua said, his voice blank, “I think I’m still dreaming. I thought I just heard Gon say -”

“- that I should go train with Bisky. I heard it too, onii-chan.”

Aunt Mito let out a suffering sigh, before grabbing everything on the table that could possibly break and getting up to put it away.

“You … want to send Alluka to Bisky?” Killua asked.

“Yep!” Gon answered simply.

“Are you MENTAL?!?” Killua’s voice went up a notch. “This is Bisky we’re talking about! The same crazy hag who made us fight against a serial killer as our first training exercise. Alluka won’t survive a single day under her. We may as well hand her over to Illumi on a silver platter!”

Alluka’s head went scarlet at that. “And why is that exactly?! Because I’m just a helpless little girl?”

“That’s exactly right!”

“I am NOT helpless! I have Nanika!”

“You only host Nanika. I’m the one whose wishes she fulfills!”

“You don’t know that! I never even tried wishing anything from her.”

“She has a point”, Gon piped in.

“Stay out of this!” Answered a double set of demon voices that somehow came out of Killua and Alluka.

Gon obliged and leaned back in his chair with a low chuckle. Honestly, he had fully expected that it would be him and Killua going at one another with Alluka stuck in the middle, but if she was fully on board with his idea … well, that suddenly made things a lot easier.

“I’m going to train with Bisky! End of story!” Alluka yelled, slamming a hand on the table.

“You’ll be doing no such thing!” Killua mimicked her action with a bit more force.

What wonderful foresight from Aunt Mito to put everything breakable away.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do!”

I’m your big brother, of course I get to tell you what to do! Or would you rather go back to our parents?”

“He has a point there”, Gon piped in.

“I said, stay out of this!” The demonic voices chimed again.

Right. Don’t get in the middle of a Zoldyck sibling spat. Gon kept forgetting that. Illumi was the exception of course, meddling in anything that had to do with him was absolutely allowed. Coming to think of it, Gon hadn’t seen him around for quite a while. Had he given up on dragging Killua and Alluka back home? No, probably not.

“Gon, tell Alluka she’s being ridiculous and that she’s not ready for Bisky!” Killua snapped.

“Gon-nii, tell onii-chan I can handle anything Bisky could possibly throw at me!”

Oh, of course. Now he was allowed to join the argument.

“You do remember that I was the one who proposed we send Alluka to Bisky to begin with, right?” Gon deadpanned.

“See? Gon-nii believes in me and he’s never wrong about those things”, Alluka gloated.

Killua looked like he was about to choke on his own fury, before a thought crossed his mind and he plopped back down onto his seat.

“It doesn’t matter anyway”, he said smugly. “We don’t know where Bisky is and we have no way of contacting her either. I’m not leaving Alluka all alone here while we go on a wild goose chase.”

Gon held up his phone. “I have her number right here.”

“WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE BISKY’S NUMBER?!?” Killua screeched.

“Remember that one mission with the desert tribe?”

Killua blinked owlishly at Gon for a few long moments. Then -

“GIVE ME THAT PHONE!” Killua leapt over the table.

“NO WAY!” Gon managed to evade at the last second.

“GIVE IT!” Killua lunged again.

“NEVER!”

The cat and mouse game continued for a few more minutes before Killua finally managed to get a hold of Gon. Not of the phone though and the two wrestled around the floor for a bit with Gon desperately trying to keep his phone out of Killua’s reach and Killua desperately trying to get his claws on it. Alluka meanwhile, used that time to hop over to Aunt Mito, who was calmly washing the dishes.

“Mito, will you give me a strawberry?”

“Of course, darling.”

“GON, I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME THAT PHONE RIGHT NOW!”

“FORGET IT! IT’S MY PHONE!”

“Mito, will you let me play with the bubbles for a bit?”

“They’re all yours, sweetheart.”

“I’M NOT LETTING YOU CALL BISKY!”

“YEAH WELL I’M NOT LETTING YOU STOP ME!”

“Mito, will you dry my hands?”

“Come here, honey.”

“YOU’RE GETTING MY PHONE OVER MY DEAD BODY!”

“DID YOU FORGET THAT I’M AN ASSASSIN? I CAN TOTALLY MAKE THAT - WHAT THE FUCK?!?”

Killua’s confusion was understandable. Gon too, would be utterly confused if he was lifted high into the air in the middle of a scuffle by some invisible force. It only took a moment until it clicked for both of them. One single look across the room revealed Nanika, her eyes and arm firmly locked on Killua’s current position in the air.

“NANIKA?!?” Gon and Killua bellowed in unison.

“Did Aunt Mito make a wish?” Gon thought out loud.

“Does that really matter?” Killua snapped. “Nanika, put me down!”

Nanika shook her head firmly. Killua gaped. Of course he did, Nanika had never refused him a command before as far as Gon knew, no matter whose wish was currently being fulfilled.
“What the fuck?!?” He whispered to himself.

“Alluka … made … wish.” Nanika said.

Wait, Alluka? So that hadn’t just been speculation on her end? Alluka could really ask Nanika for wishes?

“Holy crap”, Gon and Killua mumbled, once again in perfect unison.

“Gon … call … Bisky.” Nanika spoke again.

Ah, right! Gon had almost forgotten what this entire thing was about.

“DON’T YOU DARE”, Killua yelled again. “CALL BISKY AND SEE WHAT I - MMPFH! MMP, HMMPH?!?”

“Onii-chan … quiet. Nanika … wants … to train ... too. Gon … call … Bisky.”

Gon let out a disbelieving laugh. This was awesome. Alluka and Nanika were awesome. Gon was so glad that they were on his side. So he quickly went through his contacts until Bisky’s name popped up and hit the call button. The phone began to ring.

“MMMMF! MPF! MMMMPF!” Killua continued to protest.

Gon ignored him. As did Nanika. The phone continued to ring.

“Gon?” Came Bisky’s unmistakable voice through the phone.

“Hi Bisky. How’ve you been.”

“Same old, same old”, Bisky answered. “Cut the pleasantries and tell me what you want. You’re not the type to call for no reason.”

Gon laughed a little helplessly at that. It was good to know that Bisky hadn’t changed.

“Yeah, you got me," Gon said. “I was wondering if you’d be willing to take on a new student.”

"Excuse me?! Who do you think I am! I don’t just take on anybody willy-nilly you know!”

“I know, I know. But hear me out, okay? I think you’ll find this one interesting.”

There was a moment of silence in which Bisky was obviously thinking and Gon held his breath.

“Fine”, Bisky finally said. “Hit me.”

Gon released his breath. “For starters, we’re talking about Killua’s younger sister.”

“Not a bad start, but you’ll have to give me more than that.”

“I was getting to it!” Gon pouted. “She’s being hunted by the Zoldyck family and we need someone to protect her while she learns to protect herself.”

“Do you take me for a babysitter?” Bisky’s voice went up by several octaves, but then turned into a low mutter. “Though taking on one of the Zoldyck’s would be an interesting challenge …”

“She’s also a specialist type Nen-user.” Gon piped in.

“Oh?” Heh! He knew this would catch Bisky’s attention. “I have to admit, that intrigues me. Specialists are rare, I haven’t trained any of those in a long time.”

“You don’t even know the most interesting part yet.”

Above him, Killua was glaring daggers. Gon answered by flashing him his most smug grin.

“More interesting than being a specialist?” Bisky questioned.

“Yep. But I’m afraid I can’t tell you what it is. Killua would never talk to me again if I did. You’ll just have to meet her and find out on your own.”

“Hmmmm …”

There was a long moment of silence in which Bisky was once again contemplating. Killua at least only looked a tiny bit less like he was about to commit mass murder, which was something at least. Nanika was still smiling away, like usual.

“Is the girl a Hunter?” Bisky finally said.

“Uhhh … no?” Gon answered.

“Is she strong enough to become one?”

Gon blinked. “I don’t think so …”

“But she knows Nen?”

“It’s .. complicated.”

“Fine.” Bisky huffed. “I’ll be frank with you; I’m interested in meeting this girl. A specialist type Nen-user that the Zoldyck’s are after, with a mysterious secret and who’s not capable of passing the Hunter Exam is one hell of a pitch.” A wide smile bloomed on Gon’s face. “But since you won’t tell me what this interesting thing is, I get to make a condition!”

“I’m listening,” Gon beamed.

“She needs to pass the next Hunter Exam.”

…

……

“What?” Gon croaked.

“She needs to pass the next Hunter Exam”, Bisky repeated.

“But … but that’s like a month from now!” Gon cried.

“Correct! But she has you and presumably the cheeky brat that always sticks to you like glue to train her.” Cheeky brat? Was she talking about Killua? “I only take on students with potential. If she can’t get ready for the exam in a month despite her Nen-Type, despite her lineage, and despite two highly proficient Nen-User training her, then she doesn’t have the kind of potential I’m looking for”

Gon glance over at Nanika. She seemed her usual otherworldly self, but Gon knew her well enough by now to see the determined glint in her black eyes, and the slight tension around her smiling mouth. It put a smile on Gon’s face. Bisky was right. Alluka and Nanika together could absolutely pass the exam.

“Deal!” Gon therefore said.

Killua was going to maim him.

“Then I’ll be waiting for the good news. Ta-taa.”

A click, and the Bisky was gone. Gon took a deep breath and lowered the phone, a gesture that spurred Nanika into action. Killua was unceremoniously dropped to the floor, and Nanika was quickly replaced by an anxious looking Alluka. Both siblings looked at him expectantly. Gon’s eyes flitted from one to the other, trying to figure out how to best break the news.

“She’ll have to pass the Hunter Exam next month.” Gon ended up saying.

There was a moment of silence, before Alluka broke out in cheers and Killua roared in rage.

“I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!”

The wrestling match began anew and Gon tried his damndest to survive Killua’s onslaught of fury. When they nearly knocked over the table, Aunt Mito finally had enough, grabbed both boys by the collar, and threw them out of the house.

Chapter Text

Gon’s head was steaming. The culprit? Math. The culprit would always be math. Why did math exist? Who had decided to create it? Why would they do such a thing? And who did Gon have to throw into a volcano to get their hands on that person so he could personally strangle all life out of them?

Judging by the constant stream of confused muttering next to him, Killua wasn’t faring any better.

“The equation says F of N and minus one and minus two but which one these parts is F supposed to be anyway? Wait, isn’t each part just a third of the previous part? Or is it a quarter? It kind of looks like a quarter.”

Why the hell did they have to learn about Fibocci sequences or whatever they were called anyway? As if Gon didn’t have enough on his plate already. He had to work on healing Killua, train Alluka for the exam, try and figure out which of his abilities were human and which ones were inherited from his mother, and now he had to catch up on homework as well?

To be fair, he had known that that last one was coming. It was always coming. Every single time they returned to Whale Island, Aunt Mito would haunt him and Killua until they sat down and caught up on their school work. They were both just very good at pushing that fact so far into the back of their minds, that it came as a surprise every single time Aunt Mito dropped the bomb.

This time, she had brought it last night at dinner. Gon and Killua had been going at each other all day and finally reached an agreement that Aunt Mito should have the last say on whether or not Alluka would try for the Hunter Exam. To Gon’s and Alluka’s delight (and subsequently Killua’s dismay), Aunt Mito was very much on board with the idea. Then, as if she had seen the chaos created by the Alluka issue and decided that, since things were going to hell anyway she may as well add fuel to the fire, she reminded them of their schoolwork.

Suffice to say Killua had been one hundred percent done with the world after that.

“Oh, I think I got it!” Killua exclaimed.

“You do?” Gon asked.

“Yeah, have a look; The numbers in the Fibonacci Sequence aren’t absolute numbers, not like how one meter is always one meter. They’re the numbers we need to multiply the unit with in order to know how big the side of the square needs to be. Let’s say we measure by meters and the smallest unit is 5 meters; the first number in the sequence is 1, so we need to multiply 5 with 1, so the square needs to be one meter long and high. The second number is also one, so still one meter. The third one is 2, so it's 5 times 2, which makes 10, meaning the square needs to be 10 by 10 meters. Then comes 3, so that’s what we need to multiply 5 with, meaning the next square is 15 by 15 meters, and so on and so forth.”

Gon let out a drawn out hum.

“I don’t get it”, he said.

“Hmmm … let’s try it this way -”

This was a pattern when Gon and Killua were working on homework. Killua was smart. Really, really smart. So he always understood the lessons and concepts much faster than Gon. Killua was also kind, so he explained the concept to Gon however many times he needed to understand it, too. In this particular case, it took Killua four attempts until Gon finally managed to wrap his head around the Fibboci … Fibci … Finacchi … whatever that stupid sequence was called.

Then Gon saw all the different ways in which it appeared itself in nature and just like that, he was entranced. Snail shells, sunflowers, ears, hurricanes, the pattern was everywhere. Gon hated math, but he suddenly found he wanted to learn all about this.

“I get the shells and the hurricanes”, Killua continued muttering to himself. “But what’s up with the roses? Those turns are too tight to fit into the sequence, so how am I supposed to apply that?”

Gon only had to take a single look at the picture to figure out the answer.

“There are multiple in there”, he leaned over to Killua and drew the curves into the picture. “See? These petals here build one sequence, then those, then here, and so on and so forth until we get a full circle.”

Killua’s eyes went wide. “Oooh, I get it. That’s actually really cool.”

This was also a pattern between them when they were working. Just like how Killua always understood the concept much easier than Gon did, Gon always had an easier time applying the concept in creative ways when he did manage to wrap his head around it.

“Ah, but the result isn’t correct”, Gon frowned when he worked on the sequence of the Galaxy.

“Let me see”, Killua leaned over. “Ooh, you found two sequences in there, that explains a lot actually.” His mumbling turned incoherent for a minute. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure you got the right idea. You just got the numbers mixed up, see?”

That way, with their combined might, they managed to work through their assignments quickly and two hours later, their schoolwork was done. What they would never understand was how Alluka always managed to finish her work faster than them.

The next item on today’s to-do list was to figure out Alluka’s training plan. Unlike Bisky, Gon and Killua had never trained anyone before, and unlike Gon and Killua, Alluka had no basis to work off, either.

“Can’t we just use the method’s Bisky used on us?” Gon asked.

“Doubt it, Killua answered. “I don’t think Alluka actually knows how to actively use her Nen yet. Do you?”

Alluka shook her head.

“Have her Aura Nodes even been opened yet?” Gon asked again.

“Good question. Alluka, give me your hands”, Killua commanded.

Alluka did as she was told and put her hands into Killua’s open palms. Killa closed his eyes for a bit and Gon could see Killua’s aura slowly enveloping Alluka’s. The longer this continued, the deeper the frown between Killua’s brows became.

“They’re closed, but …”, he said when he opened his eyes again, “something isn’t right. It’s subtle, so I can’t put my finger on it, but something is definitely off.”

Gon didn’t understand Killua’s confusion.

“Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?” He asked. “I mean, Alluka doesn’t live alone in her body. Having a normal Aura flow under those circumstances would be weird.”

Killua looked at Gon as if he had grown a second head.

“I can’t believe I didn’t think of that,” he mumbled, before turning back to Alluka. “Nanika, come out.”

Gon would never tire of watching the change happen. The way Alluka’s eyes and mouth slowly turned into those deep black voids and her Aura changed into something otherworldly, flaring for a minute or two before Nanika got it back under control. Gon hoped that he would someday earn enough of Nanika’s affection that she’d appear before him with nothing but a call, too. He was dying to just spend some idle time with her.

“Alright Nanika”, Killua smiled, turning his palms up once again. “Give me your hands.”

“Kay.”

The next thing Gon knew was that Killua’s blue eyes were staring straight at him and widening in confused surprised

“Gon …?”

It took a moment for Gon to understand what had just happened, but when he did, the reality of the situation instantly became clear. His instincts were flaring up. Alarm bells were ringing in his head, a sense of pure, unadulterated terror raising every single strand of hair on his body. Gon was familiar with this feeling. He had felt it from Hisoka before he had learned Nen. He had felt it standing in front of Mike. He had felt it the first time he’d encountered Pitou. Danger! Everything in him was screaming that what Killua was about to do was unspeakably dangerous. And so, Gon had moved, rushed to put himself between Killua and Nanika, grabbing their wrists in each of his hands so that they wouldn’t touch. All to stop Killua. He had to be stopped, no matter what!

“Gon, what are you doing?” Killua asked again.

“You shouldn’t do that”, Gon said.

His heart was pounding like crazy. He could feel the cold sweat breaking out on his skin.

“What?”

“Don’t touch Nanika’s Aura with yours.”

His voice sounded so far away. Could Killua even hear him this way?

“Hey … Gon …” Killua’s voice took on a soft tone and it managed to calm Gon down a bit. “Gon, can you please let go? You’re hurting us.”

Let go? No, if he did that, Killua and Nanika would surely touch. He couldn’t allow that to happen. So instead, Gon held on tighter.

“Gon …” Killua was trying his best to keep his voice calm, but the frustration was coming through loud and clear. It made Gon more frustrated, too. Why couldn’t Killua see how dangerous this was?

“Gon, calm down.” Killua tried again. “It’s okay. It’s just us. It’s just me. Gon, look at me.”

Gon did. Forced himself to look right into Killua’s eyes. They were calm and so, so blue. Like the sea after a storm, tranquil and steady and glittering beautifully in the sun. Killua’s eyes were always so pretty. Gon felt himself slowly calming down.

“That’s it.” There was a small smile on Killua’s face now. “No need to freak out. It’s just me. You … you trust me, don’t you?”

Yeah … yeah he did. Gon trusted Killua. Water was wet, the Sky was blue, and Gon trusted Killua. His grip on Killua’s and Nanika’s wrists loosened and his heartbeat somewhat returned to normal. He took a deep breath. He hadn’t even realized he’d been short on oxygen. Had he been hyperventilating? Or had he been too paralyzed with fear to even breathe properly.

“So ….”, Killua spoke again, “what was that all about?”

“I just … really don’t think you should do what you were about to do”, Gon answered.

“You mean check on Alluka’s Aura Nodes while Nanika is out?”

Gon nodded.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. It just gives me a really bad feeling. Like something terrible is going to happen if you do.”

Killua crossed his arms and cocked his head to the side, the way he often did when he was deeply contemplating something. In this case, what to do with Gon’s warning. Gon’s stomach was churning, a stone of anxiety tumbling around in the pit of his stomach.

“It’s not like I don’t trust you”, Killua started and already the stone in Gon’s stomach was sinking. “Your instincts are pretty much always spot on, so I’d be a fool to ignore them when they made you react like that.” Killua let out a small but frustrated sigh. “But Gon, do you really think Nanika would hurt me?”

Gon shook his head immediately. Yes, Nanika was powerful. Yes, Nanika was still very much a mystery. But there was zero doubt that Nanika loved Killua with all her heart and would purposefully do anything to hurt him.

Purposefully.

“So then, what are you so afraid of?” Killua asked again.

“Killua … how much do you actually know about Nanika?”

“Huh?” It was the wrong question to ask. Gon could see Killua closing up, going on the defensive. “Nanika is my sister. That’s all I need to know.”

“I didn’t mean it like that”, Gon tried to soothe. “I mean … Nanika isn’t human. She isn’t like you and …” He was about to say like you and me, but then, Gon probably wasn’t entirely human himself, was he? “Like you and Alluka,” he said instead. “Do you know how she’ll react when your Auras touch? What if she does something involuntarily? Like how being cold gives people goosebumps.”

Killua contemplated that for a minute. “Nanika, how well do you handle someone else’s Aura touching yours?”

“Don’t … know,” Nanika answered.

Killua pulled a face at that.

“Killua …” Gon was practically pleading now.

Killua was torn, his eyes darting from Gon to Nanika and back. Gon wanted to beg, to whine, to implore again and again until Killua relented like he so often did. But Killua spoke again before Gon could say anything else.

“Then what do we do instead?” He asked. “I mean, we can’t just leave her like that. There’s always a candidate or two who already know how to use Nen. What if they take an interest in her? What if she encounters another Hisoka or Illumi? What if Nanika comes out and someone makes the wrong wish? Or worse … what if someone doesn’t fulfill Alluka’s wishes?”

Gon hadn’t actually thought that far. All thought had stopped at keep Killua from touching Nanika’s Aura. But Killua was absolutely correct. Of course he was, Killua was smart. Killua always took possibilities into consideration that Gon would never even think of. And all of these possibilities were highly likely. They couldn’t let Alluka go on her own without understanding how her current situation worked. They also couldn’t leave Alluka to be dependent on Killua’s protection forever. But Gon also couldn’t allow Killua to touch Nanika’s Aura. So what were they supposed to do?

“I don’t know …” Gon finally answered.

Killua was silent for a long moment. His gaze lingered lovingly on Nanika, and he reached out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear. Nanika let out a pleased little sound at that.

“Gon”, Killua said, voice heavy. “I have to try.”

“Killua -”

“I know! I know, but. What other choice do we have? Besides,” he turned to smile at Gon, “you’ll protect me, right?”

Something in Gon’s heart twisted at those words. He loved them, he loved hearing sentiments like thos out of Killua’s mouth, but not like that.

“I trust you, Gon”, Killua said again, with a bit more confidence this time. “I trust Nanika, too. I trust that she won’t hurt me. And I trust that you’ll do something about it if anything does go wrong.”

Aaah. How was he supposed to argue against that? How was he supposed to deny Killua anything when he said things like that?

“Allright,” Gon said slowly. “I trust you, too.” Trust that Killua knew what he was doing.

Killua shot him one last smile and Gon finally released their wrists. Once more, Killua held out his palms. Once more, Nanika moved to put her own hands into his. Once more, everything in Gon screamed to put a stop to this. Killua’s fingers slowly wrapped around Nanika’s and his eyes closed. Gon could see Killua’s Aura gently flaring up as it moved from his fingertips into Nanika’s. Nanika wasn’t reacting. It was a good start. As much as Gon’s anxiety was spiking with every passing second, everything functioned as normal and Gon tried to tell himself over and over again that everything would be okay. Killua got this. Killua could do this. Everything would be fine.

And then Nanika’s Aura exploded.

It was unlike anything else Gon had ever seen or felt. Pitch black and all-consuming, a deep, deep darkness that swallowed anything in its wake. It forced him under, to the depths of the darkest sea, penetrated his eyes, his nose, his mouth, settled into his stomach and sploshing in his lungs, as if it was a liquid heavier and more suffocating than water. He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t scream. There was no fighting this Aura. There was no surviving it either. He was about to give up, let the darkness take him, when he spotted Killua. Killua, with his eyes wide open, yet unseeing. His mouth opening and closing, yet not speaking. His lungs heaving, yet not breathing. The Aura was stronger around him, flowing rapidly into him before returning to its owner. Gon could feel it in his very bones; Killua was dying. He was being devoured by the monster that clung to his wrists. Gon could not let that happen. Killua trusted him. He was waiting on Gon to come and save him. Gon had to fulfill that promise. Killua would not die. Not while Gon was around to do something about it.

So Gon scraped together every ounce of willpower he could find and called on his Ren. It took way too long, or maybe it took no time at all, until Gon emitted enough Aura to keep Nanika’s at bay and it felt like he could breathe again. Another endlessly long and endlessly short moment, and Gon could move again. He scooched to sit behind Killua, every movement feeling like his limbs were chained with endless weights, and put his hands on Killua’s back. Immediately, Nanika’s Aura enveloped him, too. It was brutal, it was as if being pushed under by water that weighed a thousand times as much. It was as if being caught in a river of magma endlessly colder than ice. It was as if being crushed by the king of mountains. No wonder Killua couldn’t fight against that. For a moment, Gon didn’t think anybody could. But then, he didn’t have the time to care what people could and couldn’t do. All that mattered was what he had to do. And what Gon was about to do was not something he had ever done before, but if he wanted any chance of saving Killua, he’d have to succeed at it now. So he gathered his Aura, bit by bit until it forced Nanika’s away from him, and pushed it into Killua’s, effectively making him an object to use Shu on. It was a slow, difficult process. With every inch gained, Nanika’s Aura was fighting against him more viciously, unwilling to let go of its prey. But Gon was just as unwilling to back down, and so he pushed and pushed and pushed. Inch by inch, centimeter by centimeter, his Aura fought against Nanika’s for possession of Killua’s body. Gon’s growing fatigue was trying everything to distract him. The barely beating heart beneath his palms did the same. The droplets of sweat rolling down his chin and tickling his legs when they landed there also tried their best. But Gon stayed focused and Gon didn’t let up. A single moment, a mere split second of diversion, of weakness and Nanika would swallow the both of them up and there would be no escape. So Gon fought on. It felt like it took forever. It felt like time stood still.

Finally, finally, Nanika’s Aura was pushed back into their conjoined hands and Gon broke their connection. Immediately Killua took a huge breath, as if he had just surfaced after spending as much time as his body could possibly handle under water. Then, he fainted backwards into Gon’s arm.

Gon reacted instantly. He cradled Killua into his chest and leaped several feet backwards, away from Nanika, away from the monster that had almost killed them both. His head was a mess of screams and voices, his every nerve stood on end, he could feel his heartbeat in his mouth. Nanika was dangerous. She’s wonderfully dangerous. He couldn’t escape her. Why would you want to? She hurt Killua. That’s right, so hurt her back. He couldn’t forgive that. Then don’t! He was angry. Furious. Unleash it all on her. He wouldn’t be able to touch her. Try it anyway. He couldn’t beat her. Then there’s no need to hold back. She was a monster. So are you. He didn’t want to fight her. Oh, but you do. Oh, but he did. Because you’re angry! She hurt Killua. She hurt Killua. So he was going to kill her. You can’t kill her. He wasn’t strong enough to kill her. That’s why you want to fight her. She was going to kill him. That’s the best way to go, isn’t it? It was because she hurt Killua. SHE HURT KILLUA!

The grin on Gon’s face turned manic, the pupils in his eyes turned small. Fight! He could hear the blood rushing through his veins, feel it moving in every single vessel. Fight! His vision and hearing became sharper and his nose so sensitive, he could practically taste the salt on Nanika’s body. FIGHT! He was like a bow, drawn back to its breaking point, ready to be released. FIGHT! He felt more alive than ever before. FIGHT!

He was going to die.

This was going to be fun.

“Gon … I can’t …. breathe.”

It was as if someone had doused a bucket of ice cold water over Gon’s head. The sound of Killua’s voice pulled him back down to earth violently. He remembered where he was, who he was with and what had happened. His head cleared up and the blood in his body froze. He had been about to attack Nanika. He had been fully prepared to rip her into tiny little pieces and be ripped to even smaller pieces in return. More than that he had looked forward to it, to fighting an opponent so much stronger than him, one he knew he couldn’t defeat, one who would most likely kill him.

Except, this was Nanika. Nanika would never purposefully hurt him. Gon believed that even now. If not for Gon’s sake, then because she knew that killing Gon would hurt Killua, and she would never purposefully hurt Killua. She would much rather let Gon kill her first.

He had been this close to killing Nanika - and by extension, Alluka.

He let go of Killua, still cradled into his chest. With the adrenaline and the rage out of his body, the exhaustion finally set in. He felt weak, like he’d been starved for months. At the same time, he felt sick to his stomach. Every ounce of him was shaking.

He glanced at Killua, who wasn’t doing much better. He was conscious, but much weaker than Gon, barely even capable of keeping himself on his hands and knees. He was shaking just as much, if not more, and while Gon felt like throwing up, Killua was actually retching. Gon barely even had the strength to crawl over to Killua. He wanted to rub circles into his back, pull his hair out of the way, anything to help, but was he ever allowed to do that when he had been this close to straight up murdering Killua’s favorite person?

The thought made his eyes snap to Nanika. Or rather, Alluka. Nanika had retreated back into her shell, leaving a freaked out, crying Alluka behind.

“I … I …” she stuttered when Gon met her eyes. “I’ll go get Mito!”

Killua barely managed to lift his head to look at her before Alluka was gone and both boys collapsed into the grass.

Chapter Text

It was nighttime when Gon awoke. He was back in their room, his body wrapped protectively around Killua’s. His memory was hazy. All he could remember were vague feelings. Bone chilling fear, the sensation of dying, the absolute need to protect Killua. Every single muscle in his body hurt. His head was pounding as if it was trying to split his skull open. His Aura was so weak, it almost felt like it wasn’t even there. What on earth had happened?

“Killua?” Gon called weakly.

Killua didn’t budge.

“Killua, wake up”, Gon tried again, a bit louder.

Killua still didn’t respond.

That wasn’t good. Killua never slept deeply. Hell, Killua barely ever slept at all. Just how deeply unconscious was he if he didn’t even respond to the call of his name? Gon tried shaking him a few times, but still nothing. Panic began to creep into Gon’s gut. Light and barely noticeable, but still there and Gon began to check Killua over. His Aura was weak, weaker than Gon’s even, which would explain why Killua was so deeply passed out. But it was there and Killua’s pulse, while weak, was at least steady. There weren’t any injuries on him either as far as Gon could tell. So Killua was weakened, but unhurt. He would recover with time. That was something, at least.

The sound of footsteps walking up the stairs caught his attention. He was familiar with that particular sound, knew whom those steps belonged to. But his head was pounding too much to remember. He couldn’t think straight.

Then, Alluka was at the door and just like that, all of Gon’s memories returned. His instincts warning him, Killua ignoring them, Nanika’s Aura exploding, fighting for Killua’s life, wanting to fight Nanika.
Gon jumped to his hands and knees, caging Killua between them. He knew Alluka would never hurt them, would never even think of harming her beloved big brother, but the sensation of being drowned and nearly consumed by Nanika’s Aura was still vivid and forced his body into action, rational thought be damned. Everything in him screamed to not let this creature anywhere near a defenseless Killua and this time, Gon would obey.

Alluka wasn’t faring much better. She froze in the doorway, eyes wide as saucers when she locked eyes with Gon. She began to tremble. It was subtle, but Gon’s enhanced vision allowed him to see it. The scent of fear wafted off her. Just like how Gon could still vividly remember Nanika’s overwhelming Aura, Alluka had to be remembering Gon’s all-consuming blood lust directed at her and Nanika.
They stayed like that for a solid minute, locked in a stalemate, none of them daring to move, or even breathe, in fear of escalation. It was finally Alluka who gathered her wits about her first. She slowly took a shaky step backwards, not unlike what Gon would do when he had accidentally encroached on the personal space of a foxbear. Then another. And another. With every step, Gon relaxed marginally until Alluka was out the doorway and rushing back down the steps. Then and only then, did Gon dare to breathe again. Seconds later, Aunt Mito was running up the steps instead and rushed into the room.

“GON!” She cried as she flew to embrace him. “Thank god you’re awake. Alluka was crying and panicking and we couldn’t get her to calm down and then we found you and you were so pale and weak and you just wouldn’t wake up no matter what we tried. What happened? How did you end up this way?”

What happened? Well, Nanika had almost killed Gon and Killua, and Gon had nearly killed her in retaliation. But the answer would mean nothing to Aunt Mito and it wasn’t like Gon had any clue as to how things ended up that way. Killua could probably figure it out, if only he would wake up.

“I don’t know”, Gon therefore answered.

His voice was rough. Felt like it was shot. Had he been screaming?

“You need to drink”, Aunt Mito separated herself from Gon and reached for the glass of water on the nightstand. Gon took it gratefully and downed it in one go. He hadn’t even realized how dehydrated he was until now.

“Better?” Aunt Mito asked when she took the empty glass.

Gon nodded.

“Alluka won’t tell me anything. She’s barely opened her mouth since she came screaming for help. You really don’t know what happened?”

Gon shook his head. “It’s not that I don’t know what happened, I just don’t know why. I couldn’t tell you anything that would clear up your confusion.”

It was odd enough that Gon himself wasn’t confused about it all. That the situation somehow made a sickening sort of sense to him despite having zero clue of the machinations that had led them to this point.

“I understand”, Aunt Mito relented. “We’ll wait until Killua wakes up. Hopefully, he’ll have some answers. Until then, you should come eat something. You’ve been out for twelve whole hours, you’re bound to be hungry. I made soup.”

Soup sounded good, but leaving Killua’s side? While he was completely and utterly passed out? No, he couldn’t do that. He wouldn’t do that. He moved to hover of Killua again and Aunt Mito immediately got the message.

“I’ll bring you a bowl to your room”, she said.

Gon smiled at her gratefully.

---

Killua finally woke up about an hour later. It was a slow process and Gon mostly noticed at first because the beating of Killua’s heart and the sound of his breathing had changed. It took several more minutes for Killua to move a muscle and twice as long for him to finally open his eyes.

“Killua”, Gon called softly.

“Gon?” Killua croaked weakly.

“I’m here!”

He gently moved a hand on Killua’s back and helped him sit up. If he was even half as weak as Gon had felt when he had first woken up, he’d need every bit of assistance he could get. And from the looks of him, eyes bleary, head lolling to the side, Aura barely noticeable, Killua was even worse off than Gon had been.

“We’re at home?” Killua managed to say, though his voice was rough and cracking.

“Yeah, we’re home. We’re safe. Here, you need to drink something. You’ve been out for a while.”

He reached for the refilled glass of water on the nightstand and gave it to Killua. Killua, unlike Gon, didn’t immediately down it. He just stared at the liquid in his hand, as if not really understanding what to do with it. It took a moment for Gon to understand what was going on in Killua’s probably very sluggish head, and he took the glass from him again.

“Don’t worry, it’s not poisoned. See?”

Gon took a few sips to demonstrate his point before handing the glass back to Killua. It took Killua a few more moments to piece together the information Gon had just given him, but then he finally lifted the glass to his mouth and drank.

“What the hell happened?” He asked when he had taken several gulps.

“We don’t really know," Gon answered. “We were hoping maybe you could figure it out. Keep drinking, it’ll help.”

Killua obeyed and drank another third of the glass.

“I feel like shit,” Killua groaned.

It brought a small smile to Gon’s face. If Killua could complain, that meant he was already halfway back to normal.

“Same here”, Gon said.

It was true, his muscles were still screaming and his head still pounding.

“Are you hurt at all?” Killua asked.

“No. Just exhausted. Nanika really did a number on us.”

“Oh yeah … Nanika. I remember trying to check on her Aura Nodes and then … then …”

Whatever color Killua had regained left his face immediately and cold sweat broke out on his skin.

“What the fuck”, he whispered to himself. “What was that?”

“Like I said, we don’t really know,” Gon answered. “Don’t think about it too much right now. Just focus on getting back on your feet.”

But Killua wasn’t listening and instead grabbed Gon’s shirt. He was working his way into a frenzy. Gon could tell.

“Alluka!” He breathed, eyes wide and fearful. “Where’s Alluka? Is she okay?”

“She’s fine”, Gon put his hands around Killua’s, the one that had fisted itself into his shirt. “A bit traumatized I think, but otherwise unhurt. She’s downstairs with Aunt Mito right now.”

“I need to see her”, Killua said. “I need to know she’s okay!”

He tried to climb out of bed before Gon could stop him, only to find that his legs were too weak to carry him and he collapsed on to the ground.

“Killua!” Gon followed suit. “Killua, slow down”, he chided softly. “You’re weak right now. I know you don’t like hearing that, but it’s true. You’ll just end up getting hurt if you push yourself too much.”

“I don’t care!” Killua bit back. “I need to see Alluka! Gon, please!”

As if Gon could ever say no to those pleading eyes. So he let out a small sigh and wrapped one of Killua’s arms over his shoulder. Unlike Killua, he’d had some time to drink and eat and regain his strength and so his limbs were a bit more sturdy. Sturdy enough to carry him. Hopefully, sturdy enough to support Killua as well.

His worries were unfounded, mostly because Gon had forgotten how light Killua was. His legs were still a little wobbly when he hauled himself and Killua up, but nowhere near weak enough to give out under him. Together, they slowly made their way out the door, step by step, and then down the staircase to the living room.

Aunt Mito was fast asleep on the couch and Alluka was curled up into a ball at her feet, eyes fixed on the fire crackling in the chimney. The two deercat had returned and were cured up on Aunt Mito. It would be a peaceful, domestic scene, if not for the acute awareness of what had transpired merely hours ago.

“Alluka”, Killua breathed when he laid his eyes on her.

Gon hadn’t seen wrong when she had come to their room earlier. Alluka was perfectly unhurt. Though that didn’t mean she was fine. She flinched almost violently when she heard Killua’s voice and her head snapped to them so fast, Gon was half worried she’d snap her neck. Tears welled up in her eyes, her mouth opened and closed as if she wanted to say something but couldn’t quite bring it out. And then, just like that, she bolted and was out of the door before Killua could even call her name, the deercat hot on her heels.

All the movement had startled Aunt Mito awake. Unlike KIllua and Gon, she was alert immediately, jumped to her feet and rushed to them.

“You shouldn’t be on your feet”, she chided, but she wrapped Killua’s other arm around her shoulder and together, they made their way to the couch, where Gon and Killua collapsed anew. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine”, Killua answered.

Gon froze at the answer. Just earlier, Killua had told Gon something very different. Was he just trying to ease Aunt Mito’s worries? No, Gon had a feeling there was something different at play here.

“Did you have anything to drink yet?” Aunt Mito continued to inquire.

“Gon made me drink a glass just now”, Killua answered dutifully.

“That’s good. Stay here, I’ll bring you some soup.”

A few minutes later, Killua had a steaming bowl of soup in his lap, and Gon another large glass of water. Aunt Mito meanwhile, had sat down in the armchair that used to be Grandma Abe’s favorite, before she passed away.

“Don’t worry about Alluka, she’s fine”, Aunt Mito said. “Or … well … she’s better than you two, at least. She won’t tell me what happened, though.”

Killua let out a deep sigh. “I don’t really know, either. I think … I think I accidentally triggered something when I was working with Nanika. Like a defense mechanism or something, I’m not sure. But I don’t really remember much after that. I’ll have to ask Gon and Alluka about the details before I can come up with any hypotheses.”

Aunt Mito frowned. “So Nanika did this to you?”

Killua flinched. “Kind of? Not on purpose, I’m sure, but essentially ... It’s kind of how your leg jerks when you hit that one spot on the knee with a hammer. If someone’s in the wrong position, you’ll kick them in the balls. I was the guy with the hammer, Nanika was the leg, and Gon and I were in the wrong position.”

That … was actually a really good analogy. It made all the sense in the world. Gon knew Killua would be able to understand this and explain it in a way that everyone could easily understand.

“I think I understand the gist of it”, Aunt Mito said. “So? Are you still going to continue training her?”

The uncertainty was all over Aunt Mito’s voice. She worried for all three of them, of course, and there was no way she could allow training to continue if something like this happened more often. Next time, Gon might not be able to keep his wits about him. Next time, one of them might not wake up again.

At the same time, she understood the necessity of it. With Ging gone, the three of them were practically stranded on Whale Island and as beautiful as the place was, Gon and Killua were too free spirited to stay here. It would only be a matter of time until the monotony of life here drove them insane.

“We will”, Killua decided. “But I’ll let Gon handle Nanika. He can tell when things get too dangerous. He tried to warn me earlier too, but I … I didn’t listen. Gon’s instincts are always on point, but I decided to go ahead anyway. I should’ve known better.”

Aunt Mito’s gaze turned to Gon. “Do you think you can handle that?”

“I …”

Honestly, Gon didn’t know. He was still rattled from the near death experience Nanika had bestowed upon him. Just thinking of her and Alluka sent deep, deep chills down his spine. A part of him wished he could just chuck them into the sea and never see them again. Another, much bigger part of him, felt sick at the very idea that this was something he wanted to do. This was still Alluka, the girl who had become as close as a sister to him. This was still Nanika, the mysterious being that wanted nothing more than to be smiled at. What on earth was wrong with him to wish harm on those two?

“I .. I think so”, Gon finally answered.

He didn’t believe his own words. Nobody could handle Nanika. Nobody except for Alluka.

---

The following day was … weird. Alluka clearly wanted to talk to them and spend time with them, but she stayed out of reach, running away whenever Gon or Killua spotted her. Gon couldn’t say that he didn’t understand her. He was doing the exact same, after all. It was an odd mixture of feelings that drove his actions. He loved Alluka and wanted nothing more than to hug her pain away. But at the same time, he couldn’t forget how Nanika’s Aura had felt and so he ended up scurrying away from her sigh whenever their eyes met as fast as his legs would take him.

Even more than hug Alluka, he wanted to talk to Killua, who was confused and frustrated at their behavior and made sure that both of them knew it. But Gon couldn’t forget what he had almost done, who he had almost hurt, killed, and the overwhelming guilt caused him to flee every time Killua spotted him.

Alluka had to be feeling similar. Loving Gon and Killua and wanting nothing more than to hug and be hugged in return, but too scared of Gon and too guilt-ridden at her own actions to approach them.
Aunt Mito was just sighing the day away at their antics, but didn’t bother intervening.

This charade continued until sunset, which was when Killua finally had enough. Once more, he caught Alluka’s eyes, once more, she turned to run. But this time, Killua would not let her get away. He activated Godspeed and seconds later, he had captured Alluka’s wrist just outside the house. Gon had seen all of it, hovering just outside the kitchen himself, and he rushed to their room, where he hopped out the window and climbed up on the rooftop. He could hear Killua and Alluka arguing from there and he followed the sounds until he was just above them, able to overhear everything clearly. Killua definitely knew Gon was there. After all, it wasn’t like Gon had gone into Zetsu or anything.

“- just about enough of this!” Killua barked. “You’re going to tell me all the details of what happened, right here, right now!”

“...”

“Alluka”, Killua’s voice was a warning.

“...”

“Don’t forget that I’ve been trained by our family and you haven’t. I can stay here and keep you here until you rot into the ground. So start talking!”

“I … I …” Alluka’s voice was thick. She was about to start crying, if she wasn’t already. “WE’RE SORRY!” She finally bawled. “It was an accident! We didn’t mean to hurt you! We didn’t know! Honest! We don’t even know why Nanika acted this way!”

Killua let out a deep sigh. Gon couldn’t see what Killua was trying to do, but it was upsetting Alluka.

“STOP IT!” She cried. “You don’t understand, we nearly killed you! We were going to kill you, we wanted to kill you! If Gon-nii hadn’t fought us off, you wouldn’t have stood a chance! We would have devoured you!”

“Devoured?”

“We don’t understand it either, but we think it’s something that Nanika does. Some kind of primal instinct, but we don’t know why or what for. We … we couldn’t stop it. I tried so hard to come back out and take control away from Nanika, but she was too far gone and I ... we …”

Her words dissolved into formless sobs.

“Is that why you’re suddenly so afraid of Gon?” Killua asked, voice low. “Because he fought you off?”

Alluka’s voice hitched. “He shouldn’t have been able to do that. No one in this place should be able to keep us from devouring.”

There was something odd about Alluka’s voice as she talked. Almost … almost as if it wasn’t just Alluka talking. And Killua clearly noticed it, too.

“Alluka?” He said.

“I …” Alluka started, coming back to herself from the sound of it. “No, that’s not why. It’s freaky, yes, but that’s normal for Gon-nii.”

“Then why? What aren’t you telling me?”

“After Gon-nii saved you from … from us, he … he freaked out somehow. He wasn’t normal. Not Gon-nii normal. We could tell, but we didn’t … something happened to him, but we don’t understand what or why. All we knew was that at that moment, he wanted to kill us. It shouldn’t have been possible, but we thought … we were scared that if we’re not careful, he might actually succeed. And Gon-nii was smiling so widely. It was scary.”

The eeriest thing? She was smiling the entire time.

Ging’s words echoed through Gon’s skull. So … this was a trait from his mother after all. The excited mania that came with wanting to challenge someone so strong, they could easily kill you if they so pleased. He had figured as much the moment Ging had told him about it. Though, this was the first time Gon had felt it in such a high stakes situation.

There was a long moment of silence. Gon wished with all his might that he could see Killua’s face right now. Just to know if Gon had crossed a line he could return to. Would Killua take his sister and leave? Think of Gon as another person she had to be protected from? Maybe. But then again, this had been an extreme situation.

“Uhm … onii-chan” Alluka started again. “Did something happen to Gon-nii at some point? Normal people shouldn’t be able to go up against Nanika, but …”
Another moment of silence. Then -

“No”, Killua said. “Nothing happened. Gon’s just weird like that. Thank you for telling me, Alluka.”

“Mhm …”

Yet another moment of silence, that ended when Killua let out another sigh.

“Alluka, listen. You too, Nanika. What happened yesterday isn’t your fault, so please don’t feel guilty. You didn’t know Nanika would react the way she did. If you did, you would never have allowed me to do what I did. This is my fault. I was too cocky. I thought, just because Nanika follows my commands, that this automatically means I’m in no danger from her. I underestimated her. I underestimated both of you. Nanika loves me, but Gon was right, I don’t understand her, and so I should never have messed with her. Nanika isn’t like us. That doesn’t make her a monster, nor does this make me love her any less, or you for being able to bond with her so deeply, but this does mean that I can’t treat her like I would a human. I need to learn what she is, what she reacts to, how she thinks and feels, and then meet her on her terms. I failed to do that yesterday. Hell, I was told straight to my face that I needed to do that and I deliberately disobeyed and that’s why things went so out of control. I’ll be more careful from now on so that this never happens again. And I’ll try my best to learn more about Nanika. Okay?”

“Okay.” Nanika’s voice was so thick, she had to be crying a waterfall.

“Will you let your big brother hug you now.”

Alluka let out a kloud cry and moments later, her sobs were muffled in what Gon could only assume was Killua’s shirt.

The sun was long gone by the time Alluka had cried all her tears and Killua had shooed her back inside. It was getting chilly. Whale Island had steady weather, sure, but there was still some fluctuation in the seasons. Winter nights were cold and summer days were hot and humid. Gon welcomed the chill. It felt a bit like deserving punishment.

“You can come down now”, Killua called.

Gon obeyed and jumped from the roof to land right next to Killua.

“Alluka said her piece”, he said. “It’s your turn.”

“You’re not going to shun me for nearly killing Nanika?” Gon asked.

Killua raised his eyebrows. “You actually think you could have killed her?”

“Not if she fought back. But I don’t think she was going to and I seriously wanted to kill her.”

“Gon”, his name sounded more like another tired sigh, “I felt that Aura too, you know. It was …” Killua ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. “I’ve never felt anything like it. Not from Illumi or Hisoka, not from my father or grandfather, not even from Pitou! There was no malice or killing intent in it, but I still thought I was going to go insane. Twelve years of my family’s torture was nothing compared to be being subjected to that for a few short minutes. You have zero torture training, but you still managed to resist that. Forget wanting to kill Nanika, I don’t even get how you’re still alive and lucid!”

Honestly, Gon wasn’t entirely certain he was. Lucid, that is. The terror he felt whenever he spotted Alluka had settled so deep into his bones, it was impossible to ignore. He idly wondered if he’d ever be able to talk to her normally again.

“Well?” Killua asked again. “You know how much I know. If we’re gonna figure this out, you’re gonna have to fill in the blanks for me. What happened after Nanika’s Aura went haywire?”
So Gon told him everything. Every detail he could remember. From the way his promise to Killua had emboldened Gon to fight Nanika’s aura, all the way down to the moment Killua had woken up in Gon’s arms a half a day later.

“- and well, you know what happened after that”, Gon said. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Killua asked, a little too calmly. He knew exactly what Gon was apologizing for.

“Wanting to kill Nanika.”

Killua rolled his eyes. “Didn’t you hear what I said to Alluka? None of this is your fault. You stopped me. You warned me. You pleaded with me. And I ignored all of that and rushed ahead anyway like the idiot I am.”

“Killua -” Gon started, but Killua wouldn’t have any of it.

“No, Gon! You know it’s true. You told me that I shouldn’t do it and I didn’t listen. You told me that it was dangerous and I didn’t listen. You told me I didn’t understand Nanika and I didn’t listen. I made Nanika lash out like that and you understandably freaked out after being subjected to her. None of you are to blame. The fault lies solely with me.”

“This isn’t a matter of whose fault it is!” Gon demanded. “None of it changes the fact that I wanted to kill Nanika. That I wanted to go down trying to kill her.”

“That’s nothing new, Gon. Whenever you encounter a fight or flight situation, you always go for the fight option.”

“Not like this!” Like he was going to love being torn to shreds.

“Not like what? Like you just lived through the most terrifying, torturous thing you’d ever encountered?”

“No, Killua listen to me!”

“I am listening to you, Gon. You went ballistic after saving me from Nanika. Something inside of you snapped and you were about to lash out. Fight the terrifying demon that nearly killed us in a desperate attempt to save us. Now listen to me for a change. I’m not gonna blame you for freaking out. For losing your mind, or nearly losing your mind when faced with … whatever that was and reverting to acting on your most basic instincts, which in your case, are fight, fight, fight. Not even if the person you wanted to fight is my sister because as it turns out, my sister devours people or some shit. You saved my life, Gon. Do you get that? Without you, none of us would be here anymore. I ignored your instincts, the most consistently dependable thing that has ever existed in my life, and it nearly killed me and I was helpless to defend myself and you somehow made it through that and saved both of us. What position am I in to blame any of you for anything you did when my actions nearly caused the two most important people in my life to destroy each other!?!”

Killua was panting heavily, eyes wide and wild and so obviously panicked and Gon could have kicked himself. Killua had been playing the calm mediator all day, but if Gon had paid attention to Killua and his feelings just for a moment, he would have seen it. Would have seen how freaked out he was about what happened, too. How much the guilt weighed down on him. How terrified he was about learning some of the true nature of the two monsters he kept at his side.

“I’m scared, Gon”, Killua’s voice broke. “I’m terrified of my own sister. Every time I see her, I relive that awful moment when her Aura swallowed me up and I want to run for the hills, as far away from her as I can get.”

Ah. So Gon wasn’t alone there. Killua was just as traumatized as he was. Well, if Killua could fight against it to continue being Alluka’s brother, then so could Gon.

“I keep thinking; what if it happens again? What if we don’t make it out alive next time? What if I get you both killed and I’ll be left all alone?”

“Isn’t that why you decided that I would be working with Nanika instead?”

Killua nodded miserably.

“And do you trust me?”

It was a bit more hesitant this time, but Killua still nodded.

“Then what’s there to be afraid of?”

That did draw a small chuckle out of him. The wobbly smile he sent Gon nearly took his breath away.

“You’re right”, Killua said. “When we’re together, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

Chapter Text

“We’re gonna go on a run!” Gon declared.

Killua gave him the familiar eye narrow that told Gon he was trying and failing to figure out what was going on his head. Alluka was nervously fidgeting next to Killua, not daring to meet Gon’s eyes. Truth be told, Gon wanted little more than to grab and throw her over the cliff into the sea. The sheer terror he felt from looking at her was slowly subsiding, but two days was nowhere near enough for things to become normal again. Still, Killua felt the same, but managed to keep it at bay. Gon would follow his example, even if it killed him. Alluka deserved that much after what he had nearly done to her.

“What?” Killua finally said.

“We’re gonna go on a run”, Gon repeated.

“No, no I got that. But like .. why?”

Gon didn’t take offense to Killua’s biting tone. It was early in the morning and Killua did not do well in the mornings. As a matter of fact, neither did Alluka. It wasn’t that she wouldn’t meet Gon’s eyes. It was that she barely managed to keep them open.

“It’s simple,” Gon said with as much cheer as he could muster. “The last few days have been … a lot. You know, what with Ging and Nanika and all that. I’m sure we’re all anxious and on edge. So, we’re gonna run all the way to the main harbor and back to get rid of all of that excess energy. And then we can all be friends again!”

“Gon”, Killua said, sounding exasperated to high heaven, “I usually love how you’re the biggest fucking weirdo to walk the planet. But do you really have to be that way at 6 in the morning?”

“Yep!” Gon said cheerfully.

Killua groaned and curled down into a squat. Alluka draped himself all over him.

It was nice to see, especially after last night. It wasn’t often that Killua and Gon slept any way other than wrapped around Alluka in her bed whenever they were home. But once in a while, when there had been a fight, Gon would sleep with Aunt Mito or Killua would stay downstairs on the couch. Yesterday had been one of those ultra rare occasions when all three of them had slept in separate locations; Alluka in her bed, Killua on the couch, and Gon on the roof, because he hadn’t even been able to get himself to cuddle up to his surrogate mother.

“Wait, did you say the main harbor”, Killua snapped up, causing Alluka to fall off him and plop onto the dewey ground. “The one that’s a day and a half away by foot?”

“Yep!” Gon answered again.

“We’re gonna run the entire way there and back?”

“Not only that, we’ll be back before the day is over. And no Godspeed allowed!”

Killua was gaping. “You’re crazy! Absolutely insane! You’ve finally lost the last of your marbles.”

“No, I don’t think so,” Gon beamed back.

“That would be a challenge even for the two of us. Not a super hard challenge, but still a challenge! And you want Alluka to do that? She’s gonna die before we even left the forest!”

“No, I won’t!” Alluka slurred. Good to know she still had her rebellious/competitive streak in her, despite what had happened. “I can do it!”

“Yeah, I think so too”, Gon nodded gravely. “It’ll be super hard for her, but I believe she’s got what it takes.”

He looked from one sibling to the other. The older one got back on his feet, though he really looked like he’d much rather be anywhere else. The younger one still trembled whenever she looked at Gon. It was far from the peaceful normal Gon wanted to see, but he would have to keep the mood up.

“Everyone ready”.

“No!”

“Kinda?”

Gon ignored both of them.

“All right, let’s get going. Follow me!”

Killua groaned and Alluka whined, but none of them boycotted Gon’s plans and obediently began trotting after him. A minute or two in, Gon picked up the pace. Killua and Alluka followed suit. So Gon picked up the pace again. Killua and Alluka still kept up. Then Gon switched into a light jog. Killua and Alluka followed suit. And that’s when the largest of grins spread onto Gon’s face. They could have fun with this. Gon would be able to make them have fun with this!

Gon hadn’t decided that the three of them should run up and down the entire island on the fly. No, he’d spent most the night awake, thinking about how to get the three of them back to a place of harmony.

Killua and Alluka’s relationship had been a bit strained even before they had come back. Alluka was very clearly going through a rebellious phase, where she constantly fought with her brother, the one seriously commanding authority figure in her life. Fighting against boundaries, trying to figure out how far she could push, how much control she could take, what the world functioned like, who she was outside of the restrictions Killua put on her, if the glass would really break if she pushed it off the table. She was where Gon and Killua had been when they were twelve and rebelled against their family so they could leave home and figure out those same things. And Killua … was not handling it well. He understood that this was necessary, obviously. Hell, he’d come to Gon for help when this exact thing wasn’t happening, but … well, the previous few days - at least the ones where nothing had toppled their little world upside down, kind of spoke for themselves. Gon idly made a mental note to put that in his little notebook to evaluate if this was an inner wound, or just Killua being Killua.

Alluka herself was getting restless. The more she grew, the less content she seemed hiding away on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. She was itching to explore her own limits and that was probably the reason why she had become more attached to Gon than Killua during their last few visits. Where Killua was constantly trying to keep her safe by restricting her movements, Gon delighted in throwing her headfirst into a lake and laugh as she clumsily figured out how to swim.

Then there was the leftover strain from when Gon had blown up on Killua. Sure, the air had been cleared, but it had left Gon with endless frustrations due to the many revelations he’d had. And so far, he hadn’t even had any time to go through his little notebook and work through his observations. Killua had to be feeling similar after effects. After all, Gon had acted rather weird, still hadn’t shared what was on his mind, and while Killua hadn’t asked since the train ride to Tobons, his tendency to cook up and endless array of stupid thoughts made Gon doubt that Killua had stopped wondering about it all and working himself into a frenzy.

And … well .. the Ging and Nanika issues spoke for themselves. In Gon’s case, that came with the added load of anxiety when thinking about which one of his traits might not be normal. And sure, Gon had never exactly been normal and in a way, he’d understood that. He was perfectly aware that his behavior often left people baffled, sometimes even straight up freaked out. He’d never understood why of course. The way he saw it, everyone was unique, which meant that everyone would approach the same situation in a unique way, or think through a problem in a unique way. But in his case, literally everyone seemed to think of Gon as strange, if not even a little bit insane, and so he had eventually just chalked it up to him just being a bit more unique than most. Never in a million years would he have thought that it might be because some of his behavioral traits might be literally not human. It bothered him. It bothered him a lot.
So that’s where they were right now. Every one of them was weighed down by issues. Every single relationship in this triangle felt draining to the involved parties right now. Thus, Gon had thought. He had thought and thought and thought on that rood, huddled up in blankets, and looking up at that starlit sky that reminded him so much of Killua’s eyes. He had thought and then thought some more and he had gotten nowhere. Once he realized that, he had decided that they were currently not in a place where things could be fixed and problems could be solved. Which meant the first step was to change that.

If you want to get to know a person, find out what makes them angry. That’s what Aunt Mito had always said. And she was correct, but what Gon hadn’t understood at the time was why this was the case. It had taken him all this time to get it. Until he had blown up on Killua, talked through his anger with Leorio, and gotten advice on how to manage it from Melody. It wasn’t the anger that made you get to know someone. It was how raw and honest and vulnerable people became when the anger was out of their system and there was no more energy left to put up walls or pretenses.

But Killua had too much self-control to let his anger take over, Alluka had yet to reach the point where she could be truly enraged, and Gon had done enough lashing out to fill a lifetime. Plus, all three of them were already raw and honest and vulnerable, so it wasn’t like there was anything more to learn. But the one thing that an outburst of anger did was unleash energy. Screaming, yelling, tensing up, all of that was draining. And it reminded him of how he had begun to parkour whenever the anger rose up in him and it helped to get his mind focused. He also remembered how happy and elated he felt every single time after he and Killua had a go with each other; because they could keep up with each other and because of that, truly challenge each other. Each challenge left him exhausted, but in the best possible way. And the way Killua smiled in those moments, and how the giggles bubbled out of his chest no matter how breathless he was, told Gon that it wasn’t just him. Exercising, pushing your body to the limit, especially with people you love and in ways you enjoy, had to be doing something to your brain that left you exhilarated and giddy and all that other good stuff. If he could do this with Alluka and Killua, really make all three of them push their bodies to the limit in a way that left them feeling like this, then maybe that was where they could start rebuilding things.

So once more, he upped his speed. Once more, Killua and Alluka followed. And once more, Gon’s heart soared. He continued that, bit by bit, until his sensitive hearing picked up a slight change in Alluka’s breathing. An action that had previously been intuitive was turning purposeful. It was exactly the place Gon wanted her to be in. It was easy enough for her now, but in a few hours, she would be seriously pushing herself trying to keep up this pace.

Not him and Killua though. They had done this before under harsher circumstances when they had only been twelve and hadn’t discovered Nen yet. They were older now. Stronger. If Gon wanted the two of them exhausted by the end of the day, they would have to switch up several gears. So after a few more minutes of the current pace, Gon turned round, never breaking his momentum and grinned brightly at the siblings.

“Hey Killua”, he cried. “I bet I can make it to the harbor and back to Alluka before you can!”

Killua looked unimpressed. “Did you forget what my Hatsu is?”

“No Godspeed allowed, remember?” Gon grinned.

If the smile was a little smug, well … he would just feign confusion.

“Damn, that’s right”, Killua clicked his tongue before turning to his sister. “What do you think? Can I win this?”

“No idea”, Alluka smiled back. “You’ll just have to find out.”

“You heard her”, Killua turned back to Gon. “Let’s do this!”

The smile on Gon’s face went so wide, his cheeks hurt. But he would have to lay down some ground rules to Alluka first.

“No slacking, Alluka”, he said to her. “I can tell where you should be by the time we get back if you keep up this tempo. If you’re not at least at that point, I’ll decide that you don’t have what it takes and send you back home.”

“Watch me!” Alluka protested.

Perfect! Alluka was fired up, Killua was fired up, the game was on.

“Ready, Killua?” He said.

“You bet!”

“Then, on three.”

“One.”

“Two.”

“THREE!”

And off they went.

The forest rushed by them in a blur of browns and greens, the clearest thing Gon could see being Killua himself. They swerved past trees, hopped over bushes and roots, and ducked under saplings and low hanging branches. The wind was howling in Gon’s ears, his heart was pounding in his chest, his body felt like it was truly coming alive. This was it! This was what he was looking for. Killua was laughing somewhere next to him and Gon’s head whipped around to meet his gaze. A single look was enough for them to have an entire conversation and decide that running wasn’t enough. And so, each of them leapt high into the air, landing on the branches of the massive trees. They repeated that, again and again until they had reached the top of the forest and were leaping as high as they could and for a few blissful seconds, every jump felt like they were soaring above the trees. A few jumps in, Gon was no longer capable of containing all of this joy within him.

“YAHOOOO!” He yelled at the top of his lungs the next time they were high above the trees.

The smile that this simple little thing put on Killua’s face was everything. Bright and joyful and elated and looking was about to burst himself. And truly, the next time they met each other's eyes high above the trees, it was Killua who was shouting from the top of his lungs.

“WHOOOHOOO!”

The laughter bubbled out of Gon at the sound. Killua was happy. Killua was happy and smiling and cheering and everything was right with the world. What reason could there be not to laugh?
Gon jumped back down to the forest floor after that, wanting to push his speed to the limits for a while rather than his jumping prowess and of course, Killua followed. When they were satisfied doing that, they leapt back up to jump over the trees.

“I can see the end of the forest!” Gon yelled on jump number nine.

“Already?” Killua yelled back. “Let’s get back on the ground then.”

Said and done. The two jumped back down to the forest floor, racing side by side past the rapidly spinning trees until they could see the fields leading into town. Gon looked at Killua, only to find his friend already grinning back at him. One look was enough. All Gon needed to know what Killua wanted to do, what Gon wanted to do, what they both wanted to do together. The moment they exited the forest, Gon put every ounce of his strength into his legs and kicked his feet off the ground as hard as he could. For the next few minutes, this would no longer be a marathon, but a full on sprint. Killua was right next to him as they practically flew over the wide fields of grass. Before they knew it, they had reached the city, but there was no way Gon was going to slow down. Once they reached the denser parts of the city, both of them leaped upwards again, flying from wall to wall until they had reached the rooftops and that’s where the race continued. From one row of houses to another, leaping over gaps and streets until they could finally see the first ships on the ocean. At the very last house before the harbor, Gon gathered his Aura into his feet and jumped. When he saw Killua flying next to him out of the corner of his eye, Gon knew they once again had the same idea.

The jump took them all the way to the hull of the biggest ship at the harbor. Killua and Gon turned midair so that their would land feet first on the side of the ship. Then, with as much power as they managed to channel into their legs within the split second, they catapulted themselves back towards where they came from, almost capsizing the ship in the process and throwing just about everyone on it overboard.

“SORRY ABOUT THAT” Gon yelled over his shoulder.

Killua was just cackling.

Neither of them slowed down, though. Well, no Gon did actually slow down a little bit. Before this point, he had had just a tiny bit of a lead on Killua, and he would need it here. While Gon clumsily jumped over people and slipped under stands so as to not run into anybody, Killua weaved seamlessly through the masses, seeming to actually gain speed in the process. By the time they were out of the busiest streets, Killua had easily gained a half a meter on Gon. But hey, what was challenging Killua all about if he couldn’t give him the ultimate challenge? At the very latest, Gon would catch up once they reached the forest again. Killua was swift and much nimbler than Gon, but Gon still knew these woods much better. That’s how he had gotten that lead to begin with.

There was no jumping over the tree crowns on their way back. Killua was focused now, determined not to let Gon catch up to him and it brought an almost manic smile to Gon’s face. He expertly navigated every tree, every bush, every root, all to chase that mesmerizing back in front of him. There was a thrill unlike any other to chasing Killua. One that made his breath catch and the sounds disappear and his feet feel like he was stepping on air. Killua was always either walking behind Gon or next to him, but at this moment, Gon knew that, should Killua ever turn his back to him, he would chase that back to the ends of the earth. With every step, Gon came a bit closer and closer and closer and finally, he reached out to grab Killua’s shirt.

That was a mistake. Killua startled so hard, he promptly stumbled over the uneven forest floor and Gon, being this close to him at such high speed and his hand fisted in Killua’s shirt, tumbled right down with him. They rolled over the floor together, a ball of two tangled limbs bouncing through the foliage with no chance of keeping their orientation. When they finally stopped, Gon was planted face first on the floor with a mouthful of dirt and Killua’s legs on his back.

“Ooooow,” Killua groaned. “What the hell, Gon?”

Gon spat out the dirt in his mouth.

“Sorry”, he groaned back. “That was stupid of me.”

“Ya think!?!”

Despite the snappy tone, Killua made no move to get up from his current position. Gon seconded this choice. He was out of breath like he hadn’t been in a long time and he could actually feel the muscles in his leg for a change. He was far from powered out, but he definitely needed a break.

“How far away is Alluka?” Killua asked after several moments.

Gon sniffed the air, only to realize he didn’t have to. Alluka was close enough for him to hear her. Impressive, he hadn’t expected her to be in hearing range from their current position for another half an hour at least. Hopefully, she wasn’t pushing herself too hard.

“She’s close”, Gon answered. “Only a few minutes away.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

Killua finally moved his legs off Gon’s back and pushed himself into a sitting position. Gon followed. Once again, they caught each other's eyes before bursting out in giggles. Gon didn’t even know what they were laughing about and Killua probably didn’t either. Who cared anyway? They were happy and they were laughing, what else could possibly matter?

“ONII-CHAN! GON-NII!” Came Alluka’s calls from within the forest

Gon and Killua promptly jumped to their feet. There was a cold shiver running down Gon’s spine as he heard that voice and pictured the person it belonged to, but he pushed it to the back of his mind.

“ALLUKAAA!” Killua called back, waving his arms.

They couldn’t see her yet, but maybe she could see them from wherever she was, so Gon joined the waving with gusto.

“ALLUKA! HEY!” He yelled as well.

There she was, popping out from behind a tree and hopping over a small bush. Her cheeks were rosy, there was a definite sheen of sweat on her face, and her breathing had turned laborious. But her smile was wide and her eyes were shining and her pace was faster than the one they’d left her with. It had to have been at least an hour, probably closer to two since they’d left her. Gon’s chest swelled with pride. It was an amazing feeling, watching his little duckling perform so well. No wonder Killua loved gushing over her so much, he probably felt that exact feeling every time he so much as looked at her.

“Are you back already?” Alluka asked when she caught up with them.

Gon and Killua didn’t allow her to rest, opting instead to fall into pace with her.

“Yep!” Gon beamed.

“And you’re not tired yet?” She sounded a bit disbelieving.

“Nope”, Killua answered. “Not even close.”

“A little out of breath maybe, but that’ll resolve itself if we run with you for a bit,” Gon added.

“Speak for yourself. I’m perfectly fine”, Killua sneered.

Yeah right. Like he hadn’t just spent several minutes on the forest floor with Gon because he was too winded to move.

“What?” Killua snapped when he caught Gon’s side-eye.

“Onii-chan is li~ar,” Alluka sang.

“AM NOT!” Killua spluttered.

“Are too,” Gon smirked.

“Are too,” Alluka mimicked him.

“You two ….”

Another laugh bubbled out of Gon.

“Oh no, he’s mad”, he laughed and grabbed Alluka’s wrist. “Let’s run!”

“HEY! COME BACK HERE!”

Something at the back of his mind prickled when he pulled Alluka with him. He should still be afraid of her. He should not want to be touching her. He should be tossing her all the way to the other side of the forest and hope she never finds her way back. But he’d been able to push those feelings down all day and they were never less noticeable than now, when his heart was still working so hard to pump blood to his muscles and his lungs were still lacking oxygen and his belly was still so full of laughter and every cell in his body radiated euphoria. For this moment at least, the monster was gone and only Alluka remained. The sweet girl that somewhere along the lines had become Gon’s beloved little sister as well.

Killua caught up with them within the minute and grabbed Alluka’s other wrist. This time, Gon didn’t even have to catch Killua’s eye to know what he was up to. Together, they leapt back up the branches, this time with Alluka in tow. Up and up they went and Gon delighted in Alluka’s growing confusion. After all, she had no idea what Gon and Killua had gotten up to earlier. So when they made it to the top of the trees and lept high above the treetops, they were rewarded with a delighted gasp from Alluka. But the fun wasn’t over yet. When they had reached the zenith of their jump, Gon and Killua swung her once, then twice, then threw her up even higher into the air. Alluka let out an ear splitting shriek.

“NOOOOOOOO! ONII-CHAAAAAN!”

It was telling of just how much deeper the bond between Killua and Alluka ran that even when they fought, even when things were tense, Alluka always cried out for Killua when she was scared. Not that there was anything to be scared of. Gon and Killua had landed on a branch and catapulted themselves upwards again by the time Alluka had reached her new zenith. They rose as she fell and each one of them grabbed one of her wrists when they met in the middle and threw her up again. She shrieked again, loud enough to scare the birds out of their nests.

“Alluka!” Killua cried on his way back up. “Try and turn yourself to face downwards and reach out for us!”

“AND HOW EXACTLY AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?” She screeched.

They caught her a second after that and threw her up in the air again.

“Just give it a try!” Gon yelled up at her. “You’ll figure it out!”

“NOT EVERYONE IS A WILD ANIMAL, YOU NINCOMPOOP!”

Gon blinked. He was pretty sure this was the very first time he’d heard Alluka swear, even if it was rather tame. She had to be seriously freaked out.

“HEY! LANGUAGE!” Killua shouted.

They caught her again and threw her back into the air.

“LIKE YOU DON’T HAVE THE WORST POTTY MOUTH OUT OF ALL OF US!” Alluka bellowed.

“WATCH IT, MISSY! I’M GONNA LET YOU FALL!”

“DO IT THEN! GON-NII WILL CATCH ME!”

They did, in fact, not let her fall. Killua would never and Gon and Alluka both knew it. It took a few tries, but Alluka eventually figured out how to use the momentum from the throw to flip herself into position. So when she fell head and arms first, Gon and Killua could use the momentum from breaking her fall to throw her back up even higher. Before long, Alluka’s shrieks of terror turned into shrieks of laughter.

She was enjoying herself so much that she ended up looking a little bereft when she first spotted the edge of the forest. Killua caught in a bridal carry then and the three of them returned to the ground to continue their actual run. It was necessary though. Despite glowing like she’d just been told that Christmas was coming early, Alluka was very much out of breath and out of strength. Understandable, seeing as she had just spent several hours learning how to handle her body in midair. It was actually amazing that it only took a single session. Had to be the Zoldyck blood running through her veins.
By the time they reached town, Alluka was panting up a storm and Gon and Killua decided it was high time for a break. Noon had just passed and all three of them were hungry, so Gon chose a nice little restaurant in the center of the town, where all three of them practically melted into their seats the moment they sat down. For a few moments, there was blissful silence. Then, the giggling started again. Gon had absolutely no idea who the first person was but soon, all three of them were bending over, laughing and laughing until they couldn’t breathe. The waiter actually had to leave and come back later because they were laughing too hard to order.

“What is wrong with us?” Alluka asked when she managed to speak again. “Up until yesterday it looked like we would never talk to each other again, and now we’re all laughing so hard, we scared the poor waiter away.”

“You don’t hang around Gon enough,” Killua answered. “That kind of whiplash is just par for the course with him. One moment you think you’re gonna die, the next you’re in a shouting match about who is more stupid.”

Was Killua talking about their first time in Yorknew? Yeah, that sounded a lot like their first time in Yorknew.

“Hehe. Thanks,” he smiled sheepishly.

“That wasn’t a compliment, idiot.” That’s what Killua said, but there was no bite in his words.

The next time the waiter came, they did actually manage to order. Several large jugs of water because they hadn’t had anything to drink since they started, and while Gon and Killua could handle that easily, Alluka was a little less prepared for such conditions. Then, of course, seafood dishes. Orange Salmon for Killua (because it tasted sweet), Cioppino for Gon (because he loved his variety), and Crab Legs for Alluka (because she was a little princess with taste buds to match, thanks to Killua endlessly spoiling her).

They took their time with lunch. With Alluka performing much better than Gon had expected, they were way ahead of schedule and had time to kill. Killua used it to practically inhale five whole pieces of Tiramisu, while Gon relaxed with a banana smoothie, and Alluka tried to regain some energy with some coconut water. It was wonderfully peaceful and Gon found that he wouldn’t mind just sitting here for the rest of the day, bathing in the sun and the presence of two of his most important people.

But alas, they did have to make their way back. So after a full hour and a half of drinking, feasting and relaxing, the trio got back on their feet and made their way to the edge of the town.

“How’re you guys holding up?” Gon asked.

“All good”, Killua drawled, already stretching.

“Same here. I can make it home just fine,” Alluka added.

“Then let’s go!”

The trek back was quiet at first. They started at the same pace they ended with before their break and kept it for a while, mostly so that Alluka had time to get into a rhythm. But to be honest, after already running back and forth once full throttle, and then flinging up Alluka again and again, Gon was actually starting to get a little tired. Not so much that a run at this pace would truly tire him out though, and if he wasn’t at that point yet, then Killua would definitely be nowhere near pooped enough by the time they made it back home.

“Hey Killua”, Gon therefore started.

“What?”

“What are we gonna have for dinner?”

“Huh?” Killua’s eyes narrowed at him in that oh so familiar way. “We just had lunch. Why are you thinking about dinner already?”

“It’s just … we’ll be in the woods soon. There’s plenty of game to catch there.”

Killua’s face lit up as he understood what was going through Gon’s mind. Alluka glanced from one to the other, still confused.

“Alluka”, Killua turned to his sister, “what would you rather have for dinner; Red meat, poultry or fish?”

“Uhm … we just had fish for lunch so … poultry, I guess?”

Killua grinned up at Gon and Gon grinned right back.

“Same as before, Alluka”, Gon said. “No slacking.”

“OKay, but what’s going on? Where are you going?” She was looking very confused.

“We’re going hunting”, Gon answered.

“We are hunters, after all,” Killua added, before turning back to Gon. “No Nen, no sneaking and no slowing down. We either catch the birds before they can react, or we straight up pick them out of the sky. We have until Alluka is halfway back home.”

Gon’s grin turned huge. “You got it.”

“Ready?” Killua asked once they had reached the forest.

“Born Ready!”

“Then, on three.”

“One.”

“Two.”

“THREE!”

And once more they were off, this time in opposite directions. At first glance, this should be Gon’s win all the way. He had grown up with these woods and the animals that lived here, had spent his entire childhood hunting all sorts of creatures whenever Aunt Mito needed some fresh meat. Add that to his highly developed senses (which he was also starting to suspect may be due to his mother’s genes) and this shouldn’t even be a contest.

But Gon knew Killua better than that. He knew that Killua would love this seemingly impossible challenge and would work all the harder to beat it. He knew that Killua was smart and crafty and would come up with ways to counter Gon’s advantages. He knew that Killua would go at this expecting Gon to bring his A-Game. So that’s exactly what Gon would do. He sharpened his sense as he leapt from branch to branch, his eyes, his ears, his nose, to pick up on even the tiniest movements around him and within seconds, he had several birds around him located. He quickly formed a game plan and then changed directions to go after the nearest bird. A small Spotted Sparrow to start off with, just to warm up a little bit. He snatched it right off a branch before it even knew what hit it. A Coat-Tailed Woodpecker was next, though this one he actually had to startle so he could snatch it as it began its flight. He went for a Horned Cuckoo after. Every catch was a bit bigger than the next, a bit harder to get a hold of, though the real challenge wasn’t even catching the birds. It was catching them in rapid succession, processing the information all of his senses gave to him in split seconds, planning ahead, and then actually making his body follow through with the endless rapid changes in movement type, speed and direction. In a way, it was much more exhausting than his earlier race against Killua. All in a desperate but exhilarating attempt to keep up with his best friend.

Which is why Gon was utterly flabbergasted when he returned to Alluka’s side a couple of hours later, only to find Killua locked in a glaring match with a single Mean-Faced Hawk.

“Don’t ask me”, Alluka answered Gon’s unasked question. “He came back with that hawk a few minutes ago shouting profanities at it and it was screeching right back. Every bet if that hawk could talk, it would give Onii-chan’s potty mouth a run for its money.”

“It needs to be put in its place”, Killua hissed.

The hawk hissed back.

And Killua thought Gon was the weird one.

The oddest thing though, was how Killua was sweating no less than Gon was at this point. A soft but unmistakable sheen on his skin that made it glitter every time it caught in the sun. How on earth had a single hawk managed to make Killua work himself into a sweat? Gon was almost afraid to ask.

Almost.

“Shaddap!” Killua snapped at the question.

The hawk snapped, too.

Why did this feel like a Zoldyck sibling spat all over again?

“Don’t question it”, Alluka dead-panned.

Gon promptly decided that she had the right idea.

At this point, all three of them were thoroughly out of breath. 35 kilometers. That’s how far it was to the main harbor from Aunt Mito’s house. Meaning the trek there and back spanned 70 kilometers. The reason why the estimate for that was a day and a half was because it was measured in walking distance, not running distance. Plus, several breaks were calculated into that, including a long lunch break. Gon and Killua had covered that distance three times over, in ways that were much more exhausting than a normal run, and there was no way Alluka was used to this amount of exercise. Gon’s muscles were burning, Alluka was panting and Killua’s brows were pulled tight in a concentrated frown, only occasionally glaring at the hawk in his grasp. The sun was going down and there were still ten kilometers left to go. Time to finish it up.

“Final spurt?”, Gon asked into the round.

“Eeeeeh?” Alluka asked. It sounded more like a whine.

“Is this supposed to be some kind of torture?” Killua asked.

“I caught us dinner”, Gon said with a smug sideways glance at Killua. It was met with a cat-like hiss. “Would be a shame if we arrived home too late to eat any of it.”

“Ugh, fine”, Killua rolled his eyes.

“Ueeeeeh,” Alluka was definitely whining this time.

“Come on, Alluka, you got this”, Gon beamed as wildly as he could. “Let’s go!”

Killua took that as his cue and shot off first. The hawk screeched bloody murder when he did.

“HEY, NO FAIR! THAT’S CHEATING!” Gon yelled, accelerating into a sprint himself.

“YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SAID ‘GO’! NOT MY FAULT YOU’RE SO SLOW TO REACT!”Killua cackled back.

“HEY GUYS, WAIT FOR ME!” Alluka called from somewhere behind him.

It was a surprisingly difficult sprint home. Halfway there, Gon’s muscles went from burning to screaming, but Killua was beginning to slow down, so Gon pushed them anyway just to catch up. Five Kilometers later, they were neck and neck. On the last Kilometer, they were gritting their teeth. When they finally exited the forest, they were tired and out of breath enough to collapse onto the grass. Killua on his hands and knees, finally releasing the very, very offended hawk (it pecked Killua a few times before flying off), and Gon on his behind. For a long moment, they both just sat there, panting like there was no tomorrow.

“That felt … good”, Killua huffed.

“Yeah,” Gon answered. “Been a while … since we … went all out like that.”

Killua chuckled. It wasn’t the light, airy type of giggle that had sent them into laughing fits twice today. No, this was different. This sounded like a reaction to something that was on Killua’s mind.
“What are you thinking about?” Gon asked.

“It’s just …” Killua started, “I forgot what this feels like. There’s always been something weighing me down since the day we ran from Neferpitou and left Kite behind. But right now, it feels like we’re thirteen again and on Greed Island and we’re absolutely pooped after Bisky’s hellish training and everything’s a game and there’s nothing to worry about except how to drag our tired bodies to the dinner table.”

Ah. Gon could relate to that. The entire NGL saga had been … a lot. And then Killua had left and Gon had lost his Nen and then they had to figure out what to do with Alluka. But after that? After that, things had been pretty peaceful, with a few short lived exceptions, Ging’s departure and Nanika’s mishap included.

“So something’s been on your mind even after we started traveling together again?”

Killua’s eyes snapped open wide and he froze. So there really had been something. Odd, Gon hadn’t been able to tell at all, when he could usually read Killua like an open book. The blush that rose to Killua’s cheeks made the entire thing even more confusing. Because Killua blushed incredibly easily when he was embarrassed, or confronted with something embarrassing (read: when Gon said something he classified as embarrassing), but those were always reactions to an outside source. What could possibly be going through Killua’s mind that would elicit the same reaction, and right after that deer-in-headlights look?

“Y-Yeah”, Killua mumbled, before turning his head away. “But it’s nothing serious. Just … me being stupid.”

Gon was about to protest, because Killua was the smartest person he knew and there was no way that whatever was making him worry like that could be stupid. But then he picked up the sound of Alluka’s pants and footsteps, and his mind instantly swerved.

“Alluka’s coming”, he said.

“Time to get up then.” Killua said.

“Nah, let’s just sit here a bit longer. She sounds like she’s about to collapse. Seeing us being dead like this will probably make her feel better about herself.”

“You think I want my little sister to see her big brother be all pathetic like that?”

“If you allowed that once in a while, maybe she would be rebelling against you a bit less.”

Killua groaned at that.

“Fine”, he grit through his teeth. “But if she loses all respect for me, I’m throwing you into the ocean.”

That didn’t even approach anything resembling a threat. Gon was by far the strongest swimmer out of all of them.

“Onii-chan! Gon-nii!” Alluka sounded absolutely wrecked.

A few seconds later she appeared out of the woods, and Gon found that she looked even worse than she sounded. She was swaying more than running, the sweat was basically cascading off her, and her face was more purple than red. She plopped headfirst onto the grass between Gon and Killua when she reached them. It was hard to tell whether that was an accident or not.

“I can’t walk another step”, She whined.

Killua chuckled affectionately and gently petted her head. It was the kind of peaceful expression Gon hadn’t seen on him in a long time.

“That’s alright, Angel”, Killua purred and Gon smiled. He hadn’t heard Killua call Alluka that in a long time. “You did well. I’m proud of you.”

“Really”, Alluka breathed. “I did good?”

“More than good. You did amazing. I didn’t think you could do it, but you did, and before dinner even. You proved me wrong all the way.”

“So you think I can survive Bisky’s training?”

Killua laughed at that. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. First, you have to survive our training.”

This drove a pout of Alluka and Killua immediately softened again.

“But …well …” he scratched his cheek, “if nothing else, I think you’ll have what it takes to pass the Hunter Exam. Once Gon and I are through with you, that is.”

Alluka sighed and Gon laughed. It was the best they were going to get out of Killua and they both knew it. In fact, Gon was pretty sure they both loved him for it.

“Come on, I’ll carry you the last few steps”, Killua said.

He got on his feet and picked up Alluka in a bridal carry. Gon’s sign that their little break was over and it was time to return to everyday life. Well, that was fine with him. By all outward appearances, Gon’s plan had worked. They were powered out enough that all three of them had talked and listened and learned something new and made concessions. Things could be fixed from this point forward. Gon was sure of it. That’s why the smile on his face was large and genuine when he got up as well and hopped past Killua and Alluka.

“AUNT MITO, WE BROUGHT DINNER!”

Chapter Text

The following day was rainy and gray. It was great for doing schoolwork, as there was no sunshine and blue skies to call them outside. But that also meant that there was no sunshine and blue skies to enjoy the outside once schoolwork was done. That alone would usually have Gon bored and whiney, clamoring for Killua’s and/or Alluka’s attention so they’d distract him from his miserable fate. Today however, Gon welcomed the weather. He was still a little sluggish from yesterday and was thus more than happy to waste away on the couch, wrapped in blankets and a cup of steaming hot peppermint tea in his hands.

Alluka was less happy about it all. Despite the fact that her muscles had to ache all the way to the dark continent and back, she was complaining endlessly about not being able to go out and train for the Hunter Exam. It was mostly a very annoyed Killua whom she was bothering though.

“Why can’t you ask Gon to train with you? He’s the one in charge of your Nen training”, he said, eyes fixed on the screen as he tried (and failed) to take down the boss in his latest video game.

“Gon-nii said he’s still trying to figure out how to work with Nanika,” Alluka argued.

That wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the entire truth either. Alluka had come to him earlier, asking if there were any Nen exercises she could do while stuck indoors. And Gon had answered that he needed to know what the Alluka/Nanika Nen situation looked like and was still working on a solution on how to find an answer to that without endangering either of their lives. It was also clear, however, that Alluka hadn’t quite gotten over the unchecked bloodlust Gon had bombarded her with that day, if the way she was continuously tensing up the longer she talked to him was any indication. Gon was in a similar boat. The memory of nearly getting devoured by Nanika still had his heart jumping into his throat every time he so much as looked at Alluka.

But then Gon had grinned mischievously at Alluka and leaned in and asked her if she remembered the wish he had made to Nanika the day they had come back home. Alluka’s tension had almost visibly fallen off of her, her eyes had taken on that delighted twinkle she had whenever the two of them were flirting to piss off Killua, and the grin on her face had become wide enough to rival Gon’s.

“Can’t you entertain yourself somehow?” Killua asked. “What do you usually do when you can’t go outside?”

“I like reading books. But usually, you and Gon-nii aren’t home and I don’t have a Hunter Exam I need to pass in a month. Come on Onii-chan, I don’t have that much time. Please?”

She gave him her biggest, saddest puppy dog eyes and Gon could practically see Killua’s resistance crumbling away. Killua was very much not immune to Alluka’s charming attempts.

“Fine”, he sighed. “You’ll need theoretical knowledge sooner or later anyway. I don’t see a reason not to start with that.”

“YAY! Onii-chan, you’re the best”, Alluka cheered, wrapping her arms around her brother.

“Of course I am”, Killua sneered. “Now let go of me, we’ll have to go upstairs.”

To their room presumably, where Gon and Killua had set up the one computer in the house all those years ago. They walked to the hallway, Alluka trotting obediently behind her big brother, and she shot Gon a small smile and a thumbs up before they disappeared around the corner. Which meant that Gon could finally continue working on mission heal Killua’s inner wounds. No other, more pressing issues to figure out first, no activities to pursue instead, and no bored Killua to sneak up on him and ask questions. For the first time in nearly two weeks, Gon pulled out his little blue notebook.

He had to go over the notes from Tobons again, just to remind himself where he had left off. He had almost forgotten how long the list was already. Touch aversion, chronic sleep deprivation, inability to take compliments, self sacrificial tendencies, refusal to acknowledge the weather, refusal to accept gifts, a weird relationship with food, trailing behind Gon more often than not, a distaste of doctors or maybe medical attention in general, how easily he was convinced that he had messed up and the extreme measures he often went to punish himself for it.

The first thing Gon did was to add a few things that he had observed since coming back home. There was the way Killua was when he was fighting to control his emotions, his voice went even and his eyes wide and blank, only his Hatsu flaring up and betraying the storm underneath. There was how he was making himself small and unnoticeable whenever he thought someone, especially some type of authority figure or guardian, was mad at him. There was how Killua wouldn’t even joke about his perceived weaknesses in front of anyone other than Gon. There was how badly Killua was handling Alluka’s growing independence, even as he understood how necessary it was.

The now familiar flow of magma had long since started up again under Gon’s skin, though he was tired enough for it to stay at a low simmer this time around. Good. He could use this to finally focus on the next part of the assignment and try and figure out the why’s behind all of those injuries. He figured out the touch aversion one, so on to the next issue.

Chronic sleep deprivation: There were several nights in which Killua just straight up didn’t sleep at all. That alone would already be worrying enough, but then there was how easily Killua woke up when he did sleep. Absolutely everything woke him up, even just Gon turning around in the bed next to him. This kind of incredibly light sleep could not be healthy, there was no way. As for the reason why Killua slept this way … that one was a bit harder to figure out than the touch aversion issue. There was the training his family had put him through of course, but that wasn’t precise enough. Bisky had made them go through similar training if Killua’s words were to be believed, but Gon could choose whether he wanted to sleep that lightly or not. Basically, whenever they were on a mission or somewhere they hadn’t been or Gon felt otherwise like something might happen that he would have to be quick to react to, Gon slept with one eye open. But in places like here on Whale Island, where he was safe and nobody could or would harm him, he slept like a stone. If Killua was even remotely like Gon, that would mean that the reason Killua never really slept was because he never really felt safe. Which was one hell of a sobering thought and as much as Gon wanted to linger on that a little longer, he had a huge list to go through, so he had to move on.

The inability to take compliments: This one … hmmm … this one honestly escaped Gon. He’d understand it if the compliments he had to take were fake or two faced, but Gon was always honest. Plus, Gon had a feeling that it wasn’t even such a big deal. The fact that Gon found Killua’s skittishness and the way his cheeks reddened so easily, unbearably cute. Why would he want to change that? Gon scratched it out and moved on to the next issue.

Killua’s habit of sacrificing himself for others: Where was he even supposed to start with that? If nothing else, Gon could at least understand now how extreme stress situations could push someone to do things they had previously considered unthinkable. But of course, with Killua, things were always a bit more complicated. Killua only ever lashed out like when he was convinced there was no way out to begin with. If he faced an opponent he knew he couldn’t beat, he usually opted to run and try another day. If he faced an opponent he wasn’t sure he could beat, he often did the same thing, though that seemed to be slowly but surely changing. When he did face an opponent he could beat, he was all cocky confidence. So Killua would only sacrifice himself when he thought the only other options were that everyone dies with him? No, that didn’t sound right. That might be correct when it came to life threatening situations, but Killua very willingly sacrificed parts and pieces of him under any circumstances. The volleyball match on Greed Island came to mind. Wasn’t that also Killua being self-sacrificial in a way? What had motivated him there? Was it really just because they had shared the same goal of beating Razor? Sure, for Gon there was a lot on the line. Defeating Razor meant finally finding his father. But Killua? What was in it for Killua that he would go to such lengths? What made the sacrifice worth it?

Worth … worth … did this have to do with Killua’s refusal to accept gifts and his habit of walking behind Gon rather than next to him? Was it all because that’s all Killua thought he was worth?
Killua used to walk behind Gon a lot when they were younger. That had changed a little bit during their reunion in Yorknew, but then Gon had proposed a solution to Killua’s problem with Alluka and almost immediately, Killua had started walking behind Gon again. As time went by, Killua had slowly but surely started walking next to Gon, but every small blow to Killua, anything that happened to make him sad or insecure, would have him walk behind Gon again for a few days, the newest case being the last time Gon had blown up at Killua. Was it a reflection of how deserving Killua felt of being at Gon’s side? It was a sickening thought, but the pattern fit. A reflection of how deserving Killua felt in general?

It would explain all of it. He refused gifts because he didn’t think he deserved them. He was so happy to give up pieces of himself because he didn’t think his wellbeing was important. He was quick to offer his own life for those of the people around him because he thought himself expendable. It added up. In a horrible, twisted way, it actually made sense.

What had Gon said to Killua just a few days ago? Don’t think so lowly of yourself! You’re not a leech! Gon had said that. He had said that to Killua and he hadn’t even begun to understand just how deep those words had reached.

Gon’s eyes flew to other points in the list. Killua’s refusal to dress according to the weather. How easily he was convinced that he had messed up. How excessive his self punishment was. Even how badly he was handling Alluka’s growth fit into that, because what was Killua even good for if Alluka, the one person who depended on him, didn’t need him anymore? It fit! All of it fit!

Gon slammed his notebook shut. The walls were suddenly too claustrophobic, the ceiling too low, the air too warm. His nerves were buzzing under his skin, he felt like he was shaking despite how steady his hands felt. He needed out. Away from his notebook with all those terrible truths it now contained. Away from Killua and this twisted, heartbreaking view he had of himself. He needed to run. Even if his muscles still screamed at him from yesterday and his lungs constricted so much he could barely breathe, he still needed to run.

“Aunt Mito, I’m going out for a bit.”

He was out of the house before she could even ask where he was going. The rain was cold and he welcomed every drop on his too hot face. He ran. He wasn’t even sure where he was running to, but he ran. Blindly, through the forest, past the trees, over the roots and bushes in a garbled, murky version of yesterday’s race. He didn’t stop until he was at the heart of the forest, where he had found Kon as a foxbear cub all these years ago, a place so deep, not even Killua would be able to find him here. Killua, who didn’t feel deserving of being Gon’s friend, but so desperately clung to him anyway. Killua, who had given his hands for Gon because of how badly he wanted to be useful. Killua, who would probably gladly have died at Gon’s side in East Gorteau if only Gon had thought to ask. Killua, whom Gon loved more than anything else in the world. Killua, who thought himself worthless.

Ah, so this was what heartbreak felt like. It was grief of an entirely different kind, with no room for anger and no chance at distant apathy. There wasn’t enough coherency left in his brain for words, not enough strength left in his muscles for a tantrum. It was all Gon could do to let himself fall on the floor and scream at the top of his lungs. Scream and scream and scream until his voice was hoarse. The rain had soaked all of his layers of clothing by then. Somewhere on the back of his mind, Gon realized that he was shivering. It felt fitting. Killua was so good after all, so perfect, and still he used the cold to punish himself. If Gon let himself freeze and shiver for a while here, let himself suffer voluntarily like this, then maybe he could be forgiven, just a little bit, for spending all this time by Killua’s side and never even noticing his pain.

Chapter Text

In hindsight, maybe Gon had been a little overdramatic. Screaming your feelings out in the pouring rain was really more of a Killua thing to do. Gon liked to think he was a bit more put together than that (he didn’t count his breakdown in East Gorteau, those had been extenuating circumstances). Gon had, in fact, noticed Killua’s pain before now and he had, in fact, understood that Killua had a wrapped sense of self-worth. He had even taken measures to counter it all this time. It was in how much Gon loved to shower Killua in compliments, in how he was so careful never to touch unless absolutely necessary or initiated by him, in how Gon went out of his way to show off Killua to everyone he knew and loved. It’s just that, like with most other things, this knowledge and actions had been instinctual up until now. If anything, it spoke volumes about how well Gon had already grasped Killua’s pain that it only took him a few short weeks of on and off thinking to figure it out on a conscious level. Killua didn’t easily give up information about himself after all, and for all he’d gone through, he was extremely well adjusted. The signs were so subtle, Gon seriously doubted that even Alluka had a grasp on just how far her brother had fallen down the rabbit hole.

None of that made those revelations any less difficult to swallow. Every little reminder of the way Killua viewed himself made Gon want to grab him by the collar and shake him, and scream right into his face that he was the most amazing person on the planet and worth so much more than he could ever put into words and will you please stop thinking so little of yourself dammit!

He didn’t do any of that, of course. He was, in fact, a bit more put together than that. He could question why these revelations had made him fall apart like this. He could also go back to his notebook and figure out the few remaining observations. Or he could start working on the next step; figuring out what he wanted for Killua instead. Those would be productive things to do if he wanted to advance on mission: heal Killua’s inner wounds.

He threw himself headfirst into the Nanika issue instead. Took a page out of Killua’s book and ran away from the issue to tackle it another day. When he was a bit more … prepared. When the knowledge had settled into his bones instead of rattling them. Besides, figuring out just what the hell was going on with Nanika would alleviate one of Killua’s worries. There was only one problem.

“She won’t come out,” Alluka said.

Gon blinked. “Not even on Killua’s request?”

Alluka shook her head.

“Why not?”

“She feels too guilty to face you. And … she’s scared it’ll happen again.”

That … hmmm … yeah, that was reasonable. Gon would be lying if he said that he hadn’t worried about the same thing. Plus, he was pretty sure that, if he came face to face with Nanika, he’d freak out enough to either run for the hills or attack her. So Nanika staying hidden for the moment was probably for the better.

“Guess I’ll try working with you then”, Gon said, scratching the back of his hand before holding both of them out. “Give me your hands. I’m gonna check on your Aura Nodes.”

Alluka did as told and Gon closed his hands around hers and closed his eyes. At first glance, everything was normal. Alluka’s Aura Nodes were closed and the flow of her Aura was as typical as every other non-awakened human. It only took a moment though, for Gon to understand what Killua had meant. Something wasn’t quite right. Not like it should be if Alluka were your everyday person and for the longest time, Gon couldn’t put his finger on what it was. And maybe, if he hadn’t experienced the full force of Nanika’s Aura trying to devour him and Killua, he wouldn’t have figured it out at all. There was a subtle stream of Nanika’s Aura, perfectly mixed and blended into Alluka’s to the point where they were almost indistinguishable from one another. Gon wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it. It could mean a million different things. Maybe Alluka and Nanika were so intertwined that even their Aura’s flowed into one another. Maybe Nanika’s Aura was just so impossibly strong that Alluka’s body couldn’t possibly contain it all. Maybe this was just the natural state of things when two beings inhabited the same body like this. As far as Gon was aware, Alluka and Nanika were the only case of that particular kind of symbiotic relationship, so it’s not like he could compare examples. Gon therefore decided that trying to figure out the exact state and mechanics behind the Alluka/Nanika situation was a useless endeavor and removed his hand.

“Well?” Alluka asked.

“Yeah … I’m gonna have to keep thinking about this”, Gon said.

Alluka visibly deflated. It tugged on the corner of Gon’s lips. She never did have Killua’s endless patience, so in many ways, her current eagerness to improve and prove herself was more reminiscent of Gon than her own brother. Patience still wasn’t his strong suit, but he’d learned, over the years. Starting with when Aunt Mito had told him that he would need to catch the Master of the Lake. Though the second big task that had really allowed him to make strides with that was when he had stalked Hisoka during the Hunter Exam. Mostly because concealing his presence had meant that there he couldn’t allow himself to distract himself with anything.

…

Wait a minute …

Concealing his presence? At the Hunter Exam? Coming to think of it … that’s exactly what Gon had done, hadn’t he? And Hisoka had already known Nen by that time, meaning the only way he could have hidden from Hisoka’s radar if he had managed to suppress his own Aura. It had only been a few days, but Gon must have learned Zetsu back then without even realizing it. No wonder Ten had come so easily to him once Wing had opened his Aura Nodes. If Alluka could learn to do the same, then maybe …

“I think I have an idea,” Gon said, barely audible.

“Huh?”

“Is Killua still upstairs?”

“Uuuh,” Alluka blinked at him dumbly. “Yeah … he’s playing video games, I think.”

“Great!”

Gon jumped to his feet and raced up the stairs, leaving a very confused Alluka behind.

“KILLUA!”

He slammed the door to their room open and nearly caused Killua to jump out of his skin, before rushing over to him close enough that they were nose to nose. “Killua, listen to this! I think I’m on to something!”

“Gon! Personal space, personal space!” Killua almost shrieked, trying his best to scramble backwards.

Gon didn’t hear him and kept advancing.

“People can learn Zetsu before their Aura Nodes open!”

“Yeahsurewhatever, just give me some space first!”

“And if you can practice Zetsu, then Ten isn’t much of a problem anymore, so controlling your Aura when the nodes open is easy!”

“Gon, slow down and get away from me!”

Killua tried and failed to push Gon away.

“We’ll teach Alluka at the same time as she opens her nodes and then she’ll be able to control Nanika’s Aura, too.”

“WILL YOU GET OUT OF MY FACE ALREADY?!?”

A few small but practiced moves and Gon was on the floor, looking up at a furiously blushing Killua. Right. Killua always panicked when someone got too close. Gon had entirely forgotten. He should probably add that into his notebook.

“Sorry Killua”, Gon blinked. “I got carried away.”

“Get carried away all you want, just not all up in my face!” Killua barked.

The blush was slowly but surely leaving his cheeks as he composed himself, and he sat back down on the ground. Gon sat up as well.

“So?” Killua started, “What was it that you figured out?”

“I think I know how we’re going to train Alluka”, Gon beamed.

“Spit it out then.”

“It’s simple; we’re going to teach her Zetsu while she opens her Aura Nodes.”

Killua raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Have you forgotten that you need your Aura Nodes to be open in order to practice Zetsu.”

“That’s the thing; I don’t actually think you do!” Gon argued. “You learned how to conceal your presence long before we met, didn’t you? What do you think ‘concealing your presence’ entails exactly?”

Killua’s eyes went wide as understanding dawned on him. “That actually explains so much”, he mumbled to himself.

“You and I both learned Zetsu long before we discovered Nen,” Gon continued. “That’s why we learned Ten so fast despite how violently our Aura Nodes were opened. If we have Alluka open her Nodes the traditional way while teaching her Zetsu -”

“- she’ll get the hang of Ten immediately and will be in control of her Nodes at all times, meaning no potentially dangerous interference from Nanika!”

“Exactly!” Gon beamed.

“But … we never learned how to open Nodes the traditional way,” Killua frowned.

“Wrong! You never learned how to open Nodes the traditional way. I did when I rediscovered my Nen after …” Gon trailed off. The attempted suicide in his fight against Pitou, as well as everything that lead up to it and followed after it were still sore spots for the both of them. Talking about it, even just mentioning it, was difficult. Even Gon, who barely understood the concept of ‘taboo topics’, could barely bring himself to complete a sentence that touched on it.

“Right,” Killua said, eyes trained at the ground.

Gon shook his head in an attempt to clear it. “I learned Zetsu by sheer instinct, meaning I have no idea how to teach it. You, on the other hand, were instructed in it. So I walk Alluka through her awakening and you build the foundation she needs to keep Nanika under control.”

A small, crooked smile found its way onto Killua’s face. “It’s a safe way for Alluka to awaken her Nen without having to probe, control or understand Nanika”, he breathed. “That could work. That could really, actually work!”

He looked up at Gon with a wide smile and shining eyes and Gon felt his own excitement spiking at the sight.

“Let’s do it!” Killua declared.

Chapter Text

Killua wasted no time getting to work the following day. It was still raining, but Killua had shrugged it off by arguing that the rain would be the perfect noise backdrop for a beginner like Alluka. And a beginner she was. As much as her travels with Killua had toughened her up and the Zoldyck blood running through her veins provided her with a sheer endless amount of natural abilities, it was an undeniable fact that Alluka had never been given training of any sorts. Not on Nen, not on self-defense, nothing. So as soon as their schoolwork was done, Killua had grabbed his little sister and dragged her into the woods.

“Aren’t they going to have any lunch?” Aunt Mito asked.

“Probably not,” Gon answered.

It wasn’t unusual for Hunters to have to go several days without eating if their mission was especially tricky. Heck, he was sure that some of the participants of his Hunter Exam hadn’t eaten anything at all during their 72 hours in trick tower, so getting Alluka used to skipping a meal or two could only benefit her. Not that he would ever tell Aunt Mito any of this. She would have a conniption.
Or maybe Killua had just forgotten again that people needed to eat sometimes. He could go weeks without nourishment, so he had a tendency to do that. Gon frowned at the thought. This felt like something to put in his notebook. Speaking of which.

“Do you need me for anything or can I go back to work?” Gon turned to Aunt Mito.

“Work?” Aunt Mito asked.

“Yeah … just trying to figure out a few things,” Gon smiled.

“Alluka’s training plan?”

“Hmmm …. something like that?”

Aunt Mito clearly didn’t buy it. Not that that was at all unexpected. Gon was still a horrible liar and Aunt Mito could read him better than anyone else. Thankfully, she decided not to pursue the inquiry any further.

“I’ll just be reading my books then. Come to me if you need advice.”

“Will do.”

The books Aunt Mito was reading were a growing collection of different romance novels she kept buying off the internet ever since Gon and Killua first set up the computer upstairs. Gon’s heart had twisted a little the first time he’d seen her with one of those. Aunt Mito had raised him since she herself was barely even a teenager. When he’d left, she had an elderly grandmother to look after, and then Gon and Killua had basically dumped a child in the body of a young teen on her. She’d never had the luxury of pursuing her own life, her own dreams and her own happiness. Hopefully Gon could change that soon, once Alluka was safe in Bisky’s hands.

That, however, was a problem for another day. For the moment, Gon resolved to get back to the Killua issue, so he fished out his notebook and leaned against the bed. It took him a few moments before he managed to will himself to open it. It had been only yesterday after all, that he had been so shaken by the truths hidden between its pages that he had fled into the rain. The memory of Killua’s and Alluka’s faces when he had come trudging back, looking like a downed earthrat still made him laugh though. When he finally did open the book to skim over his scribbles, his heart felt endlessly heavy. As much as Gon wanted to linger on this, recall the endlessly many ways in which Killua was so wonderfully, perfectly Killua, Gon had to move on if he didn’t want to burst into tears again.

Killua’s distaste of medical attention: Gon wasn’t blind, he’d seen the scars on Killua’s body. He’d never really paid attention to them, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t noticed that they were there and that they were plentiful. If that was any indication, then the reason for Killua’s dislike of anything medicine related was because he associated it all, bandages, scissors, tweezers, antiseptic and whatever else, with torture. At best, those are the things he’s been patched up with after he’s been hurt. Much more likely though, was that these things that were made to heal had been used to further hurt him instead.

Gon felt the sadness melting away, a familiar heat underneath his skin replacing it.

Killua hiding away when someone was mad: This one was easy, mostly because that’s just an exaggerated version of how most people act when faced with anger. He was making himself small and unnoticeable, serving doubly duty as a way to cower away from the person who was mad at him, and also to protect himself from any lashing out. The reason this stood out was because it was Killua. Strong and indomitable Killua, who could face anything. He shouldn’t be cowering away from anyone, let alone from someone as harmless as Aunt Mito. But he did. He always did, even when the anger wasn’t directed at him. And it wasn’t like he was ducking his head out of shame either. No, this was a full blown fear reaction. He expected the lashing out to be harsh and violent and he hid away as well as he could in a desperate attempt to escape that, escape the senses of the person who was angry so that they wouldn’t take it out on him.

It was at this point that the anger was beginning to take over, turning from a low simmer to a blistering heat. Under most circumstances, here was where Gon would have to stop. Go out and jump through the trees a bit and release some of the energy that was bubbling up inside of him. But he only had three more points to go through. If he managed to direct that energy now, in the way Melody had told him, he could get through it all in one go. He did remember how it felt, that gritty sense of determination after parkouring over the rooftops of Tobos. Could he channel that? Could he recreate that? Gon closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Not to push down that feeling of anger. That would backfire sooner or later. Instead, he tried controlling his thoughts. Focus! - he told himself. He clenched his jaw, balled his hands into fists, small things to help him get the tension out and out until his mind was just clear enough to focus solely on Killua. Killua, who was hurting, whose heart was bleeding, who needed help, even if wasn’t capable of reaching out yet. Killua, who thought himself no better than a leech.

It was that last thought that snapped Gon back into focus, his gritty determination stronger than ever. Rather than flowing magma, the heat had moved through him and was burning on his skin. The world around him disappeared and expanded at the same time. His senses turned sharper, to the point where he could hear the thunder far out on the ocean, taste the drops pattering against his window, and smell Alluka and Killua even through the downpour. Yet, his entire world consisted only of the little notebook on his lap and all the agitating information it contained.

Killua controlling his emotions: He turned into a copy of Illumi, pushing down everything he felt to keep perfect control over himself. Except, he always failed because his Hatsu was too complex to fully control, so it gave him away. Source; Illumi’s years of training and manipulation

Killua’s unwillingness to touch on any weaknesses: The Zoldyck’s despised weakness. If any were shown they had to be trained out. No doubt with more torture. Result; Killua had learned to never show weakness, not even as a joke.

Killua’s weird relationship with food: Here was where Gon’s anger deflated. This one … was a complicated issue that Gon absolutely did not feel prepared to handle. There was just too much going on here, including the revelation just minutes earlier that Killua was so used to skipping meals, he could forget that people had to eat. It was hard to say how layered it was exactly without knowing details on how Killua was raised. His parents had definitely poisoned many, if not all of his meals growing up. Did that explain why he was still so hesitant to start eating? How he had started drinking only after Gon had proven that his water wasn’t poisoned seemed to suggest so. These kinds of things certainly stuck with you if you experienced them as a child. But then, Killua loved to eat. Sweets of course, but almost all meals that don’t involve red peppers were basically being devoured the moment he had the first spoonful in his mouth. If poison was the source of the problem, shouldn’t Killua just not enjoy eating all together? That would not explain how he always looked so off put when food other than chocolate was put in front of him though. Gon pushed that issue aside for the moment, opting to come back to it once he had enough information to make some actual progress on that one.

With this, he had worked through the first step on all of the little injuries he had found on Killua. He could start working on step 2, but he felt oddly drained. A little freaked out, too. He remembered that feeling. The single minded focus, the simultaneous expansion and shrinkage of the world around him. The heightened sense of awareness, the way his mind went a million miles an hour while being eerily calm at the same time. Last time he had felt that, he had been sitting in a room with Neferpitou. Was that … a human emotion? That kind of anger turning into that kind of focus? Did everyone experience that? Or was it yet another trait inherited from his mother? Something dangerous and inhuman? Was it safe for him to be in that kind of state? He’d gotten the results he wanted this time, but if he didn’t, would he blow up again like he had back then? He decided not to take any chances and just go parkouring a bit next time the anger began to simmer again. For now, he closed the notebook and took a deep breath. Focused on the world around him to ground himself. The pitter patter of the rain against the window. The smell of paper of whatever book Aunt Mito was reading right now. The unmistakable sound of Killua’s footsteps rushing up the stairs.

Wait …

“GON!” Killua came bursting in through the door.

Gon wondered for a moment what on earth that door was made out of to not have broken yet with how often it was slammed open and closed these days. Then his focus shifted to Killua, who was standing in the doorway, eyes wide and wild, if not downright panicked, a few small crackles of electricity licking at his hair and skin. They visibly evaporated whatever moisture was left on Killua from the rain. Gon stayed calm though, not the smallest sense of urgency running through his veins. Whatever had Killua so worked up couldn’t be so bad if Gon’s most extreme reaction was a simple confused blink.

“Gon …” Killua said again, the tension in his body deflating with the volume of his voice.

“Yeah, that’s me,” Gon answered dumbly, mostly because he had no idea what else to say.

Killua took a few tentative steps towards him, approaching him like Gon would disappear at any moment. Gon thought his confusion had reached a high point when Killua softly dropped to his knees in front of him, but then he took Gon’s face into his hands and Gon’s breath stopped short. Killua never touched him like this. Like he was something fragile that needed to be handled with care. Gon wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about it either, his brain having short circuited when the fact that Killua was touching him at all had registered. His hands were cool, chilled from being out in the pouring rain for so long and Gon hadn’t even realized how hot he had run until he felt Killua’s skin on his. Softly, he turned Gon’s face from one side to the other and that’s when Gon finally understood; Killua was checking him for injuries.

“Killua,” Gon said softly, “did something happen?”

“I should be the one asking that question”, Killua answered. “What was that just now?”

Gon blinked. “What was what?”

“Your Aura flare-up! It was … it felt like …”

Killua trailed off, his eyes changing from barely suppressed panic to looking a little haunted and it was then that it clicked. It wasn’t just the feeling that had been reminiscent of that day in the castle. His Aura must have responded to the way he had focused his anger. No wonder Killua had looked so panicked. How on earth was Gon supposed to explain this?

“Nothing happened,” Gon said.

“And Illumi is my favorite sibling,” Killua snarked back.

“It’s a bit difficult to explain,” Gon tried again.

“Good thing that I’m smart then. Give it your best shot!”

Killua leaned back and crossed his arms. Well crap. He wasn’t going to let this one drop. Gon had to think for a minute. Figure out what he could say and what he couldn’t. Should he just lay the entire thing bare? Walk Killua through his notebook? No, Gon still felt like that would backfire. Killua wasn’t ready for that quite yet.

“Remember on the train to Tobons I told you I was angry and frustrated and I unfairly unleashed it all on you?” Killua narrowed his eyes in that familiar way that let Gon know he didn’t understand what was going on Gon’s mind. He nodded nevertheless. “Melody gave me some advice on how to handle those feelings if they bubble up again. I gave it a try.”

Killua’s eyes were still narrowed and he was quiet for a long, long moment. Gon gave him time to turn that information around in his head, just like Killua had given him time to figure out how to explain himself.

“Did it work?” Killua finally asked.

“Huh?”

“Melody’s advice. Did it work?”

Gon blinked. He hadn’t really thought about the result from that angle.

“I’m not sure,” he said slowly. “I got done what I wanted to do, but …”

The state of mind he had found himself in was an unexpected side effect. As was the Aura flare-up, one he hadn’t even noticed with how focused he had been. Judging by the complicated expression on Killua’s face, he was thinking something similar.

“Don’t worry, Killua”, Gon tried easing his worries with a smile. “I won’t do it again anytime soon.”

Not until he found someone who could tell him if this was normal, or even just safe. Killua still didn’t look entirely convinced, though.

“If you say so …” He mumbled. Then, “come and help me train Alluka?”

It wasn’t difficult to understand what was going on in Killua’s head when he asked for this. It tugged at the corners of Gon’s mouth to know that Killua wanted - needed - him close, needed to know he was okay, or at least be next to him in case he wasn’t. Not only because there was little in the world that made Gon happier than knowing how much Killua cared for him (a luxury he got to enjoy very rarely), but also because he was actively taking steps to quell his own fears and worries instead of dismissing or hiding them like he used to. A sign that Killua really was healing, however small it may be.
“Of course,” Gon beamed.

Chapter Text

It turned out that Gon was actually several times better at stalking than Killua was. It came as a surprise for everyone involved, but actually made a lot of sense once they thought about it. Killua had grown up learning how to hunt people. Gon had grown up learning how to hunt animals. It went without saying that animals were several times more alert than the average human was. It wasn’t just that Killua struggled in training Alluka how to stalk the fauna of Whale Island, it was that he struggled in stalking them himself. That’s how they ended up back in the living room, wrapped in PJs and blankets after having showered off the rain, shuffling around the training regimen once again.

“Maybe we should sort our training into two categories”, Killua suggested. “Let’s call them Fundamentals and Application for the moment. I should probably train all the fundamentals, while Gon teaches Alluka how to apply it all.”

“That does kind of seem to be the pattern”, Gon noted.

“What counts as Fundamentals and what counts as Application?” Alluka asked.

“To take today’s training as an example,” Killua explained, “In order to successfully stalk, you need to be able to walk noiselessly, which means you need to retrain how you walk. You need to be able to scale any surface in case your target goes somewhere you can’t follow by walking, so you need to learn how to climb and train your legs so you can leap higher and further. Strength, balance, endurance, technique, all of that counts as fundamentals.”

“And then Application would be doing the things you need all of those fundamentals for,” Gon added. “I’ll teach you how to stay hidden from view, but you need to be able to walk silently to do that. I’ll show you what to look for when picking out spots to observe your target from, but you need to be able to climb and jump for that. Putting all the skills Killua trains you in to use is what Application is all about.”

“Okay, but why am I learning to stalk anyway?” Alluka asked again.

“How else do you expect to know if you successfully manage to conceal your presence?” Killua drawled.

“Besides, you’re taking the Hunter Exam”, Gon beamed. “What kind of Hunter doesn’t know how to hunt?”

As loose as the definition of a Hunter was, there hadn’t been a single mission or adventure where Gon and Killua hadn’t needed those actual hunting skills at some point. That included the Hunter Exam itself.

“We’ve already established that Gon will walk Alluka through her awakening and I’ll do all the classroom stuff”, Killua continued. “Is there anything we’re forgetting?”

“What about combat?” Gon asked. “Are we going to divide that into Fundamentals and Application, too?”

Killua opened his mouth to say something, but Gon could see the exact moment a thought crossed his mind and he closed it again. It took a few more minutes of Killua staring wide-eyed at the floor before he talked again.

“Gon … did you ever really learn how to fight? Like, did anyone ever show you how to punch or something?” He asked.

Gon shook his head. “I watched some of the sailors brawl once in a while when they got too drunk, but that’s it. I’ve never fought anyone or anything before the Hunter Exam.”

Killua’s mouth dropped open.

“What?” He croaked. “But then … you … with Hanzo … and then … that time against Hisoka … how … ”

Gon somehow managed to make sense of the mess of words that was falling out of Killua’s mouth.

“I just kinda always did what felt natural,” he shrugged.

Killua looked like his brain was about to short-circuit.

“YOU!” He cried, pointing accusingly at Gon. “You are a freak of nature! How could you punch and kick like that and take beatings like that when you’ve never fought anyone before?!?” He froze again when another thought entered his mind. “Does that mean the very first person you ever fought in your life was Hisoka?”

Gon thought for a hot minute. He had hunted quite a bit, including large and dangerous animals like Foxbears, but that wasn’t nearly the same as fighting a human being. Leorio had taken down the fake Hunter for him, he hadn’t been involved in any brawls on the boat or on the way to the navigators. He’d hit one of the Kiriko’s over the head, but that really didn’t count as a fight. Then the running exam had started, followed by the trek through the marsh …

“Yep”, Gon smiled widely. “Hisoka was my very first fight!”

And what a thrilling fight it had been. He had been so hopelessly outmatched, literally scared to death, so certain he was not going to make it out of it alive. It was the very first time he’d felt it all, the way his senses sharpened and his world shrunk, the way he felt more alive than ever, the way the futility of the struggle made it worth to go all out, to see how far he could go, how much damage he could do, before he was inevitably killed. Fighting against Hisoka had been fun!

“Wipe that stupid smile off your face”, Killua snapped. “I’m taking charge of combat training and I’ll be teaching both of you how to fight, got it?!”

“Yessir!” Gon and Alluka chimed.

“Very good,” Killua nodded gravely. “What else?”

“I can teach her to swim,” Gon said.

“I know how to swim!” Alluka protested.

“Not like I do”, Gon said.

“Not like Gon does”, Killua agreed. “You know what? Teach me too, while you’re at it. That kind of thing can only ever come in handy.”

“Sure thing!”

“Do I need to know how to cook?” Alluka asked.

“I don’t think they’ll ever let Menchi be a proctor again after the sushi fiasco, so probably not”, Killua answered.

“What about her weapon of choice?” Gon thought out loud.

“You don’t actually think I’m gonna allow my little sister to learn how to wield a weapon!”

“What if I want to?”

“No!”

“What if it’s something that’s harmless to her?” Gon piped in.

“Like what?” Killua asked

“Like a baseball bat?”

“No way,” the siblings chimed.

“That’s way to brutish for someone as cute as Alluka!”

“That’s right! I want something more dainty!”

“Then maybe one of those ribbons that those super flexible dancers use?”

The silence that followed that proposition was as loud as the roaring sea.

“That … could actually work”, Killua thought out loud. “If she learns to control that, it could function similarly to your fishing rod.”

“They’re pretty, too. I’d be cute and dangerous!” Alluka added.

“What would she need to learn to be able to use something like that?” Killua asked.

“No idea,” Gon said.

“Then that’ll be my solo project”, Alluka said. “I can’t have you two hold my hand through everything after all.”

“She has a point”, Gon said.

“Fine. A solo project it is”, Killua declared. “Now, if there’s nothing else to add, let’s put together a schedule.”

Figuring out how to pack all of this into a day proved to be impossible. So instead, they created a rotating schedule.

The day would of course start with schoolwork, but Killua would continue classes after that with whatever theory he felt Alluka needed until lunch. Then, Gon would sit her down for Nen meditation. After that, Killua would take her outside to train fundamentals. That would be the daily schedule. After that, she would practice combat and stalking one day, then learn to handle ribbons and have swimming lessons the other.

“There’s gonna be nothing left of me by the time the Hunter Exam comes along”, Alluka moaned.

“Tough. Merry Christmas”, Killua deadpanned. “You want to go train with Bisky, this is what it’s gonna take.”

Neither of them mentioned that this was nothing in comparison to how utterly brutal Bisky’s training tended to be. That would be a bombshell for another day.

“Alright, next”, Killua commanded. “Let’s figure out the specifics. Gon and I will have to sync up our training regimen to get the best possible result!”

This one took quite a bit longer. So long that Aunt Mito came stomping into the room to personally drag Killua and Alluka down for dinner by the ear after they had already missed lunch.

“You are still growing children, skipping too many meals is not good for you!” She chided.

Gon trotted after them a little helplessly, incapable of offering any more than small apologetic smiles at their pleas for help and mercy. Her fury was not enough, however, to stop all three of them from scarfing down their risotto and cleaning the table in record time so they could get back to the task at hand. The Hunter Exam was approaching fast after all and the three of them had already wasted too many precious days. It was time to square up and focus!

They may have been a little enthusiastic about it all, though. The discussion and planning went deep into the night and when Aunt Mito came into their room the next morning to see what was up because none of them, not even Gon, had come down for breakfast, she found them on the floor surrounded by papers over papers full of training plans.

They ended up being late to their own schedule on the first day of training.

Days left until departure: 27

Chapter Text

Gon promptly decided that the 45 minutes between the end of schoolwork and lunch -aka the time Killua used to give Alluka theory lessons - would not be enough to work on mission: healing Killua’s inner wounds. Not so long as he would have to power himself out between every anger outburst anyway. Ergo, he decided he may as well use that time to help Aunt Mito cook. Killua was an amazing chef, but only for extravagant dishes that needed forever to prepare (probably learned that as a skill if he ever needed to play the role as a pro-chef in order to get close enough to an assassination target). But when it came to fast and easy recipes, the ones you could actually cook within an hour or two, he faltered. It was a gap in their skillset that Gon found he wanted to fill. Killua seemed to accept meals from him more readily than anyone else, so he might have an easier time dealing with whatever issues he had with food if Gon didn’t just serve it, but make it.
Also, Gon was the only person in his friend group who couldn’t cook at all and he should really fix that.

They started simple. Spaghetti with tomato sauce, the tomatoes freshly picked from Aunt Mito’s vegetable garden. The beauty of a place like Whale Island was that the weather didn’t fluctuate much between seasons. Things like tomatoes would grow here even in the deepest depths of winter. It was an easy enough affair. Boil some pasta, chop up tomatoes, puree half of them to get tomato sauce, add water, bring to a simmer, add the other half of the tomatoes, add some salt, pepper and a small selection of herbs, done. Just because it was simple didn’t mean Gon didn’t struggle at all, though. It turned out there was a correct way to wield a kitchen knife so that you wouldn’t accidentally cut yourself, and it was the most counter-intuitive thing Gon had ever done. Aunt Mito had also warned him that learning to properly season would take some experience, but he found that to be the easiest part. In between his hypersensitive nose and taste buds, memorizing what herb changed the taste in what way was basically an immediate affair. The result left Aunt Mito grumbling to herself about how unfair it was that someone who had no clue about cooking managed to make a better tasting tomato sauce then she did.

“You made this?” Killua asked when Gon presented the finished product to him, suspicion written all over his face.

“Yep!” Gon beamed.

Killua promptly dumped his entire plate into the trash.

“KILLUA ZOLDYCK, YOU DID NOT JUST DO WHAT I THINK YOU DID!”

The resulting furious scolding about wasting food he got from Aunt Mito lasted for hours. It was an especially bitter pill for him to swallow when Alluka raved about how good it was and Killua demanded he let her try some.

“OH NO YOU DON’T!” Aunt Mito screeched, grabbing Killua by the ear and dragging him away from the dinner table. “YOU DO NOT GET TO TRY ANYTHING AFTER YOU JUST THREW AWAY AN ENTIRE PLATE FULL OF PERFECTLY SERVICEABLE PASTA! AND FOR A STUPID JOKE NO LESS! THERE IS A TIME AND PLACE FOR ATTITUDE AND THIS WAS NOT IT! YOU DON’T WANT TO EAT GON’S COOKING? FINE WITH ME BUT IF YOU THINK THAT I’LL LET YOU EAT ANY OF MY FOOD AFTER THE STUNT YOU JUST PULLED -”

Gon and Alluka continued eating in peace, not letting Aunt Mito’s endless screaming bother them in the slightest.

“Let’s start with this”, Gon said. “Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. In. Out. In. Out.”

They had moved far enough away from the house that not even his advanced hearing could pick up Aunt Mito’s endless yelling anymore. Gon had taken them to a field of flowers, where they sat down on a blanket so that the wetness of the ground wouldn’t seep through their clothes. They sat cross, legged palms on their knees and facing upwards. Typical meditation position, the only real thing Gon had learned from Wing that had found usable when he had first started meditating to get his Nen back. In some ways, it had come easy to him. Practicing Nen of the Flame with your Aura Nodes open was a highly involved exercise. Meditating without Nen was not - at least not for a while - but the experience had still helped. So it came as no surprise to Gon that Alluka encountered her first roadblock much earlier than Gon had. Namely, about 12 minutes in.

“You’re frowning,” Gon said.

Visibly frustrated, Alluka opened her eyes. “I’m trying to focus on my breathing, but …”

“But?”

“I keep getting distracted by my own thoughts. They just keep popping up and taking over and before I know it, I’ve forgotten where I was with my breathing. It was fine the first few minutes, but the longer I’m sitting here, the faster the thoughts come and the longer they take my attention away.”

Yep. That was exactly what Gon had struggled with. It had taken him a day or two longer, but once it had started, there had been no stopping it. Understanding that he had been on the right track had been the biggest hurdle for him to overcome. But he had had to figure this out on his own. Alluka didn’t.

“Let them distract you then,” Gon instructed.

“We don’t sit down with our own thoughts often enough. That’s why they keep accumulating and accumulating until our brain is full of noise and voices and screams. But they’re not going to go away until we allow ourselves to think them. No matter how unimportant or uncomfortable or silly or depressing they are, we need to allow ourselves to think them. It’ll take a while, but once you’ve spent enough time being alone with yourself and all of your thoughts pass through your brain, your mind frees up for other things. So start focusing on your breathing. And once your thoughts come along to distract you, let them take you wherever they want to go.”

“What if there are things I really don’t want to think about?” Alluka asked.

Gon smiled at her a little sadly. He understood that sentiment so deeply. It had been only a few weeks after Killua had brought him back from the dead that he had started his meditations, and as it turned out, being stuck in the middle of a war filled your head with many thoughts you’d want to run away from.

“When that happens, stop meditating and talk to me instead. I’ll listen to you until you’re ready to face your demons.”

Aunt Mito was still scolding Killua when Gon and Alluka returned. They found the duo outside, Killua on his knees in the damp grass, not daring to move a single muscle while Aunt Mito was hanging up the laundry. Alluka and Gon quickly formulated a rescue plan.

“-AND TO THINK YOU WOULD DISREGARD YOUR BEST FRIEND LIKE THAT! I KNOW YOUR FAMILY ISN’T BIG ON COMPASSION, BUT AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS TOGETHER WITH GON YOU SHOULD’VE REALLY -”

“I can hang those up for you,” Gon interrupted her.

“YOU SIT BACK -” she stopped when whirled around and came face to face with him. “Oh … Gon. You’re back already?”

“Yep. Here, let me.” He took the sheet out of her hand.

“Oh, of course. Thank you, sweetheart.”

“No worries.”

He glanced towards Killua out of the corned of his eyes, where Alluka had already snuck to him and whispered into his ear.

“Did you already put away the dishes?” Gon asked.

“Of course I did. Thank you for washing them by the way, you didn’t have to do that after you already helped me cook.”

“You seemed a little busy.”

Alluka was dragging Killua to his feet by pulling on his elbow. He stumbled a bit, though. Probably because his legs had fallen asleep from kneeling for so long.

“Yes, well, someone has to teach that little rascal manners. His parents have spoiled him rotten in some aspects. To think he and Alluka are siblings. She’s such an angel by comparison.”

“What about me?”

“You’re the worst out of all of you, in some ways. But at least you know not to throw away food, so that’s something.”

Gon laughed a little helplessly at that. Aunt Mito loved all three of them and meant none of it, he knew that. He was used to her venting, after all. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Alluka and Killua disappear into the woods. Perfect. He made quick work of the laundry, gave Aunt Mito a kiss on the cheek and disappeared into his room where he pulled out his little blue notebook.

Time to start phase two; what Gon wanted Killua to associate things with instead. He started with the easy ones.

Chronic sleep deprivation: He wanted Killua to know and understand what it’s like to feel refreshed after a good night's sleep. Know the bliss of letting sunrays wake you, being bleary and struggling to wake up properly, smiling a little dumbly because your brain hasn’t kickstarted itself quite yet and the world is still soft and fuzzy.

Unwillingness to show weakness: To be fair, Killua was making strides on this one all by himself. If nothing else, he bitched and complained to Gon sometimes when he was really under the weather, even if he took measures to make sure that it always came off as Killua purposefully playing up how bad it really was. It was a start, but Gon wanted more.He wanted Killua to understand that showing weakness was not inherently a bad thing. It wouldn’t be used against him if he confided in people like him or Aunt Mito, and he wouldn’t be punished for it either. Quite the opposite, he would be met with comfort and understanding. He wanted Killua to know he would be safe, even when he was at his worst.

Gon frowned as a thought crossed him. The reason Killua never really slept was because he pretty much always felt unsafe. Even here, on peaceful Whale Island. Patching up the weakness injury would allow him to be safe enough to drop his guard once in a while would allow him to sleep would allow him to actually be rested would allow him to feel less on edge. It was a loop. Killua’s self-worth issues weren’t the only ones that were connected with each other. Gon decided at that moment that, once he was done walking through Melody’s steps, he would try and figure out how each inner injury was connected to the rest of them. But for the moment, Gon moved on. This was already it for the simple ones, meaning things would get a little more messy from here on out.

Dislike of medical attention: Killua associated that with torture. To be fair, no one really liked the pain that came with healing. Gon was no exception to that. He doubted he would ever be able to get Killua (or anyone else for that matter) to associate things such as bandages and antiseptic with healing or making the hurt go away. But at the very least, Gon wanted him to truly look at them as little more than annoying necessities.

Reacting with fear when someone was mad: Yeah, nobody liked being around people who were angry, even if they weren’t angry with you. Gon did not think he could Killua to associate that with anything positive, nor did he want to. Feeling guilt and shame if someone got angry at you because you screwed up wasn’t a bad thing at all. But Killua should not fear violence. For one because he no longer surrounded himself with people who would lash out at him that way and two, because he wanted Killua not to allow violence. He was strong, stronger than anyone Gon knew. If someone lashed out at him because he was angry, Killua shouldn’t react with fear, but with righteous indignation and shut it down.

Forced control of emotions: All in all, this one was a good thing and Gon definitely did not want to undo that. Letting your emotions run you in the wrong situations often led to terrible mistakes and decisions. Gon had already passively understood that all the way back in trick tower, but his own idiocy in East Gorteau had hammered that lesson into him violently. But Killua was such an emotional thing. He felt so much so easily and Gon wanted him to be able to allow himself to unleash it all once in a while. Cry into Gon’s shoulder when it all became too much for him to handle and feel the relief that comes after being held and comforted through a breakdown.

The weird relationship with food: Yeah … no. Skip!

With that, only the issues related to Killua’s self-worth were left. Gon had pushed those aside for last because … yeah, those were going to be difficult. The best way would be to just categorize all of that into 'because Killua feels undeserving’ and focus on what Gon wants him to feel instead. He still didn’t quite get why these specifically got him so upset, especially when other issues that were results of literal torture left him slightly worried at best, but that was a problem for another day.

Gon found that those were multiplying in numbers quite rapidly.

Anyway.

Refusal to accept gifts: He wanted Killua to associate gifts with thoughtfulness. That people got them because they thought of him and wanted to do something nice for him just because and he wanted Killua to allow himself to accept that.

Struggling with Alluka’s growth: He wanted Killua to associate that with a job well done. He was her guardian, watching her grow independent and self-sufficient should be a point of pride for him.
Tendency for blaming himself: That needed to go. There was nothing else that could take its place. Killua was smart and resourceful and careful and always cleaned up after Gon’s messes and Gon couldn’t have him thinking that every bad thing that happened was his fault. It didn’t work like that. Killua couldn’t think like that!

Excessive self punishment: Same with this one. It needed to go! Gon could not allow this one to stay, to persist. Killua was too good to be punished by anyone, least of all by himself. Gon couldn’t take the fact that Killua felt like he needed to.

Killua’s habit of self sacrifice on all levels: Here’s where Gon broke. Any ability for understanding and empathy drowned out by the sheer heartbreak he felt knowing why Killua was so eager for this. That he did so with a smile because only then did he finally feel like … like what? Like he was worth something? Like him staying by Gon’s side was finally justified? Like he was useful? Needed? Wanted? Why? Why did he feel this way? Why couldn’t Killua see how utterly wrong that was? How important it was that he treasure himself? How much it tore Gon apart knowing that he didn’t? When he was so precious. When he meant so much. When he was the moon and the stars in the sky and the salt in the ocean wind and the itch of soft grass on your skin and the biting cold high up in the mountains and the ethereal morning fog in the forest! Like it wasn’t Gon who needed to work his hardest every single day to deserve Killua being next to him!

Gon shut his notebook and buried his face in his arms. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t keep looking at this. He couldn’t force himself to be aware at every turn just what Killua thought of himself. But then, what Gon could or couldn’t do had never mattered before.

Combat training was a welcome distraction from his thoughts and feelings. Though it came with an entirely different kind of frustration when he found himself on his back for the thirteenth time in a span of ten minutes

“Sheesh, you suck!” Killua drawled. “It’s a miracle nobody managed to kill you earlier.”

“Onii-chan!” Alluka chided.

“What? It’s true! We’ve fought against super tough opponents and this idiot doesn’t even know how to properly defend himself.”

Gon sprung back to his feet. He’d be buried in bruises tomorrow, but he’d fought through worse. Killua wouldn’t seriously hurt him, so Gon could take whatever he would dish out.

“I could dodge if you’d just let me!” Gon bit back.

“Dodging comes later,” Killua said. “You can’t dodge shit forever, and if someone gets a single good hit on you when your defense isn’t up, you’re dead. So that’s where we’re starting. Alluka, get over here!”

The next hour and a half consisted of Killua continuously attacking Gon and Alluka, and Gon and Alluka continuously landing on the ground. Dodging was forbidden. Fighting back was forbidden. It was all about blocking and guarding against Killua’s attacks.

“Gon, how many times do I have to tell you not to turn your back to me? You can’t react in time if you need to turn around first!”

Easier said than done. Gon didn’t even know how he ended up turning away from Killua half of the time. Of course, no sooner had Killua barked those words that Gon found himself on the floor again, face first this time.

“Alluka, keep your legs apart. A wide stance is -”

“-crucial to keeping your balance at all times, I know! You’ve told me a thousand times!”

“Then follow the instructions. Here I come!”

Not that Killua ever gave Gon a warning when he attacked, but that was to be expected. Even with the Hunter Exam around the corner, Killua could not stop himself from being soft on his beloved little sister.

Twenty seven seconds later, Gon was once again on the floor next to Alluka.

“Everything hurts”, Alluka moaned.

“Good”, Gon answered. “If you can feel your body, that means you’re aware of what it does at all times.”

They crouched through the bushes, staying out of sight of the family’s two deercat.

“I don’t think that’s how that works”, Alluka said,

“That’s exactly how that works. And you should stop talking if you want San and Sen to stop noticing us all the time.”

“Yes Master”, Alluka said gravely.

Gon rubbed her head and made a mess out of her hair for that.

The two deercat were the perfect target to start with. They were used to them, meaning they would allow Gon and Alluka to tail them without running away. But they were also just feral enough not to ignore whenever Alluka did something to make themselves noticeable. If it wasn’t their heads that shot up to look in their direction, it would be the sudden agitated swish of a tail. Alluka got real time feedback that way. Of course, that didn’t mean that Gon didn’t give her pointers once in a while.

“Focus on your steps for the moment. Don’t worry about rustling the bushes too much yet. There’s a ton of stuff on the ground that can make noise if you step on it. Or it can trip you up, which is even worse.”

Alluka was nothing if not diligent in following Gon’s advice. She kept her eyes trained on the ground from that point on, only following after Gon while he kept his eyes on their pets. She wasn’t exactly doing a bad job of it either. Rustling of the bushes aside, the noises of crunching leaves and branches was slowly but surely ebbing away until they were barely noticeable even for Gon’s advanced hearing. However, unlike with meditation, it had been many years since Gon had taught himself how to stalk and he had forgotten some of his early woes. Hence, Alluka’s fall forty minutes into their lesson took him by surprise.

“Everything okay?” Gon asked.

“My legs are cramping”, Alluka answered.

Pretty badly too, from the looks of it. Gon could see Alluka’s legs shaking even beneath the wide flare of her hakama. It made sense, once Gon stopped to think about it. They had been walking in a crouch this entire time. No way was Alluka used to using her muscles that way. So he called an early day and spent the next quarter hour stretching Alluka’s legs until they stopped cramping before carrying her home.

She fell asleep the moment her back hit the bed and not even Aunt Mito could bring herself to scold her for missing dinner.

Days until departure: 26

Chapter Text

Aunt Mito upped the difficulty the following day and taught Gon how to make fried rice. It meant a lot of cutting. Cutting vegetables, cutting chicken, cutting herbs, and Aunto Mito was insistent on having him use the knife the correct way, aka the way he hated. By the time he was done with all the cutting, Gon was ready to stab the damn knife with another knife. There was a lot of seasoning involved however, a lot more than with the tomato sauce, and that managed to appease him a little bit. Sniffing his way through the herbs and spices to figure out the best combination was fun and rewarding and easily the best aspect of cooking.

Killua did not immediately throw his plate into the trash this time, though Gon suspected that, had the scolding come from anyone less scarier than Aunt Mito, he would have done so just to be a brat. Alas, he had learned his lesson and settled on scowling miserably at his food instead.

“You do know I’m not going to eat this?” Killua said.

Aunt Mito let out a high-pitched whine in the kitchen.

“Why not?” Alluka asked.

“Because Gon made it.” Killua answered.

“But it’s good.”

“But Gon made it.”

“Mito helped him.”

“Do you not hear the words coming out of my mouth? Gon made it!”

Alluka stared at him for a full minute, before finally shrugging. “More for me”, she chirped and reached to take Killua’s plate.

“HEY, HANDS OFF THAT’S MINE!” He slapped Alluka’s hand away.

She rubbed it gingerly, muttering to herself about why her onii-chan had to be such a drama-queen all the time.

Killua glared at his plate for a few more seconds, before finally taking his fork and putting a teeny tiny bit of rice into his mouth. A second or two later, his eyes went impossibly wide and Gon had to fight to keep down the grin.

“What the fuck?!?” Killua whispered to himself when his mouth was empty again and he immediately loaded another, much bigger portion. “You’ve cooked like, twice in your life and both of those times, we made sushi!” He cried. “How the hell did you manage to make this so good?”

“THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING!!!” Aunt Mito yelled from the kitchen.

Gon gave up on trying to keep his smug grin down.

Watching Alluka meditate could almost be classified as fascinating, she was that expressive. He supposed she came after her brother in that regard as well. Gon could tell the very moment the first thoughts entered her mind and her focus on breathing was forgotten by the tiny crease that appeared between her brows and the way her lips thinned ever so slightly. She had to be thinking about something mildly annoying from the looks of it. Maybe about her brother’s dramatics, or how much she hated dusting the house. But then her lip quirked a little and just like that, Gon knew she was trying not to laugh at a thought. Maybe it was her brother’s dramatics, or how the two deercat had made a nest out of their clothes this morning. Gon could even tell the exact moment her mind went still for the first time by the way her face relaxed into something so neutral, it reminded him eerily of Nanika. It only lasted for a few seconds though, before the frown was back and this time, it was quite a bit deeper.

“Gon-nii”, Alluka opened her eyes after a few more minutes, “what happens if I don’t pass the Hunter Exam?”

Gon blinked. He had never even considered the possibility. As far as he was concerned, Alluka had already as good as passed it. But of course, the exam was an unpredictable thing. If someone like a thirteen year old Killua entered, even Alluka would struggle.

“You’ll just come with us then.”

“Do you think onii-chan will allow that?”

“If he doesn’t, I’ll just steal you away,” Gon beamed.

Alluka’s cheeks turned the prettiest pink. She looked so much like Killua at that moment, that Gon had to do a double take.

“You - you can’t say things like that!” Alluka stuttered. Then, much quieter, her cheeks going even redder, “I might accidentally end up believing you.”

That was … not the reaction Gon had expected. She was still so attached to her brother, he had fully expected her to either jump for joy, or play up the rebellious little sister while being secretly pleased.
“Yeah … that would be bad,” Gon said slowly, mostly because he didn’t know how else to answer that.

Alluka bit her lip for a moment, her expression going oddly bitter, before she caught herself and stared down Gon, her eyes now looking almost like Aunt Mito’s when she was about to give a stern scolding.

“You can’t leave onii-chan alone ever again, got it?” Alluka demanded. “No matter what happens, you have to stay by his side. If you don’t, I’ll personally kick your butt!”

Gon didn’t really know how to answer that one, either. “Uuuh … yeah, got it.”

Alluka let out a huff, before going back into her meditative position and closing her eyes.

That was definitely one of the stranger conversations Gon’s had.

When Gon opened his notebook that day, he found himself at a loss. The next step was to figure out what to actually do to heal Killua’s inner injuries. Here’s where Melody had no longer been able to help him though. That is something you’ll have to figure out for yourself, she had said. Which was nice and all, but how was he supposed to do that exactly? Should he just sit Killua down and tell him that hugs were a nice thing that made people feel good? Like that wouldn’t just serve to confuse the living daylights out of him. Should he demonstrate how nice it was being physical by being extra affectionate with Alluka and Aunt Mito in front of him? He hadn’t exactly been as playfully flirty with Alluka as he used to be before the Nanika incident, but Gon could only imagine the sheer amount of veins Killua would pop if they laid it on even thicker than before.

Gon rolled around the floor, thinking. Then he laid on the bed, thinking. Then he sat on the window-sill, still thinking. Time was running out and he was getting absolutely nowhere.
“Guess I’ll just try hugging him until he enjoys it,” He mumbled to himself when he finally gave up.

He wasted no time giving that a try. Killua and Alluka were back mere minutes later and while Alluka collapsed onto the couch, Gon bolted straight for his best friend.

“KILLUA!” he cried, jumping to tackle Killua in a hug.

Killua just so managed to reign in his reflexes and not call out his assassin’s claws before stabbing Gon right in the solar plexus. Gon just about had time to think that this was the stupidest idea he’d ever come up with before he emptied the contents of his stomach all over Killua’s shoes.

“Killua?”

“No.”

“But Killua -”

“No.”

Gon deflated and pressed himself back into the corner of their room. Killua had banished him there after causing a riot over his destroyed shoes. He had damn near destroyed Gon in retaliation. He would have succeeded too, if it hadn’t been for ‘Alluka and her meddling puppy dog eyes’. Thus, all Gon was allowed to do now was to sit in the corner and watch as Killua furiously destroyed his opponent in the newest Mortal Battle game instead.

“Killua -”

“No.”

Gon was nearly in tears.

“Killuaaaaa -”

“Gon, I know how to do each and every single one of these fatalities in real life. If you don’t shut up, you’re gonna be the one to get his intestines ripped out instead of Sceptile.”

“But Alluka -”

“- is busy with her ribbon. Her puppy dog eyes won’t save you in time.”

Gon fell silent again and curled up against his little corner. Killua really was awfully skilled with that game. He could only imagine how cool Killua would look if he actually triple kicked someone like that in real life. Gon kind of wanted to see that.

But while Killua was so focused on his game, maybe Gon could try hugging him again. Without a jump and a near tackle this time. If he approached Killua slowly, there would be no reflexes to mess things up. He could even use the excuse that he was just trying to show how sorry he was for puking all over Killua’s shoes. Alluka cozied up to him and gave him the puppy dog eyes whenever she wanted him to forgive her little mishaps. Maybe that would work for Gon as well. So he got on his feet and slowly made his way over to Killua. Killuas said nothing, continuing to focus on the screen in front of him despite the fact that he was definitely aware that Gon was on the move. He still said nothing when Gon sat down next to him. He didn’t even say anything when Gon was smiling at him, trying his best to mimic Alluka’s doe-eyes. Then, Gon put his head on Killua’s shoulder and next thing he knew, he was crashing into the TV and Killua had jumped to the ceiling.

“GON, WHAT THE F-”

The waves took both Killua and Alluka under, and Gon let out a suffering sigh. Neither of them were bad swimmers by any means and Killua could hold his breath about half as long as Gon could, which was still a lot by pretty much every existing standard. But against the unyielding waves of the tides, they were basically helpless children. No matter how often Gon told them not to fight against them, they kept getting thrown around. Killua and Alluka, Gon understood fast, were not natural born swimmers. So Gon relented to his fate and hopped back into the ocean for the up tenth time to drag both of them back topside. Seconds later, he emerged with Alluka slung over his shoulder and Killua tucked under his arm.

“This is so humiliating,” Killua bitched, though it was just words. The blushing had stopped somewhere around the sixteenth time Gon had to save them from the waves.

The salt water stung against the cuts on Gon’s skin. They had already closed, but they were still a little raw. Alluka had spent fifteen minutes removing all the shards from his back after Killua had thrown Gon into the TV and Gon was still a little salty over that. It may or may not have played into his decision to train the siblings at the beach with the most violent waves on all of Whale Island.

“Let me down Gon, I need to defeat those stupid waves!”

“Killuaaaa, how many times?” Gon whined. “It’s not about defeating them. You have to be able to feel when they come, how fast and how big they’ll be, and then mimic the up and down of the water’s movement.”

“Shut up! It’s either me or the waves and I’m gonna come out on top!”

Gon let out another exasperated sigh and put Killua on the ground, before bending over so Alluka could get off his shoulder. The two of them watched Killua for a while, not knowing whether to be amused or worried over the fact that Killua seemed to be locked in a staredown with the ocean. At some point that Killua obviously determined as the perfectly opportune moment and Gon determined as a perfectly random moment, Killua sprinted back into the water, only to be carried under by the next wave.

“How many times do you think he would’ve drowned if you didn’t keep fishing him out of there?” Alluka asked.

“No idea”, Gon answered. “I stopped counting at twenty-five.”

Resigning himself to a long month of dealing with Killua at his most stubborn and unreasonable, Gon plunged into the waves yet again. This time, he had Killua in a bridal carry and yes, the blush on his face did return. Violently. Killua was hiding his face in his hands, but Gon knew he was seething behind them and probably already planning his revenge for this humiliation.

“All right, this isn’t working,” Gon declared after he unceremoniously plopped Killua on to the sand.

“Really? What gave it away?” Alluka sassed and Gon was beginning to worry that she might be becoming a little too similar to her brother.

“You two need to learn to feel the waves, and that’s not going to happen if you keep trying to swim against them. So …”

Gon jogged to the end of the beach, where several boulders were beginning to form a coast. He picked two that were about twice the size of his head, picked them up, and trotted over to the siblings, where he put them down in front of them.

“You two are going to take a boulder each and walk around with them on the ocean floor!” Gon declared.

Killua and Alluka looked at him as if he had just declared that he had been Illumi all along.

“You cannot be serious”, Killua gaped.

“You tried having a face off with the literal ocean”, Gon shot back.

“Those waves were taunting me and you know it!”

“They’re waves, Killua!”

Killua glared at him and Gon glared right back.

“I hate you so much!” Killua hissed after a long minute.

He still obediently trotted back to his stone and picked it up, not even giving him a second glance as he stalked right into the ocean. Behind Gon, Alluka struggled to even pick up the stone. Killua managed one wave, but then he mocked the ocean for not being able to topple him over straight away and his balance was off enough that the second wave knocked him onto his back, the stone falling right on top of him. He hadn’t even been entirely submerged. Gon let out a groan that almost turned into a desperate sob, before going to fish Killua out of the water once more.

Days left until departure: 25

Chapter Text

The following day was a Sunday, which meant no schoolwork. No schoolwork meant a lazy morning. Killua, Alluka, and even Aunt Mito slept in, but Gon’s internal clock was set in stone and he was up at the crack of dawn as per usual. He busied himself with tending to the vegetable garden and uprooting the weeds. By the time that was done, Aunt Mito was awake and alert and the two got to cooking breakfast. There wasn’t much taste-testing to do when making pancakes, so while their pancakes tasted the same, Gon’s lack of experience at handling a frying pan meant that his looked much worse. He wouldn’t be at all surprised if Killua refused to touch those.

It seemed, however, that Killua had learned his lesson. Not only did he not make a face when presented with Gon’s misshapen pancakes, he scarved them down without hesitation. Not even that one split second of conflict that Gon had observed could be found. Absolutely nothing could have prepared Gon for the effect such a success would have on him. His heart swelled in pure unadulterated pride, but that much he had expected. The way his nerves tingled underneath his skin, and the way breathing suddenly became a bit more difficult, and how his heart hammered in his chest, and how he felt light and airy somehow, and how there was a shudder running down his spine, and how he could not, for the life of him, control the smile blooming on his face. He kind of felt like crying and laughing at the same time and he was so paralyzed, he couldn’t do either. Because Killua trusted him. He trusted him. He trusted him so much that the possibility of his food being poisoned didn’t even cross his mind. Over a decade of trauma, lessons hammered into him during his most formative years, were being healed and overwritten. That’s how much Killua trusted Gon.

“Don’t get a big head just because your food is good,” Killua said, probably misinterpreting whatever face Gon was making as a smug grin. Gon couldn’t bring himself to care.

“I would never,” he beamed.

And then, because he might have not been able to think properly due to whatever state Killua had unwittingly put him in, but also because he was eager to replicate the success, Gon did something utterly and supremely stupid; he attempted to boop Killua’s nose.

They needed a wish from Nanika to reattach Gon’s finger after Killua had bitten it straight off. Needless to say, Gon stayed away missions: heal Killua’s inner wounds for the rest of the day.

Gon’s motivation was back in full swing the next day and while Alluka was out training her fundamentals with Killua, Gon sat down with his little notebook, trying yet again to figure out what actually had to do in order to heal that particular injury. So far, all three attempts had caused Killua to retaliate violently. He had stabbed Gon in the stomach, thrown him into a TV, and bitten off his Index finger. Gon wasn’t discouraged per se, but he did fear that there might not be anything left of him before any progress was made if he didn’t change tactics soon.
The only problem was; Gon still couldn’t think of a tactic to save his life. He had spent the entirety of the hour and a half last time in his room, getting absolutely nowhere. The best thing he could come up with now was to maybe try changing locations and continue thinking. The best place he could think of was on the couch with Aunt Mito, though he left his notebook upstairs. She’d surely ask questions if she saw him with one. Or worse yet, tell Killua about it.

“Need advice?” Aunt Mito asked when Gon plopped down on the couch next to her.

Oh yeah, she had told him to come if needed any help. Not like Aunt Mito was a master of subtlety herself or anything and as far as sensitivity went, she took the third place in the human bulldozer race, right behind Ging and himself. But she was still a woman and she was still his mother. She would probably look at this from an angle he hadn’t even thought to consider.

“I want to hug Killua,” Gon therefore said.

That didn’t even begin to cover the whole spectrum of the issue, but Aunt Mito knew enough to understand why that one simple want had him so frazzled. A solution to that would be all Gon needed to get past this roadblock.

“That’s it?” Aunt Mito said, lowering a book and raising an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah.”

“Just ask him.”

That …

…

……..

……………

Well crap. There was his solution. Such an obvious one, too. As easy and simple as it could’ve been. To think Gon hadn’t thought of it.
“I feel very stupid right now,” Gon said.

“That’s because you are, darling,” Aunt Mito answered.

He couldn’t even refute that.

Gon was the first to hit a major milestone. During their third combat session, he managed to take on a full barrage of Killua’s attacks without losing his guard once. No matter what kind of tricks Killua pulled on him, be they kicks, punches, rapid position changes, fake-outs, he didn’t manage to get a single clean hit. By the time Killua stopped the spar, he was just as out of breath as Gon was.

“That was so cool!” Alluka swooned. “I want to try! Let me go next!”

“Settle down,” Killua barked. “You’re not gonna be able to replicate that so fast. Most people take at least three months of regular practice to do what Gon just did.”

“How long did it take you?” Gon asked. After all, just like himself, Killua was not most people.

Killua looked away, a blush spreading on to his cheeks. “... two weeks,” he admitted.

Gon’s smile went wide. “That’s amazing! As expected from Killua!”

Killua’s cheeks went even redder. “What - No - I - You only needed six days!”

“Onii-chan is weaker than Gon-nii,” Alluka teased.

“Shaddap! Am not!”

“But Killua,” Gon said, “I have years of combat experience already. You didn’t and you still only needed two weeks. That’s much more impressive.”

Alluka opened her mouth to argue, but her expression went blank before she could say anything, so she closed it again and pouted instead. If Gon had liken a guess, she wanted to tease her brother but couldn’t think of anything in time. Killua meanwhile, was shrinking into himself a little, his mouth going into that little wobbly line like it always did when Killua was trying his damndest to hold down a smile. Couple that with how his blush was spreading over his nose, and Gon’s head emptied itself of all thought except ‘cute’ for a moment.

“Killua”, he started before the gears in his head began moving again, “can I hug you?”

Killua gave him a look that told Gon that his brain had just fizzled out as well.

“.. huh?” He squeaked

“HUH?!?” Alluka squawked.

“Can I hug you?” Gon asked again.

Killua gaped at him for a moment longer, before he finally caught himself.

“Why?” He asked, his tone at least an octave higher than usual.

Why? Crap, what answer could Gon give to that? He had to get his brain working again.

“I did well, right?” Gon tried. “If you’re a teacher, you should hug people when they do well. That’s what Aunt Mito always does.”

And it wasn’t even a lie. Gon could be quick sometimes when he really needed to be!

“Yeah well, I’m not Mito-san!” Killua protested. “And even if I was, I still wouldn’t hug you while you were all gross and sweaty. Go take a shower!”

A shower? Now? When he was supposed to give Alluka Zetsu lessons after this? But … if that’s Killua demanded.

“If I do, can I hug you then?” Gon asked.

“NO!” Killua bellowed.

“What about me?” Alluka whined. “I want hugs, too!”

“I’ll give you as many hugs as you want. And then twice as many once you’ve succeeded in your lessons,” Gon smiled.

“Give me one now!”

Gon laughed and spread out his arms, and Alluka hopped to her feet and ran right into them. He squeezed her tight and then both of them glanced at Killua and stuck out their tongues at him.

“Noooooo,” He groaned. “Do you really have to start with that again?”

Gon and Alluka both giggled. The Nanika issue was still hanging over their heads and just thinking of her still made Gon want to run for the hills, but step by step, things were slowly being fixed. He glanced at Alluka and she glanced back at him and then he buried his head in her hair and she hers in his neck.

“We do!” They chanted.

Something was different at Alluka’s next meditation session. It had started off normal enough, but as the minutes passed by, the air turned increasingly heavy. It wasn’t just that Alluka was too lost in thoughts to focus on her breathing. She wasn’t breathing well to begin with. It didn’t take long for Gon to understand what was happening; Alluka had worked through a lot of the noise in her head and some of the smaller anxieties, and was being confronted with her first big traumas. Things she may have thought endlessly about, or maybe things that had built up inside of her, but she had never dared touch. Gon remembered what that felt like. Whatever was coming next wouldn’t be messy, but Gon hoped that Alluka would let him in and allow him to help her through it. So when she opened her eyes, looking at him like she was mustering the courage to speak, Gon gave her his most reassuring smile.

“Gon-nii …” she started slowly. “Do you … hate your dad?”

This again? What was it with the Zoldyck siblings and their interest in his relationship with Ging?

“Not really, no,” Gon answered.

“Then … do you love him?”

“No. Not really.”

“What about your mom?”

Gon fought to keep his face under control. Had Killua told her something? No, he wouldn’t break a promise like that. Had she overheard something? Or maybe …

“Are you talking about Aunt Mito?” Gon asked.

“No. I mean the woman who gave birth to you. You never knew her, right? Do you hate her for not being in your life? Or do you love her because she’s still your mother?”

Gon tilted his head, confused. “How am I supposed to love or hate someone I’ve never met?”

She obviously had more to say about the topic, judging by the way her jaw was clenching, but Gon didn’t press. If she wanted to continue talking, she would.

“When onii-chan stole me away from home, he asked something. He said; ‘if I was the only person in the world who loved you, would you be sad?’”

If Killua … A question like that came as a slap to the face for him, but before he had the time to ponder why, Alluka continued.

“When onii-chan asked me that question, he looked so sad,” she said. “I didn’t understand why. I mean, I’ve spent so many years all alone in that room. Nobody ever came to see me. Not even onii-chan. All this time, I thought ‘nobody loves me’. So when onii-chan said he did, I was so happy I thought I could die. Onii-chan loved me, so what was there to be sad about?”

What indeed? To Gon, the answer was simple; Alluka deserved to be loved. By everyone, including her parents. The fact that right now, it was only him, Killua and Aunt Mito felt somehow … wrong.

“But now … now it’s not just onii-chan. I have Mito and Gon-nii, and you both love me and I love you. We laugh together and we tease each other and take care of each other. I’m not sad even when you and onii-chan are gone because you love me so much that you’ll always want to come back to me, no matter how strong the call to adventure is. It’s more than I ever thought I’d have and I’m happier than I ever thought was possible. So then … Gon-nii … why do I feel so lonely?”

This was where Alluka broke and the tears started falling. Gon had told her to talk to him, and yet here he sat, not knowing what to say to her. The only thing he could do was to listen while she continued.

“My mother and father hate me.” Alluka sobbed. “They locked me away in a room. Only me, no one else. They love all of my siblings. Their love is terrible and it hurts them all, but they still love them. They love Illumi-nii-san and Milluki-nii-san and Kalluto and they especially love onii-chan and then I keep thinking ‘why is onii-chan the only one that loves me?’ And I finally understand why he looked so sad when he asked me that question. Because all children want to be loved by their parents. All this time, I thought I didn’t care and ignored them, but … but I do care. I love them so much. Why can’t they love me, too?”

Gon didn’t have an answer. But if it was love Alluka wanted, that was something he could give her. So he gently scooped her up and placed her in his lap, where she immediately grabbed his shirt for dear life and buried her face in his chest.

“I don’t understand,” Alluka cried. “I have someone in my life who treats me like their own child. I have two big brothers who dote on me. I have so much love in my life. Why can’t I hate my parents like onii-chan does? Why do I still want my parents to love me so badly?”

Gon didn’t understand it either. He couldn’t recall ever wanting someone in particular to love him, especially not his parents. Gon … didn’t really care who loved him, just so long as he was allowed to love others. He loved Alluka. He loved Aunt Mito. He loved Killua. Even if no one in the world loved him, Gon would be happy as long as he got to love Killua. Was that strange? Should he be yearning for his father and mother the way Alluka yearned for hers in his arms? Was that why Killua and Alluka were so befuddled by his apathy towards his parents? If so, then what should he say to Alluka if he couldn’t even begin to understand her particular brand of loneliness.

“I can’t help you understand it,” Gon tried, “but I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way you do. I think … I think you’ve grown. You’ve grown enough to realize that you love people who have been bad to you and face the pain that comes with that. Maybe you’ll keep loving them for the rest of your life. Maybe you won’t. Either way, the three of us will keep giving you so much love that the hole in your heart that your parents left will be filled someday. And then, even if you still love them, you won’t need them to love you anymore.”

Yes. That was the best answer Gon could come up with. And to prove it, he squeezed Alluka a bit harder, holding her tight while she wailed helplessly in his arms.

A hole in her heart, huh? Gon idly wondered if he had one, too.

Alluka’s breakdown had left Gon drained. He should probably open his notebook and work through more of his notes, but he couldn’t muster up the energy to do so. Therefore, not knowing what to do with his time for once, Gon decided to sit on the roof and watch Killua and Alluka train. He’d always been so preoccupied with his own training, or had been busy training with Killua, to ever really take the time to observe how a member of the famous Zoldyck family fought and trained. Gon could only imagine how much he could learn from watching the two of them work.

That had been the plan at least, but it sure as hell wasn’t what ended up happening. It took only a few minutes and Gon was entirely entranced. The way Killua moved was beautiful in the deadliest way possible. Gon had always thought of Killua as cat-like, a unique combination of elegance and silliness that defied all sense and logic. But when he put his assassin skills to use, he turned into something more akin to a snake. Powerful and controlled. Precise and deadly. Graceful and otherworldly. Still as a lake, but full of tension like a storm, right up until it was time to strike. It was mesmerizing, watching him. It was like he was being hypnotized, enchanted by the movement like an unsuspecting prey would be by the patterns of queen cobra, or the weaving of a flower mantis. To a mixture of horror and delight, Gon found that he wouldn’t mind at all if Killua lured him in and sank his teeth or his claws into him. He’d have to take time to watch Killua train more often from now on.

Wait, hadn’t he come to the roof to do something?

Oh yeah, observe and learn from Alluka’s training. So much for that. The two of them were almost done. Gon had legit spent a full hour and a half doing nothing but watching Killua move.

“YO GON, GET OVER HERE!” Killua yelled.

Gon wasted no time following that call and hopped off the roof to join the siblings.

“Alluka’s gonna work on her ribbon next, so we’re off. Wanna play some Mortal Battle with me?”

The difference between Killua now and Killua earlier was incredibly stark. Just a few minutes ago, he had been one of the most dangerous creatures on the planet, making willing prey out of Gon without even realizing he was doing it. Now, with his large, pointed eyes and wide grin, he looked like an overly curious kitten. Gon wanted to ruffle his hair.

“Huh? No way, you were just up on the roof, your hands are probably hella dirty!” Killua barked.

Hmmm … sweaty body, dirty hands. Killua had always been a cleanly creature now that Gon thought about it, even if his bathing habits were a bit odd. He took his time to clean himself thoroughly, and soaked in the tub after, even if it wasn’t for long. You don’t want someone else’s blood in a bath. And you want to make sure to relax your mind and muscles after a kill. That’s what he had been taught, and that was a habit he still abided by. Gon briefly wondered if that counted as an inner injury, too. He’d write it down in his notebook tomorrow. Until then, he’d try asking Killua for contact again when he was perfectly clean. But until then …

“You want me to touch the joystation controller when my hands are dirty?” Gon asked.

“Wha - I - That’s not -” Killua sputtered. What exactly was so embarrassing about this particular question went over Gon’s head. “Of course not! Go wash your hands and then we’ll play!”

“Okay!” Gon beamed and started hopping back into the house. “Good luck with your ribbon, Alluka!”

Days left until departure: 22

Chapter Text

What Gon had Alluka do during her Nen training - that is, making her sit with her own thoughts so she was forced to work through them - would be nowhere near enough to learn how to cope, live with, or heal from trauma. If it was that easy, Gon would have no issues talking openly about what transpired in East Gorteau. Still, the shift in her meditation the following day was stark. Her face was still and passive, no more frowns or twitches. Her breathing was soft and even. When Gon had first reached that stage he had been surprised by how tranquil his head suddenly was, and how he had never noticed how loud his thoughts had been, or how permanent the noise in his brain. He had spent an entire day doing nothing but listening to the sounds of nature, the bees humming between the flowers, the wind rustling in the leaves, the mice flitting through the grass, the birds singing in the trees. Gon’s hearing had always been sharper than most, but even he had never heard his surroundings this clearly and crisp before, with no commotion in his head to obstruct the sounds. He wondered if that’s where Alluka was right now.

“Alluka”, he whispered, not wanting to pull her too far out of her reverie, “what do you hear?”

“I hear the flowers,” she answered. “They’re singing to the sun.”

Singing flowers? That’s certainly not what Gon had expected. He knew for sure that Alluka’s hearing wasn’t nearly as good as his, so how did she hear flowers singing when that was something not even Gon had ever picked up. Was that Nanika’s influence maybe? Gon decided to indulge.

“What are they singing about?” He asked.

“I can’t make out the words, but it’s a happy song. I think they’re trying to tell her how they love having her shine down on them.”

Gon wondered if Alluka even knew how exceptional what she was hearing was. He closed his eyes, a soft smile on his lips, and concentrated on the sun shining down on his face. He couldn’t hear the flowers sing, but he had a feeling he knew what their song sounded like.

“I wish I could hear them too,” he sighed.

He would let her enjoy this tranquility for today. Maybe even for tomorrow. It wouldn’t last anyway. Sooner or later, the noise in her head would start up again as the next deeply buried trauma worked its way to the surface. Or maybe the latest one would cry for attention again. Gon wanted to shoo her along to the next step before that happened. As much as he would love to let her discover what was to come by herself, they were on a deadline and it was approaching fast. For today though, he would let her listen to the flowers as they sang and bathe in the sunlight with them.

Though the peace might have settled a bit too deeply within them. In the trance the sounds of nature put him into, it felt like only a few minutes had passed before Gon picked up a whiff of Killua’s scent. A light, airy thing, barely noticeable but with that definite hint of ozone that followed him around ever since he had decided on his hatsu. It was the only thing that told Gon that Killua was near when he wasn’t focused on his Aura. After all, even here in the forest, Killua’s footsteps were perfectly silent.

“It’s time for fundamentals training,” he said.

Alluka nearly jumped out of her skin. Of course she did, she didn’t know how to use Gyo yet and didn’t have Gon’s enhanced senses, so there was no way she had noticed Killua coming.

“Already?” Gon asked. It really had felt like only minutes had passed.

“What do you mean, ‘already’? We were supposed to get started a half an hour ago.”

Oh. Oops.

“Sorry, Killua,” Gon stuck out his tongue.

Killua rolled his eyes at that. “Let’s just go. Come on, Alluka.”

“Wait!”

Gon had just spent an entire hour meditating and he hadn’t done any physical exercise yet. In other words, he was perfectly clean and he had Killua’s attention. So!

“Give me your hand!” He demanded.

Killua’s eyes narrowed.“Why?”

“I want to hold it,” Gon answered matter-of-factly.

Killua did not gape this time, though whatever that funny thing was that his face was doing instead told Gon that his brain still needed a moment to wrap itself around what Gon had just said. Behind them, Alluka tried and failed not to snort at Killua’s reaction.

“My hands are clean this time. See?”

Gon held up his palms to demonstrate, but when he held one out for Killua to put his hand into, all he got was a flustered huff in return.

“I - I don’t know what you’re up to, but we don’t have time for that,” Killua stuttered and stomped past Gon to grab Alluka’s wrist instead. The blush was still spread all over his cheeks. “Alluka and I need to go train. go do … whatever it is you’re doing when we’re busy!”

Alluka shot him a sympathetic look when Killua dragged her away, but otherwise didn’t protest and seconds later, Gon was alone. He let himself fall backwards into flowers and gazed up at the sky, a gorgeous blue that tried its best to measure up to Killua’s eyes, even though it always failed.

“So timing is important too, huh?” Gon thought out loud.

That couldn’t be so difficult. Killua and Gon had a whole hour and a half to themselves later today when Alluka was practicing how to use her ribbon. He would just try again then.

That plan fell through when Killua decided that he had severe cases of chocolate withdrawal symptoms and needed to go run to town to buy out the market's entire stock. But Gon could wait.

Gon actually managed to finish his homework faster than everyone else the following day. It was a course on history. To be precise, the history of Lurka, the civilization Ging had discovered. Gon had listened to Ging go on about the topic often enough that he knew all the details by heart and thus, his homework was completed in a flash. This meant he had more time to help Aunt Mito cook and she used that opportunity to have him cook something a little more time consuming. Chili con carne was all about which ingredients to throw into the mix at what time and Gon knew fifteen minutes in that there was no way he was going to memorize this on his first try. Aunt Mito tried to explain the logic to him (apparently 70% of cooking was just basic chemistry. Who knew), but Gon had no other personal experiences he could link it to, so understanding it would take time. He was also allowed to play with the spices as he wanted today and the result left Aunt Mito seething in jealousy.

“Don't be like that, Aunt Mito,” Gon tried. “Even if it tastes good, there's no way it would've been edible at all if you didn't help me make it.”

He peppered kisses up and down her arms in hopes to quell her anger. It had the desired effect and her jealousy was soon forgotten in favor of amused giggles.

“You’re such a little lady killer,” she laughed. “Poor Killua must have such a hard time with you.”

“He did ‘save’ me from the one or the other date I went on.”

Not that he had needed saving. As far as Gon was concerned, all of his dates had been perfectly cordial, even the one he went on with Palm. And yet, Killua had insisted on dragging him out of every single one of them for some reason or another.

“Uh huh.. I'm sure he did,” Aunt Mito shot him a wiry smile.

“That's because he keeps attracting cougars,” Killua said as he entered the room. “The unsavory kind.”

“Gon-nii goes on dates with cats?” Alluka trotted in after her brother.

“If only. I'd be less worried if he did. Damn that smells good, what'd you guys make?”

“Chilli”, Gon answered. “And you've abducted me from dates with girls our age, too.”

“Listen, any girl who asks you if you're into rape play on your very first date is bad news.”

Aunt Mito dropped the skillet and the chili was only saved because Gon dove to catch it.

“How do you even know she asked that?” Gon demanded.

Killua bristled, his cheeks going pink. “That's… none of your business!!!”

“Fine! Then what about that indigenous girl from the mountain tribe?”

“That was basically a wedding. You would've been married if you’d gone through with that.”

“And the daughter of that one inn we stayed in?”

“She just… she gave me bad vibes, okay?!”

Gon called BS. He didn't know why or how exactly, but he always knew when Killua was lying to him and right now, Killua was lying to him.

“I wish you strength, sweetheart,” Aunt Mito tried to put a comforting hand on Killua's shoulder, which he discreetly swerved out of the way of. “If it cheers you up at all, you have my approval.”

Killua's face basically exploded, that's how fast it turned red. Gon just pouted. Like Killua needed any more motivation to meddle in Gon's dating life.

“How come you've never gone on a date with me?” Alluka piped in.

“You want to go on one?” Gon asked.

Alluka nodded enthusiastically.

“Then that'll be your reward once you pass the Hunter Exam. I'll pull out all the stops!”

He grabbed Alluka's hand and placed a gentle kiss on it. It elicited a small giggle out of her and she playfully batted her eyes at him.

“HEY!” Killua barked. “I don't remember giving you permission to seduce my little sister!”

“I don't remember Gon-nii needing your permission to seduce me!” Alluka shot back.

“Well he does and I forbid it!”

“The only permission he needs is mine and I allow it!”

Gon and Aunt Mito decided to set the table while the idiot siblings glared at one another.

“You're just jealous because I get to go on a date with Gon-nii and you don't!” Alluka sneered.

That… might actually be right on the money. Gon had wondered once in a while whether Killua's was that he was spending too much time with Alluka, or that Alluka was spending too much time with him.
“Huh?!?! What kind of delusion are you living in?” Killua shot back, though the blush had found its way to his cheeks again.

“I can take you on a date sometime!” Gon beamed. He liked the idea of that. Going on a date with Killua actually sounded like it'd be really fun. “I'll even make it extra special. It's Killua, after all.”

“!!!”

Killua's mouth was opening and closing like a fish, only the occasional squeak escaping his throat. His face had taken on an impressive tomato color. Gon idly wondered if he should be worried that Killua might overheat. He kind of wanted to see how far he could push.

“Can I kiss your hand, too?” Gon therefore asked, holding out his open palm to Killua.

Gon could practically see the steam emitting from Killua's ears before he bolted out of the room. He hadn't even touched the chili.

“Stupid kid,” Aunt Mito muttered. “No wonder he's not getting anywhere if he's acting like that.”

“Tell me about it,” Alluka sighed.

The next day was a big day for Alluka. She made one breakthrough after another. Starting with Nen training. Gon had decided to give Alluka an extra day yesterday to just sit and listen to nature, but today he would have to guide her to the next step.

“Take that same clarity you listen to the world around you with, and direct it inwards,” Gon instructed. “Listen to your heartbeat, the sound of your breathing, and the blood flowing through your veins. Listen to as many sounds of your body being alive as you can pick up.”

Alluka nodded determinedly and closed her eyes with a controlled exhale while Gon used Gyo on his eyes. It took a few minutes, but soon, he could see a change in the flow of Alluka's aura. It wasn't that any more or any less was emitted, but the way it flowed evened out to a degree it would never do on its own. She was in the zone.

“Very good,” Gon praised. “You're doing well. Now, try to do more than just listen. Try to feel the life in your body. The way your heart pumps blood through your veins, the way your lungs fill your blood with air, even the endless signals being sent through your nervous system. Try and feel it all. The more the better.”

Gon had expected this to take at least a day or two. Even with instructions, consciously feeling your body was a very tall order. But a bit more than a half an hour in, Alluka seemed to be getting the hang of it.

“It's all starting to blend together,” she thought out loud.

“And what does the blend feel like?” Gon asked.

Alluka thought for a minute. Her answer put a smile on his face.

“Like life itself,” she said.

“That's what Aura feels like,” Gon said. “Remember that feeling. You'll need it for what comes next.”

He ended their meditation session there for today. It would have only gone on for another 10 minutes anyway. Gon idly wondered what it was about Alluka that made her advance so quickly. Was it her Zoldyck bloodline? Was it Nanika's influence? Was it the many years spent locked away that forced her to spend a lot of time with herself? Probably a mixture of all of it. That's what the answer usually was.

“I think,” Gon said, “you'll do just fine on the Hunter Exam.”

Alluka sent him the brightest of smiles in return.

Combat training was similarly successful. Alluka did fall a couple of times still (though Killua always made sure she'd fall on her behind, a luxury Gon had never gotten), but only a few minutes before the training session was over, she managed to keep standing until Killua stopped his attacks.

“Not bad,” he said. “You still opened yourself up a few times, but never so much that I managed to get a good hit in. You're getting there. And it only took you 9 days.”

That last sentence had a definite bitter note to it. Killua loved his sister to death, but apparently not enough to not feel the blow to his pride when she beat his record by five whole days.

“Does that mean I'm ready for the Hunter Exam already?” Alluka asked.

“Don't get ahead of yourself. All that means is that you won't get the shit beaten out of you the way Gon did.”

“I WON THAT FIGHT!” Gon hollered.

“YOU DIDN'T WIN SHIT!” Killua yelled back. “THOSE RULES WERE BONKERS AND WE BOTH KNOW IT! GET BACK TO YOUR PUNCHES, TRAINING ISN'T OVER YET!”

Punching the air. That's what Killua had him do since his first successful row of blocking the other day. That, or playing yet another round of defense in a spar. To be fair, Killua was teaching him a proper punching technique and the repetition was there for no other reason than to turn into something intuitive. It appeared Gon's punches so far always had too much of a wind up, making them slow, predictable and easy to block dodge. Well, slow for Gon's standard. Speed had been Gon's specialty after all before Killua had learned Godspeed. So Killua had first taught him punches from traditional boxing and then from other martial sports called Krav Maga, Hung Gar and Muay Thai.

Assassin's aren't supposed to engage in battle if they can at all help it. But sometimes we find ourselves in a fight without a weapon against an opponent who knows what they're doing, and we need to be able to defend ourselves when that happens.

That had been Killua's explanation when Gon had asked why he had learned all of this when none of those techniques were meant to kill. Though Gon had been morbidly fascinated to learn that Muay Thai was very much meant to maul.

“Gon-nii, Gon-nii!” Alluka beamed, hopping over to where he was doing his punches. “You said I'd get lots of hugs when I succeed in my lessons. I just succeeded in a lesson, so give me hugs!”

Gon laughed and picked her up, twirling her around a few times until her laughter was louder than hdrink “You want me to spin you around too?” Gon asked when he saw the sour look on Killua's face.

“ABSOLUTELY NOT!”

Alluka's success didn't stop there. She had gotten used to staying in a crouch for an extended period of time, so her legs were no longer cramping during Zetsu training. It took all of her concentration to perform everything Gon had taught her about moving silently through the woods, but they did manage to stalk the deercat for an entire hour and a half without them looking up once. As a reward, he carried her home on his shoulders and spent the entire evening braiding beads into her hair after they had both taken a shower. Killua even joined in and allowed Alluka to do a pedicure on him. She used Aunt Mito's brightest shade of pink of course, and Killua only grumbled a little bit at that. All Gon could think was that the color suited him oddly well.

It started raining again at some point, making the air smell of wet grass.

“Does this mean we won't be able to train tomorrow?” Alluka asked.

“No, don't worry,” Gon answered. “It's just a small shower, it won't last.”

It did help to make the evening feel even more cozy, though. Aunt Mito had made everyone hot chocolate with marshmallows, the one sweet drink Gon actually liked that wasn't a juice of some kind. All three of them were wrapped in blankets, playing some stupid word game or talking about some stupid topic. Alluka's incredible strides were putting everyone's mind at ease, even Killua's. And Nanika had refused to show herself for so long,that all three of them had managed to ban that problem to some corner of their brains for the moment. When Alluka fell asleep on the couch, Gon knew they would be spending the night in the living room. Not that it mattered, Aunt Mito's carpet was very soft.

More importantly than that though, was that Killua looked content. He was soft and comfortable and warm and pliant. Well… as pliant as Killua would ever be, Gon supposed. And He had nowhere to be. And Gon was freshly showered. If this wasn't perfect timing, Gon didn't know what was.

“Killua,” Gon said quietly, “can I hug you?”

The blood shot to Killua's cheeks almost as fast as Killua's eyes shot to Gon. But there was no panic reaction this time, no shouting or running or bristling or stumbling over his own words. Just a bit of conflict on his face as Killua, for the very first time, actually contemplated the request. Gon allowed himself to hope.

“Can't you go hug Mito?” Killua deflected, though the tone of his voice was oddly… unsure.

“I could,” Gon answered. “But I want to hug Killua.”

The blush on Killua's face deepened. “Why?”

“Because you look really cozy. And if I can cuddle up to you, we'll be even cozier.”

Killua looked back to ground, falling silent as he contemplated Gon's request once again. Gon would give a lot right now to have a look inside of Killua's mind and find out what exactly he was so torn about.

“No,” Killua finally said.

“Why not?” Gon whined.

“Because.”

“That's not an answer.”

“Gon!”

There was something… something… Gon couldn't quite place it. Nervous, maybe? Scared? Something a little wobbly, definitely - in Killua's voice. Like maybe he was trying to put his foot down and not quite managing. Or maybe like he was willing himself to not run away. Or maybe like he regretted saying no. Either way, it was enough motivation for Gon to drop the issue. It was by far the least bad response Gon had gotten so far, but if asking wouldn't work even under these optimal conditions, then Gon would have to think of something else.

Days left until departure: 19

Chapter Text

Alluka's breakthrough yesterday meant it was time for Gon to actually get working on opening Alluka's Aura Nodes. Everything up until now had been about getting her to a point where she could start doing that. Like prepping the ingredients before you actually started cooking. So when they reached their usual flower field, with a blanket again as the ground was a little wet still, Gon sat her down and put on his serious face.

“Remember that feeling from yesterday?” He asked. “When you felt deep into your body and all the different parts of it were blending together into one?”

Alluka nodded gravely. “You said that was Aura.”

“Correct. And today, you're going to follow the flow of that Aura from inside your body to where it exits. You're going to find that it exits at certain spots. Those are your Aura Nodes. Try and locate just one of them and tell me when you found it.”

Alluka gave a determined huff and closed her eyes with an equally determined expression. Immediately, Gon knew he had messed up.

“Relax, Alluka,” he laughed a little helplessly. “I didn't mean you have to focus on your Aura immediately. It'll take a bit until you can tap into that feeling out of nowhere.”

Alluka responded by opening her eyes and deflating, waiting for Gon's next instructions.

“Do what you've been doing so far. Focus on your breathing until the sounds of your surroundings pull you away and then focus that clarity inwards. If you can hear the sounds of your body from the get go, all the better, follow that instead. And then slowly switch your focus from listening to feeling until you've picked up on your Aura.”

Alluka nodded again, much softer this time, took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Within the minute, her breathing softened and her features evened out. A few more minutes and the flow of Alluka's Aura settled.

“I feel my Aura,” she said.

“Good. Can you feel its flow?”

Alluka nodded and Gon smiled, satisfied. Feeling the flow of Aura inside your body rather than just outside was key to opening your Aura Nodes. It was also what had allowed Gon to regain his strength as fast as he had. It made sense to him now, why most masters refused to open Aura Nodes forcefully. Knowing, understanding, how your Aura flows within your body was just as -maybe even more- important than how it flows once it exits it. That was what Wing's ‘Nen of the flame’ was all about. No wonder Gon and Killua had been able to use Ten so much better after they had practiced it for the month Gon had been healing. The refinement one could add to their Nen with this understanding was on a completely different level and Gon wondered how he had ever managed to do as well as he had without it. He slightly wondered if Killua had ever discovered that.

“Follow it,” Gon instructed. “Tell me where it leads you.”

“Down a stream” Alluka answered. “A strong, powerful stream, like a huge river. I can feel some of it branching off though. There are smaller streams leading away everywhere I look. Some of them are bigger, some smaller.”

When Gon had first discovered this, he had followed the main stream for days, eager to see where it led him, not understanding that it took him round and round in circles. Good thing he could cut that process short for Alluka.

“Pick one of those streams and follow it down. Any one of them will do.”

There was no answer other than a single, slightly bigger breath that Alluka took as she prepared for her upcoming task. Then, she went silent. Gon didn't know how long this would take. He himself had lost all sense of time when swept up in the flow of his Aura. He could have been following the streams for mere seconds or several hours. Ergo, all he could do was wait.

“Is this a Node?”

It had only taken a few minutes. Five at most. Not bad.

“Where the stream ends and it feels like it's finding cracks in a wall to disappear through?”

Alluka frowned. “More like it’s slowly sinking through the earth. But yes, the stream disappears.”

Interesting. Gon idly wondered if the nodes felt different for everyone.

“Close enough,” he said. “Yes, that's a node. Try controlling you Aura. Make it well up, make it gather there, and then make it push through that spot. There'll be a little resistance, but it should open fairly easily.”

That was the secret behind Nen. Controlling the nodes themselves, opening and closing them, was an impossibility. It was the pressure put on them from your Aura, either from the inside or from the outside, that forced them open or close. It was a little bit like how one could never make their eyes stop seeing on purpose, but one could still open or close their eyelids to control how much information is relayed to the eye. And just like blinking, controlling your Aura was an instinctual process. There was no way for him to tell her how to do that specifically, but starting small, with the opening of a single node, should be an easy task. Except…

“Gon-nii”, Alluka started, a deep frown on her face. “It won't open.”

“What?”

“I'm pushing against it with all my might. It feels like I have a whole dam of Aura against the node. But it won't open. What am I doing wrong?”

That shouldn't happen. Not with a single Aura Node. If she tried to open multiple at once maybe, that could be a big order, but it sounded like she was doing everything right. Aura nodes were so fickle, they would open even if the person wasn't aware of their Aura. That's how masters of their craft managed to use Nen without ever knowing. So why was Alluka's not opening. Was some outside force keeping it locked?

Oh… of course. That had to be it. Something was keeping it locked, but it was an inside force. One Gon wasn't ready to face.

“You're not doing anything wrong,” Gon answered. “That's probably Nanika's doing.”

Alluka didn't understand, the confusion written all over her face. Of course she didn't. People didn't know what their own Aura felt to others. There was no way she would be able to pick up the subtle way Nanika's aura was weaved into her own. But it had to be. That was the only way any of this made sense. It wasn't that Alluka's nodes hadn't opened yet. It was that Nanika kept them closed whenever she wasn't ‘out’. A necessity for both of their sakes, Gon assumed. Alluka and Nanika were sharing a body after all, meaning Nanika's Aura was flowing freely within her, probably side by side with Alluka's Aura. Nanika needed the Nodes open to use her powers, but Alluka, with no control of her Aura yet, would collapse if Nanika were to leave them open whenever she retreated. If Alluka wanted to learn Nen, she would have to do so in accordance with Nanika. But Nanika refused to come out and if Gon was honest with himself - which he pretty much always was - he didn't want Nanika to come out. He wasn't ready yet. The day they had almost killed each other still haunted him.

“Training's over for today.” Gon stood up abruptly.

“What? But there's still half an hour left!”

“I know, but… I need to think. Go find your brother and start fundamentals early. We owe him that half hour anyway.”

With that, he stalked off, leaving a confused Alluka behind.

Gon decided that he was not ready to take on the Nanika issue quite yet and once again followed Killua's example of ‘run to fight another day’. In a hilarious twist of irony, this time he used mission: heal Killua's inner wounds to distract himself from the Nanika problem. It felt like just yesterday when he had done the same thing, but vice versa.

But even here, Gon was facing a conundrum. After sleeping on his latest failed attempt at working on Killua's touch aversion, he had come to understand that Killua would most likely never give him verbal permission to touch or hug him. Or at least not for a very, very long time. Gon wasn't entirely sure why that was. His instincts told him it wasn't quite as simple as Killua just not wanting to be touched period, but instincts were a vague thing and gave Gon no insight about what else could play into the issue.

To further the problem, Killua had given him explicit permission (as explicit as would ever come from Killua at least) to help him be as normal as can be. As far as Gon was concerned, that consisted mainly of healing Killua's inner injuries.

It got even more confusing from there though, because Killua was sending mixed signals. Up until last night, he had never actually said that he didn't want Gon to touch him, only ever giving excuses to evade giving a straight answer. For most people, that would be a clearly communicated ‘no’. But Gon had forgotten to take Killua's peculiarities into consideration. Rather than giving straight answers, Killua had always preferred to dance around an issue. He was just as good at finding reasons to not do something he didn't want to do as he was at finding reasons to not do something he actually did want to do. And usually, Gon was pretty good at figuring out which train Killua was on. If he acted bored, annoyed or angry when giving excuses, Killua’s reasonings reflected his wants. When he was sad, looked away, or stumbled over his own words, Killua was justifying the opposite of what he actually wanted. But the way Killua bristled and hollered and looked like he was about to bolt (and in one case actually did bolt) was new territory and Gon didn't know how to interpret it. It felt like Killua was saying yes and no at the same time. Which made last night the pinnacle of confusion, because for the first time, Killua had given him a clear ‘no’. He had taken his time to contemplate the request and made a decision based only on his wants. No excuses, no deflecting, no running away. But then Gon had pressed the issue and the way Killua had said his name to shut Gon down had sounded very much like he was trying to say something else. Like he was asking Gon, begging really, to look beyond the words, beyond the surface, and understand what Killua actually wanted. Probably because - Gon was beginning to suspect - Killua himself didn't quite understand what he actually wanted.

It was dangerous territory to wander into. Clear consent, communication and respect of someone's autonomy was and always had been important to Gon. He was always careful to let people know what his decision was and left it up to them to decide how they were going to respond to it. Gon had not told Leorio to get up and keep running when he had temporarily collapsed during the first Hunter Exam. He had simply waited patiently for Leorio to make the decision himself, even if Gon knew he wouldn't give up so easily. Gon had wanted to continue fighting Netero on the airship. Killua had been free to join him or leave as he saw fit. Gon had never straight up told Kurapika to stop hunting the spiders, only that he thought it would be better if he stopped. What Kurapika made of Gon's opinion was up to him and no one else. It's why Illumi’s endless attempts to manipulate Killua made Gon so irrationally angry. Because he was taking away Killua's agency, his autonomy, and coerced him into doing things Killua clearly never consented to. And yet… If Gon was right and Killua was asking him to understand him better than he understood himself, then one wrong move, one wrong assumption to act upon, and Gon would be doing exactly what Illumi had been doing throughout all of Killua's life. If there was any difference at all, it was that Gon had had that conversation with Killua all the way back in Tobons. Once Killua had gotten to the point where he no longer associated touch with Trauma, Gon was more than happy to never touch him again if he didn’t want to. But like Killua had said; until truly understood all that touch had to offer there wasn’t really much of a choice for him to make. Gon had to do it, whether he wanted to or not

Gon would not be able to find the answer to the question ‘is it more important for Killua to heal, or to not be touched when he says no?’ anytime soon, if ever at all. But here he was, rolling around on the floor in his room while Killua was out training Alluka, needing to decide his course of action despite it all. What was Gon to do? What was the right answer? His instinct screamed ‘heal him’ but his reasoning screamed ‘respect his words’. Gon pondered about it for a long time before he finally decided to go with his gut feeling. Not because he was sure that it was the correct answer, but because the last time he had ignored it and listened to reason, it had nearly gotten him, Killua and Alluka killed.

Which led Gon to the next problem - or rather, back to the last problem; what on earth was Gon supposed to actually do. Asking wasn't going to work. Neither was hugging or touching Killua out of seemingly nowhere. But… what if it wasn't out of seemingly nowhere? Killua's reactions to Gon asking had been very different depending on different factors. Coming entirely out of the blue had caused a panicked blow up. Asking when someone else was around resulted in petulance and indignation. Asking when on the topic already resulted in running away. The best reaction Gon had gotten was when it had only been the two of them and Killua had been happy in a calm and peaceful way with nothing to worry about. That kind of mood probably made him more receptive to things that were a bit outside of his comfort zone. If Gon tried acting rather than asking in such moments, he might finally end up getting somewhere.

He could only hope he wouldn't regret this.

Swimming lessons were a much needed reprieve. In between the conundrum with Killua and the conundrum with Nanika, Gon hadn't thought he could stay anywhere near Killua without getting poked and prodded while Alluka trained with her ribbon. So he had booked into the forest, where he had spent that hour and a half fishing. The problem with fishing was that he was surrounded by silence and while Gon was far from being an overthinker, that detached feeling of helplessness when he could do little more than to wait for things to happen did still settle into his bones.

Exercise should help with that. And also watching Killua stubbornly picking fights with the ocean. He still did that every once in a while to release his frustrations when a particularly big wave managed to make him tumble and Gon had to go pick him out of the ocean again. Did this count as touch? Gon somehow doubted it.

“One more try!” Killua huffed, grabbed his stone and marched right back into the ocean.

Alluka was trying the same, but her progress was much slower. She had finally trained up enough strength to pick the boulder up today, but only managed to or three steps before she had to put it down again. Killua managed five diving attempts by the time she managed to reach the very edge of the sea. Well, progress was progress, however small it may be.

The next attempt was something of a breakthrough for Kilkua, though. For the first time, he managed to trek along the ocean floor, all the way to the rock Gon had pointed him to and back. It was a close thing and Killua's head broke the water panting as if one more second underwater would have drowned him for good. Chances are, it might have. Killua was struggling with these exercises and depending on how well he was bracing the waves, the trek could've used up a lot more oxygen than Gon had anticipated.

Of course, the first wave after he broke the surface pulled him back under and just in case Killua hadn't been able to regain his breath, Gon dove back into the water and pulled him out. Killua didn't even bitch this time, hanging like a sack of potatoes under Gon's arms.

“This is hard,” he panted after lying on the sand for a few minutes. “You're a slave driver, Gon, you know that? Your training could give even Bisky a run for her money. Shit man, I can’t move a single muscle.”

“That's fine,” Gon sat down on the sand next to Killua. “You can rest. You did well today.”

“Heh!” Killua smirked at that. “I was pretty good wasn't I? Showed those waves who's boss. YOU HEAR THAT, OCEAN?”

He cackled maniacally and flipped the finger at the sea. Gon had to chuckle at that. Killua could be so silly sometimes.

“How's Alluka doing?” He asked after a few moments of peaceful silence.

“About knee deep in the ocean. Don't worry about her drowning, I've got my eye on her.”

“Hmmm.. Yeah. You're reliable like that.”

A big fat smile found its way onto Gon's face at the compliment, entirely unprompted. He found himself entranced by the boy lying next to him. The way his alabaster skin shimmered in the sunlight, his chest gently rose and fell with every breath and the last drops of saltwater ran down his neck. Killua was beautiful. Gon had thought that many times and would surely continue to think it many more times. He was beautiful in so many different ways. Most of the time, he was gracefully beautiful. On days like yesterday, he was dangerously beautiful. Right now, he was artistically beautiful, like a statue sculpted by that one famous artist… What was his name again? Michello? Something like that.

More importantly though, he was relaxed, eyes closed a soft smile on his face as he bathed in the sun as well as his accomplishments. And with how often Gon had to carry Killua out of the waves during their swimming lessons meant he was already primes to be embraced. Maybe, just maybe, Killua would allow him to touch him today. But he couldn't do it entirely out of the blue, or Killua would throw him to the other side of the ocean this time.

“Hey Killua?” Gon therefore started

“Hmm?”

Gon didn't answer, just waited for Killua to open his eyes and look at him. When he finally did several seconds later, Gon lifted a hand so Killua could see before attempting to run it through his hair. Killua's reaction came and went so fast, Gon barely caught it before Killua grabbed Gon's wrist and pulled both of them to their feet.

“Race you to the rock!” He grinned and ran off.

“Hey no fair! That's cheating!” Gon yelled, taking off after Killua.

It had been a split second thing, but Gon had caught Killua's reaction. It was a tiny little widening of the eyes as he realized what Gon was about to do, a few small darts of his pupil as he tried to decide how he was going to react, and finally a clenching of lips as he made a decision he didn't seem entirely happy with. Gon decided to file that away for the moment and take it apart another day.

Killua switched up their combat training the following day. Alluka was still to be on the defensive, but now instead of guarding against Killua's attacks, she had to guard against Gon. Gon on the other hand, was to focus on correct stance and correct punch technique while trying to get a hit on Alluka. Meanwhile, Killua was sitting on the side, constantly correcting both of them.

“You're opening up too much Gon, keep your guard up even when you're punching or you'll leave yourself open to a counter.”

“Back on your feet, Alluka. Gon's punches pack a bit more power than mine, so they'll break your guard once in a while no matter what you do. Make sure to recover fast.”

“Keep your legs spread, Gon, or your punches will have less impact."

“Stay low, Alluka! Don't forget you're harder to knock over if your center of gravity is low”

The pace was relentless. Killua would not let up, would not allow them to lose form for even a second, would not give them a minute to breathe. Yesterday, he had called Gon a slave driver, but Gon was seriously contemplating telling Killua to take a long hard look in the mirror.

Reprieve only came when Alluka’s legs gave way and she collapsed onto the floor, practically bathing in sweat. Gon would have to take her to zetsu practice after this, too. Would she survive?

“Catch your breath, Alluka” Killua said, helping his little sister lean against a tree. “Alright Gon, you're on the defensive against me. From here on out, evading is also allowed.”

“Finally!” Gon cheered.

Gon was good at evading. He had sharp reflexes, good instincts, and killer speed. If he was allowed to dodge, not even Killua should be able to get the better of him that easily. Thus, Gon eagerly took a fighting stance and found himself on the ground a half a minute later.

“Did you already forget everything I taught you?” Killua looked down at him. “You can't evade what you can't see coming. So always keep your guard up.”

Crap, he had forgotten about that. So focused on dodging that guarding and blocking had entirely slipped his mind. With an annoyed sigh, Gon got back on his feet. Looks like this spelled yet another set of days of getting trashed several times over.

The following two days were the first since Alluka’s training proper began during which nothing of note happened. That didn't mean that no improvement happened, just no major breakthroughs. Gon didn't find any openings to try and hug Killua. Alluka had been given the instructions to focus on getting acquainted with the feel of her Aura for Nen training while Gon tried and failed to come to terms with the fact that he would have to face Nanika. Killua managed another round in the ocean while Alluka managed four to five steps with that boulder before needing a break. She also managed to spar with Gon a bit longer before needing a break. And Gon managed to get trashed three times less after Killua took her place. She also got more comfortable weaving her way through the bushes silently, needing less and less focus to do so. So yes, things were coming along. But it wasn't until the day after that that another noteworthy breakthrough happened. Once again, it was swimming lessons, though Alluka was the one who hit a milestone this time. That being that she actually managed to carry that boulder all the way into the sea until she was submerged. Gon immediately ignored Killua when he saw that (he'd managed that trek back and forth twice already and was in the middle of his third successful attempt), he'd be fine) and dove next to Alluka instead. That boulder was still heavy for her and the waves on that beach were vicious, so yes, he was worried.

She wasn't doing too bad underwater though. Far from understanding the waves, she wasn't making any real forward momentum, but she also wasn't getting knocked around the way Killua had on his first 25 or so attempts. No, she was just holding on tight to that boulder and stayed in place until she ran out of breath and had to resurface. Of course, that was when a wave came and knocked her back under and Gon did have to fish her out again, but that was no issue.

“You did great Alluka”, Gon beamed. “Much better than your brother on his first try.”

Alluka gave him a weak smile when he put her down on the sand.

“I see why onii-chan is always so pooped after this. Those waves really take everything out of you.”

Yeah, waves were a difficult thing. But Killua and Alluka were learning, however slowly. And next time they'd enter normal waters, swimming in them would feel like child's play by comparison.

“Ready to try again?” Gon asked.

Alluka took a big breath and nodded, so Gon hopped back into the water and retrieved her boulder from her. She managed two more times before her strength finally gave up on her. She was so dead that Gon ended up carrying her home. She fell asleep on his back. The reason he did that instead of Killua was that Killua was also dead. He was swaying on the way home, but refused every offer of Gon’s to be carried as well. So Gon tried something else instead; He gently nudged Killua to alert him that he was about to do something, then gently slid his hands into his. As Gon hoped, Killua was too tired to properly react. He just opened his eyes a little wider, frowned at their conjoined hands for a few seconds, then closed them entirely and allowed Gon to lead him all the way back home.

It barely counted as a win, but Gon’s cheeks were hurting anyway, that’s how widely he was smiling.

Days left until departure: 14

Chapter Text

Alluka had one hell of a breakthrough in her next Zetsu training session. Her body had become used to moving swiftly and silently, no more effort and brain power was needed to weave through the trees. It was slowly but surely turning into intuition. Which meant that she had bandwidth for other things. Her eyes were consistently trained on the two deercat and her focus went to things like keeping her breathing under control and keeping her mind still and clear. Halfway through, Gon realized that once in a while, he felt like he had lost sight of her despite the fact that when he turned around, she was right behind him. So he used Gyo on his eyes to check on her Aura and yep… it was barely noticeable. Had retreated back into her body to the point where she could almost be considered to be using Zetsu.

Gon would be lying if he said that he didn’t feel a little conflicted about this. On the one hand, Alluka was making incredible strides and controlling her Aura like this, even if only intuitively, was something to celebrate. And the biggest part of Gon felt happy for her, truly. But there was that itty bitty little corner of his mind that dreaded what that would mean. Namely that he could no longer procrastinate confronting Nanika. Not if he wanted her and Alluka to get through the Hunter Exam safely. His heart squeezed uncomfortably at the very thought of it, but Gon shoved the feeling aside. Right now, what mattered most was to fulfill his promise to Alluka.

Gon wasted no time and swooped Alluka into his arms. Her delighted shriek had startled the two deercats at first, but as the shriek turned to laughter, they relaxed and hopped to join Alluka in having Gon carry them. Sen sat on his shoulder while San draped himself over Gon’s head. They must’ve been quite a sight when they exited the forest, if Aunt Mito’s laughing fit was anything to go by.

“Can’t you two not be all over each over for just a single fucking day?” Killua scowled.

“Nope”, Alluka grinned with a pop of the ‘p’.

“I promised her hugs when she succeeds in an exercise”, Gon explained matter-of-factly. “She succeeded in using Zetsu, so she gets hugs.”

Alluka made a highly pleased sound and snuggled further into the crook of Gon’s neck.

“Wait, she did?” Killua perked up.

“Yep. I almost lost her a few times during our hunt today.”

“I was right behind you, Gon-nii!” Alluka giggled.

“Incredible”, Killua breathed. “I always knew you were talented, but I didn’t actually think you’d be able to get this far in a half a month.”

The smile on Alluka’s face grew even wider and she let go of Gon to reach for Killua instead, who threw her into the air like she weighed less than a feather. The deercat were startled enough by that to hop off Gon and curl around Aunt Mito’s feet instead. Tomorrow, Gon would have to face Nanika and the anxiety thrumming under his skin was distracting enough for him to be unable to listen to his instincts and know whether he was in danger or not. But tonight, Killua and Alluka and Aunt Mito were laughing and Gon’s world was peaceful and he closed his eyes and listened to all the sounds of joy and happiness.

“We need to start working with Nanika.” Gon declared.

It was maybe a bit too cold of an open, but Gon was never one for awkward silences or beating around the bush, and so he started the conversation with the first thing that came to mind. Even if it made Alluka look like she had just bitten into a lemon.

“I told you, she doesn’t want to come out,” she said.

“And if you just wish for things from me? Won’t that force her out?” Gon asked.

“It doesn’t work like that.”

“Then how does it work?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why not?”

“Because I bonded with Nanika when I was barely a toddler! You think I was capable of understanding all the nuances of our relationship back then?”

She had a point. She had a point, but Gon didn’t like it one bit. She was picking up on his tension and it was putting her on edge as well and he was on edge because he didn’t know what to expect when or if he saw Nanika again but they were running out of time and Gon had to do something even if he had no idea what!

“Why are you asking anyway?” Alluka mumbled. “You don’t even want to see her.”

Gon sighed. He should have expected that.

“Is it that obvious?” He asked.

Alluka nodded. “You really, really suck at hiding your emotions, you know.”

“Yeah, I know.” The words came out as a groan. “But we’re kind of stuck if we can’t get her to cooperate somehow. Besides … I still love her. I want to see her much, much more than I don’t want to see her. Even if she scares me, I still want to make up with her.”

Something about this made Alluka snap up. Her eyes were wide and shiny and full of conflicting emotions that Gon could barely pick apart. She looked so much like her brother at that moment, it was downright uncanny. How often had Killua looked at him with that exact same expression?

“Really?” Alluka asked. “Are you really scared of Nanika?”

Gon nodded.

“What about me? Are you scared of me, too?” Alluka asked again.

“A little,” Gon admitted.

Alluka’s fingers fisted into her hakama and she looked like she was on the verge of tears. Little needles pricked into Gon’s heart at the sight. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so bluntly honest with her.
“Onii-chan keeps saying that he’s not. That he loves us wholeheartedly. That it’s not our fault. That he could never, ever, be scared of us. He keeps telling me that, no matter how often I ask him.”

She clenched her hands tighter into her hakama as the first tears fell from her eyes. Gon waited patiently for her to finish, calmed by the knowledge that he had said the right words.

“Onii-chan is a big, fat liar!” Alluka grit out.

Right. What was it that Killua had said to him? I’m terrified of my own sister. Every time I see her, I want to run for the hills, as far away from her as I can get. Yet he smiled into Alluka’s face and told her the exact opposite. Sometimes, Gon couldn’t decide if Killua was the most amazing person on earth, or the biggest idiot on earth.

“You’re right,” Gon smiled softly. “Killua does lie a lot.”

To everyone but Gon, probably. Including himself.

“Does he think we’re stupid?” Alluka continued. “Does he think we wouldn’t be able to tell? After everything our family did to us? All the ways they lied to us?”

“You know that’s not it”, Gon whispered.

“Then what? Does he think telling me pretty lies like that will make it all just go away? Make it so that none of it ever happened, that we didn’t nearly kill the two of you? Is that it?”

Gon shook his head. “No. That’s not it either and you know that.”

“Then does he say that because he thinks that’s what we want to hear? That’s it, isn’t it? He just decided what we want or what’s best for us without even asking like he always does. He thinks he knows so much better, but he doesn’t! He doesn’t know anything!!!”

Gon couldn’t refute that. Because knowing Killua, she was almost certainly right on the money. Killua had a habit of doing that; deciding things about other people all by himself, deciding what they thought, what they wanted, what they needed. Not unlike what his family had done to him. But then, it wasn’t that simple, was it? If Gon took everything he had come to realize about Killua into consideration, then another part of it was probably that Killua genuinely believed what he said. That it was his fault things had escalated, not Alluka’s. Because Killua had a habit of blaming himself, too. Just like Alluka did right now. All his stupid, beloved friends thinking all those stupid, beloved thoughts.

“Tell me what you want, then,” Gon said softly.

Alluka looked at him with those big blue eyes of hers that reminded her so much of Killua sometimes. Sometimes, but not right now. Right now, her sorrow was entirely her own and the blue of her eyes a shade he’d never seen before in Killua’s. This was Alluka growing up. This was her, taking another step towards becoming her own person.

“Tell us the truth!” She demanded. “Tell us that it was our fault!That we’re the ones in the wrong! Even if we did it by accident, we still lost control, we still almost killed you. We want you to stop glossing over that!”

This again. It grated on Gon so, so

much. Why couldn’t people ever think of anything else?

“Why are you all so obsessed with that?” He growled.

“Huh?”

“You want the truth, Alluka?” Gon barked. “The truth is, it doesn’t matter who’s fault it is, or who’s in the right and who’s in the wrong. Killua hurt all of us by ignoring every single warning. I hurt all of us the moment I decided I was going to fight you to the death. And you two hurt all of us when you tried to devour us. We all hurt each other and we all need to work to fix things and we all need to be better in the future. That’s what’s really important, so why are you all so fixated on trying to shoulder all of the blame?”

Alluka stared at Gon perplexed, eyes huge and wide. She had asked for the truth. She had obviously not expected to actually get it. Or at least, she had not expected the truth to be anything other than what she had determined it to be in her mind. Just like Killua. Just like Illumi. Zoldycks! They were starting to get on Gon’s nerves, the whole lot of them!

“What else do you want?” Gon asked again.

“I … I …”

Alluka needed a moment to gather herself after Gon’s little outburst. Gon waited patiently, if still a little peeved.

“I … I know you just said it’s not important but … we want to be allowed to take on the blame for what we did. We want to own up to it. We can’t fix anything and we can’t do better if we keep being told that we did nothing wrong.”

“Alright,” Gon answered. “You did wrong.

“Yes”, Alluka choked. “We know.”

“You almost devoured Killua and me.”

“Yeah …”

“It was terrifying and we’re still reeling from that.”

“Mhm mm …” Alluka was so choked up, she could barely get a tone out.

“So? How do you plan to fix it?”

“We … don’t know.”

“You could start with an apology,” Gon suggested.

Alluka swallowed heavily, willing to gain control of her tears. It took her a few moments.

“Of course,” she said, voice still thick. “We’re sorry. We didn’t want to hurt you, but we did. We hurt you and scared you so badly that you still tremble sometimes when you look at us and we’re so, so sorry. We don’t ever want to let that happen again.”

An exemplary apology, but Gon wasn’t done.

“Apology accepted,” he said, “but only from you. Nanika will have to apologize herself.”

“But I told you she doesn’t -” Alluka started before Gon interrupted her.

“Owning up to your mistakes means you have to stop hiding away from them,” he scolded. “Nanika, this is directed at you. I know you can hear me. If you want to make amends and fix things, you have to stop hiding behind Alluka and come out and face us.”

Alluka’s lips wobbled, but there was no change in her face. No deep black voids that took the place of bright blue eyes, no black bean shape replacing glossy, pink lips.

“She’s scared”, Alluka said quietly after a few moments.

“Of me?” Gon asked.

“That too. She’s scared of what you might do if you saw her again. But … having you attack or kill us isn’t the scariest possibility, even if we react to that the most. You know, survival instincts and all that.”
“Then what is it that scares her so much?”

Alluka fell silent again and Gon could do nothing but wait until she was ready to answer.

“It’s that … you’ll look at her and force a smile when you actually just want to look away.”

Ah. Gon thought he could maybe understand that. It already hurt enough to know someone you loved was terrified of you. It would hurt even more to know they loved you so much, they didn’t want you to know it.

“What does she want me to do instead, then?” Gon asked.

“She wants you to be mad at us. She wants to be yelled at and scolded for the horrible thing she's done. She wants you to stay as far away from us as possible so that we could never hurt you again.”

Gon understood that one even more. Right now, Nanika was a scared little child, terrified of something her own capabilities because she didn’t understand them. Like he had been when returned to Whale Island. Like he still was.

“I’m not going to do any of that,” Gon said, voice low but firm. “And I don’t think she really wants that, either. I want to see her. I want to talk to her. Even if I’m scared. Even if I want to run away. No, it’s because I’m scared that I want to do that. I want to get to know her. I want to come to understand her. I want us to get over our fear of each other together. That’s why I won’t stay away and that’s why I’ll smile a half-fake smile at her. So Nanika,” Gon gently cupped Alluka’s face and tried his best to look past her eyes into the terrified little monster hiding within her, “won’t you please come out and smile at me, too?”

Nanika finally responded, but what took over Alluka’s face were not the three deep voids Gon was used to. Instead, Nanika’s eyes were more reminiscent of two circles of frantic scribbles drawn in with deep black charcoal. Even her mouth, turned down into a wobbly drown, had lost its void-like quality and looked more like a solid surface. The tears running down her face were very much familiar though, even if Gon couldn’t make out where exactly they originated from. She felt so different from the Nanika he was used to, the Nanika that had almost killed him and that he had almost killed in return, that any and all survival instincts he might have experienced otherwise, stayed dormant.

“Long time no see”, Gon smiled.

“Don’t … smile”, Nanika said. “Nanika … did … bad.”

“Yeah, you did bad. But I did bad, too.” Gon continued to smile.

Nanika shook her head furiously. “So … rry.”

“Yeah … me too.”

“I’m … sorry,” she said again, a little louder.

“I know. I know.”

“I’m sorry!” She said once more, this time with a sob.

“I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry I lost control. I’m sorry I scared you. I’m sorry I took so long to reach out to you. Can you forgive me?”

He held out his arms, inviting Nanika to fall into them the way he knew Alluka loved doing so much. He never actually thought she would take it.

“Gon-nii!” she cried, jumping into his arms with a sob and a new slew of tears, wrapping her arms around him and holding him tight like she’d fall through the ground if she let go.

Gon held her just as tight and whispered reassurances at her for every apology she sobbed into his chest. His head was barely able to comprehend what she had just called him. Somewhere during their year apart, Nanika had started calling Killua ‘onii-chan’ just like Alluka did. But even long after Gon had won Alluka over and she had started calling him ‘Gon-nii’, Nanika had never followed suit. He had always stayed just ‘Gon’ to her. Until just now. He had finally earned Nanika’s love and affection enough for her to consider him someone she loved and cared for. He’d be damned if he ever let go of that again.

Killua immediately knew something was up when Gon and Alluka emerged from the forest. Of course he did, Killua was smart and perceptive, and Alluka clinging to Gon’s arm and resolutely looking at the ground was a definite tell.

Also, Gon was capable of reading Killua’s emotions like an open book.

So it came as no surprise when Killua did not wave them over, tease them a little, then get all huffy over Gon and Alluka ganging up on him before dragging Alluka at him, the way he usually would. Instead, he stayed where he stood, waiting with purposeful ease for them to come to him.

“What’s up?” He asked when they stopped in front of him.

“There’s someone who wants to say something to you,” Gon answered, looking down at Alluka.

She gripped his arm tighter as a response and pressed her face into his back. Killua raised an eyebrow at that, eyes flitting to Gon. He gave him a reassuring grin.

“Alluka?” Killua inquired.

Alluka shook her head against Gon’s back and when she looked up again, there was Nanika looking up at the two of them instead, eyes two wide black voids. The sight made Gon tense up a little bit, but he kept his fear under control as best he could.

Not as well as Killua, though. If he was feeling any fear at all, he wasn’t showing it, his face a perfect mask of neutrality.

“Onii-chan?” Nanika asked hesitantly.

As if the word had activated a switch, Killua stepped forward and wrapped Nanika up in a tight hug.

“Where have you been?” He asked, his voice cracking. “You can’t just disappear like that, Nanika. Don’t you know how worried I get?”

“I’m sor … ry,” Nanika said.

“No, don’t apologize!” Killua pulled back and cupped Nanika’s face. “You have nothing to apologize for, you hear me? You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who screwed up, I’m the one who -”

“Onii-chan!” Nanika interrupted. Killua shut his mouth. “I’m … sorry.”

“Nanika …”

Killua’s eyes turned unbearably soft and also somehow unbearably sad. It wasn’t a look Gon got to see very often. If he did, it was always directed towards one of his sisters.

“I want … to fix,” Nanika said, reaching out to touch just beneath Killua’s eye.

“Fix?” Killua blinked. “Fix what?”

“Onii-chan’s … fear.”

Killua's eyes went wide when he realized what Nanika was talking about. Then his eyes went soft and sad again, that same look from just a moment ago. But something was different. Gon couldn't put his finger on what it was, but this look felt a lot more controlled. Calculated almost. How often did he look at Alluka and Nanika like that? No wonder Alluka was getting fed up with him.

“Nanika, listen to me,” Killua started, his voice somehow gentle and firm at the same time. “I'm not afraid of you. Do you hear me? You're just as much my sister as Alluka is. I love you too much to ever be scared of you.”

Lies. Killua was very good at telling them. Gon was pretty sure that most people would have believed these words said with that expression and that tone. But Gon and Nanika were not most people and Gon could smell any lies Killua spewed from a mile away. Killua was terrified. Even now, leaning into Nanika's space in hopes of reassuring her, Gon could smell the scent of fear wafting off of him.

Nanika obviously didn't buy it either. Of course she didn't, Alluka had just straight up told him as much. The voids that were her eyes turned into scribbles again, a singular tear somehow coming out of them. Gon still couldn't tell where they came from exactly. Killua noticed immediately he had messed up somehow and began to flail, but before he could say anything, Nanika spoke again.

“I'm so… rry,” she said.

And then she was gone, a despondent looking Alluka having taken her place. She didn't say a single word, just looked stubbornly at the ground in front of her.

“Alluka?” Killua said quietly.

She didn't respond. Didn't even grace Killua with a look. She just walked past him, eyes still trained on the ground.

Killua lowered his face, obviously trying to use the wild mop that was his hair to hide his eyes. The wobble of his mouth gave him away anyway, as per usual. He was trying to get his emotions under control. What emotions those were, Gon couldn’t tell. Confusion, maybe. Probably some self-loathing, if what he had learned about Killua in the last weeks accounted for anything.

“I can’t believe you managed to get her out of her shell, only for me to drive her back in,” Killua finally said.

His tone had that particular type of sassy displeasure about it that he used for just about anything that bored him or that he didn’t want to admit affected him in one way or another. Gon knew exactly which one applied here.

“How’d you do it?” Killua spoke again.

“Do what?”

“Get Nanika to come out. I’ve been trying since the day we woke up.”

Gon shrugged. “I was honest with her. That’s all.”

Killua’s eyes snapped to him, narrowing in that familiar way that said that he had no idea what Gon was saying.

“Hisoka once told us that he thinks Transmuters are whimsical liars. Remember that?”

“What are you trying to say,” Killua snapped.

His eyes narrowed even more. He was going on the defensive, not something he did very often with Gon. Not that Gon would be swayed by that in any way.

“That you’re a Transmuter through and through”, he answered lightly. “Try telling the truth once in a while, even if it seems harsh. Gets you further than you might think.”

Oooh, Killua didn’t like that. He didn’t like that one bit. He was bearing his teeth at Gon, and he never bared his teeth at Gon. But his Aura stayed even, so it was all bark and no bite. So Gon just stuck out his tongue at him defiantly and walked after Alluka. He had a feeling fundamentals training was canceled for today and he had two upset little sisters to soothe.

Aunt Mito let Gon cook on his own the following day. She did stay in the kitchen to supervise (and possibly intervene if Gon screwed up in some horrible way), but other than that, Gon was left to his own devices. He decided on trying the tomato sauce again. It had rained a little last night, making the tomatoes all cool and crisp. Perfect for cooking. A bit too perfect almost, Gon seriously contemplated if he didn’t want to make some sort of salad instead. If only the Zoldyck siblings had healthier taste.

“You’re getting the hang of using the knife correctly,” Aunt Mito commented.

“Yeah. It still feels a little awkward, but I think I’m starting to get why you were so insistent on it.”

He was looking at Mito while talking and that pretty much cemented the point. The flat of his fingers served as a natural barrier for the knife, allowing the cutting process to become automatic. He didn’t have to make sure his fingers accidentally ended up beneath the edge of the knife, nor did he have to measure how much to cut. Difficult to learn, yes, but the results spoke for themselves.

“I hope Alluka’s training is just as well. You don’t have a lot of time left, do you?”

“She’s making incredible progress. She’ll pass the exam with flying colors, no doubt about it.”

Aunt Mito let out a satisfied hum at that.

“What about Nanika? I thought I heard her briefly yesterday. Did she finally come back out?”

That brought a smile to Gon’s face. Because even though Nanika was upset after talking to Killua, Gon had had the easiest time cheering her up. A few headpats, lots praise about how much she had grown that she could put her foot down, many, many hugs, and she was back to smiling that lovely, eerie smile of hers.

“Yep.”Gon beamed. The tomatoes were all cut, so he filled up a pot with water and put it on the stove. “Killua screwed up a little with her, so she refuses to come out when he’s around, but she’ll work with me. You’ll never believe it; I’ve been upgraded to the same status Killua has. She comes out whenever I ask her to now. I’m pretty sure she’d obey my commands too if I asked her, but I’m with Killua on that one. I’m not gonna wish for anything she doesn’t want as well.”

“Will you let me talk to her sometime today then? I missed her too, I would love to say hello and give her some headpats.”

“Absolutely!”

Aunt Mito giggled, but Gon had started pureeing the tomatoes, so while he was dying to know what she found so amusing, he had to finish this little task first.

“It’s nothing, really”, Aunt Mito answered. “Just … I don’t think I’ve seen you this happy even once since you arrived here.”

“Yeah well, things were pretty crazy since before we even stepped foot into the house.”

Ging leaving, Gon finding out he had a mother who may or may not be human, Bisky setting Alluka passing the Hunter Exam as a condition and the crazy schedule that followed it, Nanika almost killing them, him almost killing Nanika, Gon’s revelations about Killua … it was a pretty eventful three weeks, all things considered. It had been a constant uphill battle against all sorts of uncertainties, against the Zoldyck siblings’ constantly overflowing emotions, and his own helplessness in the face of it all. But Nanika was back and smiling at him and Killua had allowed him to hold his hand and really, who cared what part of him was human or not, Gon was still Gon and his family loved him for all of it. Even if Killua was currently the only one who knew.

“But we’re all trying hard to fix things and we’re making progress, even if it’s slow,” Gon smiled.

It didn’t last long. Something changed in the air after Gon finished that sentence. It turned heavy. A little suffocating, even. Gon took the pot off the stove and turned to look at his Aunt. The look on her face was worrisome.

“Aunt Mito?” Gon nudged.

“Fix things, you say …”, she mumbled, seemingly more to herself than to Gon.

But then she did look at him and there was something achingly sad in her eyes. Gon thought maybe his eyes might’ve had that same look whenever he thought about Killua’s opinion of himself.
Heartbreak.

“In order to fix things, they need to have broken at some point."

Gon bit the inside of his cheek. His instincts were screaming at him to run. That he didn’t want to hear this. He stayed anyway.

“In order for things to break, they need to have been whole at some point.”

Gon’s heart was pounding in his chest. He had a feeling he knew where this was going. He didn’t like it one bit.

“What are you trying to say?” He asked quietly.

“Gon … when you were two years old, you were given to a thirteen year old child and a frail, nearly eighty year old woman. Your father never came back for you.

“When you were six, you could spend weeks in the woods by yourself and had already seen through any lies I’ve ever told you, including the one about Ging’s death.

“When you were twelve, you left the Island by yourself to take part in one of the deadliest exams in existence without any prior training. And you actually passed.

“When you were thirteen, you came home with a boy in tow whose fingers have been broken and mended so often, he can deform them at will and whose first instinct when faced with an injured animal is to kill it with his bare hands.

“You were fourteen when you next came home. You were alone and your face was hard and your smile was fake and you still won’t talk about what happened. I’d never heard of Nen before then and I can’t say I understand it now, but even I could tell that you’d lost something fundamental.

“You left again when you were fifteen and I don’t know what happened in that year you spent at home, but at some point, your smiles and snarls started to turn animalistic once in a while, feral even when you’re angry. Even with all your abilities and oddities, you’ve never scared me until the day I first saw you like that.

“You came back a few weeks later with that same boy and a girl who didn’t know how to do anything else but smile and say ‘yes’ to everything that was asked of her, housing a creature scarier than most people’s worst nightmares. Killua prostrated himself and begged me in tears to take her in and teach her how to be human.

“Soon after, Grandma Abe died and everyone in the village grieved. Everyone except for the three of you, who acted like it was just another day, and none of you were capable of understanding why everyone was upset with you.”

Gon frowned at the ground. He had never given any thought to whether or not his life was strange or not. Just like with his behavior, it always been somewhat obvious to him that different people led different lives with their own unique aspects and issues. But here was his Aunt, telling him to his face that such a thing as a ‘normal’ life existed and the life he was leading wasn’t it.. It was coming to understand that he wasn’t ‘normal’ all over again.

“Do you understand, Gon?” Aunt Mito continued. “Things have never been whole for you. They’ve never been whole for Alluka, Nanika and Killua either. And if nothing’s ever been whole, then there’s nothing that could break to begin with and nothing you can fix.”

That was … a somber thought. Another bombshell dropped. Another issue to try and work through. Gon suddenly felt very tired. Like he could sleep for months on end.

“If I can’t fix things, then … what do I do instead?” He asked.

Aunt Mito shrugged helplessly. “I’m not sure. Maybe try building something from scratch?”

Build something from scratch, huh? Gon didn’t know how to do that. He’d need to think about it. He didn’t want to think about it. He wanted to curl up into a ball and ignore the world around him. He turned back towards the stove and put the pot back on the fire. The pasta water had long since started boiling.

“So … your Aura,” Gon started.

Nanika tilted her head to the side.

“Can you control it?”

Nanika tilted her head to the other side.

Gon thought for a minute, trying to figure out how to best explain it.

“The power you use when you fulfill someone’s wish. Do you do that on purpose or is it just something that happens?”

“Pur… pose”, Nanika answered.

Great. Big sigh of relief. Gon wasn’t certain what he would’ve done if he had to teach Nanika to feel her Aura the same way he had with Alluka. Mostly because he was still scared shitless at the idea of Nanika going out of control.

“The power that you use is called Aura. Got it? Aura.”

“Au … ra,” Nanika parroted.

“Exactly. Very good.” Gon patted her head and Nanika cooed in delight.

“Aura! Aura!” She chirped.

“What do you do with your Aura when Alluka is out?”Gon continued. “Can you explain it to me?”

Nanika’s began weaving from side to side and her mouth turned into a frown. That must be what she looked like when she was thinking. How unique.

“Protect … Alluka,” She answered after several moments of contemplation.

Now Gon frowned as well. “Protect her from what?”

“Us.”

That answer came immediately, but it only served to further Gon’s confusion.

“Who is ‘us’,?” He continued to ask

“Nanika … and Alluka.”

That … was not what Gon had expected. He had thought maybe Nanika was more than one being. Or maybe that she was referring to whatever species she belonged to. But … to protect themselves from themselves?

“I’m not sure I understand,” Gon said, more to himself than to Nanika.

She answered anyway.

“Nanika … strong. But Alluka … stronger.”

So between the two of them, Alluka was the more powerful one? Gon wasn’t sure if he was surprised or not. Sure, Nanika was capable of performing literal miracles, but on the flipside, Alluka was hosting such a creature within her body and managed to coexist with her.

“Is something bad going to happen if Alluka opens her nodes?”

“Nodes?” Nanika tilted her head to the side again.

“The points from which the Aura flows out of the body.”

Nanika’s eyes lit up in immediate understanding. An odd thing to see, since Nanika’s eyes were just two black voids.

“Nothing … bad,” she said.

“Then are you just keeping her nodes closed so that she doesn’t accidentally power herself out?”

Nanika shook her head. Huh. This was becoming more and more of an enigma. But it also wasn’t that important to figure out right now. Gon decided to add that to the growing list of things to figure out another day.

“A few days ago, Alluka tried to open an Aura Node. Were you able to tell or feel it or something?”

Nanika did that weaving thing again for several moments. Gon gave her all the time she needed to think.

“Don’t … know …,” She finally answered.

“Let’s try it again then. Switch with Alluka and pay attention to what her Aura does, okay?”

Nanika nodded and a second or two later, Alluka was blinking up at him with her bright blue eyes. She tilted her head to the side exactly the same way Nanika had done just seconds earlier.

“Gon-nii?” She said.

“You’ve been practicing feeling your Aura?” He asked.

Alluka nodded dutifully.

“Then you should have no problem trying to open an Aura Node. Nanika’s still blocking you, so I don’t think you’ll succeed, but give it a try anyway.”

Alluka nodded and closed her eyes. She fell into the meditative trance needed at this stage easily, meaning she really had been practicing well. Good girl. Gon used Gyo on his eyes, just in case, but even when Alluka’s brows furrowed deeply, the flow of her Aura didn’t change.

“Still won’t open”, she said when she opened her eyes again.

“That’s fine,” Gon answered. “That’s what we’re trying to fix today. Nanika, come out.”

Blue eyes were replaced with black voids and then Nanika was sitting in front of him again.

“What’s the verdict?” Gon asked.

“Feel … Aura,” Nanika answered.

“Do you think you can allow Alluka to open the Nodes she’s trying to use?”

Nanika shook her head.

“Why not?”

“Can’t feel … which.”

Gon understood immediately. “You can’t feel it that precisely, huh?”

Nanika nodded, before tilting her head.

“Wish?” She chirped.

A wish, huh? That would definitely make it easy. But that would also somewhat defeat the point of all of this. Alluka and Nanika needed to learn how to control their Auras together, not have an outside force control it for them. So Gon shook his head and patted Nanika’s head to reassure her.

“I appreciate the offer, but I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Nanika tilted her head to the other side. So many head tilts today.

“How about this; when you notice Alluka trying to use her Aura, just drop your hold on her Nodes altogether. Leave your Aura in a neutral state. Can you do that?”

Nanika nodded enthusiastically and a few more headpats and another command from Gon, switched places with Alluka once again.

“Ready to give it one more try?”

Alluka nodded as well, thought a lot more nervously, closed her eyes and slipped back into her meditative state. It exactly as much time as Gon needed to activate Gyo in his eyes for the change to happen. At first, it was just a small fluctuation of Alluka’s Aura, but then Nanika probably felt the change and pulled back her protection.

The effect was instantaneous. Alluka’s eyes snapped open wide and she threw her head back with a desperate gasp. Gon managed to catch her before she fell to the ground. Her eyes stayed wide open, darting around rapidly, her breath came in quick, short bursts and her body was slack in Gon’s arms.

“Alluka! Alluka!” He cried.

No reaction. Gon didn’t understand what was happening. Alluka’s nodes weren’t wide open like when the initiation happened forcefully, her Aura wasn’t escaping uncontrolled, so why was she reacting this way? What was happening to her.

“Nanika!” Gon tried instead. “Nanika, help! Come out! Please!”

He had never seen the switch happen so fast. In a split second, Nanika’s wide blue eyes were gone and Nanika stared up at him instead. The gasping stopped and Gon immediately knew that Nanika had suppressed whatever was happening to Alluka.

“Are you okay?” He breathed.

Nanika nodded and pushed herself back into a sitting position.

“What was that? What just happened to Alluka?”

Alluka’s mouth turned into a frown, though her eyes stayed their usual black voids, and she shook her head gravely.

“You don’t know?” Gon asked.

“Alluka … strong …” Nanika answered.

It was easy enough to understand what Nanika was trying to say; Alluka was too strong for her own good. But in what ways that affected her exactly, she didn’t know. Only one way to find out, then.

“Is Alluka awake?” Gon asked.

Nanika nodded.

“Can I talk to her?”

Nanika closed her eyes and when they opened again, Alluka’s blue ones were looking up at him, this time a lot more teary and frightened.

“Gon-nii”, she choked.

“I’m here!” He answered immediately and pulled her into his arms. “Are you okay?”

Alluka nodded into his shirt.

“Can you tell me what happened?”

“I …. It was … I couldn’t …”, she was still frazzled obviously, struggling to string words together and Gon gently caressed her head to help her calm down.

“Deep breaths, Alluka”, Gon cooed.

She tried her best to obey, breathing in through her mouth and out through her nose in long, controlled breaths. Gon could feel her shoulders relaxing against him and her heartbeat calming down.

“I … could feel things,” Alluka started again after a few minutes.

“What things?” Gon asked.

“... everything.”

Everything? Everything what? What was that supposed to mean? How was he supposed to understand that?

As if sensing his confusion, Alluka pulled away to look at him instead.

“It was so much, Gon- nii. I can’t even make sense of it all. I could feel you in front of me and the trees surrounding us and the birds nesting in them and all the flowers we’re sitting in and all the insects in the ground and in the air and the bacteria living on our skin. It’s like I could feel every tiny living being at once, even the tiniest single cell organisms. I couldn’t handle it all, I needed to stop it but I couldn’t … I didn’t … It was too much.”

Every single living thing? That … yeah, that really was a lot. Gon couldn’t imagine. He was already getting tired once in a while when he was in a big bustling city and his sensitive ears and nose could pick up a nearly endless hullabaloo of noises and smells. Not just the people and the cars, but the subways underground and the planes in the sky and the many, many animals bustling through the streets. People were not the only animals living much more condensed within a city. If he had to experience the world around him in as much detail as Alluka was describing right there, he might just lose his mind altogether.

“So that’s what Nanika meant …” Gon thought out loud.

Hmm … that certainly made things more difficult. It wasn’t a dangerous condition per se, but …

“Do you think you could try again?” Gon asked.

Alluka flinched at that, which in turn made Gon cringe.

“Do I have to?” She asked.

“No,” Gon answered. “But if you don’t, then you’ll be relying on Nanika to keep you safe forever and you’ll never be able to use your own Nen.”

Alluka let out a very unhappy whine at that.

“I wish I could make this easier for you somehow”, Gon said quietly. “But the truth is, neither Killua nor I ever experienced anything like this. Master Wing and Bisky never mentioned anything either, so if I had to guess, I’d say this has to do with the fact that you’re a specialty type Nen user. They don’t get to choose their abilities, so feeling the life around you must be part of yours.”

That would also explain how she could do things like hearing the flowers sing. But then … What kind of ability could possibly need something like this to function? And how did it have anything to do with her and Nanika bonding? The more they learned about Alluka and Nanika, the less they seemed to understand.

“Promise you’ll call out Nanika the moment you notice it getting too much for me?”

“Pinky promise”, Gon grinned and held out his pinky.

She giggled at that and crossed her own pinky with his.

“Sealed with a kiss!” They chimed.

“Okay, now pay close attention”, Gon went serious again. “This is where your Zetsu training comes into play. Can you recall the state of mind you’re in when you’re hunting with me? The way it feels when you’re that highly focused on disappearing?”

Alluka nodded hesitantly.

“When you’re in that state, you’re instinctively using Zetsu. As in, you’re closing all your Nodes tightly so that no Aura can escape. That’s what you’re going to do now. First, you’re going to close off all your nodes tightly. Nanika will probably notice you working your Aura and release her hold on you. Then, you’ll try and open a single node again like you’ve been doing so far, but without letting go of your Zetsu on all the other nodes. Got it?”

Alluka nodded again, but not before swallowing hesitantly this time. It was a big ask and the sheer amount of information that was probably about to enter her brain was scary and overwhelming no doubt and Gon just kept adding more and more on top of that. So he let the back of his hand gently wash over her cheek in hopes it would reassure a bit. Let her know that he was there for her, come what may.

“You’re such a brave girl,” he cooed. “And strong. And talented. I know you can do this.”

A wobbly smile found its way to Alluka’s lips and she nodded again, a bit less hesitantly this time. Then she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

She did not slip into Zetsu as easily as she did into Ten, but that was to be expected. Gon had spent all these weeks teaching her how to use Ten on purpose after all, while Zetsu had only ever been a side product of different exercises. Gon used Gyo on his eyes again to track her Aura and then waited patiently for it to slowly but surely disappear. It took a few minutes, but she got there eventually.

“Alright”, Gon said, as quietly as he could without whispering. “You’re ready. Hold this state while opening a single Aura Node.”

The attempt was … a complete failure. Alluka’s hold on her Zetsu vanished the moment her brows furrowed the tiniest bit and her Nodes reverted back to their natural half open state. Which meant Alluka’s was bombarded by her own senses again and shut down the same way she had earlier. Gon called Nanika out immediately.

“That could have gone a lot better”, he sighed when Nanika stared up at him with her big black eyes.

They repeated the attempt four more times. By the fourth time, Alluka managed to hold her Zetsu for about five minutes before exhaustion gave way and she passed out into Gon’s arms.

Now then … how was he going to explain this to Killua?

Days left until departure: 10

Chapter Text

Killua’s mood was nothing short of awful and not even the giant parfait he was currently going to town on managed to lift it back up. Gon really wasn’t surprised about that. Things had already been a little frosty since Killua had made Nanika cry the other day, but then Alluka had told him that she was going to be putting their schedule on hold to focus on Nen training. Also understandable, Nen training was currently extremely taxing on her. She had slept through most of the day and night yesterday, only awake for maybe three hours in between when Aunt Mito had woken her up for lunch. Today, she had lasted for about a half an hour of training before exhaustion took over and she passed out again.

It suited Gon just fine, to be honest. He and Killua had spent barely any actual time with each other in the last few weeks outside of training. Gon saw Killua every day, talked to him every day, but somehow, he still missed him. He missed bantering with him and playing with him and spending hours in the same space doing different things and more than anything, he missed being able to give Killua his full, undivided attention for as long as he pleased. So Gon was more than happy to have an afternoon off to spend with Killua in town while Alluka was sleeping, even if he was sulking nonstop.

“What?” He snapped when Gon smiled dopily at him for a little too long.

“Nothing,” Gon grinned.

Killua narrowed his eyes at him. “Weirdo.”

That one word drove an even dopier laugh out of Gon and Killua made that disgusted face he sometimes did when Hisoka looked at them the way Killua looked at his chocolate robots. He dove back into his parfait with focus, as if he had decided that Gon was being too weird for him to deal with right now. Which … fair.

“Killua”, Gon started when the boy in question finished his dessert, “you have ice cream on your face.”

Killua blinked at him, before darting his tongue over his lip. It didn’t quite reach, but the quick motion left Gon wishing he could lick the ice cream on Killua’s face away instead. Alas, if he tried that, Gon would probably wander around with a broken nose for the next month or so. If he got off easy.

“Nope,” Gon said instead and slowly reached out to wipe the corner of Killua’s mouth himself.

There it was again; that one split second where Killua’s eyes widened and darted around a little, before he slapped Gon’s hand away and wiped his mouth himself. He looked a little annoyed, though Gon couldn’t tell what about exactly. At that moment, he decided that he would use today to try and touch Killua as often as he possibly could. To see if Killua would react like this every time. It was … different from what Gon had been given so far and he wasn’t quite sure what to make of it yet.

“Give me your hands,” Gon said, holding out his own for Killua to take.

Killua bristled at that, though not nearly as much as the last time Gon had asked that.

“This again?” Killua asked. “You’re running out of ideas.”

So Killua had noticed that Gon was working on something. Well, that was to be expected. Gon hadn’t exactly been subtle in his experiments and Killua knew Gon just as well as Gon knew Killua. Though Killua seemed to have a much harder time reading Gon - or at least understanding him - so he doubted that Killua had figured out what he was up to exactly.

“Why do you want to hold my hands so badly?” Killua grumbled.

“Because you’re in a bad mood,” Gon answered, purposefully ignoring what Killua was actually asking, “and I’m gonna send some positive energy your way.”

“I’m amazed you even noticed that,” Killua continued to grumble.

A fair observation. As moody as he was, Killua was pretty much always snarky in some way or another, so he didn’t seem that much different at first glance when his mood was actually down. To Gon however, the difference was night and day.

“Of course I’d notice,” Gon beamed. “It’s Killua after all!”

And Gon would always, always, notice every little thing about Killua. If not consciously, then instinctively.

“That doesn’t even make any sense,” Killua scowled, but the pleased blush spreading across his cheeks gave him away.

“Come on,” Gon pushed, wriggling his hands.

Killua directed his scowl at them.

“I don’t think it works that way,” he said.

“It’s either that or you talk to me about it,” Gon grinned.

A clever idea, if Gon may say so himself. He was going to gloat about this one for a while. Killu would rather bite off his own tongue than to ever talk about his feelings or problems. He kept to himself like that. Not that it mattered because Gon could almost always tell what Killua was feeling anyway, but it would be nice to have insights into the thoughts accompanying those feelings once in a while. Especially because Killua had a habit of thinking stupid thoughts. How such a smart person was capable of that would always be beyond Gon. Just like why someone would have such an issue opening up, even to their best friend. It bothered Gon sometimes, but right now, he was glad that Killua was like that. It meant that there was no way he would ever choose the second option, which in turn meant -

“So … uhm … about Alluka …”

Gon’s jaw dropped to the floor.

“Waitwaitwaitwait!” He blurted. “You’re actually gonna talk about it? For real?”

“Yeah …?” Killua said slowly.

“But … but … you never talk about what’s going on in your head. Not even to me! Who are you and what have you done with my Killua?”

“Your …” Killua’s face dropped for a second before he caught himself. “You’re making me want to stop talking entirely.”

NO!” Gon bellowed.

It was loud enough that everyone else in the cafe stopped their conversations for a moment to look at him. Gon didn’t get embarrassed easily, but feeling dozens of eyes on him for a stupid move like this did make him duck his head. Even Killua was staring at him wide-eyed.

“No,” he said again, a lot quieter. “I’m sorry, please don’t stop. I promise I’ll listen!”

Killua didn’t look entirely convinced. Or maybe he was just working on mustering up whatever he needed to start talking. Either way, he was looking a bit unsure, his lips a wobbly line and his eyes darting from side to side. When he finally did speak again, they were trained on the hands on his lap.

“Uhm … I just … y’know … wanted to know what you said to Nanika. Because she talks to you again… and stuff …”

Gon blinked, confused. “I already told you to just tell her the truth.”

Killua let out a very frustrated sigh at that.

“I’m not you, Gon.” He grit out. “I don’t know what you told her, but my truth is that I’m hella scared of her. I can’t just tell her that! Can you imagine how upset that would make her?”

Imagine? Gon didn’t have to imagine.

“It’ll make her less upset than what you’re currently doing,” he answered matter-of-factly.

“How could you possibly know that?”

“Because that’s exactly what I told her.”

That took him by surprise, if the way his eyes went wide was any indication.

“Hold up! You’re telling me that you’re scared of Nanika, too?”

“Terrified.”

Killua gaped at him.

“Was I not obvious enough when I ran away the moment I saw her the day after she almost devoured us?”

“I don’t know!” Killua barked. “You’re a friggin weirdo, remember? It’s impossible to say what’ll scare you long term and what won’t. For all I know, you could already be all gungho to battle Nanika again.”

Gon wanted to protest. He really did. But the truth of the matter was, Killua was absolutely correct. If it had been anyone else, anyone less … alien, Gon would’ve probably been all excited to battle them again. Even if he’d probably lose that fight. Especially if he’d probably lose that fight. What was it about Nanika that made him react so differently in the long run? After all, in the moment, he’d been more than willing to leap into battle against her.

“Fine. Point taken,” he pouted instead. “Doesn’t change the fact that you should just be honest with her.”

"Okay, but why does she want to hear something like that?” Killua asked, almost a little desperately. “I don’t get it!”

“She knows you’re lying, for one.”

Killua flinched a little at that.

“She’s too perceptive for her own good,” he muttered under his breath.

“Alluka does, too.”

Killua groaned and let his head fall on the table. Gon smiled widely, even at that. Killua was always so overdramatic. He’d missed that, too.

“Besides,” Gon continued and Killua lifted himself back from the table, “she did hurt us. Both of us. And she knows that. Trying to pretend like it didn’t happen isn’t just going to make that go away. If anything, it’ll make it worse because then she’ll keep stewing over it, wondering and wondering why everyone is always smiling at her when they should be mad, should be furious. She knows she needs to grovel and beg for forgiveness and spend days, months, years trying to make up for it all, even if it’ll never be enough, if no one will forgive her. But no one will ever let her, will ever give her the chance to, and somehow everyone is just ignoring the fact that she messed up at all!”

He noticed only after his little speech was done, that he was huffing. That his chest felt a little constricted and the corner of his eyes were burning. And Killua was looking at him with those wide, unsure eyes that were just a little bit more beautiful than Gon could take right now.

“Gon …” he said slowly, “ … are we still talking about Nanika?”

Oh. Well … that made sense. No wonder he’d been able to feel with her so effortlessly. Understand what she wanted to do and needed to hear. Just another thing Gon had been deaf and blind to all this time. What else was new? Was that something Gon could confront yet? Killua certainly couldn’t, if the slight panic in his eyes was anything to go by. So he gently caught the bubble that was threatening to burst, reinforced it, and pushed it back into his chest. Even if there wasn’t really any space for it in there anymore. There probably hadn’t been any in a while.

“Yeah … we’re still talking about Nanika,” he said, decidingly not looking into Killua’s eyes.

“... Okay.”

There was a long moment of heavy silence, which was odd. Long, awkward silences were not really Gon’s thing. They were especially not Gon and Killua’s thing. They were supposed to be two peas in a pod, best friends forever, of one heart and soul. The war had broken that.

No. That wasn’t correct.

Gon had broken that.

… Had he? He wanted to think that their friendship had been whole, once. But could a friendship really be whole if the people that made up said friendship were not? Killua was so desperate to feel needed that he had given his hands for Gon and walked into what should have been a suicide mission with him. If one party felt that way, could a friendship really be called ‘whole’? Had Aunt Mito been correct and nothing in Gon’s life had ever been whole or complete? Not even this? Or had they begun building something together and then Gon had destroyed it before it had the chance to become something whole?

“I don’t think I can do this,” Killua interrupted his train of thoughts.

“Do what?”

“Tell her the truth.” He was still staring at his lap, looking anguished. “I’m supposed to be her protector. Keep her safe from everyone that would want to harm her or use her. How could I possibly tell her to her face that the only member of her family that loves her is terrified of her now because of something out of her control? I don’t think I could ever bring myself to say that.”

“Then tell her that, instead. She’s a smart girl, she’ll understand.”

Killua bit his lip and frowned deeply at his lap. Not broken, but never whole to begin with. What did a Killua that was whole look like? Would he stare at his lap and frown so deeply? Would he still be overprotective of his little sister? Would he enjoy touch? Would he be a deep sleeper? Gon didn’t know. Killua probably didn’t know, either. Heal Killua’s wounds? How arrogant of Gon to think he would be able to do such a thing when he didn’t even have the first clue what a healed Killua was supposed to look like.

“Killua …” Gon started, “how do you build something from scratch?”

“Depends on what you want to build,” Killua answered.

“A person.”

…

…….

“What?”

They walked down the coast afterwards. The fisheries had a midday break and the cafe they had sat at was getting too crowded to have a proper discussion and Killua had wanted ‘get to business’, which meant talking about Alluka and Nanika’s training. So, he had decided they would go somewhere without people, but not before Killua stopped by a corner shop and bought up their entire supply of chocolate.
“So let me get this straight,” he thought out loud. “On top of the rules we already knew, Nanika devours people on instinct when her Aura is invaded, Alluka cannot force her to come out, their Aura is basically intertwined, Nanika has been keeping Alluka’s Aura Nodes shut to protect her from overstimulation because Alluka feels every living being at once and can hear the plants sing. Am I missing anything?”

“Nope. That about sums it up,” Gon answered.

“That just makes everything more confusing!” Killua groaned “I can’t even begin to guess what’s going on with those two. It’s like the more I learn about them, the less I understand.”

He ruffled his hair in frustration and one of his chocolate bars fell to the ground at the action. He didn’t even notice. Amazing. Killua had to be seriously worried, so Gon picked it up instead.

“I was thinking the exact same thing,” he said, unwrapping the chocolate bar.

“I mean, I couldn’t even tell you how much of all that is Nanika’s doing and how much is Alluka’s.” Killua continued ranting. “Maybe if I knew what her Hatsu is, I’d have a starting point, but how do Specialists even find out about their Hatsu? Do they just stumble over it someday? Does it reveal itself to them somehow? I know Specialists are super powerful and all, but not being able to choose your own Hatsu is still one hell of a condition.”

“We could ask Kurapika”, Gon said, knowing full well that Killua wasn’t listening.

He broke off a piece of Killua’s chocolate and popped it into his mouth. A small piece of that was nice, but there was no way Gon would ever be able to eat a whole bar of that stuff. Way too sweet. How Killua managed to devour those by the dozens would always be a mystery to him.

“I really, really don’t want to give her to Bisky when we still know so little. Maybe we should stick with them until we have some answers. I don’t think it’s a good idea to just - mmmpfhh?!?”

Chocolate was always a very effective way to shut Killua up. So Gon had opted for sticking the bar right into his mouth.

“You’re being stupid,” Gon said, breaking off the rest of the bar so Killua could swallow what was already in his mouth.

Killua blinked at Gon a few times, before swallowing the chocolate in one go. Without even chewing. Impressive.

“You of all people don’t get to call me stupid!” He barked.

“Just because I’m stupid doesn’t mean you’re not stupid, too!” Gon shot back.

“Fine! We’re both stupid! Happy?”

“No,” Gon scowled, miserably breaking off another piece of chocolate.

Killua opened his mouth to protest again, but Gon held the chocolate to his face before he could.

“What are you waiting for? Open your mouth,” Gon said, maybe just a little snappier than he otherwise would have.

His mood lifted the moment he saw the war playing out on Killua’s face, though. There was a very distinct desire for the chocolate in between Gon’s fingers, but also the same panic that rose to his face whenever Gon had asked Killua if he could touch him in one way or another. And probably also some humiliation because Gon was basically offering him - no, ordering him really - to let himself be hand fed. Killua, despite how low of an opinion he had of himself, was still very proud in some ways. This seemed to be one of them. Did Killua not enjoy being taken care of? Was this an inner injury? Gon tucked that little question away to ponder over at a later date.

Finally, Killua’s desire for chocolate was winning. Gon could tell by the indignant look that crossed his face, coupled with how wide the blush spread over his cheeks and nose. It was easily one of the most adorable expressions Killua had ever made. Gon wanted to boop his nose, but Killua would probably just bite off his fingers again. Instead, Gon resolved to find more ways to draw that expression out of him and fought down the urge to tease him when Killua opened his mouth obediently. Thus, without any further ado, Gon popped the little piece of chocolate into Killua’s mouth.

“Better?” Gon asked.

“Shaddap,” Killua snapped.

“Fine, have another one.”

He broke off another piece of chocolate and patiently waited for Killua to open his mouth again. He was greeted with a death glare and an even redder face.

“I hate you so much!” Killua seethed, but he opened his mouth anyway.

Gon would not have been able to keep down the smug grin if he wanted to as he popped the piece of chocolate into Killua’s mouth.

“So what are we gonna do about Alluka’s training?” Gon asked, already breaking off another piece. “Should we do what she asked and just focus on Nen training for a while?”

“You say ‘a while’ like the ship doesn’t arrive in ten days,” Killua answered and Gon popped another piece of chocolate into his mouth. “Are you just gonna keep doing that until the bar’s all gone?”

“Yep,” Gon answered matter-of-factly. “How far along is she with your part of her training?”

“Her fundamentals are pretty solid at this point. If the two exams I took part in are any indication, she should be able to handle the physical challenges no problem.”

Gon popped yet another piece of chocolate into Killua’s mouth and then frowned. He was on the last row. This little game he had started was going to end soon.

“I did try to cram as much knowledge as I could into her and she seemed to soak it up, but it’s not like I have any way of finding out whether or not any of it will stick,” Killua continued. “And as for self-defense … Well, you’ve been watching her, too. She’s talented, sure, but she doesn’t have my experience, nor does she have your wild animal instincts. I think I got her to the point where she won’t be immediately killed if someone attacks her, but that’s not much of a consolation.”

Gon popped another piece of chocolate into Killua’s mouth and this time, he accepted with minimal grumbling. Progress.

“Do you think she’ll be able to master Ten before the exam?” He asked.

“She already has,” Gon answered. “The problem is that her default state needs to be Zetsu, not Ten, and that’s infinitely harder.”

“And leaves her infinitely more vulnerable. Dammit, this is just getting worse and worse. How’s training on your end?”

Gon popped his last piece of chocolate into Killua’s mouth before he answered. No grumbling at all this time. Killua was accepting his fate.

“Like I said, she’s got Ten down already, and she can use Zetsu as well. Just not for very long yet. Swimming progress is slow, but it’s not like that’s something she absolutely needs to learn, so …”

“So we focus on Zetsu?”

“So we focus on Zetsu.”

Killua was still frowning deeply and Gon couldn’t even begin to wrap his head around all the things that had to be bothering him. Alluka’s powers, Nanika’s powers, Alluka’s exhaustion, Alluka no longer training with him, Alluka being alone during the exam, Alluka leaving them after the exam, just … Alluka. Killua always worried about Alluka, now more than ever. Gon moved slowly again, making sure Killua wouldn’t get surprised, and tried to brush his fingers over his cheek. A comforting gesture, if Killua would let him, but he didn’t. There was that same reaction again, the widening and darting of the eyes, an inner blitzkrieg that only ended because time ran out, and Killua swiftly darted out of the way of Gon’s hand. That same discreet motion that Gon would have absolutely missed if he hadn’t been observing Killua as closely as he did. And again, that same look of frustration and annoyance following after.

“Do you want to take over Alluka’s Nen lessons?”Gon tried instead.

“I don’t know how to do that, remember?”

“Oh yeah …” Gon had entirely forgotten about that. “Aren’t there any other adjacent exercises we could have her do instead?”

Killua’s frown got even deeper for a moment, before his entire face lit up.

“Nen of the flame!” He exclaimed. “It helped us get a handle on our Nen in our early days. It might work wonders on Alluka.”

Of course! The teachings of Master Wing! As expected of Killua.

“So I’ll continue teaching her Ten, and whenever you’re awake, you’ll go through Nen of the flame exercises with her?” Gon asked while Killua was already unwrapping his next chocolate bar.

“That’s the idea. Hopefully, that’ll be enough for her to get her ready in time for the Hunter Exam.”

He finished unwrapping the bar and broke off a small chunk of it.

“It’ll be fine”, Gon smiled. “She’s already ready for the exam, even without Nen.”

Killua didn’t answer, opting instead to hold up the piece of chocolate. A silent command for Gon to open his mouth so Killua could pop it in the way Gon had earlier. But Gon did something different. It was a stupid idea. He knew long before he actually did the thing that it was a stupid idea. Hell, he knew the very moment the notion entered his mind that it was a stupid idea. He leaned forward and closed his mouth over Killua’s fingers anyway, because all his survival instincts apparently flew out the window the moment Killua was concerned. The headbutt he received as a result was strong enough to make his nose bleed, but the deep red blush that had spread over Killua’s face like wildfire just before that had made it totally worth it.

“No!”

“Please?”

“No!”

“It’s for your own good.”

“No!”

“It would make your brother really happy.”

“No!”

Gon let out a suffering sigh. Of course it wouldn’t be that easy. Alluka was still Killua’s sister, after all.

“You’re gonna need it to pass the exam,” he continued to try.

“I’m too exhausted after working with you to train more,” Alluka shot back.

“It’s just meditation and only while you have the energy for it.”

“Then I don’t see why you can’t teach me. I refuse to work with onii-chan.”

“Allukaaaa!”

“No!”

Gon groaned and buried his face in his hands. These siblings were going to drive him insane one of these days.

“How about you have a conversation with Killua first and decide after?” Gon pivoted.

“What, so he can lie to me some more?” Alluka spat.

“I promise you that Killua feels really bad about that and he’s willing to be open with you now.”

“I don’t care. I’ve given him tons of chances and he lied to me every single time. The problem isn’t solved if he’s only honest with me after you talk sense into him.”

Dammit, she had a point there. Stupid Zoldyck siblings and their stupid ability to be so stupidly logical. Fine, time to bring out the big guns.

“Alluka, you’re being unreasonable.”

“I’m the one being unreasonable?” Alluka seethed. “Seriously?”

Gon took a deep breath. He would have to navigate this one with at least some amount of tact. A thing he was very aware he didn’t have much of. Welp, no better time to gain it than now.

“You’re holding Killua to too high a standard,” he said.

Alluka’s eyes narrowed dangerously at him. He’d have to be careful what he said from here on out, lest the situation got even more explosive, but at least he had her attention. That was a start.

“I know that you think of your brother as this infallible, larger than life figure. Someone who’ll never lose to anyone and who can protect you from anything. Who always knows what to do, who has the answers to everything, whom you can always rely on, who’ll never fall, never falter, never fail you. But he’s just human too, Alluka. He has flaws and he can err and he can lose and he can be helpless and desperate sometimes. He doesn’t have all the answers and then he runs around in circles, desperately running himself ragged in an attempt to do something until the decision is taken out of his hands.”

Right. That was Killua, too. Someone who was human. Almost painfully so. Beautifully so. Judging by the way Alluka was looking at the ground, she understood.

“But that also means he can learn. He wants to learn. He tries his best every day so that he’ll be better tomorrow than he is today. But he won’t get it perfectly right immediately. He has to take one step after another, just like the rest of us do. Are you really going to refuse him because he can’t reach the finish line in a single step?”

“No …” Alluka said quietly. “That … really would be unreasonable.”

There we go. Both parties were placated. It had taken two days, one for Killua, one for Alluka, but Gon had now officially done all he could. Everything else was up to the two of them.

“Talk to him,” he smiled. “And if he’s still being an idiot, I’ll teach you instead.”

Alluka nodded, albeit a bit miserably. So Gon clapped his hands as hard as he could to startle her out of her mood. It worked like a charm.

“Good. Then enough talk. It’s time to get to work. You only have eight days left to get Zetsu down.”

Alluka managed to last three hours the next day before collapsing, which Gon mostly attributed to the fact that she had only slipped on her Zetsu five times within that time. As expected, she was learning fast. Was it fast enough for her to have perfect control of Zetsu at all times within the next seven days? Gon didn’t know. He also didn’t bother stressing over it too much, opting instead to agitate over his little blue notebook while Killua was meditating with Alluka outside in the garden. They had talked yesterday and it had gone … well enough. Alluka still was still cold to her brother, but at least they were talking again and she had relented to letting him teach her Nen of the flame.

But back to the notebook. It had been a hot minute since Gon had actually noted down his thoughts and observations and there was a lot to go through.

The primary issue was the one Aunt Mito had exposed him to the other day. Gon was trying to fix Killua. Sure, he had always called it ‘healing’ so far and Gon would continue to call it that because saying he was ‘fixing someone’ was really gross somehow, but it was essentially the same thing, right?

(It absolutely didn’t feel like the same thing for reasons Gon couldn’t quite pin down, but he had decided to go with that to help him wrap his head around this particular conundrum).

So Gon had been trying to fix Killua without even knowing what a whole Killua looked like. Because Aunt Mito had been correct; he’d probably never been whole to begin with. He had been part of that horrible family from the moment he was born. Years ago, he had told Gon that he had started his assassin training when he had been only three years old. There had never been any time for him to grow into something that could break.

But … that was different now, right? Even Melody had said so. Uhm … what had her words been again …

There’s a little bit more to Killua’s song now. I can hear a beat playing together with the melody. Even a few small notes here or there, as if something is attempting to harmonize.

If Gon were to put that in his own words, he’d say that Killua was creating pieces of himself and making a build out of it. It was incomplete still, but slowly but surely coming together nonetheless. Just because Gon couldn’t see the complete picture yet didn’t mean that Killua couldn’t.

So then what was it that Gon was trying to do, exactly? Despite the sobering revelations of the previous few days, Gon still couldn’t shake the feeling that he was on the right track with his actions. He just had to recontextualize them so he knew what to aim for and wouldn’t accidentally do something that would harm Killua more than it would help him. Which was actually probably the best way to put it; he wasn’t trying to ‘fix’ Killua or ‘heal’ Killua or even ‘build’ Killua. Killua was doing that himself. Hadn’t Gon gone down this train of thought time and time again? That the only reason he could help Killua to begin with was because Killua wanted to heal? So rather than trying to do the healing fixing building for him, it was more that Gon was helping Killua heal fix build himself. Which meant … Killua already had to be performing actions to do exactly that. Running away from the Zoldyck Manor, for example. Defying his mother and brother to be friends with Gon. Choosing electricity as his Hatsu. Saving his sisters from their imprisonment.

Leaving Gon.

Gon let his notebook fall and buried his face arms. It was a rabbit hole Gon’s mind had gone down again and again and again while he had worked to get his Nen back. Killua had left. Why? It wasn’t something Gon would ever figure out the answer to. Usually, that meant that he wouldn’t even bother trying, but as per usual, things were always different when it came to Killua. For weeks on end, the question had popped up every single time Gon had closed his eyes to meditate, no matter how hard he had tried to lay the topic to rest. He had come up with a myriad of different answers as a result. Killua was just more concerned with protecting his sisters now. Killua didn’t want Gon to have to face Illumi when he inevitably found them. Killua didn’t want to limit Gon by dragging him with them wherever they needed to go. Killua had found what he wanted to do and since Gon wasn’t part of it, there was no reason to include him. Killua had been able to tell that Gon no longer had any Nen and wasn’t in a position to protect two helpless carry-ons. Killua had learned that he enjoyed going on solo missions more. Killua’s family had gotten to his head somehow when he had retrieved Alluka from the mansion. Killua felt too guilty to stay after finding out that Kite could no longer be saved. Killua was no longer capable of dealing with Gon’s recklessness. Killua was answering to all the times Gon had pushed him away. Killua never, ever, wanted to see Gon throw his life away again. Killua no longer wanted to be with Gon.

Now, Gon could add “Gon was hurting Killua so much, he needed to be away from him in order to heal” to his list. His best friend. His most important person. The only one Gon wanted by his side, always. And he had left.

But now he was back. And from the looks of it, he had no desire to leave again. He was going to, if Gon wasn’t careful. One of the many things Gon had learned thanks to his last big blow-up was that, while Killua may want to stay, he was highly sensitive to any perceived notions that Gon may not want him around anymore and would leave the moment he felt his worries were confirmed. Which gave Gon another probable reason why Killua had left; Killua had thought that Gon no longer wanted him by his side. A truly ridiculous notion that Gon would have never thought to entertain if it hadn’t been for Leorio and Melody.

So then one of the things that Gon could do to help Killua heal himself was to make him understand how much Gon wanted him around. The solution to that was easy enough; just tell Killua. At least once a day. Every single day. The more often, the better.

Not quite angry, but definitely more bitter than he had been when he had started this today, Gon picked up his notebook again and noted that idea down. With that same bitter determination, he moved on to the second big point; Killua’s reactions to his touching attempts.

It was … not confusing, but something similar. Not a thing Gon could understand on the spot, but he had a feeling it wouldn’t take too much agonizing to figure that one out. For starters, that expression Killua always had on his face after he had rejected one of Gon’s attempts. Killua had three different expressions for when he was annoyed or frustrated; one for when he was annoyed or frustrated with someone else, one for when he was explicitly annoyed or frustrated with Gon, and one for when he was annoyed or frustrated at himself. The look Killua wore in those moments was definitely the latter of those three. So then the next question Gon had to ask himself was, why was Killua frustrated with himself in those moments? The only plausible solution was that he wasn’t happy with the fact that he kept pushing Gon away. So then why did he do it to begin with? Was it an automatic default born of the fact that he didn’t have enough time to hype himself into saying yet? The way Killua had reacted so violently whenever Gon had sprung some form of touch on him seemed to imply so, but the fact that he had said ‘no’ even when given all the time in the world contradicted that. Then again, Killua hadn’t seemed entirely happy with that decision back then, either. Could he not make up his mind? Or was it like Gon had assumed and Killua just straight up didn’t know what he wanted?

In either case, this reaction was the best Gon had gotten so far, so he would stick with what he was doing right now. And if he was correct about Killua, then he would know immediately what Killua’s decision would be as soon as he made one.

Until then, he could try applying the same principle of ‘act slowly enough for Killua to have time for more than just a knee jerk reaction’ to other aspects of his little project.(It wasn’t really ‘healing Killua’s inner wounds anymore, was it? He would have to find a new name for it.) To be honest, Gon was pretty sure he’d have to play most of the points by ear, being on the lookout for an opportunity and pouncing on it when it came. Just like he had with Killua’s touch aversion. He could, however, trim down the sheer amount of things he would have to keep track of. There was no way that every single point he had written over the past weeks could be worked on like this. So! It’s been a hot minute, but it was finally time to make his way down the list once again.

Touch Aversion; Already solved. Check.

Unwillingness to show weakness: This one was a surprisingly vast topic. Killua classified a lot of things as ‘weakness’. More things than Gon would be able to think off the top of his head.But there were sure to be some chances Gon could take here or there. Check.

Chronic Sleep deprivation: Hmmm … No, Gon didn’t think there was a way to work on that one with his current method. Or at the very least, Gon couldn’t think of anything. Put on hold.
Killua’s habit of sacrificing himself for others: Same problem as the last point. Put on hold.

The refusal to acknowledge the weather: Highly situational, but this was a definite check.

Refusal to accept gifts: No need to even ponder that one. Check.

The currently still ambiguous food situation: Ironically, the one that had Gon the most stumped so far was the only one he had been making any progress so far. Best to just keep cooking for Killua whenever he could. It was surprisingly fun anyway.

Killua’s refusal to ask for things: Killua had to do the first step on that one. Maybe once Gon had gotten him to the point where he would allow himself nice things once in a while. Put on hold.

Aversion to medical treatment: Killua hated seeing doctors, but maybe he would allow himself to be treated if Gon was the one doing it? Kind of like how his hangups about food became a non-issue so long as Gon was the one cooking? Gon decided right then and there that he would find someone who could teach him how to do some proper first aid. But until then … put on hold.

Inability to handle other people’s anger: Well … until Gon managed to get his own anger issues under control, this one was a definite put on hold.

Tendency for self punishment: This … was another difficult one. Gon didn’t really know if this was something he could work on with his current approach. Best he could do was see if he could come up with something when Killua got into a mood like that. Check.

Habit of self-sacrifice: There was no clever way around this one. Or at least, Gon didn’t think he had the patience to work a clever way around this one. He simply wouldn’t allow Killua to sacrifice himself anymore, even on the smallest things, until he got the message. Freedom of choice be damned.

Killua controlling his emotions: There were probably things Gon could do here, but he had a feeling that he shouldn’t. After all, Gon had the opposite problem of not being able to conceal his emotions at all. Really, it could only be a matter of time that would get him into some real trouble. The more they grew up, the more important of a skill this became, after all. Put on hold.

Struggling with Alluka’s growth: Yeah, this one was out of Gon’s control. Put on hold. Probably even drop entirely.

And with that, he was through the list. Six points that Gon would have to pay attention to in the near future. It was a lot, but he could do this. He had to. For Killua.

Gon wasted no time and got to work the very next day. He was walking around a sunny field with Alluka, teaching her as much as he could about wildlife. Her Zetsu no longer slipped so long as she wasn’t doing much other than to focus on it, but distractions could still make her fall back into Ten, causing another episode. So instead of meditating, Gon had decided to start working Alluka’s mind instead, until Zetsu became second nature. She actually managed to last like this until it was almost time for dinner. On their way home, Gon took note of several bushes that grew beautiful white flowers.He had no idea what those flowers were called, but they had tons and tons of petals and had somewhat of a light, airy feel to them that reminded him of Killua’s hair. A perfect first try for gift giving, so Gon decided to pick a whole bouquet of them.

The look on Killua’s face when he presented the flowers to him a half an hour later was priceless.

“Alright, I give up,” Killua deadpanned.

“Give up what?” Gon blinked.

“Trying to understand how your mind works.”

Gon had to laugh at that. Typical Killua, always so cynical.

“They reminded me of you,” Gon beamed.

“In what way do I remind you of a flower?” Killua hissed.

“They’re kind of white and fluffy looking. Just like your hair.”

Killua glared at him like he wanted nothing more than to strangle the living daylights out of Gon. So he went in for the kill.

“And you’re both really pretty.”

The reaction to this one was easily predictable. Killua turned several shades of red, bristling and panicking the way he had so often these last few weeks.

It was just too bad that this caused him to burn the flowers with a well placed zap. They had been so pretty, too.

The next day, Alluka lasted until after dinner, even when Gon chased her around the forest. It wasn’t until she tried holding tight to her Zetsu while going over Nen of the Flame exercises at the same time that her control slipped and she had her first episode of the day. Gon had completely forgotten that Killua hadn’t experienced his little sister in that state yet and was entirely unprepared for his freakout.

“ALLUKA!” his cries echoed through the house. “ALLUKA! ALLUKA! WHAT’S WRONG! TALK TO ME! ALLUKA, PLEASE!”

Gon knocked over the couch with Aunt Mito on it in his hurry to get to their room. He slammed the door open, which somehow miraculously still kept intact, and all but tackled Killua out of the way so he could hold on to Alluka instead. Her eyes were wide, her breath coming in fast, desperate gasps. A sight Gon had gotten way too familiar with in the last few days.

“Nanika, take over!” He commanded.

“Kay.”

There she was already, void eyes and all. The moment she took over, Alluka’s limp body regained its strength. She sat up, already ready to retreat and let Alluka take over again, but Gon stopped her with a head pat and a small shake of his head. Because next to them, Killua had turned into a wide-eyed, shaking mess.

“A … Alluka …” he stuttered. “What about Alluka? What happened to her? Why did she … why was she …”

“Alluka is okay,” Gon said, trying his best to sound as calm as possible. “She was just overstimulated. It looks bad, but it doesn’t hurt her.”

Killua’s Irises went tiny at those words, giving Gon that look that told him that he had to be careful here, lest Killua would snap.

“Doesn’t hurt her?” His voice was quiet, barely controlled. “Don’t fuck with me, Gon! How could this not hurt her?”

“Killua calm down,” Gon soothed, to no avail.

“Calm down?!? We’re sending my sister off to the most lethal exam in the world in only six days while a simple slip of her Zetsu can do this to her, and you have the gall to tell me to calm down?”

“Killua -”

He wasn’t listening.

“There’s no way she’s going to survive this. We need a change of plans and fast. Maybe we don’t need to send her off to Bisky at all. It was an asinine idea to begin with. We’ll just keep her here and train her ourselves. Honestly, that’s what we should’ve done from the very beginning.”

“Killua -”

“And once she’s ready, we’ll just take her on missions with us. That way, I can always have her by my side and protect her in case Illumi manages to find us. I’ll have to train more so that I can keep her safe on missions as well then, make sure I’m prepared for any eventuality. Maybe make a chart or -”

“I said, CALM DOWN!”

Gon did not have any chocolate this time, so he opted for a headbutt instead. Grabbed Killua’s face while he was occupied with his own thoughts, and slammed his forehead against his as hard as he could. But unlike Killua had done a few days prior, Gon did not let him go. He held on to Killua’s face tightly, forcing him to look directly into Gon’s eyes.

“Breathe, Killua,” Gon said. “Alluka is okay, I promise. Have I ever lied to you?”

Killua’s eyes were impossible wide as he stared up at Gon, but the headbutt had managed to calm him down some. Good. Gon could work with that.

“... no,” Killua breathed, and there was something wondrous, something awestruck in his voice, his eyes. “Never.”

“See?”

Gon smiled softly and let go of Killua’s face. He hadn’t realized in the moment and just reacted, but now that the situation was back under control, Gon realized he had just acted on Killua’s weakness. Jumped in and gave him support when he hadn’t been capable of supporting himself. And Killua had allowed it. Well, to be fair, he had been too panicked to reject Gon if he wanted to, but Gon didn’t care. He counted that as a win.

“This is Alluka’s fate we’re talking about, so she should get some say,” Gon said when he had put a little distance between the two of them. “Deciding things over her head like this is wrong. She wants to take the Hunter Exam. She wants to go off on her own. Be her own person. Discover the world on her own terms. Decide on her own path. You should be able to understand that.”

Killua didn’t answer. Just looked at the ground miserably. He did understand. Better than anyone else, probably. And maybe Gon had been a little mean to try and reach Killua with such an underhanded tactic, but he wasn’t going to dwell on it.

“What if … what if something does happen to her?” Killua asked, voice small and scared. “What if she gets hurt and we’re not there to help her? What if she doesn’t come out on the other side?”

What if … what if … Somehow, Gon wasn’t concerned with that at all.

“You don’t have to worry about that”, he said. “She’ll be just fine.”

“How can you be so sure about that?”

How? Good question. Gon didn’t really know.

“Just a feeling”, he shrugged.

Killua tensed even further for just a moment, before he slowly released the breath Gon had never noticed he was holding. And with that breath, most of the tension fell off him as well. Suddenly, Killua looked worn and tired and Gon wanted nothing more than to gather him up in his arms and hold him tight. But then Killua let out a low chuckle and that’s how Gon knew Killua had caught himself. Gon’s moment to act had come and gone.

“Just a feeling, huh?” Killua smiled weakly. “I’m not gonna argue against that.”

Never again. The words hung in the air, ripe for Gon to grab. He decided to leave them hanging there.

It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep Alluka so occupied that she was on the verge of losing her hold on Zetsu. Conversation no longer did it. Normal physical activity no longer did it. Even slight multitasking no longer did it. So Gon decided to get some inspiration from their prior schedule, grabbed his protege and his best friend, and dragged them to the beach. It was time to resume their swimming lessons.

“ARE YOU MENTAL?!?!” Killua screeched. “If Alluka loses hold of her Zetsu in the water, she’ll drown!!!”

Gon and Alluka just let Killua’s tantrum wash over them, thoroughly unimpressed.

“That’s where you come in,” Gon said. “You’ve gotten the hang of the rock exercise, so now you need to stay next to Alluka while she carries the rock under water.

Killua seemed appeased by that. Nothing soothed his mind more than getting to watch over Alluka with his own two eyes, after all. What he didn’t know was that moving slowly underwater with waves this violent without a rock to ground you was infinitely more tricky than anything Gon had him do before. He would stay close to both of them, just in case.

As expected, Alluka advanced slowly. Very slowly. Which was already more than she’d managed before, so that was good. Just as expectedly, Killua was struggling to stay next to her, constantly being dragged forwards and backwards by the continuous push and pull of the tides. He actually ended up being the first one to have to resurface for air, though Alluka followed only seconds after, having managed exactly seven steps before she ran out of oxygen. It happened faster than the last time they had trained underwater, probably thanks to the double whammy of needing to focus on the waves while keeping hold of her Zetsu.

Gon followed them upwards. No use in staying under water when the two people he was supposed to watch were back on the surface. They clung to him immediately, needing something to hold on to while they caught their breath.

“Back to the land?” Gon chuckled.

“Yes please”, Alluka panted.

Killua refused to answer and opted to grumble incoherently instead. Gon took it in stride and casually swam back to the shore. Even with his two carry ons, it was barely an issue.

“Your crazy stamina makes sense now.” Killua huffed. “You haven’t even been winded once during all of our swimming lessons, while we’re only a step away from death's door every time we resurface.”

They returned to their respective tasks after a few minutes of catching their breaths. Gon had dragged Alluka’s stone back to the beach for her so she could restart. The exhaustion was settling in fast, though. It was about four steps into her second attempt that Alluka had almost let go of her Zetsu. Killua hadn’t noticed, thank god, but Gon had quickly to always keep Gyo on his eyes when Alluka was around, and so he caught the slight tremble of her Aura. She managed to catch herself just in time, though the shock of it caused her to drop her boulder and resurface as fast as she could. Gon and Killua followed suit.

“Everything okay?” Killua asked as soon as his head broke through the water.

“Yeah …” Alluka said. “Yeah, everything’s fine.”

She tried to smile, but lacking Killua’s training, it didn’t look at all convincing.

Killua wanted to stop after this. Alluka did not. Gon was torn. Alluka’s slip up was dangerous, no matter how small it had been, and so he could absolutely understand Killua’s worry. On the flipside, they were running out of time and the only way to make strides as fast as they had to was to push yourself beyond your limits, so he understood Alluka’s determination just as well. His instincts were frustratingly quiet on the matter.

“I haven’t let go of my Zetsu yet,” Alluka crossed her arms stubbornly. “And if I haven’t, that means I haven’t reached my limit yet. If it does break, we’ll stop immediately, but until then, I’m continuing. With or without you.”

There was their answer. Gon actually had to chuckle at that. It somewhat reminded him of how Killua had cornered Wing into teaching them Nen all the way back in the Heaven’s Arena. He kept thinking it over and over again, but Alluka really was Killua’s sister in every way. Killua looked less impressed and more like he wanted to break something, but he relented anyway.

So Gon went to get her boulder one more time, and one more time, Alluka made her trek into the ocean. She managed nine steps this time. A bigger victory than it seemed at first glance, because she took longer for each step, meaning her overall time underwater was actually a lot longer. And she probably would’ve been able to take another step or two, if this hadn’t been where her focus finally broke. Gon reacted, instincts kicking in, before any of them, even Alluka, understood what was happening. Her Aura flickered and Gon kicked his legs to reach her. Her Aura began to wave and Gon had his hands around her waist, pulling her away from the boulder. Her Zetsu released and Gon had his mouth over Alluka’s the moment her eyes snapped wide open. She was gasping whenever she had an episode, a deadly thing to be happening underwater, so Gon released his breath into her slowly, supplying her with the oxygen she needed. Only once she was secure in his hold did he start making their way upwards, mouth on hers until the moment they broke the surface and she was safe to breathe as she needed.

“Nanika!” Gon cried.

A split second later, void eyes had replaced wide blue ones and the worry fell off Gon’s shoulder like dead weights.

“Good girl,” he smiled, petting Nanika’s head. The action earned him a delighted coo. “Hold on to me tightly, okay? We’ll be swimming back to the shore.”

“Kay,” Nanika chirped and wrapped her arms tightly around Gon’s neck.

For the first time since they had started their regular training sessions on the beach did Gon swim with all his might. Even if Nanika was in control right now, it was still Alluka’s body and it was bound to be exhausted. There was no telling how long Nanika would be able to hold on when the waves were this violent. It wasn’t until several moments later, when they had reached the beach and Gon had gently put Nanika down on the ground, that he finally allowed himself to look for Killua.

It took the boy in question another minute or so to reach the beach and when he did, Gon was struck by the expression he wore on his face. A mess of emotions. Too many for Gon to decipher. What struck him was that he couldn’t make sense of the things he could decipher. Killua looked scared. Scared of what? He looked like he’d just been slapped in the face. By whom? By what? He looked like he wanted to run. Run where? From what? He looked like he was about to cry. Why? What was making him so sad?

“Killua -” Gon started, trying to reach out to him, but Killua flinched back and Gon immediately stopped.

Killua was flinching away from him. Why was Killua flinching away from him? It wasn’t just that he was flinching from the touch attempt, he was too far away for Gon to reach him anyway, so why was he flinching? Why was Killua breathing so heavily? Why did he look like his world was shattering around him? His eyes flickered. To Gon. To Nanika. To the ground. To the forest behind them. Back to Nanika. Back to Gon, who stayed rooted where he was. He couldn’t make sense of this. He couldn’t read Killua. He could always read Killua, so why couldn’t he read Killua?

Then finally, Killua moved. Took a step back. Another. Shook his head slowly, as if he was arguing with himself. About what? His eyes fell to the ground and stayed there, expression morphing into something that looked gut-wrenchingly like grief. Then, Killua’s Hatsu ignited, electricity illuminating him from within, and before Gon could even open his mouth to call out for him again, Killua was gone.

Killua was easy to find, but not impossible to catch. The smell of ozone was as obvious as a paved road and led Gon to wherever Killua was. Except that, by the time Gon arrived there, Killua was already gone, a fresh trail of ozone the only indication that he had been there at all. No matter what Gon tried, how fast he ran, how sneaky he was, how tight his hold on his Zetsu, Killua never allowed Gon more than a glimpse of him before he ran again, faster than Gon could even react.

After a few tries, Gon had gotten the message. Killua did not want to be caught. At least not by Gon. It stung. It always did. Every time Killua decided to act on his own, didn’t let Gon into his world, his mind, created distance between them, it stung. And every time, Gon took a step back and respected Killua’s decisions. Just so long as it didn’t put his life on the line, that is. Gon had half a mind to make a different decision this time. Had learned that Killua could not be trusted with himself, that he was fickle and self-destructive and needed someone - needed Gon - to grab him and shake him until he came to his senses.
What kept Gon from changing his mind was pure instinct. Something deep within him told him that whatever had Killua so upset wasn’t as bad as it had looked, and he would get a hold of himself soon enough. So Gon listened to Killua’s message and went back to the beach. Nanika was still waiting there for him after all, and she was highly upset. It took Gon nearly an hour to assure her that she was not the reason why Killua was crying, that she hadn’t done anything wrong, that she was still a good girl. The best. Only when she was placated did Alluka come back out and they quietly made their way home. They fell asleep curled up in only each other that night.

It was still only Alluka and him when Gon woke up, but the smell of ozone wafted into his nose and that’s how he knew that Killua had returned. He got up, making sure not to startle Alluka awake, and tiptoed down the stairs into the living room. Killua was fast asleep on the couch. Actually asleep. It wasn’t that unusual after a day of swimming in the ocean, it tended to tire Killua out enough for him to really, actually sleep. But of course, even when Killua slept, it was light, and the sound of Gon’s footsteps, however light they may be, was enough to wake him up.

Killua was slow in the morning, always. And usually, Gon went about his day, letting Killua properly wake up at his own pace. Not so today. Today, Gon sat down at Killua’s feet.

“I know you’re awake,” he said,

Killua got the message pretty much immediately and heaved himself into a sitting position. He looked … oddly soft like this. Hair tousled, lids still heavy and eyes clouded over, head slightly tilted like it weight too much for his neck to properly support it. There was something undeniably charming about how unguarded Killua looked right now, even if Gon knew he was still capable of snapping into attention fast enough to slice his neck before Gon could so much as take a full breath.

“Gon …” Killua said, slowly, syrupy.

“Are you ready to talk?”

Killua nodded at first, but then frowned as a thought crossed him. “Can’t it wait until after sunrise?”

“No.”

Killua’s eyes snapped fully open at the tone. Gon was focused. Locked in. He wanted answers about what was going on with Killua yesterday, and he was not going to tolerate delays or distractions. And Killua, knowing him better than anyone else, had obviously picked up on that. If nothing else, Gon appreciated that Killua snapped himself into giving Gon the same amount of attention back, even in the early morning. It was enough to placate him. A little.

“Well?” Gon pressed when Killua was silent for too long.

“Just to confirm,” Killua started, “Yesterday, Alluka’s Zetsu slipped and you provided her with air so that she doesn’t breathe in any water during her episode. Correct?”

“Correct,” Gon nodded.

Killua exhaled deeply and deflated as he did so. As if some big knot inside of him had just come undone.

“I didn’t notice at first and I thought … I thought … that you … well … you and Alluka were … y’know …”

Gon did not know. So he tilted his head and waited patiently for Killua to continue. Which could take a while. Whatever it was had Killua horribly flustered, his words stuttering more and more, and his blush spreading by the minute.

“IthoughtyouandAllukawerekissing!” He finally managed to blurt out.

Kissing? Him and Alluka? Gon didn’t know what to say to that. Didn’t even know how to react to that. All he could do was stare at Killua dumbly and blink.

“Why would I kiss Alluka in the middle of a training exercise on the bottom of the ocean?” He finally asked.

“I knooooow!” Killua groaned, letting himself back into his pillow and burying his head in it. “It’s obvious in hindsight, but my brain just kind of short circuited when I saw your mouth on hers, okay?”

Gon still didn’t understand.

“I mean,” Killua continued, “She’s my little sister and you’re my best friend! Can you blame me freaking out when I see the two of you being .. y’know … a real, actual couple?”

Gon tilted his head to the side. “We’re not a couple though?”

“I knooooow!” Killua cried again. “I know you don’t like her that way, too. But at that moment, I thought I had misinterpreted the entire situation somehow and all that play-flirting you two like to do to drive me up the wall was actually real and just … I panicked, okay? I thought at that moment that my best friend and my little sister had officially hooked up and it was too weird for me to handle. It only clicked after I had some time to cool off. When I remembered that it was Nanika sitting with you on the beach instead of Alluka. But you guys were long asleep by then and I didn’t want to wake you, so ….”

So that’s why he had decided to stay on the couch tonight. That made sense at least. But Killua wasn’t done, so Gon crossed his arms and waited, staring down Killua who was fidgeting nervously with the hem of his shirt under Gon’s scrutinizing gaze.

“Are you … mad?” Killua asked.

“No,” Gon answered. “But you’re not done talking. Continue.”

“I … What else do you want to know? Isn’t this about my reaction yesterday? I’ve told you everything that was going through my head.”

Gon narrowed his eyes dangerously. There was more to the story. Killua wasn’t telling him everything, Gon could tell. Because Killua still looked a little sad, a little … a little broken. Gon could not let that rest. Whatever it was, Gon would get to the bottom of it, and he would fix it.

“Liar,” he therefore hissed.

“I’m not lying,” Killua held firm. “I told you, I’m -”

“Killua!”

The word came out of Gon’s mouth, sharp and dangerous. A warning. A whip. And Killua flinched at it. There was no lying to Gon. Not for most people, and especially not for Killua. Killua knew this.

“Fine, that’s not all there was to it,” Killua relented. “But it’s not something I can tell you. Maybe someday, but definitely not right now. So stop asking. Please.”

Dammit! Killua knew him far too well. Just like Gon knew that Killua would always relent if Gon insisted on having his way, Killua knew Gon would always relent when he was being earnest. And dammit, he was right. Gon could not say no, would never be able to say no, when Killua asked like this. It was a delicate dance, and both of them were very careful not to abuse their power over the other too much. Always were, always had been, hopefully always would be.

Gon sighed deeply and got up, and Killua let out his own sigh of relief. The interrogation was over. It was time to start the day proper.

“You want pancakes for breakfast?” Gon asked.

Killua’s smile turned brilliant.

Alluka had not dropped her Zetsu even once since the incident in the ocean yesterday. Not even while she was asleep. It filled Gon with confidence and Killua with reluctant pride. So to further test how well she was able to keep this up, Killua decided that today would be a sparring day. Alluka was to fight Gon while staying in Zetsu.

What neither of them had expected was what Zetsu would do to her ability to read her opponents. Gon was incapable of getting a single hit in. He punched, she sidestepped. He kicked low, she jumped. He kicked high, she ducked. No matter how fast or nimble or agile he was, no matter how clever his faint or how unpredictable his attack pattern, Alluka dodged everything with ease. It was like Alluka could see what he was going to do before he did it. Killua, it seemed, had the exact same thought.

“Gon, switch with me,” he interrupted the spar. “Keep your eyes on me and use Zetsu. Tell me if you notice anything odd.”

Gon did as he was told and sat down outside of their sparring ring. With one deep breath, he recalled his Aura and closed his nodes until nothing could escape. Only then did his eyes snap to Killua.
Killua didn’t even have to be told that Gon was ready. Made sense, the two of them were so attuned to each other’s Aura that he’d probably notice the lack of it whether he wanted to or not. Thus, he got into stance and began his attack. Just like before, Alluka easily weaved her way around his kicks and punches like it was nothing. And yeah sure, Killua was going easy on her, making sure to perform at a level she could handle, but even then something was different. Gon too, could tell from miles away what Killua’s next move would be. When he would throw a right, when he’d twirl a kick, when he’d throw a hook. Was he just becoming more predictable? Was Gon better at reading him? No, it was neither of these. Something else was at play here. Something was telling Gon what Killua’s intentions were. Something about Killua himself reacted to his will long before his body could. His Aura. That’s what it was. Gon was picking up on Killua’s Aura. Tiny little nuances, much more subtle than usual. Things he’d never picked up on before. Gon did know of course that it was much easier feeling the Aura around you when you were using Zetsu, but this was an entirely different level altogether.

“Any results?” Killua asked when his barrage of attacks were over.

“Your Aura is giving away your intentions,” Gon answered. “It’s subtle, so I don’t think it can be seen under normal circumstances, but it’s definitely there when I use Zetsu.”

“Seriously?” Killua breathed.

Strange reaction. Why did Killua sound so surprised about that?

“What’s wrong?” Gon asked.

“I tried the same thing you did, but I didn’t pick up on anything at all.”

That … yeah, that was odd. If Alluka and Gon could both see it, why couldn’t Killua?

“I’ll give it another try”, Killua said. “Go back to sparring with Alluka.”

Said and done, but no matter how long Killua watched them, he was incapable of picking up on the small tells of Gon’s Aura the way Gon and Alluka apparently could.

But where Killua was failing, Alluka was thriving. The longer the spar went on, the stronger her focus got and the tighter her hold on her Zetsu. It was almost as if she was falling into a bit of a trance, dodging and parrying and hitting back so effortlessly, the fluidity of her movements almost resembled water. She was so good that not even Killua could deny that she was ready for the exam. It was the Zoldyck blood in her, Gon knew. She was born for this. Made for this. Build for this. Generations over generations of harsh training and selective breeding culminating in this small, lithe body. An insane talent that might just give her big brother a run for his money in terms of sheer potential. Gon couldn’t wait to see what she would bloom into.

The following day was a rainy one. Gon and Killua used that as an opportunity to see how well Alluka’s Zetsu would hold when she was bored. Gon and Aunt Mito took to deep cleaning the house, making a very disgruntled Killua help out. He bitched and moaned and whined at every step, but did as he was told anyway. Only Alluka wasn’t allowed to help, banned to sitting on the couch and reading books. An activity she enjoyed but would in no way be able to pull off for the entire day. Nobody could just spend the entire day reading without getting bored. Right? Right?!?

Okay so maybe Gon and Killua had miscalculated there. Even after four hours of cleaning, Alluka looked perfectly content, wrapped up in blankets, a hot cup of tea on the living room table, and at least half way through the monster of the book she had picked up that morning. Her Zetsu was holding firm.

“How does she do that?” Killua leaned over to ask Gon at some point.

“No idea,” Gon answered.

“Believe it or not, reading is actually fun for some people,” Aunt Mito commented as she walked past them. “Not everyone rejects intelligence as firmly as you two do.”

Ouch. Gon would have to cool that burn for at least a week. He meekly shuffled his way into a corner while Killua stuck her tongue out at her.

“I saw that, Mister!” Aunt Mito snapped.

Killua immediately rolled tongue back in and went to join Gon in his corner.

“What the hell?” He hissed. “Does she have eyes on the back of her head or something?”

Gon just shrugged a little helplessly.

They tested Alluka with lessons next. She and Killua spent almost the entire day holed up their room, going over topic after topic, trying to cram in as much knowledge as they could before the deadline. Gon used that time to learn how to cook something more extravagant for dinner with Aunt Mito. It was their last day, after all. Tomorrow morning, they would start their one and a half day trek down to the main port, where the ship would leave on the evening of the following day. And since this was Alluka’s big farewell, Gon and Aunt Mito decided to make all of her favorites; chicken vegetable soup, braised lamb shanks, potato gratin and tiramisu. By far the most Gon had ever cooked in a single day, and also the most fancy things he had ever made. He was grateful for it though. It gave him ample time to talk to his beloved surrogate mother one last time before departing. There were quite a few things he still wanted to tell her.

“Aunt Mito,” he started while she had him whisk some egg whites.

“Yes?”

She was busy marinating the lamb and wasn’t looking at him, but the gentle tone of her voice told him he had her full undivided attention.

“Thank you. For taking Alluka in when you didn’t have to. And for raising her so well. Killua really was at the end of his rope.”

She giggled at that, though it was a bit of a sad sound. She must be remembering how desperately Killua had begged her for her help when Gon had first brought the two of them home.

“I could tell,” she said. “And it was my pleasure. She is such a lovely child, it was wonderful having her around, especially after grandmother died. I don’t think I would’ve been able to pick myself back up if she hadn’t been there.”

“Right. About that …”

Aunt Mito stopped her movements to look over at Gon. He could feel her eyes on her, even if he couldn’t quite meet them.

“You’re going to be all alone now,” he continued.

Aunt Mito averted her gaze for a moment, before she resumed her marinating. Her tone was a lot more somber when she continued.

“I supposed I will be,” she said. “It’ll be very quiet.”

Something inside Gon’s heart squeezed. He put the bowl with the egg whites down. They were as fluffy as they’d ever be, he was certain about that. What was the next step again? Oh yeah, mixing it into the cream.

“Aunt Mito,” he started again, “wasn’t there ever anything you wanted to do? Before Ging burdened you with me, I mean.”

“Hmmm ….”

She took her time pondering that while carefully laying out the lamb shanks on a tray. Gon waited for her patiently.

“Well … I wanted to get married,” she finally said, and there was a soft, wistful smile on her face as she did. “I wanted to find myself a good husband who was as handsome as Ging, but who wouldn’t abandon me for some stupid call for adventure. He’d stay by my side and I’d be the most important thing in his life. I thought maybe he would be one of the handsome fishermen I’d often admire when I was small. Tall, well built and sun-tanned, with a bit of a stubble and gentle, loving eyes. I’d be the loyal housewife waiting for him to come home. And when he did, he’d pick me up and spin me around and laugh because he’s so happy to see me and then he’d kiss me senseless. I wanted him to surprise me with a pet or two, and one day, I’d surprise him with a son.”

Gon’s movements halted at those last words.

“I never did end up getting my handsome husband, but I don’t miss it. I was gifted with a son, after all. He’s handsome and sun-tanned and has bright, lively eyes. I’m a loyal mother, waiting for him to come back home, which he always does. He’s still too small to pick me up and spin me around, but not for much longer. He does laugh because he’s just that happy to see me, and he peppers my face with kisses every time he comes home. He’s even surprised me with two pets, and two more wonderful children.”

Gon had to put the bowl away, lest his tears fall into the mascarpone and ruin the tiramisu. Aunt Mito must have picked up on something though, probably the shaking of his shoulders, because she stepped over to him and rested her head on his shoulder. Not enough. Not to show her how much Gon loved her, not enough to fill the sudden need to hold her close, not enough to give her all the love and affection she deserved, just … not enough. Not for her. Not ever. So he whipped around and pulled her into the tightest hug he could muster without hurting her, burying his face deeply into her shoulder. She was right, he was going to outgrow her soon. It only made him cry harder.

“You were never a burden, love.” Aunt Mito cooed, responding to his embrace by gently caressing his back. “It’s the opposite. You are the greatest gift of my life. My pride and joy.”

It was more than Gon could handle. More than he deserved. She had given everything for him. Put her entire life on hold before it had even begun. Who cared who his birth mother was! No matter how ethereal or beautiful or bright or however else Ging had described her, there was no way she would ever be able to replace Aunt Mito. His one and only mother.

“I love you, Aunt Mito,” he sobbed. “I love you! I love you so much!”

“I know, sweetheart. I love you, too.”

He unlatched himself from her just so he could cup her face, not unlike how he had done to Killua just a few days ago. It unnerved him a bit that he was barely looking up at her anymore.

“When Alluka passes the Hunter Exam, we’ll come back here,” he declared. “Just for a few days, to introduce her to Bisky. If there’s anything you want then, I want you to tell me and I’ll make it come true. If you want to move into town so you’re not so alone anymore, I’ll buy you a house there. If you want a husband, I’ll introduce you to all my adult friends. If you want to travel, I’ll tell you all the best places to go. You’re free now. You can go anywhere and do anything. You don’t have to worry about the money, either. I’m a hunter. A pretty good one, too. I have tons of money, I can pay for anything you could possibly wish for. Just tell me what you want and I’ll make it happen. I promise!”

This, Aunt Mito had not expected. Her eyes had gone wide, her expression slack. But then her surprise turned into an amused giggle and Gon let her go.

“A parent is supposed to take care of their child, not the other way around,” she smiled.

“I know, but … I’m almost an adult and I’ve had you to care for me during all of it. Meanwhile, your childhood was cut short. We only have each other now, so I want to do something for you, now that I can. Will you let me? Please?”

Aunt Mito went very quiet at that. For a long time, she just stared at the ground, looking slightly melancholic. Gon waited once again for her to sort herself out. For her to know what to say.

“I suppose … maybe it really is time to start building a new life. There’s nothing left of this one, after all,” she said.

Build a life? Gon had never considered that. He’d agonized over building people. Over people building themselves. Well … over Killua building himself, to be precise. And over the fact that it was something Gon could barely help him with. But … building something from scratch didn’t have to be a person. There were other things he could build. Things he knew how to build.

“I take it you and Killua are going to continue going on adventures together once Alluka is all situated?” Aunt Mito interrupted his thoughts.

“Probably …” Gon said, more on autopilot than anything else.

“Good. Make sure you two protect each other, alright?”

Gon nodded and went back to cooking after that, head still reeling from the revelations and options that had just opened up before him. It wasn’t until he’d finished his Tiramisu and put it in the fridge that he spoke again.

“Aunt Mito?”

“Hmmm?”

“I think … I think I want to build a life, too. Together with Killua.”

The smile that Mito sent his way was as gentle as the morning sun.

~oOo~

Dinner was an expectedly emotional affair. Alluka straight up burst out in tears when she saw all of her favorite dishes laid out before her on the table. She tackled Aunt Mito in a hug and almost knocked her over as a result. Even Killua’s smile was a little wobbly. It took several minutes before she stopped crying and could sit down to start eating, only for her tears to start pouring again every time she tried another dish. Throughout all of it, her Zetsu stayed firm. There was no doubt about it now; she was ready.

So one last time, the three of them cleaned the table and the dishes together. One last time, they cuddled up together on the living room carpet and to parallel play. One last time, they curled up in each other on their bed in their room, talking deep into the night. One last time, they fell asleep holding hands.

When morning came, the forever night-owls Zoldyck siblings rose together with Gon. It was their turn to surprise Aunt Mito with breakfast and Gon instructed them as they made all of Aunt Mito’s favorites. It was Aunt Mito’s turn to burst into tears when she walked into the kitchen to see it all laid out on the table. Only to cry even harder when Killua prostrated himself to her, much like he had done when he’d first asked her to take Alluka in. Those two times were the only instances Gon had ever seen Killua get on his for anybody. He had a feeling he’d never bow like this to anyone else. Alluka followed right after.

“There’s nothing I could ever do or say to thank you enough,” Killua said. “You took in my little sister and raised her like your own when I wasn’t good enough to do it. You did it even after you saw the monster she houses. You single-handedly raised her into the most wonderful young woman and you never asked for anything in return. We will forever be in your debt.”

“Forever in your debt,” Alluka echoed.

“Oh children, no!” Aunt Mito sobbed. She let herself fall to her knees and grabbed each of them by an arm to pull them up. “You have nothing to thank me for. I’m only happy that I was able to give you the refuge and safety and guidance you needed. And I hope … I hope you’ll continue to come to me whenever you need something only a mother can give you. You too are my beloved children. Even if I didn’t give birth to you, even if you came into my life a lot later than Gon, you are still mine and I love you.”

Aunt Mito was crying. Gon was crying. Alluka was crying. Killua was crying. Everyone was crying and somehow, in between it all, Gon was laughing. He kneeled down to his little patchwork family and pulled all of them into a big hug. Killua even allowed it to happen without protest. They stayed there, huddled up with each other, until their tears dried and they could finally start eating.

It was probably a good thing they’d gotten all their tears out at that moment. That way, when the three of them left, they were able to wave Aunt Mito goodbye with wide smiles on their faces. They did so until they could no longer see her.

Days left until departure: 1

Chapter Text

The ship was already there when they arrived at the main port early the next day. They had lots of time before it was due to leave in the afternoon though, so Killua and Gon decided to put Alluka through one last test; see if her Zetsu could hold even when surrounded by tons of people. Well, that’s what they told themselves, but it was really just a convenient excuse to wander through town. They didn’t come here very often, after all. If they had to go shopping or just wanted to be among people again, they usually went to the small town fifteen minutes or so away from Aunt Mito’s house. Though really, that was more of a village than a proper town.

So wandering they went. Through the bustling fish market. Up the rooftops to watch people from above. To that little cafe they had lunch in when they had their little race all those days ago. That day felt like an eternity away, and like it had just happened yesterday. Weird, how time worked sometimes. Through it all, Alluka’s Zetsu held firm. She didn’t even seem to be trying anymore. Not that this was anywhere near enough to fully alleviate Killua’s worries. Gon had a feeling nothing ever would.

Then finally, Alluka’s patience ran out and she pulled them on to the ship. Well, that was all well and good. It wouldn’t even be an hour until it would depart anyway.

“It’s huuuuuge!” Alluka cried, jumping up and down the length of the ship.

Her laughter could be heard all throughout the ship and Gon couldn’t help but to laugh with her. Even Killua couldn’t keep down the one or the other chuckle at her antics.

“Hey now, isn’t this the ship for the Hunter Exam? What are those kids doing here?”

“Maybe they got on the wrong boat.”

“There aren’t any other ones leaving today though.”

“Tch, so they actually want to take the exam, huh. Do they think this is a game or something?”

“They’ll just be eaten up alive.”

“Especially that little girl. Just look at her, she looks like she’ll fall over at the tiniest breeze.”

“Just let them be. None of our business if they die.”

The whispers were everywhere for a moment. To be expected, Gon, Killua and Alluka were the only ones who had boarded on Whale Island, everyone else had been on this ship longer. Of course people would be curious. Gon didn’t really care all that much. Alluka wouldn’t either. Killua on the other hand …

“Can you tell what they’re yapping about?” The boy in question asked.

“They’re questioning our decision to take the Hunter Exam,” Gon said, filtering the gossip as best he could.

“HAH!”Sweet Irony!” Killua barked.

Guess Gon had nothing to worry about. Killua always did like being underestimated, just so he could show people up down the line.

“Come on, I want to get one last look at Mito-san’s house before we leave,” Killua smiled.

He jumped up the ratlines to the yard of the main mast like it was nothing. Because to Killua, it was nothing. Gon gloated in the ‘ooohs’ and ‘aaaahs’ for a moment.

“Not bad.”

“That kid is pretty nimble.”

“Still just a kid, though.”

Gon giggled to himself, before following Killua up the ratlines. There were sure to be more comments from the other examinees, this time about him, but the wind was already howling in his ears too loud for him to make out. He didn’t care to listen to them, anyway.

“What took you so long?” Killua asked.

“Nothing in particular,” Gon grinned back.

They couldn’t actually see Aunt Mito’s house from here. It was too far away. But they did know where it was and somehow, that was enough.

“I don’t really get it,” Killua thought out loud. “No matter what happens at the exam, whether Alluka passes or not, we’ll be back here in a few weeks at the latest. So why does it all feel so final?”

“Because things will be different when we come back,” Gon answered. “I don’t know how yet, but the days when we went back there to take a break from our adventures and find Alluka waiting there for us are over.”

Killua chuckled at that. “Feels a little bittersweet, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah … a little.”

The end of a chapter always did. This one was no exception.

Gon and Killua spotted the captain long before the captain spotted them. That was to be expected. They had moved from the yard to the crows nest so the crew could work in peace once the time to depart had come. They were still high above almost everyone else though, including the captain, so of course he wouldn’t see them. It was kind of fascinating, watching him. Years ago, Gon had been one of the people he was scrutinizing. Back then, he hadn’t known or cared to understand what the captain was looking for in his passengers. Today, Gon and Killua were scrutinizing them with him.

“All I see are a bunch of wannabe tough guys,” Killua scowled. “All hard edges and muscles, thinking they’re the shit and too full of themselves to realize that they’re just shit.”

“Killua, that’s so harsh,” Gon laughed a little helplessly.

“It’s true though.”

It was, even if Gon would have used other words to describe them. Most of the people down there were big burly guys who looked like they were convinced that they could muscle their way through every problem. The only one who stood out among them was Alluka, who still hadn’t tired of jumping up and down the ship like a deercat in the midst of a zooming phase. No wait, that wasn’t quite right. When Gon looked closer, there was a young man huddled into a corner, maybe two or three years younger than them from the looks of it. His face was hidden by his long, dirty blonde hair, but that wasn’t why Gon’s attention was suddenly on him.

“How long has that guy been on the ship?” He asked Killua.

Killua’s eyes went wide when he spotted the person in question.

“No idea,” he answered. “This is the first time I’m noticing him.”

That alone was noteworthy. Whether he knew it or not, that dude was erasing most of his presence. Not all of it though, otherwise he had flown entirely under Gon’s radar.

“That girl also seems a little different,” Killua said.

He pointed at a dark-skinned girl - no, woman- that was sitting leisurely on the railing of the ship, obviously enjoying the sea breeze. What was noteworthy about her was how unbothered she seemed while looking like she had just walked out of a fashion shoot.

“You’re right, there’s something about her, too,” Gon agreed.

That was when the captain looked up and spotted them. A huge grin made its way on Gon's face when he waved up at them.

“How long are you gonna stay up there?” He yelled.

Gon let out a sheepish laugh and hopped out of the crows nest, landing easily in front of the captain, Killua landing next to him a split second after. What they hadn’t expected was a third ‘thump’, as one more boy landed on Gon’s other side. He looked to be about Gon and Killua’s age, and everything about him screamed ‘animalistic’. Bare feet. Wild red hair that stood out in every direction and only held out of his face by a bandana. A wide grin that showed sharp canines. So, there was another one to pay attention to.

“Gon! Killua! What the devil are you two doing here?”

The captain seemed surprised to see them. So it wasn’t them he had been waving to, but the wild boy next to them.

“Killua’s little sister is taking the exam this year,” Gon explained. “We’re accompanying her to Dolle.”

“You know the captain?” The wild boy piped in. “Does that mean you’ve tried the exam before?”

“Yeah,” Gon beamed. He wasn’t entirely certain why or how, but he liked this kid already. “We took it a few years ago. That’s where Killua and I met.”

The wild boy blinked. “You’ve only taken it once? Why didn’t you try again?”

The captain laughed loudly at that, the sound booming across the deck.

“They didn’t take it again because they passed it, m’boy. Gon here on his first try when he was only twelve. Killua on his second try, a year later.”

“SERIOUSLY?!?” The wild boy exclaimed.

The whispers that erupted due to that declaration were loud enough for Killua to hear as well.

“For real?”

“Those two kids are hunters?”

“Like, actual hunters?”

“And they passed the exam at such a young age?”

“They must be pretty seasoned already then.”

“We’re in the presence of real veteran hunters …”

“Crap, I hope they didn’t hear me badmouthing them earlier.”

Gon rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, while Killua preened with the biggest, smuggest grin on his face.

“That’s awesome!” The wild boy gaped. “You two can’t be much older than me, and you’re already experienced Hunters. I’m so jealous!!!”

“Aren’t they just the best?” Alluka popped out from behind Killua.

“Alluka!” Killua chided.

The thing with Alluka being constantly on Zetsu was that everyone lost track of her, all the time. They still hadn’t gotten used to that.

“Hello little lady. It’s been a while,” the captain beamed at her.

“Hi captain!” Alluka beamed right back.

“Is she a Hunter, too?” The wild boy asked.

All three of them were surprised when the captain hit the boy over the head with his pipe. An action he didn’t even flinch at

“Weren’t you paying attention, you stupid monkey? They just said she’s here to take the exam.”

“Then how do you know her?” The wild boy asked again.

“He was the captain of the ship we took to move to Whale Island,” Alluka smiled at him.

This time, the boy reacted. His shoulders went stiff and his mouth did a little funny thing that Gon couldn’t really classify. The most telling thing though, was that a blush spread across his nose. Gon was almost a bit surprised at himself that he immediately understood what was happening. A few years ago, that reaction would have only served to confuse him. The problem was that Killua understood it, too.

“Hey, you,” he started, irises small and Aura dripping with bloodlust. “Don’t even think of - mpffhh?!?”

Gon clasped his hand over Killua’s mouth before he could’ve said anything stupid to upset Alluka again. Now he just had to somehow manage to keep it there.

“Oookay, I think that’s enough introductions for one evening,” Gon laughed. “We should really get going, right Killua? Wouldn’t want to meddle too much in the affairs of independent little sisters who are free to choose who they socialize with.”

Killua shot him an absolute death glare, but Gon refused to let it rattle him. He just shot everyone an apologetic smile and dragged his best friend away. Oh man, he’d have to keep Killua away from Alluka for the majority of the journey, wouldn’t he?

The journey was dragging. Somehow, they had the luck of catching a perfectly windstill few days. It almost felt like the ship hadn’t moved even a single meter since they left the port. And from what Gon could tell by scent in the air, that wasn’t going to change anytime soon.

He didn’t really care all that much and from the looks of it, neither did Killua. The two of them had been hard at work the last month, and took this as a sort of mini-vacation. If they weren’t lazing around on deck enjoying the sun, they were racing each other in the ocean or fishing for dinner. They even held a diving contest once, though that ended early when Killua found his body was unable to withstand the pressure of the ocean after seven meters down. It was easy like this. They spent forever talking about everything and nothing, and then spent even longer not saying anything at all. Gon found that there was little as peacefully calming in his life as just silently basking in Killua’s presence. He idly wondered if Killua felt the same.

Alluka also didn’t seem all that worried. She and the wild boy - Raph, as they had soon learned - had made fast friends and were constantly playing with each other. He tried teaching her to climb the ratlines, only to find she could scale those no problem. Of course she could, the trees on Whale Island were much more difficult to climb. She tried to outswim him, only to find that he could already navigate the waves in the ocean. Gon wasn’t at all surprised. They played catch a lot and showed off to each other with acrobatics. It was the first time Gon witnessed her using the ribbon and it almost looked like a more elegant version of a whip in her hands. She braided his hair and he let her sit on his shoulder while he stood at the very end of the main topmast. Even now, the sound of their hasty footsteps and endless giggles filled the deck.

“Reminds you a bit of you and me when we were stuck in that room in the trick tower, doesn’t it?” Gon smiled.

Killua grumbled as a response. He was very much not happy about Alluka’s new friend. Probably because said friend had a habit of blushing whenever Alluka sent a beaming smile his way.

“How far away do you think we are from Dolle Harbor?” Killua asked.

“No idea. Two or three days with good wind, maybe. Why do you ask?”

“I was thinking maybe I could carry Alluka there with Godspeed if this goes on for much longer. But I won’t last nearly long enough for that distance, not even fully charged up.”

Killua was probably fast enough to walk on water at his maximum speed, but there were so many other problems coming with this.

“I don’t think using electricity on water is a good idea, Killua. That could even kill you.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I was just toying with the idea anyway. Get her away from that bastard that’s been hanging all over lately. I’d try it in a heartbeat if she seemed even the least bit perturbed about all of this.”

Case in point, she rushed by them just as Killua said this, laughing loudly while Raph swung down from one of the masts to jump after her.

“Yep, she’s doing well. Pretty sure both of them are going to pass the test.”

“Test?” Killua sat up, now at full attention, and Gon followed him.

“Yeah. This is a sort of preliminary round for the exam. The Captain likes to use the weather conditions of the sea to test everybody who wants to take part in the Hunter Exam. If you fail it, you get thrown overboard. If you want to quit, you can take one of the lifeboats at any time.”

“That so …” Killua said. “I didn’t notice that at all.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s using this lull to test everyone on the ship right now. Look!”

Gon pointed at two rather burly men that looked to be starting a brawl with each other. It wasn’t at all surprising. Even if Alluka and Raph were perfectly content just playing the day away, most of the other voyagers had been getting antsy over the last few days. They didn’t dare let their frustrations out on the captain or the crew, but it looked like they had finally reached the point where the first of them were ready to let it out on one another.

“YOU WANNA GO, HUH?!?” One of the two men yelled.

“YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS I DO. I’M GONNA MAKE YOU RUN HOME TO YOUR WHORE OF A MOTHER YOU LITTLE -”

There went the first punch.

“INSULT MY MOTHER ONE MY TIME, FUCKER, I DARE YOU!”

With this, the brawl started. It was a fun little affair to watch. Kind of reminded Gon of the brawls that would sometimes start up in brawls back on Whale Island.

“How primitive,” Killua said, pulling a face at their antics. “They’re all just muscle and zero brain. They’d be dead in seconds in a real fight.”

Alluka came to a stop next to Killua, watching the happenings curiously. Raph joined her a second later.

“You shouldn’t be watching this, sister dearest,” Killua drawled. “A brawl like this is way too crude for your angelic eyes.”

Alluka ignored him.

“Are people like that going to be our opponents in the Exam?” She asked instead.

“Nah, those guys are just small fry,” Raph answered. “The actual examinees are on a whole different level.”

“Oh yeah, you told me you’ve taken the exam before,” Alluka said.

“And failed like a loser,” Killua snickered next to them.

“You failed your first exam too, Killua,” Gon piped in.

“Shaddap! I didn’t lose anything! I threw it on purpose!”

“Of course you did,” Gon said, smile maybe a little too smug.

It earned him a death glare, but nothing more than that. Killua had to be in a great mood then.

The brawl was spreading. It wasn’t just Gon, Killua, Alluka and Raph who were watching. Just about everyone had come to enjoy the show. Understandable, seeing how boring the last few days had been. And slowly but surely, more and more people were pulled into the whole shebang. It was ridiculous, really. But also kind of hilarious.

“WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?” The voice of the captain boomed over the deck.

It was too little too late though. By the time he and his crew were working to break up the commotion, it had spread to nearly everyone on the ship. Too many people for them all to get under control and several crewmates were getting banged up pretty badly themselves.

“Shouldn’t we help them?” Alluka asked.

“Killua and I aren’t examiness, so we have to stay out of whatever’s happening on the ship,” Gon explained. “But if you and Raph want to join, feel free.”

“Hey, who are you to give my little sister permission to join a brawl. You stay out of that mess, you hear me Alluka?”

She looked like she was about to protest, but before she could do so, a new voice piped in. One that somehow carried over the sound of all the fighting men, despite how dainty it sounded.

“Now now, gentlemen. This isn’t any way to act in front of a lady.”

It was the woman they had noticed on their first day on the ship. Even after days on a ship, she still somehow looked like she had walked right out of a fashion shoot. That was impressive in and off itself, but what was even more interesting was everyone had frozen in their movements the moment she had spoken. Deftly, she weaved through the masses, all eyes on her, until she reached the center of the brawl where the two men had started their fight. Now this was getting really interesting.

“There must be a better way for you to air out your grievances. Otherwise you will have used up all of your impressive strength before the Hunter Exam even begins. We wouldn’t want that, now would we?”

“The fuck do you want?” One of the guys said.

“Such vulgarity! Fitting for a man of your caliber.”

Alluka and Killua snorted on either side of him, while the man she had said this to blushed several shades of red. Sure, she had said that with a lovely smile on her face and an impressed tone of voice, but it was clear even to Gon that she had just insulted him.

“And you,” she said, turning to the other man. “My, you’re quite muscular. You must be spending your days doing little else.”

Killua and Alluka were seriously struggling to hold in their laughter, while let out an impressed whistle. That woman was truly vicious. Even Raph looked like he really did not want to get anywhere close to her.

“Why yes, madam. Thank you for noticing,” The man said, obviously not getting the true meaning behind her words.

“And yet, you fine gentlemen stoop to such low measures and for what? There are ladies on board, you know. You ought to know how to behave yourselves in front of them. Aren’t you ashamed?”

This … somehow seemed to have done the trick. The two men glared at each other one last time, before hanging their heads in shame.

“We’re very sorry, ma’am,” they chimed. “It won’t happen again.”

She gave them a smile. “Lovely! My work here is done then, captain. If you’d please.”

She stepped away from the cluster of men, looking as impeccable as she had when he entered it, leaving the captain to throw every single person who had joined the brawl overboard.

“She’s pretty good,” Gon thought out loud.

“She’s amazing!” Alluka’s eyes were sparkling. “I want to be her friend! Come on, Raph! Let’s go say hi!”

And off they went, jumping down the stairs to the lower deck. Gon and Killua kept their eyes on the woman, not forgetting how cleverly vicious she had been when breaking up that fight. But her smile was genuine when she talked to Alluka (and a little bit less genuine when she turned to Raph, something that Killua delighted in), so Gon decided that there was nothing to worry about there. If anything, he was glad she was making another friend.

In the middle of their talk, the captain and his crew had finished throwing everyone overboard. The only people left on the ship now, aside from Killua and himself, were Alluka, Raph, and the fashion shoot woman. Gon knew what this meant; they were the only ones who had passed this test and would be taken to Dolle Harbor.

“Looks like you three are the only ones left,” the captain started.

“We’re not!” Alluka piped in. “There’s one more person here.”

She hopped to below the upper deck, where - since Gon and Killua were sitting on the upper deck - she disappeared from their sight.

“What is she up to?” Killua thought out loud.

A few seconds later, she appeared with another person in tow. The one with the long hair that Gon had spotted huddled in a corner on their first day on the ship. Odd … Gon had completely and utterly forgotten he existed.

“It’s like he’s a ghost or something,” Killua mimicked his thoughts, activating Gyo in his eyes. “He’s not using Zetsu. Was he just born with an exceptionally small presence? If so, he’d make one hell of an assassin.”

And yet, Alluka had been able to tell he was there where even Gon and Killua had failed.

“Have you been here this entire time?” The captain asked, perplexed.

“Y-y-y-yessir!” The boy stuttered.

The captain raised an eyebrow. It was subtle, but Gon could tell he was impressed. So then this boy had also passed the test.

“Alright you four,” the captain started, “tell me your names.”

“I’ll go first!!” Raph cried. “I’m Raph! I want to be a Hunter because I’m looking for someone who can’t be found by normal means.”

“I haven’t even asked that second question yet, monkey boy!” The captain shouted.

Gon laughed a little at the silliness of it all. You could tell the boy had done this entire sond and dance before.

“He’s certainly enthusiastic,” Killua drawled next to him.

“M-my name’s Flynn,” the boy with the long hair went next. “I w-w-want to become a H-hunter b-b-because s-someone once t-t-told me I’d be g-g-good at it. I was n-n-never g-g-good at anything, so when they t-t-told me that, it m-m-made me want to t-t-try.”

“Whoever told him that knows what they’re talking about,” Killua said, voicing exactly what Gon was thinking.

“I’m next!” Alluka beamed. “I’m Alluka! My family wants to lock me away and my big brothers up there are currently hiding me. I want to become a Hunter so I can protect myself without having to rely on them.”

All three men in her vicinity gave her wide-eyed looks. Whatever they had expected her to say, it certainly wasn’t that. Only the woman seemed unbothered.

“My name is Layla,” she said. “Layla Belladonna.”

Killua’s Aura spiked next to Gon. His eyes had gone wide, his irises small. He was in assassin mode, Gon realized. Did he know that woman?

“I’m in a similar position to the young lady Alluka over there. My family would have me chained. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I wish to become a Hunter so I may have a card or two of my own to play against them.”

The captain looked from Raph, to Flynn, to Alluka, to Layla and back. Scrutinizing each and every single one of them, no doubt. He wasn’t a Nen-user, so Gon had no idea what he was looking for, or what his eyes were seeing. But clearly, he did see something. There was no doubt about the fact that these four had what it took to take the Exam.

“Well, I’ve had more fun selections before,” the captain sighed. “Though I have to admit, you four are certainly one of the more unique combinations I’ve seen. Once the wind picks back up, I’ll take you to Dolle Harbor.”

This had all four of them cheering. Alluka and Raph exchanged high-fives, Layla giggled, and even Flynn had a pleased little smile on his face. Then, Layla pulled all of them together and whispered a little something, too low for even Gon to pick up on from this distance. When she was done, all four pairs of eyes fell on them, before Alluka broke out in a wide grin and began hopping towards them. The other three followed her.

“They want to properly meet you,” Alluka beamed.

“As you might have already heard, my name is Layla Belladonna. It’s an honor to meet two professional Hunters,” Layla said when she had finished ascending the stairs. “Though I must say, you’re not at all what I imagined Hunters to be like. You’re both so … young.”

Understandable, coming from her. Gon had a hard time pinning her exact age (he guessed her to be in her mid-twenties maybe), but she was most certainly not a child anymore. What was more worrisome was how on guard Killua was against this woman.

“The first thing you learn about Hunters is that they’re rarely what you expect them to be,” Gon smiled. “I’m Gon, by the way. I’m more of an adoptive brother to Alluka. This is Killua, Alluka’s actual brother.”

“Killua …” Layla repeated.

There was something about her tone and how sharp her eyes suddenly got as she looked Killua up and down. That coupled with Killua’s reaction made Gon want to put himself between the two.

“Silver hair … Mid-teens … Rebelling against your family … You must be the heir to the Zoldycks.”

Killua was in arms against her immediately. His Aura dripped with bloodlust, paralyzing Raph and Flynn next to them. His hands had turned into assassins claws and were against her neck. It was clear she had not expected it. For the first time since they had spotted her on this ship, her composure fell and she looked genuinely scared.

“The only reason your head is still attached to your body is because Alluka likes you,” Killua said, his voice low and controlled and dangerous. “I’m going to ask you a few questions, and you’re going to answer them honestly. Don’t even bother trying to lie, Gon can smell those from a mile away. One word from him and you’re dead. Your status as the Belladonna princess is not going to protect you from me.”

Layla nodded carefully, breath coming short and sweat dripping down the side of her face. Well now. Looked like Killua was serious. Been a while since Gon had seen this side of him.

“Why did you approach us?” He asked.

“If you mean Alluka, I didn’t. She came to me. If you’re talking about yourself, I merely wished to meet some real pro Hunters. It only occurred to me that you were the Zoldyck Heir after you’ve given me your name.”

Killua glanced at him and Gon understood immediately what he wanted.

“No lies,” he said.

Killua looked back at Layla. “What do you know about Alluka?”

“Nothing. I wasn’t even aware the Zoldycks had a daughter until just now.”

Unsurprising. Everyone in Killua’s family refused to recognize that Alluka was a girl, after all.

“No lies,” Gon said again.

“What are your plans now that you know of us?”

At this, Layla’s face turned from scared to bitterly defiant. To think she could make a face like that while bombarded with Killua’s unfiltered blood lust. Impressive.

“Have you not heard my introduction?” She spat. “Did it sound like I have any goodwill towards my family? Certainly, handing over information about you to them would make them very happy, but I’ve no intention of meekly playing the role of the filial daughter. I will take over the family my way, and if hiding two of the Zoldyck children weakens their power and strengthens mine, then I’ll be more than happy to assist you.”

There was a long moment of silence in which Killua was scrutinizing her deeply. But no matter how strong his bloodlust got, no matter how intense the look in his eyes, she didn’t break.

“Gon,” Killua finally said.

“No lies,” Gon answered.

Then and only then did Killua retract his assassin's claws and drop his bloodlust. Layla let out a shaky exhale, while next to them, Raph and Flynn fell to their knees. Only Alluka was unaffected by the entire affair.

“Can I be friends with her now?” She asked.

“I’d really rather you not, but I’m not gonna stop you,” Killua grumbled.

It was as much of a ‘yes’ as she was ever going to get out of him. Alluka, knowing this, threw her arms around him and squeezed him tight.

“Thank you, Master Zoldyck,” Layla said, voice still a little shaky, “for giving me a chance.”

“Killua,” Killua answered.

It brought a small smile to Layla’s face, and a big one to Alluka’s.

“Then I hope you will call me Layla as well.”

“Whatever.”

A dismissal if Gon had ever heard one. With a delighted giggle, Alluka went to pick up Raph while Layla took care of Flynn, and the four of them moved back to the lower deck. No doubt to get to know each other a bit better (and get as far away from Killua as they could).

“What was that all about?” Gon asked once Killua had relaxed a little.

“The Belladonna’s are the family behind the Mansa Conglomerate,” he explained. “They’re one of the world's richest and most powerful families and have their hands in just about any part of our world you could think of. Politics, Economy, Science, Industry, you name it. Those guys are old money. They know how to stay out of the public eye and control the strings from behind the stage. They’re also easily my family’s most lucrative clients. Our relationship goes back generations. Only the Zoldycks with the most immaculate resume get to serve them. I don’t think even Illumi-nii was ever allowed to take one of their jobs. And that woman there, Layla, she’s the main family’s only daughter and the heir to their fortune. Though it doesn’t look like they’re having an easy time with her.”

That certainly explained how they knew of each other, and why Killua was so wary of her. Also, how she was good enough to single handedly break up a brawl with only words. Gon liked her already.

“Looks like Alluka made a pretty amazing friend,” he smiled.

Killua recoiled and looked at him like he’d just foretold that it was going to be raining dragons. But then his look turned a little pensive, obviously turning around what Gon had just said, before he finally looked back at Alluka. Raph had already recovered and he and the two girls were trying to soothe a very upset Flynn, who was crying waterfalls. Probably an aftermath to being exposed to Killua’s bloodlust. Alluka noticed him staring and looked up at the two of them, before shooting them a brilliant smile. It drew a smile on Killua's face as well.

“Yeah.” His voice was almost a whisper, that’s how soft it was. “I suppose she has.”

After another two days of no wind, Alluka had enough of waiting. She took over command of the ship as if it was nothing and had every single sailor in position. Soon, all the sails were down, all the rigging was tightened and everyone was holding on to something as if the ship was going to capsize any moment. Only once she had expected every single person and made sure several times over that the ship was ready to withstand the storm of a century was she finally happy. With a pleased grin, she stomped up to Raph and held out her arms.

“Pick me up!” She commanded.

“Oh oh,” Gon said.

“Is she really going to do that?” Killua gaped. “Here? Now?”

Raph looked very confused for a few hot seconds, before his face took on the color of an overripe tomato. To Gon and Killua’s relief however, he obeyed.

“Throw me high up in the air!” Alluka commanded again.

Raph looked even more confused, but wisely decided not to question it and threw Alluka high. Impressively high, honestly, the boy was a lot stronger than he looked. It drove a squeal of glee out of Alluka.

“Now spin me around!” Alluka commanded.

Once more, Raph looked like he was unsuccessfully solving the world’s most difficult math problem, and once more, he obeyed. When he was done, Alluka was gone and Nanika had replaced her. It took Raph a moment to realize it, but then he was staring into the deep voids that were Nanika’s eyes and froze. Gon could smell the sheer terror wafting off him.

Since Raph wasn’t moving, Nanika took the initiative to get out of Raphs hold. With small, gentle steps, she walked towards the center of the ship and raised her arms high. Gon and Killua made sure to hold on tightly to the railing. Just in time, too. A split second later, the wind finally picked up and it was vicious. Strong enough to knock Gon and Killua’s feet out from under them and it was only their tight hold that kept them from being blown away. Layla and Flynn also reacted immediately, holding on to whatever was closest to them. Flynn even managed to grab Raph, who was still frozen in horror and would probably have been blown off the ship otherwise.

Amazingly, the captain was laughing. There was no way he could have ever seen something like this before and yet (or maybe exactly because of that), he sprung to life as if he was suddenly 20 years younger. With him, the entire crew sprung into action, making use of the sudden wind to finally make their way to Dolle Harbor.

Chapter Text

“You see that lone cedar tree up there?” Gon said, pointing to the top of the hill. “Head straight towards it. That’ll be the fastest way to find the exam site.”

“Are you quite sure about that?” Layla asked. “The sign says that we ought to head for Zaban City.”

“If Gon-nii says that’s the fastest way, then that’s the fastest way!” Alluka piped in.

All six of them, that being Gon, Killua, Alluka, Raph, Flynn and Layla were standing just outside Dolle Harbor, having made it here in record time after Nanika had summoned that insane wind on what could only have been Alluka’s request. It was as far as Killua and Gon would take their little sister. From here on out, she would be on her own.

Well … not entirely on her own. That little group she had found for herself seemed plenty capable. Gon genuinely hoped that all four of them would make it through the exam.

“of course, you’re right,” Layla relented, before turning back to Gon and Killua. “Thank you very much for your guidance. We’ll be on our way now.”

“Was awesome meeting you!” Raph grinned, resting an arm on Layla’s shoulder.

She promptly shrugged it off. “Who gave you permission to touch me, you brute?” She snapped.

“Yo, calm down! I didn’t mean no harm.”

“And yet you have harmed me.”

“What the - HOW?!?”

Their bickering continued even as they walked down the streets and Gon couldn’t help but to laugh at that. Those two reminded him a bit of Leorio and Kurapika. He suddenly missed them.

“Wish me luck!” Alluka beamed.

“Good luck,” Killua and Gon chimed.

She gave them one last big hug, then whirled around to follow after Layla and Raph. Flynn too, took one hasty bow (they had again forgotten that he was even there) before hurrying after Alluka. Just like that, they were gone and Gon and Killua were alone. They had no idea when exactly the exam would start, and even less of an idea when it would end.

“You didn’t tell them about the Kiriko,” Killua noted.

“Yeah .. well … when told you, you’d already made it to the final phase once before, so I didn’t think there was a need for you to go through the whole pre-exam phase again,” Gon explained. “But this is Alluka’s first try. She needs to fight her way through and earn her licence properly.”

Killua didn’t look all that pleased by the explanation, but didn’t argue.

“I guess that makes sense,” he pouted. “What do we do now?” Killua asked.

“Let’s go to Zaban,” Gon answered. “We’ve only ever been here for the exam, so why don’t we take our time exploring the city?”

Gon started walking. Sure, they could take the bus there, but really, why would they? They’ve been stuck on Whale Island for over a month, Gon really wanted to flex his muscles a bit.

“Sounds like a plan,” Killua said, falling into step with Gon.

He smiled to himself. Killua was walking next to him.

“Race you there!” Gon grinned and started running

“Wha - HEY, NO FAIR!” Killua yelled and promptly took off after him.

Zaban was a bustling city. Maybe a bit more so right now than usual, with all the many examinees trying to find the entrance to the Hunter Exam Site, but even then, Gon couldn’t imagine the place being all that much emptier when it wasn’t exam season. There was a fish market here too (of course there was, they were barely an hour away from the ocean) and Gon had the time of his life just weaving through it and relishing in the scents. Killua on the other hand, had the time of his life complaining to Gon about the smell. So once he had his fill, he let Killua drag him downtown where all the fashion stores were. That had become a staple between them since they started traveling together again. Before then, Killua had snuck off on his own to raid the clothing stores around town, knowing Gon would have little interest in trying on outfit after outfit after outfit. But after a year apart, Gon hadn’t wanted to be separated from Killua for even a single second for several weeks and thus, had begun accompanying him on his shopping tours. Killua had tried forcing Gon into outfits at first and Gon had let him, but the annoyance about the whole shebang must’ve been written all over his face and thus, Killua had stopped. Gon had found, however, that he rather enjoyed watching Killua dress up. He could spend hours watching Killua go through shirts and pants and jackets and accessories, trying on one after the other and looking amazing in all those different ways. Killua was beautiful. Undeniably, irrevocably beautiful. Gon didn’t think that he would ever tire of just looking at Killua.

It was just two or three outfits into the first shop, however, that Gon had an idea. Hadn’t he thought just a few days ago that he should tell Killua as often as he possibly could that he wanted him around? What if he didn’t limit his words to just that? Killua obviously cared about his appearance, would he enjoy hearing Gon’s thoughts? Would being told over and over again how good he looked help him have a higher opinion of himself? Value himself a little more? Gon hoped so and thus, he made it his mission to find words to express all the different ways in which Killua looked amazing. Starting right now, when Killua pulled back the curtains to reveal an oversized purple sweater with black black sweatpants.

“It’s comfy,” Killua started before Gon could even get a word out. “Easy to move in, too. Probably a good outfit to use when it’s chilly outside and we’re on a mission.”

That had become routine for them. Killua had never really asked Gon’s opinions on his outfits, probably assuming he had none, and instead contented himself with throwing his thoughts at Gon’s head.

“It suits you. Purple really is your color,” Gon smiled.

He meant it. Killua wore purple almost all the time and Gon had long since associated that color with Killua. Killua however, had obviously not expected Gon to give any commentary and just stared at him for a hot minute.

“Uuuh … thanks,” Killua finally managed to say.

Gon beamed at him and Killua, obviously a little freaked out, went to try on the next outfit. Gon took that time to think. his commentary hadn’t been very specific, had it? It certainly hadn’t been anything about how good Killua had looked in that outfit. He’d have to try a bit harder with the next one.

Which was a short sleeved hoodie made out of material that looked like it weighed less than a cloud, paired with wide, knee-length sweatpants. When Killua stepped out of the dresser with it, he glanced at Gon real quick as if to gauge what he was going to do, and Gon took that opportunity to start talking before Killua could.

“You look dynamic in that,” he said. “Light, somehow. It suits your godspeed. You really do look like you could just take off right now and leave us all in the dust.”

Killua blinked at him a few times, looking very thrown off balance, before he too started speaking. Slowly and carefully.

“It feels light,” he said.

He disappeared behind the curtains again and Gon made a face. Sure, Killua was thrown, but it was just because Gon had responded at all, not because of anything specific he had said. His commentary was still too neutral, He would have to try harder.

The next outfit was a white shirt with ¾ sleeves and black ripped jeans, accessorized with a necklace and a studded belt. Gon grinned. This one would be easy.

“You look confident, but like, in a sexy way,” he said before Killua even had the chance to open his mouth. “Like you’re used to effortlessly seducing people.”

This had the desired reaction. Or … well, a desired reaction. In this particular case, he gaped at Gon for a few seconds, before the blush shot to his face. As in, his entire face. The last time Gon had seen Killua blush this hard was when he had asked him if he could kiss his hand.

“Wha - you - I -” Killua stammered. “YOU CAN’T SAY SHIT LIKE THAT!” he yelled and then promptly disappeared behind the curtain again.

Gon smiled to himself. This one had been a complete success. He could barely wait for the next one, though he’d have to wait a little longer than usual, probably. Until Killua managed to compose himself.
It was easy from here on out. Gon had never lacked the words to say nice things about people, especially about Killua. This was no exception. With every new outfit, Gon had new things to say. Killua looked effortlessly casual cool. Killua looked like he just swaggered off a runway. Killua looked bold. Killua looked eclectic. Killua was a look onto himself

The reactions Gon got as a result were varied. Some of them, Killua got excited by, with wide smiles and sparkling eyes, roping Gon into lengthy conversations about how the look worked. Some of them made him think and then return shortly after with similarly amazing looking adjustments. Some of them made him go quiet but brought a small, pleased smile to his face instead, sometimes accompanied with a tiny blush or a flustered darting of his eyes. And some of them made him stutter and stammer and bristle, usually accompanied by a face that was flushed several shades of red, only to then flee back into the sanctuary of the dressing booth. By the time they left the first shop, Gon was in as good a mood as ever, steps feathery light and a small whistle on his hips, while Killua looked like he had just finished running a three day marathon. It was the only shop they visited that day.

They sat down in a cafe afterwards, mostly because Killua really needed a strong combination of sugar and caffeine after that whole ordeal and Gon was more than happy to indulge him. They were mostly quiet, content to just bathe in each other’s presence, though Killua did throw him odd looks every now and again. He was probably still wrapping his mind around what had happened in the clothing store, so Gon just pretended he didn’t notice. He opted for people watching instead. There was a man running past them on a phone call. A business man perhaps, late for a meeting. There was a small cluster of girls, walking arm in arm and giggling. Schoolgirls maybe, going shopping like he and Killua just had. There was a mother, dragging her son around who was having one hell of a temper tantrum and it suddenly made him miss Aunt Mito terribly. There was a lone woman with green hair, dog ears, and a nose that almost looked a bit like a snout.

Hey wait a minute …

“CHEADLE!” Gon jumped up, startling the living daylights out of Killua. “OVER HERE!”

The woman’s ears turned in his direction first, before the rest of her followed. Her eyes widened a bit when she spotted him, but it was quickly replaced with a smile.

“Gon!” She cried. “What are you doing here?”

She made her way over to them and stole an empty chair from a neighboring table to sit down with them. Gon quickly calculated just how much he could say so as to not upset Killua.

“Someone we know is taking the Hunter Exam this year,” Gon said. “We accompanied them here and now we’re just killing time.”

Cheadle looked from Gon to Killua and back. “We?”

“Ah, that’s right! You two have never met each other.” Gon beamed. “Gon, this is Cheadle. She’s the new chairwoman of the Hunter’s Association. Cheadle, this is Killua. My very best friend!”

Killua still blushed a little whenever Gon called him that. So Gon would make sure to never stop calling him that.

“Oh, so you’re Killua,” Cheadle said. “Morel told me about you. You’re the one who risked his life to save Gon.”

“I don’t - “ Killua bristled, the blush once again appearing on his cheeks. “It wasn’t that big of a deal. I wasn’t even the one who brought him back.”

Technically speaking, that was true. Nanika was the one who had brought him back from the brink of death. But it was Killua who had returned to his family to get Nanika, Killua who had run from Illumi to bring her to him, Killua who had faced his greatest fears so that she would have the chance to save his life. Right at that moment, Gon wanted little else than to grab Killua’s hand and squeeze it so he knew. Except that there was no way Killua would let him do that.

“I’ve been told that the details should be kept under wraps, so I’ll let the topic rest,” Cheadle said. “But if you’re not busy, would you like to join me?”

Killua and Gon looked at each other, then back at Cheadle.

“Join you?” Gon asked.

“For what?” Killua added.

“I was just on my way to the final examination site to meet the other proctors. You should come along and follow the exam. Chances are you might be proctors too, someday. It wouldn’t hurt to familiarize yourselves with the process.”

Gon and Killua’s eyes went wide at that.

The final examination site was just outside of Zaban city. It was exactly the same hotel that Gon and Killua had had their final phase in. Gon almost found it a bit nostalgic coming back here, even if he had spent most of his time passed out. Killua seemed a little less happy to be back, which was understandable. He had been reminded just how much he was still under his family’s thumb here. Gon was still angry at himself for not being there and leaving Killua to confront Illumi alone.

“The final phase of the exam has taken place here for decades. It’s the main reason the association bought this hotel. I reckon your final phases must have happened here, too,” Cheadle explained.

“Yep,” Gon beamed.

“On my first exam, yeah,” Killua said. “But on my second one, I was the only contestant left after the first phase, so they canceled the rest of the exam.”

“I’ve heard of that. There was one contestant who wiped out all of his fellow examinees a few years ago. So that was you, huh?”

Killua smirked a little haughtily, so Gon elbowed him in the ribs. They walked through the hallways of the hotel together, Cheadle navigating as if she had spent her entire life here, until they came to a small drawing room where four people were already scattered across the different couches. As expected from Hunters, they all had something about them that was very unique. One was a big lady with skin so dark, it almost looked blue, wearing a headscarf. Another one was an almost freakishly tall guy who looked like he was only skin and bones. The third one could be either a male or female, it was impossible to tell (perhaps they were both, or maybe neither). And the fourth one was a blond man that was a few years older than them and could almost give Killua a run for his money with how beautiful he looked. Almost.

“You’re late, bitch,” the blond man snapped.

Gon already didn’t like that man.

“Shut your mouth, brat. That is not how you talk to your superiors,” Cheadle said calmly.

The blond man clicked his tongue, but did as he was told anyway.

“Who are those little darlings,” the dark-skinned woman asked.

“Wait, I know you!” the tall one piped in before anyone else could answer the question. “You’re Ging’s son, aren’t you? The one who made such an uproar during the Chairman election despite being in a coma for most of it.”

“Yep, that’s me.” Gon rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

“I ran into the two of them on my way here and invited them along,” Cheadle said, sitting down on yet another one of the many couches in this room. “I trust no one has a problem with that decision.”

All four Proctors shook their heads fervently. Gon was impressed. She had seemed so desperate during the election, but here, everyone seemed to have the utmost respect for her, if not just straight up fear.

“Very good. Then since we’re all here, that means it’s time to start the exam. Robyn, how many people have we got so far?”

The one who looked they might be both genders at once pulled out their phone and tapped around on it for a few seconds.

“Two hundred thirty six.”

“A rather small number this year,” Cheadle thought out loud. “Will you need any adjustments?”

“No ma’am. It should work just fine as is. I’ll be on my way then.”

Without any further ado, the person stood and left the room. No further words, not even a goodbye. This one was on the quiet, reserved side, Gon thought.

“Friggin’ weirdo,” the blonde man grumbled.

“That’s it?” Killua asked, letting himself plop on the sofa Robyn had just sat on. Gon sat down next to him. “The exam starts just like that? No further briefings or anything?”

“All of the proctors here have spent the last several weeks preparing their exams and we’ve held more meetings than we can count. Everyone here is prepared and we know all the details by heart. Any more than this would be superfluous,” Cheadle explained.

“Would you explain some of it to us?” Gon said. “I mean, we just walked in and all of a sudden the exam is starting. To be honest, I’m a little confused.”

“What he said,” Killua added.

“We gotta fucking go over that again?” The blond man groaned. “Fuck you, bitch, why’d you drag those snot-nosed asswipes with you?”

“Ash.”

Cheadle didn’t have to say another word. A single glare, and the blond man - Ash - flinched and shut his mouth again, though not without another defiant click of his tongue. It was enough to placate Cheadle though, and she turned to Killua and Gon.

“There are five ports on this Island in which the Exam ships arrive. Each proctor watches one of the ports and comes here once the last ship has docked. The exam starts exactly 36 hours after the last of us has arrived in this room. That’s how much time the first proctor has to make the final preparations for their exam. This year, that honor goes to Robyn, the one who just left the room.”

Huh, so that’s how it worked. No wonder the captain hadn’t seemed worried despite how much time they had spent in a lull at sea.

“He has planned his test to last 48 hours”, Cheadle continued. We’ve changed the rules a bit since I was elected to give the examinees 24 hours of rest in between exams, so Estelle, the second proctor, will be starting her preparations in 72 hours.”

“That’s me,” the dark-skinned woman smiled.

“72 hours, huh …” Killua thought out loud. “What do you all do during that time?”

There was a long moment of heavy silence in which all the proctors exchanged meaningful looks with one another. Something about it made Gon’s heart sink into his stomach. He had a bad feeling about this. A very, very bad feelings about this. A bad feeling that was only confirmed when the four adults in the room turned back to them with wide grins on their faces, pulling bottles out of god knows where.

“We fucking party!” Ash cackled.

Sixteen days. Sixteen days of nonstop partying. Day and night, it was games, drinking, karaoke, drinking, dancing, drinking, dares, drinking, sparring and then more drinking. Gon was exhausted and by the looks of it, so was Killua. Hilariously, neither of them had even gotten drunk, despite the fact that every single one of those wretched Hunters had made them chug bottle after bottle. In Killua’s case, the answer was obvious; he was trained to be immune to most poisons, and that involved alcohol. There was no explanation for why Gon never seemed to get inebriated though, and in her drunken stupor, Cheadle had gotten all excited and babbled on about dissecting him to study his supposed immunity. The memory alone made a cold shiver run down Gon’s spine. Who’d have thought someone as collected and put together as Cheadle could turn such a feral menace when under the influence? At least they hadn’t made them take any of the other questionable pills and powders that had been making the rounds.
And yet, each and every single one of them had been up and fully alert when it was time for them to supervise their exams. Gon had zero idea how they did that.

“I am never, ever proctoring an exam, you hear me?” Killua groaned. “I don’t care how much you want to, you’re not dragging me into this again.”

They were sprawled out on the King -sized bed in Killua’s room. The fourth phase of the exam was in its last stages and the proctors had finally let them (and Cheadle) go to get some sleep. The only reason why Gon was on Killua’s bed instead of his own was because his room was closer and Gon was physically incapable of dragging himself those last few steps to his own bed.

“Don’t worry, Killua. I’m totally with you on that one.”

They hadn’t even gotten around to asking about Alluka and her friends. Gon could only hope she was doing well.

“Do you think we would’ve had more fun with this if we were able to get drunk?” he asked.

“Who knows,” Killua scowled. “And wait, aren’t you asking the wrong question here? They shouldn’t try to get us drunk to begin with. We’re still underage! I thought you said Cheadle was the responsible type.”

Gon gave him the side-eye.

“You want to go to these guys and make the argument that we’re mature enough to kill, but not to drink?”

“Good point,” Killua immediately relented. “Did you know you can’t get drunk?”

“Yeah, actually. When I was small, some sailors on Whale Island used to offer me a beer every now and again. They were always surprised that it never affected me, so one day, one of them had the fun idea to see how many I could drink before I got drunk. They all passed out and the only thing I felt was that I had to pee a lot.”

“I’m starting to think your childhood was actually a lot more messed up than you realize,” Killua scowled.

Was it? Gon didn’t really have any point of comparison. The only other people who’s childhood he knew about were Killua and Aunt Mito. Aunt Mito had become a mother and Killua had been trained to become the ultimate assassin, so as far as Gon was concerned, his childhood on Whale Island had been perfectly peaceful.

“Doesn’t matter,” Killua said, his words beginning to slur. He was falling asleep, Gon realized. “I’ll protect you from everything that hurts you. Won’t run away this time. Promise.”

Hmmm … that sounded like something big. Like something Gon should really be paying more attention to. But his own mind was hazy as well. It had been a long few weeks after all, and Gon was tired and Killua was right here next to him and he could feel his Aura and the heat of his fingers that were almost touching his but not quite, and the scent that was so familiar to him at this point, he’d be able to pick up among thousands. All of it lulled him away from reality, away from those words that felt like they were so important.

“Then I’ll build you up until you’re whole. Until you learn to love yourself as much as I love you,” Gon mumbled and he wasn’t even entirely certain anymore what he’d said the second the words had left his mouth.

“Kay,” Killua answered, and then he was asleep.

Gon turned his head to look at him and smiled.

Chapter Text

The door slammed open, followed by a set of determined footsteps. They stopped seemingly right next to Gon, who was nowhere near awake enough to even begin to comprehend what any of this meant. Thus, he opted to deny that anything was happening at all.

“How long are the two of you going to sleep?”

Gon groaned and rolled away. Away from this evil evil voice that wanted to rip him out of his sweet, peaceful slumber. He heard another groan next to him. Killua.

“Seriously! Kids these days have no stamina. Get up!”

The owner of the voice yanked the blankets from under them, causing Gon to roll off the bed with an ‘oomph’. A second one followed when Killua landed on top of him seconds later. Well, he sure as hell was awake now.

“How long have we been out?” Killua slurred.

“About twelve hours,” Cheadle answered. “The participants just finished the fourth phase. It’s time for me to make my final preparations and you two are going to help me.”

Gon groaned again and Killua joined him.

It took them a few minutes to gather themselves, but they did eventually get up and get ready for the day. A long, cold shower was the first thing Gon did to help him get rid of the cobwebs in his head.
Killua was already out in the lobby when Gon was done, a huge monster that could only be a deadly mix of sugar and caffeine in his hands. Gon actually decided to join him on that, though his own coffee was only softened up with a little bit of milk. Gon was not at all a coffee thinker, but after the last few days, he was beginning to see the appeal of it.

“Why are you two so groggy? Haven’t you used Zetsu yet?” Cheadle chided when she sat down to join them.

“Zetsu?” Gon blinked.

“Why Zetsu?” Killua added.

Cheadle sighed. “Whoever your master is, they have truly failed you. Zetsu forces the body’s external layer of Aura to be fully contained within. If all that energy is inside you, it works to relieve fatigue, heal injuries, all that good stuff.”

Oh. Well, that made sense. Give the body more energy, it would heal faster. He shared a look with Killua, before both of them closed their eyes and retracted their Aura. The result was amazing. Gon felt better almost immediately. It only took a few minutes for the cobwebs in his head to completely clear and the ache in his muscles to ease. So that was how all the Hunters did it.

“Better?” Cheadle smiled when the two opened their eyes again.

“Much!” Gon beamed.

Killua opened and closed his hands, looking at them thoughtfully as he did so.

“That’s actually really handy,” he thought out loud.

“Then finish your coffee and let’s go. We have work to do.”

Gon grimaced at the beverage in front of him. Now that he was feeling back in shape, any and all appeal coffee had had to him suddenly vanished. Popped out of existence, just like that. He took a deep breath, grabbed the cup, and downed the thing in one go. The faster it was gone, the better.

“Can’t I take mine with me?” Killua asked.

“If you must,” Cheadle’s smile was a little exasperated, and also a little fond.

It was a simple matter of putting everything that was breakable away. But the hotel was large and the estate around it even larger, so even with everyone helping out - Gon, Killua, Robyn, Estelle, Ash, and even the entire hotel staff, it took hours (the tall guy - Ed was his name - was currently on his way here with the examinees). It seemed like the final phase this year would include not just one room, but the entire property. Gon was genuinely curious to see what Cheadle had planned.

On that topic, Gon couldn’t help but to admire her. There were nearly three dozen people running around frantically, and yet she commanded and coordinated them all without needing so much as a second to think things over. Her voice was effortlessly authoritative, her calmness almost eerie, no matter how chaotic it got (and it got very chaotic at points), nothing ever seemed to ruffle her feathers or overwhelm her. She had a perfect overview of all things at all times. Now more than ever, Gon was convinced she had been the right choice for chairwoman of the Association.

After that was done and over with and the hotel had basically been reduced to just its barebones, Cheadle took Gon and Killua aside.

“Would you like to help me with the actual exam?” She asked.

Gon and Killua looked at each other, before looking back to Cheadle.

“Help you how?” Killua asked.

Cheadle smiled softly and closed her eyes. “A few years ago, the previous Chairman returned from an exam much more excited than usual. He was going on and on about these two kids that had taken part that year who were showing immense promise, and how he had the time of his life playing a round of ‘steal the ball’ with them.”

Gon and Killua looked at each other again, eyes much wider this time. The memory was vivid in Gon’s head. He’d had the time of his life playing that silly game, and in hindsight, he’d learned so much from it, too.

“I would like for you to play the same game with the examinees,” Cheadle said. “Of course, you two will be the ones they’ll have to steal the ball from.”

Them? Take over Netero’s role in the game? Against people who wanted to become Hunters? That … that actually sounded like a lot of fun. Gon wanted to try that.

“Well, well, well, how the turns have tabled,” Killua grinned. “Guess now we’re the bar to reach, eh Gon?”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Cheadle chided. “If you try to play the game the way the late Chairman did, you won’t be able to keep the ball for more than five minutes. You two might be talented, but you’re still lacking the years of training and experience he had when he played that game with you. No, I want you to go all out. Do anything you must to make sure none of the examinees get their hands on the ball. You may even use your Hatsu if you must, just so long as you stay on the property.”

Gon smiled. They could totally do that. Gon wanted to do that. In fact, he couldn’t wait to do that. For a bunch of reasons, but mostly because all of this meant he got to play with Killua and go all out.

The sound of something vibrating brought Gon back down to earth. Cheadle pulled her phone out of her pocket and took one quick look at it, before glancing back at Gon and Killua.

“They’re here,” she smiled. “Want to see who you’ll be up against?”

One more time, Gon and Killua looked at each other, this time with wide, excited smiles on their faces.

“You bet we do!” They chimed.

Cheadle laughed and began to walk towards the entrance to the hotel. Killua and Gon followed her. They went to the center dome, all the way up until they were on the highest floor, with a perfect view of the entrance to the hotel. Just in time, too. The ship was landing while the three of them made themselves comfortable. Minutes later, Ed exited the ship, followed by fourteen contestants.

“That’s more than during our exam,” Gon thought out loud.

“Certainly more than during my second one,” Killua added.

“Indeed,” Cheadle said. “There were far less contestants than usual this year, but the crop was certainly of much higher quality. The fact that so many of them made it this far is proof of that. On average, only four of five make it to the final phase.”

So the nine that had made it during Gon’s exam was higher than the average as well? Then again, Netero had said that his year had been a bit of an outlier in general.

“There’s Alluka!” Killua cried, ripping Gon out of his musings.

Gon followed Killua’s line of sight and yep, there she was. A bit worse for wear maybe. Her clothes were certainly dustier than usual and her hair was a mess. But her eyes were shining and there was an excited blush on her cheeks, which meant she must’ve been having fun with the exam so far.

The friends she had made back on the ship had made it, too. All three of them. Flynn was off worse than the others, looking like there wasn’t much left of him but a husk. Raph didn’t look quite as roughed up as Alluka, but the everpresent grin was gone from his face and his eyes looked somber and serious. Only Layla looked like nothing had happened at all, still the same reserved smile on her face as she chatted with Alluka, still looking like she had just left a runway. That girl was definitely one to look out for.

The other examinees also didn’t look like they were anything to sneeze at, though. One of them, a boy with hair that looked like it was made out of woven gold, had joined Alluka’s group. He wasn’t saying anything and his eyes were oddly intense, but the most striking thing about him was that Gon could not, for the life of him, guess how old he was. For all Gon knew, he could be a teenager, or a middle aged man in his fifties.

Another one was a young woman, probably Layla’s age, with long blue hair and clothing that looked like it was purposefully ripped. Gon couldn’t quite place it, but something about her unnerved him.
Then there was an older lady that looked like her own bones would give up on her any time now, and that’s how Gon knew she was someone to keep an eye on.

A pair of examinees that looked like siblings, both boys, maybe men, with hair as white as snow and eerie golden eyes.

A middle aged man that looked like he hadn’t showered in years and reminded Gon oddly of Ging.

A man so tall, he could almost give Ed a run for his money, but with skin as pale as Killua’s, long black hair put up in an elaborate braid, and icy blue eyes.

And finally, a group of three girls, all dressed in different shades of red, one of them looking like she’d rather be anywhere else, one looking like she’d rather be nowhere else but here, and one with sharp eyes that were already analyzing every detail of the place.

Cheadle was right. That really was a high quality crop of examinees.

“Looks like we’re going to have to bring our A-game,” Killua said next to him.

“Yeah.”

“Is the person you know among them?” Cheadle asked.

“She sure is,” Killua answered, a fond, crooked smile on his face.

“I hope I don’t have to remind you that going easy on her is not tolerable,” Cheadle said sternly.

“We wouldn’t dream of it,” Gon smiled.

“Very good. If there are any plans you want to make to take on these kids, I suggest you do it now. You have a few hours before the final phase starts.”

And with that, Cheadle left them to their own devices.

“In the name of the Hunter’s Association, I want to warmly welcome every single one of you to the final phase of the Hunter Exam,” Cheadle said.

Her voice wasn’t particularly loud, but it was carrying wide enough that Gon and Killua could understand her easily from their spot on the roof of the Hotel. The examinees had been called to the courtyard, where all of the Proctors were waiting for them.

“First off, I want to congratulate you all for making it this far,” Cheadle continued. “No matter if you pass or fail here, you should all be proud that you managed to win the approval of four of the Association’s finest.”

Killua snorted and Gon could absolutely understand that. Those four finest had spent the last seventeen days getting drunk and high off their rockers any chance they got.

“My name is Cheadle. I am the Chairwoman of the Hunter’s Association, and also your final proctor.”

There was an outbreak of whispers and low murmurs among the examinees and Cheadle, probably used to this kind of thing by now, waited patiently for it to die down.

“I hope you have all rested well,” She said when the quiet had returned. “You will need to be in topform if you wish to pass here and officially join our ranks. Let me introduce my assistants to you.”

Gon and Killua took that as their cue. In one swift motion, they jumped off the roof and easily landed next to Cheadle. Alluka’s eyes went huge when she spotted them, though she wisely kept any commentary to herself. Layla and Flynn followed her example. Raph was just about to say something, though Layla easily stuffed his mouth with his own bandana before he could.

“These two dashing young men are Gon and Killua,” Cheadle introduced them. “As you may have noticed, they’re younger than most of the examinees present. I can only advise you not to let their age fool you. Those two have been outstanding Hunters for several years now, having passed their exams at the ages of twelve and thirteen respectively.”

Another round of surprised murmurs erupted among the examinees. This time, Cheadle did not wait for it to pass.

“The two of them are well trained, highly skilled, and very talented. In a few years, they will surely stand atop the new generation of Hunters.”

That … was a lot more praise than Gon expected. Killua was looking away, trying not to let the slight blush on his face show. Gon couldn’t even blame him this time. He could feel the heat rise to his own face at Cheadle’s words. He rubbed the back of his neck, just so his hands would have something to do.

“For your final exam, you will be going up against the two of them,” Cheadle finished her little speech.

Reactions were mixed. Alluka’s eyes had a determined shine to them. The boy with the golden hair looked from one to the other, probably trying to determine which one of them was the weak link. The girl with the blue hair suddenly had a wide, manic grin on her face. The analytical one among the group of three girls narrowed her eyes dangerously. The middle aged man chuckled. Only Raph, Flynn and Layla went pale.

“You mean we need to fight them?” Layla asked, her voice going up a few notches.

“Heaven’s no,” Cheadle answered. “I sincerely doubt that any of you could so much as lay a finger on those two. I would have very little to judge you for.”

She held out her arm and Estelle threw a simple dodgeball into her waiting hand.

“Your task is simple. Steal this ball from them. If you succeed, you pass.”

“And if we don’t?” The man with the blue eyes asked.

Cheadle answered him with a smile. A clear answer at first glance, but Gon knew better. Hunters were never what they appeared, after all. Cheadle was instilling false expectations in them.

“There are only three rules,” Cheadle continued. “First; you may not leave the property. If you do, you are disqualified and fail the exam. Second; you may not kill the proctors, my assistants, nor any of your fellow examinees. If you do, you are disqualified and fail the exam. Third; if someone manages to steal the ball, the game restarts without that examinee. The game ends when I give the command. Any questions?”

Silence across the board. Well, it was simple enough to understand, so Gon wasn’t surprised. Neither was Cheadle, from the looks of it. She smiled and then Gon felt her Aura hit him full force. He knew this feeling. It was her En. But … it felt different from Kite’s. More probing. More like everything about him, every detail of his body, was utterly and entirely exposed to her. Gon activated Gyo in his eyes just to see how far her En reached and … it was the entire estate. Gon wasn’t good with numbers, but he knew this was way, way bigger of a range than what Kite had been able to do. The property was huge, it had to be at easily a few hundred square meters. Maybe even a few thousand. Just what kind of insane radius did this woman's En have? Was this what a triple star Hunter was capable of? And the way it felt, like every single cell in his body was being examined, did it have to do with her occupation as a Disease Hunter?

Gon shared a glance with Killua. His face was mostly neutral, but the fact that it was no longer the confident grin he’d had on his face before told Gon that he was feeling it too, and was just as unnerved by it. He looked at the contestants. Alluka’s lip was twitching, meaning she probably felt it. Other than that, only the old Lady suddenly had a dangerous glint in her eyes. Everyone else just seemed slightly uncomfortable, obviously feeling that something had changed, but not being able to pinpoint what. It was impressive in and off itself. Everyone here was at least a little bit attuned to Nen.

“Ready?” Cheadle asked.

Everyone, including Gon and Killua, got into position.

“GO!”

She threw the ball high. Very, very high. So high, it was out of their field of vision for a moment. That sneaky woman had put Nen into her throw. Well, that wouldn’t be a problem. A single glance shared with Killua and the plan was set. Gon crouched low, gathering Aura in his legs. Killua got into sprinting position, and activated his Godspeed, the glow illuminating him from within and making his hair stand on end. The sight was met with wide, confused eyes by the examinees, and even the proctors looked taken off guard by the display. Gon even heard Cheadle murmur a little ‘oh my’.

Meanwhile, Gon waited. His eyes were sharper than that of an eagle, meaning the the time in which the ball was out of his sight would be much shorter than that of anyone else here. The moment it came into view, Gon activated Ko in his legs and jumped for all he was worth.

About sixty meters. Just like in Tobons. Below him, the examinees let out incredulous outcries, but Gon wasn’t paying attention. He gathered his Aura in his legs once more. Much more than when he was just using Ko. So intense, even the proctors below him looked rattled at the sheer amount of power he was gathering. Gon had never tried using Rock with his legs before. He had no doubt it’d work like a charm. So when the ball was right in front of him, he kicked the damn thing to hell.

Immediately, Killua ran. Too fast for anyone but Gon to follow. To everyone else, he was just suddenly gone, nothing but a few trails of electricity where he had once stood.

When Gon landed, the examinees looked at him like he was some kind of alien. So they finally realized how difficult of a game this would be, huh?

“You’d better start running if you want to catch up with Killua,” Gon smiled at them.

Just like that, the group fell into chaos. One after another, they were scrambling to get moving, running, jumping, flying into the general direction Gon had kicked the ball to.

“Fucking hell, asshole. You kids are fucking insane!” Ash yelped when everyone was gone.

“I have to admit, I didn’t expect you to be quite that good,” Estelle agreed. “I’m looking forward to seeing how the exam will go.”

“Agreed,” Cheadle smiled, before jumping up to the highest point of the hotel. No doubt to look over her examinees.

“I’d better go catch up with Killua, too.” Gon smiled.

He didn’t even need to use Nen to hop over the hotel roofs. They were only a single story high, after all. The examinees were all running to the edge of the property, where Killua was waiting for them, ball easily balanced on his foot. His eyes narrowed when he spotted Gon approaching him.

“YO GON!” He yelled. “USE A BIT LESS FORCE NEXT TIME! THE DAMN BALL ALMOST DRILLED A HOLE INTO MY CHEST!”

“SORRY KILLUA!” Gon yelled back.

Killua just rolled his eyes and let electricity flow into his legs, enough to load the ball with it too, before he kicked right through the cluster of examinees towards Gon. He caught it without problems, though the leftover electricity made his fingers twitch a bit.

What he hadn’t expected was that the blue haired girl had guns. Two of them, which she drew with lightning speed and shot directly at Gon. Gon thought it useless at first, since no ordinary bullet would be able to pierce his Ten, but those weren’t ordinary bullets; they were smoke bombs, and they went off the moment they made contact with him. So his sight was robbed, huh? Too bad, she had chosen the wrong target. This may have worked against Killua, but Gon’s nose and ears were just as sharp as his eyes and he heard her steps long before she lunged at him. He dodged with ease. Again and again and again. The sound of a blade cutting through air. Gon dodged to the side, seeing the tall pale man stumble to where Gon had just stood. Two sets of light footsteps. The siblings. Gon threw the ball into the air and parried their fists and kicks. They were fast and well trained and used to working together as a team and Gon was struggling to keep up. The sound of a bow being drawn. Gon ended his scuffle fast by catching one of the siblings' feet and smashed him into the other one, before jumping up and catching the arrow before it reached the ball. It shattered in his grasp.

“Gon.”

A whisper. Killua. His footsteps were too silent for Gon to hear, so he focused on his nose instead. Tracked where the scent of Ozone was strongest. The trajectory it took. The one it would take. Right above him, that’s where Gon kicked the ball. Killua was little more than a silhouette in the smoke, there and then gone, but it had undeniably been him who had caught the ball. Killua wouldn’t let anyone take it from him that easily, so Gon ran. No idea in what direction, just out of the smoke.

The first thing Gon did when he was out of the smoke was to look for Killua. He was busy outmaneuvering two of the trio of girls, both of whom were nimble and quick on their feet and worked together like a well-oiled machine and Killua actually had to pay attention. The third girl was nowhere to be seen and that spelled bad news for Killua. So Gon once again decided to jump, high over Killua’s head, and Killua got the message immediately and kicked the ball up to him.

A trap. The third girl had been waiting for him and jumped right into his path. Clever. Gon’s eyes darted around, looking for an out before he collided with the girl and Killua was gone. The Ozone trail went upwards. Killua was above him. So Gon twisted in midair and shot the ball upwards. Then he purposely crashed into the girl to stop his own momentum. A bit mean, but necessary. He twisted both of them during their fall, landing safely on his feet with the girl secured in his arms.

“Sorry about that. Hope you’re not hurt,” Gon smiled.

He only had time to watch the girls face begin to morph into a snarl before he jumped back onto the roof of the hotel. Killua shot the ball to him midflight and he picked it up without hassle.

Raph and Layla were waiting for him where he landed, so he smashed the ball down hard enough for it to bounce out of their reach. He tried to unearth their footing, but those two were nimble and jumpy and barely had a foot on the ground for more than a split second. So he caught them both by the wrist and threw them in opposite directions, before turning back to the falling ball. But instead of Killua, it was Flynn flying above him this time. Dammit, Gon hadn’t even noticed him. He reacted fast, grabbing Flynn’s leg and pulling him back down, but as he reached upwards for the ball, Alluka’s ribbon appeared where Flynn had previously obscured Gon’s vision. What an amazingly smart girl. It put a manic grin on his face. He wouldn’t be able to catch that one fast enough, so instead, Gon gathered his Aura and smashed the ground beneath their feet.

It had the desired effect. Alluka lost her balance as the tiles in the courtyard overturned, her control of the ribbon faltering. The only question now was; where was Killua? There, a trail of electricity. Killua was running. So Gon gathered Nen in his hand and punched the ball into the direction Killua was running towards. A little less hard this time, so Killua actually had a chance of catching it safely, which he did.
And yet, the disheveled looking man was somehow already behind him, reaching for the ball before Killua’s catch could stabilize. How on earth had he done that? Nobody was faster than Killua! He only just managed to dodge, kicking the ball back to Gon before he lost balance.

Gon received it without issue, only to pause when he smelled something sickly sweet. Poison. It wasn’t potent yet, but getting stronger fast. Gon took a large breath and held it, looking around for the culprit. Ironically, he’d be safe staying where he stood until his breath ran out.

“Young man, won’t you give this poor old lady the ball?” A sickly sweet voice came from behind him.

Gon whirled around. The old lady. She had a candle in one hand and holding out her other, empty one. They weren’t allowed to kill, and this lady obviously expected him to hand over the ball. Some kind of mind control poison? That was dangerous for most people, but there was no way this lady had anticipated his sensitive nose to be able to pick it up before it affected him. Nor would she have anticipated just how long Gon could hold his breath (almost twenty minutes at this point), and there was no way in hell she could have expected his partner to be immune to most poisons.

“Gon!” Killua yelled, dashing past them.

Gon grinned and passed the ball to Killua. The old lady’s eyes went wide, and Gon was almost sad that he wouldn’t be able to see how she reacted when he easily jumped away from her.
Yep, those examinees were definitely nothing to sneeze at.

Gon didn’t know how much time had passed when Cheadle finally called the end of the game. It could’ve been an hour. It could’ve been ten. Only Alluka had managed to grab the ball from them, and only by asking for Nanika’s help. (Killua would’ve called her out for cheating if he wasn’t so gungho on keeping Nanika a secret from as many people as possible. Cheadle had still noticed something was off and had narrowed her eyes dangerously at Alluka. Gon was certain she had the scolding of a lifetime waiting for her.)

Aside from that though, Killua and Gon had kept the ball between them the entire time, though Gon couldn’t exactly say he was proud about that. They were both entirely out of breath and soaked in sweat like they hadn’t been since Bisky had gone through that grueling Ren training with them. Killua had had to recharge several times over. A disgrace, really, seeing how none of the people here could even use Nen.

The Hotel looked like a battle had taken place. In some ways, it had. Gon looked around. Raph, Flynn, the boy with the golden here, the old lady, the guy that reminded him of Ging, and the three girls were still glaring at them like they were down to go for another ten hours. Not that they could, each one of them looked like they had reached their physical limits. Gon was pretty sure that the main reason some of them looked so upset had more to do with that, then with the fact that they hadn’t been able to grab the ball.

Layla had been the first one to give up and was curled up against a wall in one of the outer hallways. The girl with the blue hair had completely lost it at some point, screeching and lunging at them like she wanted nothing more than to rip their throats out, ball all but forgotten. Gon had tried to calm her, but Killua had taken the more direct approach of knocking her out. The tall pale man with the sword had sat down after a while, eyes closed and letting the battle happen around them. And the white haired siblings had retreated to the rooftops, apparently preferring to watch the game instead of participating in it.
Cheadle jumped back to the center of the courtyard and retracted her En. Immediately, Gon relaxed. He hadn’t even noticed how tense its constant presence had made him. Judging by the heavy sigh coming from Killua, he was in a very similar state of mind.

Everybody gathered in the courtyard. Gon, Killua, all the examinees (except for the blue haired one who was still knocked out and carried there by Estelle), and the other proctors.

“You have all done well,” Cheadle said. “This was by means an easy exam.”

No kidding. The meanest thing about it was the tiny amount of information they were given. It had dawned on Gon during the exam just how much of a mental game this all was. The examinees were led to believe that not getting the ball meant failing, yet had no idea how much time they were given to catch it. Nor did they have any idea what Killua and Gon were capable of. Sure, they were warned, but there had to be some extra layer of despair falling over them as it slowly unraveled just how strong and capable these two children were. A ticking time element with no end in sight. A David vs Goliath game where Goliath took on David’s appearance. Cheadle might just be giving Netero’s devilish schemes a run for their money.

“Then, I shall announce those who have passed the exam,” Cheadle continued.

“Number 21: Milo.”

Ah, the boy with the golden hair. That made sense. He had a wide arsenal of weapons he was capable of using, a sharp and clear mind with a keen battle sense that even had Killua flustered once in a while, and an incredible athleticism that only seemed to become more pronounced as the game went on.

“Number 47: Oroh.”

A chuckle from the man who reminded Gon so much of Ging. Also not surprising. He had managed to appear where nobody expected him time and time again. His timing had only gotten sharper. Out of everyone, he had been the one closest to stealing the ball from them several times over.

“Number 115: Eliza”

it was the old lady who chuckled this time. Gon wasn’t really surprised about that one, either. Her traps had been immaculate and her poisons had become harder and harder to detect.

“Number 233: Alluka”

That one was clear. She was the only one who had managed to grab the ball, after all.

“Number 235: Raph.”

Gon wasn’t all that surprised about that one, either. Raph had somehow just continued to get nimbler and lighter on his feet throughout the game.

“That is all. For those who haven’t passed, I wish to congratulate you on a job well done. You have all shown tremendous potential and I hope to see you again next year. You may stay here to recover for as long as you wish. For all who have passed; there will be a briefing tomorrow morning at 10. Please ask the staff to take you to the briefing room when the time has come. You are all required to attend. Oh, and of course; congratulations on passing the exam, and welcome to the Hunter Association.”

Gon and Killua caught Alluka’s eyes and she shot them a big grin. They smiled back at her. Though when Alluka hopped to talk to her new friends, Gon noticed Killua’s eyes getting a little sad. It was obvious what he was thinking.

“See? Told you she could do it,” Gon teased, gently poking his elbow into Killua’s ribs.

“Yeah …”, Killua said. “Just look at her. She’s a real Hunter now, and she has plenty of friends to stand by her side and make her smile and laugh. I guess … she doesn’t need me anymore.”

Yep, just like Gon thought. He rolled his eyes. Killua really did always look at things from the worst possible angle, didn’t he?

“Maybe not,” Gon said. “But she’ll always want you.”

Killua’s went huge and his entire head snapped to Gon. He looked at him like he had unraveled the mysteries of the universe, like he had explained the unexplainable, thought the unthinkable, revealed every truth the world had to offer and like all that of knowledge scared him to his very bones. It wasn’t nearly anything so dramatic and Gon told him that by smiling back gently. Warmly. Something in Killua’s face broke a little and his head snapped back to Alluka. There was heartbreak in Killua’s eyes. Grief. Gon couldn’t help but to wonder just what exactly it was that Killua was saying goodbye to. But then his expression softened. Turned back into a smile that was simultaneously endlessly sad and endlessly glad.

"Do you think that’s enough?” Killua asked and he didn’t even bother trying to control the trembling of his voice.

Weakness. Killua was showing him weakness. Then all Gon had to do was prove to Killua this was okay. That Gon was here for him. That he could find safety and comfort with him and come out better and lighter on the other side. So Gon gave him the only type of contact he knew for certain Killua was comfortable with and leaned against him, arm to arm, shoulder to shoulder. Just a little. Just enough for Killua to pick up on it and lean back. Gon stayed firm and Killua leaned a little more. And a little more. Almost like his strength was leaving him bit by bit. He did so until he was leaning enough to rest his head against Gon’s shoulder, heavy and sad and lifeless. It was only then that Gon spoke. Softly, into Killua’s hair. Words only for him to hear and nobody else.

“Yeah. It’s enough.”

That’s how they stayed while all of the new and old Hunters, all the ones who passed and failed hugged each other and said hello or goodbye, congratulations and I’m sorry and I want to see you again and I’ll definitely pass next year. Throughout it all, Killua’s world was reshuffling itself in front of his eyes and Gon made sure to stay his rock to the very end.

He would give Killua some time and then, if he would let him, they’d figure out together where to go from here.

They always did.

Chapter Text

Gon wasn’t entirely certain what he had expected when he returned home to Whale Island with Killua and Alluka in tow. Seeing Bisky and Aunt Mito happily drinking tea together without a single care in the world had certainly not been it, though. Gon took it in stride. Killua not so much.

“The hell are you doing here, old hag?!?” He yelled, pointing right at her face. “How did you know to find us here? Wait, do you know Alluka passed her exam? Is that why you’re here? How’d you even find out?”

“Call me an old hag one more time and I’ll kick your ass all the way to Azia!” Bisky barked back.

“That’s right, Killua! Show some respect! She’s your elder, your superior, and your Master. Where do you get off calling an old hag? And don’t point at people, it’s rude. You’ve been taught better than that!” Aunt Mito chimed in.

Killua looked like he wanted to run as far away from here as his godspeed would take him.

“There are two of them …” he muttered to himself. “Why are there two of them … what kind of perverted hellscape is this … I must be in some kind of nightmare …”

Yeah, as much as he wanted to help Killua with all his little injuries, this one was out of Gon’s hand. He decided to leave Killua to wallow in his despair in peace.

“Good to see you’re doing well, Bisky,” Gon smiled and sat down with the two ladies.

Alluka followed suit and Bisky, all business as usual, wasted no time looking her up and down.

“This is Alluka,” Gon said. “Killua’s little sister and the person we’d like you to train.”

“It’s an honor to finally meet you, Miss Bisky,” Alluka bowed politely. “Onii-chan and Gon-nii have told me a lot about you.”

“Have they now …” Bisky scowled, glancing at a still despairing Killua.

Gon was extremely grateful her attention was on Killua and not him. He tried his damndest not to look anywhere that might catch Bisky’s eye.

“Alright, let’s check you out,” Bisky said, turning back to Alluka. “Get up!”

“Bisky,” Auny Mito interrupted, “they only just got back. They must be tired. Shouldn’t we give them some time to settle down?”

“You’re too easy on those kids, Mito. No wonder they’re so spoiled. They can have a break when I say so, and not a minute earlier.”

“See?!? It’s not me!!!” Killua cried, pointing at Bisky again. “She’s legitimately terrible. That crazy old hag is a tyrant if I’ve ever seen one!”

Bisky punched him into the sun. Aunt Mito blinked in sheer confusion. Alluka let out a delighted bubble of laughter. Gon just sighed in exasperation.

“Now then.”

Bisky turned back to Alluka and walked circles around her while Killua crash landed next to Gon. Once. Twice. Thrice. Gon had no idea what she was seeing or what she may be looking for. After all, Bisky could wield Nen in ways that still entirely escaped him to this very day.

“You’re like me …” Bisky said thoughtfully.

“Like you how?” Killua asked, getting back on his feet.

“The appearance she’s wearing isn’t her original form. Her Nen is changing her body, I can only imagine to make her look more like her ideal version of herself.” She turned back to Alluka. “You must have some very strong feelings about your appearance.”

Oooh, that made so much sense. Gon had only ever thought of Alluka as a girl, so he had never even questioned how she continued looking like one as she grew up. Bisky had just answered so many questions he never even knew he had.

“I …” Alluka started, wringing her hands on her sleeves. “Do you see a girl when you look at me, Miss Bisky?”

“Just Bisky is fine. I’m not big on honorifics,” Bisky said. “And yes, you do look like a girl to me.”

“Because I am,” Alluka continued. “I feel like a girl. I’ve always thought of myself as one. And onii-chan told me that I can be whatever I want to be. If I want to be a girl, then all I have to do is say so and I’ll be a girl.”

Bisky raised an eyebrow.

“I think I know where this is going,” she said. “Your original form is that of a boy, correct?”

Alluka nodded miserably.

“Is that all?”

“Huh?” Alluka’s head whipped up to stare wide-eyed at Bisky.

“Is that all there’s to it? I was hoping for something a little less mundane if I’m honest.”

Alluka continued to stare. Killua joined her. Gon honestly didn’t get it. What was so weird or surprising about the whole situation?

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Bisky barked. “Cases like that aren’t exactly rare in the Hunter’s Association. There are several people whose Nen has changed their bodies to better fit their identities. I mean, look at me; my Nen has changed my body just because it looks to masculine. I’m not gonna get my panties in a twist because of an ordinary trans girl.”

“There’s a word for that?!?” Killua gaped.

It actually kind of made sense that there would be. If Alluka existed, then there were sure to be more people like her. More trans girls.

“So?” Bisky turned to Gon and Killua. “Was this the ‘mysterious secret’ I was promised? If so, I have to say I’m disappointed. You did hold up your end of the deal so I’ll train her, but-”

“That’s not it,” Killua interrupted her.

Bisky stopped in her rambling, stopped any and all gesticulation, and turned all of her attention to Killua. She was serious. Or more like, Killua was serious and she was responding to that in kind.

“That’s not the secret,” Killua said again. “But before we tell you, you must swear that you will never, ever tell a soul.”

Bisky’s eyes narrowed. “It’s that serious?”

Killua nodded gravely. Her gaze turned to Gon, who nodded also. Then to Mito, who also nodded. Finally to Alluka, who looked away. Bisky was quiet for a long moment, then sighed.

“How does a Nen-contract sound?”

~oOo~

“She’s a lovely woman,” Aunt Mito sighed. “And she looks so young. Remind me to ask her for her skincare routine.”

“I’m pretty sure this goes beyond what any skincare routine is capable of, Aunt Mito,” Gon laughed a little helplessly.

There was nothing else to do but to drink tea with his Aunt while Killua, Alluka and Bisky were putting together the clauses of the Nen-contract. It suited him just as well. Soon, Alluka would be handed over to Bisky’s capable hands and Gon would leave with Killua. Who knew when he was going to see Aunt Mito next? Best spend as much time as possible with her as he could.

“She made me an offer, you know,” Aunt Mito said. “A friend of hers is a Gourmet Hunter.”

“That friend’s name doesn’t happen to be Menchi, does it?”

Aunt Mito’s eyebrows rose. “No, that wasn’t it. Why?”

“No reason,” Gon smiled innocently.

Aunt Mito pulled a face for a moment, clearly not convinced. Thankfully though, she decided to let it drop.

“Anyway, that friend is going on a sort of world tour soon. They’ve created a few revolutionary dishes and will be presenting them at five to seven star restaurants worldwide. And, well, Bisky said that they need assistants.”

A world tour? With a pro Hunter? For real?

“That’s amazing!” Gon beamed. “What an incredible opportunity! You get to see the world! And you get to do it while cooking! You love cooking!”

“So you think I should say yes?” Aunt Mito asked.

Gon blinked and sat back down. He hadn’t even noticed he had stood up. Sure, there was the question itself because why would Gon ever think otherwise. But more importantly …

“Should you really be asking me?” He said. “I’m your son. And I’m still just a kid.”

Besides, it was her decision to make.

“Gon … Yes, I’m an adult and you’re still a child. Yes, I raised you as my own. But I’ve never been off the Island. Not once. Whereas you went off on your own when you were only twelve. In some aspects, you’re more experienced and more mature than me. Now that I’m faced with the possibility of leaving, I’m realizing how scary it is. And how amazing you and Ging were for being able to take such a huge step at such a young age. The world is so big and vast and I’m just a little girl from a little island in the middle of nowhere. What if I’m swallowed up whole?”

That … was a weird thing to wonder about. Gon had exactly zero idea what was going on in Aunt Mito’s head, or what she was feeling right now. As far as he was concerned, the bigger the challenge, the better. Did that make him the weird one?

“Do you want to say yes?” Gon asked.

“I do, but-”

“Then don’t let your fears stop you! It’s like you said, the world is large and vast and we’re just a little boy and a little girl from a little island in the middle of nowhere. So we’re never going to run out of new things to see, new friends to make, and new adventures to go on.”

Aunt Mito looked at him for a long moment. Gon knew that look. The first time he had seen it on her was when he had come home after an entire day in the forest, with a spotted squirrel on his shoulder. The first friend he had made in the forest. It was a proud smile that had a slightly sad tinge to it. A bittersweet look. Gon had come to learn that she wore that whenever she realized that he was growing up.

“You’re right,” she finally said. “There’s a big, big world out there to explore. If there’s nothing left keeping me here, I may as well go and see it for myself. It’s a scary thought, but not nearly as scary as being left behind here, all alone.”

“Aunt Mito …”

Gon would be lying if he said he didn’t feel a little guilty. This Island was Aunt Mito’s home. And Killua loved it here, too. If Gon gave the word, all three of them could settle down here together. Alluka would leave, she had that sense of longing and curiosity. That need to go off on her own and make her own path. But Gon couldn’t stay here. He’d go mad if he stayed here. Whale Island was a sanctuary. A safe haven. But it wasn’t his home. It could never be his home. It’s roots ran too deep. Whenever Gon was here, he could feel them burrowing into his legs and pulling him into the ground, making his body feel heavy and his steps feel slow and agonizing. Whenever he was here, it felt as if time stood still for him, while the rest of the world was merrily moving along. It was nice for a little bit. Slowing down. Breathing in deeply. Gon had learned to appreciate that after East Gorteau. But before long, the fight against the roots in his legs exhausted him, and the standstill of time created a loneliness so deep, it ate him from the inside. So Gon had to leave. And Killua, wonderful, loyal, amazing Killua, would always leave the one place he truly wished he could be home in, to leave with him instead the moment Gon said ‘let’s go’. This time was no different. Gon felt guilty, yes. But not guilty enough to stay.

“It’s okay,” Aunt Mito smiled, probably knowing exactly what was going on in Gon’s head. “To be entirely honest with you, it would have happened sooner or later. I stand at that cliff once in a while and hear the call. Wonder what amazing things I could find beyond that horizon. I guess I truly am a Freecs.”

“You know I’ll coming running to you if you need help, right?” Gon said “No matter where you are in the world.”

“I know,” Aunt Mito answered. “Since we’re on the topic, there is actually one thing I’d like your help with.”

“What is it?”

Aunt Mito turned to look at the house, and there was an expression Gon had never seen before on her face. He didn’t know what to make of it.

“I want to burn down our home.”

Chapter Text

Bisky was eerily quiet for the rest of the day. Gon hadn’t even thought it was possible for her to be this shocked about anything. She always carried herself like she had experienced everything the world had to offer. And yet there she was, wandering through the house in a trance and spending dozens of minutes staring into the distance.

“She looked horrified when Nanika came out,” Killua told Gon. “She was just standing there, gaping like a fish for what felt like forever. Then she sat down, asked us a ton of questions and just fell silent afterwards. She hasn’t said a word since. It kinda creeps me out.”

“Yeah, me too,” Gon said.

“Do you think maybe telling her was the wrong decision?”

“Hmmm … No, I don’t think so.”

“If you’re sure …”

~oOo~

The chaos started the following day. Specifically, it started during breakfast, when Bisky did something nobody expected; she started giggling uncontrollably. Out of nowhere, as far as Gon could tell. Then, her giggles turned into a full on belly-laughter Gon could really not tell if that was a good sign or not.

“You brats really dumped an impossible task on me, huh?” Bisky’s grin was almost manic. “Fine, I was never one to back down from a challenge. I’ll make that little bud of yours bloom!”

Gon’s was beaming. As were Killua and Alluka. He knew Bisky would come around, but holy moly was it a relief to hear after yesterday. It was official; Alluka would be training under the best Nen-teacher the Hunter Association had to offer. A master so skilled, not even Illumi would be able to take Alluka from her without one hell of a fight.

“However,” Bisky continued, “This island is no place to train her. I will be taking Alluka home with me. And you two will be coming with us.”

This … Gon had not expected. It wiped the smiles off all their faces.

“Why?” Gon asked.

“Because the two of you have obviously neglected your Nen-training and as your master, I cannot let that stand! Killua, you might’ve refined your lighting techniques, but your control of pure Nen is not the least bit better than when I last trained you. And Gon, I understand you were busy relearning Nen. But last time we met, you were already almost back to the skill you had before you lost it, and you haven’t improved at all since. I give every bet none of you have even bothered learning En, have you?”

They both flinched. Because Bisky was absolutely correct, they hadn’t worked on their Nen at all since they started traveling together again. It was just kind of an unspoken agreement. Even the missions that they chose had been challenging, but never in a way that made them feel like they had to level up. For Gon, the reasons for choosing those missions were obvious; with his curiosity about his father sated, he instead turned it to the world. Talking to Ging had made him realize just how much more there was to see, and with Killua back by his side, he was eager to explore everything the known world had to offer. Though … there was a bit of an itch in the back of Gon’s head. A feeling that suddenly popped up that he couldn’t shake, that there was more to it than that. He decided to ignore it for now.

Killua was another question altogether. Gon wanted to believe that he joined him on his adventures simply because he enjoyed exploring the world together as much as Gon did, but Gon had never specifically asked. He’d always had the feeling that this was not something he should probe into. . And … if he was entirely honest with himself, he wasn’t certain he even wanted to hear the answer.

“So, I decided to take matters into my own hands once again and beat some discipline into the two of you,” Bisky continued. “You’ve been slacking off for long enough.”\

“Yes ma’am,” Gon answered meekly.

Even Killua didn’t protest, opting instead to settle on a miserable scowl.

“You’re welcome to come with us, Mito,” Bisky turned to his aunt. “Things are going to get busy with three extra students on the grounds. I could use an extra pair of hands until my friend comes back home.”

“I’d love to, Bisky,” Aunt Mito smiled.

“Then it’s settled! The entire household will be packing their things and moving to my place until further notice. Now hush hush, get moving. Clean the table and gather your things, we will not be dilly-dallying around here.”

And that’s how breakfast ended and a set of highly chaotic days began. Moving, as it turned out, was a highly involved and time-consuming affair. Since nobody in the Freecs/Zoldyck household had ever done it, Bisky took over the lead before long.

“Gon, stop letting the deercat distract you! Focus on your task!”

“Killua, you’re being sloppy! Organize the boxes properly!”

“Alluka, stop trying to sneak away! Just because your Zetsu can hide you from your brothers doesn’t mean it can hide you from me!”

“Mito, you wrote those birthday cards when you were five. Stop being a hoarder and just throw them away already!”

They were so busy in fact, that Gon hadn’t had a single free moment to perform any of the things on his ‘heal Killua’s inner injuries’ list. Hell, knowing Bisky, he wouldn’t have time for it at all while she was training them. Gon really wasn’t a fan of that. He’d have to find some excuse weasel out of her training as early as possible.

Finally, a week and a half later, the last of the boxes were shipped off to Bisky’s home, the last piece of furniture was sold off, and the last little knick knacks that had gathered over the generations were thrown away. The house was entirely emptied out. Their last meal in that house was pizza which was eaten on the floor. Oddly enough, despite what was about to come, the mood was cheery, and laughter was abundant. Gon didn’t really understand it.

At nightfall, Killua walked through the house one last time, igniting all the little bundles of paper and lyre they had placed. It took some time after he was done, but then the house was entirely aflame and all five of them watched as it lit up the night.

“Aunt Mito, how many generations of Freecs have lived in this house?” Gon suddenly asked.

He wasn’t sure where the question came from, but it was out of his mouth before it had even registered.

“I don’t know,” Aunt Mito answered. “A lot, I’m sure.”

“And it ends with us …”

“Yes. It ends with us. Gon, do you remember Granda Abe’s last words?”

“Of course I do. She told us not to be sad because everything must have an end. And it’s because things end that something new can begin.”

He remembered them like it was yesterday. Because his mind immediately jumped to so many cases where this was true. He had ended his time on whale Island and that’s why he was able to begin his journey with Killua. They had parted ways with Kurapika and Leorio, and that’s how they met Bisky. He had lost Kite and gained an understanding of grief. He had lost his Nen, only to rediscover it on a deeper, more intimate level. He had said goodbye to Killua and found Ging. He had given up his freedom to a commitment and gained Killua back, together with a new sister. Grandma Abe must have had many beginnings that could only have happened because something in her life had ended. It must have been a full and rich life that way.

“I didn’t understand those words at the time,” Aunt Mito continued. “I thought ‘look at how much has begun without anything ending. We have Killua and Alluka with us and you didn’t have to die for that to happen. Things can just begin and if that’s the case, then why do things have to end at all?’”

Was that how Aunt Mito had thought of it? Gon couldn’t say he didn’t understand that. It was a little bit similar to how Gon had felt when he realized that Kite had died. Grief. An emotion he had always known existed, but never really understood until that horrible moment when Pitou had told him that Kite could not be saved.

“But I think I understand it now. After all, I never would’ve even considered leaving Whale Island if Grandma Abe was still alive. I’m about to start a new life. My own life. A life in which I get to make decisions only for myself, and nobody else. But everything here on Whale Island needs to end so I can do that. If that house stayed standing, I would surely stay shackled to my memories and ancestry and come back here sooner rather than later. So that too, needs to end.”

“There must have been a time when some brave ancestor of ours upended their life as well, only to start a new one here,” Gon said, wrapping his arm around Aunt Mito’s back and pulling her close. She rested her head on his head in return. “Whale Island ends with us. But maybe the Freecs will take root elsewhere. A new place where countless generations will live out their lives. To them, you will be that brave ancestor.”

“And then, some dozen generations after that, there will be another one to uproot them all and the cycle continues.”

“And the cycle continues.”

A few moments of silence, the only noise being the cracking of the burning house. Then -

“I’m proud of you, Aunt Mito.”

She answered with a sob.

Chapter Text

Bisky’s home was not a house. It was an entire frigging Island. One that was not on any maps, did not have any ports, and could only be reached via private airship. Which Bisky possessed. Gon really shouldn’t be surprised, Hunters as skilled and renowned as Bisky were typically quite wealthy, but he hadn’t thought that far, so he was very surprised. Aunt Mito didn’t know that of course, so she asked the question when they approached the island.

“How on earth can you afford this?”

“I don’t,” Bisky answered. “This island belongs to the association. I just live here.”

That was even more surprising than Bisky just owning the island, and opened a million more questions. Gon didn’t even know where to start asking them. Thankfully, Killua did it for him.

“And what’s the catch?”

“Not so much a catch, more of a deal,” Bisky explained. “The Hunter’s Association needs a lot of work done that either can’t, or shouldn’t, be paid for by private citizens. Hunters who do it get to mooch off them. In my case, I train inexperienced Hunters and refer them to masters once they have their fundamentals down. A service the Association believes should not be blocked by a paywall.”

Ooooh. That actually just answered so many questions Gon never even knew he had.

“I’m also not the only one living here,” Bisky continued. “There are seven of us all in all, though most of us are usually out on the hunt for something. The only one who’s here regularly is Pat. There are some very strict rules regarding Pat that you must follow if you want to leave this island in one piece.”

Huh. This trip just got a whole lot more interesting. Not that Gon wasn’t listening before, but now Bisky had his full, undivided attention.

“Pat is a Nen researcher. The best you can find. I heavily doubt there is anyone in the world who knows more about Nen than they do. But they’re also very eccentric, and the lengths they’re willing to go in order to learn more about Nen are far from morally sound. They’re willing to experiment on anyone and anything if they find it interesting enough. We’ll have them work with Alluka and Nanika to find out as much about the two of them as we can, but only with my supervision. Otherwise, do not approach them! No matter what they say to you, never go with them. Best not even talk to them. Especially you, Gon!”

Huh? What?

“Why me?” He asked.

“You’re the son of a Nen Genius unlike any other, and Pat has long wanted to get their hands on him. Chances are, they’ll be more than happy to use you as a substitute.”

“They can have Ging for all I care. Let them tear that bastard apart,” Aunt Mito muttered under her breath.

Gon was relatively sure that he was the only one who caught that, and he had to bite his lip not to burst out laughing. He didn’t share the sentiment, but the mental image of his scraggly father desperately trying to escape from a mad scientist was still pretty funny.

“Actually, you should be careful as well, Killua,” Bisky said. “They’ve never said it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they had invested interest in taking apart a Zoldyck as well.”

“My sister is also a Zoldyck, you know!” Killua barked.

“I know. That’s why she’s not to leave my side for the entirety of her duration here. Understood?”

“Yes ma’am,” Alluka chirped.

It was about a quarter hour later that the airship landed on a designated landing plot next to a mansion that looked to be the only house on the island. It was definitely several times more impressive than the manor of the Zoldyck Butlers and Gon and Mito were both staring, but Killua and Alluka both looked fairly unimpressed, so it couldn’t be more extravagant than their home at least.

The thing had five stories, several large terrasses, and even a pool. The one thing Gon really loved about it though, was that it was situated right next to the sea. He’d definitely go swimming in the early mornings! One odd thing - aside from the fact that they were on a secluded island - was that Gon could hear people in the distance. A lot of people. It wasn’t the only odd thing he was hearing - or smelling for that matter - but it was definitely the most pressing

“Didn’t you say that the other people living here are usually gone?” He therefore asked.

“Those are my students you’re hearing,” Bisky answered. “There are always a couple of them living here. I also allow people to stay here who want to be my students, but have yet to prove themselves to me. Most of them never do.”

“Woah. Harsh.” Gon smiled a little helplessly.

“Haven’t I told you before? I don’t just train anyone. Let me show you to your rooms.”

“Can Killua and I share one?” Gon immediately asked.

If they shared a room, they’d have at least some time together. Especially once they got used to Bisky’s training regimen. And since it would be just the two of them, Gon was sure to be able to sneak in some of his bandaid actions here or there (Gon had settled on calling them that after much contemplation).

“Don’t just decide that!” Killua snapped. “What if I want my own room for a change?”

“But we always get a room together when we can,” Gon whined. “And I want to stay next to Killua, always! Can’t we?”

Killua scowled at that, but the teeny tiny blush on his cheeks gave him away nonetheless. Yep, just like Gon thought; it made Killua happy to hear that Gon wanted him around. He would definitely have to say things like that more often.

“Fine,” Killua grumbled. “Bisky, you got a room with two beds?”

“I can have one arranged. Alluka, you’re staying in my room with me.”

“‘Kay!”

Killua looked pleased at that. Made sense, if what Bisky had said about this Pat person was true, they might just sneak up on Alluka in the middle of the night. Better to make sure she stayed safe, even while she’s sleeping.

Bisky led them through the mansion. It was a nice place. Friendly and open, full of warm natural colors. Cold stone floors, but tons of fluffy blankets. Lots of interesting art on the walls that piqued Gon’s curiosity. Many, many windows lighting up every corner of the house. Aunt Mito was shown her room first. It was small but cozy, and Bisky had definitely understood Aunt Mito’s preferences fast. Gon and Killua were shown their room next, and it had to be one of the larger rooms in the house. Probably because it would need room for a second bed. Maybe even a second set of furniture entirely. Gon wouldn’t put it past Bisky to get that taken care of, she was thorough like that. They were left alone to settle down, while Bisky took Alluka to her own room at the mansion’s highest floor.

“Ugh, I’m already not looking forward to the coming days,” Killua groaned, throwing his backpack in a corner and letting himself flop down on the bed.

Gon put his own backpack down a little neater, laying it down carefully at the edge of the bed, before flopping down on it next to Killua. Holy crap that bed was soft! Gon immediately giggled and rolled around on it.

“Maybe we can sneak away and explore the island instead,” Killua grinned mischievously.

“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea,” Gon frowned.

“Why not?”

“There are … things on this island.”

“You’re gonna have to be a little more specific than that.”

“I wish I could be. All I know is that they sound and smell like animals, but also not really. Reminds me a bit of the Chimera Ants.”

Killua immediately tensed. “So no reckless exploring. Got it. Let’s ask Bisky about it next chance we get. Are there any in the house?”

Gon closed his eyes and focused on his nose and ears instead. It was a little difficult to tell. There were so many sensations in this house. A plethora of scents from all over the place, though the noises seemed to be coming mostly from outside.

“Doesn’t seem like it,” Gon answered when he opened his eyes again.

“I don’t feel any strange presences either,” Killua added. “Let’s go explore the house, then!”

“Okay!”

The first thing they did was to run out to the nearest balcony and hop on the roof and scan the area. The island was pretty big, actually. Not nearly as big as whale island, but too big to see to the end of it. Most of it was covered by forest, though Gon could smell fresh water. There had to be a lake or a river somewhere here, which meant there was a wellspring. There was a wide open field between the house and the forest, where quite a bit of activity was happening. Those had to be Bisky’s students.

They raided the kitchen next and Gon was oddly reminded of their time on the airship during the Hunter Exam when they sat down in the living room with snacks and sweets in hand, and watched the sea through the huge windows.

“You know, I’ve been to the sea a lot since I met you,” Killua thought out loud.

“How so?” Gon asked.

Killua hummed at that. Probably trying to organize his thoughts well enough to answer. Gon was more than happy to wait.

“Well, it’s not like my house is anywhere near the ocean.” Killua finally answered. “And I guess most of my jobs just happened to be in landlocked places. I’ve only seen the ocean two or three times before the Hunter Exam. Then I met you and suddenly, I see it all the time. During the exam. On Whale Island. In Yorknew. On Greed Island. Even a few times with Kite.”

Gon didn’t know what to say to that. The idea of not seeing the ocean on a regular basis was somewhat strange to him. The longest time he’d ever gone without it was from when he’d arrived in Padokea to go see Killua in his home, to when they left the Heaven’s Arena to go back to Whale Island, and that had been … a half a year maybe?

“In the year we were apart, I took Alluka to the ocean a few times,” Killua continued. “Every single time I did, I thought of you. I think it’s because I’ve seen so much more of the world than you have, but almost all of my memories of the ocean include you somehow. I didn’t make the connection back then, but I was just wondering to myself how many more oceans I could see, and when I tried to count how many it’s been, I realized I’ve seen almost all of them with you.”

Gon still didn’t know what to say to that, but for completely different reasons now. It wasn’t often that Killua shared his thoughts like this. Not even with Gon. It had been a rarity even before East Gorteau, but after that, it had truly become a once in a blue moon event (he didn’t count the few times he had opened up about his troubles with Alluka, that was something he did when he was desperate and didn’t know where else to turn to). So this felt like something big. Like maybe Killua felt safe enough with Gon to let him in. Just a little bit. Gon wanted to think it was the result of all his hard work in the last few months.

“It’s a dumb thought, I know,” Killua mumbled, a faint blush on his cheeks and oops, Gon had been quiet for too long.

Time for some slight damage control.

“Not at all,” Gon cried. “I’m the same! Whenever I was looking at the clouds, or the stars or the ocean, I was thinking of Killua. Or when I was eating something sweet, or when I saw kids playing with each other, or when I watched the sailors in the village gamble, or when there was a thunderstorm. I was always … always … thinking of Killua.”

Right. He’d spent an inordinate amount of time thinking of Killua. He hadn’t even noticed at the time. Because being together with Killua had been as natural as breathing, so thinking of Killua when they were apart, thinking of Killua had been the next best alternative. Maybe that’s why he’d been so attached the first few weeks after they reunited. Because he’d finally been able to breathe again.

“I missed you …” Gon said.

He hadn’t meant to say that, really. The words were out of his mouth the moment he thought them. Not like it mattered, he meant it.

“I know!” Killua rolled his eyes. “You told me practically every five minutes for a while, remember?”

He tried to look annoyed about it, but it didn’t quite work. Because the way Gon had said those words was different from how he had said them before. They had felt a little more … vulnerable, somehow. Like there were other things he was saying at the same time. Other feelings he was trying to convey. He wasn’t entirely certain what those things and feelings were, but they were there. And Killua was sensitive, of course he’d be affected by that. So instead of annoyance, there was yet another puzzle of emotions on his face for Gon to put together. Conflicted, maybe. A little embarrassed. Definitely happy. Perhaps relieved?

“Gon …” Killua started.

He never got to hear what Killua was going to say though, because out of seemingly nowhere, a presence appeared that sent shivers down both their spines and put them on high alert.

“~ What’s this? What’s this? ~” came a sing-song voice from behind the couch Gon was sitting on.

A man? Woman? Person! A person followed the voice, wearing an eerily wide smile, as well as a lab coat over what looked to be a skintight sky blue hazmat suit. Gon wasn’t sure what it was, but he already didn’t like this person.

“~ What an odd Nen-signature ~” The person continued, still singing their words. “~ I’ve never seen anything like it. No, no, I haven’t. I want to study it. Stuuuudy it! ~”

Before Gon could respond, he was grabbed by the collar and yanked backwards, next to Killua who had gotten to his feet.

“Pat, I take it?” he said, voice low and dangerous.

“~Why yes, yes ~. Bisky told you?”

“More like she warned us,” Killua hissed.

“Warned you? ~ Yes, yes, appropriate. She knew, she knew. I want to know, toooo. Let me study your Nen~.”

Pat moved like they were made of fog, sliding down the carpet and around Gon and Killua without ever really touching them, only stopping when they were nose to nose with Gon. Though they weren’t looking into his eyes, which made the entire experience only more unnerving.

“~ Interesting. So iiiiinteresting ~” Their eyes narrowed and their smile got impossibly wider. “~You’re not human, are you?~”

The chills that ran down Gon’s spine at those words froze him in place. His hands shook, his breathing stopped, his heart hammered in his ears. For a moment, he forgot where he was, what he was doing, who he was with. It was just him and this person wrapped around him, and they were dangerous in a way Gon couldn’t comprehend. Maybe … maybe it was safer to kill.

Then suddenly, Killua was between them. His assassin's claws were out, face dangerously neutral and sparks of electricity flying off his body. Thank god. Gon had entirely forgotten he wasn’t alone.

“Stay away from Gon, you creep!” Killua hissed.

“Ki- Killua,” Gon huffed.

“Yeah, I’m right here.”

RIght here. Killua was right here. At Gon’s side. Like it should be. Nothing could have been more of a relief than hearing those words from him.

“Oooooh, electricity!” Pat exclaimed, a sudden sparkle in their eyes. “Such an interesting choice of Hatsu! Powerful, but fickle. It must take an enormous toll on your body! Doesn’t it hurt? How do you resist it? How do you keep it contained? With what techniques do you apply it? What are the conditions for using it? Tell me everything!”

“Uuuhhh …” Killua said.

Yep. That’s kind of where Gon was right now, too. The sudden shift in attitude was such a whiplash, he almost felt a little dizzy. Any sense of danger he’d gotten from that person was suddenly entirely gone and they seemed … likable. The contrast alone left Gon even more frazzled. He could no longer tell how to classify this person. That had never happened before.

“Pat, how many times do we have to go over this?” Bisky barked as she walked into the room, Alluka right on her heels. “You touch my students and I’ll have your Hunter’s license revoked. Which means no more Association benefits, which means no more researching.”

“Tch,” Pat scowled, but they still obediently put distance between themselves and Gon and Killua.

“I have a different research object for you,” Bisky continued, putting her hand on Alluka’s back. “This is Alluka.”

Immediately, Pat’s eyes went wide and before Gon could even blink, they had closed the distance between themselves and Alluka. She squeaked and quickly hid behind Bisky. So even Alluka was scared of this person.

“~ What’s this? What’s this? ~” They sing-sang again.

That creepy feeling was back, causing shivers to run up and down Gon’s spine. He was starting to think his stay here might be exhausting for reasons other than Bisky’s training. Killua looked like he was about to jump between them like he had done for Gon earlier. It was only a hard look from Bisky that kept him rooted in place

“~ Two Nen-signatures? In one body? How iiintersting. I want to study it ~”

Bisky sure as hell hadn’t been kidding when she said that Pat knew more about Nen than anyone else. Nobody had been able to tell that Alluka had two Nen-signatures before, not even Ging. To top it off, they had figured out that Gon wasn’t entirely human. Something he himself, until this very moment, hadn’t been entirely certain about. His instinct had been right; this person was dangerous in ways Gon had never encountered before.

~ But what’s this? What’s this? Both of those signatures are diiiiifferent. ~ You’re a specialist, aren’t you? ~ And a powerful one at that. ~ Is that why you brought her to me?”

“That’s right. Help us figure out what her ability is,” Bisky answered.

“~Ooooh, but it’s my pleasure! ~ And the other Signature?”

Bisky looked at Alluka, and Gon wasn’t entirely certain why he was surprised that Pat didn’t follow her gaze. Until he observed that Pat wasn’t actually looking Bisky in the eye. They’d probably missed the cue.

“I … I don’t know yet,” Alluka stammered, eyes snapping from Bisky to Pat and back. “Give me a few days to decide.”

“You heard her,” Bisky said. “Now, did you leave your lab just to scare my students? Or did you actually need something.”

Pat turned to Gon, though they still refused to look into his eyes. Their smile turned harmless again (which somehow only made it feel more threatening), before they turned back to Bisky.

“Just wanted to say hello to the newcomers.”

With that, Pat slid away from Alluka and Bisky and left the room.

“You weren’t kidding when you said they were eccentric,” Killua said. “Honestly, I think ‘batshit insane’ is the better term to use here.”

More like dangerous. Gon would have to make sure to stay as far away from that person as possible. Which … how on earth had they managed to sneak up on them? Gon hadn’t smelled or heard anything. Killua had also been surprised by their appearance, meaning he hadn’t sensed anything. This didn’t bode well. Would Gon even be able to keep his distance?

“Come on, let’s go,” Bisky ripped him out of his thoughts. “I need to introduce you to my other students.”

The training grounds were exactly what Gon had expected them to look like; a militaristic boot camp type setup. Only eleven people were there, but Gon had a feeling that more students could be found in other places. Perhaps in some rooms in the house, or in the woods, or even in the water. Bisky was nothing if not resourceful when it came to training her students, after all. It was also almost immediately clear which ones among those people had not actually received training from her yet. It was hard to say what exactly made it so obvious though. It was more of a feeling than anything specific, though more than just Gon’s instincts. Killua and Alluka were also frowning at the training applicants. Were they trying to put their finger on it, too?

“About half of the people are here. That’s good enough, I suppose,” Bisky thought out loud.

It was all she needed to say to get everyone’s attention. Any and all activities stopped, and all eyes turned to them.

“Listen up, maggots!” Bisky hollered. “These guys here are Alluka, Killua and Gon. Alluka is a new student and usually that would mean that all of you can go ham on hazing her so long as it improves her Nen, but not this time. She’s an extra special case and there’s too much we don’t know, so we can’t take that risk. If I see any of you messing with her, I’ll assign you to Pat. Understood?”

Hmmm … Gon had a sinking feeling that people would try messing with her anyway, judging by the scowls and frowns that were being sent her way. Alluka would probably be more than capable of handling that herself and if it was up to Gon, he’d just sit back and watch that unfold. But Killua was next to him and Gon was pretty sure that he’d sink his claws into anyone who even so much as looked at Alluka funny before she or Bisky could take care of it.

…

Then again, this was Bisky. She might just keep the two of them occupied enough that they’d be too exhausted to do that even if they wanted to.

“Killua and Gon on the other hand, are talents I personally picked up,” Bisky continued.

There was a surprised murmur going through the rounds.

“I’ve already gone through several rounds of training with them, most of which they’ve completed in record time. Plus, they’ve been Hunters longer than most of you greenhorns, they’ve seen and done things you couldn’t even dream of. You’re welcome to try and haze them, if you want. See where it gets you.”

Gon pushed down a suffering sigh. What was it with veteran Hunters being nasty like this? Netero, Ging, Cheadle, and now Bisky. Why did they all keep twisting and turning their intentions like this?
“Your goading rather transparent,” came an oddly familiar voice from above. “I’d prefer to ask them for their help. Would that be acceptable?”

All four of them turned around and looked upwards, where a dark skinned woman sat gracefully on the railing of a balcony, looking like she had walked right out of a fashion magazine.

“Who the hell are you?” Bisky snarled.

Alluka on the other hand, was beaming.

“LAYLA!”

Chapter Text

“Layla, what are you doing here?” Alluka beamed when Layla hopped down from the balcony to join their small group on the ground.

“After I failed the exam, I thought I might want to hire a trainer,” Layla answered. “I did some research and discovered that one Miss Biscuit Krueger is said to be the best master in the Association. So I came here to ask for her services.”

“I am Biscuit Krueger,” Bisky snarled, crossing her arms. “But you already knew that, didn’t you?”

Layla just smiled sweetly.

“How did you find this place?” Biscuit demanded.

Layla just continued to smile and it said more than words ever could. Gon had to admit, he was a little impressed. Layla was definitely not your average person.

“I think she might already be a better Hunter than you and I ever were,” Gon whispered to Killua.

“Oh please! She comes from money. That can buy you anything, including information.”

Gon kept to himself that Killua also came from money, and they had still never managed to find any of their targets as fast as Layla had found hers. Besides, it appeared Bisky was of a similar opinion, because she uncrossed her arms and looked Layla up and down, wearing that slightly pensive frown she sometimes had when she was evaluating something.

“Props to you for finding me,” she finally said. “That doesn’t happen very often. You’d be talented enough to consider taking under my wing, but you said you failed the exam?”

“That is correct,” Layla answered.

“Then you’re disqualified. I only train licensed Hunters. Go find some other master.”

“But no other master would be worthy of this.”

At those words, Layla pulled out a small box and opened it. Inside was a small red gem. It was unassuming at first glance, but the longer Gon looked at it, the more he saw the oddities. The different shades of red and orange that seemed to swirl around each other in a spiral that Gon immediately identified as a Fibbonachi curve (yes, he remembered that lesson). The way the glow around it seemed to pulse as if imitating a heartbeat. The extremely subtle engravings that looked like the mysterious inscriptions on the box from GIng that Aunt Mito had given him when he had first returned back home, so faint that Gon doubted that anyone but him was even able to see them. No, this was definitely no ordinary gem.

“This is …” Bisky breathed, eyes wide and disbelieving.

“The heart Kena’ala. I heard on the grapevine that you recovered it decades ago from the mouth of an active volcano.”

Recovered it from what now? Had he heard that right? He looked at Killua, needing to know if his ears had deceived him. Killua seemed to have had the same thought, meeting Gon’s eyes with a look of utter befuddlement that undoubtedly mirrored his own.

“I thought the Brittanians had taken it,” Bisky said. “How did you get your hands on it?”

“The Brittanian museum is unsurprisingly corruptible,” Layla smiled. “And they owed us. My family has donated many an item to them.”

Bisky tore her eyes away from the gem to look at Layla instead. Her eyes narrowed.

“Who exactly are you?”

“My name is Layla. I am the heir to the Mansa Conglomerate.”

Bisky visibly relaxed. She looked Layla up and down once more, this time with a more self-assured expression. Looks like the world made sense for her again.

“So you’re the Belladonna princess,” She thought out loud, and Gon was not at all surprised that she was in the know. “That makes sense, I guess. And this is supposed to be a bribe?”

“I’d prefer to call it the object of your next hunt. You are a jewel Hunter, are you not?”

“Crafty bitch,” Killua muttered under his breath.

Gon couldn’t help but to agree. Not with the ‘bitch’ part - he liked Layla, she was an interesting person - but the general idea of the statement.

“You’re damn right I am,” Bisky declared. “You got yourself a deal, princess. Go join the fools on the field there and give me 200 pushups.”

It took a moment for Bisky’s words to register. Then -

“Wait, what? You’re going to let her bribe you?!?” Killua barked.

"Push Ups? Now? But … what?” Layla blinked.

“Are we gonna have to do those, too?” Alluka turned to Gon.

“You probably will,” Gon answered. “Killua and I will too, if we’re lucky.”

Because that meant Bisky wouldn’t throw anything more haggarding at them.

“Yes, now.” Bisky said to Layla matter of factly. “You wanted me to train to train you, right? Then go train!”

Layla gaped at her and Gon winced internally. He was reminded of the day Bisky had randomly decided to take their training into her own hands, no matter what their opinion was on it. He had been similarly confused at the time.

“What are you waiting for?” Bisky snapped. “Get going!”

This seemed to do the trick, more or less. Still obviously flabbergasted, Layla jumped into action and hopped down the stairs to the training field.

“Come to me when you’re done. We’ll be in the living room.” Bisky yelled after her, before turning back to Gon, Killua and Alluka. “Let’s go.”

She started walking back inside and the trio of siblings followed her dutifully.

“Killua, do you know why I’m one of the people the Association trusts with training Hunters?” Bisky continued talking.

Gon wasn’t entirely certain why she was asking this. As far as he was concerned, the answer was obvious.

“Isn’t it because nobody in their right minds would anger a gorilla?” Killua answered.

Bisky shot Killua into the ceiling for that and yep, that was one hundred percent deserved.

“Onii-chan, you shouldn’t bully Bisky,” Alluka chided.

“She’s the one bullying me,” Killua grumbled.

“The Association trusts me because bribing me is technically impossible,” Bisky explained.

“But someone did just bribe you, so that argument is invalid.” Killua shot back.

“But Killua,” Gon interrupted, “Bisky is a Double-Star Jewel Hunter. The people who are capable of getting their hands on something she wants can probably be counted on our hands, and most of them have got to be experienced Hunters. I think anyone who can get their hands on something to bribe her with absolutely should be trained.”

Bisky had that ‘proud mama’ smile on her face she sometimes did when Gon or Killua were doing especially well. It was all the confirmation Gon needed to know that he was right on the money.

“I see,” Killua said thoughtfully. “You’re right, I hadn’t considered that. Wait, did the Belladonna girl think that far?”

“I’m betting my beloved jewels on it,” Bisky answered

Rather than the living room, they ended up sitting down on one of the balconies outside of the living room, which suited Gon just fine. It was a beautiful day, there was no reason to not spend as much of it outdoors as possible.

“You know that girl?” Bisky asked when they were all situated.

“Layla? She took the Hunter Exam with me and we became friends,” Alluka beamed.

“How did she fail it?”

A fair question. By all outward appearances, Layla would make an excellent Hunter. She should have passed the test with flying colors.

“Beats me,” Killua drawled, crossing his arms behind his head. “Hunter proctors are weird creatures. I never really understood what their requirements for passing are.”

Really? It had always seemed kind of obvious to Gon, though.

“It’s because she gave up,” he explained. “All the ones who passed kept trying until the very end, even when it became obvious they couldn’t clear Cheadle’s passing conditions. Oh, and those who evolved in some way.”

“For real?” Killua asked.

“Yeah. You didn’t notice?”

“I noticed everyone who gave up failed. But then some who didn’t give up also failed, so I figured it must’ve been something else. I never realized that evolving had anything to do with it. Ah, but now that you mention it, it kept getting harder and harder to keep possession of the ball …”

“Hmmm …” Bisky said. “She’s a smart girl. Resourceful and crafty. If I had to take a guess, I’d say that most things in life come easy to her, so she doesn’t know how to handle running up against a wall. Not the easiest problem to solve, but nothing I haven’t done before.”

“So you think she’ll pass the exam next year?” Alluka asked.

“That depends on her,” Bisky answered. “More importantly, though; Killua, you said there’s no quick way to get Nanika to come out on my command, right?”

“None that we know of.”

“And she’s the only one who can get Alluka’s nodes back under control once she’s paralyzed, correct?”

Killua looked to Gon.

“Correct,” Gon answered.

“Then we’ll have to put your training on hold for a little bit.” Bisky said. “I’ll need you with us when we’re working on Alluka.”

Unluckily for Gon and Killua, working with Alluka meant working with Pat. Luckily for them, working with Pat would not happen until tomorrow, as they were unwilling to stop whatever they were currently experimenting on. Unluckily for them, this meant that Bisky did, in fact, start training them today.

I’m just going to assess you for today. Activate your Ren and maintain it until you go to sleep. You can go do whatever you want in the meantime.

That’s what she had said. Thus, Killua and Gon had decided to set up their room. The second set of furniture had arrived. An extra bed, an extra nightstand, an extra closet, and even an extra desk. Bisky had really gone all out for them. The one issue was that everything was just kind of haphazardly placed wherever there had been room, leaving it up to them to decide how they wanted it set up. It was a nice gesture in its own way.

“Beds next to each other or opposite each other?” Killua asked.

“Next to each other.” Gon decided.

So they pushed bed number one to the side and placed bed number two next to it. The rest was decided without even really having to talk about it. The nightstands were put between the beds, the closets next to each other on one side of the room, the desks on the wall with the door, and the wall with the windows and the door to the balcony was left bare. It didn’t even take them an hour to set everything up. The next issue would be unboxing. It hadn’t specifically been said, but it was safe to guess that Bisky had offered them this place as a temporary home until they found one of their own. Thus, all of their stuff had been shipped here and put in the attic. It only took a few trips to bring all of their boxes downstairs. Gon had never really owned much, and the vast majority of Killua’s possessions were probably still in the Zoldyck mansion. A few extra clothes, the old TV (“we really need to buy a new one”, Killua said, looking at it like it had somehow personally offended him), Killua’s video game consoles, a few books (mostly school books), and some small knick-knacks.

The result was a cozy place to spend a few weeks in (or maybe months, you never knew with Bisky), and to come back to every once in a while like they had done with Whale Island. This wasn’t just a hotel room. It wasn’t Gon’s room or Alluka’s room that was temporarily shared. No, this was their room. His and Killua’s. The thought of that made something deep inside of him ache.

“It needs a few more things,” Killua decided, and that’s how they ended up sitting down and making a list of things they wanted to buy.

“First off, a new TV. The one we brought from your place is ancient. I want one of those new flatscreens. We’ll need a cupboard or something to put it on, too. And something to sit on while we play or watch movies. I don’t think a couch will fit in here, but maybe we could get some beanbags. And we should start a movie collection! I don’t think VCRs are gonna be around much longer, so let’s go straight for a DVD player. I’m also gonna want a few new skateboards and we should also get …”

Gon didn’t really have that much of an opinion on what to get or how he wanted the place to look, so he was more than happy to let Killua go wild. The only things he did add to the list were a bunch of books on zoology, a large world map, and some fairy lights. By the time they were done, the list was a full page long.

“We should ask Aunt Mito if she can think of anything,” Gon thought out loud.

“Good idea!” Killua beamed. “Let’s go ask her right now!”

Said and done. The two raced down the halls to Aunt Mito’s room, who was still setting up her room. She was sitting on the ground, looking through some photos when they knocked on her open door, and immediately, Gon knew what he wanted to fill his room with.

“Hello boys,” Aunt Mito smiled at them. “Have you settled in yet?”

“More or less,” Killua answered. “What’cha looking at?”

He plopped down next to Aunt Mito. Gon followed his example and sat down on her other side.

“I found some old family pictures. After Ging left, but before my parents died.”

It was a picture of a young Aunt Mito, probably around five years old, playing in the field in front of their house with what had to be her parents. She looked happy and carefree. The smile on her face reminded Gon of his own. It was nice to know that he had inherited something from the one person he considered a parent, let alone something as beautiful as a smile.

“It’s a lovely picture,” Gon said.

“Who took it?” Killua asked.

“My uncle. Ging’s father,” Aunt Mito answered. “He loved taking photos. He took some of just about everything and everyone. I’m thinking of taking up the hobby myself. It might be nice to document my travels.”

“Should we buy you a phone with a camera function?” Killua asked again.

“That’s an amazing idea,” Gon beamed. “Then we could give you our numbers and you could send us the photos from wherever you are!”

Aunt Mito giggled at that. “I’ll think about it. Have you two finished setting up your room yet?”

“Yep,” Gon answered.

“We even put a list together of things we want to buy,” Killua added.

“We were wondering if you could have a look at it and tell us if we should add anything.”

This made Aunt Mito laugh again.

“Since when have the two of you become so responsible? I was convinced I’d have to chase you down and force you to finish unpacking.”

Killua pulled a face at that, while Gon stuck out his tongue sheepishly. She might have had to do just that if Bisky hadn’t told them to keep their Ren activated. It prevented them from doing anything too taxing, like joining the other students out on the field.

“All right, show me that list of yours,” Aunt Mito said.

It was a pretty complete list, so Aunt Mito didn’t have much to add. Three or four sets of bed sheets (the ones they had at home would not suffice for two sets of beds), some towels, a laundry basket or two depending on how they wanted to handle their laundry, and one or two extension cables, at least one shelf for their personal possessions, and they were set.

“But wait a few days before you order,” Aunt Mito said. “You never know what else might pop into your head in the meantime.”

“Sounds reasonable,” Killua said, but his eyes narrowed when he noticed the expression on Aunt Mito’s face. “Whyyyy are you smiling like that?”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Aunt Mito smiled and the tease in her voice told Gon that it absolutely wasn’t nothing. “You just seem to be having a lot of fun. Setting up your new home. Together.”

It took a moment, but then something must have clicked for Killua because his face lit up like wildfire.

“WHA - YOU - THAT’S NOT - WE’RE NOT -” He spluttered.

Gon absolutely did not understand that reaction. But then, Killua was just weird about some things. This was probably one of them.

“Yep,” Gon therefore beamed. “We are. It’s tons of fun!”

Aunt Mito snorted at that, and Gon couldn’t shake the feeling that she was laughing at him, rather than because of him. It only left him more confused.

“SHADDAP!” Killua screeched. “YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT YOU’RE EVEN SAYING, SO JUST BE QUIET! WE’RE LEAVING!”

He grabbed Gon by the collar and dragged him away. Honestly, Gon was still pretty confused, but it’s not like there was any stopping Killua when he was like this, so he just let it happen.

“See you later, Aunt Mito,” he waved at her before Killua could drag him out of the room.

Aunt Mito waved back innocently.

“Killua,” Gon started, not letting the fact that he was being dragged across the hallways bother him.

“No!” Killua answered.

Gon ignored that. “Aunt Mito was right, you know? I really do like putting together our room with you.”

Killua’s face was on fire. “Gon, will you please shut up!”

Gon did not shut up. “But it’s true! It makes things feel more permanent.”

Killua did actually pause at that, his face returning to normal.

“What things?” He asked.

“You and me things,” Gon answered dutifully. “I want to stay with Killua forever. I know we said we’d always stay friends when we separated at the world tree, but to be honest, I didn’t like not knowing how long it’d take to see each other again. I especially didn’t like that there was a chance we’d never see each other again. Having a shared home that we’re both putting together with each other makes it feel like that would never happen.”

Killua was silent for too long, still dragging Gon through the hallways, but refusing to look at him. He had to be thinking stupid thoughts again.

“I want us to stay friends forever, too,” Killua admitted, “but you should never say never.”

That was a worrying statement. What on earth was going through Killua’s head to elicit such a response? Gon understood that Killua was hypersensitive to any perceived clues that Gon no longer wanted him around, but he had just stated that the opposite of that was true. He’d done so twice in a single day, actually. So why did it seem like Killua was waiting for the shoe to drop? Did Gon’s reassuring actually have the opposite effect?

“Ugh, I’m pooped!” Killua groaned when they reached their room, throwing himself on his bed.

Gon followed his example on his own bed. They’d been traveling for several days to get here, after all, and had an oddly full day. Couple that with having to keep their Ren going and yeah, he was pooped.
“How much longer do you think you can keep up your Ren?” Gon asked.

“At least another hour if we don’t do anything,” Killua answered. “But I think four hours might just be my limit.”

“Yeah, same here I think.”

Bisky was right, they had badly neglected their training. It had taken them a month to add two hours to their Ren before East Gorteau, but it’s been over a year since and they haven’t even added a single hour to their count.

“I’m pretty sure we’re gonna die this time,” Killua moaned. “The old hag is not gonna let us get away with this.”

“Haha, probably not,” Gon laughed a little helplessly.

“What do you say to just loafing around for a while? I don’t really feel like doing much more of anything today.”

Understandable. Today somehow felt like it had gone on forever.

“Yeah. I’m okay with that.”

‘A while’ turned out to be a half an hour at most before sleep took over. They didn’t even have dinner that evening.

Chapter Text

Bisky’s room was almost disturbingly pink and frilly. It did absolutely everything to heighten the already barely suppressed panic running through Gon’s blood. The cuplrit? Pat. They single handedly made all of Gon’s alarm bells go off the moment he’d laid eyes on them today. Bisky, Alluka and Pat seemed to be blissfully unaware, but Killua had noticed and stuck close to Gon. It was a small but appreciated comfort. Gon was honestly not sure if he’d be able to keep a calm head without Killua by his side.

“... and once she’s in that state, she’s entirely unresponsive. Killua or I have to call out Nanika to take over and get her Nen back under control,” he finished explaining.

“~Such interesting symptoms~,” Pat sing-sang again.

Every single hair on Gon’s body was standing upright every time Pat did that. The sing-song voice, that is.

“But you missed something important,” they continued. “Zetsu doesn’t erase Nen awareness. It heightens it. If there are Nen-signatures she picks up in Ten but not in Zetsu, then it’s because her Aura is actively working on something.”

“That actually explains a lot,” Alluka thought out loud.

Bisky and Killua meanwhile, looked like they were questioning their entire existence for a moment. It was one of the first things one learned about Nen after all, and all three of them had completely overlooked that. And maybe Gon would have felt similar if his entire bandwidth wasn’t used on fighting down the panic, but it was and with every passing minute, every passing second, it was getting more difficult to control his breathing. He could already feel the cold sweat on his neck. Killua was here, Gon had to remind himself. Killua was next to him. It was the one thought that kept him tethered to reality.

“So then our next step is to find out what Alluka’s Aura is doing once it's released,” Bisky concluded.

“~Coooooorrect~” Pat sang. “Shall we get to it, then?!”

It was Killua’s turn to tense and that somehow managed to help Gon calm down a little bit. Because Killua was an emotional being and being the grounding force when he was bouncing off the walls was Gon’s role. It was familiar territory.

“What are you gonna do exactly?” Killua almost snarled.

“Nothing you need to freak out over,” Bisky explained, gently guiding the two of them a few steps away from the couch Alluka was sitting on. “Pat is a Specialist as well. Their Nen Ability is to control other people’s Aura. They’re going to use that to figure out what Alluka’s Aura is doing and how to make it stop.”

That …. was somehow terrifying. Fitting. A terrifying ability for a terrifying person.

“Isn’t that way too powerful an ability?” He asked.

“There are restrictions and conditions of course,” Pat answered. “Especially if my target is a Nen-User. ~That’s why, Alluka dear, I’ll need you to not put up any resistance~.”

Killua tensed even more at those words, his pupils becoming almost dangerously small. Gon could tell that he was just so holding his own bloodlust at bay. One wrong move from Pat and their head would most likely be rolling. So Gon took a deep breath, fought down as much panic as he could, and grabbed onto the hem of Killua’s shirt. Not direct contact, but enough to remind Killua that he was here, and also to stop him in case he did anything stupid (a possibility that rose significantly whenever Alluka was involved.)

Alluka looked a little uncertain herself, but closed her eyes dutifully. Immediately, Gon activated Gyo in his eyes, right before she released her hold on her Zetsu. The backlash was immediate. Her eyes snapped open, her breathing turned desperate and her entire body went limp. There was nothing to see, though. As far as Gon could tell, her Ten was functioning exactly like it should. Next to him, Killua went so tense, he was certain to snap if Gon’didn’t tighten his hold on him.

“~Iiiiinteresting~” Pat sing-sang again. “~I’ve never seen anything like this! How exciting!~”

Gon really, really wished they would just get on with it. Even if Gon knew that this state wasn’t dangerous for her, it still wasn’t pleasant watching her shut down like this.

“Guess there was no need to worry about her fighting back,” Pat thought out loud, before extending their hand and closing their eyes.

Alluka’s Aura was a gorgeous green. Bright and vibrant and lush. It reminded Gon of fresh grass and forests in spring. Gon had never really considere that colors could have an opposite the way light and dark were opposites of one another, but the color of Pat’s Aura changed his mind. It was a dark, dirty, muddy red. Reminiscent of old, dried blood. The color of death and decay and everything Alluka’s Aura was not.

Which made it downright sickening to watch as Alluka’s beautiful green Aura slowly but surely took on that same sickening red color. Gon’s heart rate spiked. His breath turned short. This couldn’t be allowed. If her Aura changed completely -

“STOP!”

Gon only realized he had been the one to bellow that command a second or two after it had left his mouth. At first glance, he didn’t even know whom he had yelled it at. There was Pat taking over Alluka’s Aura of course. And next to him was Killua, whose hand had turned into an assassins claw and who was crouching like he was about to strike. On his other side was Bisky, who must have noticed Killua and had gathered Ko in hand to knock him out. But Gon knew the answer the moment he came back to himself; because instead of Alluka, Nanika was the one glaring at Pat. Though she looked nothing like herself. Her skin was pitch black instead of pearly white, her eyes a pair of white glowing orbs, her mouth contorted into a snarl, and her Aura still building, but an oppressive pitch black. It was when he saw her that Gon realized that it wasn’t Pat that had made him so anxious all morning long. It was this. The feeling that they were going to cause something dangerous. Off the top of his head, Gon could not think of anything more dangerous than a furious Nanika.

Amazingly, Gon was the only one who had noticed. Or maybe not. After all, Alluka hadn’t even started transforming yet by the time he had shouted at her. That left the other three to stare at her in wide-eyed horror. (Really, it was more like Killua and Bisky were staring in wide-eyed horror, Pat was staring in wide-eyed glee).

“Nani … ka?” Killua whispered.

“~What’s this?~” Pat sing-sang. “~Is that the other Nen-signature? Is it? Is it?~”

"It is,” Gon answered, trying to keep his voice steady despite every damn cell in his body telling him to grab Nanika and drown her in the ocean. “This is Nanika. Our other sister, and the being that shares a body with Alluka. Who really needs to calm down!"

Nanika’s head turned to face him instead and holy crap was that horrifying. Nanika was dangerous. He should be afraid of her. Why had he forgotten that? He should never have forgotten that! He needed to kill that thing! Kill it right now! It was stronger than him, no doubt. Definitely, he’d die trying to kill it. But oh, wouldn’t that just be so much fun! He bit down on his tongue instead, desperately trying to hold on to whatever was left of his rationality.

“ThEy HuRT AllUkA.”

Crap, even her voice was unsettling. Coming out in echoes and reverbing around the room as if it came from everywhere and nowhere all at once. Gon bit his tongue harder and tasted blood. “No Nanika, they’re not hurting her. They’re trying to help her. They just need to be a bit invasive to do so.”

Nanika clearly didn’t understand and refused to let up. It was downright painful standing next to her, fighting down his instincts to fight fight fight. Every bet the only reason he could was because she hadn’t attacked anyone yet.

“Imagine someone has a broken bone,” Gone continued trying. “And whoever fixes that doesn’t have powers like yours, so they’ll have to cut up the skin and the muscles to get to the bone and fix it. It’s kind of like that. Do you understand?”

She did understand. Her skin turned white again, her eyes black, her Nen changed from Ren back to Ten. Thank god. Gon did not know how much longer he could’ve faced Nanika down like this without doing something drastic. He fell to his knees in sheer relief.

“No danger?” Nanika asked.

"No,” Gon answered. “No danger.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

He held out his pinky for her to grab, too weak-kneed to get up and go to her. She took the invitation happily, the smile finally back on her face, hopped over to him, and let herself fall to her knees to link her pinky with his. The contact alone sent cold shivers down Gon’s spine. It was the aftermath of the near-devouring all over again.

Swallow … thousand needles,” Nanika chirped.

“S-sealed with a kiss,” Gon somehow managed to stutter out.

“Love you, Gon-nii,” Nanika beamed.

He wasn’t able to return that. Not when 100% of his emotions towards her right now consisted of bone-chilling fear. He did manage to force his hand to pat her head though, a gesture she answered with a delighted little noise. It soothed something in Gon’s heart and he finally managed to relax. Marginally.

Then, Nanika shifted to look behind Gon, and that’s when he remembered that it wasn’t just the two of them in the room. He turned around to follow Nanika’s gaze and found Bisky, pale, sweaty and barely daring to breathe, holding on to Killua. Killua, who looked like he had tried everything in his power to run away judging by the bruises on his arm where Bisky had a hold of him. So now, he looked like he was about to faint from sheer terror. Pale, sweating, eyes wide and panicked, dilated pupils, panting heavily, entire body tense as an arrow. Gon swallowed down as much of his fear as well as he could. There was damage control to do.

"I don’t think you should talk to him right now,” Gon turned back to Nanika. “You scared him a little.”

“Nanika … did bad?”

“No. Nothing like that. You were trying to protect Alluka, there’s never anything wrong with that. But you understand that you’re powerful, don’t you?”

Nanika nodded.

“And that we don’t really understand your power, right?

Nanika nodded again.

“Those two in combination can be scary sometimes. That’s not your fault and it doesn’t make you a bad girl. We just have to learn to handle that.”

Nanika went silent, taking a few seconds to process that information.

"‘Kay,” she finally answered and when she next blinked, Gon was looking into two wide blue eyes.

“Should I leave?” Alluka asked?

Gon glanced behind him before answering. Bisky’s breathing had stabilized a bit and Killua was not entirely frozen anymore, even if all he seemed to be able to do was glance from Gon to Alluka and back.

“Yeah, I think that might be for the best,” he said. “Will you be okay?”

“Probably,” Alluka answered, her voice dropping so low that only Gon could hear it. “to be honest, I really wish you would hold me and let me cry into your shoulder right now. But … but I can go find Layla. She’ll let me do that. You need to take care of onii-chan. He’s not looking very good.”

Gon didn’t answer that. What was he supposed to say anyway? No answer he came up with seemed appropriate right now. So he just watched as Alluka stood up and left the room. Immediately, his own breaths came easier, too. He hadn’t even noticed how difficult breathing had been until now. He took a few large gulps of air and immediately, his brain felt like it was working again. All right, time to get to work. Best start with Pat.

“I think you should leave too, Pat,” Gon said.

“Yes yes,” Pat snarled. “No one wants the crazy scientist to interrupt their private time. It’s not like I wasn’t scared out of my mind too or anything.”

Gon raised his eyebrows at that.

“What? It’s true! It just so happens that I was just as delighted as I was scared. ~I can’t wait to work with our darling Alluka again~”

With that, Pat slithered out the door. Now it was only him, Killua and Bisky. Both of them looked like they had calmed down at least a little bit. Just enough to catch themselves. Bisky was the first to act, noticing that Killua was no longer in flight mode and so she let go of him. Immediately, Killua’s knees gave way and he fell to the floor. Gon dove to catch him.

“You okay?” Gon asked.

Killua nodded softly, which was all Gon needed to know that he was very much not okay. So Gon gently placed both of them on the ground before looking back up at Bisky.

“Don’t you dare ask!” Bisky said before Gon could even open his mouth. Her voice was quivering. She sounded angry in a barely restrained way and Gon immediately braced himself. “What the hell was that just there?”

“I’m not sure,” Gon answered. “I’ve never seen Nanika like this either so I -”

“If I was talking about Nanika, I would’ve asked the person who grew up with her!” Bisky barked. “I’m talking about you! What did you do?!?”

What? Him? What was she talking about? The only thing he’d done was stay rooted on the spot while he tried his best to keep his fight or flight response under control.

“I don’t know what you mean …” He said.

“Your Aura, Gon! It was just for a moment, but it changed into something … something unrecognizable. Into something much more sinister than Nanika’s. Don’t tell me you didn’t even notice!”

His Aura … changed? But … wasn’t Aura supposed to be the life force of a person? How could it just … change?

“No, I didn’t … I didn’t even know Aura could do that.”

“Because it can’t,” Bisky snarled. “At least I thought it couldn’t. Obviously I was wrong. Is this the first time or has this happened before?”

How was he supposed to answer that? He hadn’t even realized it had happened this time!

“I don’t know. Maybe?”

“It’s happened before,” Killua piped in.

Gon had entirely forgotten that he was still in his arms. And when he, however feebly, tried to free himself from Gon’s hold, he remembered that Killua still didn’t like being held. The fact that he had allowed Gon to hold him tight for this long spoke volumes.

“Talk!” Bisky ordered.

“It’s not entirely new,” Killua began. “Gon’s always been a bit … different when he’s angry, and when he gets to fight someone he doesn’t think he can beat. But … I don’t know if it started when he … he … came back … or when he regained his Nen, or maybe it was something else entirely. But ever since, his Aura somehow changes sometimes. Especially when he’s angry, but also other times. It doesn’t always change the same way, or with the same intensity. There was this one time while I was training with Alluka when it felt the way it did in East Gorteau. When he was falling apart. But even then, it was never like this. He never seemed to notice, so I’ve been observing him instead, trying to find some kind of pattern, but …”

… For real? He did that? His Aura did that? And Killua had noticed? He’d been observing him? Gon had never noticed, not even once. When he always noticed everything about Killua. Because it was Killua. Except, apparently, when it came to himself. It felt like a gutpunch.

“Gon,” Bisky turned back to him. “Last time we met, you told me that your Nen had been sealed and you spent a year reawakening it. Is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“You must have paid some kind of price for that. What was it?”

This again …

“Nothing,” Gon answered honestly.

“Think deeply, Gon. Your curse was unlike anything I’ve ever seen from a single person. Even with a literal miracle worker like Nanika in your corner, you don’t just walk away from that without consequences. You must have paid a price!”

Yeah, Gon had thought the same thing. The idea that he could do what he had done, forced as much out of his Nen as he had, and come out unscathed on the other end was downright asinine.Which was why he had been more diligent than ever during that year, paying attention to even the smallest sign of what that price might be. It’s why he was so certain.

“I mean it, Bisky. There was nothing. I promise!”

Bisky’s face darkened. She did not like that answer.

“Killua!” She barked, and out of what had to be sheer muscle memory, he straightened up. “Have there been any other changes?”

“A few yes, but most of those could be explained away by improvements. Getting stronger, getting older, maturing, stuff like that.”

Gon’s breath stopped short at that answer. He hadn’t really felt like he’d changed. He hadn’t observed any changes. But then again, the last two or so months had taught him that he could not trust his own perception of himself.

“Let me hear them anyway.”

Killua obeyed.

“The most stark one is how his senses have sharpened. I mean, they’ve always been almost inhumanly sharp, but it’s gotten downright uncanny. He was able to see in the depths of a cave without a single light source, smell an oasis from several miles away when we were lost in the desert, and could pinpoint the exact release points of temple traps by sound alone. His raw instincts sharpened as well. You saw how he stopped Nanika before she even began to act."

Okay, Gon had actually noticed that one. He’d just always chalked it off to natural improvement. Well … he guessed he had missed that his senses had sharpened to this extent. Enough for ‘hyperaware-of-everything-all-the-time-Killua’ to think of them as uncanny.

“His wounds heal faster, too. That has also always been a thing with him. I remember when we were in Heaven’s Arena, Gon sustained injuries that should have taken four months to fully heal. Instead, it took only a month. I thought that was inhumanly fast back then, but then there was this one time he got hit by lightning in the middle of a storm and all his burns were gone a week later. There weren’t even any lichtenberg scars left.

“Which reminds me … it takes something like lightning to injure him to begin with. It’s like his body has turned into natural armor. We spared a lot while training Nanika and there were several times when I hit him strongly enough to break through a beginner’s Ken. He walked away without even so much as a bruise. I don’t even think he noticed.”

No … Gon really hadn’t noticed. This entire time, he’d been under the impression that Killua was entirely in training mode and made sure to keep any and all damage at a minimum so that they could get back up and continue training. Sounds like that impression had been very off.

“What worries me most though, is that he seems to have lost any and all interest in people,” Killua continued. “He’s as friendly and outgoing as ever, so people still flock to him. But he hasn’t made a single friend since we started traveling together again and I’m pretty sure it’s because he doesn’t want to get close to anyone anymore.”

Was that … ? No no wait, Killua had a point. They’d met plenty of fun and interesting people during their travels. Why had he not kept in contact with anyone? Why wasn’t there a single person among them he’d consider a friend? Even now, Layla was right here, in this house, and not only would Gon not consider her a friend, he couldn’t find any desire within himself to befriend her or spend more time with her than necessary. Not just that. He didn’t even remember what that desire felt like. He couldn’t remember ever having felt it, despite the fact that he knew he had. If nothing else, his friendship with Killua was proof of that.

“You’re right …” Bisky said. “All of that could be attributed to growth of some kind. Not to mention, a sacrifice is supposed to take something away. Aside from the people’s thing, all of these are gains. We must be missing something.”

Gon knew exactly what piece of the puzzle she was missing. As did Killua. The look he gave Gon was a desperate plea.

You need to tell her!

Because Killua wouldn’t. It wasn’t his secret to tell. If Gon wanted to continue keeping it a secret, Killua would go along with that, no matter what he thought on the matter. Not that Gon had any intentions of doing that. Killua was smart. Much smarter than Gon would ever be. If he thought it was best to tell Bisky, then that’s what Gon would do. Besides, Killua had trusted her with his own secrets. If he could share, then so could Gon.

“There is one more thing,” he therefore said. “Ging told me about my mother a few weeks ago. She … might be from the Dark Continent.”

Any and all traces of anger disappeared from her face. But what Gon hadn’t expected, was the look of stupefaction that followed to only last for a few seconds before she caught herself.

“You know what?” She said, her tone almost worryingly light, “that sounds exactly like something that bastard would do.”

Aah. Right. Bisky was a seasoned and well-renowned Hunter. Of course she would know his father well enough to not be surprised by that. Better than Gon did apparently (which really wasn’t hard, Gon still barely knew the man), because he had been surprised to hear that. Then again … out of all the people he knew, Ging really was the most likely to pull off something as crazy as coupling with someone from the Dark Continent.

“And keeping that from you until now?” Bisky continued, letting herself flop down on her frilly pink couch. “Yeah, that also checks out. Does explain quite a few things, though.”

Did it now? It had only opened up more questions for Gon. Mostly because of just how little information Gon actually had. And now that Ging was on his way to the dark continent, there was no way to get a hold of him anymore and ask. But maybe …

“Bisky,” Gon began, moving to sit on the equally frilly pink carpet in front of the couch, “do you maybe know my mother? Ging sounded like he’s truly madly in love with her. They must’ve been at each other’s sides constantly. Like me and Killua. If you know Ging, you must have seen her at some point! Maybe even talked to her!”

Gon completely and utterly missed the implications of his words, as well as the wild blush that spread from Killua’s head all the way down to his toes because of them. Lucky for both of them, Bisky missed it, too.

“Hmmm …. Can’t really think of anyone.” Bisky answered. “From what I hear, Ging has a large and very loyal group of friends. But whenever I saw him, he was very much alone. The only person who could ever be found at his side was Kite while Ging acted as his master.”

Right … of course it wouldn’t be that simple. Maybe … maybe Gon should trace his own steps. Go on another hunt for his parent. He didn’t have much of an interest in actually finding his mother the way he had wanted to find Ging, but maybe, if he went searching for her, he’d at least stumble over some answers.

“Ah, wait a minute, I just remembered something,” Bisky exclaimed and Gon was on alert immediately. “There was exactly one time when I saw Ging leaving with a woman who was waiting for him outside of the Association HQ. I remember being insanely jealous because she was taller than me in my true form and just as muscular, while still somehow managing to look beautifully feminine. Like I said, Ging is pretty much always alone, so the fact there was someone there waiting for him is noteworthy.”

So his mother was muscular. Not just strong, like Ging had said, but with a body that showcased that strength. A new piece of information. A new piece to add to the puzzle that was Gon’s heritage.
“Tell me more!” He begged. “What did she look like? What did her voice sound like? What did her Nen feel like? Was she even awakened?”

“I don’t know,” Bisky answered. “That was almost twenty years ago. Maybe even longer than that. I don’t remember what she looked like outside of what I already told you. But I do have a hypothesis now regarding what happened earlier.”

Gon swallowed thickly. He really wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear what Bisky had to say, but it was important so he ignored that feeling. It helped when Killua finally managed to get back on his feet and sat down next to him.

“If your mother is a human adjacent Dark Continent beast,” Bisky began, “then that would make you only half-human. But up until recently, you thought of yourself as just human. Like for most of us, your humanity is probably something important to you. Important enough that losing it would be a devastating loss. I’m thinking maybe the thing you sacrificed to reawaken your Nen was your human half.”

Ah … so that was what it felt like when your world turned upside down.

Chapter Text

The walk back to their room was silent and tense. Bisky had sent them away, telling them that any further training would be senseless with how frazzled everyone was. It was a bit of a shame, really. Gon would really love some exertion to keep his mind off the millions of thoughts and questions racing around in his head. For a few short moments, he had hoped maybe Killua would be willing to indulge him in some silly competition, but he was walking several paces behind Gon again, eyes firmly trained on the ground. His face was hidden beneath his wild mop of hair, but Gon could already guess at the absolute mess of emotions that was on it right now. Yet another problem Gon didn’t know how to solve. His patience with those had just about reached its limit.

“Killua,” Gon said, turning around to face him, “Why are you walking behind me?”

Killua didn’t answer. He probably didn’t know what to say. After all, the things that caused Killua to act this way were complex and many in number. Gon was hard pressed to believe that Killua understood most, if not any, of it. And even if he did, he wasn’t one to share. He’d rather lie and underplay it, except that there was no lying to Gon and Killua knew that. Better to keep quiet then. Gon was fine with that. Killua could stay silent all he wanted. It just meant Gon would push harder.

“Come here,” Gon smiled, holding out his hand for Killua to take. “I want you next to me.”

There it was again, the endlessly complex puzzle of emotions that sometimes made its home on Killua’s face. Fear. Hope. Doubt. Relief. Hurt. Want. Many, many more that Gon couldn’t even hope to decipher. Couldn’t begin to understand why Killua was feeling all those things to begin with. Killua’s lips were working. Stretching and pulling and clenching like they were about to open and spill the myriad of things Killua wanted to say. They never did. Gon should really look away. Pretend he didn’t notice how overwhelmed Killua was, give him space to sort himself out. But he refused to do that. Not this time! He would not allow Killua to run or hide away from him. Because Killua deserved only the best, only the kindest, only the warmest, and if Gon had to force all of that down his throat, then so be it!

It felt like an eternity, but Killua relented. Took a deep breath and began walking. It wasn’t until he was right next to him that Gon let his hand fall and fell into step with Killua. He was still looking at the ground. He still refused to let Gon be privy to his thoughts. Any self-confidence had once again been shattered. But at least they were side by side now. The way it should be, always!

The second happened later that evening. It was just like Bisky to give all of them, including herself, only the most minimal amount of time to recover from this morning’s shock and thus, they all found themselves back in Bisky’s extremely pink room before the sun had begun to set.

“And you’re certain Nanika won’t interfere again?” Bisky asked for the up tenth time.

“Yes, old - Bisky,” Killua snarled, clearly annoyed. “We both talked to her, we both explained the situation to her, we both made her promise not to come out or interfere unless Gon or I call her. Nanika doesn’t break promises.”

“But are you sure -”

“YES!” Killua yelled.

Gon honestly didn’t know what exactly made Bisky so nervous. It wasn’t like her. Despite it though, Gon was calm this time. Well … mostly. Pat still kind of gave him the chills, but that was mostly because they were unsettling, not because something felt dangerous like it had last time. Chances are, everything would be okay.

“Sheesh, no need to be touchy,” Bisky huffed.

Killua looked like he was trying very hard not to explode. Bisky, luckily, missed that, as she was busy turning back to Alluka and Pat.

“All right,” she said. “Ready to give this another go?”

“~ Born ready~” Pat sing-sang, while Alluka decided to stick to a hesitant nod.

“Allright, Alluka dear, close your eyes. ~And remember, no resistance~”

Alluka nodded again and took a deep breath. Gon opted out of using Gyo this time. Watching Alluka’s beautiful Aura turn into that dreadful color once had been enough for him. Instead, he leaned against the wall next to the door, waiting for the inevitable to happen. Moments later, Alluka’s head snapped back, her eyes wide, her gasps coming fast and shallow. That’s when Pat closed their eyes as well, held out their hand, and that’s how Gon knew the “treatment” had begun.

For a long time, nothing happened. No reaction, no movement, no noise outside of Alluka’s gasps, the grinding of Killua’s teeth, and the clock ticking second by second. Nothing seemed to happen until finally, finally, Pat spoke again.

“It appears this is going to take some time. I suggest you make yourself comfortable.”

“Should we leave?” Gon asked,

“Are you mental?!?” Killua hissed. “What if something goes wrong? Who’s going to call out to Nanika then?”

Ah. Yeah, Gon had entirely forgotten that this was a possibility. Just because his instincts didn’t ring any alarm bells right now didn’t mean that something bad wouldn’t happen later.

“You can go though,” Killua turned to Bisky. “We’re fine here without you.”

“Right!” Bisky said, thoroughly unimpressed. “And if something goes wrong and Gon reacts to Nanika even worse than he did last time, you’ll absolutely be able to stop him instead of running for your life.”
Ouch. Way to hit below the belt, Bisky. Killua didn’t even bother to grace this one with an answer, opting instead to slide down a corner and make himself small. Gon sat down next to him.

He supposed it was true that all three of them were needed here. Killua in case Nanika went berserk and Gon wouldn’t be able to reach her. Gon in case nobody could reach her and somebody needed to stop her with force. And Bisky to knock Gon out if he lost himself in his urge to fight. A foolproof setup. Pat seemed happy with it too (or at least they were just happy to get to work more on Alluka). They shrugged nonchalantly before getting back to work. Then, they waited.

And waited.

And waited.

At some point, Gon realized he had fallen asleep. Not a deep sleep. One of those alert sleeps, where even the smallest traces of movement will wake him up. He had noticed that when Killua shifted a little next to him and he found that all of a sudden it was dark. The next time he woke, Bisky was lying down on her bed. Then it was because Mito poked her head in, presumably to check on them. A few minutes later, he awoke again when she came in again with blankets to drape over him and Killua. One time, he awoke because Layla came to check on them. She looked terribly exhausted. Bisky had to be working her like a dog. The last time he woke up, the sun was beginning to rise and Alluka was getting off the couch. Gon immediately activated Gyo in his eyes and a small flicker of blue light next to him told him that Killua was doing the same.

There was no longer a lack of Aura around Alluka. Instead, there was a wall of lush green light around her, stable and strong. Gon smiled up at her, and Alluka smiled back.

“Good morning,” she whispered when she crouched down to meet them at eye-level.

“Good morning,” Gon and Killua whispered back.

“How are you feeling?” Killua asked.

“Like I’m soaking in a herbal bath,” Alluka answered. “It’s nice. Comforting.”

Gon smiled dopily at her. “Congratulations. You’re a real hunter now.”

“Not quite,” Bisky interrupted, groggily getting up from her bed. “There’s one more thing she needs to be able to do.”

Bisky left the room and a few confused glances and some groggy stretches from Pat later, she returned with a glass of water and a leaf on it. Ah, so that’s what’s been missing.

“You do remember that we already know what Alluka’s Nen Type is,” Killua said.

“Of course I do, I’m not stupid!” Bisky bit back. “But when it comes to specialists, each individual gets different results with this test. If we’re lucky, it’ll give us a hint as to what exactly Alluka’s Hatsu is.”
Is that how it worked? Gon didn’t know any specialists outside of Kurapika and Alluka, so he wouldn’t know.

“Now then, Alluka,” Bisky continued. “Place your hands beside the cup like so and purposefully push out your Aura.”

Ah, right. They’d never gotten around to teaching Alluka Ren. But then, seeing as she had learned how to stay in constant state of Zetsu within a few days, this should not at all be a problem for her. Thus, Gon was not all surprised when Alluka’s Ten flared into Ren, and the water in the glass began to move. This alone would have already been enough to classify Alluka as a specialist, but then a small string of water pushed the leaf out of the glass and latched on to Alluka’s thumb. And that’s where the Water Divination ended.

“Sooo … what does this mean?” Killua asked.

“No idea,” Bisky answered matter-of-factly. “Pat?”

“I have theories,” Pat said, looking oddly gleeful despite their pensive frown. “The reaction of the water is similar to the way Alluka’s Ten acted when she released her hold on her Zetsu. It was reaching out in a billion teeny tiny little strands, invisible to the human eye even with Gyo applied. As if it was searching for something to communicate with or to connect to. That same pattern is observable here, with the leaf working as a sort of inductor. I can’t be entirely certain yet what this means, I’d have to run a few more tests, but I do believe we can safely work under the assumption that one condition for Alluka’s Hatsu to properly function is the cooperation of a second living being, possibly sentient but not necessarily.”

That … was way too many words for Gon to wrap his head around. He understood exactly none of that.

“Wait a minute,” Killua chimed in. “We’ve always worked under the assumption that it was Nanika who’s possessing Alluka’s body. But if your hypothesis is correct, then there’s a real chance that it’s actually Alluka who’s binding Nanika to herself!”

“That is a possibility, yes.”

Oh, that one Gon did understand!

“Nanika said something along those lines once,” he said. “She said that she’s strong, but Alluka is stronger.”

“If Alluka is powerful enough to keep a being like Nanika bound and controlled, then we can forget about Nanika, and we can forget about Gon.” Bisky added. “The tre monster in the room would be …”

All heads in the room turned to look at Alluka.

“Me?” She squeaked.

Chapter Text

Bisky, as per usual, was merciless. She only allowed the three of them to have some breakfast - cooked by Aunt Mito - before starting her training regime. Pat, she explained, would be busy cooking up theories about Alluka’s Hatsu for the next few days, as well as possible experiments to find it and understand it. Thus, she took them outside to the training field, where several students had already begun. Including Layla, who was running laps around the field, still looking like a supermodel even in what had to be her training gear. The quick glances of animosity they were given were not lost on Gon. He wasn’t surprised by them, either. After all, they had hogged the one and only Biscuit Krueger for two whole days, and that after the introduction Bisky had given them. Everyone here had to wonder what they were all about.

“Ishak, get over here!” Bisky barked after scanning the place for a few seconds. “Layla, you too!”

A young man trotted over to them, probably around Layla’s age from the look of him, with brown skin and slanted eyes. He reminded Gon a bit of Hanzo. Maybe they were from the same country? He stopped in front of Bisky, while Layla stopped next to him only seconds later. They were an odd duo to look at. Gon had never seen two people with such similar skin colors look that different. Where Layla was beauty and grace personified, Ishak was all rough edges. Layla was tall even for a man, while Ishak was short even for a woman. Laya’s hair was curly, flowing and wild, while Ishak’s was short and perfectly straight. The only other thing they had in common was the poised self-confidence which they carried themselves.

“Out of all of my students, Ishak has been under my tutelage the longest,” Bisky explained. “He’s just about done here, too. As soon as I find a fitting master for him, he’ll be leaving.”

Ishak said nothing, opting for a stiff bow to Gon, Killua, and Alluka instead. Gon immediately liked him. He wasn’t certain why exactly, but he had a feeling that Ishak was an honest and earnest person.

“Ishak, this is Alluka, my newest student,” Bisky continued. “As you’ve already heard, she’s a bit of a special case. I want to know what she’s capable of, so you’re going to fight her.”

“I cannot,” Ishak answered. “It wouldn’t be right.”

Gon cocked his head to the side at that. That statement made little sense to him.

“I’ll rephrase the order then,” Bisky said. “Alluka, you are going to fight Ishak. Give it everything you’ve got. If that means you kill him, then so be it.”

Gon tensed a little at that. Alluka was a sweet and empathetic girl who hadn’t ever harmed a fly. Throwing her straight into a life and death match might be a little much, even for her. And yet, Killua, who was usually so overprotective of her, wasn’t even batting an eyelash.

“Do I have to fight him or can I just kill him straight away?” Alluka asked.

She said that with that same innocent smile on her face she usually wore. Ishak looked slightly unsettled by it, while Gon was left even more confused.

“You’re forgetting something, Gon,” Killua said, obviously having picked up on Gon’s confusion. “She’s the most wonderful girl in the world, yes, but she’s still a Zoldyck, and a brilliant one at that. I don’t think even Illumi is as comfortable with murder and torture as she is.”

Oh. Well that made sense. Gon had never killed anyone either until Kite taught him how, but he’d seen plenty of death growing up so the idea of it never scared him. Alluka was probably in a similar position. Actually, knowing what he knew about Nanika, death and killing had to be second nature to her. Gon had just never seen her in a position where that side of hers got to show itself. He was a little sad he hadn’t been allowed to see her during the Hunter Exam now. She was certain to have left behind some fun carnage.

“You’re free to try,” Bisky said. “But Ishak did complete my training successfully, so he’s no pushover. Don’t underestimate him just because you passed the Hunters Exam easily. Oh, and no cheating.”

Which was code for ‘you’re forbidden from using Nanika’. Alluka would have to fight this fight on her own.

“Layla, you’re going to sit next to me and watch. As for you two,” Bisky turned to Gon and Killua, “show me your Ren!”

Their Ren? What was that all about? Gon looked to Killua for answers, who seemed to have had the exact same idea, because he was looking at Gon with a similarly confused expression on his face. So Gon shrugged it off and projected his Aura outwards. Immediately, he felt Killua do the same thing next to him.

“Too weak” Bisky said. “Make it stronger! Extend it outwards until your Aura’s touch each other!”

Oh man. Gon had an idea of where this was going and he already didn’t like it. Still, he obeyed and pushed out as much of his Aura at once as he possibly could. It was just enough to feel his Aura brush against Killua’s. An odd sensation. He and Killua were so attuned to each other, they noticed the absence of each other’s Nen more than its presence. But feeling it like this, it was … different. It was somehow exhilarating, feeling Killua’s Aura. He felt … deep and … and vast and … turbulent and … and powerful. Gon had always known Killua was strong. Indomitably strong. Nothing and no one could hurt Killua. But just knowing it was one thing. Right now, Gon could feel it. The strength that was hidden in that lean body, the sheer power thrumming underneath his skin. It felt like an underwater current deep in the sea. Or maybe like a strong wind high up in the sky. A force of nature that could whip Gon back and forth without any chance of fighting back. That was what Killua felt like. It was somehow intimate. Like they were touching each other without actually touching each other. Like the soft brush of hands or breath against skin. He caught Killua’s eye, curious to hear what he thought of this sensation, but his face was perfectly relaxed. Not the neutral mask he was so good at wearing, but actually relaxed. Like he wasn’t feeling anything at all.

“Acceptable, I suppose,” Bisky said and just like that, Gon was pulled away from Killua and back to reality. “Now make sure your Auras keep touching until Alluka finishes her fight. I don’t care how you do it, but I’ll add an extra day to this training every time your Auras separate.”

Yep, he knew it. There was no other direction this could have gone into. On the one hand, yes it was intimidating to have to keep this up for who knows how long. On the flipside … getting to feel Killua like this for a prolonged period of time? Bisky didn’t even have to give him any punishment to motivate him to keep going. Right now, Gon couldn’t even imagine ever wanting to feel anything other than Killua.

“The rest of you should leave the premises,” Bisky shouted over the field. “You all have exercises you can do in the forest or your rooms or the sea. Do those instead until Alluka and Ishak are done! If anyone wants to watch their fight, you’re free to do so.”

Said and done. Within minutes, the training field was empty. Only Alluka and Ishak were left, slowly circling each other on the field while Bisky and Layla made themselves comfortable on the terrace overseeing the field. Gon and Killua decided to sit down on the floor next to them. That way, they could watch Alluka’s fight and keep themselves entertained during their training.

“Yo Gon, wanna bet who wins?” Killua asked.

He sounded oddly breathless and the cocky smile on his face was definitely forced, even if Gon was probably the only person who could tell.

“You really need to stop gambling,” Gon chided, using this moment as an excuse to take in Killua, something he really had to try hard to not do all the time right now. “It always gets you into trouble.”

“Party pooper,” Killua grumbled.

“I’ll gamble with you,” Layla said. “I bet 5000 Jenny on Ishak.”

“Isn’t that chump change for a rich princess? 10 000 on my Alluka.”

“Apologies, I assumed a disgraced Zoldyck wouldn’t have access to the family fortune. But if that’s not an issue then I bet 50 000 on Ishak.”

Well, crap. It appeared Layla knew how to push buttons. Killua was pissed.

“You forget I’m a successful Hunter!” He snapped. “I don’t need my family’s money to match you! 100 000 on Alluka!”

“Is that so? Then I’ll stop holding back. 1 000 000 on Ishak.”

“1 000 000 it is! KILL THAT POSER DEAD, ALLUKA!”

“ONII-CHAN, YOU’RE IMPOSSIBLE!” Alluka hollered back.

Gon sighed. As did Bisky. Killua was going to go broke again. Sure, he knew better than anyone what Alluka was capable of, but Layla had spent the Hunter Exam with her and the last two days out here. She’d seen both of their abilities and had a direct comparison. Killua stood no chance and if he wasn’t such a gambling addict, he’d know.

Then, Ishak blinked and Alluka moved. Fast. Even Gon could barely follow, that’s how fast she moved from her spot and behind Ishak, where she placed a single, well-aimed hit to the back of his head. He stumbled forward a little bit, obviously surprised by the sudden hit.

“Did you teach her that?” Gon asked Killua

“Of course I did!” Killua answered proudly. “What, did you think I’d allow my precious little sister to take part in the most dangerous exam in the world without teaching her how to efficiently take down her opponents?”

It sounded obvious when he put it that way. Gon felt a little stupid for asking now.

“But isn’t Ishak a trained Hunter?” Layla asked. “I thought Hunters needed to know how to fight. How did he not evade or block that?”

“You’ve got the wrong idea, princess,” Bisky answered. “I don’t teach people how to be Hunters. I teach a specific skill that’s a prerequisite to being a Hunter. And even when it comes to that skill, I only train advanced techniques. Ishak may have completed my training, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he has any experience as a Hunter.”

“And what might that skill be?” Layla asked.

“Pass the Hunter Exam and you’ll find out,” Bisky answered.

Alluka disappeared once again when Ishak blinked, only to reappear behind him and hit him with another well-placed chop. Ishak still didn’t manage to avoid it, but he also didn’t seem all that affected by it.

“Is that why you search for Hunters to be their masters when they complete your training?” Gon asked.

“Correct! The most common route for a Hunter is to pass the exam, stumble over another Hunter to teach them the basics, get send to a trainer like myself to teach them the rest of the fundamentals, and then find a suitable seasoned Master to take them under their wing as apprentices for a few years and teach them what being a Hunter is all about. I was the one who trained Knuckle and Shoot and referred to them to Morel, for example.”

That explained how those two had such a deep understanding of Nen. And why Bisky had been so convinced that he and Killua wouldn’t be able to beat them, even after a month training them. While Gon pondered that, Alluka started another attempt, this time opting to hit Ishak’s spine. Probably a way to temporarily paralyze someone, if Gon understood Killua’s thinking at all. Though it still had no effect on Ishak.

“You never referred us to any Masters,” Killua noted.

“Of course not!”Bisky sneered. “You were on a hunt when we met. For a Hunter, that’s more important than any training. I also only find Masters for people who complete my training, which you two never did. Not to mention, you were hunting down Ging, a genius among geniuses. Off the top of my head, I can’t think of anyone better suited to be the Master of insane talents like you two. And then there’s the fact that you found a good Master all on your own. Kite wouldn’t have been my first choice, but probably one of the first if I didn’t manage to blackmail any of the Zodiacs into taking you in.”

Alluka was turning it up, disappearing and reappearing once again, but this time throwing a barrage of punches against different parts of Ishak’s body. Killua looked mighty proud when she did that. He must have taught her the human body’s weak points in their theory lessons.

“Besides,” Bisky continued. “When I said that that’s the most common route for Hunters to take, I didn’t mean that it’s the route the majority of Hunters take. Only maybe 40% of Hunters do it this way. Some, like you, go into the Exam with a specific hunt in mind and then pursue that trail from the moment they pass. A master would only get in their way. A few very lucky ones are picked up by Hunters and taken under their wing before they even take the exam. Others find themselves compatible with the person who first teaches them and then those become their masters. Many have broader hunting goals, like archeology or medicine, and will inevitably stumble over more experienced Hunters in those same fields who take them on as apprentices. And then you have geniuses like Ging or Leorio, who just kind of have a knack for it and don’t need a master to be a good Hunter.”

Killua snorted at that. “That old man? A genius Hunter?”

“He did pass the exam you failed,” Bisky bit back.

Now it was Layla’s turn to snort. Killua couldn’t refute that, so he opted to pouting instead. Alluka meanwhile, tried her disappearing trick one more time, this time going for Ishak’s legs. She actually managed to unearth his footing, but he rolled out of the way before she could pin him and thus, the circling began anew.

“Ishak hasn’t attacked even once,” Gon noticed.

“He’s from an island country south of the Azian Continent,” Bisky explained. “The way he tells it, they have a few … strong opinions on how women should be treated. He refuses to raise a hand against a girl, period.”

Never raise a hand against a girl? Why not? Gon could understand not wanting to raise a hand against a non-Nen-user, or a pacifist, or someone you could just tell was just weaker than you, because that would be an unfair fight (and also not very fun). But girls in general? That seemed odd to him. What was it about girls specifically that made Ishak think that way? Gon kind of wanted to pick his brains on that.

“That’s dumb,” Killua drawled. “Girls are vicious, violent beasts. They’ll eat you up and spit you back out if you’re too afraid to hit them back.”

Bisky punched him into the sun for that and Gon mourned the lack of his Aura touching his. He hadn’t even made it back to the ground before Layla kicked him back up there.

“Gon, make sure to never take advice on women from Killua,” Layla smiled at him while killua landed a meter or two behind them.

“I rest my case,” he mumbled against the ground.

“Yeah, I know,” Gon said. “Killua’s kind of awful with girls. Especially the nice and pretty ones. He can’t even manage to not make his own sister mad at him, and she’s the sweetest girl in the world.”

“The sweetest girl in the world just nearly beheaded a man three times her size,” Bisky noted dryly.

“Yeah, I saw it. She’s amazing, isn’t she?” Gon beamed.

Layla leaned over to whisper to Bisky, probably low enough that Gon wasn’t supposed to hear it. He still hadn’t told her about his enhanced hearing. Oops.

“Is it just me, or this kid a natural flirt?” She said.

“It’s not just you,” Bisky whispered back. “He has a talent for charming people. Both of those siblings are head over heels for him. I bet he could make even the most hardwired lesbian fall for him without even trying.”

“I’ll let you know if he succeeds.”

Killua came to sit on Gon’s other side this time, using him as a barrier between himself and the two women and immediately, Gon’s attention was entirely on Killua for a few moments when their Aura’s touched again. It was extremely subtle, so subtle that not even Gon was certain if he hadn’t just imagined it, but he thought he heard Killua’s breath stop short too. That tiny blush was back on his face and his breathing turned just a little bit too controlled to be entirely natural. It was entrancing. Exhilarating. And extremely difficult for Gon not to give in to the sudden urge to move closer. So he did.

And that was a mistake.

The moment Gon’s body moved into Killua’s Aura, his senses were bombarded with all things Killua. Killua’s scent, light and airy with that slight, unmistakable hint of Ozone, the sound of Killua’s breathing, of his heart, the taste of salt from the soft sheen of sweat on Killua’s skin, the blue of Killua’s eyes, the shimmer of Killua’s Alabaster skin, the softness of Killua’s hair, Killua, Killua, Killua! Gon’s heartbeat was loud enough to drown out every other sound that wasn’t Killua, his blood running noisily through his veins and Gon barely dared breathing.

“Killua,” Gon whispered in his ear.

Killua’s breath stopped short, his body went stiff, his eyes, blue like the ocean, like the skies, went wide, and his scent changed into an odd mixture of excitement and fear. Killua seemed as if he was about to bolt any second now. And for some reason, a memory flashed in front of Gon’s eyes; that of their chase in the forest all those weeks ago, Killua just that tiny bit ahead of him, Gon chasing after his back, reaching for it, feeling like he was walking on clouds, on air, with the sheer thrill of chasing Killua. Killua was better than him. Stronger than him. Faster than him. What would it be like to chase a Killua who was earnestly trying to run away from him? Surely, it would be exhilarating! Gon would have to use every ounce of his knowledge, his smarts and his strength. He wanted that. He wanted Killua to run! Run, so that Gon could catch him. He could feel the heat flowing through him at the thought, hot and heavy, magma running through his blood, moving through his skin and burning on it. He could hear every single step Alluka and Ishek were taking, could smell every droplet of sweat on their skin, didn’t even have to look to know that Alluka was grabbing her ribbon and getting ready for what would definitely be a magnificent jump, but his world suddenly consisted of Killua and only Killua, and there was only room for a single thought to run through his mind;

What would Gon have to do to make Killua run?

“Bisky says you’re head over heels in love with me.”

Gon’s voice was breathy even to his own ears and he was no longer able to tell if the rapid heartbeat he was hearing belonged to him or to Killua. Not when Killua’s eyes went so beautifully wide as he whipped around to face Gon, and his face so adorably crimson red. It took everything in him not to run away, Gon noticed. The first tiny sparks of electricity were already appearing in his hair. They were nose to nose, closer than ever before when they weren’t fighting, and Killua couldn’t help but to lean back, desperately creating space, just like Gon couldn’t help but to lean forward and close it again.

“That’s just Bisky living out her pretty boy fantasies,” Killua hissed. “Don’t listen to what she says.”

He tried to be angry, Gon could tell, but he just sounded panicked instead. His heartbeat was accelerating, his breathing coming in short, desperate gasps, his eyes desperately darting around, looking for an escape. Just a little more. Gon had to push just a little more and Killua would run. And then Gon could give chase! Use everything he’s learned to hunt down and catch that enchanting back. Killua wouldn’t just not make it easy, Killua would make it damn near impossible, and Gon wouldn’t have it any other way. He would be the ultimate target, this would be ultimate hunt, and when Gon finally caught him, finally grabbed that back, finally got his hands on Killua -

“Gon!” Bisky said, her tone calm but icy. “Your Aura’s changing.”

“It is?”

Gon leaned away from Killua and immediately, it was like he saw a clear sky after wandering around in the fog for ages without even realizing it had been there. He shook his head real quick to get rid of any leftover sensations, though that proved to be impossible, what with his Aura still slightly touching Killua’s.

“Better,” Bisky nodded. “What did you do?”

“No idea,” Gon shrugged.

The only thing Gon had actually done was leaning into Killua’s Aura, and since he’d never done that before, that could not have been the reason, so that answer was … true enough. Bisky narrowed her eyes at him anyway, but whatever she was thinking, she kept it to herself.

“We’ll have you checked out by Pat as soon as they’re done with Alluka,” she said instead.

“Okay,” Gon chirped.

Honestly, that suited him just fine. He’d very much like to know what was going on with him and his human/inhuman nature. While at it, he could probably also ask about that ‘focusing when angry’ thing he and Killua had discovered all those weeks ago. He glanced at Killua real quick, who had the oddest expression Gon had ever seen on him. His face beet red and eyes blown out, he was trembling, clutching his chest, and sounding like he was trying his absolute damndest to control his breathing. Gon would have felt at least a little sorry for putting him in that state, if he wasn’t preoccupied with being curious about what this state even was, and how exactly he had managed to put Killua into it. But maybe he should wait to ask about that until Killua had calmed down some.

Alluka meanwhile, had managed to get her ribbon wrapped around Ishak’s neck and was pulling hard. To no avail though, Ishak had a solid layer of Ken to protect him and Alluka was clearly struggling to break through it. If she was clever enough, she’d figure out how to use Shu within the coming minutes, that would give her a leg up. Oh wait, there was some Aura moving into the grip. Looks like she was beginning to get it.

“I don’t understand,” Gon thought out loud. “Alluka is getting better by the minute. If Ishak stays on the defensive, she’ll overpower him before long. Is his moral code really so strict that he’d rather die than hit a girl?”

“That’s what we’re here to find out,” Bisky answered. “Ishak calls it ‘respecting women’. I call it ‘being condescending to a fellow fighter’. If he wants to survive in the world of Hunters, he’ll have to shed that moral code. If he doesn’t … Well, if Alluka is anything like you, Killua, she’ll figure out how to kill someone who can use Ken and Ryu during this fight and that’ll be the end of him.”

“Isn’t that a bit harsh?” Layla asked.

“Nope,” Bisky answered, popping the ‘p’.

“Nope,” Gon answered, popping the ‘p’.

“Nope,” Killua answered, popping the ‘p’.

Layla looked very taken aback by that, but decided to stay quiet. Suddenly, Gon understood why Bisky wanted her to watch this match.

It was right around then that Gon’s vision was beginning to swim and everything in him, every bone, every muscle, suddenly felt weak. It was a struggle to even just stay in their sitting position. He hadn’t felt like this since … since …

“Is it hitting you, too?” Killua whispered.

Right. Since the last time Bisky had them work on their Ren. That feeling of being entirely, utterly drained. So that’s what was happening.

“Yeah,” Gon whispered back, already beginning to pant. “But why? It couldn’t have been more than a half an hour.”

“My best guess is that the amount of Aura we use goes up exponentially as we extend the reach of our Ren, but I can’t be sure.”

Were those math terms? That sounded like math terms. Gon had absolutely zero idea what it meant. Just trying to understand what Killua said was already giving him a headache. Thankfully, he seemed to catch on to Gon’s confusion.

“It’s not important,” he said. “Point is, we need to find a way to keep our Aura’s spread out enough to make them touch without using up so much of it. We’re not gonna last much longer otherwise, and it doesn't look like Alluka’s fight is going to end anytime soon.”

Keeping their Aura spread out without using so much of it … that was difficult. They’d have to contain it somehow. Make sure it didn’t just poof away once released. Kind of like when they were first awakened by Master Wing. Wait a minute …

“What if we use Ten?” Gon suggested.

“Ten?” Killua asked.

“Yeah! We’re using it all the time anyway to keep our Aura from leaking, right? We can just do that, but instead of letting our Aura flow just around bodies, we let it flow just wide enough away that our Aura’s touch.”

Killua stared at him for a long moment, eyes wide and mouth open. It made Gon a little jittery. Had he said something weird?

“We are so stupid,” Killua finally said.

“Huh?”

“En!” Killua hissed. “You just described En! What Bisky is having us doing isn’t just an Aura-building exercise! She was setting us up to learn En!”

Oh. Yeah, that made sense. Bisky had always trained them by giving them some task that could only be conquered by learning a new Nen technique and explaining it afterwards. If they had stopped to think for a minute, they would have figured out that this couldn’t have been an exception. Killua was right, they really were stupid.

“Alright, let’s give that a try!” Killua declared.

He closed his eyes and relaxed, and Gon followed his example. Feel where his Aura began to dissipate and then force it to flow instead. Ah, so that’s why Bisky had their Aura’s touching. The presence of Killua’s Aura gave Gon a solid point of reference for how far away the border of his Aura flow needed to be. It was a bit wobbly, but within what couldn’t have been more than a few minutes, Gon managed to visualize a sort of border and keep his Aura contained within it. He still had to expend more Aura than usual to keep it flowing all the way out there, but it wasn’t nearly as draining as just mindlessly blasting Ren. He’d be able to keep this up for a while. Almost simultaneously, Killua’s Aura also stabilized. Gon opened his eyes to smile triumphantly at Killua. Killua however, looked a little less pleased.

“What’s the matter?” Gon asked.

“I just remembered what the classifications for En are,” Killua answered. “You and I can probably hold this for a while, but we’re also sitting side by side. Our current radius can’t be more than fifteen or twenty centimeters. En begins at a radius of two meters, which is at least ten times more than what we’re doing right now.”

In other words, Bisky’s En training had only just begun. Things would only get more hellish from here. No wonder Killua looked displeased.

“Crap!” Killua hissed and closed his eyes again.

Gon could feel the problem. Killua’s En was wobbling. His wasn’t the only one, Gon’s too felt like it was about to break. It wasn’t the amount of Aura, there was enough of that, but keeping up its flow in such a wide area took a surprising amount of concentration. They’d have to stay on the ball until it became second nature. So Gon closed his eyes again, relaxed his shoulders, and took a deep breath. Looked like watching Alluka fight would have to be put on hold for the moment.

Chapter Text

Time lost all meaning for Gon. And probably Killua too, but he couldn’t be sure. En was difficult. Easily the most difficult Nen technique they ever had to learn. The longer they continued to hold it, the more difficult it became to sustain it. Not because they were running out of Aura. At least not much more than they’d already lost when they still used Ren - which, admittedly, was already enough to make Gon feel weak. No, the strain was mostly mental. Who knew keeping your Aura in check just a few centimeters away from you would make controlling it so much more difficult?

Thus, the world faded in and out. Most of the time, Gon’s awareness was reduced to himself and the flow of his Aura, with only the feel of Killua’s Aura touching his to serve as an anchor. Sometimes, his consciousness expanded enough to be aware of Killua next to him. Of his breathing, his scent, his presence. Once in a while, Gon even had enough bandwidth to notice what was going on in the field. In those moments, Gon wished he could actually pay full attention. Every time, Alluka seemed to be getting increasingly better, but also increasingly desperate and extreme in her methods. There were times when her Aura was so full of bloodlust, it violently ripped Gon out of his meditation and almost made him drop his En. By the way Killua’s Aura wobbled next to him, he seemed to be feeling similar.

Alas, those moments of clarity became less and less frequent as time went on. Especially once the mental strain became so strong, Gon began to feel it on a physical level. First, it was an ache in his muscles. It felt a little like he had been tensing up for too long. He could feel sweat forming on his skin, cooling him down in the most uncomfortable of ways, and breathing was turning into just a bit more of a conscious effort. At some point, the feeling turned into fatigue, while the ache spread into his bones. By then, Gon was honestly glad that this was an exercise that didn’t involve moving. The sweat was dripping down his skin in his ticklish droplets that threatened to break his concentration, and he had to extend just as much concentration on his breathing as he did on maintaining his En. This was hard. Really, really hard. No amount of meditation he’d done during his life could have prepared him for this.

Then his Aura finally started running dry and that’s when this exercise became painful. The longer he tried to keep pulling the energy from within himself, the more it felt like everything in him was shriveling up. His skin, his blood, his muscles, his organs, his bones, everything in him was screaming to let up. His concentration, already shaken, turned into a dangerously thin line. Like the tiniest strip of yarn that continuously pulled tighter and tighter. And like a yearn, that concentration broke bit by bit, thread by thread, until it felt like there was nothing left. Several times over, Gon had been convinced that the next thread would be the last, the one that would make him break, and every time anew, he pulled everything within himself together to keep it going for just a bit longer. Just one more minute, one more second, one more breath. Again and again, Gon told himself that until it became a neverending mantra in his brain. One that allowed him to distract himself from the fatigue and the pain and the feeling that everything within him was being unraveled and slowly used up until there was nothing left. It was excruciating

“You can release your En now,” Bisky’s voice sounded as loud as a trumpet.

Holy moly was that a relief to hear. Gon honestly thought he would’ve died if he had to hold on for even a second longer.. He was entirely sweat soaked, his hair actually clinging to his skin for once. He was gasping for breath the moment he let go. His stomach was growling and his mouth felt like sandpaper. Just how long had they been at this?

“How … how …” Killua tried to say.

He wasn’t fairing much better, looking about as haggard as Gon felt. His voice sounded rough and dry, but at least he managed to get some tone out. Gon’s throat refused to create any sounds at all, no matter how much he tried.

“About three days,” Bisky answered.

“You need to drink something,” Layla piped in, handing a water bottle to Gon and Killua each.

Gon accepted it gratefully and downed the whole thing one go. He hadn’t even realized he’d been this thirsty.

“How’d the match end?” Gon asked the moment he could talk again.

“A tie,” Bisky explained. “Ishak eventually started fighting back, but not until Alluka wore him down to the bone. He’s too well trained to let himself be beaten by a newbie Nen-User when serious, but too injured to beat someone as talented as Alluka. It wasn’t going to go anywhere, so I ended the fight.”

Gon wasn’t entirely certain what he’d expected, but he supposed it must’ve been something along those lines, seeing how absolutely unsurprised he was.

“Looks like we both lose, princess,” Killua grinned.

“Why so negative? I’d argue we both won,” Layla smiled back.

Huh. Whattaya know. Killua was actually getting along with a woman. Gon didn’t think he’d ever see that sight in his life.

“Alluka! Ishak! To me!” Bisky yelled.

Both fighters dragged themselves across the field to where their little group was standing, and it was only now that Gon took a proper look at them. Alluka was mostly unharmed with the exception of what looked like a dislocated shoulder, but looked even more exhausted than Gon and Killua. Seriously, Gon was worried she might collapse any second. He’d go fuss over her if he wasn’t so busy grabbing on to Killua’s shirt to hold him in place. He didn’t just look worried, he looked like he was going to rip Ishak apart piece by piece the moment Gon’s hold on him loosened by even the tiniest fraction.

Ishak meanwhile, looked like he had missed the right angle when jumping off the cliffs on Whale Island and hit the rocks instead of the water. Broken bones, huge lacerations, deep, nasty bruises, skin slashed and ripped open everywhere Gon could see, swellings all over his face and joins. Alluka had done one hell of a number on this guy.

“Alluka, you’re dismissed,” Bisky barked. “Go take a shower, eat something, and then I’ll let Cookie have a crack at you. Pat is ready to start working with you again, so I’ll need you in top condition asap!”

“Yes, Bisky,” Alluka answered dutifully, before stumbling back into the house.

Gon finally let go of Killua, who took off to accompany her, and then all eyes turned to Ishak. It was quiet for a long moment. One of those heavy, oppressive silences that not even Gon would dare break. So he kept his mouth shut and stood still, not daring to move a single muscle until Bisky started speaking again.

“You caved.”

Ishak nodded miserably, managing to somehow look even more crushed than he already did. “I have no excuses.”

“None needed,” Bisky answered. “The world of Hunters is no place for unbending morals of any kind. We’re horribly selfish creatures who will go to any lengths to get what we want. If there’s any part of you that’s unbending, if there’s anything you’re unwilling to do, any lines you’re unwilling to cross, you’ll be gobbled up and spat back out. There is no female Hunter who wouldn’t take advantage of your unwillingness to hurt them if it was to their benefit. Just like Alluka had no qualms going after you for her own self-improvement. Be glad she’s a beginner, otherwise you would’ve lost your life to those lofty morals of yours before you ever even started your first hunt. I hope you learned your lesson!”

Ishak somehow managed to look even smaller and more miserable with every word. Gon was honestly impressed.

“You’re dismissed,” Bisky finished. “Go tend to your injuries, and then spend the rest of your time here rethinking if being a Hunter is really for you.”

Ishak nodded again, before limping back into the house. It was only now that Gon saw that Ishak’s foot was almost entirely cut in half, only held together by some flesh. It was right then and there that Gon made a mental note to never, ever, make an enemy out of Alluka.

“Layla,” Bisky spoke again, and the woman in question straightened up immediately. “Do you understand why I had you watch this fight?”

“Yes,” Layla answered. “I believe I do.”

“Then prove it! Defeat Alluka in a fight while she’s under my wing. You’re not allowed to retake the Hunter Exam until you succeed.”

Gon almost had an outburst at that, because that was probably the most unfair thing Bisky could ask if she didn’t plan on teaching her Nen, which she clearly didn’t. But the point clicked within a split second and Gon just so managed to keep his tongue in check. It was the same trick Cheadle had used, after all. Did Layla understand the point of the exercise this time? Yes … yes, Gon had a feeling she did.

“You’re dismissed,” Bisky said courtly and Layla obediently scrambled away.

Which left Gon and Bisky alone on the terrasse. She obviously had some business with him, though Gon couldn’t even begin to fathom what it could be. Which made him a little nervous, especially considering she had waited until everyone else was gone.

“Gon,” Bisky started.

He snapped to attention immediately. There was no smile on her face and a sharpness in her tone that spelled trouble. Had he messed something up?

“What happened in East Gorteau?”

Oh. That’s what this was about. Well, it was about time he answered to someone. Absolutely everybody had let him off the hook for that particular blunder for way too long. Leave it to Bisky to set things straight, he guessed.

“I …”

Huh …. that was odd. It had always been so clear to him how badly he had messed up. All the myriad of ways in which he had hurt everyone around him. The commotion he’d caused, the uproar and outrage and endless amount of issues. How was it that now, when he finally had to put it into words, they failed him? Words had never failed Gon before. Even when he’d first met Ging, they’d just come bubbling out of him before he could even make sense of it. So why now? What kept him tongue-tied?

“…”

Where was he even supposed to begin? There was so much to explain, so much to make clear, so much to convey. So much he’d done wrong, so many people he hurt. Knuckle. Shoot. Meleoron. Leorio. Pitou. Kite. Killua. Killua. Killua. He’d never, ever, be able to forget Killua. The look on his face, the anguish, the terror, the dread. It would haunt him until the end of his days. What on earth could he say to describe that? What could he possibly say that could encompass all of it?

“…”

“Let’s ask an easier question,” Bisky said. “What did you do that got you into that state?”

Her tone was still cold and sharp, but the clarity of the instruction helped Gon plant his feet back on the ground. He could answer this.

“I killed Neferpitou. The Chimera Ant that killed Kite” he said. “But at the time, I wasn’t strong enough to kill her. So I made a covenant. All of the Nen I’d build up over the years. All the power I’d ever have. I give up the future to access it now. As much as I’d need to kill Pitou.”

There was a look he’d never seen before on Bisky’s face. One that looked a little like horror. Or maybe terror. Gon couldn’t tell. He didn’t have time to pick it apart either, as Bisky quickly schooled her face. It wasn’t back to being neutral, but whatever was crossing her mind to make that face was carefully tucked away for the moment.

“Why didn’t Killua put a stop to you?” Bisky asked again.

“He wasn’t there,” Gon answered. “I was alone with Pitou and a dead Kite.”

This time, Bisky’s face contorted into one of pained sorrow. Gon had a sinking feeling she’d already known the answer.

“Why wasn’t he with you?” Bisky continued to ask.

“I … pushed him away,” Gon’s voice was barely more than a whisper. “I treated him horribly. I was cold to him from the moment we entered the castle. I ignored him most of the time despite the fact that he was always by my side. I lashed out at him when he tried to calm me down. I … I said awful things to him that he never deserved to hear.”

Bisky closed her eyes, her face still pained. It only cemented the feeling that Bisky had already known this. Or at least, suspected as much.

“What did you say to him?” It sounded like Bisky needed to force the question out of her.

“I said that he has it good. That it’s easy for him to stay calm because it doesn’t concern him. Or that it means nothing to him. Something along those lines.”

There was a low chuckle that was filled with so much bitterness and vitriol that it honestly shocked Gon a little. Somehow, he had never imagined it possible for Bisky to let out such a nasty sound.

“That’s all it took, huh? You stupid, hopeless brats!”

She said those words under her breath. They were definitely not for Gon to hear. She must’ve forgotten about his hearing. Gon wished he hadn’t heard those words. They made no sense to him, but the gut feeling that developed in his stomach that what had happened in the castle was a lot worse than he’d thought made him afraid to ask. He didn’t want to explore new depths to that entire mess. Not while he was still busy processing the depths he was already in.

“I take it you’re at least beginning to understand why hearing those words from you hurt him so deeply.” Bisky continued.

It wasn’t a question. Gon answered anyway. “Yes. He doesn’t think very highly of himself. He worries that he’s not a good friend. And I basically told him that it’s true.”

That was probably the understatement of the century, but if he knew Bisky at all, it would be enough to convey that Gon had a grasp of the issue. The woman in question didn’t look entirely pleased with that answer, though. So there was still more to it. More nuances to understand, more layers to unravel, more truths to uncover. It made Gon wish that it would rain, just so that his tired body could soak up the cold until he was frozen to his very core. But despite not getting all of it, Bisky didn’t berate him. He must have at least passed the bare minimum, then.

“How much longer do you plan on allowing him to think of himself that way?” Bisky asked again.

Gon didn’t even have to think about that one. “Until I find a way to convince him otherwise without hurting him even further!”

That drove another chuckle out of her. A real one, this time. So Gon had finally done something right. It was a rare enough occurrence.

“Good answer,” Bisky smiled. “Better than what I expected of you, honestly. But then again, underestimating you is par for the course for me at this point.”

Gon’s chest swelled at those words. He had made progress. He was doing well. He’d messed up, yes, and badly, but he was on the right track. Finally! It was such a relief to hear.

“I’ll help you with that,” Bisky answered. “And I know exactly where to start!”

“You do?”

Oh sweet heavens, finally some progress! Gon had been agonizing and trying and trying and agonizing and never getting anywhere for so long, he hadn’t even realized how much he had lost hope that he’d ever find a way until it returned to him at this very moment! Of course Bisky would have a way! She always knew exactly what to do or say or do to nudge him in the right direction. Honestly, why hadn’t Gon thought to ask her sooner?

“You and Killua separated for a while, right?” Bisky continued her questioning.

“Yeah. About a year. Killua rescued his little sister and had to take care of her, and I finally found Ging, so we went our separate ways.”

Bisky raised an eyebrow at that. “You wanted to separate?”

“I didn’t!” Gon protested. “I really, really didn’t want him to go. I don’t think there was ever anything I wanted more than for us to stay together. If he had asked me to ditch Ging and come along with him and Alluka instead, I think I might’ve actually done it. But I could tell Killua wanted to leave. Or more like … I could tell he felt like he needed to. I think leaving was difficult for him, but he tried so hard to stay cheerful and not make Alluka worry, so I made it as easy as I possibly could.”

“Well, you’re correct on one account,” Bisky explained. “Killua really didn’t want to leave. Do you know why he did it anyway?”

Gon shook his head. He really did not know and he wasn’t keen on going down this particular rabbit hole yet again. But the question had sounded rhetorical and it felt a little like he was spotting a teeny tiny light at the end of the tunnel.

“It’s because I made him,” Bisky said matter of factly.

… what?

What did she mean ‘she made him’? How? Why? When? Gon didn’t understand. Couldn’t understand. He felt like Bisky had just doused a bucket of ice water over his head. It left him reeling and disoriented and shivering and he … he …

“I made him promise,” Bisky continued, “that if he lost to Shoot, he would leave your side. Killua left you at the world tree to fulfill that promise.”

A promise? To leave Gon? That was it?!? That was the entire reason?!? So then … Killua never left of his own accord? Killua never wanted to go? All this time … a full year without Killua. A full year missing him, hearing his laughter, his quips, his well-meaning insults, only to turn around and be reminded he wasn’t there? A full year of wondering, agonizing, over why Killua had left and if it was Gon’s fault, being convinced it was Gon’s fault. Reuniting and finding out how desperate Killua had been trying to raise Alluka. How haggard, how worried to the bone, how badly he needed help. A full year of Killua suffering on his own because he only ever trusted Gon, but was forbidden from asking him. Because Bisky made him. Bisky made him. Bisky made him!

Gon saw red!

Chapter Text

TRAITOR!

The word echoes in Gon’s mind over and over again. 

Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! 

The usual symptoms had long since reared their heads. The magma ran violently hot in Gon’s blood, consuming every other emotion, every thought, every piece of rationality he ever had. All of his senses had sharpened to the nth degree. Even more so than usual. He could hear the growling of the beasts in the forest and smell the blood of a fresh kill somewhere deep within it. And yet, his world was limited to Bisky, and Bisky only. A person who was supposed to be safe. A person he was supposed to trust. A person who instead had hurt him and Killua.

TRAITOR!

“I TRUSTED YOU!” Gon roared.

Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! 

Again, Bisky evaded the devastating punch he threw. The ground cracked into a million pieces underneath him. Gon reacted fast, using one of them to catapult himself towards Bisky. 

TRAITOR!

“ WE TRUSTED YOU!”

The person that made Killua open up. The person that had brought out the silly and careless side in him. The person he felt safe enough with to act like a child for what could very well be the first time ever. That person had hurt Killua! She hurt Killua!

Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! 

An exchange of fists. Gon was fast and decisive, all of Killua’s training having cemented itself into his very bones. But Bisky was better. Stronger. Faster. She blocked every single one of his punches with pin-point precision. She didn’t even look like she was struggling. It only served to sharpen Gon’s focus even more. 

TRAITOR!

“YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE OUR MASTER!”

But instead, she hurt Killua. She hurt Killua! Gon couldn’t forgive that. Then don’t! He could never, ever forgive that.

Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor!

Gon stopped punching and threw a kick instead. Bisky nimbly ducked beneath it and jumped away from Gon again. Without a lick of hesitation, he followed. She would not get away from him. He refused to allow that.

TRAITOR!

“YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GUIDE US!”

A punch. Bisky evaded.

“HELP US GROW!”

Another punch. Bisky blocked it.

“WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR US!”

One more punch. Bisky lightly danced around Gon and he fell to the floor. He was back up in a split second.

“SO WHY?!”

Gon’s voice cracked. He didn’t care. Didn’t notice. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was Bisky. And that he got his hands on her.

Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor!

He leapt forward, putting as much force into his legs as he could and just as quickly as he’d gotten back on his feet, he closed the distance between himself and Bisky again. She looked annoyed. It only pissed him off more, so he went for one of her pigtails. She twirled and his hand ended up grabbing air instead. He caught himself with a handspring.

“WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO HIM?!?”

Why would she hurt him like that? She hurt Killua! Why would she upend his world like that? She hurt Killua! Why would she force him like that? She hurt Killua!

TRAITOR!

He lunged for her again, as quick and nimble as ever, and she dodged again. Gon accounted for it this time and aimed at her feet instead, once again tearing up the ground beneath them.

“ANSWER ME!!!”

“ ENOUGH! ”

Bisky’s roar gave his own a run for its money, and it was accompanied by a punch to his back that robbed Gon of his breath. He heard the crack of his ribs more than he felt it. That sense was preoccupied with the searing pain that suddenly ran through his torso. Ah, what had Killua told him again and again? Stop turning your back to your opponent. How very much like him to never learn his lesson. 

“Who do you think you’re talking to, brat?” Bisky spat. “I’ve raised more Hunters than you’ve ever even met! And you dare question my decisions?”

Screw that! She hurt Killua! Nothing would ever justify hurting Killua!

“What happened to those animalistic instincts of yours?” Bisky continued, crouching down to meet him at eye level. “Shouldn’t they have told you if I was going to do something bad to you, even if I never meant to?”

Gon glared at her. He didn’t know! He couldn’t have known! His instincts were not a miraculous sixth sense that told him everything about everyone. It didn’t work that way! It couldn’t. If it did, that would mean that Bisky was right and she couldn’t be. No way. There was no reality in which forcibly taking Killua away from him was the right thing to do. He refused to believe that!

“Here’s the ugly truth, Gon.” Bisky’s voice was dangerously low. “You needed to separate for both your sakes. But the reason I put all the responsibility on Killua was because I knew you wouldn’t be responsive. You, with your stubborn nature who only ever does what he wants to do, only ever listens to what he wants to hear, would never have voluntarily parted ways with Killua unless he himself wanted it. So I had to make him want it. Do you get it? You’re the reason I had to hurt him.”

He was the reason? Why? Your fault! Because he was selfish? Childish? Weak? Your fault NO! Your fault! Wrong, wrong, wrong! Your fault! That was wrong! Everything was wrong! Your fault! Killua never wanted to leave. Gon never wanted Killua to leave. So why? Your fault! Why did Bisky say he had to? Because you hurt him. Oh. You hurt him! That’s why. You hurt him! It was his fault. You hurt Killua! Bisky knew. Unforgivable! She knew this would happen. You hurt Killua! She had tried to prevent it! You hurt Killua! NO! You hurt Killua! He didn’t want to! But you did! He never wanted to! Your fault! But - YOUR FAULT! No! YOUR FAULT! NO! YOUR FAULT! 

“SHUT UP!”

The next punch came too fast for even Bisky to react. Still, Gon felt the bones in his knuckles crack from the sheer density of her Ken. She’d been prepared for him to lash out, huh? No matter. Gon would break that defense. He took a deep breath when he straightened back up. Already, his ribs were repairing themselves.

“You’re so predictable,” Bisky laughed weakly. “Nothing like your bastard of a father’s inscrutable nature.”

Gon answered with a snarl, which only drove another bitter laugh from Bisky. She cracked her neck and then … then she transformed. Gon’s eyes went wide as he watched it. Killua had told him about it, but even with that, Gon could never have imagined that she would be this massive. HIs snarl turned into a manic grin. It was so easy to forget. Because she never really used that strength of hers. Because she kept using the appearance of a weak little girl. Because she had a way of making people feel comfortable around her. But yes, Bisky was powerful ! A force of nature in her own right. There was no way Gon could win against her.

Just the way he liked it!

“Come at me, then!” Bisky grinned darkly.

Gon did not have to be told twice. His blood was already boiling, simmering, steaming! Magma flowing at record pace underneath his skin, white and hot and all-consuming, heating up every single fiber, every cell. He could use this. He would use this! Channel all that anger and mania through his body, into his muscles, his senses, his nervous system. His ribs were cracking back into place. As were his knuckles. It was horribly painful, but the pain only heightened Gon’s awareness even further.Then, he leapt !

He was in Bisky’s face before she knew what hit her. Only at the very last second did she manage to block his kick, but then she grabbed his foot and slammed him into the ground. Something in Gon cracked again. Another rib maybe. Or maybe even a spinal column. Who could tell? Gon couldn’t. He couldn’t think over the pain, couldn’t breathe through the impact. Damn it, Bisky was strong!

He twisted in her grasp, violently enough to flip her around. There went his leg. Also broken. Good thing he had a second one which he slammed into Bisky’s stomach before falling to the ground again. A clean hit. Bisky flew across the training field. Gon took that moment to crack his leg bone back into place. Bones? Ah right, there were two of them down there. 

“You friggin brat actually broke through my Ryu,” Bisky coughed. “I’m impressed.”

Gon did not give her another second to gather herself and catapulted himself at her one more time. Too late. She was expecting him, using her position on the ground for an uppercut. Gon sensed it long before he saw it. She could’ve hit him if she’d stayed small, but that giant fist was more than suitable for him to jump off of. So he did, high into the air. He’d have time here, could gather his Aura for a Jajanken. Except Bisky followed him into the sky. Fine, no Jajanken then, just an exchange of fists and kicks. Gon was fast and nimble in a way Bisky’s muscular body could never hope to emulate, but Bisky was experienced and practiced, so she matched him blow for blow. She never even seemed to struggle. Gon’s grin only got wider. She caught his wrists, first one then the other, and slammed him downwards towards the ground. Gon managed to twist in midair and land on all fours, but the force of the throw was strong enough that it hurt him anyway. Nothing cracked, but he swore he heard something in his body snap and the pain that followed was several times worse than the broken bones had been. Enough to make him roar in sheer agony. Enough to distract him, enough to forget about Bisky for a moment and she crashed feet first into him, pushing him into the ground and definitely breaking most, if not all, of his ribs. It left him gasping helplessly. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t move.

Bisky picked him up by the arm until he dangled in front of her nose.

“This fight is over,” she said.

Over? Was that what she thought? Just because she’d broken some of his bones? Silly Bisky. She should know him better than that. He grinned at her and her expression turned into something terrified. Something horror-struck. Gon liked that expression. He rewarded it with another attempt at a punch, one she easily caught.

“I said, it’s over !”

She crushed his hand. Did it easily, too. Maybe Gon should have protected it. With Ken or Ko. She might’ve still hurt it, but it wouldn’t have been all mangled. Gon inspected it for a moment. There were pieces of bone and tendons sticking out everywhere. Hard to see between all the blood, but definitely there. It barely even looked like a hand anymore. This would take longer to heal. This would take a while to heal. And it hurt. Really, really badly. Gon welcomed the pain with open arms. It was familiar. Soothing. Kept him focused. Kept the magma under his skin running hot, hot, ever hotter. Made him burn. Made him laugh.

“What the hell is -”

Bisky never managed to finish her question. Gon wrapped his legs around her neck before she could and used his position to first throw her off balance, then flipped her when she fell. He got a good two or three punches in with his good hand before she caught it and crushed it as well. Only then did Gon leap backwards, away from her. Both his hands were out of commission now, huh? This was getting more exciting by the second. Gon couldn’t keep down a giggle.

Then the scent of ozone wafted into his nose and he froze.

“GON!” Killua’s scream came not even a second later.

“Killua …” Gon breathed.

Killua was here. With his fluffy white hair and strikingly beautiful blue eyes, looking at him like the world was ending. Was it? If Killua looked like that, then surely that’s what must be happening. Just like that, Gon forgot why he was fighting. Forgot he even was in a fight to begin with. So when Bisky punched him square in the face, Gon finally collapsed.

“That’s step one done and over with” he heard Bisky mumble. “Seriously, you brats always cause such messes. Don’t expect me to clean up after you forever.”

It was the last thing Gon heard before the world went black. 

Chapter Text

The first thing Gon became aware of when he woke up was the pain in his hands. It dulled his other senses for a hot minute, long enough for him to notice Killua on the floor next to his bed only after Killua had realized he was waking up.

“Welcome back to the land of the living,” he said.

“Killua …” Gon groaned.

He sat up in his bed. Crap, his body felt like it was run over by a truck. Actually, no, getting run over by a truck would probably hurt less.

“Bet you feel like shit,” Killua scowled. “Here, drink something.”

He handed Gon the bottle and it wasn’t until Gon reached for it that he realized his hands were clean and bandaged. 

“Did you patch me up?” He asked as he took the bottle.

“Yeah,” Killua answered. “You were in pretty bad shape when I reached you. After you were out, Bisky grabbed both of us and threw us in here with a whole bunch of supplies. I used those to treat you as well as I could, but your hands were pretty bad. We never tested your super healing to this degree, so I can’t promise they’ll be fine.”

That just opened up a whole slew of questions. Like, for example, where ‘in here’ was. A quick look around took care of that one, though. They were in their new room. As for his hands … Gon could feel his muscles, bones, nerves and tendons working themselves back into place underneath the thick bandages. It was probably the rapid healing process that hurt him, not the actual injury itself. How odd … Gon had never questioned how fast he was healing, but after Killua had brought it up the other day, it was clear as day that this couldn’t be normal. There were a few more questions that couldn’t be answered by inspection alone, though.

“Supplies?” Gon therefore asked.

“We’re locked in here,” Killua said. Leave it to him to understand everything Gon was actually asking. “There’s a layer of Nen around this room that makes it impossible for me to break through. Bisky says it’ll stay in place until you voluntarily open the door. We’ve been given several days worth of food, water, medicine, bandages, and whatever else we might need. I’m not sure if she was expecting for you to not wake up for a while, or for you to not want to open that door for a while.”

The second one, obviously. It took Killua explaining all of this for Gon to understand that they’d been tricked once again. After everything Bisky had told him, there were a few things Gon needed to know. The problem would be getting the information out of Killua. That barrier was in place to prevent him from running away from the conversation. A deliberate setup to get the two of them to talk. Gon wasn’t entirely certain how to feel about that. Killua never really wanted to talk, not about what really mattered, and Gon despised forcing anyone - especially Killua - into doing things they didn’t want. But … Gon would be lying if he said he didn’t want answers. He wanted to understand what had happened, what was going on in Killua’s head, wanted to know whatever he needed to know to make the right decisions. He was so sick of the uncertainty. Sick of fumbling around in the dark. Bisky was good at reading people, and she had a solid sense of judgement. If she went this far to bring Gon to force Killua to open up, he’d do it.

Just … he’d have to be careful about it. Killua wasn’t looking well. His skin was pale - or paler than usual, at least - , his cheeks hollow, and his eyes bloodshot. He’d been crying. And worrying. A lot, probably. One wrong move and Killua would clam up. And then they really would be stuck in here for days, if not weeks.

“How long was I out?” Gon asked again.

“A few hours,” Killua answered. “Four, five, something along those lines. Not too long. My turn to ask a question. What happened out there? Why on earth were you fighting Bisky?”

“What did she tell you?” Gon asked back.

“Absolutely nothing. She didn’t say a word until after she put up the Nen layer and then it was just about how to get out.”

So the ball was entirely in his court then. That kind of sucked. He had hoped Bisky would have at least left him a jumping off point. Where should he even start? 

“Killua …” he said, “do you remember our trek to the world tree? The first time you, Alluka and I went on a journey together?”

“Yeah, I remember,” Killua frowned. “What about it?”

“We never really talked about separating back then. You didn’t want to talk about it, so I didn’t bring it up.”

It had been so obvious to Gon. How hard it was on Killua. How much he didn’t want to. How fragile his resolve was. So Gon had done whatever he could to make sure it wouldn’t break. But …

“Was that a mistake?” Gon asked. “If I had asked, would you have told me about your promise to Bisky? If I had insisted, would you have given me the chance to make her rescind her promise? Could we have stayed together this entire time?”

Killua’s eyes went wide for a moment, his body tensing up, his expression turning into something agitated. So it was true then. Bisky had made Killua leave.

“So that’s what it was about …” Killua turned his head away. 

Gon didn’t protest that. He could give Killua that much freedom in what was obviously going to be a very difficult conversation for him.

“We struck a deal,” Killua continued. “If I couldn’t defeat Shoot, I’d have to say goodbye to you and go my own way. So that I could overcome my weaknesses. It … had nothing to do with you.”

That was a lie. Gon couldn’t understand why Killua was saying that. He knew Gon could always tell.

“Besides, I broke it anyway,” Killua’s voice had that very specific tone he used to make people believe he was being lighthearted. “That was way back in Doli City, before Knuckle and Shoot joined Morel and Knov in NGL, and we didn’t go our separate ways until months after that.”

That was true. And perhaps one of the reasons Bisky’s meddling had come so out of left field for Gon, now that he thought about it. It was also an attempt to distract him. Turn the conversation away from where it needed to go. Gon refused to let that happen.

“Then why did you leave?” he asked.

“I told you I’d help you look for your dad until I found what I wanted to do,” Killua shrugged. “You found your dad and I wanted to show Alluka the world. There was no more reason to stay.”

More lies. Or, at the very least, Killua wasn’t telling him the whole truth. But Gon was suddenly no longer in the mood to be delicate. Killua’s words had hit a sore spot. One he had never entirely put to rest. He brought his knees to his chest and rested his arms on them.

“You know, I would wonder once in a while.” He felt, more than saw Killua’s eyes snapping back to him. “I always loved going on adventures with Killua. It was always fun and exciting, even when things got dangerous, because it was the two of us doing it together. But sometimes, when I had too much time to think, I’d ask myself if you felt the same. Or if I was just a convenient way for you to kill your boredom until you found your answer.”

He still didn’t look at Killua, but he could hear the sharp intake of breath loud and clear.

“Gon …” Killua breathed.

He didn’t continue. Probably didn’t know what to say. If Gon gave him some time, he’d probably come up with an answer, but he didn’t need one, so he didn’t.

“It wouldn’t have made a difference,” Gon continued. “I was happy just being with Killua. That was enough for me. I didn’t need you to reciprocate that. Besides, I always knew that it wasn’t true. They were just stupid thoughts that would pop up sometimes.”

There was a long stretch of silence after that. Killua turned back around and stared at the floor, a deep frown on his face. His thoughts were probably running a million miles a minute. Gon let out a small, tired sigh and let his torso fall back against the headboard. His hands were still hurting. He felt oddly tired. He should probably be thinking too, but his head was blank as he gazed at the ceiling. 

“Did I …” Killua broke the silence, voice small and scared. “Did I ever say anything to make you think that?”

Ah. Gon had a feeling he knew what direction Killua’s thoughts were heading toward, and he didn’t quite have it in him to force that particular train to a stop.

“No. Never.” He answered. “But you also never said anything to the opposite effect.”

His shoulders were rising again. Tensing. Even from this angle, Gon could see Killua’s face scrunching up. That looked like … like regret, maybe. Or shame. Or maybe guilt.

“It’s not your fault though,” Gon continued. “I know you struggle with that. Being honest with yourself and others, I mean. Saying things is hard for you, but that doesn’t mean you don’t care. You just show it in other ways.”

“Like how?”

“Like facing the family you hate to save my life.”

“That wasn’t so hard”, Killua said and there was something bitter in his voice. Something acidic. “You said it yourself, it’s my job to clean up after you. You made a mess, I cleaned it up. That’s all.”

That wasn’t ‘all’. That wasn’t ‘all’ at all. But Killua had closed himself off and Gon wouldn’t get any more out of him. The conversation was over for now. Looks like they were going to stay trapped here for a while.

~oOo~

The problem with being stuck in a room was that it didn’t take long for Gon to get awfully, terribly bored. It did take him a while to get there, though. At first, he passed the time by sleeping a lot. He was in and out of sleep until the following morning, feeling exhausted in a way he rarely was. Not that he was worried about it by any means. It was just his body repairing itself that drained him so much. The first of his ribs were probably healed already, and whatever had snapped in his body during that fight was a good way into finding its other end. His hands were still pretty mangled, but the feeling in them was slowly returning. Most of the shattered bone fragments had moved back into place and the ones that were lost had begun regrowing. His muscles, tendons and nerves were also beginning to wrap themselves back into place and regrow. Thinking about it now, with Killua’s insight, it was probably odd for Gon to be so hyper aware of what was happening inside of him. He’d always healed fast, but knowing what was healing and when and where and how far along it was, that hadn’t been a thing until after he regained his Nen. It should worry him. It felt perfectly normal instead.

That entire time, Killua didn’t say a single word or even grace Gon with a single glance. However, he also didn’t move from his bedside once. It was comforting, having him so close. They weren’t in any danger here, the amount of people that would even be capable of breaking through Bisky’s Nen could probably be counted on a single hand, but still. There was no one in the world Gon trusted more than Killua, so nothing gave him more peace of mind than knowing Killua was next to him. 

Usually, that would be more than enough to keep Gon entertained as well. The two of them could make a fun game out of literally nothing. But this time around, Killua refused to engage. Once Gon spent more time awake than asleep, Killua took to staring a lot. He was often at the balcony door, staring towards the sea. If it wasn’t that, he was lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Sometimes, he was slumped against a wall somewhere, staring at the floor. He reminded Gon a bit of what he was like between the fight with Knuckle and Shoot, and their first separation in East Gorteau. Light. Whispy. Untethered. Like the smallest breeze could whisk him away. Gon would be lying if he said that didn’t worry him, but the issue with being bored was that he had too much time to think. And thinking too much made him fall down his own rabbit hole.

You’re the reason I had to hurt him.

You’re the reason.

You’re the reason.

You’re the reason.

Right. His fault. Too blind and deaf to see what was happening around him, Gon had once again created a situation where someone had to get hurt to keep him safe. He didn’t quite get why he and Killua needed to go their separate ways, but just like Bisky had said, if it had truly been detrimental, his instincts would’ve acted up. That at least, was a way in which they were reliable. And Bisky was right. Nothing she would’ve said back then would’ve convinced him that he and Killua needed to go separate ways. Gon wanted to stay with Killua, and so long as Killua wanted to stay with him, nothing else would have mattered to him. He would have staunchly rejected every reason Bisky threw at him, no matter how rational or convincing. So yes, it was his fault. Like always. If he’d been a little less stubborn, a little less childish, a little less selfish, would Bisky have come to him instead? Or at least, would she have talked to both of them on equal terms? Was the fact that she did so now a sign that he’s finally grown a little? If, once their training here ended, Bisky told them to part ways once again, would Gon listen?

He frowned at the thought. If nothing else, he was much more inclined to simply believe Bisky if she told him it needed to happen for their sakes. Chances are, however, that he’d ignore what was best and stick to wanted anyway. Which was to stay by Killua’s side. The only difference would be that he’d do it knowing full well it probably wasn’t the correct decision. Unless Killua insisted on leaving. In which case … a thrilled shudder ran up Gon’s spine. If Killua left, that would just mean Gon would have to chase him down, wouldn’t it? Chase that enchanting back just like he had that day in the forest. The very idea of it was exhilarating enough to set his nerves on fire. His muscles were already twitching, raring to go all out for that one cause. Gon’s eyes snapped to Killua -

- and immediately the fire was gone. He was staring out the balcony door again, head leaning against the glass. His eyes were dull and lifeless, looking like he was far away, in a dark place somewhere. Gon was pretty sure he was the one who had put him there. His fault. Like always. Gon picked up his pillow and threw it at Killua. He caught it without even looking at it, but he didn’t throw it back. Just wrapped it around his arms and rested his head on it. It had been a halfhearted attempt to coerce Killua into play and Gon never actually believed Kilua would engage. It was still depressing.

~oOo~

“When are you gonna open the door?” Killua asked.

Those were the first words he’d spoken all day. Gon wasn’t entirely surprised. Killua was patient, but Gon was patient and stubborn. Killua might try, but it had always been clear to Gon (and apparently Bisky) who’d cave first.

“When you answer my question,” Gon said.

“What question?” 

“Why did you leave?”

“I already answered that.”

He sounded frustrated. Maybe even a little angry. Killua didn’t get angry - truly angry - at Gon very often, but Gon didn’t let that rattle him. He was used to people being irrationally angry at him.

“No you didn’t,” he simply answered.

Killua clicked his tongue annoyed, and fell silent again. It was surprisingly difficult to just let Killua stew like that until he caved. Gon didn’t think that was something he’d ever done before. What would he usually do in such a situation? He definitely would have opened that door after the last conversation. Killua had made it clear he didn’t want to talk and as far as Gon was concerned, that was the end of the story. If it was now, he’d probably sit down next to Killua and talk things through on as shallow a level as he could, until Killua was placated, and then he’d open the door. So why had Bisky created this setup specifically? One where Gon was motivated to push Killua into something he wasn’t comfortable with, and that made it impossible for Killua to run away from said thing? It was clear Bisky just wanted to help Gon help Killua, but hadn’t Gon made it clear he wanted to do that without hurting Killua even further?

Unless … maybe that wasn’t possible. Killua couldn’t be trusted with himself. It was that newfound piece of knowledge that had almost made Gon decide to ignore what Killua wanted and do something he thought Killua might need instead. Wounds of the heart. Inner injuries. In order to heal, you had to make it hurt first. A cut needed to be disinfected, a dislocated joint needed to be popped into place, a laceration needed to be stitched up. All those things hurt and there was no living creature that actually wanted to go through these procedures. But they were necessary to heal. If that was how the body worked, then inner injuries had to be the same. They needed to hurt before they could heal. Bisky understood that. That’s why she’d made them part ways. That’s why she’d riled Gon into desperately wanting answers. That’s why she’d made it so Killua was forced to stop running away.And Gon, like an idiot, had once again missed such an obvious thing. Gon wanted to help Killua heal. He wanted to help him create pieces of himself. In order to do that, he would have to deliberately hit Killua where it hurt. Another thought that had crossed his mind once in a while. Only this time, it was here to stay. 

~oOo~

That was easier said than done, though. If Gon wasn’t careful, he’d be doing more harm than good. Like he’d done so often before. He hadn’t meant any harm when he wandered into the forest, but his thoughtlessness had forced Kite to kill a mother foxbear. He hadn’t meant any harm years later, when he went into NGL, but his thoughtlessness had forced Kite to sacrifice himself for Gon. He hadn’t meant any harm being friends with Killua either, but his thoughtlessness had forced Bisky to put all the burden on Killua’s shoulder. He was the reason. His fault. As always. Had he grown enough to tread that thin line now? Had he grown at all? Could he really hurt someone - especially someone he loved as much has Killua - in just the right way to make him heal? He wouldn’t mean any harm. But then, he’d never meant any harm. And yet, harm was the only thing he ever caused.

“I wasn’t lying, you know.” Killua spoke again, ripping Gon out of his spiraling thoughts.

“Huh?”

“What I told you about why I left. That wasn’t a lie.” 

Oh. That.

“I know,” Gon answered. “It’s the truth. A very convenient one that you can use as an excuse.”

That made Killua flinch. Gon didn’t have it in him to be sorry. Killua still hadn’t looked at him, after all. Even now, with his eyes dull and darkened, Killua’s snow-white hair and pale skin caught the moonlight and he was beautiful. Ethereal. Maybe even more so than usual, with how despondent he was. The fragile state of mind he was only highlighted, somehow. As Gon’s gaze fell back to his bandaged hands, he idly wondered who exactly Killua had been trying to convince. 

Gon took off his bandages the next morning and immediately knew he’d have to reapply them. His hands were still a mess. Muscles torn to shreds, tendons hanging loosely, bits of bone were still visible through it all. This would be a pain to wrap up. At least the rest had healed, even if his ribcage still felt a little raw.

“Let me help with that,” came Killua’s voice from beside him.

Gon looked up from where he was sitting to find Killua still not quite looking at him. Gon could forgive that. Killua had come to him, after all.

“Sure,” he therefore smiled.

Killua sat down in front of him and methodically began inspecting Gon’s hands. The frown on his face was deep and Gon could only guess as to the myriad of things that had to be running through his mind. Should Gon ask? Should he push? Should he use that dangerous power he had over Killua to make him give in to his wants? Or was it better to be careful? Wait until Killua came to him? What about before? At the world tree? Should gon have asked? Should he have pushed? Would Killua have told him? Were there other times? Times when Gon should have opened his mouth instead of stepping back and letting Killua do what he wanted? Should he have pushed Killua into fighting Shoot more often? Should he not have allowed him to continue playing in the dodgeball game? Should he have gone after the spiders alone? How many times had Gon made the wrong decision? 

“I can hear you thinking stupid thoughts,” Killua said, gaze still trained on Gon’s hands.

Under other circumstances, Gon would’ve loved that. Loved how Killua was using one of his phrases against him. Not right now though.

“You’re on to talk,” Gon shot back.

Killua fell silent again. Just for a few minutes, until he was finished cleaning up Gon’s hands and reached for the bandage.

“What’s going through your mind?” He asked.

“Still wondering,” Gon answered, “if not talking to you about leaving the right thing to do. Was that a mistake, do you think?”

Killua’s movements stilled.

“I don’t know,” he answered. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if you’d asked. If I would have told you, or if I would have run away. Maybe we would never have separated. Maybe we would’ve fought bitterly and parted on bad terms, never to see each other again. I really don’t know. But …” his gaze dropped even further, down to the ground, “I like … how always let me do what I want.”

He took a deep breath and that’s when Gon realized he was finally caving. He was going to talk. In this case at least, waiting had been the right thing to do. Gon would make sure to listen. To hang on to every word Killua was going to say.

“I like how you never tell me what to do,” he continued. “Even if it’s things that others would call stupid or reckless or dangerous. Things other people would try and stop me from doing for my own sake. You never did that. Unless it’s small, stupid games or contests, or something. If you were of a different opinion, you’d explain it to me. If I was lost, you gave me the possible route forward you liked best. But you never pushed me or forced me into anything. You let me take my own path and let me make my own mistakes. It’s freeing, being treated like that. That’s why … that’s why I love being by your side. There’s no other place I’d rather be.” 

There was a lump forming in Gon’s throat. One he had difficulty swallowing down. He never would have thought he’d feel this relieved hearing such words. He’d always known that Killua genuinely enjoyed spending time with him. That he was happy following Gon around on his endless chase. That Gon was doing good by Killua. But … maybe … maybe those doubts had been sitting a bit deeper than he’d realized. They had to be, if the weight that fell off his shoulders made this much of a difference.

“I don’t think I can treat you like that all the time anymore,” Gon whispered. That was all his voice was capable of creating right now.

“I know,” Killua said, squeezing Gon’s hand a little. A small gesture or reassurance. “I’ve realized that I … shy away from things I shouldn’t shy away from. Like this, for example. Talking about … well … things. Things that are important. Being honest like this … it scares me. But it needs to happen, right? Because if it doesn’t, nothing will ever get better.”

Finally, Killua looked Gon in the eye again. It was just a glance from under his eyelashes. Quick and barely noticeable, but Gon had caught it. And it made his breath hitch.

“You noticed that long before I did, didn’t you?” Killua continued after he looked away again. “And you’ve been trying to push me in the right direction. You haven’t done a good job being subtle about it. I don’t really know in which … which ways you’re trying to push me. What else I’m shying away from that I shouldn’t be. But I’m happy you’re doing it. I needed that freedom back then, after all those years of being kept on such a short leash by my family. But now, I think being pushed might be better. If I used to love spending time with you because it’s freeing, now I love being by your side because you’re making me grow into a better person.”

He squeezed Gon’s hands, just a little bit, a small, sad frown appearing on his face. “I should have told you that much sooner. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Gon whispered. That was all his voice was capable of creating right now. “I always knew.”

“Maybe,” Killua answered. “But you deserved to hear it anyway.”

Deserve? Gon had never even considered that. When he wanted something that didn’t kill someone else, he’d get it. When people offered him something he liked, he’d take it. When people asked something of him he could give, he’d give it. It really was that simple. What he deserved or didn’t deserve had never really played a role. Had never even crossed his mind.

“You know,” Killua continued, ripping Gon out of his thoughts once again, “even back then there were times when I didn’t like that you would let me do as I pleased.” The frown on his face had deepened. There was that expression again. Regret? Guilt? Shame? All of the above? “There were times when I wished that you’d say something. Like … when we went to the world tree.”

Killua squeezed his hands again, with a bit more force this time. Enough to hurt. Gon bit down the flinch, not wanting to scare him away. This was too important to make any mistakes.

“I wanted you to say that you want to stay with me,” Killua’s voice was thick. “I wanted you to say ‘come meet Ging with me’ or ‘wait for me to come back down’ or ‘can I come travel with you this time’. If you had said something, anything at all, I would’ve found some excuse to keep breaking my promise to Bisky. If you had done that, it would’ve made me so happy. At that moment, I hated that you could tell. I hated that you were so careful to never push me into anything. So it’s good you’re not doing that as much now.”

Ah. There it was. The truth Gon had been waiting for. 

“You were correct when you said that Alluka was an excuse,” Killua continued. “I did that a lot after Bisky’s promise. ‘You don’t have any Nen for a month, so I have to stick around to protect you’. ‘We’ve been paired up for the East Gorteau mission, so I have to stay’. ‘Only Nanika can save you, so I have to go free her and Alluka’. I just kept picking the truth that was most convenient for me to use as an excuse to do what I wanted to do. I probably did that even before the fight against Shoot. I probably still do it now.”

That wasn’t exactly a fair way for him to think of himself. Things had been difficult for everyone back then, including Gon. But he wouldn’t touch that today. That was a problem for another time. Today, he would let Killua speak his mind.

“In all honesty, if it weren’t for Bisky, I don’t think I would’ve ever even considered going off on my own. But then we went on solo missions in East Gorteau and then everything in the castle happened and then you … you nearly … died, and I went to get Alluka and I felt so guilty for having left her there all those years and I actually managed to stand up to my family and just … so much happened. Maybe it was Bisky who put the idea in my head first, but by the time we went to the world tree, I realized that she was right. That I had to leave you. That it would be … better this way. Even if I didn’t want to.”

It didn’t really answer Gon’s question. He still didn’t know if he had done the right thing. But there was an odd sort of comfort in knowing that Killua didn’t know either. It put his own mind at ease, reminded him that there was no use pondering questions that had no answer. He focused on Killua instead and all the things he’d laid bare to him. There was more. Much, much more. But for the moment, Gon was satisfied. And Killua, though still drained, looked a lot better having gotten all of that off his chest. The bags under his eyes were still deep, his cheeks were still sunken, but the light was slowly but surely returning to his eyes. It was a welcome sight.

“Thank you,” Gon said, “for telling me all of that.”

This time, Killua looked at Gon properly. More than just a quick glance. Gon made sure to meet it with the warmest, most thankful smile he could muster. That did something to Killua. His eyes went huge for a moment in that way it always did when Gon knocked Killua’s world off its axis. Then, it broke a little. That mess of emotions that always left Gon in awe of how much Killua could feel at once. He didn’t have time to decipher any of this time though. Killua looked back at Gon’s hands, hiding his face underneath his wild mop. He didn’t try to keep the tears from falling on Gon’s halfway done bandages though.

“Tell me when you’re ready to open the door.” Gon said. 

Killua nodded softly.

Chapter Text

The first thing Killua did when he laid eyes on Bisky was to punch her in the face. This was followed by an aghast shriek from Aunt Mito and a delighted set of cackles from Alluka. 

“YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!” Killua howled. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST LOCKED US IN A ROOM FOR THREE DAYS STRAIGHT! DO YOU THINK WE’RE FUCKING FIVE YEAR OLDS YOU CAN JUST PUT IN TIME OUT OR SOMETHING???”

Bisky calmly wiped the blood off her nose, not rattled by the punch or the shouting. Knowing what Gon knew about Bisky, she had obviously allowed Killua’s to hit her. There was no way Killua wasn’t aware of that.

“Don’t flatter yourself, brat,” she answered. “Five-year- olds are much more mature than the two of you. You should be glad that a good beating and some grounding was all you got.”

“What, you’re trying to act like you’re our mother now? An old hag like you?” Killua barked. “Are your long lost mommy-instincts resurfacing or something? A few decades too late for that, if you ask me.”

“Killua …” Gon tried to soothe.

He was being nasty, even by his standards. And Bisky was having none of it. 

“You obviously need someone to mother you!” She spat back. “You especially, Killua! Gon at least has some decent manners and social skills, but you? You’re spoiled rotten! You’re rude, arrogant and irresponsible. You still run away at the first sign of trouble, you’re incapable of facing the consequences of your own actions, and you can’t stand on your own two feet to save your life! Isn’t that why you’re still attached to Gon like velcro even after I told you to separate?”

Killua recoiled as if the blow had been physical. It immediately reminded Gon that there was more to figure out, more going on in Killua’s head that he hadn’t revealed yet, more nuances to everything that Gon hadn’t been able to grasp yet. 

“So I’m stepping up,” Bisky continued. “No one else managed to raise you two overgrown, superpowered toddlers properly, so I’m picking up the slack. No offense Mito, you did your best, but those kids are more than most people can handle and that includes you.”

“No - none taken,” Auto Mito stuttered.

Gon could kind of understand her shock. She’d only seen Bisky at her most pleasant. Bisky the trainer and Bisky the Hunter were two very different sides of her. Just because Gon and Killua were familiar with that didn’t mean Aunt Mito was. Besides … Much like Killua was nastier than usual, Bisky was being harsher than usual.

“But,” she said, already sounding a bit less provocative, “I guess you have made some strides. You,” she gestured at Killua, “were always judging the people around you to distract yourself from your own shortcomings. Now, that insecure boy is slowly learning to face himself.”

Killua glanced at Gon for a moment, before looking downwards again. There was a deep frown on his face, paired with a blush on his face, but it didn’t look pleased at all. More like … humiliated. Not that what Bisky said wasn’t correct. If nothing else, that last talked had proved as much to Gon (though he must’ve realized that on some subconscious level much earlier. Otherwise, Killua actually opening up would’ve come as much more of a surprise.)

“Stupid, know-it-all hag,” he muttered under his breath.

“As for you,” Bisky gestured at Gon, “you were so caught in your own head, you never even bothered to consider that people might think differently than you do. And yet, here you are, learning to see the world through other people’s eyes.”

Gon blinked. What exactly was he supposed to make of that? It was a compliment obviously, but … hmm … he wasn’t entirely certain how he felt about it.

“Getting stronger isn’t always a physical thing,” Bisky caught his attention again. There was something heavy in her voice, something the way she looked so despondent reflected. “Sometimes, my job as a trainer and mentor is to help my students become stronger in a different way.” Her eyes snapped back to them. “If I had it my way, the two of you would stay separated a while longer. But …”

Her eyes swayed over to Gon, and he knew exactly why. The mere mention of a separation had rekindled that fire that was slowly becoming a little too familiar. He immediately banished the memory of chasing Killua’s back from his mind to extinguish it.

“Alluka, Mito,” Bisky turned to the other two in the room, “since we’re airing things out anyway, is there anything you want to add?”

Both of them shook their heads frantically. Gon didn’t buy that for even a single second. Absolutely they had things they wanted to say, but there was no way they were going to open their mouths in front of the absolute force of nature that was Bisky in her no-nonsense mode.

“Then with that settled, let’s get back to work,” Bisky huffed. “Pat has been waiting anxiously. If I let them wait much longer, they might just kidnap Alluka from right under my nose.”

Of course. They expected as much. Bisky was never one to waste any time or give people a minute to breathe, after all. One of the reasons Gon and Killua had waited for a few more hours to open the door was so that they’d be ready to face exactly that situation. Thus, the four three of them - that being Alluka, Killua and Gon - trotted after Bisky obediently while Mito slowly waved them goodbye. No doubt she would need a few minutes to digest that particular scene. 

“I still want to punch her a few more times”, Killua grumbled under his breath. “Why are you so calm?You should be way angrier than me!”

“I got a few good hits in before she locked us away, so I’m good,” Gon whispered back. 

“Remind me to punch you for that, too, once your hands are all healed.”

Gon wasn’t entirely certain what his hands had to do with it, but it’s not like it mattered. Killua would never actually punch him, no matter what he said. If he would, he’d have already done it the last few times Gon got himself seriously injured.

~oOo~

The moment the group entered Pat’s laboratory in the basement, all of Gon’s hairs stood on end. He couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but something down here was extremely, horrifyingly wrong. It made his skin crawl, made his heartbeat reverb through his veins until he could feel it in his ears. He was on alert, every single one of his senses sharpened to its absolute maximum. Maybe it was the cacophony of smells that was putting him in such a state. He could make out an odd mixture of latex, alcohol, disinfectants, and a whole slew of other smells Gon couldn’t even begin to guess (they all stank to high heaven though). Gon had never been in a laboratory before, but if this was how they all smelled, he vowed never to set foot in one again. He had a feeling there was something else about this place though. Something other than the smells that made his blood curdle the way it did. A quick scan of his companions told him that Alluka felt similar, judging by her wide open eyes, pressed together lips and shallow breaths, while Killua and Bisky looked perfectly unperturbed. If anything, Killua was a little anxious about how he and Alluka were reacting, if the way he kept glancing at them was anything to go by.

The room Pat took them to was reminiscent of a very spacious doctor’s office. Gon had no idea to the specific nature of their Nen-research, but judging by this room, they had to be working with humans on at least a semi-regular basis. When Pat left the room for a moment, Gon decided to ask.

“They have the privilege of researching my students' Hatsu in exchange for helping them further understand and develop them,” Bisky answered. “There’s an experimentation room down here as well that’s secured with several layers of Nen to make it indestructible. The exact workings of many Hatsu are still somewhat of a mystery, especially those of conjurers and specialists, so Pat has a vested interest in testing them.”

Ah, that made sense. When he thought about it, Gon did understand how Kurapika managed to create chains, but not really how those chains managed to do certain things. And Knuckle’s math robot was even more of an enigma to him (though that might have to do with the fact that it did maths and maths in general was beyond his understanding).

The sound of Pat’s footsteps told Gon that they were on his way back, but there was another sound accompanying them. A whine of sorts. One that sounded distinctly scared and just screamed of a history of unimaginable hurt, but not one of any animal or beast Gon could think of. In a way, it sounded like it didn’t even belong to a living creature at all.

But even with that thought, absolutely nothing could have prepared Gon for what he was about to lay eyes on. Out of a small crate, Pat pulled what seemed like a fox-tailed squirrel at first glance. But its head was too long and its front teeth too sharp, making it more reminiscent of a swimrat. Also …. it had wings. Not wing-like skin between its limbs like the flying squirrels Gon had seen in books, but actual feathered wings growing out of its back. And the noises it made … small whimpers, no doubt too high for anyone else in the room to pick up on but him, but they sounded so painfully wrong that it drove shudders over shudders down Gon’s spine every time it made a sound. Just what on earth was this thing?

“How cool,” Killua breathed. “What is that? I’ve never seen anything like it!”

“Of course you haven’t,” Pat grinned. “This is the only specimen in existence.”

“The only one?” Killua asked again. “Are they all extinct?”

“~Of course not~” Pat sing-sang, “it’s the only one that exists because it’s the only one I made.”

It dawned on Gon right then and there what they were dealing with.

“What do you mean, ‘you made it’?” Killua asked again.

“A chimera,” Gon breathed.

“~Cooooorrect~”

A chimera. An artificial chimera. A being that was ripped apart and then put back together. Three creatures, from the looks of it.

“A chimera? Seriously? I didn’t even know you could do that!” Killua’s voice sounded far away.

“ ‘YOU’ can’t. ~I’m the only one~” 

Where was the rest of this creature? The squirrel’s head? The rat's body? Whatever was used for the wings? One of those really small owls, perhaps? What had happened to those?

“Weren’t you a Nen-researcher? Why did you make a chimera?”

“This is Nen-research! This one in particular was a result of a chain of experiments studying how the Nen signatures of different creatures would react if they were forced to coexist in a single entity!”

The chimera caught Gon’s eyes. Realized he was staring at it, probably. And it knew! Like most animals did, that something innate, something deep inside of him, could understand it. The pained, ultrasonic sounds, the wide fearful eyes, the quick panicked breathing.

“And what was the result?”

“They merge into one and form something entirely new. Unlike its patchy appearance, its Aura is distinctly that of a single creature.”

It shouldn’t exist! It couldn’t exist! Something like this creature was wrong, went against every law of nature. it shouldn’t be possible. And yet, here it was. Terrified and in pain and nearly ripping apart at the seams, but it was here, existing, in the same space as them when it really shouldn't. When it couldn’t. How? How, how, how? Gon didn’t understand! Couldn’t understand!

“The truly fascinating thing is that in some cases - such as this one - the specific Aura qualities of the different components create a Nen Ability. What we have on our hands is a man-made magical beast.”

“No way!”

Alluka’s hands were fisting into his shirt and Gon barely noticed. The creature was suffering. It was suffering so much. It understood its own existence, the wrongness of it, how much of a bastardization it was of the very idea of life. It wanted to die. It was begging to die. No creature ever did that. Some humans maybe, perhaps other creatures of similar intelligence like the Chimera Ants, but no beast ! And yet, here it was, begging and begging and begging and Gon could barely stand the sheer despair of its whimpers.

“This one here has developed the ability to adapt its Aura to that of  another living creature. In layman’s terms … it almost literally gets on the same wavelength as them.”

“Because our current theory is that Alluka’s Hatsu requires the cooperation of another creature! If we have one that vibes with hers, we might get some correspondence!”

He couldn’t let this continue. It was wrong! So, so wrong! Gon had never thought of things in wrong or right before, never really considered that to be a thing that existed, but this was it! This was wrong! In every possible conceivable way was the mere existence of this creature wrong ! Having created it was wrong, using it was wrong, forcing it to continue living was wrong, and Gon couldn’t - couldn’t -

“Gon-nii,” Alluka whispered into his back, her voice small and scared, a quiet plea that Gon understood on the most fundamental of levels.

“I know,” Gon whispered back. “Nanika, come out.”

Alluka left, but Nanika only tightened her hold on Gon’s shirt, her eyes those sad dark scribbles and her tears already falling. Immediately, Gon knew that Nanika was perceiving this creature even more visceral than he and Alluka were. Problem was, Killua had never stopped keeping an eye on them. And neither had Bisky.

“Nanika - ” Gon said and Nanika leaned her head into him to show she was listening.

“Nanika?” Killua’s eyes snapped towards them, suddenly wide and alert.

“NO, GON -” Bisky tried to intervene.

“- Kill it!”

“- WAIT!”

“‘Kay.”

There was a horrifying squeal that felt like it would rip Gon’s eardrums, so he covered Nanika’s in an attempt to protect hers at least, and next he knew all that was left was blood. On the walls, the furniture, their clothes, hair and skin. Such a small, tiny creature, enough to douse them all in blood as it was crushed to death. It was the first time Gon had witnessed Nanika kill someone … something. Something in Gon told him that he should be terrified by the otherworldly power on display, an invisible force crushing a creature until only liquid was left of it, but Gon couldn’t bring himself to care. This seemingly impossible feat was much more right than the disturbing existence of that heart wrenching creature had been. The harrowing whimpers had finally stopped and he could breathe again.

“Did you just force a command from Nanika?!” Killua hissed.

He sounded carefully neutral. That tone he took to when he was pulling everything within himself together to keep his emotions at bay. It wasn’t usually a tone he took with Gon. He had to be angry, but still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, Gon had never forced a wish or command from Nanika before.

“No!” Nanika answered for him and Killua’s carefully schooled mask immediately melted. “Gon-nii … did good. Onii-chan, bad.”

“What …?”

Crap, that’s not where this was supposed to go.

“Nanika no!” Gon said before Killua could even begin to look as crestfallen as he definitely felt. “It’s not his fault. He didn’t hear it. He couldn’t have known.”

Killua’s eyes snapped from Gon to Nanika and back. “Hear what? Know what?”

“The chimera,” Gon pulled Nanika further into his chest when buried her face in his shirt. “It was begging to be killed. Every minute was agony for it. It shouldn’t have been able to exist, it should’ve died the second it was created, but it was forced to live all this time.”

Understanding dawned on Killua and Gon could tell the exact moment a thought crossed his face.

“Forced to live …” he thought out loud, before his eyes slowly moved back to Pat.

A smile found its way onto their face, wide and eerie like the day they’d first crossed paths. Right, of course. How had he not thought of that earlier? If this creature was never meant to keep existing, that meant there had to be a driving force behind it continually staying alive. Something that kept it forcibly kept it together in defiance of all the laws of nature. Something … or someone. Pat had done so much more than just create the chimera.

“What did you do ?” Gon hissed.

“I believe that’s none of your business,” Bisky interrupted. “Gon, I’m afraid you and Alluka will have to leave the Island. You’re hereby officially banned.”

“ What? ” Killua snapped.

But the words had barely even registered to Gon, still focused on Pat and wondering, fearing , just what on earth they had done to create such a creature, to keep it alive, if they even knew, if they could hear its cries, feel its pain, realise how wrong it was and how much it hurt every. single. second.

“~ No need, no need!~ I forgive them,” Pat sing-sang and they slithered over to where Gon was standing, still with Nanika in his arms. “~ What I just saw was so iiiiinteresting!~ I want to study it!”

Gon pulled Nanika even deeper into his arms. No way this devil would ever get its hands on her.

“Pat!” Bisky warned.

“What?” Pat asked, “It’s a fair deal, isn’t it? They broke the deal, I get to break it back, we’re all even. No need for banishment, ~riiiiight?~”

“What deal?” Killua demanded. “What the hell is happening?! Bisky!”

Bisky let out a long suffering sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. In that moment, she actually looked as old as she was, even if her actual childlike appearance hadn’t changed the slightest. 

“There are a few rules you don’t know about to ensure that we don’t get in each other’s way,” Bisky explained. “Pat isn’t allowed to do any questionable research on my students. If they hurt any of them, they get their hunters license revoked and their usually highly illegal research methods will no longer be protected by the Hunter exam. In return, I keep the students under control and make sure that whatever moral compass said students might have will not interfere with Pat’s research. If they sabotage them in any way, they’re banned from the Island for good.”

“Oh, this is bad,” Killua groaned. 

“It’s okay Killua,” Gon said. It was an automatic answer. One he didn’t think through. He didn’t have to. Alluka had to stay with Bisky, and Nanika must not be touched by this person. There really was only one solution. “Pat can experiment on me.”

“ Gon! ” Killua said, his voice a sharp hiss and Gon could not remember the last time he’d heard him this freaked out.

“Gon, I really don’t think you understand what you’re consenting to here,” Bisky added and even her voice had a note of panicked urgency to it.

But Gon’s head was calm and his resolve steeled. He wouldn’t allow anything to stop him from getting the outcome he wanted, especially if he knew exactly what to do to get it.

“No, I do,” he answered, before his eyes snapped back to Pat. “Anything you want, I’ll do it. Anything I’ve got, I’ll give to you. Work me to the bone, lock me up for eternity, tear me apart and put me back together at your whims, I don’t care. Let Alluka stay, keep her and Nanika out of your perverted research, and you have my word that I’ll let you do with me as you please.”

“ GON! ” Killua hissed again, sounding downright frightened .

“Gon, there’s no need for this!” Bisky pleaded. “I’m barely home anyway, I can take Alluka with me and train her as we travel!”

Gon ignored both of them. As did Pat.

“~Iiiiinteresting~” they sing-sang, wrapping themselves around Gon and Nanika until they were nose to nose with Gon. 

He’d been right all these days ago. This person was dangerous , and Gon hadn’t been able to figure out in what way because there was nothing natural about this kind of danger. Just like the chimera, it shouldn’t be able to exist.

“I’ve never had a subject before that happily obliged with my more deep-reaching research. Especially not an unknown creature like you. I wonder if it’ll affect how your Nen behaves at all. ~How fun, how fun! I want to stuuuuudy it!~”

“ NO! ”

In an instant, Killua was between them, sparks of electricity flying off his hair. His face was pale, irises small, shaking like a leaf with cold sweat breaking out on his skin. Killua felt cornered. That once in a blue moon event was happening again.

“ I’ll do it,” he said.

Ah, so Killua was back there . In that odd place where his voice was calm as a lake and turbulent as a storm at once. 

“I’ll be your guinea-pig.” 

And Gon had thought he’d made progress.

“I’m a Zoldyck. That makes me just as interesting a research subject, doesn’t it?”

He had hoped Killua was learning to value himself. 

“And I’m used to torture. No matter what you throw at me, I can take it.”

That he wouldn’t throw himself away so easily for other people’s sake.

“That’s valuable to you, isn’t it? 

But from the looks of it -

“I’ll let you experiment on me, so leave them alone!”

- he’d been wrong. 

“Killua.” His voice sounded foreign to his own ears. It shouldn’t be surprising then, that Killua looked like he was seeing a ghost when he turned to him. “That’s enough.”

Killua looked like he wanted to protest. Gon was pretty sure he was going to protest, despite the disbelieving look on face. But Gon spoke first.

“It’s going to be alright. Pat’s not going to kill me.”

“Of course not!” Pat huffed. “I’m a Nen-researcher, not a sadist! Gon is a one of a kind specimen. Why would I kill off the only half-human hybrid ever discovered when I can get so much more out of him by keeping him alive?”

Of course, what state of ‘alive’ he would be kept in was another question altogether. In a way, the chimera had been ‘alive’ as well, no matter how fundamentally wrong its existence had been. And maybe, if Killua had been a little calmer and capable of thinking things through, he would’ve understood that. But he wasn’t. He felt cornered, one of the very few occasions in which Killua’s ability to think rationally was impaired. It was all Gon had to bank on to get his way this time.

“Wait, half-human hybrid?” Bisky interrupted them again. “Gon still has his human half?”

His human half? That’s right, Pat had just called him that! He had barely even noticed. There was so much happening, Gon’s head was beginning to reel.

“Why wouldn’t he have it?” Pat asked, actually looking perplexed for once.

“We theorized that he must’ve given that up to regain his Nen,” Bisky answered.

“That’s silly. His Aura is constantly changing, isn’t it? If he was fully human or fully something else, it would stay the same.”

Bisky looked like someone had just slapped her in the face. Again. That was twice in a week and half. Pat really was something else.

“That is not more important right now,” Killua chimed in. “You’re not allowing Gon to offer himself as a guinea-pig to a mad scientist, are you?”

“Okay, halt everything, this is getting too chaotic!” Bisky barked. She pointed at Killua “You calm down first! Panicking never helped anyone with anything!”

Crap. There went the tension. Killua would start thinking again and that would just make everything so much more complicated. Why was Bisky always so unshakable?

“You,” Bisky pointed at him, “are not going to say another word until I give the okay. All of us -” she gestures into the room, “should really go take a shower and get all of that blood off us. And Pat,” she turned to the person in question, “can we have some time to talk this over? I need to talk some sense into those stupid, reckless students of mine. Again! ”

Pat did not exactly look pleased about this, until their eyes met Gon’s. He wasn’t entirely certain what they saw in him, but it must have pleased them in some way. That wide, creepy grin was back on their face when they looked back at Bisky.

“~With pleasure~” they sang. “I wish you lots of patience. ~You’ll need it~” 

Chapter Text

Gon was on his knees. It’s not like he felt particularly small or ashamed, but being glared at by the triple threat that was Bisky, Killua and Alluka, was enough to make even him relent. However reluctantly. He still put on a defiant pout on his face, though. As far as he was concerned, he’d done nothing wrong.

“I don’t even know where to start,” Bisky finally broke the heavy silence.

“How about with calling him an idiot?” Killua suggested.

“Or a moron,” Alluka added.

“No, none of those are nearly scathing enough,” Bisky said.

Thus, Killua whipped out his phone - the newest version of the beetle, which they’d ordered together with the rest of the list they made the other day, and began searching. Gon remembered that they would have to unpack the rest of the boxes before long. He idly wondered if Pat would leave him in any state to do so, or if that task would fall entirely upon Killua.

“We have,” Killua began anew, “dummy, lunatic, prat, loser, numbskull, mutt, dolt, dimwit, know-nothing, ignoramus, donkey, knucklehead, dunce, jackass, dunderhead, chucklehead, dullard, bonehead, blockhead, simpleton, nitwit, doofus, natural airhead, cretin, goon, ninny, loon, pinhead, half-wit, oaf, goof, dumbhead, lunkhead, jerk, clown, nimrod, meathead, hardhead, nincompoop, birdbrain, clodpole and featherbrain. I gotta remember some of those, they’re pretty good.”

“Numbskull is pretty accurate,” Bisky noted drily.

“I vote for donkey,” Alluka held up her hand. 

“I don’t know, I think lunatic is the most fitting,” Killua thought out loud.

“Alright, I get it already. I’m stupid,” Gon grumbled.

“No, I really don’t think you get it,” Bisky snarled. 

That was alone to make Gon think twice about opening his mouth again. He decided it wouldn’t be worth it and kept it closed.

“Where do I even begin?” She asked again.

“By calling him a dimwit,” Killua answered.

“You want to take his place?” Bisky whirled around. “Because I have a bone to pick with you too, and we can do this right now!”

Killua shook his head as hard as he could. 

“Thought so! Then shut your smartass mouth!” She turned back to Gon. “Did you even consider thinking things through before you opened your big fat mouth down there?”

Of course he did. He always did. Gon really didn’t get why everybody always seemed to believe the opposite. But he had a sinking feeling that if he argued that, Bisky would skin him alive, so he continued to keep his mouth shut instead. He did make sure that pout got a bit bigger though. Just because he could.

“I always knew you were impulsive and reckless,” Bisky continued, “but to think you’d offer yourself up as a labrat to a crazy scientist! What on earth was going through that non-existent brain of yours?!?”

Gon mumbled the answer under his breath that he knew the other three wouldn’t be able to pick up. He didn’t really think they were interested in hearing the answer anyway.

“What was that?” Bisky snapped.

Gon did too. Snap, that is. His patience with this ridiculous scolding was reaching a limit. He was surrounded by three people who were so much smarter than him, so how on earth was he the only one who understood why he offered himself up? 

“I said, I was thinking of Alluka!”

“I don’t remember asking you to become a guinea-pig for me,” Alluka spat. 

That did actually make Gon feel a little smaller. Up until now, any ire she had, had always been geared towards her brother. Being on the receiving end of it felt even more punishing than disappointing Aunt Mito. He’d have to apologize to Killua for giving him a hard time about this.

“If you leave, you’ll be back in the same situation you were in on Whale Island,” Gon explained. “Handed over to whoever has time for you at the moment, entirely outside of your control. But that’s not good enough anymore. You’re learning to fly. You should be allowed to choose now.”

Alluka and Bisky glanced at each other. Gon could guess at what they were thinking. Gon never struggled for words, but it’s not like he was good at speaking in metaphors or waxing poetics. Those were very much not words he’d usually chose. No, those had been Killua’s words, from what felt like half a lifetime ago and just yesterday all at once. And he looked stricken.

“Here, you can at least decide if you want to stay on the estate or accompany Bisky,” Gon said. “It’s not much, but as you grow stronger, you’ll be able to grasp more choices with your own two hands. That’s not something I’m willing to give up.”

Reactions to his reasoning were mixed. Killua was looking away, seeming to feel guilty for reasons Gon couldn’t even begin to grasp at. Alluka’s face was an odd mixture of looking touched and looking angry. Bisky, on the other hand, looked thoroughly unimpressed.

“Then you shouldn’t have told Nanika to kill the Chimera,” she said.

“That wasn’t his fault,” Alluka piped in. “I begged him to. Nanika and I both did!”

“That didn’t matter,” Gon protested. “I would’ve killed it with my own two hands if they hadn’t asked.”

“I know that!” Bisky scowled. “Neither of you had any right to kill it. You’re both responsible for this entire mess.”

“We had to!” Alluka pleaded. “You don’t understand Bisky, you didn’t hear it, it was -”

“I do understand! Much better than you think!”

For a moment, just a moment, a flash of pained horror crossed her face. There and then gone, but it was enough for Gon to know that she was telling the truth. Bisky had heard it. She’d felt it. And not just today.

“You knew …” Gon breathed. “You’ve known all this time … and you didn’t put a stop to it?”

“Am I the only one out of the loop here?” Killua asked. “If you could all hear the chimera, why couldn't I?”

“Don’t be such a worrywart, brat,” Bisky answered. “You’re the normal one here. People can’t usually perceive it unless it resonates its Aura with yours. When Pat created it, I was the first person it resonated with. That’s the only reason I know. If I’d known you two would pick up on it, I’d have insisted on working some other way. No one should ever have to experience something like that.”

Yeah … Gon could agree with that sentiment. It was a horrible thing to comprehend. He wouldn’t wish it on anyone. He hated that Alluka and Nanika had been put through this. He hated that this was something one could be put through to begin with. That chimera should never have existed.

“Was it really that bad?” Killua asked again.

“It haunted my nightmares for months, and I’ve seen things,” Bisky answered. “It’s an entirely different type of horror than Nanika. She’s incomprehensible and that’s what makes her so terrifying, But Pat’s chimera … they’re like … like …”

“Like something existing outside of the laws of the universe,” Alluka whispered.

“Like the world itself does not allow it to exist,” Gon finished.

“Then how does it exist?” Killua asked again.

Bisky shrugged a little helplessly. “That’s the horror of it. It shouldn’t, but it does. Forced to keep living when all the forces of the world push against its very existence.” 

The silence that followed was deafening and Gon hated it. It gave him space to remember it. Remember its whimpers, its misery, the sheer wrongness of its existence. It chilled him to his bones. Bisky was right, that creature would haunt him in his nightmares for months to come.

“Okay, so taking Alluka away from here is out of the question,” Killua broke the silence.

“Is it?” Bisky snarled. 

“It is!” Killua snapped back. “And I guess I kinda get why Gon, Alluka and Nanika needed to kill the chimera. But letting Pat have their way with Gon is still not a solution.”

“Is too!” Gon argued. “You’re all thinking that I’ll end up like the chimera, but that’s not what’s going to happen. Pat will want to study me for as long as possible in as natural a habitat as possible. They’ll probably just put a chip in me or something that can read my Nen and send the data back to them, and then send me on my way. Once in a while, they’ll have me come in to check a few things, maybe run a few stress tests, and that’ll be the end of the story.”

Alluka and Bisky looked at him like he’d grown a second head. Which was kind of rude, honestly.

“What?” Gon asked.

“Yeah, Gon actually knows his stuff when it comes to animals and animal research,” Killua intervened. “Hard to believe, I know. Took me a while, too.”

Okay, definitely rude. Did everybody just actually, genuinely believe that he was stupid? 

“Don’t think I didn’t hear what you said, though,” Killua turned to Gon. “What does a ‘stress test’ entail?”

Crap. Killua had him there. How to wriggle out of that one …

“Nothing that will permanently break or damage me,” Gon tried. “Pat is going to want me fully intact for as long as possible.”

“Then I don’t see why I can’t do it.” Gon opened his mouth to argue before Killua crouched down in front of him to meet him at eye level. So he wasn’t done talking, then. “Listen, Gon. I know you’re tougher than nails. I know you can take things that would make most people faint without even batting an eyelash. I was the one who bandaged up your mangled hands, I saw how bad they were, and you didn’t even so much as let out a whimper. But there’s a difference between getting injured in battle, and having injuries methodically inflicted on you in a controlled setting you can’t fight back in. Trust me on that. I know what I’m talking about.”

Of course he did. Gon knew. He’d seen Killua’s many, many scars. All of them faint and barely noticeable, so they’ve been well treated, but they were there nonetheless. Some of them small, some of them large. Some of them long, some of them short. Some of them winding, others straight as an arrow. All manner of scars decorated Killua’s body. So yes, Gon knew. And Gon trusted every single word that left Killua’s lips. He always had and he always would. But Killua still couldn’t take Gon’s place.

“Killua,” Gon said, “if I offer myself up, I might walk away with a few new scars at worst. If you offer yourself up, you might not survive the first hour.”

There was a sharp intake of breath from Alluka and a dangerous narrowing of the eyes from Bisky. Killua himself looked about as offended as if Gon had just spit on him.

“Explain!” he hissed.

So Gon did. 

“You’re human, Killua. Pat has plenty of data on humans, so there’s no need to observe one in any sort of natural habitat. They’d want to further their research into other directions. Zoldycks are known for being incredibly tough. If I was Pat and I got my hands on a Zoldyck, I’d want to know how far I would have to push for one of the toughest specimens of the human race to break.”

Killua’s already pale face went even paler as understanding settled into his bones. Even Alluka and Bisky behind him looked disturbed. None of them had taken this into consideration. And yet, Gon was the one who had been forced to his knees for a scolding.

“Okay …” Killua whispered, then again, a bit louder as he straightened back up, “Okay. You got us fair and square. You’ve obviously thought this through a lot more than we have so you have my blessing.”

“Onii-chan!” Alluka protested. “You can’t let him do that! I’m fine with being handed from person to person for a few more years if it means Gon-nii doesn’t get hurt! There’s no guarantee that Pat wants what Gon said they want. What if they actually do want to torture him or kill him or vivisect him or make a chimera out of him? We can’t let that happen! It was our fault to begin with, I was the one who begged him to kill the chimera and Nanika was the one who did it! Onii-chan, please !”

“Alluka …”

It was a difficult situation for Killua to be in. Stuck between the two people he couldn’t say no to when they truly wanted something, wanting two opposite things. Gon wasn’t certain how to solve that situation, and he wasn’t interested in doing so anyway. So it was lucky for Killua that Bisky intervened.

“If I understand Gon correctly, then out of all for you, that being Gon himself, Killua, Alluka and Nanika, the only one truly in danger of being irreparably harmed or killed in the name of research is Killua,” she said. “So Alluka, if you and Nanika are not on board with letting Gon sacrifice himself for you, then how about you join him?”

“ WHAT ?” Gon and Killua bellowed in unison.

“Are you crazy?!?” Killua cried.

“We’re doing all this so that Alluka doesn’t have to give anything up!” Gon added.

“And how does Alluka feel about this?” Bisky asked and …

Yeah. That was actually a really good question. Gon really, really didn’t want to put Alluka back into a situation where she had no choice, but ironically, by deciding that, he was taking the choice away from her, wasn’t he? Maybe he hadn’t thought it all through as well as he’d thought.

“There’s no way in hell I’m letting my little sister -”

“Killua!” Gon interrupted him.

Killua’s head whipped around to Gon, face agitated, but Gon stared him down. He didn’t even have to say it anymore at this point. They’d had this conversation many, many times already. So Killua, however reluctantly, relented and turned his gaze towards Alluka. As did Gon and Bisky.

“We …” Alluka started. “We don’t want Gon-nii to give himself up for us. But … we don’t want to be dependent on him and onii-chan anymore either. I took the Hunter Exam because I want to become strong enough to forge my own paths, without needing to be protected all the time.” She stepped forward, took Killua’s hands, and put on those wide, pleading eyes that he could never say no to. “Let us take care of ourselves for a change. If we’re going to stay here, we want to earn it, just like Gon-nii does.”

Killua didn’t like that. Or maybe he did, it was hard to tell with how overwhelmed he looked. Really, he looked like he wanted to say no so, so badly. Like everything in him screamed not to let go of his sisters, like he hated that they were becoming truly independent, like he hated the very idea of everything that was happening. But it was Alluka’s request and she was making it earnestly with those large, pleading, blue eyes of hers and so of course, Killua relented.

“Is there any way we can make Pat swear an oath to stop when they say it hurts?” He asked Bisky, his voice small and fragile and scared and Gon wanted nothing more than to take his hands and squeeze them the way Killua had squeezed his during their talk.

“We can talk with them,” Bisky answered solemnly. “They’re surprisingly open to negotiations. And Gon did have a point when he said that they’ve never had subjects like the three of you before. I’m certain they’re willing to make many concessions if it means they get to study you.”

Killua nodded. A little miserably, but he nodded. As good a concession as they’d ever get and Alluka threw her arms around him, delighted.

“Thank you!” She mumbled into his shirt. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“Don’t celebrate too early,” Bisky interrupted them. “There is one condition I have for all of you, but especially Gon and Nanika.”

Gon - still on his knees - straightened up at that. He’d already just so managed to get out of the hole he’d dug himself into, so he was more than eager to not dig another one.

“Whatever else you see or feel or hear down in Pat’s lab, you are not to touch it! No more killing Pat’s experiments. Do you understand?”

Whatever else? No more killing? Gon’s blood ran cold when he understood what Bisky was saying.

“There are more of them in that lab?” He breathed.

Bisky let out a bitter laugh at that. It sounded more akin to a bark, really. “The lab? Gon, the lab is just the beginning. The entire forest is populated with the results of Pat's experiments.”

So that’s what it had been. The odd smells and noises that he hadn’t been able to identify. The reason they seemed like animals, but also not. They were all … experiments. A whole forest full of creatures like that chimera. The thought of that rattled Gon enough, he felt his control on his Ten slip for a moment, while Alluka let out an achingly pained whine. A whole forest of chimeras … and creatures that begged for death to finally release them from their pained existence … and Gon was to just ignore that altogether. Could he do that?

“Gon.”

Gon’s eyes snapped up to Killua’s. Wide, and blue and pleading and so, so beautiful. Like the sky. Like the sea. They soothed him. Settled him. Killua was asking him to do it. Didn’t look like he ever had a doubt that Gon could and just asked if he would instead. Who was Gon to say ‘no’ to that? So he took a deep breath, called on his Ten, and got his Aura back under control. 

“I understand. I won’t lay a finger on them,” he said.

~oOo~

“Deal.” Pat said.

Gon blinked. Killua blinked. Alluka blinked. Bisky blinked.

“Just like that?” Killua squawked.

“Would you rather I have you all kicked out?” Pat asked back.

Killua immediately shut his mouth and refrained from asking any further questions.

“Gon and Nanika are faaaascinating research subjects.” Pat explained. “The only non-human intelligent life I’ve ever gotten to study was the one or the other captured Chimera Ant, and that for only a few days. It’d be asinine to give up an opportunity like this because of a single dead experiment. Even if that one was one of the more impressive specimen I’ve created.”

Gon felt smug while Alluka breathed a sigh of relief. Killua and Bisky meanwhile, looked like they were regretting every decision they’ve ever made in life.

“Gon knew what he was doing all along,” Killua deadpanned.

“Yep,” Bisky said.

“We were freaking out over nothing.”

“Yep.”

“We could’ve totally gotten a better deal out of them.” 

“Yep.”

“This sucks.”

“Yep.”

Gon wisely refrained from rubbing his smugness in their faces. A grace Killua would never have given him, he knew. Pat meanwhile, decided to ignore them.

“I’ll create some custom microchips to chip you with,” they said. “~You’ll help me test them, won’t you Gon?~”

From the corner of his eyes, Gon saw Killua bare his teeth. He may have relented, but Gon supposed that didn’t mean he had to like the deal. 

“Of course.”Gon said. “I promised I’d let you do as you pleased. I intend to keep that promise.”

“~Very good, veeeery good! I’m ecstatic! over the moooon~”  

Somehow, a pleased Pat was the most creepy Pat Gon had seen so far. A cold shudder ran down his spine at the very sight of their disturbingly wide grin.

“I do have one condition, though,” Pat continued.

“What would that be?” Killua asked, crossing his arms.

“I want a Nen-binding contract.”

Gon cocked his head to the side. “Like making us set a condition?”

“No, that’s a just a Nen-contract,” 

“What’s the difference?” Killua asked.

“What’s a Nen-contract?” Alluka added.

“Pat, if you’d please,” Bisky said.

Pat got a sparkle in their eyes like an excited child and Gon could barely believe he was beginning to get used to that particular brand of whiplash. 

“Let’s begin with the Nen-contract,” they started. “One way to apply Nen is by sharpening, transforming, or strengthening your Aura through a condition. That’s the highly simplified explanation of how a Nen-ability works. Take Killua over there. You can transmute your Nen to take on the property of electricity. What’s the condition for it?”

“I need to shoot electricity into my body,” Killua answered. “I call it ‘recharging’ because once I run out, I can’t use my Hatsu anymore.”

Pat grinned wolfishly and Gon suddenly remembered that this was one of the questions Pat had asked when they’d first laid eyes on Killua’s Hatsu. It was only a slightly unnerving sight. Really, it looked more smug than anything, like Pat had already theorized as much and reveled in having their suspicions confirmed.

“And I give every bet Gon over there has a very different Ability with different conditions,” Pat turned to him.

“Ah … yeah. I gather Aura into my hand and then release it one in three different types of ways. But it needs time to gather. I’m getting faster at it, but it’s a slow process.”

“Like I thought,” Pat grinned again. “Sometimes, the condition for a Nen-ability is simple practice. Work. Time. Just like with every other skill. However, there is a way to ‘artificially’ make your Nen more powerful. That is, by setting limitations. I’m sure some of you can give me an example or two.

Gon ducked his head a little. The very memory of his own example still made him want to crawl into a hole. The memory of what had driven him to that point still made him want to drown himself.

“You remember Kurapika, Alluka?” Killua asked.

Alluka nodded.

“Your remember the chains on his hand?”

Alluka thought for a minute, then nodded again.

“Those chains are his Hatsu. One of them is so strong, it could even imprison dad.”

Alluka raised her eyebrows and Gon nearly burst out laughing. It was such a Killua expression and while the siblings often had those, that one just straight up looked comically wrong on Alluka’s much more innocent face.

“I know, it sounds ridiculous,” Killua continued. “Thing is, it CAN’T imprison dad. They’re only strong enough to do it when used against a member of the phantom troupe. The reason it’s so strong is because he puts his own life at risk. If he uses the wrong ability against anyone other than one of the spiders, he dies. That makes his chains infinitely more powerful.”

“I think I get it,” Alluka said thoughtfully. “The more limited the area of application, the more powerful it gets in those areas.”

“Bright kid,” Pat grinned. “That is what we call a Nen-contract. Give up one thing in exchange for another.”

“Is that what Bisky did when onii-chan told her about Nanika?” Alluka asked.

“Yep,” Bisky answered. “I made an oath not to talk about it without yours or Killua’s permission. If I do, I lose my Nen for my next hunt. Meaning I effectively have to give up on a jewel.”

A grave condition for a jewel-hunter. No wonder Killua gave her the full breakdown.
“Under the correct conditions, you can even force a Nen-contract on other people as well,” Pat continued.

“Going back to Kurapika, that wrong ability I told you about is used to kill,” Killua added. “He can pierce one of his chains into someone else’s heart, killing them immediately. But he can use that same ability to force a contract on someone. In one case, he used it to force someone not reveal anything about him. In another case, he used it to force someone to not use their Nen ever again. If they did not comply with these orders, the chain would pierce their heart.”

Killua was keeping it intentionally vague. As in, he just straight up didn’t mention his and Gon’s involvement in it. but Gon could tell by the slight frown on Alluka’s face that she already knew there was something about this entire affair he wasn’t telling her. In this case, at least, Gon could understand it. He himself wasn’t sure how Alluka would react to their little tussle with the Phantom Troop. If it was him, he would tell her sooner rather than later, just not here and now. He had a sinking feeling Killua would rather she never found out at all. Gon smelled potential for another sibling fight.

“I think I get it,” Alluka said.

“Good,” Killua nodded. “Then can we move to the Nen-binding contract? What is it and how does it work?”

“The thing about a Nen-contract is that it involves only one person’s Nen,” Pat explained. “Even if other people are involved, the source is always a single person and their abilities. But a Nen-binding contract is not limited to that. It can involve any number of people and their Nen. It can even involve non-sentient objects that have no Aura. I believe you’re familiar with Greed Island?”

Greed Island? This just got interesting. Gon had never really pondered how exactly it came to be. Ging had just been that mystical a figure in Gon’s mind, capable of performing miracles that could simply be explained with ‘Ging was the one doing it’. But now … of course there had to be some explanation behind it. Some method that made the miracles come to life.

“Like you don’t already know the answer,” Killua snarked.

“Well, Greed Island was created via such a Nen-binding contract. Ging and his team created the blueprint for the game virtually. Planned it, then coded it, then finally made it come to life, then poured their Nen into that product. To this day, it’s being kept alive through the contract they designed.”

“And you know all this … how?” Killua asked.

He was met with another wolfish grin from Pat. “Simple. I wrote the contract for them.”

Gon blinked. Killua blinked. Alluka looked from one to the other, confused. Bisky rolled her eyes.

“ YOU WHAT?!? ” Gon and Killua bellowed in unison.

“Well, I was the one who figured out how to use Nen-inscription. It’s the only writing known to us that allows us to make Nen-binding contracts.”

“Nen inscription?” Killua asked, beginning to sound a little desperate.

Gon could relate. His head was starting to swim.

“The engravings on the Greed Island rings.” Pat answered. “I’m sure you’ve seen them.”

Ah that. Yes, Gon had seen those. They’d been on the box from Ging and Master Wing’s promise string as well. So that’s what those symbols were all about.

“That inscription works like normal writing. Except that you can infuse Nen into it and whatever you’ve written becomes binding. In the case of the rings, it was that it would function as the inductor, taking a player’s Nen and funneling into the game system to make them capable of using the cards. Basically, the cards are powered by the players’ Nen without them even noticing.”

“So if you want to give an object a function, you put those inscriptions on it, infuse those with Nen, and the inscription uses that Nen to give the object that function,” Killua summarized. “Like writing ‘for deercat litter only’ on a box, except that once it’s written down, it becomes literally impossible to use it for anything else.” Alluka thought out loud.

“~Exactly!!~” Pat said. “The inscription allows us to pull as many Nen users into a function as we see fit. That’s what we call ‘Nen-binding contracts’. Greed Island is probably the most complex example of this in existence, but one common use is to write contracts and use the inscription to bind all participants to the contract through their Nen.”

“So you want us to write down the contract with all the terms we just discussed and make it Nen-binding so we can’t weasel our way out or forget about it or just disappear,” Killua concluded.

“Sound fair?” Pat asked.

Killua looked at Alluka.

“Sure,” she said.

Killua looked at Gon.

“Uuuh … yeah.”

Gon had tried and failed to keep up with it all. His head was steaming. He’d have to ask Killua to explain it to him again later on. But Alluka had agreed and Killua looked unbothered, so he supposed that meant the deal was fair. 

“Then let’s write it down.”

They moved to the dining room, mostly for space. It had a table large enough that everyone could sit around it and work on the contract together. Everything they had talked about with Bisky earlier went on there, including the clause that Pat was to stop any and all testing and experimenting if Alluka or Nanika said it hurt. Pat reserved the right to call all three of them in for further testing and data-analysis once a year.

“What if anybody breaks their end of the deal?” Killua asked.

“You won’t be able to,” Pat answered. “Nen-binding contracts are absolute.”

That … sounded ominous. And yet Killua looked oddly unperturbed by it. Quite the opposite, he looked a bit like when he was working his way through a particularly engaging level in a video game. An Gon, as ever so often, could see the exact moment a thought crossed his face.

“Killua …?”

Killua blinked, emerging out of whatever train of thought he had been riding on and leaned forward.

“Doesn’t this remind you of Alluka and Nanika?” He asked into the round.

“Does what remind you of us?” Alluka asked.

“This!” Killua answered. “The Nen-binding contract. If you think about it, Alluka’s and Nanika’s relationship functions as if they’d created one together. Alluka and Nanika are sharing a body, yet Nanika can’t come out unless they’re getting three wishes fulfilled, Gon or I call her out, or Alluka’s in immediate danger. Alluka can’t even switch targets once she’s settled on one until all three wishes are fulfilled, or four of them are rejected. Up until just recently, Nanika was controlling Alluka’s Aura nodes for her. And then there’s the Nanika’s wish-granting ability, which adds other people into the equation. It’s about as specific and concrete as what we’re putting down on paper!”

“~Interesting, iiiiinteresting~” Pat sing-sang. “So then the hypothesis would be that Alluka’s Hatsu is to create Nen-binding contracts without the Inscription.”

“That does sound like a valid possibility.” Bisky added. “But that’s a powerful ability. There are sure to be some major conditions.”

“We’d have to test it,” Pat said again. “Though I’m not sure how yet. I’ll have to think up a few more experiments. ~How fun, how fun, I can’t wait to get started~!”

It was right then that Gon had a thought.

“I think I know where to start,” he said, and all eyes turned to him. “Alluka, do you remember? You can hear the flowers sing!”

Alluka’s eyes went wide in excitement when she realized what Gon was talking about. “You’re right! In our meditation sessions, when I was at my calmest”

“~ What’s this? What’s this? ~” Pat sang. “Nobody told me that was a variable!”

“There was so much happening, we forgot,” Alluka said. 

“Do you think that’s something that could help us?” Gon asked.

“Only one way to find out,” Pat answered. “Let’s finish up the contract and get to work!”

It didn’t take much longer. Most of it was already written and once it was finalized, Pat used Shu on it in a way Gon had never seen before. It only took a few seconds for the symbols to appear on the paper, looking as if it had been created with that pattern on there from the very beginning. All it took was signing the contract for something to happen. It was slight, but Gon could feel a small tingling in his arm and seconds later, the symbols on the paper lit up a little. Judging by the way Alluka shook her arm and later Nanika gently bit into it, it must’ve felt similar for them, too. So that’s what creating a Nen-binding contract was like, huh? It was a surprisingly understated affair.

What wasn’t understated was the excited haste with which Pat shooed them out of the room and to the edges of the forest once they were all done. Gon had a good feeling about this one. He wasn’t certain to what degree, but they would definitely be making progress today.

Chapter Text

The hypothesis went as such; the one time Alluka had heard the flowers sing was when she had been at her most relaxed. In order to get back into that state, they would try to mimic the conditions as closely as they possibly could. Therefore, the decision had been made that Alluka would work only with Gon and Pat. It had been an almost unanimous agreement. The one exception was Killua. He had been so staunchly against leaving Alluka anywhere near Pat without his personal supervision, that not even Gon’s soft persuasions and Alluka’s attempts to kick him to the curb had managed to make him relent. So Bisky took matter into her own hand and knocked him out before he even had a chance to activate Godspeed. He was taken back to his room, while Pat took them to a small clearing full of flowers that was extraordinarily similar to the one they had made their work space back on Whale Island. It would help get them into the zone no doubt.

It would still be difficult though. It had been a hot minute since Alluka had sat down to meditate. That coupled with Pat’s presence made it take a while for her to get back into that calm place. Gon knew because it was taking him a while too. Pat, despite the fact that they were keeping their Aura nearly in Zetsu and only had Gyo activated in their eyes, continued to be an unsettling presence. Even Gon’s thoughts kept revolving around their current situation. The things Pat was capable of, what might’ve happened if Gon and Bisky hadn’t stopped Killua from offering himself up, what he might be doing to Gon once they started working together, round and round in circles this went. And Gon really was NOT the overthinking type. If his mind was already this busy, he could hardly imagine how much noisier Alluka’s head was. So they sat, and thought, and breathed, and breathed, and thought, and sat, and sat and thought and breathed.

Eventually, Gon started calming down. One thought after another, his head emptied itself and became gradually more quiet. Quiet enough to focus on the world around him instead. For a moment, he forgot he wasn’t on Whale Island. The air still tasted of sea-salt, the rushing of the ocean could still be heard in the distance, and the forest still smelled earthy and lush. He became part of it. Part of the flora and the fauna, the live and death, the endless battle and endless cycle. And after some amount of time that Gon couldn’t even begin to guess, he felt Alluka joining him in it. He opened his eyes to find her face once again still and passive, her breathing soft and even. She’d reached it. The place she had last heard the flowers sing.

“Alluka,” he whispered. “What do you hear?”

“I hear the trees,” Alluka answered. “They’re trying to harmonize with each other but it’s … a little clumsy.”

First the flowers, now the trees. Gon couldn’t even begin to fathom what that sounded like. He felt a little jealous, suddenly. He’d always found a source of pride in his unmatched connection to nature. Yet here was someone else, capable of experiencing it in a way he couldn’t. 

“~Faaaascinating~” Pat sang. “I’ve never heard of someone experiencing such a thing before, yet her Aura seems to function like normal. I’m going to have to attach my sensors to her!”

Gon’s brow twitched. He had entirely forgotten Pat was there. Being reminded of that completely ruined the moment.

“You heard them, Alluka,” Gon said.

Alluka let out a displeased little grumble, but opened her eyes anyway and dropped her meditation pose. It was all the encouragement Pat needed to get to work.  They pulled a laptop out of their case, as well as several small round objects connected to cables that Gon couldn’t even begin to understand the possible purpose of.

“All right, Alluka darling, I need you to undress for me,” they grinned.

Gon was glad that Killua wasn’t here, because if his knee jerk reaction to those words was to grab Pat by the head and slam him into the ground, he didn’t even want to imagine what Killua would have done.

“Wha - wha - wha -” Alluka stuttered, face red enough to give Killua at his most embarrassed a run for his money.

“ What the hell are you planning to do to Alluka? ” 

Gon barely recognized the sound of his own voice. The anger had to be broiling inside of him, even if he hadn’t become aware of it yet. Every bet his Aura was changing right now. 

“Not whatever you’re thinking!” Pat barked. “I just need to attach my sensors to her skin. How am I supposed to do that when she’s covered up from head to toe?”

Oh. That was acceptable, Gon supposed. He let go of Pat’s head and plopped back into a sitting position. Pat meanwhile, heaved themselves back up on their feet and shook their head as if Gon’s slam had been nothing more than an unpleasant thought crossing his mind. Creepy.

“Will you undress now?” Pat asked again, sounding just a tidbit annoyed. Gon enjoyed that sound.

“Uhm … Just the places you need to put the sensors?” Alluka asked, eyes darting nervously from Pat to Gon and back.

“I need to reach your legs, hips, belly, chest, back, and arms. How we go about it doesn’t matter to me. You can strip naked, or you can loosen your clothing just enough that I can reach. Whatever you prefer.”

Alluka still looked a little unsure, eyes still darting from Gon to Pat and back. But it didn’t look like she was looking for an answer from Gon. Instead, her face slowly but surely went redder and redder as time went by, before she finally looked down to hide her face behind her bangs and nodded. Another one of those little things that was almost uncannily similar to her brother. 

“I’ll undress,” Alluka said, voice high and squeaky, “but Gon-nii has to turn around. He can’t watch.”

Gon’s eyebrow twitched again. Sure, they were under a Nen-binding contract and all that, but he still trusted Pat about as far as he could throw them. Which was actually pretty far once he thought about it, but his point still stood. Maybe he’d be a little less irritated by it if he understood it. Alluka was a young girl and all, so Gon got why she’d be shy to undress in front of them. That is, in front of both of them. But she seemed to be fine with Pat and not with Gon, which confused the living daylights out of him for so many reasons. Still, Alluka had asked and Gon was more than aware that women could be weird sometimes. So he pushed his annoyance aside and turned around. 

There was the distinct sound of rustling clothes, followed by the one or occasional little squeak from Alluka. It never sounded frightened, though. Just surprised. Gon also couldn’t detect the scent of fear in the air. Everything had to be going okay then.

“Hold still child!” Pat chimed at one point. “The more you squirm, the longer this’ll take.”

“I’m sorry!The sensors are just so cold,” Alluka whined.

Ah well .. that explained the squeaks then. It was cute, really. Made Gon wonder how she would react to snow. Had Killua taken her somewhere cold during their year together? Had she seen snow before? He had never really asked the two of them about their travels. He should probably change that, now that Alluka was developing her very own personality and Killua was finally learning to open up a little.

“You can turn around now,” Alluka said.

Her clothing was still a little loose and her face was still a little … no actually, it was very read still. But she was entirely covered up again. Gon idly wondered what exactly she was being so shy about. Did it have to do with the fact that her body and her gender were not aligned? Had her Nen not transformed her body to a degree she felt comfortable with? Was she just as shy around Killua? Or was it a Gon specific thing? Had he made her uncomfortable at some point? So much so she didn’t want to expose herself in front of him ever again? Or maybe it was just an adolescence thing?

“Gon-nii,” Alluka whispered, her face turning constantly redder, “you’re staring …”

“Ah. Sorry,” Gon pulled himself out of his thoughts and got back into meditation position. “Ready to try again?”

Alluka nodded and crossed her legs again as well. Once more, they closed their eyes and concentrated on their breathing. It was easier this time. Pat had retreated behind their laptop and was entirely in Zetsu this time, so Gon couldn’t pick up their Nen anymore. Within minutes, he was in the calm place, listening to the leaves rustling in the wind. Another few minutes and he could tell Alluka had joined him there.

“Are the sensors warm now?” Gon asked.

It elicited a small giggle out of Alluka. “Yep. I don’t even feel them anymore.”

Good. She was relaxed. That’s where she needed to be.

“Do you hear anything yet?” Gon asked again.
“Yes,” Alluka answered. “This time it’s the grass. They’re squawking because they don’t like us sitting on it. 

It was Gon’s turn to chuckle. He could imagine it. How indignant they must sound to be pressed into the ground by so many butts. Though … the one time someone had sat on Gon’s face, he hadn’t exactly minded it. Probably because it had been Killua’s behind after he’d defeated him in yet another game of play-wrestling. It had been about who got to wash first after a week of not having enough water to wash with in the dessert, and Killua had been especially eager to win that one. Gon’s loss was fair, so he had nothing to complain about. Plus, with how sweaty they had been during their trip through the desert, Killua’s scent had been especially potent, and since Killua’s scent was one of Gon’s absolute favorites, he had zero complaints about getting that shoved in his face.

“Alluka,” Pat said, voice low and quiet and even, probably to not rip Alluka out of her state of calm, “Try asking the grass to do something.”

Alluka’s even face turned into a small, puzzled frown. 

“Uh … uhm … grow?” She tried.

Nothing happened. Which, honestly, Gon had kind of suspected the moment the first signs of turbulence appeared on Alluka’s face. If she needed to be in a place of perfect tranquility to hear the world around her, then even the smallest internal distractions would cut that connection.

“Breathe, Alluka,” Gon therefore directed her. “In through your nose, out through your mouth. Deep breaths.”

Alluka did as told and within the minute, the frown left her face again. Good. Now, what exactly had Pat been trying to do, and how he could translate that for Alluka. He could communicate with animals to an extent. Maybe something similar would work here?

“Alluka, you say you hear the grass, right?” Gon asked.

Alluka nodded.

“Try squawking with them. Not literally, more like … in your heart or your head. Through whatever channel you think you can reach them.”

This time, Alluka’s face stayed even and passive. And yet, something fundamental changed. Gon couldn’t quite pin down what it was, but when he heard Pat do a sharp inhale, he knew it had to do with Alluka’s Aura. Something big had to be happening.

“Whatever she’s doing, it’s working,” Pat whispered to him, low enough that only he could hear it. “Instruct her to ask for something.”

Ask for something … how would he go about doing that if he was communicating with an animal? It was such an intuitive thing. Really, it felt more like the animals just kind of knew what he wanted. Oh …

“Alluka, wouldn’t it be fun if the grass grew into a nest?”

That elicited yet another small giggle from Alluka, and then something amazing happened; the grass actually did grow. Not into a nest, but around Gon. It grew high, high, ever higher, until it was ticking his knees, then his sides, then his elbows. Gon’s eyes went wide, his smile disbelievingly large as it grew. Some blades curled up against him like a soft caress, or maybe like a kiss. Others grew towards him and then back, as if wooing for his attention. Some of them squiggled a little bit when Gon touched them. When they had reached the height of his chin, the growth stopped. It wasn’t quite a nest, but in a way, it felt like one. How fun!

“Alluka, open your eyes!” Gon said excitedly.

She did, and let out a surprised little gasp when she saw what she had created.

“Di - did I do that?”

“You sure did,” Gon beamed. 

“~Fascinating! Sooooooo fascinating~” Pat sang. “~I’ve never seen anything like it. No, no, I haven’t~!” A pause. “Well, every specialist's power is unique, so I guess that was to be expected.”

That did manage to quirk Gon’s lips into a smile. Even someone who created being against the very laws of nature could be funny once in a while, he supposed. 

“So is this my Hatsu then?” Alluka asked, gesturing at the tall grass surrounding Gon.

“~Absolutely~” Pat answered. “Though we’ll have to go over all of this to find out what exactly happened, if there are any conditions, and what they might be. For the moment, are you up for another attempt?”

Gon looked at Alluka, who had a wide smile on her face and nodded eagerly.

~oOo~

Killua woke with a start, immediately in fight or flight mode the moment he opened his eyes. It was a common thing to happen whenever he woke up after someone (Bisky) knocked him out, so Gon wasn’t surprised by it.

“Welcome back to the living,” Gon grinned.

Killua stared at him incredulously for a few seconds.

“Fuck you!” He spat. “You better have kept Alluka safe or so help me God …”

“She’s fine,” Gon smiled. “Better than fine, actually. She’s over the moon. We managed to activate her Hatsu.”

He tried to take Killua’s hands to guide him back down on the bed and yep, there it was again, that split second of conflict, this time accompanied with a twitch of the fingers. Gon almost let himself believe that Killua would take it this time, but then sat down of his own accord instead. Gon tried hard not to let the disappointment show. It had been the first chance he’d gotten at a touch attempt in days.

“How’s your head?” He asked instead. “I got you some ice in case you have a headache. Bisky offerent painkillers at first, but then we thought you’re probably immune to them, so …”

“My head’s fine,” Killua waved a hand dismissively.

There went attempt number 2. Killua got injured so rarely, too. It would be forever before another opportunity to play doctor would arise. Gon put the ice away with a tiny, unhappy scowl on his face.

“I can’t believe you kept me from witnessing my baby sister’s first application of Hatsu,” Killua scowled.

The smile froze on Gon’s face. “Yeah … we never would’ve gotten to that point if you had been there.”

Because Pat would’ve been dead. Nothing left of them but a pile of ash after being the only person in the world to have ever been hit with a hundred strokes of lightning in a row.

“If you were anyone else, I would’ve punched you for that comment alone,” Killua hissed.

Gon sent him a beaming smile in response. “But Killua likes me, so I’m safe.”

Killua’s eye twitched even as his face was turning red.

“That’s not where I was going with this, idiot!”

“But it’s true,” Gon continued to smile, wondering how long it would take for Killua to catch on to the fact that he was teasing. “You said so yourself. Killua loves spending time with me and he loves being by my side.”

“SHADDAP!” Killua hollered. He was giving a tomato a run for its money in terms of redness at this point! “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU! I POURED MY HEART OUT TO YOU AND YOU JUST USE IT AGAINST ME!!”

“But Killua asked me to push him,” Gon smiled as innocently as he could.

Killua lunged at him for that.

“SEE HOW YOU LIKE BEING PUSHED, BASTARD!” 

Gon was laughing so hard, he could barely answer, even as their wrestling made them tumble off the bed.

“KYAA! KILLUA’S MAD!” He shrieked.

“I’M NEVER CONFESSING ANYTHING TO YOU EVER AGAIN!”

“BUT KILLUA SAID IT NEEDS TO HAPPEN!”

“YEAH WELL I LIED!”

“NO YOU DIDN’T! BUT YOU ARE LYING NOW!”

“AM NOT!”

“ARE TOO!”

“AM NOT!”

“ARE TOO!”

“AM NOT!”

“ARE TOO!”

“I’M GONNA BITE OFF ANOTHER PART OF YOU IF YOU DON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!”

“JUST BECAUSE I’M SWEET AS CHOCOLATE DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN EAT ME!”

Killua sputtered at that, and Gon would have loved to use that moment to take control if he wasn’t laughing so hard.

“DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU’RE SAYING?!?” Killua continued to holler.

This time, Gon did actually take control and flip them over, grinning mischievously down at Killua.

“I’m saying that I’m delicious. See?”

He gathered as much Saliva in his mouth as he could before lolling out his tongue and letting it dangle just above Killua’s face.

“Ew, ew, ew , EW! GROSS!” Killua barked and pushed Gon’s face away.

It elicited another round of laughter out of him, allowing Killua to flip them over again. This time, it was Killua who dangled a string of spit in front of Gon’s face. Meant as payback probably, but Gon was prepared. He gave Killua his most wicked grin, before opening his mouth wide and sticking out his tongue. Really, he’d meant to swallow that string of spit and then give some stupid line like ‘Killua’s delicious too’ that would’ve definitely made him implode, but he didn’t even get that far. Killua’s face dropped for a second, before the blush returned to his face, more violently than before and the next thing Gon knew, he was hurled against the wall. He managed to catch himself though, and another round of laughter followed.

“~Killua’s embarrassed~” He sang.

“FUCK YES I AM!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?” Killua screeched.

“Killua eats so much chocolate, I wanted to know if he tastes like it.”

Just like the, round two of their little play-wrestling match began. Problem was, Gon was so weakened by his laughter, he could barely keep up, while Killua was filled to the brim with righteous indignation

“STOP LAUGHING YOU JERK AND FIGHT ME FOR REAL!”

Gon did not stop laughing. He did, however, kick Killua in the stomach. A valiant attempt that only managed to piss Killua off even more.

“YOU’RE DEAD, FREECS!”

“YOU WISH!”

It didn’t take much longer after that for Gon’s strength to entirely give out and get pinned to the ground, with Killua straddling him. He’d lost that match officially, but he was so out of breath from laughter that he could feel his head being completely flushed, with small little giggles still bubbling out of his chest, so was it really a loss? Plus, Killua too looked like he was fighting to keep the corners of his lips from twitching upwards. He was panting hard, just as hard as Gon, his eyes were sparkling like ocean in the sun, and there was still a small, leftover blush on his face. Yeah, with such a pretty sight to look up at, there was no way this could be counted as a loss.

“Gotcha,” Killua huffed.

“Yeah,” Gon grinned. “You win. What do you want as your prize?”

Killua looked at him a little strangely. His pupils dilated and his lips did an odd little twitch that was neither a smile, nor a frown. Had Gon seen an expression like that on Killua before? No, he didn’t think so. But he did remember Killua’s scent changing the way it did now every once in a while, though the last time was before they had returned to Whale Island. Something about it all was oddly exhilarating, especially when Killua squeezed his wrists. What was going through his mind? What was he thinking? Feeling? Gon couldn’t even begin to fathom it.

It lasted only a moment though, and then Killua was off him, perfectly back to normal. The grin on his face was light and easy. Genuine. Killua was happy. Playfighting did that to him, somehow. Made him forget all of his worries and anxieties for a while and leave him settled and relaxed. Not that Gon didn’t get it. He always felt like he was walking on clouds after a playfighting session. Or a contest or challenge. Any game he got to play with Killua, really.

“You’re making breakfast for the next week,” Killua decided. “Chocolate chip pancakes! With syrup!”

“But I don’t know how to make those!” Gon protested as he got on his feet.

“Then you better start learning.”

Gon stuck out his tongue at him.

“Fine, I’ll ask Aunt Mito to teach me! But first, we’re having dinner. Alluka is so excited to tell you all about her Hatsu!”” 

Gon began walking out the door. Killua, as always followed. It had been a long, turbulent day, but here was Gon, deciding what to do next, and there was Killua, following Gon wherever he went. One single session of playing and everything was back to normal. 

“Still can’t believe you didn’t let me witness it. That’s some grade-A betrayal right there.”

Gon laughed at that.

Chapter Text

Alluka’s laughter rang through the island as she pulled her brother through the trees towards the clearing they’d been working in yesterday. Killua himself let it happen with that unbearably soft look on his face that was reserved for his sisters and his sisters only. Gon followed the two of them leisurely, together with Bisky, Pat and Aunt Mito.

“We’re here!” Alluka beamed when they’d reached the center of the clearing.

It was still early morning.The sun was still rising and so the air still looked a little blue, only interrupted by the rays peeking through the trees. The mist had already lifted off the ground though, hugging their faces instead of their legs, but the flowers had yet to bloom. This was the main reason Alluka had insisted on getting up earlier than she usually would and dragging her very reluctant brother out of bed and into the woods.

“Sit down!” She commanded after she had placed a blanket on the ground. “Mito, Bisky, you too!”

All three of them complied, while Gon leaned against a tree. He knew exactly what was coming. After all, he’d been the one to make the suggestion to show them her Hatsu this way.

“Okay now close your eyes!”

Again, Killua complied with a soft smile, while Mito and Bisky shared an amused look before following suit. Alluka looked at Gon real quick, the smile on her face wide and excited, and Gon gave an encouraging nod. So Alluka took a deep breath and closed her eyes as well. It only took a few seconds for all the flowers in the clearing to bloom. Not only that, but several more of them grew, effectively turning the field into a field of flowers so dense, it turned into one huge mosaic of colors to Gon’s eyes. He let out a low, impressed whistle. Alluka must have really wanted to impress them.

“You can open your eyes now,” she said, trying her best to keep her voice under control even when she was so excited, she was practically vibrating out of her skin.

Everyone had a different reaction to the display in front of them, though it was clear they were all impressed. Aunt Mito let out a delighted gasp, her hands flying to her mouth. Bisky recoiled a little, a small “wow” escaping under her breath. Killua meanwhile, looked thoroughly astonished, gazing around the field with wide eyes and a slackened jaw. Gon had to suppress a little chuckle at the sigh.

“It’s beautiful,” Aunt Mito breathed. “Is this what a Nen-ability can do?”

“It’s what my Nen-ability can do!” Alluka declared proudly. “What do you think?”

“I have to admit, I’m impressed,” Bisky answered. “Training you is going to be an absolute treat.”

Killua got his face back under control, stood up and walked over to Alluka. The flabbergasted look on his face was replaced with a small, disbelievingly amazed smile, which turned into similarly amazed laughter when he grabbed his sister by the waist and picked her up to spin her around a few times. It drove a small delighted giggle out of her too.

“You’re incredible,” he breathed when he sat her back down again. He brushed a few strands of hair out of her face, before caressing her cheek gently, his smile once again turning unbearably soft. “I’m so proud of you, Angel.”

The smile that was on Alluka’s face at those words made her look like she was about to explode of sheer joy any second now. This time, Gon did not quite manage to keep down the chuckle. Not because anything was funny, just because two of his favorite people being this happy made him happy as well.

“How does it work? Your Hatsu, I mean,” Killua asked. “You don’t have to put yourself through anything painful for it, do you?”

That’s when Alluka’s smile froze on her lips, while Gon’s fell off entirely.

“We’re not sure yet,” Pat answered in Alluka’s stead. “We spent most of yesterday trying to figure out what exactly the conditions are, but didn’t get very far.”

“How come?” Killua asked again. “You meet the condition, the Hatsu activates. Isn’t that all there’s to it?”

“That is all there’s to it, but sometimes conditions are nebulous. One of the conditions for my Hatsu for example is the target’s mental fortitude. The stronger it is, the less effective my control of their Aura. That’s not the easiest condition to figure out, wouldn’t you agree?”

“I guess …” Killua mumbled.

“In Alluka’s case, the problem is that as of right now, her Ability seems to be working mostly subconsciously,” Pat continued explaining. “That makes it near impossible for her to tell what the conditions are, or even what exactly her Hatsu does, though we are continuing to work under the assumption that she’s creating Nen-binding contracts for the moment. After all, the subconscious mind can grasp things in a fraction of a second, whereas consciously figuring out the details of a contract could take several minutes, if not hours. We will try to get her to the point where she can create Nen-binding contracts consciously, but there is a real chance that one of the conditions for her Hatsu is that it happens entirely on a subconscious level. In which case …”

“In which case…?” Killua prompted.

“You need to understand; The human mind is an incredibly powerful tool, but only on a subconscious level. It can create entire universes within our dreams, grasp mathematical concepts and equations in seconds that otherwise take us generations of accumulated knowledge to understand, and even alter the body it lives in, from the placebo-effect being capable of curing even the most aggressive cancer, to hypnosis entirely rewriting your identity. It’s that tool which creates our desires.

“Nen is a power that responds to desire. The stronger the desire, the more powerful the Nen. Therefore, an ability that acts on the subconscious of a person has the potential to be unimaginably powerful. For all we know, Alluka could be capable of enslaving every living being in this world.”

Everyone fell silent. Gon would say silent enough to hear a pin drop, but they were still out in nature where the trees were rustling, so not that silent. The peaceful noises of nature did create an oddly eerie juxtaposition to the heavy atmosphere of the group though. Made it only more suffocating. Because … what could anyone say to something like that? It is one of those things that should make the world stand still. 

“But I … I don’t want to enslave anyone ,” Alluka finally whispered, sounding thoroughly horrified.

“You probably won’t,” Pat said. “The potential is there, but the chances of you ever being able to do that is near nill. There’s another thing that’s much more worrisome.”

“There’s more?” Killua groaned.

“Onii-chan!” Alluka chided softly.

“Yes, sister dearest,” Killua drawled. 

He didn’t look annoyed for very long. Alluka would have usually punched or hit him for that. Instead, she just pressed herself into his side and dug her nails into his arm. She was disturbed still, and that worried Killua.

“What is this worrisome thing then?” He asked.

“That power is a double edged sword,” Pat answered.” One’s desire’s cannot be controlled and quite often, not consciously perceived either. The wrong desire at the wrong moment, and the Nen-binding contract could backfire spectacularly.”

“But … if the contract is all about fulfilling her desires, how could it possibly hurt her?” Gon asked.

Pat looked right into his eyes, and Gon was pretty sure that that was the very first time they had done that. It was extremely unsettling somehow.

“Haven’t you ever had an intrusive thought?” They asked.

A stone sank in his stomach. If there was one thing Gon was intimately familiar with, it was intrusive thoughts. Mostly of a violent nature. He had long since lost track of the many times he was hit with the sudden desire to hurt or break or destroy . Sometimes things, sometimes other people, sometimes himself. It was rare that he acted on them, but whenever he did …

“Right …” he croaked.

“Or otherwise,” Pat continued, “perhaps there is a desire she wants desperately enough to pay a steep price.”

Killua inhaled sharply next to Alluka. Gon didn’t even notice it. A steep price. Too steep. Kite. Where would Gon have drawn the line for him? At his own life? At someone else’s? Would he have drawn any at all? Desires … they were truly a dangerous thing. 

“We’ll continue to work with her in carefully controlled settings. But Alluka, make sure to never activate your Hatsu in the wild unless absolutely necessary. Understood?” Pat finished.

“Yes Pat,” Alluka answered dutifully.

She sounded a little unsure, though. No wait, maybe distracted would be the better word. She must’ve picked up on his unease, perceptive as she is. And glancing to the side … Killua’s too. He looked about as shaken as Gon felt, though he was - as usual - doing one hell of a job hiding it.

“Gon?” Aunt Mito’s was suddenly next to him, her soft, slightly scared voice ripping him out of his observations. “I don’t really understand everything they’re talking about.”

Understandable. She wasn’t a Nen-user after all, really only knew about its existence thanks to Gon’s return home. There was no way any of this could make much sense to her. It’s not like Gon understood most of what Pat had explained either, but he did understand what Aunt Mito wanted to know.

“That’s okay,” he therefore answered. “Everyone here is gonna make sure Alluka will be fine.”

The smile on her face didn’t quite reach her eyes. She’s never really been all that good at hiding her emotions. Gon supposed that was another thing he must have inherited from her.

“Bisky’s the best of the best,” Gon continued. “If there’s anyone who can train someone with that much power, it’s her. Alluka won’t even have the energy for intrusive thoughts once Bisky’s through with her.”

That did elicit a small giggle out of Aunt Mito, which in turn made Gon smile. It was an easy thing to say because Gon believed every word of it. Just remembering that and saying it out loud already made him feel lighter.

“The fact that you’re one hundred percent correct makes me want to grab Alluka and flee to the other side of the world,” Killua scowled.

“Then I’ll make a Nen-binding contract with you and force you to take me back to Bisky!” Alluka pouted. “I want to be trained by her because she’s the best. And because I know you wouldn’t consider anyone else good enough for me.”

“Can we stop with the ugly truths now?” Killua groaned.

“Then I suppose I should live up to your faith and get to work,” Bisky piped in. I’ll take Alluka with me and train her. She’s been getting off easy for too long anyway.”

“Ah, wait, there are more things I wanted to try out!” Pat cried.

“Be patient,” Bisky snapped. “Alluka is here first and foremost to train. You’ll get to work with her again soon enough. Besides, doesn’t it become easier for you to work with her the more she learns to control her Nen?”

“Ah.” Pat said, looking like they had just realized the sky was blue for the very first time. Seconds later, they resembled a kicked puppy more. “... but I put extra time aside to experiment with her …”

“I’ll work with you!” Gon said.

“WHAT?” Killua squawked.

Pat looked like they were over the moon. Killua looked like Gon had just grown a second head.

“What the hell are you thinking?” Killua hissed. “It’s bad enough that they get to work on you as much as they want, now you’re asking for extra jail time?”

“It’s not jail time,” Gon whispered back. “There are just a few things I need to know about my Nen. If there’s anyone who can help, it’s Pat.”

Killua’s lips did that weird little wobbly thing it sometimes did when he wasn’t too sure how to feel about something. Not that Gon would let that influence him at all. There were too many questions running circles in his head, too much new information given, too many times his world had been flipped upside down lately. That included so many things to do with Killua. Even after their talk, Gon still didn’t know why exactly Killua had left. Why he thought it was something he had to do. 

“Can I at least come along this time?” Killua asked. “I don’t like the idea of you alone with that freak.”

“Only if you promise not to intervene.”

Killua clicked his tongue in defiance, looking so sour, he may as well just have bitten into a lemon. Gon patiently waited for him to sort himself out, which he did a few seconds after when he gave a reluctant nod.

“There are some things I want to know,” Gon turned to Pat. “I was hoping you could help me.”

“Nen things?” Pat asked.

“Nen things.” Gon answered.

The grin on Pat’s face turned wolfish once again, and as per usual, Gon’s head was reeling at the sheer whiplash the change of mood gave him.

“~It would be my pleasure~,” they sang. 

“Not before we’ve had breakfast,” Aunt Mito chimed in, and just like that, all further planning and discussing was put on ice. “Gon, I believe you wanted to learn how to make chocolate chip pancakes.”

Gon could practically see the cat ears popping out of Killua’s skull at that. He also didn’t miss the teasing little wink Aunt Mito sent his way, and snickered at the little blush that elicited out of him.

“Yeah,” Gon beamed. “They’re Killua’s favorite. I want to be able to make them for him whenever he wants them.”

The blush on Killua’s face deepend and Gon tried his best to keep his smile as innocent as possible.

“I bet pancakes from Gon will be eeeextra delicious,” Alluka smiled, latching on to Aunt Mito’s arm.

Killua’s blush got even deeper and Gon’s facial muscles were fighting for their life at this point. They strolled back into the house, and Aunt Mito discreetly bumped her hip into his, eyes full of mirth. Yep, teasing Killua would always and forever be the family’s favorite pastime.

“You’re making some for me, too, I hope,” Bisky joined them.

“~I want some too!~” Pat piped in.

Aunt Mito just laughed. “We’ll make enough for everyone.”

~oOo~

Making chocolate chip pancakes really wasn’t that different from making normal pancakes, with the exception that there was just a bit of extra sugar in the batches together with the chocolate. Aunt Mito had him make two separate batches. One with pre-made chocolate chips, and one with chocolate she had him cut herself out of a bar. Just so that he’d learn the technique (turned out chocolate meant for cooking was surprisingly solid and you had to cut it correctly if you didn’t want to break the knife). Lucky for him, it was a much more intuitive technique than cutting vegetables, so he took to it rather fast. Most of his pancakes still ended up looking pathetically misshapen though.

Not that Killua cared. Or Pat. Both of them devoured his pancakes with enough gusto to fill his chest with pride. He slowly but surely began to understand why people wanted to be chefs. There was something addicting about watching people enjoy the food he made. Bisky on the other hand, looked like the shape of his pancakes somehow personally offended her. Well, she did live with a Gourmet Hunter. Her standards were probably higher than anything Gon could meet. Not that Aunt Mito was having any of that.

“I should probably take the kids back under my wing.” The smile on her face was a bit too serene. “No offense Bisky, you did your best, but I’m afraid those kids need a role model mature enough to eat what they've asked for.”

This time, the silence truly was deafening enough to hear a pin drop. For one second. Two. Three. Four.

“Pfft.”

Killua was the first to lose it. A snort turned into barely suppressed giggles turned into full on belly laughter. Gon was the second one to crack, following in Killua’s footsteps until they were both leaning on each other for support to keep themselves upright. Alluka was the last one to start laughing, burying her face in her hands in an attempt to at least not let it show too much. Auto Mito didn’t even chide them for their behavior. She just calmly continued eating her pancakes. Bisky joined her after a hot minute, trying to look just as serene as Mito, though the corners of her lips kept twitching into a smile.

It took several minutes for the laughter to calm down. Gon was wheezing harder than if Killua had punched him in the stomach. His sides hurt like hell, but still the occasional giggle would bubble through. Jesus, he was crying even. It was right around then when Layla entered the room, looking like a model from a sports magazine this time. 

“You’re all rather lively this early in the day,” she said. “Did I miss something?”

Just like that, the laughter started all over again and Gon could only ask the heavens for mercy.

“Let’s just say that for the first time in many, many years, I’ve met someone who can match me blow for blow,” Bisky answered.

Gon, Killua and Alluka were too busy howling to elaborate.

~oOo~

They decided to work in yet another room in Pat’s lab. For precaution, they said, though Gon had no idea what a room for precaution could look like. Bisky meanwhile, grabbed Alluka and Layla to put them to work. The sound of their laughter caught Gon’s attention and he stopped in his tracks to stare at them Alluka was hopping on Layla’s back and demanding a piggyback ride. Gon smiled at it. So this would be Alluka’s first close friend. One she had made all by herself, entirely removed from him or her brother. There was a bit of an age difference, but then, there was one between him and Leorio too and they still got along like brothers. He genuinely hoped they would stay friends forever.

He hasn’t made a single friend …

The smile fell off Gon’s lips. Layla wasn’t that much older than them. And she was fun and dependable and knowledgeable and lots of other things that should make Gon want to get to know her better. But he didn’t. His interest in her was practically nonexistent. The same went for Pat or Ishak or any of the other students here. What was it like to want to get to know someone? To hit it off with someone immediately? To want to be friends? Or even just to spend time together and end up as friends before you even knew what hit you? Gon couldn’t remember. Alluka looked so happy. Would Gon never feel what she was feeling again? Would there never be another Gon and Leorio? Gon and Kurapika? Gon and Killua? Would he ever smile again with someone in that specific way that Alluka and Layla were smiling at each other? Would ever even want it again? He used to crave a friend, didn’t he? He used to want to get to meet new people and make new connections and learn about the many fascinating ways in which people could be people? What did that feel like? Gon couldn’t remember. 

“Worried about Alluka?” Killua’s voice ripped him out of his thoughts.

“Not really,” Gon answered. “I just thought that she looks happy.”

Killua followed his line of sight, watching Alluka and Layla being silly together with him. A small, affectionate smile made its way to his face. It had a sad tinge to it, though. A lonely one.

“Yeah. She does,” Killua said. 

“Come on,” Gon said, breaking Killua out of his thoughts before they could begin to spiral. “Pat’s not gonna wait forever.”

“You’re the one who stopped first,” Killua mumbled.

Gon did not signify that with an answer and jumped to catch up to Pat. 

They were led to a large, empty room, completely black save for the yellow tiled pattern all around them. It was an odd-looking room for sure, one that Gon could not make sense of. Killua on the other hand, looked like he had a few ideas running through his mind.

“Maybe I’ve just watched played too many sci-fi games, but this looks like a simulation room,” he thought out loud.

“That’s because it is,” Pat answered. “Also created with the help of several Nen-binding contracts, by the way. It has a permanent protective layer of Nen in its walls as well, , one of the strongest you can find in the known world, so no matter what our lovely Gon wants to test, it will stay within the confines of this room.”

That was nifty and all, but …

“What’s a simulation room?” Gon asked.

Killua burst out laughing at that.

“~Best I just show you~,” Pat sang. “What kind of environment would be best suited for what you want to do?” 

“Hmmm …” 

Gon had to think about that one. This would be … different from how it had gone so far. Up until now, something had set off the anger inside him and all of his efforts had been spent on getting it under control. The thing that had set him off had always been similar; Killua’s twisted view of himself. So perhaps the best place would be one that reminded him of Killua’s pain. The Zoldyck Manor? No not really, he’d never actually seen it and his own personal memories of the servants quarters weren’t all that bad. His room, where he had spent countless hours agonizing over his notebook? No, without it in his hands, he’d just be reminded of how comfortable Killua felt in that place. Then maybe the room where Killua’s ugly habit had reared its head just yesterday. Or maybe …

“In the outskirts of Yorknew, there’s a row of abandoned skyscrapers,” Gon said. “One of the smaller rooms there. Not a lobby but maybe … a destroyed hotel room?”

Killua’s expression changed in slow motion. A few slow blinks first, as he worked through what Gon had just said. Then, his eyes went wide as recognition settled into his brain and he understood what he had just asked for. There were a million questions in his eyes, and Gon couldn’t even begin to guess at what they had to be. Whatever Killua had expected, or perhaps theorized, Gon must have thrown it all into disarray just now.

“Easy enough,” Pat grinned.

They walked to the door, pressed a few buttons into the machine there, moved things around on the touchscreen a bit, and then the room changed . It became a little smaller, the walls turning into grey drywall, the floor becoming weathered wood. bits and pieces of concrete and wood strewn about everywhere. The sudden drop in temperature, the mustiness of the air and the light draft blowing through the cracks, even the scent of moss and mold, everything was so lifelike, Gon could barely believe they were still in the same place.

“~Welcome to my Holoroom~” Pat sang. “I named it after a room from my favorite science fiction show. ~Do you like it~?”

Gon nodded, his mind so thoroughly blown that he completely and utterly forgot how to say words. Was this really just a simulation? Everything was so lifelike.

This is totally wicked!

It was when those phantom words echoed through Gon’s skull that he realized Killua hadn’t said anything at all. He turned to look for him and found him staring similarly agog as Gon had been just seconds earlier. Except, instead of amazement, there was a subtle but distinct layer of horror in Killua’s expression. One that only got stronger when his eyes found Gon’s, and Gon could almost hear the question being screamed at him.

Why? 

Gon did something he very, very rarely did; he looked away. He couldn’t answer that question. He wouldn’t answer that question.

“Will this suffice? Can we start?” Pat asked excitedly.

Gon nodded again. “It’ll probably take some time. I need to work my way into it.”

“I’m a scientist,” Pat sneered. “We’re patient people. Have to be, otherwise we wouldn’t get anywhere.

Ah, Gon supposed he was right about that. Even just the little bit of field work he’d done with Kite had been slow and thorough work, for comparatively little result. Why would it be any different for any other field of research? So Gon shut his mouth and sat down, back into his usual meditation pose. It was easy to imagine, in this place that smelt and felt so similar. Easy to remember the scent of fear that had so wafted more strongly out of Killua than Gon had ever experienced before. The way punched the wall out of sheer frustration, how his entire body had shaken, how he’d been so deeply trapped within his own head, he’d barely been responsive. Fighting some kind inner battle that Gon would probably never be able to understand, resulting in words that had chilled him to his very core.

I’ll act as a decoy. Use that chance to escape.

There it was. The now familiar magma heating up under his skin, beginning to move ever so slowly. Those words had made him angry back then too, though he hadn’t exactly understood why. All he’d known was that Killua was beginning to lose himself and if Gon didn’t act fast, Killua would do something drastic. Gon understood a little better now, about what the mindset that drove Killua to such a decision.

I’ll stop his shodachi even if it kills me.

even if it kills me.

kills me.

Because that’s all Killua thought his life was worth. Just something to be used for the benefit of others. For the benefit of Gon. If his death could allow Gon to live a day longer, then he’d gladly offer it up on a silver platter. And then he never understood why Gon got so angry at him for it. He probably still didn’t understand. The magma under his skin flowed faster at that thought, ran hotter, stronger. Killua was so much more valuable than that. He should always put himself first, his life, his well being, his happiness. That all of that mattered more than anything else in the world and it was never something he should give up for someone else, least of all for Gon. Why couldn’t he understand that? Gon wanted him to understand that so, so desperately.

He put a stop to his runaway thoughts here. His anger was at the verge of taking over and if he let himself continue, he would lose control of it. Would have to exert himself to get the excess heat out of his system. Yeah, he was exactly where he needed to be right. The only question now was; where to direct that anger? Well, Pat had been pissing him off a little. Tearing innocent animals apart and putting them back together in ways that defied the very laws of nature. They were a seasoned Nen-user. Surely they could withstand an attack or two from Gon. So he opened his eyes and locked his gaze firmly on Pat. Immediately, his body responded. His senses got sharper, so sharp that he was suddenly capable of hearing and smelling the subtle fakeness of the scents and noises in the Holoroom. He could hear the flutter of Killua’s heartbeat, accelerating as the barely suppressed panic ran through his veins. Gon didn’t even have to look at him to know that he was wearing his perfect mask of neutrality. But everything within him honed in on Pat and only Pat. His current target. His newest prey .

“Gon …”

Killua only mouthed his name. Didn’t even say it. But Gon noticed anyway and the heat under his skin - on his skin - was immediately and violently extinguished. He wasn’t here to actually hurt Pat after al. That would be the single most counterproductive thing he could possibly do. So he took a deep breath and recollected himself.

“Well?” He asked.

“~How iiiiinteresting~,” Pat sang. “What a contrast between Auras. I’ve never seen anything like it. ~No, no, I haven’t. I can’t want to study it!~ Do it again, but let me put my sensors on you.”

“Sure …” Gon said.

He’d have to ask about those sensors sometime and what they did exactly, but for the moment, there were more pressing questions. 

“So this feeling is my Aura changing?” He asked while taking off his jacket. If this was anything like with Alluka, Pat would have to be able to reach most of his body.

“My current hypothesis is that your Aura is changing because of what you’re feeling,” Pat answered, putting the first sensors on Gon’s face while he worked to remove his boots.

“Is it dangerous at all?” Killua asked.

“Not for Gon,” Pat said matter-of-factly. “I can’t guarantee anyone else’s life though. His blood-lust was of an intensity I’ve never experienced before. Do you feel in control at all?”

“With what I did here? Yes,” Gon answered dutifully. “But there are other times when my emotions take over and it feels like … like …”

Like what, exactly? Like something inside him was taking over? Like another, previously unknown part was rearing its ugly head? No, none of that was correct. Gon still felt very much like himself, even in those moments. The parts of him that were battling with one another sometimes were both sides of himself he was intimately familiar with. Even in those moments, when he seemed so foreign to himself, so out of control, Gon was still very much Gon. The exact same person sitting here, trying to find the words to describe all of this.

“I’m guessing that what you’re describing is a reaction to heightened outside stimuli?” Pat asked as they put sensors on Gon’s chest. Alluka wasn’t kidding, they really were cold.

“Uuuhhh…”

What? 

“Do you only lose control when something extreme happens?” Killua rephrased.

Gon idly wondered why Pat couldn’t have just asked it like that.

“Yeah,” he said. 

“Then you should be safe using the controlled version,” Pat concluded. “Though we should really run a few more tests on that to be sure. I’m finished with the sensors now. Ready to recreate that state for me?”

Gon nodded and Pat answered with a wolfish grin.

Chapter Text

I’m alright. It’s not as bad as you think. I can keep going. It’s okay if it’s just one ball, I can take it!

It didn’t take long for Gon to lose count of how many times Pat had him repeat the process. All he knew was that it kept getting harder. Harder to get in, harder to get out, harder to recover. Chasing down that train of thought, channeling that anger over and over again, it did things to him he didn’t understand.

Why are you thanking me? I left Kite behind to die!

It started an odd sense of breathlessness. Like he’d been holding his breath whenever he was focusing. He knew the answer to that. Knew that the best way to regain was to open up your body, give your lungs space to expand, but he couldn’t. Everything in him screamed to curl up, to make himself as small as possible, and it took all of his willpower just to remain upright. On the ground yes, barely supporting himself with his arms, but upright.

I’ll count to three and then you run. One. Two. Three.

At some point, he started shaking. Or maybe shivering. It was hard to tell, really. Was he feeling weak or feeling cold? Both? Neither? He couldn’t even tell what he was feeling anymore. Keeping himself upright was getting harder. Catching his breath was taking forever. 

So long as you’re okay with a leech as your best friend. All I ever do is follow you around.

Cold sweat broke out on his body. At least now Gon knew for certain he was cold. So, so cold. It permeated through his skin, his muscles, all the way down to his bones until he forgot what it was like to feel warm. His arms gave out on him. The shivering was out of control Not curling up into a ball was his the only act of resistance he could still keep up.

Just look at her. She’s a real Hunter now. I guess … she doesn’t need me anymore.

He didn’t notice the tears were falling until the first drop landed on his hand. Why ... why was he crying? He didn’t feel sad. He didn’t feel much of anything, really. Just lifeless and cold and so, so weak. He didn’t understand. Where were the tears coming from? Why wouldn’t they stop?

“~Iiiiinteresting~” Pat sang, though they didn’t seem to be talking about anything in particular. “It’s not quite a transformation, but not quite not one either. How to classify this …? Gon, do it one more time!”

Again? Could he? He didn’t know. He didn’t think so. He didn’t even know why he didn’t think so. Didn’t know what failing would look like. He just felt so tired. So weak . But he had to try. He’d made a promise. So he pushed himself upright once more. Got into meditation position. Grabbed yet another memory.

I’ll do it. I’ll be your guinea-pig. And I’m used to torture. No matter what you throw at me, I can take it. I’ll let you experiment on me, so leave them alone!

No anger. Only a choked sob with every attempt to summon it. Again and again until he couldn’t breathe at all, until he was suffocating, gasping desperately for air and failing to find it. The tears kept coming and his lungs kept constricting and he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. He knew how to stop this. He could stop this. He just had to push himself upright. Control his breathing. Focus his thoughts on something insignificant. He could this. He constantly did this. So why couldn’t he even stop the choking? What was happening to him? He didn’t understand.

“Nothing’s happening,” Pat said, eyes fixed on their screen. “Try a little harder, I need you to -”

“Enough!” Killua stepped in.

He sounded so far away. Ah, but his shoes were right in front of him. Gon didn’t understand that. It looked like Killua was right there. So why did he sound so far away?

“But I need more samples,” Pat argued. “This isn’t enough to create a proper analysis sheet.”

“Can’t you see that he’s done? He can’t recreate your stupid conditions anymore. He needs a break.”

“He seems in perfectly good health to me. No injuries to be detected anywhere.”

“Injuries aren’t the only factor. If you keep pushing him, you’ll break him mentally. Then what good will he be to you?!”

“Break him mentally?”

“His will, you psycho! What if he ends up never being able to get into that state again?”

There was a moment of silence. Gon was beginning to come back to himself. The choking was finally stopping at least, but his chest still felt so constricted and the tears just wouldn’t stop. Everything seemed so far away. Killua should come closer, but the rest should stay that way. The noises and the colors and the smells, they could all just go. And then Gon could maybe sleep. He was so tired. And cold. Ah right, he was still shaking, wasn’t he?

“That would be a problem,,” Pat finally said. “How long do you suspect he needs?”

“I don’t know,” Killua answered. “A day at the very least. Just … give him some time, we’ll let you know. Okay?”

“Very well. Let’s pack up for today then.”

“Go on ahead. We’ll need some time.”

“Can I at least remove my sensors?”

Killua sighed. It sounded frustrated. That wasn’t good. Gon should say something. Soothe him somehow. If only he could get up. If only he could stop shaking. Ah, but maybe he should stop the tears first. 

“Go ahead,” Killua grit through his teeth.

Pat approached him. That wasn’t a good thing. Gon should move back. Or at least stay on his guard. Pat was dangerous, after all. But he couldn’t muster up the energy for that. He was just so tired. He couldn’t bring himself to move when Pat began picking the sensors of Gon’s skin. Didn’t even have it in him to flinch. If Kon’s mother came and attacked him now, he’d just let it happen.

“You’re right, he really isn’t in any condition to continue,” Pat said when they were done. 

“Toldya,” Killua scowled.

“His skin is worryingly hot. Make sure he cools down before he goes into shock. I’ll make sure to monitor his vitals as well next time. Turn off the Holoroom before you leave.”

“Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”

The sound of footsteps. Pat was leaving. It was a relief. One less threat to him. One less thing for Gon’s overworked senses to pick up on. Now if only the fake smells and sounds would go away, too.

“Gon?”

Right. Killua was here. Killua was with him. Walking towards him, from the sound of it. He sounded worried. Gon couldn’t have that. He had to pull himself together. Wake up. Show Killua he was okay. Put on a smile. Reassure him. He had to get his shaking under control. Get up. Breathe normally. He was fine. He’d be fine. He knew how to do this. Calm down. Breathe. 

“Hey. Gon. Talk to me.”

Gon knew that tone. That very specific brand of helplessness that carried in Killua’s voice whenever he wanted to help but didn’t know what to do. Killua needed reassurance. Needed to know Gon was doing okay. He could do that. He always did. He could get himself under control and be there for Killua. He just … needed a moment. Just a bit longer. Just a little more time and Gon could be there. Breathe. 

“Gon …” Killua began reaching out.

No! Not yet. He wasn’t there yet. Just a little more. Just a moment more. He could stop the shaking and the sweating and the tears if Killua just gave him a moment. Please! Just a minute. But Killua’s hand kept coming closer. Just a few seconds. But it was already above his shoulder. Just a little more time a little more time a little more time a little more -

Gon slapped Killua’s hand away.

He realized his mistake the moment it happened. Whatever it was he had been feeling - exhaustion, fatigue, - it was immediately replaced with dread . Gon’s breath stopped short, his eyes widened, terrified at the implications of his own actions as they locked with Killua’s. Killua, whose eyes were huge and who looked shocked and upset and confused but also somehow vindicated, as if all of his fears and worries had just been confirmed.

“No …” Gon breathed.

Killua’s expression changed almost in slow motion. The shock fell from his face, replaced with heartbreaking resignation. The light disappeared from his eyes, the blue of his irises turning lifeless and dull and dark as the deepest depths of the ocean. Gon knew where this was going. Knew exactly in what way Killua was spiraling. He had to put a stop to it. Now !

“Killua I’m sorry!” Gon begged. “I didn’t mean it! Killua look at me, please!”

“It’s fine,” Killua mumbled. “I get it. It’s got nothing to do with me, right?”

The blood in Gon’s body froze. 

Those had been his words. Words to draw a metaphorical line in the sand. Words to create distance. Words to shut Killua out. That’s what he’d done again. Shut him out. The last thing Gon ever wanted. He had to fix this! How could he fix this? Think!

“Ki - Killua -” he stuttered.

But Killua took a step back. Created distance of his own. He wouldn’t listen. He didn’t want to listen. Already decided what the truth was without giving Gon a chance to explain. Gon couldn’t blame him this time. He’d meant those words last time he’d said them. Of course Killua believed he meant it this time, too.

“I’m sorry,” Killua said. “I’ll just … go.”

Go? No, Killua couldn’t go. Not before Gon somehow fixed this. Stopped Killua’s mind from spiraling, made him start thinking clearly again. He had to. Killua needed him to. What could he do? What could he say? What could Killua be thinking? If only Gon knew what was going on in his head. If only Killua would … tell him …

Gon grabbed Killua’s wrist just as he was walking past him. Just before he was out of reach. He didn’t turn around. Didn’t have to know what Killua was doing, what face he was making, what feelings he was feeling. his body still felt so, so weak, but his mind had expanded once again. Became aware of everything around him, every detail of how the Holoroom was so disturbingly fake, yet his world zoned in on Killua. Who had stopped the moment Gon grabbed his hand, but hadn’t turned around yet either. Probably couldn’t bring himself to.

“We promised,” Gon said, voice low but steady. “On the train to Tobons, I promised I wouldn’t make you feel like I don’t want you ever again. I’m keeping my promise to you. So keep your promise to me.” He could feel Killua bristling ever so slightly. Preparing for the words he knew Gon would say next. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

There was a long , long stretch of silence after that. Painfully long. But Gon could be patient. When Killua was involved, Gon could muster up all the patience in the world. The changes in Killua were slow and subtle. So subtle, Gon couldn’t even tell how he picked them up. But at some point, the tension began rolling off Killua. In an oddly bad way at first. It felt a lot like resignation. Like he was admitting defeat maybe. Or perhaps just accepting his fate. Then slowly, resignation turned into something that felt much more bitter. Like he was asking himself a million questions he knew could never be answered. Or perhaps like he was bemoaning the unfairness of it all. Whatever ‘it all’ might be. It was when that bitterness turned into a smile that Gon finally let go of Killua’s wrist. Something about that action felt safe. Like Killua was beginning to compose himself. Like his attitude was returning, even if it was much more intense and raw than usual. It reassured Gon that Killua would stay … so long as Gon wouldn’t look at him. Gave him security in the belief that he had privacy in his actions, even if that belief was a lie. Then finally, after what felt like forever, after what might have actually been forever, Killua moved. Walked to stand behind Gon, sat down and leaned against his back. He felt heavy. He shouldn’t be. Gon was so much stronger than that. Supporting Killua had never felt heavy to him.

“Right now, I’m just thinking that I’m probably the biggest idiot in the world.” Killua answered.

It really wasn’t an answer at all. But at least his voice had a light note to it. That very distinct one that he only used when he wanted to sound light, but at least it was something .

“Yeah …” Gon said. “I think the same, sometimes.”

About Killua, once in a while. But much more often about himself.

Killua moved. Curved his spine to align with Gon’s and looked upwards, at the decaying ceiling. Gon idly wondered what he saw there.

“I’m sorry,” Killua whispered.

For a million stupid things, Gon was sure.

“Yeah. I’m sorry, too.”

For just as many stupid things, probably. 

Apologies could be a weird thing, sometimes. They should be easy. Ging had taught him how to do them properly. Understand your mistakes. Apologize for them specifically. Promise to be better. And then, most importantly, do your absolute damndest to follow up on that promise. So why did most apologies between him and Killua feel so different? Like they were too much and not enough at the same time? Like they couldn’t even grasp the things they were apologizing for. Like specifying them would break more than it would fix. What would happen if Gon opened his mouth now and gave form to all of the thoughts and feelings that had accumulated in his head and heart since then? Would it help Killua somehow? No, it would only hurt him more. Killua didn’t want to talk about it. Couldn’t talk about it. Not yet. Maybe … maybe Aunt Mito was wrong. Maybe something had been whole in Killua once. Something Gon had taken and then smashed into a million teeny tiny pieces with just a few thoughtless words spoken in anger. No amount of apologies and no amount of doing better would ever be able to fix that. It was no wonder Killua had reacted the way he did. But then, it wasn’t like there was anything else he could do but to keep apologizing.

He felt Killua move behind him. Felt him get off his back and heard him get on his feet. He walked into Gon’s line of sight and crouched down with his back to Gon.

“You’re exhausted, aren’t you?” Killua said. “Get on. I’ll carry you to our room.” 

Ah. Right. He was tired. He’d entirely forgotten. Now that Killua was stable again, everything came crashing back down. The fatigue. The cold. The weakness. Gon felt like he could collapse right then and there. It took all of his strength to lean forward and wrap his arms around Killua’s neck. Good thing Killua was strong and had experience lugging Gon around. He heaved the both of them upwards and, and his grip on Gon’s legs stayed secure even when all of Gon’s strength left him and he slumped bonelessly over Killua’s back. Had they ever done this when both of them were conscious? Gon didn’t think so. It was nice though. They should do it more often. Gon’s nose was buried in Killua’s neck and his scent was especially potent there. He’d never been able to find any comparison for Killua’s scent. It was just light, somehow. Airy. And one hundred percent distinctly Killua . The only concrete note being that hint of Ozone that followed him around everywhere these days. But really, to Gon, it felt more and more that Ozone smelled like Killua, not the other way around. Gon would have to remember this little spot on Killua’s neck.

Killua walked slowly and softly. Gon appreciated that. Every sound that wasn’t Killua’s almost noiseless steps was too loud of him right. Every scent that wasn’t Killua’s subtle fragrance was too potent. But the soft sway of Killua’s gate lulled him away from all these things. Away from reality. His head felt so heavy. His eyelids even more so. So he closed them and let himself be surrounded by all things Killua . Like a natural barrier between Gon and the real world. It was nice. Gon wanted to thank Killua for it all, but his mind was too sluggish to find neither the words, nor his voice. He wanted to nuzzle his nose further into Killua’s neck, but his body wouldn’t obey him. He wanted to just fall asleep, right here on Killua’s back, and never wake up again. Stay asleep right here, forever. That sounded nice.

Forever lasted a few minutes at best. Killua gently unloaded him on what Gon could only presume was his bed. It was soft and had sheets and it smelled like him, so it was probably his bed. He should probably open his eyes to check though. And then properly crawl under the covers. He couldn’t find the strength within himself to do any of that. Killua removed his boots for him - right, he was still wearing those - and pulled the blanket over him. It was oddly sweet. Gon always knew Killua could be almost painfully caring. He saw it every day when he was taking care of Alluka. He just never thought he’d be on the receiving end of that someday.

“Hey, you awake?” Killua asked.

He was. And he should really tell Killua such. But not even that seemed like something he was capable of. He felt like he was buried under a mountain. Nothing on his body obeyed him. Not even his eyelids. 

“How do you always get yourself into these states?” Killua sighed.

There was no way he was talking to Gon. He had to think he was asleep. Gon really should tell him otherwise. Pull himself together. At least open his eyes. But his body refused to obey. Killua ran a hand through Gon’s hair and it only served to make him sink deeper.

“You know, I promised myself I’d protect you properly this time,” Killua continued. “That I’d stop running away. Be a better friend. But here I am, making the same mistakes again. I’m pathetic.”

No. He really wasn’t. Gon was the pathetic one. Gon was the one who never learned. But even those small, fleeting thoughts made way for the ever expanding abyss when Killua ran his hand through Gon’s hair again. He was too far away to think at this point. The only thing left that he could actually do was be aware of the fact that he existed, and that Killua was here next to him.

“I’m sorry,” Killua said again, and it was the single most heart wrenchingly pained apology Gon had ever heard. “I’m so sorry. I’ll tell you that to your face some day, I promise. You’ll put up with my cowardice until then, won’t you?”

Gon didn’t answer. Didn’t care to. He just floated here, wherever ‘here’ was, and let the words float next to him. No more words followed and it wasn’t until he woke at sunrise that Gon realized he’d fallen asleep at all.

Chapter Text

Killua was awake when Gon opened his eyes, sitting at his bed like the last time he was passed out. Seeing that only the first rays of light were peeking across the horizon, Killua must not have slept at all. Gon frowned at the thought. He knew that Killua could easily go several days without sleeping. He used to think that was cool. Not anymore though.

“Hey,” Killua said.

“Hey,” Gon answered. 

“You were out for a while. You okay?”

“Mmhmm …”

“Hmm … that wasn’t an answer Gon would usually give, was it? How would he usually answer? He couldn’t really think of anything.

“Gon?” Killua asked again.

“M’okay,” Gon slurred.

Killua didn’t look convinced. Maybe he had reason not to be. Something felt … off. Nothing that Gon could place. When he took a quick note of his body, nothing felt damaged in any way. He didn’t feel particularly tired or exhausted either. Not like he was yesterday, or the first few hours after his fight with Bisky. But still … he felt sluggish. Like his mind was working normally but he himself was trying to catch up to it while fighting his way through chin-deep mud. He also couldn’t find the will within himself to move even a single muscle. So yeah, Gon was okay, but something still wasn’t entirely right. 

“How many fingers am I holding up?” Killua continued.

“Three,” Gon answered.

“Where are we right now?”

“Bisky’s place.”

“What’s two plus two?” 

“twenty-two”

"..."

"..."

“Right. Maths. Fine, what did we do yesterday?”

“Tests.”

Killua fell silent after that. Did that mean he was done? That would be nice. That way, Gon could curl back into his blanket. He wasn’t really sleepy at all, but he still wanted to close his eyes and doze the day away. Killua was a hindrance to that goal right now.

“You don’t have a fever, so that’s good. You were running pretty hot yesterday,” Killua said when he put his hands beneath Gon’s jaw. Next, he opened one of Gon’s eyes wide, and snapped his fingers right in front of it. Not appreciated. “Your reaction time is a little slower than usual, but nothing out of the ordinary.” Gon’s hand was text. Killua took it and held his fingers to his inner wrist. “Pulse might also be a little low, but I don’t think it’s anywhere near a dangerous range.”

Gon’s gaze was fixated on his hand in Killua’s, and he was almost violently overcome with a sudden surge of want . Wanting Killua’s hands in his, wanting his nose buried in that delicious spot on his neck he’d discovered yesterday, wanting his arms wrapped around him, wanting him close in every way possible. He wanted so intensely, it made him delirious enough to reach out before the action even registered. 

Killua, however, leaned back. Out of Gon’s reach. For just a small moment, that tiny movement felt utterly and absolutely devastating. Then Gon saw the look on Killua’s face - a little untethered, a little uncertain - and remembered that he hadn’t been doing well yesterday either.

“Killua,” Gon said, “you okay?”

Something flickered in Killua’s expression. Something Gon felt like he should be able to make out usually, even with how fast it disappeared, but his mind just couldn’t keep up. Then Killua’s eyes went sad and soft, but … something was a little off. Gon knew that look. He just couldn’t classify it right now. He didn’t feel the need to either when Killua grabbed his hand again and lowered it.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said.

Was he? Gon didn’t quite believe it. Ah, that was the reason he didn’t usually ask Killua that question, was it? Because he never answered that one truthfully. Oh well, nothing Gon could do about that right now. He wrapped his fingers around Killua’s instead and pulled his hand to his chest. Killua may not want to come closer, but Gon could at least have Killua’s hand. Or even his arm. He’d make do with that for now.

“Gon…” Killua groaned. 

Gon opened his eyes, slightly annoyed. He was peacefully curled up around Killua’s arm and he wanted it to stay that way. The fact that Killua sounded unhappy with that arrangement was a problem he was unwilling to solve. The sight Killua made softened him right up though. There was that adorable blush back on his face, and the expression he made sometimes when he didn’t know how to deal with whatever he was feeling at the moment. Gon didn’t have it in him to try and figure out what Killua had to be feeling right now. No, he was too busy marveling at how pretty Killua looked with his hair shining in the early morning light. 

“Come on, let go,” Killua tried again, gently yanking on his arm in Gon’s grasp.

Gon answered with a noise of discontent, and wrapped himself tighter around Killua’s arm.

“I’ll be right back, okay? I’m just gonna go get Bisky.”

“Bisky?” Gon asked.

“To help. You remember Cookie, right? Bisky’s Hatsu? She should be able to get you back on your feet.”

Hmmm … that made sense, Gon supposed. Maybe the thing that was off with him was really just that he was tired. So he released Killua’s arm - however reluctantly - and curled up in his blankets instead. Bisky was next to him a few seconds later. No wait, that couldn’t be right. He hadn’t heard Killua leave or Bisky enter. And Killua had godspeed sure, but there was no way Bisky would let him carry her. Something was weird here.

“You’re right, this isn’t like him,” Bisky said thoughtfully.

“Right? He’s been really good at noticing new presences since your training, even when in deep sleep. But he’s barely responding,” Killua added.

“M’awake,” Gon mumbled.

“You’re about as close to being awake as I am to being a Manipulator,” Killua snarked.

“Is that a lot?” Alluka asked.

Oh, so she was here as well? Maybe Killua was right about Gon not really being awake.

“That’s on the opposite end of the Nen Affinity chart,” Killua answered. “You remember that lesson?”
“Yep.” Alluka chirped.

“Good girl.”

“Alright, let’s get to work,” Bisky said. “Gon, are you capable of sitting up?”

Capable? Yes, easily. Willing? Not so much. But this was to help Gon get better, right? The faster he got back on his feet, the sooner he could get back to work. He needed a short moment to gather whatever willpower he had before sitting up. 

“Do you have any pain when moving at all?” Bisky asked.

Gon shook his head.

“What about fatigue? Does your body feel heavy? Does it take more strength than usual to move your limbs?”

Gon tried it out. Lifted one arm. Let it fall. Lifted the other. Let it fall as well. His earlier assessment of his body had been right on point. It felt as light and nimble as ever, so he shook his head again.

“And sleepy? Do you feel like you could fall right back asleep?”

That one … was a bit trickier. Gon would be lying if he said he felt entirely awake, but he didn’t exactly feel like he needed to drift back to sleep either.

“It’s more like … I’d rather just doze. I don’t really feel like doing anything at all, not even sleeping.”

That answer made Bisky raise her eyebrows. Not in confusion or surprise though. It was something else … recognition, maybe? Whatever. Gon didn’t have it in himself to try and figure that out.

“You can lie back down now,” she said.

Gon obeyed that one immediately and let himself plop back into his pillow. 

“Can you tell me what you did with Pat yesterday?” Bisky continued asking.

“Tests,” Gon answered. Hadn’t Killua asked him that same question earlier?

“I’m gonna need you to be a bit more specific, Gon. I understand that using your head is probably difficult for you right now, but try your best anyway.”

Use his head. For what exactly? To remember? He didn’t have any memory issues though? But where should he start? No wait, what did Bisky even want to know exactly? Oh okay, this was what ‘using his head’ meant. Uhm … what about the tests could be relevant for Bisky right now?

“I … uhm …” Yeah okay, Bisky was right. This was a lot more difficult than it usually was. “Melody. I got angry. And … and Killua was innocent. So I asked her. She said I can use it and taught me how. But my Aura changed, so I stopped. That’s why I asked Pat for help.”

There was a moment of silence after that in which Gon almost drifted off again, but Bisky turned to Killua and Alluka before he was gone entirely and her voice brought him back to reality.

“Can either of you translate that for me?” She asked them.

Alluka shook her head, but Killua answered.

“Maybe? I think it’s about that time a few months ago. Gon lost his temper with me and things were pretty tense for a few days. Leorio told him to talk to a mutual friend of ours called Melody. I think. I’m not sure, I wasn’t around for that conversation. Remember I told you that there was one time his Aura changed and it felt like that time when … like in East Gorteau? I went to check on him and he told me he was trying out a method Melody taught him for properly dealing with his anger. Whatever that method was, it must’ve been what made his Aura change.Seems like he went to Pat yesterday because he wanted to know if that side-effect was dangerous at all.”

Yeah. That. All of that. Leave it to Killua to understand it all. He was always so smart.

“And what method would that be?” Bisky turned back to Gon.

“Using it,” Gon said.

“Using it? Like … channeling it?”

Gon nodded.

“So let me get this straight,” Bisky thought out loud. “You get angry, channel that anger into something productive, and as a result, your Aura changes?”

Gon nodded again.

“There’s no way it’s that simple,” Killua said.

“Pretty sure there’s more under the hood, but I can see that being the gist of it. So you were angry yesterday, Gon?”

Gon shook his head.

“Made myself angry,” he answered.

“How?”

Gon opened his mouth to answer before promptly shutting it again. He shouldn’t say it. He wasn’t entirely certain why right now, couldn’t recall the reasons, but everything in him screamed at him to keep it a secret for a while longer. So he just averted his eyes instead.

“Too personal. Got it.” Bisky said. “If I know Pat at all, it didn’t just end there. Did you have to hold on to that anger? Or did you get some time to calm down and then repeated the process?”

“Repeat.” Gon answered.

“How many times?”

How many? Hmm … that was hard. There was the Nobunaga thing that made him angry and then there was the dodgeball match and then … then feeling guilty because of Kite and then … then … ah, the kidnapping and … after that … what was after that … Gon couldn’t remember … it all kind of blended into one …

“Eight times,” Killua answered in Gon’s stead. “Or at least, that’s how often his Aura changed after he meditated for a bit.”

“Eight?” Bisky yelped. “Did you say eight?”

“Yeah …”

“I expected maybe two or three times, but eight? No wonder he’s in this state …”

“So it’s just fatigue then?” Killua pressed. “Can you fix it?”

“Hate to break it to you, but Cookie won’t be able to help,” Bisky answered. “He’ll have to recover the natural way.”

“Is he sick?” Alluka asked.

“No, nothing like that. He’s just emotionally a little drained. He’ll recover with time.”

Killua snorted at that. “You don’t actually expect us to believe that there’s all there’s to it.”

Bisky shot him a withering glare that immediately made him shrink at least three sizes.

“Do you remember the last time you were angry?” She asked. “ Really angry? Do you remember how long it takes to work through that? How emotional and vulnerable you get afterwards? How tired you feel after having gone through all those emotions?”

It took a single glance at their faces for Gon to know that they did remember. Vividly, probably. The Zoldyck siblings were emotional creatures, after all.

“Now imagine deliberately making yourself go through that seven times in a row. Anger, deflation, vulnerability, exhaustion. Anger, deflation, vulnerability, exhaustion. The entire day. That’ll mess with your head in ways I don’t even want to imagine”

Killu gulped heavily and looked to the ground, while Alluka went to sit down next to Gon.

“It’s that bad?” she asked.

Gon managed a small smile and shook his head. He really didn’t feel bad at all. Just off. So really, they all shouldn’t worry too much.

“Obviously,” Bisky answered. “Just look at how glazed over his eyes are.”

“Gon’s not always the most talkative, but he is always attentive,” Killua added. “If he’s struggling to follow the conversation and not asking questions, then yeah, it must be pretty bad.”

Gon frowned. Why did everything keep saying that? He didn’t feel bad!

“I’m pretty sure it’s not something he can’t recover from,” Bisky said with an air of finality. “Let him rest for today, and he’ll probably be bouncing around like a rubber ball again tomorrow.”

Was that how it was? Gon felt like that should be something he wasn’t on board with. The sun had appeared and it looked to be yet another lovely day. He really should be wanting to go out and play if he had to rest at all. But he didn’t want to. The idea of just staying in his bed for the foreseeable future sounded more and more inviting the longer this conversation dragged on.

“Now then, if you’ll excuse me, I have students to train. Keep an eye on him and call me if it gets worse.”

With those words, Bisky stood up and walked out the room.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Killua called, running after her. 

That left Gon and Alluka alone in the room, and Gon hadn’t even realized just how much all of those presences and smells and voices had been until they were all gone and the room was quiet again. He wanted let himself go slack against his pillows and let his mind empty itself. But there was something that had scratched his brain a bit earlier. Maybe Alluka could help.

“How’s Killua?” Gon therefore asked.

“Onii-chan? He’s perfectly fine. You’re the one we’re all worried about.”