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“You need to have a funeral.”
Ajax stared up at Hu Tao quizzically from his spot on his couch cuddling with his amazing lovely dragon fiance, “O…kay? Zhongli is already threatening the Tsaritsa for a funeral for me,” he said, shrugging nonchalantly.
The dragon fiance in question made an affirmative noise and nestled closer to Ajax, holding the man close by the waist, “Of course, only the best funeral for my beloved.”
Zhongli then accentuated the ‘beloved’ part by giving his lover a peck on the cheek, Ajax purred satisfactorily, Hu Tao made a sound of disgust.
“Stop bragging about your love life in front of me! It’s really offensive to single people you know!” Hu Tao sniffed annoyingly.
Ajax squawked, offendedly putting a hand on his chest in disbelief, this hand, of course, was the hand with the massive ring that screamed ‘I’m getting hitched to the ex geo archon’ on it, “How is that bragging- ”
“Anyways,” Hu Tao stomped on, ignoring Ajax “You need to have a funeral in Liyue .”
Ajax blinked, “Why? I already have a funeral at home”
Hu Tao had the audacity to roll her eyes, “we have funeral at home” she mumbled.
“Ah, Childe needs one doesn’t he?” Zhongli said, nodding.
Ajax felt like he was a chapter behind, “But I already have one???”
“Master Diplomat Childe! Not The Harbringer Tartaglia!!!”
“Hu Tao I don’t mean to scare you but we are the same person.”
Hu Tao face-palmed while Zhongli looked suspiciously stone-faced with just the quirk of those lips.
Great. He was multiple chapters behind.
“The people of Liyue don’t know that!”
“I feel like they really should have figured it out by this point- I was even arrested.”
“It’s because the people-“ merchants -“of Liyue adore you! They are still adamant you did nothing wrong!”
Ajax nodded, if only because of the rumours he’s heard circling around- or well the lack of rumours of Childe = Tartaglia. He doesn’t see why the Qixing wouldn’t just throw him under the bus already! What's he gonna do- show up and say they’re wrong? He’s supposed to be dead!
AR chimed in sounding far too amused for Ajax’s comfort, “You being dead, well-loved and related to the Adepti are all reasons they don’t Ajax.”
This is just like when AR told him he accidentally gave Venti a heart attack by saying he’s leaving all over again. Except worse.
“It’s a PR disaster for the Qixing, Ajax! So no- nobody knows you're having a funeral in Snezhnaya! We have to put both your identities to rest! Everyone will be far less suspicious once they see the body ‘buried’,” Hu Tao said making air quotations about buried which had too many implications for Ajax to unpack, “Besides it’d be best if it was taken care of by the funeral parlour known for their funerals who everyone knows your husband works for!”
“Why do I have a vague feeling this is just to swindle more money out of me?” Ajax glared at Hu Tao suspiciously.
“Eh, If you got it, give it.”
“I’m pretty sure that saying is not about money”
“Everything is about money- open your eyes sheeple!”
“It is a good idea,” Zhongli said, gently running a hand through Ajax’s hair in a way that made him shiver, “People tend to accept death after they ‘ put it to rest ’ so to say.”
Just then Ajax remembered he’s in the company of the two people who’d probably fake death the most in Teyvat.
“Besides,” Hu Tao’s face softened, “It might be a good idea for you to have your own funeral, for yourself.”
‘ Instead of for OGTartaglia’ rang unsaid
He never put any thought into his death in his last life. He was young and healthy and survived the streets. The closest he’d come to that before was bar fights he won. He never thought about his death- or what he’d do for it. Not that anyone would even show up. Certainly not Peter ! Man fuck Peter! All my homies hate Peter! ‘It might be nice to get some closure…’
“You died too…you should have a funeral,” AR’s voice chimed gently.
Ajax hummed, “I’d like a funeral,” he replied softly.
Hu Tao grinned deviously, “GREAT! Now let’s set up your rights!”
-
“Can I be the corpse?” Ajax tried
The unanimous no was a shock to no one but the corpse in question.
The corpse in question croaked.
-
“Oh Luminnnne,” Ajax smiled
Lumine instantly recognized that smile. It’s the same plastic smiles that dumb redhead always had before giving her the most annoying of side quests.
“LUMINE PUT THE SWORD AWAY- LUMINE- LUMINNNNEEE-“
Ajax ran around like a headless chicken trying not to get stirfried by a far-too-tired-for-this-bs Lumine.
Paimon ate cookies.
-
“Oh Xiaoooooo,” Ajax singsonged
Xiao recognized that sound and mischief in Ajax’s voice.
Xiao summoned a spear.
“WAIT- WAIT- XIAO- XIAO- XIAOOOOO”
Ajax ran like a headless chicken on steroids.
-
Ajax, considerably more winded, finally got all the favours he wanted for his amazing 10/10 funeral.
Hu Tao held his will and rights he specifically requested in her hands while she and Zhongli talked about work. Ajax didn’t exactly catch everything he was saying but he’s sure it was something along the lines of “i am hu tao and i am so sus and good at faking death i love money mr krabs” “who is mr krabs stop this tomfoolery and help me sexily make the funniest funeral for my sexy cool and hysterically funny husband” “woah you dont need too add sexy in every sentence tmi” “do you still have that scary dead body you used to fake my cool sexy hot husbands death?” “yeah its in my house with all the other dead bodies man i really love dead bodies and faking death it is a great buisness revenue and I also love terrorizing people with it.”
Ajax felt a hand ruffling through his hair and he looked up to see his fiance with a fond smile on his face, “What mischief are you dreaming up now?”
“Why do you act like the only thing ever on my is mischief!”
Zhongli, very specifically, did not respond.
Ajax squawked, “Hey why are you looking away? Hey! HEYYYYY!”
“Venti,” Zhongli changed the subject like the traitorous traitor he was, “You and your knights will be fine making sure my beloved doesn’t kill himself from stupidity while we’re gone?”
“Yes! Stop threatening me already!”
“Yeah stop threatening him! He’s been a great host!”
“There will be a ton of monsters to fight to keep him entertained.”
Predictably, Ajax perked up at the word fight like a dog perking up at the word walk. Zhongli could basically see the tail wagging. So much so that Zhongli glanced down to make sure he hadn’t suddenly grown a tail.
Zhongli’s eyes lingered far longer than they should. Okay you’ve made sure he didn’t spontaneously grow a tail. You can stop anytime now. THAT’S ENOUGH STARING-
10/10 Ass. Morax approved.
Everyone was disgusted. Except Ajax who was blissfully unaware.
“+10 L points from Zhongli,” AR’s tired voice rang out.
‘ Huh??? What was that for!!! ’
In his room AR facepalmed.
‘ Why does everyone look so tired with me!!!’ Ajax thought to himself.
Zhongli looked very satisfied.
Hu Tao looked at Ajax with pity, “I’ll get you a shirt that says ‘My eyes are up here’”
“???? Thank… you?”
“Well, time to go make your funeral!” Hu Tao said, skipping off Mora in hand.
“Man, this has been the funnest thing to plan! Definitely number one on my list of events I’ve planned!”
“What about our wedding?”
“What about it?”
-
“We are gathered here today to celebrate the loss of Master Childe.”
“Don’t you mean mourn?” Paimon’s shrill voice asked.
“I’m reading what he wrote,” Hu Tao deadpanned before going back to her specifically requested over-the-top voice, “He wished for his will to be read out loud by his husband at the funeral first and foremost-”
Immediately the crowd- which was large because every merchant and grandma wanted to be there, before even mentioning the entire army he had in Liyue who opted to join and since it was very noticeably fake they needed as many witnesses as possible- broke out in murmors.
“Mr Zhongli???” “Oh poor Mr Zhongli!!! I heard he hid himself away in mourning since his beloved's death!” “Did they really have to kill an adeptus’s spouse!!!”
‘Did I ever tell Zhongli that the entirety of Liyue Harbour was aware he was an Adepti?’ Hu Tao thought ‘Eh, it doesn’t matter it’s not like they realized which one he is’
Zhongli to his credit looked like a mourning spouse. It took a lot of training for him to look that and not ‘I need to go back to my husband as fast as possible’ he mostly started looking like he was actually mourning when Hu Tao started talking.
Ajax also specifically asked for no one but Hu Tao to look at it until that moment. Hu Tao assured them she looked over it and helped him revise it. She did take her job seriously.
Zhongli opened his mouth. Then snapped it shut and had to resist the urge to face palm but it almost showed on his face. Almost. Good thing Hu Tao could read her characters like a book.
Hu Tao grinned. Their first mistake was assuming she wouldn’t relish in the chaos herself. He just needs to be confirmed dead open casket and all other things were more fun options!
Resisting the urge to sigh Zhongli treaded on, “He wanted me to read this. Out Loud.” Zhongli’s shoulders were shaking and thankfully everyone took it as him trying not to cry. Really sold the illusion. Hu Tao gave him a thumbs up.
“If you are reading this I am dead, which I saw coming btw I am impossible to shock and not reckless in the slightest- you can stop looking at my letter like that Zhongli- ” Zhongli had to physically stop and collect himself before he started mumbling arguments.
People of course assumed this stutter was from grief seeing his name ‘said’ by Master Childe another time.
“ If you all don’t do this my spirit will literally haunt you.”
“He also specifically requested his friend and fellow musician to play what he called ‘Rock n Roll emphasis on the Rock’ just like the time Zhongli-“ Hu Tao explained with a grin even as she was cut off.
“Woah there she is,” interrupted Zhongli, not wanting his embarrassment to be known.
Xinyan entered on the left.
Lumine looked dead inside. Deader the longer it went on. She raised her hand, “Can I leave?”
Lumine and Paimon were handed a cookie that was totally, definitely, not homemade by the corpse.
“ ‘Anyone who attempts to leave will be bribed by not homemade cookies’ They’re not homemade because he is dead otherwise he’d make himself he found it imperative for me to say this” Hu Tao read out, grabbing a cookie for herself.
Those cookies were excellent bribes.
“Hello everyone! The deceased asked me to rock ‘n roll it up! I for one support such decisions-“
Immediately everyone in the vicinity took psychic damage, which was the intended outcome.
“The show must go on even after passing! This ones for my ex-duet partner-“
“Since when did they become friends???” Zhongli whisper-shouted to Hu Tao during the very loud and very firey show.
“You really need to stop offhandedly mentioning people to your husband if you don't want him to befriend them,” Hu Tao grinned back.
It’s always the musicians.
The pyro energy warmed the air. Similar to how the air was when Master Childe died. From fire. No one commented on it but the smell of burnt ozone made the open casket funeral 10x worse. They could see the burnt crisp under the white sheet that barely covered the body- on purpose from Hu Tao of course!
Maybe the Pyro energy was hell.
The rock and roll rocked everyones lives. All the Zhonglis and Fatuus in the crowd cried from how beautiful it was. The Liyuians cried for a different reason. Lumine was more stonefaced than the geo archon when he was born of stone.
“That was so beautiful Xinyan,” Hu Tao said clapping as if she didn’t make the character.
“Childe wrote here for you ‘ That was such a bop! Make sure you say this out loud This rock and roll is totally my jam! Everyone should enjoy it. I give you full permission to guilt trip everyone into going to your shows. On my grave. Which is real.’ ” Zhongli said squinting at the paper.
Somewhere an Adeptus had the urge to throw his spear.
“‘ I may have been the life of the party but now I am the death of the party’ Why is he like this,” Zhongli muttered that last part.
“ ‘Zhongli you already own all my stuff so that’s all for you already. Also, I wrote you a letter but it’s in a time capsule so you’re not allowed to read it for another 100 years’ again I ask why- ”
“ Hu Tao I give you 10 million Mora-’ ”
“Hey, why does she get millions of Mora!-”
“ ‘-and a tin of cookies. Thanks for the help setting up this party-’ It’s not a party Childe-” Zhongli had to stop before his nonexistent blood pressure rose.
“ And Xiao -“ Zhongli started and like the dutiful Yaksha he was, the Adepti appeared as his name was called. This had nothing to do with the fact that Ajax had asked him to go as a favour. The cookies were the only saving grace.
The crowd burst out in whispers, “An Adeptus??? ” “Holy shit how many Adepti did that guy know” “How the hell did he manage to die with so many Adepti around???”
The crowd soon hushed eachother down. After all, if the man was married to one adeptus why couldn’t he know any others?
‘ This cookie tastes like bribery’ The adeptus thought.
“ To you, I gift you this song. It is copyrighted no one else can use it unless I miraculously come back to life-“
Xiao, being a calm and collected 2000-year-old Adeptus did not swear. He did come close tho.
“ It is called ‘Dynamite’ by ‘BTS’ from the lost land of ‘kpop’ it's about the stars and it is a ‘real bop’ it’s totally ‘your jam’”
Xiao looked like he aged an extra 2000 years during that sentence. He felt like he did too. Not only had that little idiot done that he also made his lord say it for him.
“I’m going to kill him,” Xiao declared and left in a puff of green anemo energy.
Later when Zhongli asked he refused to expand, but his beautiful Ajax’s shit-eating grin was enough context for him to make an educated guess.
However, that was not right now. Right now Zhongli was confused.
Somewhere else at that very moment, an orange-haired brat was running around like a headless chicken while laughing hysterically as spears were thrown at him all while an Anemo spirit had flashbacks. But that's neither here nor there. Well, actually its there not here.
(“WAIT BRAT IN COMMON TONGUES OR BRAT IN SNEZHNAYAN? XIAO? XIAO- IF YOU DON’T ANSWER I'M GOING TO ASSUME SNEZHNAYAN- AAAA STOP THROWING SPEARS AT ME”)
“ ‘To Felix’ ” Zhongli handed Felix a weird wooden contraption, “I believe it’s called an Ouji board? There isn’t a note with it.”
Felix was as white as a sheet, sweat was clearly visible on his face. With shaking hands, he took the ‘gift’ and nodded, “It’s a Fontaini contraption to talk to ghosts.”
The rest of the squad tittered.
-
“+5 R points from Felix,” AR’s voice chimed.
Ajax who was still in the middle of an impromptu exercise courtesy of Xiao, asked the important question, “What about Xiao?”
“I don’t think you need a system to know that.”
-
“ ‘Andrei my favourite manager you can keep my office as a second office and all my expensive pens from the Palace’”
“I thought he gave those-” “It’s the boss he probably did something insane to get them” “Do you think he fought someone for another set?” “Probably” The fatuus whispered.
“ ‘Miss Li please have my Devil’s chocolate cake recipe and guard it. I trust you with my life- well death.”
Miss Li started tearing up.
“Would this be a bad idea in the long run if the news of his life ever came out?” Paimon whisper-shouted.
“It wouldn’t be anything undeserved,” Lumine said, having had experienced that firsthand as well a week prior.
What a power couple. Always dying those two.
“ ‘Finally I want everyone to use my death as an excuse to party. I refuse to die all dreadful and drab. I know you will miss my beautiful, funny, charismatic, sexy, strong, funny, humble, hilarious self in your lives but you will have to adjust and move on. I will be there in spirit. Chin up kings or the crown will slip.’ He also requested with that, for me to give everyone drinks with his money.”
“He’s got to run out of money one day,” Lumine whispered to Paimon.
“ ‘I will never run out of money Lumine’ he requested I say that if you mentioned his money.”
Hu Tao brought out way too much celebratory firewater to a funeral. All the Fatuus for one liked the gesture, at least if their drinking had anything to do with it.
“At least we got half a day off...” “Amen.”
Hu Tao giggled. This was going to be a
fun
funeral!