Work Text:
From: Reid, Spencer
To: Castoro, Faith
Subj: I messed up
I’m sorry to be emailing you again when you obviously have better things to do than talk me down from the ledge outside of our sessions. I wouldn’t be bothering you at all except I have to reschedule for tomorrow, I’m still out of town and I won’t be able to make it, and I don’t know how long it will be until I can make another appointment with you, and I’m really struggling right now.
Now that I’m saying it, I don’t really want to say it—I don’t want to admit to what I did; it was the first time I’d done it in so long, in years. I just needed to feel something different from what I was feeling. Do you know what I’m trying to tell you? Please tell me you know. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.
I won’t tell you about the case, per our agreement to focus on me and my feelings and not whatever’s going on at work, but I will tell you it’s a bad one, and it’s brought up a lot of stuff for me— obviously— and I’m not handling it well at all. I think my coworkers can tell, but I haven’t managed to actually open up to any of them, and I don’t know if I will. It’s just so much, I’m so much, and I’m terrified of driving them away the way I have everyone else in my life.
Help me?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CG-1JDi4240
From: Castoro, Faith
To: Reid, Spencer
Subj: Re: I messed up
First of all, you don’t have to apologize to me for self-harm. Do I want you not to do it? Of course. Do I want to know you’re safe? Absolutely. Have you disappointed me or let me down in some way? Hell, no. I’m not here to tell you what to do, Spencer. I’m here to help you deal with things. So that’s what we’re going to do.
Before we do that, though, I need us to be clear on one thing. You have not driven away everyone else in your life. You did not drive your father away—leaving was his choice. You did not drive your mother away—she has an illness. You did not drive Ethan away—he had his own demons to conquer. You did not drive Gideon away—I hate to make the parallel, because believe it or not, it’s not the same, but—leaving was his choice, too. I know it feels like it, but you are not the common denominator here. It’s not always about you. (Read that as slightly sarcastic and said with kindness!)
Now. First, are you physically okay? Do you require medical attention? Email isn’t the best medium to ask these questions, but I know better than to call you when you’re on a case, so I hope you’ll answer as soon as you can.
Are you beating yourself up about this? My guess is yes. If you can, try to take a step away. (Not literally.) Think about something else. Distract yourself. Beating yourself up isn’t going to make anything better, and it’s not going to take back what happened. The best you can do is just try to move forward. Does that make sense?
Email me back so I know you’re safe and cared for, and we can discuss further, okay?
Oh, and Spencer? Your team cares about you, and you are not at all “too much” for them, I promise. Obviously I don’t know them personally, but from what you’ve told me over the years, I can say pretty confidently that they want to be here for you and help you. Try to let them.
From: Reid, Spencer
To: Castoro, Faith
Subj: Re: Re: I messed up
I don’t need medical attention. It was fairly minor, in the scheme of things. I took care of it. Thank you for asking, even though I’m sure you’re required to.
Morgan can tell something’s wrong. We’re sharing a room, and I skipped dinner with the team in favor of locking myself in the bathroom and… well, you know the rest. Anyway, he came back while I was still in the bathroom cleaning up, and I’m pretty sure he was confused/concerned. He didn’t really say anything, though. I don’t think he really knows how to handle me. Or maybe I’m just projecting that. Maybe everything is totally fine and it’s just the inside of my head that’s messy and complicated. Maybe I’m just trying to get attention.
Okay, I can practically see you throwing your hands up in the air. I know we’ve had this conversation a hundred thousand times. I know that probably, realistically, according to the facts, I don’t “pretend to have autism and mental health issues for attention” no matter how much I worry about that. I know that. It’s just… hard to actually know that?
Whatever.
Thank you for what you said about me not driving everyone away. I think I just needed to hear that. Again.
Ugh, I’m such a mess and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to handle working with the team tomorrow. I’m not so good at pretending to be okay, but I don’t want to worry them. I’m also not looking forward to the bright fluorescent lights in the police precinct or the various overwhelming smells that seem to pop up constantly, both in the precinct and at crime scenes. It feels like my senses have been extra sensitive lately, which is so inconvenient and annoying. The officers look at me funny when I wear my headphones, but I don’t really see an alternative. So I’m just trying to deal with it.
I didn’t mean to just complain at you for a hundred pages. I’m sure you have more important things to be doing than reading this drivel. Sorry.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTgMFcFIH9k
From: Castoro, Faith
To: Reid, Spencer
Subj: Re: Re: Re: I messed up
You have got to stop apologizing. You know you’re paying me for this, right? You’re not inconveniencing me in any way. I’m here for you. Even if it’s to complain for a hundred pages, which you categorically have not done. You’re fine, Spencer. Take a breath. Turn off whatever depressing shit you’re listening to on your headphones and listen to something that will help you feel better. Does Matchbox 20 have any, like, upbeat songs?
I know this is a controversial suggestion from your perspective, but I think you should talk to Morgan. You don’t have to tell him everything that’s going on, but give him something. Let him be here for you. You’re sharing a room, you’re not going to be able to hide that you’re not okay. I don’t want you to try to hide that. You deserve to have a space where you feel safe, where you don’t have to constantly pretend to be fine. Talking to Morgan will allow you to have that space.
Now, how can we help you deal with the sensory overload in the field tomorrow? Are you able to get away from the precinct, or are you sort of stuck there? Is there a separate room you could work in that would get you away from some of the smells, where you could maybe dim the lights or turn some of them off? I’m glad to know you’re wearing your headphones. You are deserving of accommodations, even though I know you hate asking for them. Think about what we can do to make this a more sustainable work environment for you. Can you wear a mask when you go to crime scenes? Do you have your sunglasses?
When you write back, I’m hoping you’ll share with me your plan for talking to Morgan, and also your plan for sensory accommodations tomorrow. If you need help brainstorming some more, let me know.
Are you feeling safe right now? Should we be talking about harm reduction techniques as well? Keep me posted.
From: Reid, Spencer
To: Castoro, Faith
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Re: I messed up
I hate your suggestion, but I also know you’re right. I’m going to talk to Morgan tomorrow. I already asked him if we could talk in the morning, so now I can’t chicken out. He looked confused(?), but said okay. He actually looked like he wanted to say more than that, but then I panicked and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth, except actually I’m emailing you on my phone from the bathroom instead. I’m hoping he’ll be asleep when I come out.
I guess I can talk to Hotch tomorrow about finding somewhere separate to work, since I’ll mostly be relegated to the precinct. I think he’ll understand. This actually isn’t the first time I’ve asked for this. I’m also bringing my sunglasses in case whatever room I end up in has fluorescent lights that can’t be dimmed. I don’t feel as weird wearing them inside when it’s just me.
I’m safe right now. I mean, I’m thinking about it—a lot— but I won’t do anything tonight, not with Morgan right on the other side of the door. I don’t think I’m going to tell him about that tomorrow. It’s too much, and no one knows, and I’d prefer to keep it that way.
Part of me wants this to be a one-time slip. The other part wants something very different, but I’m trying not to think about that part.
I’m so tired.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNm-tWPArDM
From: Reid, Spencer
To: Castoro, Faith
Subj: Morgan
I know you haven’t replied to my last email yet, because it’s only been like 6 hours and all of those were at night, but I wanted to tell you how my talk with Morgan went this morning.
We got up extra early and made coffee and then I sat on the bed wrapped up in the comforter, because it’s easier for me to talk about difficult things when I feel safe and secure, and he sat on a chair across from me. He asked me what was going on, and if I was okay, and he looked really concerned, and it freaked me out. I almost told him “nevermind.” But I didn’t.
I told him that this case has been really hard for me, and that I’ve been struggling with how to handle that. I told him I don’t really know what to do, but I thought someone should know because I’m aware that I’m not hiding it well, and I wanted that person to be him because I trust him. I told him about the sensory issues, too, though I’m sure he already knew about them.
Halfway through my voice got all tight and crackly, but I managed to say everything I wanted to say. I was gripping the comforter so hard I thought it might rip, but thankfully it didn’t. After I said everything, I just sort of flopped down on my side and curled up in my cocoon, and Morgan came over and sat next to me and asked if he could put a hand on my shoulder, and I said yes, so he did.
He told me he was really glad that I was willing to talk to him, because he’s been really worried about me and didn’t really know what to do. He said he’s here if I ever want to talk about anything, or if I just need a distraction, and he told me I’m important to him, and to the team, and that everyone just wants to know that I’m all right. I told him that he could tell the team that we talked, if he wants. If that would put them at ease. He said that he would.
He was so nice, Faith. I don’t know why I would have expected him not to be, but… it was just a really good conversation and he didn’t try to pry into what specifically was upsetting me, and he didn’t get overprotective and weird, and he didn’t get mad at me for taking so long to talk to someone. And of course he didn’t do those things, why would he, why was I so worried?
Anyway, I feel good about that, and I feel okay about asking Hotch for accommodations when we get to work and I just… feel a lot better than I did yesterday, that’s for sure. Thank you for all of your help. I appreciate you so much.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paP2y5m1Lfg
From: Castoro, Faith
To: Reid, Spencer
Subj: Re: Morgan
Spencer, I’m so incredibly proud of you! That was a huge step that you took, and I know it wasn’t easy. I hope this makes things a little easier for you with the whole team, and allows you to take care of yourself in the way that you need.
I’m excited to hear how your conversation with Hotch went this morning - keep me posted!
I keep thinking that the Spencer I initially started seeing a couple of years ago would never have spoken to Morgan or Hotch about any of these things. Look at how far you’ve come!
As far as the other thing in the other email, I’m really glad you’ve been able to resist the urge so far, but I’m worried about how frequent the thoughts seem to be. Can you let me know where things stand this evening? If you’re still having the thoughts at the same frequency as you were last night? I just think it would be a good thing to keep track of. If you can think of a way to sort of quantify the thoughts - I know you hate 1-5 scales, but if you can think of another way to kind of give an idea of how bad it is - that would be much appreciated. If you can’t, that’s okay, too.
Hang in there. Talk soon.
From: Reid, Spencer
To: Castoro, Faith
Subj: Re: Re: Morgan
The talk with Hotch was scary but ultimately turned out fine. We sat down to talk and I completely lost my voice, which was humiliating. He’s seen that happen to me once or twice before, though, so it wasn’t totally out of the blue. I ended up writing my request down on a notepad and handing it to him. He seemed a little surprised at first but recovered quickly and agreed to everything I asked. He helped me find a spare office to work in, and I was able to dim some of the lights so they weren’t so overwhelming, and I worked in there with my headphones on for most of the morning. Keeping the door closed kept out all the smells from the precinct, so that was good, too. And Hotch let everyone know where I would be so that they could come talk to me if they needed to. Morgan obviously sent out a text or something after talking to me, because everyone was like… extra nice to me? I don’t know how to describe it. Gentle, maybe, is a better word. Not in an infantilizing way, though. It was good.
The thoughts are still pretty frequent and pretty bad… on a rainbow scale of [red=no thoughts] to [violet=giving in] I’m at about an indigo. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s the best I can really do. It’s just really bad and I feel like I’m teetering on the edge. I caught myself digging into my cuticles with my fingernails while I was working earlier. I was able to narrowly avoid drawing blood, but it didn’t really help anything.
Okay, so. I wrote the first part of that email, and then I saved it in my drafts because I got called into the field to help apprehend the unsub. I didn’t do much - honestly, I felt like I was in the way - until he came running out of the house and knocked me down. I was so caught off guard, I just sat there for a second trying to process what had happened before it occurred to me to get up and go after him. I did my best, but I couldn’t catch him. Luckily, Emily caught up with him a few blocks later and was able to take him down and cuff him.
But we all went back to the hotel and I felt like absolute garbage and no one reprimanded me for my mistake but they should’ve, and I just felt so guilty. Emily got nicked with his knife when she caught him. If I’d had better reflexes and caught him right away, that wouldn’t have happened. I could have prevented her getting injured. And I didn’t. I just sat there on the ground like a complete idiot.
Anyway, we got back to our rooms and Morgan was waiting with Emily while she got stitched up so I was alone in the room. And I gave in to the thoughts. And I hate typing that, I hate telling you, because that makes it real. As if the bandages on my leg don’t make it real. Before you ask, I don’t need medical attention. At least, I don’t think I do. I’ve got everything cleaned up, in any case. If they haven’t stopped bleeding in a few hours, I guess I’ll reevaluate.
I want to say sorry, and I wish I hadn’t done it, and I’ll be better next time. But the truth is, I’m not sorry, I’m glad I did it, and I want to do it again as soon as possible.
So.
There we are.
Please don’t lock me up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URYhXY5R0rQ
From: Castoro, Faith
To: Reid, Spencer
Subj: Re: Re: Plan
I’m not going to lock you up. I know you’ve been made to feel in the past that you’re going to be hospitalized anytime you hurt yourself, but that’s not how I do things.
Can you please make a plan for me, in case the cuts aren’t healing by a certain time? A contingency plan, if you will. Tell me exactly what you’re looking for when you check them, and what you’re going to do if you find it. If it means going to Walgreens for Steri-Strips or going to urgent care or the emergency room… I just want to know that you have a plan to take care of yourself. Please send me that as soon as possible, okay?
Also, are you having any suicidal ideation, or is this mostly about the cutting? If you are, can you rate it on the color scale for me please?
I’m so sorry things turned around so drastically. That’s not what you need at all right now. For what it’s worth, I don’t believe you did anything wrong in the field. It’s not your fault you process things a little slower than you’d like sometimes, especially when you’re caught off guard. You did your best, which is all you can do. It’s not your fault Emily got hurt. I promise.
Can I ask what you’ve been using to harm yourself, and if there’s any chance you would be willing to get rid of it? Or if you’d be willing to tell anyone about what happened - besides me, I mean. Anyone you’re physically near to right now. You don’t have to, but… just think about it, okay?
I just want to know that you’re safe, Spencer.
Please take care. Everything will be okay eventually.
From: Reid, Spencer
To: Castoro, Faith
Subj: some stuff
I don’t think I have suicidal ideation. If I do, it’s probably an orange on the scale. I’m not hurting myself as a suicide attempt - I think you know that already. But just clarifying.
If I need medical attention later, my first stop will be the 24 hour pharmacy for Steri-Strips or butterfly tapes or something. If that doesn’t work for some reason, I guess I’ll go to an urgent care in the morning. Or the emergency room tonight if it’s really bad. But I’m really hoping none of that will happen and it’ll just be fine.
I’ve been using a broken disposable shaving razor. I could get rid of it, but I have more in my luggage. I don’t want to get rid of all of them. I’m sorry, I just can’t.
I don’t know who I’d tell. Not Hotch, he’s my boss. Not Rossi, he’s… practically also my boss, or at least that’s how it feels sometimes. Not Penelope, she’d get upset. Not JJ, she’d baby me.
I can’t think of reasons for Emily and Morgan, but I still don’t want to tell them. I don’t want to tell anyone.
…I’ll think about telling Emily or Morgan. I guess.
From: Castoro, Faith
To: Reid, Spencer
Subj: Re: some stuff
I’m going to be honest, your last email worried me a little bit. You didn’t include a song, and I can only count a handful of times since we’ve been emailing that that’s been the case. Also, it feels sort of distant. Like you’re pulling away on purpose. Are you? It’s okay if you are, but I’d like to talk about it if that’s the case. You’re going through a lot right now. I need to know that you’re safe and it makes me nervous when you don’t sound like your usual self in an email. We’ve been through this before, I’m sure you remember. It’s looking a bit like a pattern at this point. Which does not mean anything bad, it’s just something we need to keep an eye on. Okay?
I want you to feel safe talking to me about this stuff. I hope I’ve created an environment where you do, but if you don’t for some reason, please let me know. If you need clarification on anything, just ask. Please let me be here for you, Spencer.
I’m really happy you’re thinking about maybe telling Morgan or Emily. Let me know if I can be of any help with that. We can talk about what that might look like, what you might say, etc.I know I said I want you to be able to talk to me, but I especially want you to be able to talk to your friends. I think they really want to be there for you, if you’ll just let them. I know that’s not easy for you, but I’d love to try to navigate that with you, if you think that would be helpful.
I’m so glad to know you aren’t experiencing (much) suicidal ideation. I didn’t think so, but it never hurts to check with these things, you know? If it gets worse, please let me know. Actually, if you just want to keep me updated on whenever it changes, that would be great.
How are those cuts doing?
From: Reid, Spencer
To: Castoro, Faith
Subj: Re: Re: some stuff
They weren’t looking great, so I told Morgan I was going to the store for snacks and then I bought butterfly tapes and extra bandages and antiseptic spray at the pharmacy (and some jello so he wouldn’t be suspicious) and re-dressed everything in the bathroom. I checked on them after I got your email and they’re looking much better.
I’m sorry I scared you by being distant. I can hear you saying, “No, no, don’t be sorry—” so, okay, nevermind, I’m not sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out, though. I know I tend to pull away when things get to be Too Much and I appreciate you pointing it out to me in this instance, because I hadn’t noticed. You’re right, we should keep an eye on it. And I’ll try to be more present. Honestly, I didn’t even realize I’d forgotten to add a song, which is concerning.
Please know that I do feel safe talking to you about things. I don’t talk to anyone about the sorts of things I talk about with you. It’s taken a fair amount of time, but I do trust you and I do feel comfortable with you. I think we have a good dynamic. And I’ll do my best to continue to be open and honest with you. I know you’re helping me. Hotch, when I asked him about the accommodations, commented that I was doing a better job advocating for myself and he was glad to see I was taking care of myself better. I have you to thank for both of those things. I didn’t tell him that, but I think he knows. I’m pretty sure he was the one who initially slipped your business card into my satchel when he knew I was struggling.
I’m still on the fence about talking to Morgan or Emily. I’m terrified of them seeing me as weak, or messed up, or unable to do my job. I’m sure they know by now about the autism—I can’t exactly hide it—but the idea of telling them about the other shit that goes on in my brain, and what I do to cope with that, is terrifying. What if it changes how they are around me? What if our friendships are never the same? What if they want to take me to a hospital?
I guess what I’m saying is, I could use your help brainstorming what I might say, should I decide to talk to them.
I’m heading to bed. I’ve spent enough time tending to my wounds from earlier… I don’t plan to create any more tonight.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IMAKkCQkkI
From: Castoro, Faith
To: Reid, Spencer
Subj: Re: Re: Re: some stuff
Hope you’re getting some good rest. Are you flying home in the morning?
Your last message sounded much more like “you”. I appreciate your insight and self-awareness, and we will definitely keep an eye on you distancing yourself in the future. Remember, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything “bad”. It’s just another coping mechanism and it’s valid even if it can be concerning.
I think your concerns are legitimate regarding talking to Emily or Morgan, but I wonder if maybe you’re catastrophizing a bit. You know Emily and Morgan, and they know you. Do you really think they’re going to change how they are with you just because of that? Think about times in the past when they’ve learned something about you, or your history, and how they reacted. And if they do try to take you to a hospital, tell them that you’re already getting treatment (which you are, with me) and that I don’t find it necessary for you to be hospitalized at this time.
I’m glad to know you feel safe and comfortable with me. That’s really important. And I’m glad for whoever it was that slipped you my business card (I honestly don’t know). Good on Hotch for recognizing how far you’ve come!
I hope you have a safe flight home. Let me know if you want to try for an in-person appointment once you’re back. I have tomorrow at 4 and Friday at 5 still open this week. How are the self-harm urges on a scale of red to violet?
From: Reid, Spencer
To: Castoro, Faith
Subj: Home again
Blue.
We made it home, finally. And I did something big: after reading your email and getting that reassurance, I talked to Emily on the plane. I didn’t really plan to, but we ended up in the back of the plane together so we had relative privacy and we were just sort of chatting and then one thing led to another and I opened up to her about what’s been going on.
I told her how I’ve been struggling with the latest case, and how I’d talked to Morgan a little bit about it, and then… I told her that I struggle with hurting myself, and that it’s been really bad lately, and I wasn’t really sure what to do, but my therapist has been urging me to talk to my friends about things and that’s why I was telling her. And she was really nice about it, she asked me questions and listened to my answers. She told me I could call her anytime if I needed someone to talk to. She didn’t act like I was crazy or suggest that I go to a hospital. It was just really, really good and I’m grateful that you urged me to reach out to her.
I think maybe I will call her sometime. Maybe.
Tomorrow at 4 would be perfect. I’ll see you then.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WTyClDgP_M