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Henry knows that if he tries to leave, Alex will just chase after him. It may not be right away, but sooner or later, Alex will come after him and force them to talk, so Henry shoves down the instinct that says to run and instead pulls Alex in for a kiss, hoping to distract him.
To Henry's relief, Alex goes with it for a moment, but only for a moment. Then he's pulling back just enough to meet Henry's eyes and says what Henry can't hear. Not from Alex.
"I l–" Static fills his ears, drowning out the words Henry's dreams and nightmares are made of.
He takes a deep breath and forces a casual air to his reply, trying to give off the image of someone who doesn't care, whose throat isn't burning with the desire to say those words.
"Oh. I'm sorry, Alex, I didn't realize that you felt that way or I would have said something sooner. That isn't what this... this thing is for me."
Henry may not always be the best liar, particularly to people he loves, but he's spent his entire life in the public eye and he can act when the situation calls for it. Convincing Alex that their relationship means nothing certainly calls for it.
"'That isn't what this is'? Really?" Alex scoffs, as if he can sense exactly how much Henry is bullshitting right now. "You're going to stand there, after everything we've been through with each other, everything we've shared, all the little fucked up pieces, and say that this isn't like that for you? That you, what? Don't feel the same?"
"I don't," Henry says as simply as possible. "This was never that serious to me."
"Then tell me, Henry, what the hell are you doing here? Why come?"
As convincingly as he can, Henry shrugs like he doesn't care. "For fun, I suppose."
"Fun," Alex repeats. He doesn't move, but something shifts and it seems like Alex crumples in on himself. It only lasts a minute, though, before his eyes turn flinty. "Bullshit."
Henry blinks at him. "Pardon?"
"Bullshit. I know you think you're fooling me, but you aren't. You think I would say it if I didn't think you felt the same? You love me, I can see it. I just don't know why you won't admit it."
Damn it, why did Alex have to know him so well? Why can't Alex just let him go, accept the fact that Henry's feelings matter so little that he disregards them as a matter of habit?
"Perhaps because some of us have responsibilities? There are no lifetime obligations as the First Son, but my entire life exists because of and for the Crown. One day, I'm going to have to marry someone of Gran's choosing, cursed to a life forever in the closet, but I've accepted that fact. It's not a happy life but I don't get to be happy. I don't get the luxury of loving whomever I want."
"Bullshit," Alex says again. "You're choosing to lock yourself away rather than try. You think I don't notice the ivory tower you're in? You don't have to live like that. I don't know what all she's said to you, but everything you just said is probably on a piece of paper somewhere in Mary's handwriting. You think Philip's turned into her puppet, but from where I'm standing? That suit of armor you wear has strings. You just can't see them."
What Henry hates the most is that Alex isn't wrong. Everything he's spouting off is straight from Gran's lectures. Breaking up with Alex is something she'd want. But Henry's not wrong, either. He isn't allowed to love who he wants. He can't even marry someone without Gran's approval. He isn't allowed to have any kind of happiness, let alone the kind that lies with a relationship–a proper relationship with Alex.
Not that it stops him from wanting. Not that it prevents it from hurting.
"I wish you could understand, I can't do this, no matter what my personal hopes are, no matter how much I might wish otherwise. Until I'm out of the public eye, I will never be allowed to be out, and I'll never be able to truly fade into obscurity. Which means I will never be able to love someone in the light of day. And you–Alex, you deserve far more and far better than being kept secret behind closed doors. And this, us, was never supposed to be serious."
Alex looks for all the world like he might be physically biting his tongue, and Henry wishes they weren't in the bloody lake for this conversation. It would be easier if he could pace and hide and not advertise everything he feels like a neon sign across his face.
"If we were never supposed to be serious, why let it happen at all? You've been as much a willing participant in this relationship as I have. And no matter what you try to say, it is a relationship. Why let me fall in love with you if you never wanted it to go this far? And don't lie to me," Alex says, voice fierce. "You had to have known. You're not blind and you're not stupid, it had to have been obvious what was happening. Why let this carry on for so long, why let it get so personal, if it wasn't ever anything real?"
"It was real." The words slip out without permission or conscious thought and Henry has to duck his head to avoid Alex's raised eyebrows. "You've already said it, but I have been in love with you for so long, I don't think I know how to stop, but this isn't about how I feel or how you feel. This is about the fact that I'm not like you. I don't have the option, the luxury or the freedom to be able to come out and be with you."
Something about his speech makes Alex fold, though in a way he doesn't expect. "I would never ask you to come out. Not if it's not safe for you. I would be happy with little more than we already have. I just want to love you, Henry. If it's behind closed doors, I'm happy with that. If it means any future we have involves us conveniently living next door to each other rather than living together, I'd be happy with that. All I care about is getting to be with you. And don't tell me I deserve more than that. You don't get to tell me what I do or not deserve. We can figure out how to love each other on our own terms."
Christ. Alex's ability to speak his mind without hesitation is a feat Henry will always remain somewhat jealous of. Every part of him wants to agree, wants to throw away any remaining concerns and stay with Alex.
"Please, H. Let me love you. That's all I ask," Alex says softly and it's enough to make Henry break, shuddering and bowing his head, blinking back tears. "Baby?"
"Okay. I can't promise I won't mess all this up later on, that I won't do something to make you tire of me, but okay. You win."
Tilting his head, he pulls Alex in for a kiss, one though though one that's softer than he expects. With the slow, gentle way he kisses and his hand cradling Henry's face, the kiss itself is something Henry can only describe as tender and sweet.
When they break apart, Alex grins. "Now, can I try this again without an interruption this time?"
Ah, of course Alex is going to be a little shit. And he willingly chose more of this.
"By all means," he says, rolling his eyes.
"I love you," Alex says and even knowing the words were coming does nothing to stop the smile unfurling on Henry's face.
"I love you, too."