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Percy’s friends were all out for the evening and he was alone in his dorm room. They’d told him all about their plans but they didn’t explicitly invite him, so rather than joining them, he laid in bed scrolling through TikTok. He wasn’t that upset with them, or really upset with them at all. Since he and Annabeth broke up their friends had been trying to accommodate both of them, but inviting one and not the other was their only solution it seemed.
And then Annabeth had started dating Connor Stoll. Which had been totally fine! Percy loves Connor, they’re able to joke around with each other and Percy doesn’t feel at all uncomfortable around them! And Percy is happy for Annabeth, too! She seems genuinely very happy.
What bothers him is that Annabeth talks about Connor as if her relationship with Percy never happened. Like they didn’t date for 4 years, and they didn’t love each other. As if she never loved him at all.
And maybe she didn’t! Whatever!
Percy scrolled to the next video. This TikTok happened to be just a single photo saying “If you were in a room full of everyone you’ve ever met in your life, who would you look for first?”
He sighed and locked his phone. Sometimes those types of questions sent him into a weird headspace that he would rather avoid. Unfortunately, this one sort of burrowed its way into his mind.
Percy got out of bed to look through his snack drawer. It had been a couple weeks since he’d restocked it, so there wasn’t much left. He looked down at the half eaten box of granola bars and the opened sleeve of crackers and decided he should probably just go get something else.
He slipped his jeans and boots on, and put his AirPods in. Walking around New Rome sometimes felt too crowded, and people tended to leave him alone when they noticed he had headphones in.
Percy made his way toward his favorite cafe to get a tea before he headed to the store. The barista saw him and started his drink before he could even order. They did that a lot for him here, and he always really appreciated it.
His favorite spot near the window was open, so he decided to go sit and drink his tea instead of carrying it to the store with him. He sipped his beverage and looked out the window at the little ones playing near the fountain. Other college students sitting on benches or at little tables, discussing homework or whatever.
He finished his drink and discarded the paper cup in the garbage on his way out the door. A familiar girl with pink hair waved at him, and he couldn’t quite remember her name but he smiled and waved back politely. It only took him a couple minutes to get to the market.
Percy picked up some snack foods. That was most of what he kept in his dorm anyway. NRU had good cafeteria hours and good food, so keeping meals in his room seemed like a waste of space. He did love snacks though, especially little sweet treats.
“Who would you look for first?”
The frustrating question popped into his head as he picked up a box of Cosmic Brownies and dropped them into his cart. Does it fucking matter??
He knows who he would look for first. Sure, at one point it would have been his mom. Then Annabeth. Now it’s… uh.
Shit.
Okay currently his best friend is Apollo, right? The god had been tutoring him for a while and they’d fallen into some sort of really close friendship along the way. They talked every day, whether they saw each other or not.
Well, until recently.
Recently it seemed like Apollo was busy a lot. Or was spending time with his kids more. Which is fine! Percy has seen how happy Will is when he talks about getting to spend more time with his dad. And that makes Percy happy. Really.
It does.
So Percy would say he’d look for Apollo first.
Anyway. Percy checked out and took his bags in his hands and made his way back to his room. He’d left the door unlocked, nobody would dare enter his room without his permission. And he organized his snack drawer for the next 20 minutes or so.
“Who would come find you first?”
Okay brain, fuck you.
That question was even harder to think about. So he didn’t.
Percy turned on his tv, a gift from his dad, and switched to his HBO account. Sometimes he needed mindless shows to turn his brain off to, and currently he was on his 4th rewatch of Impractical Jokers.
He tried so hard to get his brain to turn off as he watched Q and Murr attach balloons to people in the supermarket. But he couldn’t get that second question out of his head, and it was buzzing louder and louder in his brain.
Percy didn’t pray often. Especially to gods he’d met before. But he took one glance away from the tv screen and saw his roommates rose quartz tower, shimmering in the light from the bedside lamp.
He didn’t touch the crystals often, even though his roommate said it was okay. But he found himself out of his bed and reaching out to pick up the pink stone. It was cold to the touch, but it felt like it was buzzing with energy in his hand.
The overwhelming urge to talk to Aphrodite overpowered him. A feeling he’d never had, even when he was with Annabeth. Even when he was physically in the presence of the goddess herself!
“Um, I don’t really quite know the proper way to do this I guess. But, uh… hi? L-lady Aphrodite. This feels a little embarrassing… anyway, I just-“
He choked. Why was this so hard?
“I just want to be loved.”
He felt his cheeks grow warm and he reached up to touch his face, and realized he was already crying.
“I want to feel loved. Not- not just from others but like. I want to love myself and I don’t know how. I don’t think I even like myself, let alone love! And I just want him- uh, I mean someone to love me. I want someone to make me feel special. I want someone to actually think I’m special, and- and…”
He sobbed. Body wrenching sobs.
“I want someone to look for me first! I want to be that for someone and I’m not that person for anyone! I want to be the person someone would look for first!”
He clutched that stone closer to his chest as his body shook with sobs.
He thought about his mom, and how she would look for Paul first. They’re happy and in love, and not only husband and wife, but Paul had quickly become his mom’s best friend.
Annabeth would look for Connor. He’s the love of her life. Percy wasn’t even really a thought for her anymore.
Even Apollo wouldn’t look for him first, and that was the real kicker here. He would be looking for Apollo, but Apollo would be looking for someone else. Perhaps one of his kids, or Artemis or Hermes. And he got it, but it fucking hurt.
Percy put the crystal back on the shelf, his hands still shaking. He let out the last sob he had bubbling up in his chest and decided to just go to bed early. His friends would be out a while longer, but they wouldn’t text him. They were busy.
A while later he crawled into bed and tucked the blanket over his shoulders as he faced the wall. Just in case his roommate returned, he didn’t want the poor guy to be faced with a potentially still crying Percy. He steadied his breathing and started to drift off. His last thought of the love goddess.
~
“What’s wrong?”
Aphrodite turned toward her lover and smiled sadly. As much as she’d put Percy Jackson through, she did care for him. She did want him to be happy.
Ares sat next to her and brushed her hair off her shoulder, and planted a kiss there. She leaned into his touch and he held her close.
She chose not to tell Ares about the prayer, about Percy’s tears and feelings. Those were between her and the demigod himself, she had decided.
Whatever she had to do, she would make sure someone would find him first.