Archive of Our Own

January 15th

If you ask Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto when he fell in love with Sydney Adamu, he won't be able to tell you the exact moment, because it's something that happened gradually. Now that he thinks about it, he feels like every shared moment with her made him fall more and more for her. And there are so many of them engraved in his mind: the first time he met her, the day she arrived with a 30-pages COGS full of ideas and graphs for The Beef, the time she called him a piece of shit in front on the entire staff, her coming back to The Beef and agreeing to open the restaurant with him, every time she shared something personal about her, every occasion she made him laugh. The list could truly go on.

But, if you ask him when he realized he was in love with her, he can tell you the exact moment. It was during his first therapy session following the restaurant's opening.

As Carmy lies on his bed, he starts to reflect on the last few months. A lot of things have happened to Carmy since Friends & Family. That day proved to be a particularly tough day for him. It started with possibly one of the worst panic attacks he's ever had. Then, Natalie told him she had invited their mother - an abusive, alcoholic woman whom he hadn't seen or talked to in years - to Friends & Family. And, when he finally managed to convince himself that the evening would go smoothly, he saw - well, he thought he saw - his old abusive boss sitting here, in his restaurant, sending him in a panic state that ended with him getting stuck in the walk-in, letting Sydney and the entire team down.

As far as days went, Carmy had certainly seen better. But, this one served as a wake-up call, leading him to finally decide - with a little encouragement from Sugar - that it was time to seek therapy.

So here he was, seated across from his new therapist, telling her about the intense panic attack he had on that particular day. After Carmy finished retelling that experience, his therapist, Dr. Marks, asked, "So when you had this panic attack, did you try anything to help you calm down?"

Carmy paused, thinking back to that day. He remembered thinking about Claire, hoping that the thought of his then-girlfriend would calm him down, but it seemed to have the opposite effect, intensifying his panic attack even more. He only managed to calm down when...

"I just thought of Syd," he stated, without hesitation.

Dr. Marks nodded, writing down notes in her notebook. "And who is Syd?"

"Sydney. Um, she's my business partner, she's…"

How could Carmy describe in a few words what Sydney meant to him? Yes, she was his business partner, but he always felt like she was so much more than that.

Sydney had become such a constant in his life. Every time he tried to envision his future, he always saw himself in The Bear's kitchen, with her by his side.

But more than that, she seemed to understand him better than anyone else. It always amazed him how effortless it was when they brainstormed together. He only had to say a few words, and she would immediately understand his idea. It was like they spoke the same language, a language only the two of them could speak. When he thought about it, he felt like he was only truly himself when he was with her. He didn't have to force anything with her because talking to her was always so easy. He didn't have to pretend with her because she always saw through his bullshit. Unknowingly, she pushed him to be a better chef and a better person.

Sydney was so many things: talented, stubborn, funny, curious, determined, kind, understanding, impatient, guarded, honest and creative. Her mere presence brought him a sense of peace like no one else had before. Just the memory of their first meeting, her soft "Hi, hello" echoing in his mind, had been enough to calm him down from his panic attack

So, he thought back to his brother's last words and thought Let it rip.

"I think I'm in love with her," he finally answered, feeling a weight in his chest evaporated.

But Carmy was not ready for a relationship back then. He knew he hadn't been the best boyfriend to Claire. While he hadn't treated her poorly, he still hadn't been entirely honest with her and still hated himself for the things she had heard when he was stuck in the walk-in.

He would hate himself if Sydney gave him a chance only for him to fuck it up in a similar way. That's why he knew that if he truly wanted to pursue those feelings, he needed to become a better version of himself. He had to work on himself first. So that's what he did.

So, Carmy started going to therapy once a week, on Wednesdays, while continuing to attend Al-Anon meetings on Sunday nights. It was Dr. Marks who encouraged him to keep going to Al-Anon meetings. She told him that having a dedicated space where her could both share his own experiences and listen to others' stories was essential for his healing process and personal growth. 

Therapy wasn't always easy, but it was working. Carmy had no idea he had so much things bottled up inside him. From his father abandoning his family, to his abusive mother neglecting her children, the abuse inflicted by his old bosses and Mikey's suicide, Carmy and Dr. Mark delved into a multitude of his traumas during their sessions.

One of his first homework Dr. Marks gave him was to go on an apology tour. Carmy knew he had disappointed a lot of people during the past few months and needed to make things right. He had already apologized to Sydney and the staff the morning after Friends & Family, but he still had more apologies to make.

Starting off with Claire. Carmy still felt ashamed about the way their relationship ended. He had desperately wanted to have a normal life, and he really thought being in a relationship would help him experience and provide enjoyment. 

And Carmy wasn't the most religious person, but when he saw her - the girl he had the biggest crush on back in high school - at the grocery store, after days of seeking a way to add enjoyment in his life, he took it a sign. 

And he genuinely liked her, he really did. She was calm, understanding, had a crazier job than his, and, yet, she was still kind. Claire was the kind of girl that everyone loves.

But he didn't love her. And in the end, he managed to break her heart in the worst way, like the asshole that he was.

So Carmy finally mustered the courage to call her and apologize. It wasn't the easiest conversation, but it was needed. He'd expected her to be angry or to yell at him, but, because she was Claire, she was understanding, of course. 

"I'm glad you're finally going to therapy, Bear. I hope you'll allow yourself to be happy one day, with the right person for you," she said, before ending the call.

He knew they probably won't see or talk to each other again, but at least he was glad they could have some kind of closure.

The next apology on Carmy's list was for Richie. Thankfully, it was an easy thing to do because Richie was not the type of person to hold grudges. And what better time to do it than during their cigarette break?

"Come on, Cousin, it's not like it's the worst thing we've ever said to each other," Richie replied to his apology, taking a long drag of his cigarette. "And you were literally stuck in a fridge. I'd lose it too if I were in your shoes."

"I know, but it was still shitty of me. I shouldn't have called you a leech. You've done so much for my family, and you were there for Nat and Donna when Mikey died, unlike me. And you did so much for this restaurant, man. This place wouldn't be the same without you."

"Appreciate you, Cousin. But I know I can be a little too much. You know how fucked up my parents were, so you guys are like my only family - with Eva, of course. And maybe I sometimes get too involved in your family-"

"Don't be dumb, Richie. You are family," Carmy reassured him.

Richie put his hand on his shoulder. "Thanks, Cousin," he said sincerely. They were silent for a few minutes, both finishing their cigarettes, before Richie broke the silence. "So, therapy, huh? How's that going?"

Carmy shrugged. "It's okay. Not easy but it helps."

"Well, I'm glad it's working, man. For the first time in your life, you actually look like you don't hate being alive."

Carmy laughed. "Fuck off. Maybe you should try."

"Yeah, maybe I should." Richie replied, stubbing his cigarette against his shoe, before heading back inside the restaurant.

Growing up, Carmy had always had a complicated relationship with Richie. Mostly because he was jealous of the way Mikey would spend all his free time with him, leaving Carmy alone at home. Even Donna seemed to love Richie more than her own children.

But, as annoying as Richie can be, Carmy is glad to have him around. Carmy sometimes feels like Richie's presence helps keep a bit of Mikey alive. He always have some crazy Mikey stories to tell, making Carmy learn new things about his brother months after his death.

And, finally, Carmy felt the need to apologize to Natalie. Growing up, he had been so selfishly involved in his own problems that he never stopped to consider all the things his sister had to deal with.

While he had the opportunity to leave Chicago and their family behind, Natalie didn't. She had to deal with their mom and brother all on her own. She had taken care of Mikey's funeral arrangements by herself because their mom was too emotional to do it, and Carmy was too scared to come home, like the coward that he was.

Carmy was so used to seeing Nat step up every time something needed to be done, he never stopped to think of how mentally exhausting this could be for her.

So, Carmy made a promise to himself to work on his relationship with his sister. For once in his life, he was going to be the one to be there for her, not the other way around.

He started by spending more time with Natalie, and by actually picking up the phone when she called. He also made an effort to get to know Pete better. And, as much as it pained him to say it, he actually enjoyed his company. He understood why his sister married him, he was the complete opposite of the Berzatto family members, always calm, always rational.

During Natalie's pregnancy, Carmy tried to help as much as he could. Knowing how stressed she could get, he, with the help of Sydney and Richie, made sure she didn't overwork herself. He even made sure to cook her some meals so she didn't have to think about cooking.

And, after Clara was born, he made an effort to visit her as often as possible. He knew it was important to Natalie to see her brother bounding with her child, and he genuinely enjoyed spending time with his niece. Sometimes Sydney liked to tease him about it, calling him a big softie for his niece. And, of course, she was right, he'd do anything for Clara. But, most importantly, Carmy wanted Clara to grow up surrounded by love, something he and his siblings didn't have the privilege of experiencing.

Another task his therapist gave him was to actually start taking care of himself. Carmy remembered the shocked expression on Dr. Marks' face when he told her he would sometimes wake up sleep-cooking, almost setting his apartment on fire.

So, Dr. Marks asked him - more like ordered him - to develop some healthy living habits. Starting with his diet, Dr. Marks only allowed him one coffee a day, explaining how caffeine was bad for his anxiety, and asked him to eat healthy meals at regular hours. Gone were the days when he would simply settle for a PB&J and a Coke as the only meal of his day.

She also encouraged him to start doing more activities unrelated to cooking such as sport, reading, spending time with family or friends... So naturally, he involved Sydney in these activities.

He also started running in the morning, which actually helped him a lot. He'd just put on the music playlist Sydney had curated for him and ran through the streets of Chicago. It helped him a lot to clear his mind, he'd just focus on his breathing and nothing else.

And, of course, Dr. Marks prescribed him some antidepressants. The combination of the medication and his new healthy habits seemed to be paying off. His mental health has never been better. He can't remember when was the last time he had a panic attack.

And weirdly, he has never felt so relaxed, even at work, which is something that has probably never happened in his career.

His love for cooking has also returned since then. If he is being honest, he feels like, for a long time, he had lost the enjoyment he once felt when he cooked. The constant pressure of trying to be the best made him lose that part of him that actually enjoyed experimenting with food. Turns out, being free of toxic bosses and the pressure to retain 3 stars made cooking enjoyable again. And, his coworkers have also something to do with that. Carmy realizes how lucky he is to be able to work every day alongside his family, an amazing team, and an even better business partner.

Speaking of Sydney, he made a vow to himself to hold onto that promise he made her that day, under the table, and to give her his full focus. Maybe he wasn't ready to date her back then, but he could at least try to become the person she needed him to be

Carmy was aware of how often he had let her down and knew he had a lot to do to make it up to her. So, he spent most of his free time with her, basically dedicating his only day off to Sydney and only her. He loved learning so many new things about her. He remembers how guarded she was at the beginning of their relationship. It took her months to tell him her mother died when she was 4 years old. Now, he feels like he knew so many things about her. From her life at the CIA, the experience of being her own boss, what she liked or disliked, her relationship with her dad... Everything carefully cataloged in a mental file dedicated to Sydney. And little by little, their relationship was not only good again, but it even began getting deeper.

Determined to never let her down again, he made it a priority to be there for her whenever she needed him. So, when Syd needed someone to help her move out, he immediately offered to carry the boxes. Every time he saw doubts in her eyes when they were trying a new recipe, he immediately had some words of encouragement to boost her confidence. When he noticed she needed a shoulder to cry on, he was immediately there, holding her in his arms while she wept. She had him completely wrapped around her finger, and she didn't even realize it.

And yes, maybe sometimes he would catch himself daydreaming about her. Sydney, with her big brown eyes and infectious smile. Sydney, with her laugh and her bad jokes. Sydney, and her insane talent for cooking.

Sometimes, he thought how stupid he had been for thinking he had ever been in love with Claire. To be fair, he had never experienced love before, so it was easy for him to mistake his lifelong crush for something deeper. But now, it is so obvious to him that he is in love with Sydney. The way the mere thought of her immediately calms him down. The sound of her laugh is like music to his ears. Every time her big brown eyes  meet his, he feels his heart skipping a beat.

And what if he sometimes stood a little too close to her or found any reason to touch her? He couldn’t help feeling a jolt of electricity going through him every time his fingers grazed her skin. 

Maybe he wasn't quite ready to declare his feelings for her, but he could hide his confessions of love behind other words. He remembered the night of the Michelin Gala when he couldn't stop himself from complementing her during the entire evening. She had looked so beautiful that night, a vision in red. He had barely managed to compliment her beauty without stuttering like an idiot.

And, of course, Natalie quickly picked up on his feelings for Sydney, but he didn't mind her knowing. It was actually nice to confide in his sister.

"What do you mean you're not gonna say anything to her?" An eight-months pregnant Natalie exclaimed when he told her he wasn't planning on acting on his feelings just yet. "That girl clearly feels the same, Carm. She even got the Zendaya laugh around you."

He furrowed his brows in confusion. "The what?"

Natalie rolled her eyes in response. "Ugh, she likes you, you dumbass."

"I don't know... And even if she does, it's not the right time."

"Oh, for fuck's sake, you two are so annoying. I'm too pregnant to deal with this," she said, before leaving the office.

"Wait, Sugar, what’s the 'Zendaya laugh'?" 

And, after months of personal growth, Carmy finally felt ready to confess his feelings to Sydney. This realization struck him on a random Monday of November. They were cooking together in his apartment, and the sight of her moving so comfortably around his kitchen made him him wish she could be there every day. He wanted to wake up next to her every morning, to brush their teeth side by side in his little bathroom, to cook together at the end of each day, to see her things merging to his. He just had this clear vision of her living permanently with him, and that was when he knew that the time had come to act on his feelings.

But Carmy wanted to confess his feelings in a special way, and what better opportunity than the Christmas dinner they had planned for the team on the evening before Christmas Eve. After trying to think of the perfect gift for her, he finally opted for a custom gold bracelet adorned with a small flower with 6 petals to look like a Michelin Star. He really wanted to get her something to show her how much she meant to him but also how much he believed in her as a chef.

The day of the Christmas dinner was probably the most nervous he had ever been. Throughout his career, Carmy had cooked for some of the most influential people of this planet while having to deal with abusive bosses, but it was still not as nerve-wracking than the idea of confessing his feelings to his business partner. 

He managed to keep his cool throughout the evening. Though, he felt a little bad for making Sydney wait for her gift. He noticed her disappointed face when he gave everyone a personalized gift except for her. He was so focused on finding the perfect gift he hadn't considered how it might have looked from her point of view.

He was so nervous for the rest of the night, waiting for everybody to leave, hoping she wouldn't leave before Fak, who was clearly overstaying his welcome. Thankfully, Fak left, leaving them alone, and Carmy found the perfect opportunity to offer her the bracelet.

Everything seemed to happen so quickly. He just remembered giving her the bracelet while stuttering out some words, rambling about how the Michelin’s inspectors were complete idiots for not recognizing her talent. And when she asked him to fasten the bracelet for her, he took the opportunity to step closer to her. He was just about to lean in to kiss her when they were interrupted by Fak. 

His world came crashing down when it seemed like she was in a hurry to get as far away as possible from him, taking the opportunity to leave with Fak, leaving him alone at The Bear. So, Carmy took it as a clear sign that she wasn't reciprocating his feelings.

Carmy remembered when Sydney had once confessed to him that Marcus had tried to ask her out during Friends & Family night, and how she hadn't known how to turn him down gently so she had basically fled the conversation. Naturally, Carmy couldn't help but draw parallels between those two situations.

"I'm sorry, Bear, but, did you actually tell her you have feelings for her?" Natalie asked him the next day, when he recounted her the events. It was Christmas Eve, and he was spending it at her house this year. He arrived really early, pretending he wanted to help her prepare dinner, but he mostly wanted to talk to her about what happened with Sydney. So here they were, sitting on her couch, with a 3-month-old Clara on his laps as he told his sister how he basically got rejected by the girl he had been in love for months. 

"I mean, um, not really. But we had a, like, uh, a moment before Fak interrupted us, and after that, she just acted as if she wanted to be as far away from me as possible."

"A 'moment'?" she quoted.

"Fuck off. Yes, a moment. You know what I mean."

"Hey! Do not swear in front of my daughter."

"I'm sorry, Baby Bear." He leaned down to drop a kiss on his niece's head.

"Relax, I was joking, it's not like she understands anything anyway. Isn't that right baby girl," she cooed, pinching her daughter's cheeks, making Clara laugh.

Natalie was silent for a moment, gently stroking her daughter's hair, before saying, "Maybe she just needs to hear the words from you."

Carmy sighed. "Or maybe she just doesn't feels the same, Sug. And that's okay. I don't want to make her uncomfortable by confessing her my feelings when she obviously doesn't feels the same. I just... I can't ruin what we have because of some crush."

"Come on, Bear, we both know this is not just a crush."

Fortunately, their discussion was cut short by Pete entering the living room, marking the end of that conversation for the day.

And, when Carmy saw Sydney again two days later, she seemed a little distant, avoiding making eye contact with him, but she still talked to him like she used to and the bracelet he gave her was still around her wrist, so at least this was some kind of good sign that their relationship wasn't completely ruined. But since last week, she has started acting weirder than usual, avoiding him even more and keeping their conversations strictly related to cooking, leaving Carmy more confused than ever.

So, Carmy had finally came to term with the possibility that Sydney might not reciprocate his feelings. But, he was perfectly fine with just being her friend and business partner. As long as he was in her orbit, he was happy.

That's why the last thing he expected was to wake up, on this fine Monday morning, next to a very naked Sydney Adamu.

The night before

(January 14th)

Carmy stepped into his apartment, closing the door behind him with a sigh.

Today's Al-Anon meeting had been particularly draining. Mikey’s death anniversary was coming soon and he just felt the need to talk more about him.

At least, it was a good distraction. Lately, he had been really confused by Sydney's behavior. She was a bit weird after the Christmas dinner - which he understood since he might have made his feelings for her too obvious while she obviously wasn't reciprocating them - but for the past week she was even weirder. Last Monday, on their palate cleanse, she had seemed very jittery, avoiding making eye contact and only talking about Bear related subjects. And, after they had finished eating, she had quickly left, pretexting she had to accompany her father for some kind of appointment. And she had kept acting weird for the rest of the week. She hadn't called him by his name in days, addressing him only as "Chef". And, when he had touched her shoulder the other day, she had literally stiffened, then moved away from his touch.  

It was now painfully clear to Carmy that Sydney was uncomfortable around him. He tried to think if he had done anything recently to make her react that way, but nothing was coming to his mind. And because he was Carmy and he always expected the worse, he started panicking. What if she was planing on leaving the restaurant? Or maybe she was dating someone and she didn't know how to tell him?

Exhausted, he sat on his couch, trying to think about something else, but his eyes were quickly drawn to the blanket next to him. For someone who didn’t live with him, Sydney’s presence could be seen all over his apartment. From the pillows and blanket she made him buy to get more comfortable when they were watching TV, to the plants she bought him because his apartment needed life, to the scarf and apron she left for when they cook here together. 

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of knocking at his door. Who could be visiting him at almost 11PM?  

He crossed his apartment to open the door and was met with a very breathless Sydney Adamu.

"Syd? What are you doing here?"

She was still wearing the same clothes as earlier. He remembered because she was wearing that deep green sweater with her name embroidered on the right sleeve, and her matching green scarf still in her hair.

"Oh thank God you're here. I was on my way here and then I remembered you had Al-Anon tonight, and I didn't know when you'd be at home. But I was already on the train and it was too late to turn back, so I thought I'd have to wait for you outside your building. But thankfully, when I arrived in front of it, someone was leaving it, so I thought 'Oh, well if he's not here yet, at least I won't have to wait outside in the cold' but thankfully you are here so..." She paused to take a deep breath. "And you elevator doesn't work, by the way."

Carmy just blinked at her with confusion, trying to process everything she had just said. This was probably the most words she had said to him all week.

"Um, yeah, it's been broken for a few days. Do you wanna come in?"

"What? Oh, um yes," she replied, looking a bit agitated.

She entered the apartment but stopped in the middle of the living room.

"Okay, no, you know what? Maybe I shouldn't have come here. What was I thinking? It's late, and you're probably exhausted. We'll see each other tomorrow anyway. Um, yeah, sorry, I’m just gonna go."

She started moving toward the front door.

"Hey, hey. Wait!" Carmy said, gently grabbing her arm to get her to stop and look at him. "You okay? "

She screwed her eyes shut. "Yeah, um, sorry. There's a lot going on in my mind lately, and I- I know I've been acting weird this past week, and...  I just-" she interrupted herself in frustration.

"Syd, you know you can tell me anything right?"

Her eyes opened, finally meeting his. She looked into his eyes for a moment, as if she was searching for something. Suddenly, her anxious look was replaced by a look of determination

"Okay, fuck it," she said with assurance. "Can I kiss you?"

Oh.

Carmy was prepared for her to say anything, except that. And his surprise must have been evident on his face because, before he could find his words, Sydney immediately panicked.

"Oh, fuck, did I misread the situation? Fuck, forget I said anything, I'll just-" she started to move away.

"Yes," he interrupted, maybe a little too loudly, before she could try to take anything back.

Sydney stopped in her tracks. "What?"

"Yes, you can, um, you can kiss me." Carmy managed to reply, feeling his face growing hot.

"You sure? It's okay if you don't-"

"No, no. Trust me, I, um, I really much want this." It really took him all his willpower to not sound too desperate and not confess how he'd dreamed about this for months.

"Yeah?" she asked softly, taking a step closer to him, her eyes reflecting a mix of nervousness and excitement.

"Yeah," he replied, mirroring her movement.

"Okay, alright," she said, taking a final step to stand just in front of him. "Okay, well, I'm- I'm gonna kiss you now."

"I don't think kissing required that much talking, Sydney," he joked, mostly to help calm her nerves, but also his own.

She laughed as she softly cupped his cheek with her hand still cold from the outside, the sensation sending a shiver down his spine. "Shut up."

His heart raced as she leaned in, their lips meeting in a gentle, tentative kiss, sending a surge of electricity coursing through him. Time seemed to stand still as he melted into the kiss, trying to remember every moment of it.

It was a tender kiss, filled with the promise of something more. But just as quickly as it began, Sydney pulled away, resting her forehead against his.

After a few seconds, she pulled away to finally meet his eyes. Carmy studied her features. She had never looked as beautiful as this moment. Her eyes seemed to sparkle with excitement as a shy smile graced her lips. 

Carmy hadn't kissed many people in his life, but he knew enough to recognize that this kiss was special, different. Never had a kiss as simple as this one left him so breathless and yearning for more. It was just a small kiss, but big enough to make him fall even more in love with her.

As her warm brown eyes bored into his cool blue ones, they engaged in an unspoken conversation, the kind they often had in the kitchen. She seemed to understand his silent question, responding with a small nod as her gaze shifted from his eyes to his lips.

And then, almost as if they were of one mind, they leaned in at the same time, closing the distance once again. This time, their kiss was different, more urgent, more passionate. It was as if they were both starved for each other.

Carmy had visited the best restaurants of the world, and tasted food made by renowned chefs of many countries, and yet, Sydney was the best thing he had ever tasted.

Her hands were everywhere. On his shoulders, his arms, his face, his hair. It was like she was trying to touch him everywhere she could. In response, he wrapped his hands around her middle, trying to erase any existing distance between them, molding her body against his. 

He felt like his entire body was on fire. He wanted to taste every inch of her, to map her body with his hands, to hear her moan his name. So, he bent down to lift her, wrapping her legs around him before carrying her in his bedroom with the intention of doing all of that.

Carmy has been awake for maybe an hour and he still hasn't moved. Part of him is afraid that he's still dreaming, and any movement will probably wake him up to realize he imagined the whole thing. The other part of him knows it isn’t a dream, but is also too afraid that a single movement from his part will wake up Sydney and that she'll decide to leave.

So, he is perfectly fine being completely still, lying on his side, watching her sleep peacefully.

Sydney is sleeping on her stomach, head turned away from him, her braids spilling around her. His gaze lingers on her, taking in the peaceful rise and fall of her back with each breath. The room is so calm, the only thing he can hear is the soft sound of her breathing and sometimes the distant rumble of the L Train coming from outside.

The sheets only cover her lower body, leaving her back exposed to his gaze. Despite knowing her for more than a year, and spending almost every moment of his day with her these past months, Carmy is still surprised to make new discoveries about Sydney. Like the fact that she has tattoos for example.

While his own tattoos are all essentially on his arms, hers seemed to be only on her back, hidden from everyone.

Well, almost everyone. Carmy feels like she finally trusted him enough to show him a part of herself she doesn't want to show to anyone else.

Carmy takes the opportunity to study them. He counts five tattoos so far. But the one that particularly catches his eyes is the design of an old minivan with the word 'MOM' written on the license plate. Sydney hasn’t shared much about her mother, but he recalls her saying something about her being the daughter of a car repairman.

His hands itch to caress those tattoos. He wants to know everything about them: their meaning, when she got them, which one was her favorite...

"I can feel you staring at me, you creep." The sound of her voice startles him. 

"Fuck. Shit, um, sorry." He can feel the heat starting to creep up in his cheeks.

Sydney laughs, the sound making his insides melt, before she turns around on her back, keeping the sheets secure around her body.

"Hi," she says, meeting his eyes with a timid smile.

"Hi." He probably has the dumbest and biggest smile on his face, but at this point he doesn't care.

Sydney switches her position to lay on her side facing him, mirroring his own position.

"So..." she starts, "that was something."

He laughs. "That was something."

She looks breathtakingly beautiful under the morning sunlight, the golden rays making her skin glow and enhancing the color of her brown eyes. Carmy could spend the rest of the day starring at her - it's not like it's not something he already does at work anyway - but he knows they need to talk first.

"So, um, I know we didn’t really have the time to talk yesterday and, um, I-I don't really know where your stand, but I- I hope this wasn't a- a one-time thing". God, he's almost 33 years old and he's still stuttering like an idiot because of a woman. Well, not just any woman. Because of Sydney Adamu.

"Me, too," she responds softly, a hint of shyness in her voice.

A sense of relief washes over Carmy, as if a knot has loosened in his chest.

"Good," he smiles. God, if he continues to smile this much, his cheeks are going to hurt by the end of the morning.

But he remembers he is a man on a mission, and there are still answers he needs from her.

He clears his throat. "Okay, um, I have another question, and this time you can tell me to fuck off."

"I doubt I'm gonna tell you to fuck off, Carm," she replies with certainty.

"Okay, so, um, was I imagining it, or were you avoiding me these past few days? 'Cause if I did something-"

"No, no, no you didn't do anything," she immediately interrupts him. "It was- Ugh this is so stupid."

"It's not stupid if it was bothering you."

Sydney nervously chews on her lips, looking hesitant to give him the real reason.

"C'mon Syd, you can tell me anything," Carmy encourages gently.

She turns on her back and slaps a hand over his eyes to cover them. "Hold on, I can't look at you while I say it, it's too embarrassing."

Carmy laughs, removing her hand from his eyes and bringing it to his lips to plant a tender kiss on it. Her hand feels so soft, yet he can still feel the faint traces of cuts and burns caused by their line of work.

"Syd, if you really don't wanna tell me, it's okay," he assures her.

"No, no, I need to," Sydney insists. She turns her head to look at their intertwined hands before meeting his eyes again. "Ugh, you really should get some brown contact, you're too distracting." She exhales, turning her head again to look at the ceiling. "Okay, so, basically, last week Richie comes to me, and starts talking about this book he's reading-"

"Richie reads books? Wow, that's a surprise," Carmy interjects with a teasing grin.

Sydney laughs. "Shut up, I'm trying to be serious here. So, as I was saying, he was reading a book that had a chapter on love languages, and he wanted me to read it because, um, according to him, it would help me realize that, um, that you had, um, feelings for me."

 "Oh... I didn't realize Richie had noticed something." He's actually surprised Richie never told him anything about that. Maybe he's trying to not involve himself as much in his love life like he did when he was with Claire.

"Well, apparently we work with a mind reader. This man notices everything. He's like a six foot Yoda or something." Sydney remarks, a hint of amusement in her voice.

Carmy lets out a laugh, the image of Richie as a tall Yoda floating in his mind.

"Wait, so, what the fuck are love languages?" he asks with a frown, bringing the conversation back to the main topic.

Sydney chuckles. "It's so dumb. Basically some guy established that there are five different ways to express lo- uh, express affection to someone."

"Say more?" he murmurs, his thumb gently caressing her hand.

"You know, if you're interested, I can give you Richie's book," she jokes, a teasing smile playing on her lips.

"Nah, I'd rather hear it from you. Also, I don't think I have the time to read a book." 

She huffs a laugh. "That's true. Okay, so, the five languages are quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gift giving and," her eyes drift to their intertwined hands, "physical touch. And while reading that chapter, I, uh, I noticed you do all those things with me." 

"Oh, I do?" He asks with surprise as she nods in confirmation. So, maybe he hasn't been as subtle with his feelings as he thought he was. "So, the book actually helped?"

"I mean yeah, and I kinda freaked out because I had convinced myself you didn't like me that way."

He frowns. "What? Why?" 

"I mean several reasons, me being the completely opposite of Claire is one of them, but mainly because you didn't say anything"

Carmy gently tugs on her hand so she turns her body to face him again. He needs her to look at him for this conversation. 

"Okay, first, there's a reason why it didn't work out with Claire, and it's because we weren't right for each other. So, please don’t compare yourself to her, because she was not what I needed," he reassures her. "And secondly, I wanted to wait for the perfect time to say something. I planned on telling you everything after the Christmas dinner. I- I even thought of kissing you before we got interrupted by Fak. And then- then you freaked out and acted like you wanted to be as far away from me as possible, so I... I assumed it was just your way of turning me down."

"God", she groans, covering her face with her hand. "No, I was just so overwhelmed by your gift and what you said. I honestly was this close to jump you and commit both an HR and health code violation, but I wasn't sure if you were feeling the same. I didn't want to embarrass myself, so I basically ran away. Ugh, I'm so stupid."

Carmy laughs. "God, Sug was right. We are truly the dumbest people in this kitchen."

"Natalie knows?"

"Of course she does. She's my sister and it's practically impossible to hide something from her. Said something about me looking at you with heart eyes, and you doing the Zendaya laugh, whatever that means. According to her, it was painfully obvious."

Sydney widens her eyes and props herself up on one arm. "Okay, first of all, I do not do the Zendaya laugh.

"What is th-"

"And secondly," she continues, "dude, no, it was not that obvious. At least not to me."

"Well, to be fair, I literally asked you to open a restaurant with me after knowing you for like 6 months." 

"Yeah, but you didn't really say anything to me. I can't read you mind, dude."

"Sorry, you're right." He takes one of her hands in his. "Well, Chef Sydney Adamu, I like you. I really, really like you." Truthfully, he knows he's already head over heels in love with her, but maybe it's a bit too soon to drop the L bomb.

"Yeah?" she said, her voice so soft it was barely audible.

He nods. "Yeah. What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Well, we've already established I have feelings for you, but do you feel the same?"

"Of course I feel the same, you idiot. I thought it was so obvious I had a massive crush on you when we met."

"Oh, did you?" Carmy can't help but smirk at that revelation.

"Dude, I literally sounded like a fangirl. 'The most excellent CDC at the most excellent restaurant in the entire United State of America'," she says, repeating some of her first words to him in a mocking tone. "Truly embarrassing."

"Honestly, if it makes you feel better, I mostly remember being so starstruck by you that I literally forgot what UPS was," he admits. 

Her hand moves to lightly tap his cheek. "Aw, you're cute. But don't start gloating. My crush died down when you started acting like a piece of shit." 

Carmy winces. "Sorry, again, about that day."

Sydney shrugs before moving her hand to run her fingers through his hair, the movement so domestic and intimate it makes his stomach flutter.

"It's okay, it was a long time ago, and we've both changed."

"So, what made you change your mind about me?" Carmy asks.

She pauses the movement of her hands in his hair, taking a moment to think about her answer. "I guess I realized that you've kept your promise. You always give me your full focus and you are always there for me, even when I don't know I need you."

"Well, I intend to keep that promise. I don't want to let you down again," he replies as he meets her gaze, hoping she can see the sincerity in his eyes.

Her expression softens at his words. "What about you? When did you realize you liked me?"

"Um, it was, uh, during my first therapy session."

"Really? You talk about me in your therapy sessions?" She asks, looking flattered.

"Oh, yeah. My therapist is probably tired of hearing about you."

She laughs, her smile brightening up the room. But then her expression shifts into a frown.

"Hold on, didn’t you start seeing your therapist in May or something?"

"Yeah, why?"

Sydney gives him a gentle slap on the arm, her touch light yet playful. "That was like 8 months ago, dude! Why did you wait so long?!"

"First of all, ow," Carmy says with an exaggerated wince, rubbing his arm where she slapped him.

"Please, I’ve barely touched you," she rolls her eyes at him, clearly amused by his exaggeration. 

"And honestly, I didn’t think I was ready for a relationship yet," he admits. "I still had so many things I needed to work on in therapy. And I didn’t want you to have to deal with my trauma. I needed the time to be right, for you and for me."

"Oh, this actually makes a lot of sense." Sydney acknowledges. "But I’m glad you finally feel like you’re in a good place."

"Me, too," Carmy replies, a genuine smile spreading across his face as he lets his fingers slowly trace along her arm. He's grateful that he doesn't need an excuse to touch her now, savoring the intimacy of the moment.

Carmy honestly can’t believe they're finally there. After months of dreaming of this moment, it's even better than he expected. He can't help but feel a pang of regret, wondering if he should have acted sooner, if he should have been more honest with himself and with her from the start. But he also knows that every moment shared together led them here. They just had to be patient.

"So, now that we're finally on the same page, does that mean that we’re...?" Carmy trails off, waiting for her to finish his sentence.

"Friends with benefits, exactly," Sydney replies with a serious nod.

Oh.

So maybe they aren't on the same page after all. Carmy didn't expect her to say that. Maybe he shouldn't have immediately jump to the conclusion that they were dating. Sure, he's not an expert in dating and all the labels - it literally took him a while to call Claire his girlfriend - but he truly thought they were heading toward something more.

"Oh, um-" Carmy starts to respond, feeling a mix of confusion and disappointment.

Sydney bursts out laughing, the movement of her laughter causing the bed to shake beneath them. "Relax, I'm fucking with you, Carm."

"Fuck off, that's not funny," Carmy says, trying to look offended, but he can't help but laugh along with her.

"Sorry, sorry," Sydney apologizes between giggles. "Of course that means we're dating, you doofus. We literally just confessed we both have had feelings for each other for months."

"Still, that was mean," he replies, playfully exaggerating a pout.

"Yeah, but you still like me, soooo... " Sydney teases, poking him lightly in the side.

In response, Carmy wraps an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him.

"Unfortunately, I really, really do," he admits before closing the distance with a sweet, tender kiss.

Sydney kisses him back softly, before gently pulling back and adjusts herself in his arms, resting instinctively her head in the crook of his neck. The intimacy between them feels familiar, as if this is something they have done a thousand times before. She fits against him perfectly, like she is the missing puzzle he has been searching for his entire life. 

They stay in that embrace, holding each other close, savoring the intimacy of the moment. Carmy can feel her breath tickling his skin as his fingers trace soft patterns along her back. He feels like he could spend the rest of his life like that. Before today, he would never have described himself as a cuddler, but apparently Sydney brings other sides of himself he didn't know existed.

"By the way, what do we tell to the staff?" he asks, breaking the silence. 

"Hm, I don't mind them knowing, but I kinda don't want to tell them right away," she replies, not moving from her position, the sound of her voice vibrating through him as he holds her close. "We can just avoid PDA in the restaurant, and if anyone suspects something, we just confirm it." 

"Alright, that sounds like a good plan."

"Ugh, I'm not looking forward to hearing Richie gloat." Sydney groans against his skin, her breath tickling his neck, before lifting her head to meet his eyes. "Carm, we can never let him know he's partially responsible for this. I'm serious." 

"Heard," he says with a soft chuckle. But if he's being honest, he will not care if Richie gloats. After all, he's definitely responsible for bringing them together, so Carmy probably owes him a kidney or something.

"Oh, wait," Sydney’s voice interrupts his thoughts. “I forgot I brought something for you."

"You did? What is it?"

"Hold on, stay here," she says, sitting up and clutching the sheets around her chest, before turning toward him. "Um... can you close your eyes for a minute?"

"Why?"

"Because I need to get up and I'm very much naked under these sheets."

"It's not like it's something I haven't seen before," he smirks, lifting his hand to caress her naked back.

She hits him with a pillow. "Well, I'm shy and the thing that I brought is a surprise. So close your eyes if you want to keep seeing me naked in the future."

"Ugh, fine," Carmy obliges, placing the pillow over his face. He hears some shuffling, then the sound of her feet walking around his room. He waits for a few seconds before hearing her coming back and feeling the mattress dip as she jumps back on the bed.

"Alright, you can open your eyes now," she announces.

Removing the pillow from his head, Carmy finds Sydney sitting cross-legged next to him, holding something wrapped in gift paper. To his dismay, she also took the opportunity to dress herself. But she had only put on one of his sweaters, so he couldn't really be mad at her.

He sits back up against the headboard, his hand instinctively reaching out to stroke the side of her waist. "You didn't need to put on some clothes, you know?" He remarks with a playful grin.

"Okay, perv," she swats his hand away. "We didn't shut the drapes in the living room and I didn't want to flash your neighbors." 

He laughed. "Yeah, we wouldn’t want that."

"Okay, so, here you go" she says, handing him the gift with a nervous smile. "It's, uh, it's actually your Christmas gift, but between Christmas, New Year, and me freaking out like an idiot for the past few days, I never found the right time to give it to you."

"And you thought last night at 11pm was the right time?" Carmy teases.

"Shut up, I didn't know what to do," Sydney admits. "I needed an excuse just in case I chickened out." 

"I'm glad you didn't," he says, taking her hand in his to give it a quick squeeze.

"Me, too," she smiles, before leaning in to give a peck on his lips. "Now open it."

He carefully peels off the tape securing the wrapping paper, revealing a white t-shirt adorned with a small bear delicately embroidered on the left chest.

Carmy finds himself immediately touched by the gift. He can't believe Sydney took the time in their busy days to create such a thoughtful and handmade gift. He lets his fingers run over the small embroidered design. The bear is wearing a chef's hat and holding a spoon in one of its paws. It's so adorable, and so unbelievably Sydney.

He hears Sydney clearing her throat. "So, um, I started embroidery again, and I thought this would be a cute idea for a gift. Now that I'm looking at it, it's a little dumb and the bear is a little wonky, and-"

Carmy lifts his head to meet her eyes. "No, no, it's perfect Syd. I love it." I love you, he almost spills.

Her face lights up at his response. "Really?"

"Yes, really," he smiles. "Thank you so much." Too overwhelmed to express how he's feeling in words, he leans in to kiss her, pouring all his love into the gesture.

What started as a gentle kiss quickly turns into something more passionate, their lips moving together in perfect harmony. Carmy's heart races as he loses himself in the moment, savoring every sensation, each touch sending shivers down his spine. Never in his life has he enjoyed kissing someone else like that. He could honestly spend the rest of his life kissing her. And if he died today, he’d be happy to have experience the best sensation in the world. 

As she pulls away to catch her breath, he takes the opportunity to trail kisses along her jawline before moving lower to suck on her neck. His hand slips under her - or his - sweater, caressing the soft skin of her breast, making Sydney moan.

"Not that I don't enjoy this, and trust me I really, really do," Sydney pants, "but don't we have to go to the farmers market this morning?"

Carmy reluctantly pulls away to look at the clock on his bedside table. "Well, it's not even 9.30, and the market usually stay open until 1pm, so..."

"Well, when you put it like that," she moves to straddle him with a playful grin. "I guess we have plenty of time."

January 16th

Turns out their first day off as a couple wasn’t too different from their usual days off. They have spent so much time together in the past few months, it feels like they have been dating for ages, just without kissing or having sex. But it has been pretty easy for them to include those two new activities to their new routine.

After their trip to the farmer's market, they headed straight to his apartment, eager to spend the afternoon wrapped in each other's arms. And thankfully, it didn't take him much effort to convince Sydney to stay over for another night.

It felt incredible to wake up this morning with her in his arms, to wash their teeth side by side, to go to work together. Every mundane activity of his daily routine felt more meaningful with Sydney by his side. Carmy couldn't wait to have many more mornings like this.

He would have loved to spend another day with her in his apartment, doing nothing but enjoy each other's company. Sadly, they still have a restaurant to run.

So, here they are, in The Bear's office, going over the restaurant's books while there are far more enticing activities that he wanted to do with her. He keeps finding himself distracted by Sydney, unable to tear his gaze away from her face, captivated by her subtle expressions as she remains focused on the numbers displayed on the screen.

"You know, I really think we should change our fruits vendors, he's clearly ripping us off. The guys we met at the farmer's market yesterday were cheaper and nicer."

Carmy doesn't answer, too busy being transfixed by the delicate shape of her nose, the gentle bow of her lips or the warmth of her brown eyes. If he had a pen and paper in his hands, he would have totally started sketching her, trying to capture every detail of her beauty.

"Carm, I can feel you staring," she says, not even moving her eyes from the screen.

"Sorry, you're distracting," he mutters, feeling his cheeks flush.

Sydney narrows her eyes at him. "Don't be cute, we've agreed to control ourselves in the restaurant."

"Hey, I didn't even do anything!"

"Yes, but I know that look," she says, pointing at his eyes.

"What look? That's just my eyes," he feigns innocence. Unable to resist, he starts trailing his fingers along her thigh. "Plus, there's no one around," he adds in a teasing tone.

Their conversation is interrupted by the sound of the back door opening, causing Carmy to reluctantly remove his hand.

"You were saying?" Sydney smirks.

Carmy clears his throat. "Anyway, I agree with you about the fruits vendor. I'll give them a call later today."

"Great! Thanks, Carm." She beams at him, making him realize he really could never say no to her.

He hears the sound of footsteps approaching the office before Richie appears at the doorway.

"Hey, lizards. What's our day looking like?"

"Hi Richie." Sydney looks at her notebook. "So, uh, we have to 86 the duck for today, there was an issue with the delivery. We'll replace it with the lamb. Oh, and we had a cancellation for tonight, so you'll have to call people on the waiting list." 

"Alright, thanks Chef."

Richie stays silent for a few second, his eyes move back and forth between Carmy and Sydney, before pointing at Carmy's shirt "Cute shirt, Cousin."

Because Carmy, being the lovesick man that he is, couldn't help but wear Sydney's gift today.

"Oh, uh thanks." Carmy replies, before focusing back on the spreadsheets displayed on the computer screen.

"Alright, later guys," Richie adds, before leaving the office.

Sydney waits a few seconds, before leaning in close to Carmy and whispers, "Oh, my God, he knows!" 

"What?" Carmy replies in an equally low voice, glancing toward the door to make sure Richie's not here. "No, come on, it’s not that obvious. We're literally just sitting in our office looking at the restaurant's numbers." 

"It’s completely obvious, Carm! You're literally wearing the gift that I got you," Sydney remarks, pointing at the small embroidered bear on his T-shirt.

"He can't have any idea you made that for me. Also, you're literally wearing one of my sweaters, so it’s on you." 

"Well, I didn't bring a change of clothes to your apartment so I had to wear something. Also, I told you you had a look on your face, it's-"

"Hey!" Richie's voice interrupts them, making both of them jump, before his face appears once more at the doorway. "By the way, I'm happy this is finally a thing," he says pointing at both of them with a grin, confirming their suspicions, "but please don't start making out in the office. This is a family establishment, capiche?"

"Heard," they both mutter in unison, exchanging a quick glance.

"You’re welcome by the way," he winks at them before leaving again.

Carmy and Sydney just stare speechless at the doorway where Richie stood seconds ago. Their eyes meet again before they both start laughing at the same time.

"Wait, how did he..." Carmy begins, impressed by his friend's observation skills.

Still laughing, Sydney replies. "Told you. A 6 foot Yoda."