Chapter Text
Hyunjin felt empty inside,
he could feel the black hole in his chest, it was a wide hole and it was sucking all life out of him, and he didn't really mind..
The feeling of despair seeps through him and covers him like it's a second skin.
His heart was beating and each beat echoed relentlessly in his ears. He had tried on numerous occasions to muffle the sound with his hands, in a ridiculous attempt to make everything quiet and yet he could still hear it, so he gave up trying and let the sound swallow him up in its mysterious darkness.
He's in his dorm, and it's empty.
It had been empty since what happened.
No one had dared to enter. The mere thought of entering the dorm, and Chan not being there, made the thought unbearable, as if a bullet had been fired into their chests.
But anyway, Hyunjin is here, he vaguely remembered that he promised Chan to paint a painting, and he doesn't know why his feet frantically led him here.
He could feel the bile rising in his throat, the drops of sweat that slowly trickled down his spine, the way his heart was beating relentlessly, he wanted to go back to Felix's room (which he had shared with the broken-down Australian boy ever since...) and hide under the covers as he had done for months. He does not go out, but despite all the panic that is running through his mind relentlessly, he opens the door.
It's a strange feeling, He stands in front of the dorm and stares into it with haunted eyes.
He moves without realizing it and heads towards his room to get his palette and colors. He clumsily stumbles over all the things scattered on the floor in a chaotic manner (he remembers the mess they made that morning before they traveled to Jeju Island).
In the end, he decided to paint the picture here.
He does not know why. It seems that his mind is working in a way that he does not understand.
He picks up the brush and dips it carelessly into the colors before returning to the painting, drawing random lines on the white paper.
His hand moves automatically and he cannot stop it. The lines are slanted, random, and completely ugly. She covered the painting, but he still continued, spreading the colors obsessively, and his hand movements increased in intensity until the painting fell to the ground, making a loud sound.
Staring silently at the distorted painting on the wooden floor, a second passed...two seconds before he burst into raucous laughter.
His laugh seems completely rough and hysterical, and raises his hand, which is covered in colors before his eyes, and his laughter increases in intensity...
red... black... blue...
Hyunjin feels as if everything is a ridiculous joke, as if all of this is a prank, all of this is just a terrifying story.
But he knew better than that, he was the one who was there,
he was the one who held Chan's cold body and screamed endlessly, he was the one who was drowned from head to toe in Chan's blood,
he was the one who watched Chan's heart stop while the doctors tried to bring him back to life.
He was the one who begged and pleaded for them to save him, to return Chan to them.
Chan is no longer.
Hyunjin wants to scream and grab Chan by the collar, to shake him while telling him that he promised to never leave them, that he never breaks his promise..
So...
why,
why did he leave them like that? Why did he take that damned stab instead?
Chan shouldn't have sacrificed his life.
It shouldn't be..
It's supposed to be Hyunjin, it's supposed to be him.
Hyunjin will never forgive Chan.
He calmly straightened up and stared at his hand, wondering whether he should wash his hand or return to the other dorm quickly, but his wondering did not continue, his eyes fell on the door of Chan's room.
His heart skipped a beat
The door seems to be very far away, and at the same time very close to it, as if a monster is inviting him to enter,
and who is Hyunjin to refuse! Despite everything, the horror, fear, and pain he feels, he heads slowly towards Chan's room.
He felt like his mind was numb, and he couldn't breathe.
Tears suddenly burn in his eyes as he grabs the doorknob and the bitter cold travels beneath his skin. He takes a deep, shaky breath, as if he is about to confront some monster.
He wants to turn back, turn around and run away, but he does not do so.
He takes a shaky step into the room, then another step and he's inside.
The moment he closed the door behind him, the tears that had been burning behind his eyelids were released.
He could not advance any further, so he leaned his back against the door and slid until he sat on the floor.
He stares at the room, empty and quiet, His heart clenched painfully inside his chest and he stifled his sobs as he stared at the pictures hanging on the wall (the different pictures that Chan had taken or one of the members had taken,)
His eyes darted around the room and his painful crying became louder.
He was sobbing raw and unable to breathe well, His tears fell chaotically and he whispered in a completely rough and broken voice: “I am so sorry.” His voice faltered and came out in incomprehensible letters but he did not stop, repeating the words and his eyes darting around endlessly.
He stopped at the feet of the room, Chan's black hoodie on the unmade bed, his laptop on the small table next to the closed window, the stars and planets that Hyunjin had drawn on the ceiling when Chan's insomnia increased. “It-it should-be me,” his sobs became louder, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
He can smell Chan's perfume, his scent, he can see his smile, he can hear his cheerful voice,
Hyunjin knows he's imagining, that this isn't real, But when Chan (imaginary) sits next to him on the cold floor and leans over to rest his head on Hyunjin's trembling shoulder, interlacing his fingers with Hyunjin's fingers, he doesn't speak.
Only his crying became louder as Chan whispered with a broken smile, “Everything will be okay, Jin, it will be okay.”
Hyunjin knew that this was a big lie..
------------------ -----
It was the ringing of the phone in his ears that woke up Hyunjin first.
He blinked as he struggled to stand without staggering.
His limbs felt like a heavy weight. He slowly took his phone out of his pocket, staring at the bright name on his phone screen (Minho Hyung), Before answering him as he headed outside.
“Hyunjin where are you?!” Minho's panicked voice came to him and the sound of a commotion next to him.
“I was in the other dorm, I'm coming back now.” His voice was rough and emotionless.
Minho was silent and hesitated for a moment before saying, “Are you okay?”
“I'm fine”
“Can you not hang up the phone, stay with me?” Minho asks, his voice sounding desperate.
Hyunjin shrugs as he walks down the street, “Okay...”
No one speaks after that, he can hear the sound of pots being stirred and Seungmin’s soft whisper and guesses they are in the kitchen.
Hyunjin's world doesn't revolve.
it's moves forward and does not stop without taking into account anything.
The seasons change, the leaves fall, it becomes summer and they ditch the heavy clothes. The sun rises during the day and sets at night, the birds sing, the life is going on...
and Chan is not here
The trip did not last for another five minutes, and Hyunjin entered the house slowly while taking off his shoes and heading with calm steps to the living room.
Felix is sitting on the sofa, his face very pale and staring at the closed envelope in front of him.
He turns and looks at Minho and Seungmin who are working in the kitchen and making a faint noise.
"Where's innie?" Hyunjin says, as he hangs up his phone.
His voice was still emotionless but no one seemed surprised by how deadpan he was.
Seungmin is the one who answers, “He’s on the balcony.”
Hyunjin nods and leaves his hat on the table as he heads towards the balcony where the younger is sitting. Jeongin sat on the chair, pulling his legs close to his body and wearing a black hooded jacket (Chan's jacket), his eyes unfocused. Jeongin had difficulty concentrating ever since that day, and would often wander off while doing something.
Hyunjin felt his heart clench as he stared at the dear maknae for a few seconds before dragging his feet and sitting next to him.
He leaned down and rested his head on Jeongin's shoulder. He felt Jeongin's head resting on top of his without speaking.
Han entered the house in a huff, he was very angry and threw his hat and face mask and rubbed his face while throwing his body on the sofa. Changbin entered the house after him, and although he was also angry, he clearly controlled his anger better than Han, who kicked the air with his feet while shouting angrily,
“How dare he??!.. How dare he?”
Minho quickly dried his hand with a towel before turning to the angrily screaming boy who the others had gathered around him.
“What happened?!”
Changbin is the one who answers him after he lost hope that Han will answer him and who curses and curses someone with the worst words. “They asked about Chan.”
Minho blinked at Changbin several times before anger flared in his eyes. “The contract stipulated not to mention anything,”
he finished his sentence as he took out his phone to call the manager, but Changbin cut him off as he sat on the sofa. “The manager already intervened, but the problem is that it was a Live broadcast .”
“Fucking, bastard, son of a bitch.” Felix runs his hand down Jisung’s back in soothing circles as he looks at Minho.
"What did they ask?"
Anger flashes inside Changbin’s eyes. “About how we are after what happened and how we can live without him.”
Minho swears in a low voice before bending down in front of Han and grabbing him by the shoulders while looking into his eyes. “It’s okay...”
" They don't have the right, they don't have the right to interfere in our lives, they don't have the right to ask... Chan-" he swallows and feels the burning pain from just mentioning the name alone. "Chan is not a story they mention in their news to raise views! "
Minho hugged him while patting his hair and whispering sadly, “I know, my dear , I know.”
Han sniffled and sobbed loudly, “This isn’t fair, why?”
No one answered. Minho kept trying to calm Han down. He turned and looked at Changbin, trying to ask him how he was, but Changbin... Skillfully avoiding his gaze, Felix holds onto Ian's body and Seungmin sits next to him while digging his nails into the palm of his hand.
And Hyunjin, he's standing there staring at them blankly and guiltily and Minho's heart drops hard.
Each of them took the hit differently.
The cute little maknae I.n always seemed to be out of sorts and nearly had a heart attack every time he accidentally hurt himself. Seungmin, the second youngest who had become completely quiet, did his chores and tasks completely mechanically and avoided talking about what,
Han, who has become a time bomb of anger, explodes over the smallest things before collapsing into a bout of depression and bitter crying afterward.
Felix, whose face has become pale and his eyes are swollen, who clings to everyone in a terrifying way and does not allow them to leave except after a long plea
Changbin, who threw out all his feelings and any Something happens to him inside the songs he writes, and he doesn't talk to anyone and isolates himself from them all.
And Hyunjin..
Minho still remembers the boy covered in blood while clinging to the doctors’ clothes and screaming hysterically for them to save Chan..
Hyunjin, who is completely disconnected from his feelings and his voice always seems frozen, refuses to eat, refuses to engage in conversations with them, he is drowning in guilt and no one can help him.
Minho wonders what Chan would do if he were in his place. He's sure Chan would do a good job. He'll be able to pull Jeongin out of the daze he's in.
He'll be able to get Seungmin and Changbin to talk to him about their feelings.
Chan will be able to calm Han down and contain his tantrums.
He'll calm Felix's panic and separation anxiety, he will be able to convince Hyunjin that he is not at fault.
Minho wishes he was the one who went out that night, if he was the one who was stabbed, every time he does the leader's act or any of Chan's actions he chokes with pain.
The thought that he is replacing Chan, taking his place, suffocates him.
Minho wants to stab himself, but he can't, Chan won't forgive him if he does that, if he indulges in his sadness and pain and abandons his organs, so his arms tighten around Jisung, who clings to his shirt and cries softly, whispering a broken promise,
"Everything will be okay."
At the sound of a knock on the door, everyone seemed to be expecting a visitor because Changbin rolled his eyes and whispered, “Stupid bastard,” under his breath and headed toward the door to open it.
"I brought soju!" Kang Dae cheerfully exclaimed from the door before frowning and staring at everyone. “Oh, There seems to be something going on ”
Minho smiled tiredly as he gestured for Kang Dae to come in (as if the officer was waiting for his invitation and who quickly headed towards the kitchen) “There was some... things .”
Kang Dae nods his head as he takes out the containers of soju he brought and places the food on the table when he realizes the mood and turns to them sternly and points to the table,
“It’s time to eat.”
“It’s not your house,” Changbin says rudely as he slides into his chair and Kang Dae ignores him with a provocative smile.
They sat in relative silence and calm.
Felix pulled Jeongin and sat him next to him while he placed the food on his plate and placed it in front of him.
“Eat.”
Jeongin blinked before he grabbed his spoon and slowly raised it to his mouth.
"Are you done?"
Minho says as he stares at Hyunjin, who straightens up.
“I’m not hungry.”
Minho sighs as he stares at Hyunjin’s untouched plate. “You know Chan won’t like this.”
Hyunjin froze and turned to Minho before whispering with a snort. “Why? He’s not here!”
Hyunjin ignored the way everyone flinched painfully. “He doesn’t know what I’m doing, so why should I care?”
“If Chan saw you like this, he would be very sad.”
Hyunjin hissed, his voice filled with venom. “He should have thought about this before he took that damned stab instead of me.”
“You know that even if Chan had thought, he would have made the same decision, right?”
Kang Dae says calmly.
“Don't interfere, why are you here in the first place!”
Kang Dae shrugged his shoulder indifferently, “I’m here because Chan will never forgive me. If something happens to you, I promised him and I won’t break my promise.”
Hyunjin is silent and his eyes are filled with burning anger while Minho gestures to him in a firm voice,
“Sit down.”
He sits back in his chair with a fuss as he scatters He combed his hair and made sure to give everyone a dirty look.
“You know this isn't your fault right?!”
Hyunjin let out a sarcastic laugh as he pointed randomly in the space (frankly, he was tired of these words and these lectures): “Yes, yes, it is not the damned fault that I froze or that Chan Hyung took the stab instead of me!”
And this time he straightens up loudly and walks away without heeding the others’ calls، heading towards the bathroom.
curse on life.
---------------------
Minho stood next to Kang Dae in front of the door of their residence to bid him farewell while staring absently in front of him.
He has gotten close to Kang Dae in the past months, he is a calm companion for him and the other members and has always been there through all the difficult times.
“You're allowed to cry, Minho.”
“No.., not now.” Minho denied, even though he knew it by the way his lips trembled and the tears burned his eyes.
“You miss him too.” Kang Dae stared at Minho, his eyes red-rimmed, “I miss him too, and I cry a lot too..” He stared absently in front of him, “He was a great friend and a great role model for me.. He was the only one who trusted my choices and never questioned them, even though Everything was there, and I really miss him...”
He turned to look at Minho. “And I’m sure you miss him many times more than I do.”
Two tears fell down Minho’s cheek. “I can’t break down now, they need me.”
“I know they need you, But you also need to listen to your feelings, you are human too Minho.”
Minho's lips tremble "I miss him, I miss him so much"
"Me too"
-------------------
He sent a message to Minho that he would get some air and come back, and even though he knew... The way they would scare him, but he found himself not caring.
He wanted to get out, to walk without any guidance.
Hyunjin doesn't know what to do, how to live.
The idea alone is terrifying. A world without Chan
without his leader, without his brother, without his friend.
Although there is hope (even if it is small), he does not allow him to think about it, He does not want false hope.
Hyunjin wonders what it would have been like if he were Chan, if Chan hadn't done such a stupid thing and sacrificed himself in his place.
Not even Hyunjin knows why?!
He is not that important, unlike Chan, and the lives of many will not be destroyed by his departure, so why...
why, why did Chan take this decision?!
Hyunjin ignored the incessant ringing of the phone as he leaned against the wall of the Han River in front of him and stared absently at the water below him.
Why is he still alive? Wouldn't it be much better for him to go away? To disappear silently.
then
Hyunjin remembers how the members are and feels guilty and hurt.
He sighed for the millionth time as he pulled out his phone, staring at Minho's number and answering calmly,
"What?"
"He's awake!"
He faltered momentarily, widening his eyes in disbelief, his heart clenching, he took quickened breaths and allowed hope to blossom within his chest.
“Who?”
comes Minho’s crying voice,
“Chan-, he’s awake!”