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Some days, Ritsu wakes up and knows the day ahead of him will treat him nicely. He looks over to his roommate and finds him gone, probably on his way to the sewing room where he spends most of his free time. He gets a nice breakfast with his unitmates and listens to Arashi enthuse over the newest beauty product. Some days, he has the energy to tease her for the small blush on her cheeks. Some days are good days.
Today is not such a day.
When he opens his heavy eyes after just a few hours of sleep – which is a bad sign in and of itself –, he locates a strumming pain in his right elbow. Barely able to lift his arm, he sits up to clutch his stomach, only to fall back into bed. Turning his head hurts. Seeing Mika’s crumpled, empty bed raises bitter frustration in his chest. Were Mika here, he would at least be able to notify someone of his absence in class. Now, he has to do it himself. His phone sits far away, so far away on his nightstand.
The bright display momentarily blinds him.
A knock disturbs his search for the contact he has saved and never called before. In his blur, he does not recognise the figure entering his room. Mika? No, too calm. His roommate would freak out more. Whoever it is, they seem to ask him something, but the words do not reach him.
His head thumps when his phone slips from his fingers and falls onto the mattress. Ritsu wheezes. The person entering his field of vision kneels in front of his bed.
“Anija,” he calls weakly before the dark drowsiness claims him again.
In his dreams, he is standing on stage. Bright lights blind him, transforming the audience into a mass of faceless, cheering fans. Ritsu is familiar with this, recognises the thrill of excitement that fuels his ambition to be an idol. He turns to look at his unit mates who must stand right beside him, at Leo singing, at Izumi and Arashi dancing, at Tsukasa persevering in the middle like the true, just leader he is.
There is no one by his side.
Ritsu realises he is alone. Only darkness surrounds him.
The stage changes, dizzyingly fast, into rows and rows of steel. A bridge, he recognises, and hot sweat runs down his body. There is so much space below him that he can hardly make out the ground, dark depths of water swirling, almost as if inviting him to join them. The audience now stands behind him, still cheering and laughing, hands raised into the air.
Go on.
His grip on security wavers, the cold steel forcing itself into his aching back, his arms, his calves, pushing him towards the edge. He finally understands their choir.
Jump.
He swallows.
Jump.
His feet slip. The shock of falling into the abyss below him shakes him awake with enough force to punch the air from his lungs.
Ritsu snaps his eyes open to his head pressed against a warm chest and arms around him, clad in the soft fabric of a familiar-seeming sweater. Panic crawls under his skin. Let go, he thinks and trashes against the firm hold as much as his limbs allow, let go, let go, let me go. He opens his mouth, but no noise will escape his throat.
The grasp does not relent.
“Shh, Ritsu,” the figure lying next to him hushes him. “I’m here.”
Ritsu finally identifies the person as his brother. His brother, who is simultaneously the first and last person he wants to see right now.
Rei smells the same as always, he surpasses Ritsu with no chance of him ever catching up, he knows how he feels, knows where he has come from, he has no idea how he feels, he abandoned him, he is lying right by his side – Ritsu’s heart turns and turns.
Rei lets go of him slightly and brushes black hair out of his sweaty face. In his eyes, Ritsu reads worry and understanding and hurt all the same. Maybe his brother does know how he feels, how heavy his heart beats.
His eyes fill with tears, and he does not find it in himself to fight against them spilling. They wet the red sweater now pressed into his face again. He remembers seeing the sweater on Rinne's body one day and on Rei the next. He breathes softly and buries his nose into the fabric.
“I brought some food,” Rei whispers, “you should eat something later.”
Ritsu does not answer. This whole situation alone makes his stomach churn already, the mere thought of eating disgusts him.
For a long while, Rei holds him close without saying a word. His tranquil breathing calms Ritsu down, and he is reminded of the countless times they slept in the same bed as children because of nightmares or ailments or just to not be so alone in their cold childhood home. Rei used to sing him lullabies, long before they knew they wanted to become idols, and, in a childish fit, Ritsu wishes Rei would sing. The silence comforts his ears but torments his mind. How, exactly, is he supposed to act now?
Is Rei going to tease him? Is he going to tell everyone just how weak his little brother is compared to him? Ritsu’s brows involuntarily furrow at the thought.
When his head has cleared up a little, Ritsu pulls back from the embrace and crosses his arms. Only now does he notice just how cramped Rei is lying in his bed – his legs dangle over the edge, granting Ritsu the space he needs.
Rei, for once, understands Ritsu’s upset expression and sits upright. His snot-smeared sweater wrinkles when he twists his body to look at his brother still breathing heavily. Wordlessly, he points towards Ritsu’s bedside table, on which he has placed a bag full of snacks, a bottle of water and a pack of painkillers.
Ritsu nods reluctantly.
Rei exhales slowly, obviously hesitating, then reaches out to pull the wine-red blanket over Ritsu’s body. With silly precision, he starts stuffing the edges of the blanket under his body, wrapping Ritsu in silk like a package.
How long has it been since he had last done that? Ritsu does not know. He does not miss it, he tells himself.
“Sleep some more,” Rei says. The door clicks shut behind him.
Alone once more, Ritsu analyses how his body feels. The dull ache in his limbs lingers, but his mind feels lighter. The invisible needles stabbing into his elbow have vanished. Unfortunately, it seems his brother’s presence is still as comforting as ever, despite… everything. Somewhere deep, deep inside him, Ritsu knows that Rei will not tease him for asking for his help.
Some days are good, some are worse. Some only get better when you know who will hear your call.