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There are good days, and there are bad days.
On good days, the way from his bed to his closet is short. His clothes hug his skin softly, his boots are - albeit heavy - comfortably so. On good days, he checks the expiration date of his tomato juice before he drinks it. He makes himself avocado toast with tomato slices on top. On good days, meetings with UNDEAD are easy-going, their precious shared moments over before he could even check the time. There are many good days.
And there are bad days. On bad days, waking up takes forever. His hands meet his bed frame, then the wall. He drags his feet towards the bathroom and back, his head drowsy, his legs buckling. On bad days, he does not think of checking the freshness of his food, hell, he does not eat at all. On bad days, dressing himself punches the air from his lungs. There are so many bad days.
Today is such a day. Bold rays of golden sunshine awake him - someone had not closed the curtains last night. His head is spinning just laying down like this and his limbs feel numb. He needs several attempts to even lift a finger, and he breathes in relief as he scrolls through his phone to check his schedule. It is fairly empty today, a short meeting with a few of Cosmic Production's idols as well as a phone call with the Producer - they wanted to discuss a few ideas for an upcoming outfit series and he had already rescheduled twice. No, the course of today's events would not be dictated by how his morning started.
He sways as he stands in front of his closet. He seems awfully pale - even worse than usual - and the cold lights blinding him from above do not help his complexion.
Aira looks up from his game, lowering his hands, and eyes him worriedly, but he says nothing. Rei internally thanks him for that. A black sweater and a navy coat will have to suffice, he opts for no accessories. Rings would weigh down on his hands too much, his throat is crushed by the light pressure of his sweater's collar already.
With a sigh, he closes the door to their room and begins his hellish way to the offices.
Luck is not on his side today. Even though it is a Saturday morning and most of the idols in ES are allowed to sleep in, many familiar faces greet him as he puts one foot before the other. He nods at Keito and Souma passing him by, absorbed in quiet conversation, and he musters up a half-assed smile for Subaru and Daikichi on their way to the park. He is not evil, after all, at least he is trying not to be. He is fine. He is just tired.
He arrives at the conference room two minutes late and clicks his tongue at his inability to be on time. The door is closed, and someone is standing in front of it. His headband slips slightly askew as he tilts his head upon hearing footsteps. It is his boyfriend.
Rinne's voice is grating in his ears as he greets him with a laugh, his eyes twinkling with schadenfreude. "Rei-chan! Didn't expect ya of all people to be late!"
He presses his lips to his cheek.
They enter the room together. Hinata and Yuuta sit on a windowsill playing Pat-A-Cake, evidently intriguing an interested Kohaku, the window behind them is opened dangerously wide. Outside, a few birds sing their songs. HiMERU watches as Nagisa and Ibara discuss a few outfit designs. Probably for Eve's next song, from what Rei could see. Niki has his head propped up in his left hand, with his right, he scrolls on his phone.
If Rinne notices the way his feet shuffle on his way to his seat, he does not acknowledge it. None of them do. He meets Yuuta's lingering gaze with a forced smile and shakes his head lightly so as not to worry him. He is fine. He is just tired.
They exchange pleasantries, then the meeting starts.
Ibara explains the circumstances of their assembly - a shared Live of UNDEAD and Crazy:B taking place overseas - but Rei had always thought of his voice as rather calming, and he finds himself zoning out more often than not. It is so incredibly impolite to ignore important conversations like these but he cannot help himself.
He catches his twins listening closely and, for a split second, questions their attendance. This has nothing to do with them, why are they here? He supposes Nagisa had trailed behind Ibara like he often does on weekends, spending time with his unit whenever he could, but he imagined the twins have better things to do in their free time.
“Sakuma-shi?”
Eight sets of eyes settle on him. He jerks his head as if he could shake away the white dizziness behind his temples, and clears his throat. “I am terribly sorry, Saegusa-kun. What did you say?”
Ibara asks him to please introduce his ideas to their circle.
What little blood runs through his veins starts boiling in panic. The carefully crafted notes lay in his dorm, on his desk; he knows it well because he put them there yesterday evening before going to bed. He had not wanted to forget them - and yet he had, had forgotten the most important part of today’s meeting.
Perhaps he could improvise, he should still remember most of it, he had written them down yesterday night, not even 24 hours had passed since then, he can do this, he just has to think very carefully and-
His mind is blank.
His throat closes and he sputters. With shaky hands, he grabs his collar and pulls it down in an attempt to ease his breathing. It does not help. He swallows drily, once, twice, a third time just in case, and stubbornly stems his body out of his chair. Later on, he would not remember how he had walked up to the beamer, nor that he had presented anything useful.
On his way back, his legs give out. The only indication of his fall is the sharp pain in his right knee; if not for midnight blue and chartreuse green bruises forming on his skin, he would not have known.
The world around him chants his name.
"There, there," an unusually serious voice cuts through the haze. "Let's get ya out of 'ere." Rinne grabs his arm and lifts it over his shoulder. A big hand rests on his back, supporting him. Rei reluctantly leans into his shoulder. How humiliating, to look like this in front of not only his children but also half of CosPro. The looks on him are burning into his mind, branding his chest with embarrassment. Pity shows in their eyes. He coughs.
Rinne spares him of any more disgrace.
“I’ll bring this dude back home, y’all discuss the rest.” He starts walking towards the door and holds it open for the two to pass through. Without looking back, he waves his hand.
The air is less stuffy once outside in the hallway. Rei breathes through his nose.
Rinne guides him to a turned-off radiator in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows and sets him down gently. He claims his place next to him; the radiator complains, croaking under their weight. His hand leaves his back but stays behind him. Just in case.
Rei nods clumsily in response to the unasked question in Rinne’s expression and turns his eyes away. He hates this.
Hates that the easiest tasks take forever to accomplish. Hates the migraines after Lives, hates that they knock him out for days. Hates that one day, he laughs heartily, and the next day even frowning hurts.
He hates that his family takes pride in their ailment. Hates that they do not seem to care about the pain Ritsu and himself endure in order to fulfil their dreams. He hates the memory of his baby brother’s hurt demeanour when he told him they would not be able to become idols like they always dreamed. He hates how overjoyed he was when they finally got accepted into Yumenosaki.
He hates that when he is feeling well, everyone seems to think he could faint the next second, but when he feels unwell, nobody seems to take his aches seriously. He hates-
Rinne interrupts his seething by poking a cold candy wrapper into his flushed cheek. The plastic is an ugly emerald. Rei hopes it is not green apple flavoured.
It is strawberry. Smiling hurts a bit less.
They continue their way to their dorm in relative silence, halting here and there. Rinne hands him a different type of candy every time they sit down and shuts him up when he argues he could do it alone.
He knows deep down he is right to accept help.
In the elevator that rides up to their dorms, his head starts spinning again, worse than before.
The world blurs before his eyes, in his daze, he stumbles forwards until his hand hits the ice-cold mirror. His short gasps for air leave damp marks on the surface. He shivers at the sudden drop in his temperature and furrows his brows to refocus his eyes - it does not help.
Rinne is on him immediately. His soothing whispers drown in the fuzzy murmur of the churning blood in his ears that is getting louder by the second, louder and louder and louder until- Rinne places a ringed finger on his open lips.
“Ya’a breathing, Rei. Look. Breathe out as sharp as ya can, alright?” Slowly, he pulls back his index finger, all the while Rei’s breath still hits the tip. When Rei draws in fresh air, he brings it back to his mouth.
They repeat the motion several times.
Together, they calm down. His breathing settles. His head still feels like it is being mashed in a hydraulic press, but at least the world stopped revolving around him. Rei gets another piece of candy.
The elevator halts. The door opens. The rest of the way is rocky, but they make it. Once in front of the room Rei shares with Eichi and Aira, Rinne pats down his crumpled pants in search of the key. Rei lets him.
Conveniently, his roommates are out. He does not question it - they usually are. Rinne leads him to his bed and punches his pillow into place so that his head lays elevated.
With an “oomph”, Rinne sits down next to his waist, his gaze brash as he searches for discontent in his face. He does not find any, apart from the almost feverish glaze clouding Rei’s eyes. A box of tomato juice - best before date checked - stands on his nightstand next to a picture of his brother and him, ready to be devoured.
“Thank you,” Rei says, and it is genuine.
Rinne answers him by leaning forward to tower over him and smooching a small kiss on his temple. With a yank, he is pulled down into a weak hug, and he embraces him back.
He does not comment on the wet patch on his shoulder or the trembling of his shoulders that emerge.
There are good days, and there are bad days. Both of them feel better spent in company.