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Step one: Call him a hobgoblin
The first time Leonard called Spock a hobgoblin, Spock had been facing away from him. He’d stopped in his tracks, turned around slowly and raised an eyebrow.
“Pardon?” he’d said, utterly confused.
“I said, pass me that tricorder, Hobgoblin,” Leonard said, smiling deviously.
“‘Hobgoblin?’” Spock questioned.
“A hobgoblin is an old Earth mythical creature with pointy ears and green skin,” explained Leonard. “Though it’s not a myth anymore, since I’ve found one.”
“I am not a hobgoblin. I am a Vulcan,” Spock said, still very confused.
“I would beg to differ.”
“Illogical,” Spock said, turning back to his work. Leonard snickered.
Step two: Make jokes about his weird anatomy
The biobed beeped loudly when Spock sat down on it. “Goddamn thing starts screaming every time you come close to it,” Leonard grumbled, smacking a few buttons to shut it up. “It’s all because of those pointy ears and green blood of yours.”
“I fail to see how my anatomy has anything to do with your faulty equipment, Doctor,” Spock deadpanned, like he deadpanned everything.
“It’s not faulty, you’re just weird,” he said matter-of-factly.
“Perhaps your fixations are the strange thing.”
“I don’t know Spock, have you seen anyone else on this ship with pointy ears?”
“I come from a planet where your round Human ears would be the strange ones. The concept of something being strange depends completely on context.”
“So you admit you’re weird?” Leonard said triumphantly.
“I am in the minority on this ship.”
“You’re weird,” Leonard said factually. He waved his tricorder over Spock, knowing better than to try to initiate a physical exam.
“My readings are correct for a Vulcan,” Spock said, gesturing to the biobed that still flashed its lights.
Leonard sighed minutely. He’d been hoping to keep Spock for a bit longer, but it seemed his stalling tactics had failed. “Yep, they are. You’re free to go.”
Spock stood up. “Thank you, Doctor. Goodbye.” And then he left.
Step Three: Bring up his Human side
“Get over here you green-blooded, pointy-eared hobgoblin!” Leonard called.
Spock walked over, raising an eyebrow and rolling his eyes like he was trying to find a reason for Leonard’s stupidity in the back of his eye sockets. “Yes, Doctor?”
“You’re answering to Hobgoblin now,” Leonard laughed. “I win.”
“There was never any competition.”
“Liar. You love the thrill of arguing with me.”
“Vulcans do not lie, nor do they become ‘thrilled.’”
“You are half-Human, though,” Leonard ribbed.
“Doctor, I fail to see how that is relevant,” Spock said, tone turning a little icier.
“Aha, a reaction!”
“I must take my leave,” said Spock. “I have much work to do.” And he left without even saying goodbye.
Leonard watched him leave. “Be like that, I guess.”
Step Four: Bring up his hybrid-ness
“Doctor, I seem to have become trapped under this rock,” Spock said calmly. Leonard turned to look and instantly half freaked out and half-died laughing. There was a huge-ass rock literally just sitting on Spock’s chest.
“Holy shit,” he exclaimed, torn between concern and mirth. “How the hell did you manage to get under that thing?”
“I was inspecting this cliff face and it fell on top of me,” Spock said, matter-of-fact. “Some assistance would be appreciated.”
Leonard threw his body weight against the rock a few times, and it eventually rolled off of Spock. Once it was off, he gave in to his other half and giggled loudly. “Wow.”
“I fail to see what is so humorous, Doctor,” Spock said, getting up, wincing. He’d deny it, but he did wince. Upon seeing that, Leonard stopped laughing and whipped out his tricorder. “I am fine,” Spock said, following the scanner with his eyes.
“I’ll be the judge of that.”
“It is my body; I have a strong grasp on its sensations.”
“You have, like, two broken ribs, Spock.”
“I am a Vulcan. I will master it.”
“You’re not a Vulcan, you’re half-Vulcan and half-Human,” Leonard said absently, scanning again.
“I am a Vulcan,” Spock said more forcefully.
“You’re just as Human as you are Vulcan, Spock,” said Leonard.
“And you, Doctor, are just as brusque as you are bothersome,” Spock said in his ‘this conversation is over’ voice. And so it was.
Step Five: Bring up his feelings, and hurt them
Leonard watched angrily as Spock woke up, slowly coming to.
How dare he take so long. How dare he flutter his eyelashes as if he had all the time in the world.
“Spock!” he said, voice tight. “What. The. Fucking. Hell.”
“Doctor. Excellent bedside manner, as always.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Leonard said too loudly, but he didn’t care. “You’re so goddamn careless.” Spock looked up at him blankly, like he didn’t know what he did. Fucking asshole.
“I am not sure of the issue, Doctor,” he said.
“How many fucking times have I told you,” he hissed, “self-sacrafice is bad!”
Spock raised an eyebrow. “I see. That is the issue.”
“Yes! That is the issue!” Leonard threw his arms into the air, exasperated. His chest felt tight.
“I’ve explained it to you before. It is my duty to the ship and its crew—”
“The crew is better off with you in it!”
“And better off alive. And if I must die to ensure that—”
“Do you have a fucking death wish? I think suicidality is an emotion,” Leonard said bitterly.
“Doctor—”
“What the hell, Spock!” Leonard sighed, doing a few laps around the room. “If I didn’t know better,” he spat, “I’d almost think you cared.”
Spock was silent.
“You think you’re better than us because you’re all unemotional and logical, but then you go and pull stunts like this. You pretend you’re Vulcan because you can’t handle being Human. And you walk around with your computerized brain that you soldered yourself because your Human emotions are too offensive to your logic. Fuckin—hobgoblin.”
Spock still didn’t respond. He looked away, staring at his hands. Leonard’s eyes widened.
He left without a word.
Step Six: Apologize, because you can’t make him angry if he’s already sad
Spock had been avoiding Leonard since he blew up at him in sickbay. And it was totally Leonard’s fault.
God, how fucking insensitive and stupid was he? And he had the gall to call Spock callous. Spock didn’t deserve to be yelled at. Leonard was just an asshole.
It took Leonard a few tries to be able to corner Spock. He’d gone up to the bridge, where Spock was apt to be, but was told that Spock was in the science labs. So he’d gone to the science labs, but there they told him that Spock was on the bridge.
Spock sure was good at avoiding people. But eventually, the shift ended. And Leonard was knocking on Spock’s door.
“Spock!” He didn’t respond. Leonard rolled his eyes. “Let me in!”
Still silence.
“I’ve come to apologize,” he said.
“Apologies are a Human tradition,” came Spock’s voice from the other side of the door. Finally.
Leonard bit back a comment about emotions and illogic. “Then humor me, Spock.”
A pause. “Doctor, I do not wish to be disturbed at the moment.”
“Please, Spock, I just want to talk.”
“Our talks often end in verbal blows.”
“Don’t act like you aren’t on the other side of those.”
“I debate logically. You argue emotionally.”
“Spock!” he groaned, frustrated. Then he sighed, realizing what he was doing. “Spock, please.”
“Please leave.”
“No.”
Spock sighed dramatically inside. He opened the door. “Greetings.”
“Hey, Spock,” Leonard said. He walked in. Spock’s room was very dramatic. Spock was very dramatic. Leonard loved Spock so much. And he didn’t want to hurt him. “Let me just start right away by saying I’m sorry.”
Spock nodded once in acknowledgement. Leonard took that as a good sign.
“I um. I shouldn't have said what I said earlier. It was rude and insensitive and unhelpful and just mean. And I’m sorry.”
“That much could have been explained through the door,” Spock deadpanned.
“I’m trying to apologize, asshole,” he snapped before he could stop himself. “Ah, shit, I’m doing it again,” he cried, hiding his face in his hands. “I’m sorry, Spock.”
“I am not offended.”
“You don’t have to pretend—”
“I am not offended,” Spock repeated, more forcefully this time. “I enjoy our talks, despite how often they devolve into verbal warfare. Perhaps even because.” Leonard looked up. He made eye contact with Spock. “Still. Your words from earlier crossed a threshold that they had not before.”
“You’re right, and I’m sorry,” Leonard said again. “I just… I worry. Because you have no care about your life, and I really, really don’t want you to die.” He took a deep breath.
“I understand.”
That was the closest to an ‘I forgive you’ that Spock was ever going to give. Leonard smiled tentatively. “So, we’re… good?”
“Yes, we are good,” said Spock with Vulcan humor.
Step Seven: Call him a hobgoblin
“Pass me that tricorder, Hobgoblin.”
Spock handed it to him without a word. “Thanks,” said Leonard. “I think I might’ve made a breakthrough.” He swished the tricorder around a few times before handing it to Spock so he could give it a look.
“Ostensibly so,” Spock said. Leonard snorted.
“Who uses the word ‘ostensibly?’”
“I do.”
“Other than pretentious Vulcans like you,” he amended.
Spock rolled his eyes Vulcanly. “I apologize. I shall try to limit my vocabulary to one you can understand.”
“Pshh,” said Leonard, smiling to himself. “Hobgoblin.”