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Anger. Fear. Love. Hatred.
Emotions were tough for members of the Black family, It was tough for Sirius. He didn’t know how to control it, or at least he couldn’t control it. Sometimes it was as if someone else was in his body, saying words from his mouths, doing things in his body. Things that he didn’t want to be doing, but he was doing anyway.
It’s not like he wanted to tell Snape. He didn’t. But something came over him, telling him to say it, telling him to protect his family over his family .
Snape had told him it was either remus or regulus or well in exact words “Tell me Lupin's secret or i send word about your brother… he’s dating Potter and hanging out with mud blood. Your parents would be rather intrigued, don't you agree?”
And as much as he loves Remus, he had people to protect him, he had ways that he would survive. Regulus had him, nobody else could or even would protect Regulus from their parents. Regulus would have been close to death if not dead, if that came out. Then James would have been next on the hit list.
As much as he hates to admit it, Regulus tops everyone, even James. If Regulus died- if Regulus died because of him he would have gotten himself killed the same way his brother died. And he would have been happy.
Now it had been two weeks, and nobody would talk to him. Not even Regulus, who had likely found out through the grapevine (James) what had happened. Somehow his little brother had figured it out in his second year, and Remus was surprisingly okay with it.
This time wasn’t accidental though. Sirius had purposely told Snape. Everyone hated him. Luckily it didn’t matter. The pain was going to end soon enough. Tonight.
Nobody would care, not James, not Peter, not Remus and certainly not Regulus. Maybe Marlene and Lily would, but they would get over it, they would be okay eventually, and Mary wasn’t that close to him.
They all had each other.
James was dating Regulus, so they had each other, Remus and Regulus were friends, and well everyone, except Regulus, were already friends with each other so they would be okay.
Sirius on the other hand, had nobody, anymore.
It was painful to have nobody, but yourself. It was painful to regret every single day. It was something he couldn’t deal with anymore.
It was like he was back in grimmauld place again just without the curses. And well there was a constant thought of death in that house. It was so easy to just go on the roof and take one final step, but he didn’t. The one day he wanted to, Regulus had come looking for him after a nightmare, when he was 13 and Sirius was 14, and now two years later he was about to do the same thing.
Sirius stepped over the railing, on the top of the astrometry tower, his feet barely able to stay on the small bit of tile outside of the railing. His fingers holding himself between the brinks of life and death. It was exhilarating being so close.
He slowly let go of a finger, and another.
The only thing that was between him and the fate of gravity was his few fingers, the more he let go the closer he was.
Sirius slightly leaned over, making sure gravity would win if he let go.
When he let go.
He just needed a second and then it would all end.
End.
His fingers loosened and he started to fall forward. He was so close.
He looked up towards the sky, towards a star, and whispered, “Goodbye Regulus, I love you.” and let-
“Sirius?! Stop!”
Shit.
“What are you doing here reg.” It wasn’t a question really. “You don’t want to see this.” Sirius said, his voice weaker than Regulus had ever heard before.
The older brother quickly looked behind him to see not one, but two boys, with book bags. The difference was one one with curly black hair was slowly stepping forward, trying to hide his wand in one hand, and putting the other hand out as if that would stop him. The other boy was slightly taller, with light caramel brown hair, but he was frozen still as his books fell down to the floor.
“Sirius, don't do this. Please.” Regulus begged slowly.
“The stars are nice are they? I can see your star tonight, as well as the moon. It’s beautiful.”
“It is.” Regulus' voice grew closer.
Sirius could hear the two boys whispering about something, though he couldn’t quite tell what it was, before regulus continued. “Sirius, you need to step back over the railing.”
“Go to your dorm Reg, you too Remus. You don’t want to see this. You’ll just get your nightmares again, Regulus.”
The memories came clear to Regulus. He had blocked out most nights at Grimmauld place, he stored them in the back of his brain, which is why he usually seemed so ungrateful to Sirius he never could remember if Sirius protected him or not. He remembered that night.
He had a nightmare. That his mother finally killed Sirius. He had cut his hair short for the first time in his life, his mother likes Regulus’ hair long. Regulus hated it. So he took some shears and chopped it. It didn’t look bad, it was good, he looked handsome. He looked like Sirius. Like a boy for the first time in his life.
Regulus had called Sirius in the room, the naive 13 year old he was, and showed him so proudly. It was the happiest he had ever been, until Sirius looked scared. Sirius looked panicked until he gave a small smile and yelled for their mother, “Maman! Look, I cut Reggie’s hair!” Their mother was furious. It had been one of the worst punishments he had ever received, the first being when he was sorted into Gryffindor, but it was both parents that were furious.
Sirius had been cursed and screamed at for hours, until Sirius was a bloody, bruised, mess. To Regulus’ knowledge Sirius always had horrid scars all over his body from curses, they were likely from that night.
Regulus walked into his brother's room that night as a 13 year old and stepped onto the roof when Sirius wasn’t in the room, as that had been Sirius’ quiet place. Only that time Sirius wasn’t laying on the middle of the roof like usual , he was standing on the edge, muttering. He had been able to talk Sirius down. But it was the worst night ever.
Since then, losing his brother had been his boggart, his worst fear.
“Which is why I need my brother. I used to come into your room because of that. I was scared Maman would kill you Sirius.”
Sirius sighed, “You don’t need me.”
“Sirius, you promised me! That night, you promised me you wouldn’t kill yourself. Mother had stopped in time, she wanted you to live, otherwise you wouldn’t be, and you promised you would stay that way.” Regulus stated quickly.
“She was going to. Before. Father had walked in, demanded she would stop, since I am better alive then dead. I wanted to spite them. Then you came. But Reg, I don't care anymore.”
Regulus looked shocked before focusing on the topic at hand. “I need you Sirius.”
“You have James. You have Remus and Pandora and Barty and Evan. You will be okay. I’m giving you one more chance to leave. Both of you.”
“I won’t! Sirius, do you know what my boggart is? It’s this, my big brother killing himself is my worst fear, please don’t do this. Please” Regulus pleaded, tears falling hard out of his eyes.
Remus finally spoke up. “Pads don’t. Your brother is right. We all need you.”
“I’m sorry.” Sirius quickly said, tears flooding his eyes.
Then he did it.
Then he let go.
He could hear his baby brother screaming, it was the only part of this he hated. The fact that Regulus was hurting and Sirius could fix it, hurt more than the falling.
But the falling was so peaceful, it was the most at peace he had been in a long time. If only he could fall forever, then he stopped.
Out of nowhere he started slowly floating back up and eventually came back over the railing on the astronomy tower. As soon as his body hit the floor, everyone went blank again. All his emotions came back to him at once. So he screamed. He was so close to ending it and it failed. Once again Sirius Black, a failure.
He looked up, tears leaving his aching body just to see Remus Lupin, with his left hand up holding his wand, with a face of pure shock. As he dropped to the ground, unable to move Remus just muttered one word, “Why Siri?”. As if he didn’t actually think Sirius would do it.
Many people underestimate the will of Sirius Black, though Sirius never thought Remus Lupin would be one of those people. It hurt.
Regulus hurt more. The moment Sirius’ body landed on the floor Regulus dropped to the ground, spreading his arms around the older boy, hugging him tightly. Sirius could feel the younger boy's tears flooding his t-shirt, which was now incredibly baggy. Sirius only wrapped his arms around the crying boy, resting the words “I’m okay.” and “Reggie breathes
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It was the first time in years Sirius had seen Regulus cry this hard. Regulus hated it when people saw him crying, which is likely why his head was buried deep into Sirius's chest. But Regulus sobbed. Regulus sobbed and sobbed.
Sirius only rubbed small circles onto the boy's back, slightly worried Regulus would start panicking.
This was Sirius’ boggart. His little brother hurting, as well as his friends.
Sirius almost regretted what he did.
Almost.