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It was wrong, and Adrian knew that. Dad always told him that something was wrong with him. Maybe he was right, for once. He may be a dickhead, but he was a correct dickhead. Adrian was sick in the head. He could no longer doubt that.
But Alex was all he had. He couldn't lose her now. Then he'd be all alone with his mentally ill mom and deadbeat dad. He couldn't let himself get left behind. Not again. Never again. So, he simply did what he had to do.
Maybe killing Jay would have been a better choice. He didn't like hurting Alex. She didn't deserve this. He felt guilty the whole time. Fuck, why was he like this? He was a bad friend. He just wanted to keep Alex all to himself.
Anyone would do the same if it meant keeping their only friend; their only family. Because that's what Alex and her family were. They were Adrian's family too. More of a family than his own parents ever were. If he couldn't have them, he would kill himself. He needed Alex, and clearly she couldn't see that because she was so quick to fuck off with her brand new football player boyfriend.
He fucking hated himself for what he did. He didn't like who he had become in the defence of those he loved. But it was just human nature. To protect and cherish those you love is to hurt them in the process. Alex needed an intervention, before Jay actually hurt her. He knew that he would. He was just protecting her. Yeah. It was for her own good. This was the only way he could help her. He wasn't letting her go. They needed each other.
Adrian held her close to his chest and kissed her forehead softly. She sobbed quietly, so he soothingly stroked her hair. He stared blankly forward. He couldn't feel anything. Why couldn't he feel anything? Where was the anger, the aching pain, the empathy? Why was he doing this to her?
He clutched at Alex’s sleeve, holding on so desperately as he watched her break down. He caused her this anguish. It was all his fault. All he ever did was hurt people. Why did he hurt people? Why couldn't he just be fucking normal? Maybe if he was then his dad would love him and he wouldn't have to rape his best (only) friend in order to keep her around. But that's the thing, he didn't have to do this. He was just a sick, twisted person who didn't know how to show love.
He was a bad, evil person who did terrible things and deserved to be punished for them. The reason didn't matter. He was horrible. Adrian hated who he had turned into. It may have been in the name of his love for Alex, but that didn't make it okay. It didn't make him good. Everything awful he had done in his life was laid out in front of him, ready to be weighed against a feather. And Ammun was waiting there, hungry. His heavy heart was the perfect meal for such a horribly divine being.