Work Text:
“Madoka, Madoka, Madoka,” Homura whispered feverishly, curled up on her bed. “Her name was Madoka and she was real, her name was Madoka and she was real, her name was Madoka and she was real.”
No matter how much Homura repeated it, a part of herself wondered if it was true.
No one around her remembered Kaname Madoka because she had never existed in this world. They spoke of the Law of Cycles not knowing its origin, not knowing of the selfless soul who had sacrificed everything to save them.
Madoka had said she would be everywhere and Homura remembered feeling something there for just a brief moment as Sayaka ascended, becoming part of the Law of Cycles, before the feeling disappeared as she did.
Homura hated the world. She knew, in her very core, that it was not worth saving. Madoka’s sacrifice couldn’t have been worth it in her eyes; a part of her would always dream of a timeline in which they became witches together and burnt the world to the ground. But Madoka had used her last Wish to create the best world she could imagine and Homura could never blaspheme against her by abandoning it.
She just wished existing in it didn’t hurt so much.
All she had wanted was to live with Madoka by her side and no matter what Madoka might have said, it couldn’t count if Homura couldn’t see her, couldn’t feel her.
Of course Madoka being a goddess made sense, Homura had always been willing to worship at her feet. But why did her realizing her divinity mean Homura would be trapped in a hell of her making, forever separate from her?
Sometimes she remembered realizing that Kaname Tatsuya knew of his big sister’s existence, even if everyone else believed she was simply his imaginary friend. For a single moment, Homura almost didn’t feel alone. But Tatsuya was a child from a family that didn’t even remember their eldest daughter’s existence, it wasn’t like Homura could rely on him.
And so she alone remembered Madoka in her entirety. She alone could worship the Goddess as she deserved. Even so, Homura couldn’t help but tell Kyubey about her because Madoka deserved to have more than one being who knew of her existence, even if they were beasts that lacked any redeeming features.
Homura’s fingers clawed into her bedsheets as she buried her face into her pillows, desperately praying for tears that had yet to come.
Homura didn’t need sleep since becoming a Magical Girl but she allowed herself to sleep anyways so she could dream of a reality where she and Madoka got to live together . One without Magical Girls and Goddesses, where they could just be people .
It was almost funny, out of all the other Magical Girls, the one Homura could always find herself relating to was Sakura Kyoko.
Kyoko had been head over heels in love with Sayaka, which Homura supposed she could see because the heartbreak Kyoko would always get in the depths of her eyes after the birth of Oktavia von Seckendorff was reflected in Homura’s own. Sometimes Homura wishes she could do what Kyoko almost always managed to - sacrifice herself so she could live on in death with the girl she loved.
Sakura Kyoko never managed to survive long past the death of Miki Sayaka - and was it wrong that Homura wished for a similar fate?
Actually, this world was an exception, wasn’t it? Sayaka had long since joined the Law of Cycles and Kyoko was still kicking. She had become more reckless since then, not that Homura could blame her.
Everyday Homura wishes she could give in to grief so she could be within Madoka’s embrace again.
But if she did give in, was she not saying Madoka’s sacrifice was meaningless? Was she not saying that Madoka had given up her life for no reason at all?
Madoka loved Magical Girls and thought they deserved to have their Wishes honored - if Homura gave into her grief and allowed herself to become part of the Law of Cycles, was she saying that Madoka’s love was undeserved?
All Homura wanted was to have Madoka back. All she wanted was to not be alone in her grief.
She keened loudly, scratching her nails down her throat to try and distract herself from her thoughts. All she wanted was to fall asleep, to give into the abyss of her dreams.
She didn’t notice Kyubey standing outside her window, an air of smugness to his presence.