Work Text:
All of the upper court had assembled, save for a certain thieving god. Ling Wen had summoned all of them as they had an important decision to make, one that they had been putting off for far too long.
“We need a heavenly emperor.”
Hua Cheng raised his hand–When did he get here?
“Not Xie Lian. And please tell me that he is not here.”
Pouting like a little child, he stuck his tongue out at the goddess. “Rude. Gege’s being entertained by Yin Yu. If it can’t be Gege, then how about–”
“You are not a god. You cannot be the emperor.”
“That’s discrimination against the dead.”
“Deal with it.” He was going to be a menace for the entire meeting, she just knew it. Of course, he wasn’t the only menace. The other gods were yelling, each tossing their suggestion into the ring. Most were nominating themselves, hopeful for a quick ticket to fame and fortune. And then there was Quan Yizhen.
“Shixiong!”
“What?” Pei Ming asked, after entering his name for the fiftieth time.
“Shixiong!”
“He’s not here!” The Southern gods yelled.
“Shixiong!”
“Shut up!” Shi Wudu threw an empty cup at the fluffy-haired god, hitting him in the head.
Blinking, Quan Yizhen once more yelled, “Shixiong!” He pounded his fists on the table, cracking the marble in half. “I nominate Shixiong!”
Ling Wen sighed, exasperated with the young god. About to tell him that he couldn’t nominate his Shixiong, she paused. Why couldn’t he? Yin Yu was a former god. While he hadn’t been the best martial god, he had more than proven himself capable of handling the insanity that the gods managed to come up with. After all, he had spent the last decade dealing with Heaven's resident thieving god! He had centuries worth of time dealing with Hua Cheng and the people of Ghost City.
And, best of all, he was plain. Being a plain and forgettable person meant that he wouldn’t let the power go to his head like Jun Wu had! It was perfect!
“I will arrange for a heavenly calamity for Yin Yu. After he passes his calamity, he will be Heaven’s new emperor.” Ling Wen announced her decision.
Hua Cheng jumped up onto the table, his hand reaching for his scimitar. Fortunately for them, it seemed that his husband had acquired his scimitar that day, as his hand came up empty and he muttered “Gege” under his breath.
“You will not get Yin Yu! I won’t let you have him!”
“You can’t stop us. If he passes his calamity, then he will be a god again.”
“Then I will make sure that he fails his calamity.”
“Well, I will make sure that his calamity is so easy that even a two year old could pass!”
“Well, I will lock him up in my dungeon!”
“Well I will give your husband the most obnoxious shiny items I can find! A thousand-no, a million bells!”
“You dare.”
“Shixiong!”
Hua Cheng and Ling Wen turned to Yizhen and screamed, “WHAT NOW!”
“It’s Shixiong. He’s here.”
All heads turned to where Yin Yu stood. “I don’t know what you all are up to, but please, no one give Xie Lian any bells. I don’t need any more of a headache, thank you.” The ex-god looked very weary and tired. “Hua Cheng, please return to the manor. Your husband has somehow acquired a child. Again.”
“Gege.” The ghost king said with a sigh. Tossing his dice he left to deal with his child thieving husband.
Yin Yu went to follow him, only to be stopped by Ling Wen. “How long were you standing there?”
“I arrived in time to hear you threaten to give Xie Lian bells. I implore you, no bells.”
“Of course, the threat was meant for Hua Cheng, I won’t drag you into our issues.”
“Thank you.” He bowed and left.
“Quick now, we need a calamity for him while Hua Cheng is distracted!”
The gods scattered to prepare an easy calamity that anyone could pass. Soon the only gods left were Ling Wen, Pei Ming, and Pei Xiu. The younger Pei looked at his promiscuous General. “Did you remember that today is the first Monday of the month?”
Pei Ming slapped his forehead, having forgotten. “Dang, child support day snuck up on me again. Ling Wen, could you please see that the merits are sent?”
“Already taken care of.”
___
Hua Cheng rushed home. He had to deal with the child that Gege had kidnapped, and stop any calamities that Yin Yu might have! It was urgent! To save time, he rolled his dice and landed right next to his Gege, using a little trick that he had created called the ‘Ferret Locator’. Whenever he rolled Snake Eyes he would land right next to his Gege.
This time he landed in his study, Gege sitting on the floor with Guzi in his lap as he read him a book. It certainly didn’t look like Guzi had been kidnapped. Just what was going on here?
“Hi Uncle Red Fart Dog Lover! Baba says that I’m a distraction!”
Oh no. The kid was a distraction sent by that trash god Qianqiu, meant to distract Hua Cheng and his Gege long enough for Yin Yu to ascend! Running to the door, he threw it open. Yin Yu was in the hall, stepping on a ghost roach, dispersing it with his boot.
That was his heavenly calamity! Hua Cheng had to stop his accession, he could already hear the thunder outside! Seeing the beam of golden light rapidly approaching his beloved employee, Hua Cheng acted fast. He grabbed his Gege by the waist and held him up, using one hand to turn his Gege’s head towards the beam of light. “Gege, look! Shiny light!”
Xie Lian wiggled and squirmed, launching himself from his San Lang’s grip into the air. He landed in the shiny light, giggling as he wiggled in its shiny glow. “SHINY!” The light started to recede, taking the sticky-fingered god with it. “SHIiiinnnnnnnnyyyyyy” His voice faded as he was pulled into heaven.
—-
Everyone was gathered at the accession square, waiting for their new Heavenly Emperor to arrive. All of the signs of an accession were present; the thunder and lightning, the earthquakes, the obnoxious bell tolling, and a beam of golden light. It was a strong accession as well, there hadn’t been one this strong since the sticky-fingered god! The new emperor was going to be strong indeed.
The light faded, revealing not the emperor, but… “XIE LIAN!” Ling Wen yelled, “What are you doing here?!”
“Shiny light!” He yelled before running off to steal who knows what.
Feng Xin watched him scamper off and asked the question that was likely on everyone’s mind. “Did he just ascend again?”
Panicking, Ling Wen fished a scroll out of her left sleeve. The scroll had the details of the most recent accession, and much to her annoyance, it seemed that Xie Lian had ascended for a fourth time. “Yes. He is now Xie Lian, The Scrap Collecting Immortal Thief, God of thieves, ferrets, and shiny things.”
Everyone collectively groaned; the menace now had more power.
“Needless to say, we must double down on our efforts to get the new Heavenly Emperor here.” They would need his help, if heaven was going to remain standing. “I will arrange another heavenly calamity. Someone do something about the ferret.”
A group of deputies that included Fu Yao, Nan Feng, Xiao Mengyou, and Pei Xiu (who, despite being a god, was still considered an honorable deputy as he was the only one able to deal with his General’s insanity), all quickly assembled. The head deputies barked out orders that were quickly followed by the diligent deputies.
“We are all in trouble if the deputies ever revolt.” Pei Ming watched the organized movements and the precise orders that the deputies issued. They were the real heroes in heaven.
Eyebrows raised, Ling Wen snorted. “No, we will be in trouble if they ever unionize.” Her words brought a collective shudder to the gods,terrified about the thought of a unified group of deputies. Heaven would crumble beneath them. “Let us pray it never comes to that.”
____
Hua Cheng wouldn’t lose his right hand man to the trash gods, he wouldn’t! He had foiled Ling Wen’s first attempt at a calamity, now he needed to foil any future ones. Digging through his closet, he found a pair of black fuzzy handcuffs. He and Xie Lian used them for special no-clothes time, but they would work perfectly for this!
“Yin Yu” he summoned his loyal employee. “Come here for a moment.”
Yin Yu approached his boss, pausing when he felt something cold clasp onto his wrist. “Hua Chengzhu, what was that?”
The Ghost King grinned as he placed something in his mouth, swallowing it. “I have handcuffed you to me for your safety.”
“What?! Uncuff me, right now!” He yanked his wrist, cringing when he saw the fur on the cuffs. “Seriously?! Your special no-clothes handcuffs!!”
His demon boss cackled. “Yup! And I can’t uncuff you, because I ate the key.”
“…”
“Smart, right?”
Yin Yu growled, raised his fingers to his forehead and entered the communal array of Paradise manor. “Cook Jin Li, prepare a meal high in fiber and prunes. Medic Long Bo, prepare the strongest laxative you can. It seems that our lord is full of shit.”
Hua Cheng palled. “Wait, no, you don’t need to—-aaaahhhh!” Yin Yu dragged the Ghost King away, ready to force feed him his meal of prunes and wheat, shove the bottle of laxative down his throat, then park his ass on a chamber pot. Of course, Hua Cheng would also be responsible for the retrieval of the key…it was, after all, his big steaming pile of shit.
___
Three hours later, Yin Yu strolled out of the bathroom, only briefly pausing to yell, “Don’t you dare light a match! You’ll burn the manor down, again!”. Satisfied that he had dealt with the Ghost King, he headed down the hall. He would have to figure out where Xie Lian had run off to, it had been far too quiet. Yin Yu knew one thing, a quiet Xie Lian was a naughty Xie Lian.
He was so deep in thought that he didn’t even notice the beam of golden light that he walked straight into, nor did he register that he was floating up and away from the mortal world. He didn’t hear the pain filled cries emitting from Hua Chen, and even if he had he would have assumed that they were just the result of round two of the fiber, prunes, and laxatives.
No, he didn’t notice that something was going on until he heard the all too familiar wailing scream of “Shixiong!”. Panicking, he dug a small pebble from his pocket and launched it towards the voice. Then he ran.
“Don’t let him get away!”
Gods scrambled after him, but he was too used to having to dodge the enthusiastic hugs attempts from Quan Yizhen, He zigged and zagged, jumped, swerved, and veered. At one point he ran straight up the wall of the palace of Ming Guang, catapulting himself off the highest point into the koi pond of the Water Master. In the Koi Pond he swam underwater into an underwater cave, at which point he pulled the Earth Master shovel from his pocket. Digging at a seventy five degree angle, he dug a tunnel towards the decession square. After approximately .589078 li of digging, his shovel broke through.
He swiftly jumped out of the hole, prepared to descend away from the insanity that was heaven. Unfortunately for him, he had miscalculated the angle of his dig. He should have dug at a sixty five degree angle, not a seventy five degree one. He was now standing next to Xie Lian, surrounded by a pack of deputy gods.
Deputy gods were terrifying.
One of them had a broom.
Hands out, he told the deputies “I surrender.”
“I don’t know why you are surrendering, but ok.” The broom wielding deputy said.
Internally, Yin Yu swore. They didn’t know about the order to retain him. “Can I leave, then?”
“No.” A scowling deputy with a ghost fetus strapped to his back in a traditional Meh Dai answered him. The ghost fetus peeked over his shoulder and growled at Yin Yu.
“Cuo Cuo?”
“Grrrrrr.”
The gods had, at this point, noticed that Yin Yu had been cornered. They rushed over and crowded in amongst the deputies. Xie Lian took advantage, slipping into the crowd and lifting shiny items from them. It didn’t escape Yin Yu that he didn’t touch a single deputy god.
“Congratulations, your highness. You have ascended–”
“NOOOOOO!!!” The wail of his boss was heard as the Ghost King ran into the crowd. He was strangely disheveled, his clothes mussed, hair ruffled, and face red. Even his eye patch was askew on his face. Gods and deputies shuffled away from him, not out of fear, but out of disgust from the exhaust fumes that he was emitting. That is to say, his gas.
Crimson Rain had gas.
And it was rank.
Ling Wen, pinching her nose with one hand as the other fanned the air around her, looked at Yin Yu with watering eyes. “Congratulations your highness, you have ascended. Your new title is Heavenly Emperor.”
“I object!” Hua Cheng cried as he released another puff of toxic gas, asphyxiating a young scholarly god.
“What! I-Where do I begin?” Yin Yu looked first at the ghost king and then at Ling Wen. “First, this isn’t a wedding. You can’t just object, Chenzhou. Second, what the hell was my calamity, because I sure don’t remember completing one!”
“You force fed a Ghost King fiber, prunes, and a laxative.”
“What! How dare you-ohhhhh.” Hua Cheng moaned, his stomach whining as another toxic cloud squeaked past his cheeks. The deputy gods made a hasty retreat to their palaces, knowing that the stink would only get worse.
“Are you saying that I ascend because I made a Ghost King shit himself?” Yin Yu asked Ling Wen, not entirely believing how his second accession had played out. “My first calamity had me kill a lion Yao, a tiger Yao, and a bear Yao, with just a sharpened stick and one hand tied behind my back! I WAS SWALLOWED BY THE BEAR AND HAD TO CARVE MY WAY OUT! And yet, I was only a mediocre martial god?! But make a Ghost King take a dump, congratulations! You're the new heavenly emperor!”
“In our defense, Hua Cheng messed up the first calamity we had planned for you, the ghost roach. I had to improvise.”
“How did he mess up the calamity? How could he even mess up a calamity?” Exasperated, Yin Yu yelled at the scribe before him. To his credit, this entire ordeal was utter nonsense.
“I showed Gege the Shiny light and he jumped into it.”
Eyes darkened when he heard that. “Are you telling me that your husband ascended a FOURTH time?!”
“Yes–oh no.”Hua Cheng paled as his stomach emitted disturbing gurgles. He wrapped his arms tightly around his abdomen and clenched his butt cheeks before he waddled as quickly as he could to the palace of Xuan Zhen. Disappearing into the palace, loud groans soon pierced the air, followed by the screams of the poor, defenseless deputies inside. Gagging deputies poured out from whatever exit was nearest; doors, windows, holes punched in the wall. They all ran from a noxious green cloud that leaked out behind them, threatening death to any trapped in its wake.
Suddenly, the palace of Xuan Zhen imploded with a tremendous bang. The noxious cloud went up in flames, acting like the powder that ignited fireworks. Flaming bits of rubble rained down, littering the Grand Martial Square.
When the dust settled, everyone saw two crispy figures; Fu Yao with a clothespin on his nose and broom in his hand, and Hua Cheng with his pants pulled down and his ass on display as he squatted over a bowl. In one hand he held the charred remains of a match, the bowl now full of toxic, rank, waste.
“What happened!” Mu Qing wailed, pointing at his palace, deputy, and the bowl. “My palace! My deputy! MY BOWL!” Feng Xin hopped around behind him, desperately trying to calm him down. “Daddy, relax! Do you want to beat me up, will that make you feel better?”
Lowering his broom, Fu Yao looked at the Ghost King. “I told you not to light the match! Now take the broom and START CLEANING!”
Terrified of the deputy, Hua Cheng complied.
Yin Yu turned to Ling Wen. He knew that he wasn’t going to be able to escape his new role in heaven; he hadn’t been able to escape his role in ghost city either. “There will be some ground rules if we want this to work. I can’t abandon my work in ghost city; imagine the chaos that would unfold without me to deal with them.”
Ling Wen nodded. “Of course.”
___
It was decided that Yin Yu would have an office in Heaven and one in Ghost City. For six months out of the year, he was in Heaven and for the remaining six months he was in Ghost City. Wherever he was Hua Cheng and Xie Lian would also be stationed, as he was still the only one able to control those two. Additionally, When he was in heaven, Quan Yizhen was to be stationed in Ghost City and vice versa. (He had threatened to quit as both the Waning Moon Officer and the Heavenly Emperor if Yizhen wasn’t controlled.)
There were now deputies in ghost city, just as terrifying as the deputies in heaven. And, much to Ling Wen’s terror, both sets of deputies had gone on strike only six months into the new regime, demanding the right to unionize. So now the deputies had unions, and union representatives. They had a minimum wage, benefits, and vacation time.
Even the gods didn’t have vacation time.
Maybe the deputies were onto something…