Chapter Text
A streak of crimson raced through the heavenly capital, bells and chains jingling with each step it took. Their singular eye was wide, they panted heavily, and a heavy aurora of panic emitted from them. They were so panicked that they didn’t even mock the gods that they passed, a favorite pastime of theirs.
The frantic individual was none other than Hua Cheng, the ghost king known as Crimson Rain Sought Flower, the scourge of the heavens, killer of thirty three gods. He was the owner of the wicked scimitar E-Ming and the wielder of the feared specter butterflies. His panicked state drove the gods into a panic–after all whatever was panicking him must be horrible indeed.
Reaching his destination, the palace of divine might, he flung the doors open and bellowed; “YIN YU!” Dragging himself to the throne where the heavenly emperor Yin Yu sat, book in hand, the ghost king threw himself to his knees before his divine counterpart.
“YIN YU, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!”
With an exhausted sigh, Yin Yu closed his book. He had just received the final book in the series Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation. It was by his favorite author, Mo Xiang Tong Xiu. He was struck, once again, by how eerily accurate her books were. These books seemed to detail the life of Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian.
But that was a concern for another day. Right now he needed to find out what Hua Cheng’s urgent problem that was also, somehow, his problem.
“What now?”
“Gege–”
“I swear, if you say, ‘Gege has my dice’ I am quitting.” And he would. He refused to deal with that again.
“NO! No, I have my dice.”
Yin Yu nodded. “Then what did your husband steal? Was it Xuan Zhen’s bowl?”
“He didn’t steal anything…”
An eyebrow crept up, curiosity and annoyance creeping onto the Waning Moon/Heavenly Emperor’s face. “Then what, exactly, is the problem? Don’t tell me that his thing ran away now? Because I adamantly refuse to help with that.”
Visibly nervous, Hua Cheng shook his head. “No, no. Um. Ahhh…—”
“SPIT IT OUT ALREADY!”
“Gege, Wei Wuxian, Quan Yizhen, Pei Ming, and some guy named Shen Qingqiu are at a bar, drinking!”
Yin Yu blinked.
“They’re playing ‘never have I ever’!”
Yin Yu’s mouth opened, but no sound came out.
“They aren’t even drinking wine, they are drinking the hard stuff.”
His mouth closed and he held up a finger. Taking a deep breath, he unleashed hell on Hua Cheng.
“OUT OF ALL THE THINGS THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED YOU LET HIM GET DRUNK WITH THOSE PEOPLE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW BAD THIS IS?!”
Hua Cheng was reduced to an uncharacteristic stuttering mess. “Well–well, ahh, it-it’s not good?”
Yin Yu was visibly shaking, waves of anger pouring off of him. “Do you have any idea who that ‘some guy named Shen Qingqiu’ is?” He asked, his face mere inches from the now fearful ghost king’s.
Hua Cheng did jot know who this guy was, or why he was eliciting such a response from the stern, but typically even tempered Yin Yu. “No.”
“He is the husband of Luo Binghe.”
Hua Cheng still did not understand.
“The ruler of the Northern Demon realm who is highly possessive of his husband. So possessive he puts you and Lan Wangji to shame, making the two of you look like neglectful mothers in comparison!”
“That…That does not sound good.”
Sighing, Yin Yu pinched his forehead. “No, no it is not. It is highly likely that Luo Binghe is looking for his husband, because knowing your husband, he likely stole him!”
Hua Cheng wanted to say that his Gege wouldn’t do that but…”That seems likely, doesn't it?”
“Very.”
The ghost and god sat in silence, contemplating the severity of the situation and what their next steps should be. Finally Yin Yu broke the silence with a declaration into the chaos crew array. “Everybody, this is a supreme level emergency. All gods, ghosts, and mortals on deck. Xie Lian has kidnapped the husband of a demon ruler and is in a bar with Wei Wuxian, Quan Yizhen, and Pei Ming playing Never have I ever while they drink hard liquor.”
No one responded for what seemed like the longest time and then, well…
All chaos broke loose.
“The world is going to end!”
“Shi Wudu, you were supposed to be watching Pei Ming!”
“No, you were!”
“Drinking is strictly prohibited in Cloud Recess!”
“Daddy, I’m scared!”
“Haha, that dog fucker sure did step in it this time!”
“Who let Qi Rong into the group?”
“SOMEBODY SAVE ME!”
“Shut up.” Yin Yu said these two simple words, quickly bringing an end to the outburst in the array. They were giving him a headache. “Everyone, my palace, now. Except you, Qi Rong.”
They needed to start planning because they needed to move fast. Lou Binghe wouldn’t hesitate to end them all. Arrays were drawn, dice were tossed, and swords were ridden. Gods, ghosts, and cultivators spilled into Yin Yu’s palace in the Heavenly realm. Deputies had assembled, like soldiers waiting for their orders.
Yin Yu thought that they had it all under control.
But they were too late; spiritual energy crackled through the air, bringing with it a sense of doom that shattered the peace of everyone within six li of the angry demon. Throughout the heavenly realm gods locked themselves into their palaces and deputy gods, wisely, fled to the mortal realm. Never before had such a menacing presence been in their realm, this being was even more terrifying than Hua Cheng, the killer of thirty three gods.
It was Luo Binghe, the Demon Ruler of the North. And he was angry.
“Where.” He spit out from clenched teeth, “is my Shizun!” Everyone in the palace trembled in fear. It was bad enough getting in between a ghost king and his husband; getting in between a demon ruler and his husband? Doubly bad!
Yin Yu, perhaps the only one in the entire world who still had a calm mind at the moment, bowed to the demon. “My lord, we are working on retrieving your husband as we speak. You can rest assured, he is in capable hands; currently he is in the presence of three gods and an esteemed cultivator.”
Luo Binghe’s face relaxed just a bit with the news that his beloved husband was safe. He was still angry but he wasn’t planning an immediate slaughter of everyone anymore.
And then Hua Cheng opened his mouth.
“What do you mean? Gege’s the only competent one in the bunch of those fools. Quan Yizhen is distracted by anything that remotely reminds him of his Shixiong, Pei Ming is a manwhore, and Wei Wuxian is a menace!”
Lan Wangji glared at the ghost king. “My husband is a delightful demonic cultivator. Your husband is the menace; he’s a thief!”
“Gege is no such thing!”
“He’s the god of thieves.” Lan Wangji said in the most deadpan way possible.
“I stand by that being a data entry error.”
Ling Wen marches into the verbal sparring field. “Are you suggesting that I didn’t do my job properly? And my Pei Ming is not a manwhore!”
“He has hundreds of kids!”
“That’s all on little Pei, he only has—“
“Enough!” Binghe screamed, the force of his yell shaking the very foundation of heaven itself. “I don’t know what is going on, or what this clown show is, but I better have my husband back by sunset, without a single hair out of place! Or else!”
Everyone nodded except for Hua Cheng. He raised his hand and opened his mouth. “Now when you say without a single hair out of place, is it OK if he comes back dr—UMPH!”
Mu Qing had taken the chance to do what he had always dreamed of doing. He punched Hua Cheng in the mouth, silencing him before he could dig their hole any deeper. Shaking his fist, he nodded at the demon. “Excuse him. He fell from a great height as a child. He hasn’t been the same since. Sunset, not a hair out of place. We all understand.”
“You,” Binghe pointed at Mu Qing, “I like.”
Yin Yu groaned, rubbing his forehead. A strange box of text appeared in front of him, and a monotone voice started speaking.
[Welcome to the System! The System is proud to present this thrilling new quest–Find the Ferret before Binghe loses his mind! Mission objectives are to find the gods Xie Lian, Pei Ming, and Quan Yizhen, the cultivator Wei Wuxian, and Luo Binghe’s husband Shen Qingqiu. Shen Qingqiu must be returned to Luo Binghe before sunset unharmed.]
“What the hell.”
[The System suggests bringing the one called Shang Qinghua onto your team.]
“Ok.”
[The System would also like to note that while one would think that this was Xie Lian’s fault, this time it was all Pei Ming’s fault.]
Of course it was. There was liquor involved, who else could have started this? One thing was certain, they needed to hurry up and find the frightening foursome and the poor soul that they had kidnapped.
Heaven help them all.
—-
Meanwhile in a bar somewhere in the North, the five sat around a table with cups of rice liquor. Quan Yizhen raised his cup, and yelled out “Never have I ever been kidnapped by a god!”. Xie Lian, Wei Wuxian, Pei Ming, and Shen Qingqiu downed their glasses. “Ehh? I knew about our new friend, but what about you three?”
Xie Lian snorted. “Mu Qing and Feng Xin tried to save me from San Lang.”
Wei Wuxian just pointed at Xie Lian, he didn’t need to say anything else.
Pei Ming winked. “Shi Wudu.”
Yizhen nodded, not completely understanding, but having fun with his friends. “Whose turn is next?”
“ME!” Xie Lian yelled.
This was going to get interesting.