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When Andy gave her the order to go home, she didn’t hesitate, she got her things and immediately got into her car to drive back home. Home wasn’t her apartment anymore. While it was their new house, her real home was Carina. Carina and Liam: her family. Sometimes she still couldn’t believe that this was her life now. She was still falling more and more in love with her wife on a daily. She didn’t think that she would ever be a mommy ever, but Carina changed her. She never used to like change. Change always insinuated unknown, unknown could mean failing. She was still scared to fail. It started when she was 3 years old. She was scared to fail her father, to fail her sports career, to fail her firefighter career but now, now she was scared to fail Carina and their son.
After seeing Mason at the pride parade today she was reminded, reminded of failing her brother at a young age, of not being able to help him at the right time. She didn’t, no she couldn’t even blame her brother. Growing up with their father pushed him in so many ways, in so many wrong directions. Finding a group of people, he thought he could finally belong to, people who would listen to him, people who wouldn’t starve them, people who were so wrong in so many ways but the only people he had. She didn’t blame anyone but herself and her father. She had been dealing with so much over the past year, that somehow, she could understand that an emotional breakdown, that trying to belong, that trying to leave their past behind could push you in to the worst direction; into a human being you aren’t or don’t want to be. She knew she didn’t know Mason anymore; she didn’t want to excuse his behavior in any way, but she was trying to make sense of all of it. Andy was right when she said, “we are not giving them this much power.” They indeed had so many reasons to celebrate, to be proud of who they were but it still hurt. It still hurt seeing the person, the only person who she ever truly loved before Carina, protesting their rights. Their little family. It felt personal, it felt confusing, and it hurt, in every way.
And on top of it all she also knew that Carina was at home, taking care of their son, not sleeping because she had been catching her looking over the same documents over and over for the past weeks. Everything always came at once. She needed to get home. She needed to see Carina and she needed to see their son. And she knew that they needed her just as much.
Maya was glad when she finally parked her car. She was glad that the way wasn’t endless and send her into an even bigger spiral. She was glad when she saw Carina waiting for her. And somehow Carina’s little smile told her that while they needed to talk tonight, they’d be okay. She’d always have someone to come home to. She always had her own family, someone who always believed in her, someone who would always listen and never ever downplay her worries. For a short moment, she forgot the struggles at work, when Carina showed her the new crib, in the room that was going to be their son’s own little sanctuary; a safe place where he’d always be protected and loved. So so loved.
But Carina was Carina; she knew her. She knew her better than she knew herself. “What’s wrong my love?”
The Maya she used to be would say she is fine just tired but the Maya she was growing into knew that she wanted and needed to be honest to work on her feelings and her emotions and she knew that Carina would listen and would help her in every way she was capable of. “Can we talk about your day first so I can collect my feelings for a second and tell you all about it after?” Maya asked, her eyes never leaving Carina’s, showing her that she meant it, she wasn’t going to shut down, she just needed a little more time.
Carina nodded, ready to put Liam into his crib but Maya stopped her “can I hold him while we talk? I haven’t seen him for hours.” Carina smiled; she couldn’t believe that this was the same woman who told her a few years ago that she just can’t do it. Her Maya had so much love to give that sometimes Carina could burst into tears because they came so far in every way. She handed Maya Liam and gave them a few minutes to adjust, just watching Maya talk sweet nothing to their son before softly saying “I completely lost it when you left.”
And Maya immediately looked at Carina worriedly, silently telling her to go on. “I—I haven’t been able to sleep at all. I already love him so much, I didn’t think I could love this fast and so hard, I always wanted kids. I always was worried though, I was always worried that I would somehow turn cold or leave just like my mamma did. There was always this worry. And I only realized it went away when we got serious. I saw you; I saw how you could love and how you make me feel so safe in every way that somehow, I knew, you would take care of us. You would be the person holding us together and then I saw it all. Having a family with you, being pregnant; I realized I always truly wanted it all, I was just scared and never with the right person until I met you bambina. And since I got the papers handed in the barn, since then my mind went into every direction. What if they’d take away Liam? What if I am a bad doctor? What if you’d think the same? What if you’d leave me again? I can’t lose you bambina, I can’t lose you again I—.”
Maya shifted Liam a little to take Carina into her arms; looking a little awkward but making it work somehow. “Hey hey breathe with us. Or with me, Liam fell asleep, so I don’t think you want to follow his little snores.”
Carina buried her head further into Maya’s arms and giggled. She loved how easily Maya could do that without even trying. “Remember when you said I am your conscious? You are mine bambina. In every way. You make me feel safe and loved and I want to make it clear that you didn’t do anything that you aren’t making me question anything. I just got into my head.”
“Why didn’t you come to me sooner my love? I am not trying to judge you or anything, but I genuinely want to know. I knew you didn’t sleep well, I caught you on the couch a few times and felt you tossing and turning. I wanted you to process, give you space but why didn’t you tell me?” Maya asked softly, running her fingers over Carina’s back to tell her that she is there, she isn’t judging, and just wants to comfort her.
“I felt like not talking about it made it seem less real. I was scared to go over the papers with anyone, because what if I in fact did something wrong and ruined that mamma’s and child’s life forever. I didn’t consciously not tell you, if that makes sense. During the day it was in the back of my mind because I was distracted, you, Liam, the house, work. But at night I spiraled. And you just learned to rest again, and I don’t even know how to explain any of it, and I should have just talked to you. I know I should have.”
“I am not blaming you in any way but we are in this together. We will not go down without a fight. You got me and Liam. We will support you and love you and help you in every way we can.”
“I—I went to see Bailey, like an absolute crazy person. I—bambina it’s not that I don’t trust you I hope you know that but—”
“Bailey has experience. She’s been at the same situation before too?”
“Yes. And she went over everything with me. I didn’t I didn’t do anything wrong Maya. I didn’t.”
“I never doubted that for a second. You are brilliant. You are loving and caring and you always put everyone else first. I know mistakes can happen, but you’d never do anything on purpose or against your knowledge and gut. You are brilliant. And everyone would be lucky to have you as their doctors.” Maya said, kissing Carina’s forehead. “We love you. We are so proud of you.”
“I am sorry for not saying anything.” Carina repeated, her voice still teary. “Enough about me. What’s bothering you bambina?” Carina said looking at her sleeping son and then at her wife’s troubled expression.
“Never enough about you.” Maya tried to somehow lighten her own mood, but it didn’t quite work. “I told you we were at pride today right.”
“Oh no, I totally forgot I am so sorry my love I wanted to be there, to show off and represent us and our love and our family it totally crossed my mind with the lawsuit.”
“Hey, you are okay, we will go to every single one until we are old. But there were protests, protests against us, against our love, against our family. And…” Maya looked at Liam trying to steady her breathing. “Mason was there. As in my brother Mason. He… he was with the protestors.”
“Bambina…” Carina tried to talk but realized that Maya wasn’t done talking yet and needed to get it all out, so she looked at her, took her hand and softly run her thumb over the back of Maya’s hand to show her that she was there, that she was listening, that she wasn’t alone. She knew that Maya sometimes needed physical touch rather than words for comfort and to stay present. Liam’s little snores were another reminder for Maya to stay present.
“I don’t blame him. Not fully. I am shocked. I am I don’t know sad? I never thought about being a mom, I never let my mind go there ever, I never thought it was something that I wanted. But now all I can think about is how do I protect my family, how do I protect you, Liam and us. We are a family just like everyone else. We deserve to be seen and celebrated and we deserve to love and be loved. How do I keep you safe when there is so much threat within our own families?”
“Our family is safe bambina because you keep us safe. But you can’t save everyone, even if you want to, even if it’s tearing you apart. You cannot save them all. I know how much Mason means to you. I know how much you love him. And I can’t even know how you must feel seeing him there after all these years. Did he see you?”
“I—I tried to talk to him, but he ran away. He always runs.”
“Hmm… I know someone else who had to unlearn that.” Carina smiled. “I am sorry. I am sorry that I cannot fix this for you, and I am sorry that you still have so many open wounds that aren’t easily fixable. I wish I could take away all the pain your father left. And I wish you could get closure in every way you deserve.”
Maya’s tears were freely running down her cheeks, pulling Carina as close as she could. “You already fixed so much more than you think.”
“We will get there bambina. We will slowly unlearn what we’ve been taught. We are not our father’s mistakes.”
“And you are a brilliant doctor, something your father could never be.”
“We will be okay as long as we have our family. As long as we have each other, as long as we keep loving and talking.”
“Can we talk more tomorrow? All I need are cuddles and more cuddles. And you need sleep and Liam probably needs food soon, so do we.”
Carina smiled proudly. “We will talk more tomorrow.”
“We will. Pizza?”
“Pizza from Giovanni’s and cuddles in bed, and some formula for our son.”
Maya laughed. “Giovanni’s it is. Get comfy and I will order us some food. And for now, we will just rest.”
“I love you Maya Deluca Bishop.”
“I love you Carina Deluca Bishop.”
“And we love you Liam Deluca Bishop.” Maya said and handed Carina their son, so she could order their Pizza.
She smiled. The world was messy and scary, but her home was safe and loving and while they weren’t done talking just yet, she knew they’d figure it out together.
It’s always going to be them.