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Come in! Or Nellie will think we’re going for a walk.
It’s been so easy, getting to know Nick, even with the butterflies fluttering around your stomach since the very first time you saw him. You never worry too much with him, because it feels like he likes hanging out with you just as much as you do with him. He answers quickly in dm’s; sometimes even sends you a message first.
Nick cares. Feels like he did from the moment you talked.
Now you’re here, at his house, on his invitation to meet his dog, and while the nerves are still there, Nick’s soft voice invites you in and calms them.
Once filled up on drinks and snacks, he invites you upstairs, moves past several doors - mum’s. my brother’s - until you reach his door in the nook of the house.
Nick’s room is spacious, almost twice the size of your own room, and somehow it feels quintessential Nick but also not. It’s very blue with sprinkles of yellow, generic rugby posters on the wall, his clothes maybe a little put up too neatly and you wonder a little if he did that just for you.
You haven’t been to many boys’ rooms in recent times, hanging out at Tao’s place mostly whenever the film nights roll around, but here’s a new room, of the boy you have been liking so much for weeks. This room feels stereotypical boy. It smells a little grassy, his rugby bag and shoes clearly set up for a good clean next to the door.
That is, until Nick reaches up to the plank installed above his television screen, and clicks on the strung up fairy lights.
They’re warm.
And you can’t help but smile, because Nick? He’s such a warm person to you. There are no conditions in his friendship, no ‘please don’t look at me in school’, no ‘we’ll never meet outside of classrooms’. It never feels like you need to jump through hoops with him. He invites you around, introduces his wonderful Nellie, lets you sit on his bed, and you beat him again and again at Mario Kart and he isn’t angry but in awe.
He gives out his compliments to you in bulk and maybe, coming from him, you might even believe them.
If your unrequited crush remains just that, unrequited, then at least you thank the universe for giving you his friendship.
It’s so easy. It feels like breathing.
It feels like you can trust him.
---
When you start dating Nick after a whirlwind of weeks, in which it turns out your crush is very much requited, and you first kiss him, then cry over him, then sneak around with him and slowly tell your friends all about him, and almost break up with him, you reach a point of happiness you never knew was possible for you.
Nick’s got his GCSE’s coming, and you’re still around his house all the time; and it’s become easy to ring the door and his mother will let you in even when he’s still walking Nellie, telling you he’ll be back soon, feel free to go upstairs . At first, it felt strange, and impeding on his privacy, to be in his room alone. But you’ve been here so many times now that you even somehow have become part of his room. The extra mug always ready on his night table; a pen of yours you must’ve forgotten after a particularly intense tickling turned kissing bout; a glimpse of his open closet with empty coat hangers of where Nick’s hoodies used to be; a photo of the two of you in a photobooth with kissing smiles on Nick’s bedroom wall just above his bed.
Nick takes pictures of you when you’re hanging out and puts them on his wall for everyone to see.
And when he arrives back at home, and you surprise him in his room, it’s like he didn’t even expect you to be there even though you very much did send him a message you’d be there soon to help him with his Maths GCSE. Nick pulls you in his arms, and does what he has taken up to do lately: sweeps you off your feet in a move reminiscent of a gentle rugby tackle and you giggle out a Nick! and Nick mutters a soft hi , before putting you on his bed and kissing you senseless.
You don’t think you would ever want to be anywhere else but here; in Nick’s arms, in his room, on his bed.
The world is calm when you're there.
---
The evening after Nick’s Maths GCSE, you run over to his house, your parents’ stupid nonsensical rules be damned. Your boyfriend is in need of support, and you know just what would help.
If there’s anything you’ve noticed about Nick in the months you’ve been together, it’s that when you hug him, his shoulders sag, and he hides his face in your neck and inhales, and it’s as if he’s at a low battery level being charged up when he’s right there. And well, it’s not as if it’s not mutually beneficial.
Back in Nick’s room, you laugh and tease, but truly you were never not going to give Nick the win of the film choice this time around after the day he’s had.. Nellie clearly feels the same, staying close and seating herself right between you two, wagging her tail a little before settling down.
Nick pulls you towards his chest, and while it’s a nice gesture it’s also a dangerous one because you know it’s been a long, strenuous day, and maybe you’ve been anxious too with his GCSE coming up. You wanted it to go well so badly for him that you couldn’t even concentrate in class, spending your break in the art room again. And hearing his heartbeat softly, feeling his warmth as if he’s your own personally attuned furnace, and his soft chuckles at whatever Marvel superhero is making a humorous quip, it makes it all up for it.
You don’t even notice falling asleep until Nick stirs a little, causing you to look up. Your initial thoughts always turn to embarrassment, but Nick shows nothing but good natured teasing and offers to make you dinner. The thought of that is too much; it’s not a conversation you’re at all ready for, and you’ll settle for tea.
It is strange, not having Nick in here; the room is not complete without him in it, but at least beautiful Nellie adores your scratches. It’s crazy really, how easily Nellie warmed up to you too. It’s as if she sensed so early that you’re a friend. She’s as much a part of this room feeling the way it does as Nick is; that it’s a safe space, to breathe and relax.
But maybe that’s naive thinking, because Nick’s brother David comes in and Nellie growls; the atmosphere changes immediately and he reminds you a little of Harry, with his smiles, and nice talk, but so unpredictable. It’s so tense, and you get reminded of the photos on the wall, and you don’t know if David’s seen them before and whether he would be accepting of the feelings you have for his brother. It’s a relief when Nick comes in so quickly.
Your heart sinks to the pit of your stomach when David’s accusing you of ‘turning’ Nick gay. You promised yourself Nick would have a better go at coming out than you did, you would protect him from any harm that would come his way. But the way David’s responding makes you unable to move, a feeling so reminiscent of just a little over a year ago that it scares you.
You see in the lines of Nick’s shoulders that he’s scared, but making himself bigger not to show it.
The room feels even more empty than it did before when they storm off, arguing the entire way down.
You should’ve never come here, not today, not when you knew Nick didn’t want you around his brother.. Instead of helping him come out on his own terms, you just forced him to. And he got a biphobic rant as a result. You didn’t even intervene, never pushed his brother back.
Really, truly.
This is just your fault.
---
It angers you that Nick’s room has that memory assigned to it now. It keeps you from breathing whenever you think of it.
Nick is kind, and lovely, and sends you lots of hearts. He makes sure that David’s gone before inviting you over again.
At least we don’t have to hide now, he says, whilst you’re hiding in the school supply room, if anything this reaction is kind of what I expected of him anyway. He never really cared for anyone but himself.
You kiss him softly on his temple, hoping he feels how much you do care. You care so much it aches.
He deserves so much better than this.
---
Somehow your luck has run out in the next few days, with Coach Singh catching you in the gym supply room. You’re scared when Nick tells you Coach has asked to come in and see her, but all good he smiles when meeting you outside school.
But the end of term for Nick is approaching soon, his final exam just hours away, with a party announced for the woods. He’s been psyching himself up to tell his rugby mates, or at least those he actually had cared for, and you told him it’s okay if it didn’t work out and that it’s allowed to take time to say it, but Paris is in close proximity and even you can’t deny the prospect of being out with a boyfriend there is something that thrills you.
Nick finishes his exam with a flourish, excitedly telling you he got a question on ionic compounds! and the meeting about the Paris trip is fun and promises so much. Girls and boys can’t share rooms. Being gay does have its perks.
At night, Nick’s walking around with a headache. You wonder if it’s just that.
You lose him at some point, being pulled apart by rowdy teenagers and you only find him with a very pale face and with Harry blasting in his ear. It feels a little like redemption as you push him away and tell him to piss off. You couldn’t do it before, but the anger and frustration bubbles to the surface now. You need to protect Nick.
When you see his face, you know it’s time to go. It doesn’t take long for Sarah to arrive when you call her, gently shaking Nick awake from his spot on your shoulder. Back at his place, you start making tea out of nervousness, not sure if you’re allowed to see him but also not wanting to leave without knowing how he’s doing. Sarah’s fond and tells you he’s got a sunstroke probably . You’re not sure you would agree, but she’s a doctor and might know best.
You won’t say it’s nice to see Nick curled up with a frown on his face, but let’s be honest, it’s rather cute to see him seemingly sleeping for once. He looks so small. And it does feel nice, brushing his hair a little, taking care of him. Nick might seem like a closed off enigma to most people, but to you he’s so easy to read and you always know what helps; a good snuggle almost works like paracetamol for him.
It’s funny that in all the feeling unwell Nick has felt all night, he still managed to notice the Harry incident. And you remember feeling strong and confident when you did so, because that’s what Nick deserves; a boyfriend who sticks up for him. He’s an athletic boy but he’s not invincible, and you find out increasingly how vulnerable he can be. He beats himself up for not being able to come out, and apparently he thought he had promised you somehow - something you must’ve missed entirely, lying in his arms on the beach.
The promise doesn’t matter to you, and it’s time to let him free of it. You’d go to the ends of the world if he needed you to, of that you’re sure. Nothing would stand in your way. It’s so early in his journey. He can take his time, and Paris will still exist when he does; always an excuse for a do-over if need be. For now, lowkey is enough.
It will be enough.
Even though in the back of your mind a voice is whispering.
Please. Let me have this, this time.
It feels a little pathetic, and so unfair, how can you even feel such a thing. And if not for Nick, sweet, gentle Nick asking in the safety of his bed, maybe saying it out loud would be scarier. You’re slowly learning, maybe even relearning, that it’s okay to want what you want.
But Nick softly sniffles, and his breathing evens out.
It’s a bit of a relief that he didn’t hear.
---
Weeks later, you come to the conclusion, that whatever place may exist in the world - and you’ve seen a few new ones in the past couple of weeks - none of them measure up to this, a room of which its existence you were not even aware of months ago; on Nick Nelson’s bed in his bedroom, in the arms of the boy you’ve been adoring and growing up with.
You never knew happiness like this would be available to you. It was always something that might happen in the future, when you’re an adult, with freedom to live in places where queer people made their home. But the universe had another trick up its sleeve after a year you’d rather not think of at all ever again, and sat you next to him in form.
You find it difficult to articulate what Nick means to you. It’s been so long since you’ve felt so secure. Maybe you never did. But tonight, you told him that you wanted to leave a party, and he invited you home. He invited all of your friends, made sure one of your friends in her darkest days had a safe place to come to and celebrated at his house instead. You could kiss him without fear of whispers, and that’s becoming so easy now when around the people you love the most in the world. Dancing in view of everyone at prom scared you, but here, you pull him close, wrapping your arms tightly around his waist, slowly swaying round and round.
And it’s okay. There are no voices. No looks. Just him.
And when Tao asked if you were going to walk home with them, no worries we will take the long route , you look at Nick helping Darcy with her bags, hearing him whisper if you ever needed a place to stay, you have one here, making her smile, and told Tao you’re going to stick around a while longer.
Nick almost immediately falls asleep when you hit the bed, and you curl up beside him. The nicest moments you can have with him is just being around, breathing, not saying anything at all. And you hate to interrupt it but realistically you have to leave within 15 minutes if you want to make it home in time for your curfew. Leaving Nick always takes a bit longer than you expect.
He kisses you and it’s cute, so cute, how much of a homebody Nick is, and how much he wants you to be there too.
But you need a moment away from him otherwise you’d never leave, and while it’s almost worth your mother’s wrath in the moment, you do really want to see him tomorrow too.
The trophees on a shelf above his desk always catch your eye, and you never really got around to asking about it, but you want to know Nick and all that there is to know. You’ve gotten closer and closer lately, with his father and his brother around. It’s been difficult to navigate, and all you could do is stand by him really. And now Nick tells you of his crush as a little boy, only twelve, on his rugby instructor.
The free way he talks of his attraction to guys now is wonderful really, flashing back briefly to when he cried in your arms in your bedroom, and it makes it even more difficult to leave this night. It’s been so nice. So nice. You keep looking at his sweet, handsome face when sitting down. It’s nice to just watch, evidence of Nick’s feelings for you in photos stuck on his wall.
You never told me about the bullying. What that was like.
In one second to the next, your heart sinks like a stone into your stomach.
You try to divert, to laugh it off, but Nick won’t let you, not this time. It’s like he can see right through you.
You don’t have to be perfect with me .
Your heart is beating so fast that you curl up to make it calm down, and you really don’t want to do this. This would change things, and you’re not ready for it.
He takes your hand and reminds you of your mutual promise, to always tell each other when stuff is going on, and he already knows a little and he’s been so good about it. It reminds you of his hand holding yours in the Louvre, and all he wants is to understand you. He’s given you his trust so many times.
You have to trust him now. So you tell him. Everything. It’s not easy, your fingers can’t help but shake a little in Nick’s hand, and you feel like it might overwhelm you all over again. But you tell him.
Even the worst.
It’s a feeling, an urge, you never want to experience again.
You almost can’t look at Nick, but you have to, and his eyes show tears waiting to fall. You can’t bear to see that, and luckily, Nick pulls you in close just in time. You hold him tightly, gripping your fingers into his shoulder when you feel his tears on your shirt, and you’re glad you can tell him you’re not doing it anymore because you know it would worry you the most too with him.
It’s scary pulling back, because everything is different now, and you hurt him by telling him, he’s crying like you haven’t seen him do before and you’re sorry, once again, like you feel all the time. He shouldn’t have to deal with this, with whatever happened to you. You don’t want him to see you differently.
Nick’s asking you to tell him whenever you feel as bad as you did back then, and it’s a wonderfully sweet gesture, but it’s alright, you can deal with it, you would only hurt him again by telling him, you’re sure of that. You’ve got it under control now. You’re not fragile.
And you don’t know how he does it, every single time, his words so sweet and loving, telling you how much he’s leaned on you and how it all was possible just because you held his hand through it.
Like, you’re my boyfriend. Char, can you just please, please promise me?
You can’t help but soften because of it, because Nick is so serious about you and you can feel it so deeply now. And, even if in the moment you’re not quite sure if you will be able to when the time comes, you do agree, because you feel so serious about him too. It’s a promise to try. You will try.
Nick’s kiss on your forehead overwhelms you with warmth, and you only feel his lips and his fingers scratching the back of your head. You don’t think you would ever feel the same for anyone else again.
It’s been heavy, so heavy, and hearing Nick give his signatory smiling huff makes you feel so light, like there’s nothing looming over you two for now, no unspoken secrets anymore. It’s out there, and Nick tells you once again he loves your hair. And it’s so stupidly cute and funny, because he’s been very open about it before, but it works because you can laugh again too and you can’t believe that that would even be possible after all you told him just now.
But it is. You can laugh at his blatant attempts to make you feel good, and since it’s Nick, they are so sincere.
I love… and Nick just looks at you.
The walls of Nick’s bedroom don’t cave in. His warm fairy lights aren’t flickering off. You can feel the warmth of his skin beneath his dress shirt.
In your head, you finished the sentence. Nick’s mother comes in before you can even respond.
He offers to walk you home, but you smile at him and tell him you’ll be alright. You’ll see him tomorrow. And perhaps even the day after because summer has officially arrived. He watches you put your shoes back on, and walks towards his chair to pull his sweater off it and offers it to you. For the journey back home, he says, it must be cold by now , whilst you are in the midst of summer, but really, you know it’s because he knows you better than anyone else.
You’re safe in here, this space which Nick made home for him and you. His jumper is just a little part of him to keep with you.
Guess that’s just what love can do. What love could be.
For you.