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Buck was born with two left feet.
That was just a fact he had learned to embrace after making ridicule out of himself in his senior prom when all his friends laughed at his attempt to slow dance with Gabby Turner.
He lost count of the many times he apologized after tripping on her heels and dancing as stiff as a surfing board.
He tried, alright? He did.
He watched YouTube videos on his phone and tried to follow the guy’s instructions, but he was also speaking in Spanish for some weird reason and Buck was over it by minute one.
So Gabby hated dancing with him, and he never tried it again. If he went out, he would normally jump around and get so shitfaced he could care less how weird he looked while dancing.
But now? As he made sure Maddie’s wedding went exactly like she wanted it, he avoided the conversation as much as he could.
But time was running out and he couldn't seem to escape Maddie’s claws so easily.
“Come on, it’ll be fun!”, she insisted, her eyes sparkling as she placed her hand on his knee.
Yeah, Buck really didn't think so.
“I can't dance, Maddie. You know I can't dance”, he laughed, “You sure you just don't want to skip it–maybe dance with Chim instead?”
Maddie threw her head back on the couch, groaning, “Evan, please, and of course I’m dancing with my soon-to-be husband, but you're my blood, you know? It’s different. It's us.”
Buck smiled at her words.
It's us.
He couldn't have worded it better. It was always them. Except, Maddie was building her own family, and Buck, well…
Buck was single.
Again.
Buck was alone.
Again.
Buck was being left behind.
Again.
He couldn't say that, though. He would never voice that to Maddie. Not weeks away from her special day. Making it about himself was selfish, and Buck was anything but selfish.
Still. He couldn't help it. The way she smiled every time someone mentioned her wedding. She was happy. So happy. And so different from the first time. He couldn't help but feel jealous of that happiness, wondering if he would ever feel it too and if he did, with who?
Well, the answer was freaking obvious already.
Of course, every time he closed his eyes and tried to imagine it, Eddie would be by his side. No one made him feel so giddy and special as Eddie did. His brown eyes with flecks of green shone so bright every time he laughed. His facial expressions every time Buck would question the stupidest things in the world. Yet, they were never of exasperation or shamefulness.
It was pure fondness, and Buck could never get tired of it.
“Can we get Evan Buckley down to earth, please?”, Maddie suddenly said, an amused smile on her face.
Buck blinked. “What?”
She laughed, shaking her head, “What were you thinking about? I've been talking alone for like five minutes…”
“Sorry, Mads. It's-uh, it's nothing. So, dancing. Us. Together. I still don't think it's a good idea. I-I have two left feet, Maddie. It'll be a disaster”, he said instead, distracting her from a conversation Buck wasn't ready to be confronted about yet.
“Listen, there's a few weeks left for the wedding. Why don't you take classes?”, she shrugged, “It wouldn't hurt.”
“You guys ever taken dance classes?”, Buck asked over the headset as they made their way over to a call.
They stared at him confused. Buck couldn't blame them. They were talking about Bobby’s famous lasagna when he popped the question.
It was kind of eating him alive, okay? Taking classes to learn how to dance? Wasn't that a little bit…ridiculous?
“Is this about my wedding?”, Chimney asked, a smirk slowly growing into his mouth.
Buck rolled his eyes. “Yes, Chimney. Maddie wants to do the brother-sister dance instead of the father-daughter since our parents are MIA, so…”
Hen hummed, “I’ve known you for almost seven years and I've never seen you dancing. Isn't that weird?”, with a teasing smile on her face.
“That’s because I can't. Have you ever seen Eddie dance?”, he asked defensively, moving his hand towards him.
Eddie frowned, almost offended, “Diaz’s are born dancers, thank you very much.”
Buck scoffed, “Born dancers?”
He's known Eddie for almost six years. If Eddie could dance, he would know it by now. Because he would probably be drooling all over the ground.
Anyways–
“Bachata. Salsa. Merengue. Tango. Two Step-”, he pointed out with his fingers, “-I could go all day…”,
Holy. Fuck.
Eddie with a cowboy hat. Eddie with a cowboy hat. Eddie with a cowboy hat. Eddie with a cowboy hat.
“Two Step?”, Chimney asked, clearly intrigued and amused at the same time.
“Like I said, anything ”, he shrugged.
Hen cackled, “How about in a pole?”, she asked, an eyebrow raised.
Please don't say it. Please don't say it. Please don't say–
“Anything”, he answered, very slowly.
Buck needed to get the hell away from him. Eddie was consuming him whole. Suddenly, the space was too tight, and his thigh burned against his, and every single hair on his body was on fire.
The truck halted to a stop, Buck opened the door and practically jumped out the truck with no care about how pathetic he may have looked.
He had other things to worry about.
Like placing enough distance between him and Eddie to avoid feeling his heart beating fast in his ears.
But of course, Eddie wasn't an asshole.
Of course, the first thing he would do after watching Buck make a complete fool out of himself is check on him.
He just couldn't get any more perfect.
“Hey, you good? You jumped right out…”, his hand rested on Buck’s arm, worry deep in his eyes.
Buck tried to smile. Hopefully convincing enough, “Yeah, I’m fine. Just-uh, really eager to get to work, you know?”, he cleared his throat.
Eddie stared at him with narrow eyes. Buck thought this was it. Eddie would finally figure out how he feels about him and probably never talk to him again because he couldn't be any more of a cliché.
Falling in love with your straight best friend with a girlfriend? Straight out of a Hallmark movie.
But he nodded, “Let’s go, then”, he said, patting him once and walking away.
Buck breathed out with relief, closing his eyes for just a second to steady his heart.
Breathing in, and breathing out.
Breathing in, and breathing out.
“Okay. RSVP’s. Let me pull out the list”, Maddie said, looking at her computer, “Uh, we got 46 confirmations, 10 maybe’s, and 13 who haven't answered…”
Buck glanced around her house, “You can fit more than 46 people here?”, he asked, bouncing his knee for Jee, a giggling mess every time she bounced.
“Of course I can. Should I send a reminder? Just so we can check this off the list, it's really bothering me…”
Buck shrugged, “Doesn't sound like a bad idea. Don't be too Bridezilla, okay? Just-just be chill…”
Maddie gasped, her mouth opened wide, “When am I ever Bridezilla? You were the one fighting with the florist about how you specifically needed my bouquet to be made out of Gladiolus flowers.”
“I picked it for a reason. You'll just have to wait and see why…”, he answered nonchalantly, not wanting to spill the surprise and risk the river of tears in Maddie’s face before her wedding day.
She shook her head, a smile on her mouth, “Can't imagine how you'll be at your wedding if this is how you get at mine…”
Buck’s smile vanished, and Jee squirmed from his leg as soon as his leg stopped bouncing, running away on her tippy toes.
Which, fair, he would also be running away from this conversation if he ever could.
Maddie, of course, sensed it. She walked towards him, sitting by his side and taking hold of one of his hands, “Hey. Talk to me.”
Buck spat a dry laugh, “It’s-it’s stupid…”,
“It’s not. C’mon, nothing you could say would ever sound stupid”, she nudged him with her shoulder. “Tell me what's going on inside here…”, she pointed at his head.
Buck breathed out shakily. “I-I don't know. It just feels like I’m stuck, you know? Always in the same place. I'm-I’m never moving forward or backwards, and every time I think I’m going somewhere…it ends, and then I’m alone, and-and it just feels like I’m drowning, over and over again, and when I try to reach out and breathe, I-I just can't…”
“And-and what if this is it, you know? What if this is all I’m ever going to get from my life? I mean, you're getting married, Mads, to-to someone who really loves you and has seen every single version of you and still is here, loving you. You-you have an amazing daughter, who you love so much and Jee is going to grow up so, so happy. I mean, Bobby and Athena, they've been through hell and back and they're still loving each other every day. Hen and Karen, choosing each other always even after the mistakes they've made. It's-it’s like everyone is building their lives and–”
“You’re still stuck”, she finished.
Buck nodded, “Yeah…”
“Evan, love isn't a race, and you're putting way too much pressure on yourself to reach the end. Love isn't something you find, it's something you build, every single day. It takes time and patience. And I promise you, you're never alone. I’m here. Next to you. And that won't change today, or on my wedding day, or ten years from now. United front, remember? Always and forever.”
He shook his head, “I’m sorry. I'm making this all about myself. I-I shouldn't–”
“No, stop. Don't do that. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m just glad we're doing this together, so you can't nag me when I’m ten times worse at yours”, she laughed, standing up and walking over to her computer.
“Funny you think I’m letting you plan anything at my wedding. You don't know the difference between Tres Leches and Crème Brûlée.”
Maddie frowned, getting even closer to the screen of her laptop, “They taste exactly the same…”, she answered vaguely.
Buck opened his mouth horrified, “Don't ever say that next to Eddie or Chris. They'll maul you to death”, he laughed, thinking of the Diaz boys and their intense love for their abuela’s Tres Leches that Buck had mastered in a couple of days.
Buck couldn't forget the way their eyes lit up as they ate. He was filled with compliments and one hug from Christopher that made his heart throb erratically.
The kid was growing, and if Buck could already feel his new-found disgust for affection, Eddie might be on the verge of tears every time Chris said he wanted to be left alone.
“Speaking of Eddie, didn't you say he was RSVP’ing for three?”, Maddie asked, frowning at him.
Buck forgot how to breathe. “Yeah, why…?”, he asked, moving quickly towards her and looking down at the laptop.
“He only saved two seats…”, Maddie shrugged, pointing at his email.
That couldn't be right. Buck offered him three. Eddie said it was fine. It was clearer than water that he was bringing Marisol, or that was just what he had assumed – that's why he offered.
“Let me call him really quick…”, he mumbled, taking his phone out and opening his favorites, and tried not to think so much about what that might mean for them.
It rang once before he heard his voice, “You have a sixth sense or something?”, he asked as a greeting.
Buck ducked his head, hiding his blush from absolutely no one, “Maybe I do when it comes to the Diaz’s. What's up?”, he said.
“So, I was picking up Chris, you know, like always, and I saw him, talking to this girl–”
“Uh-oh…”, he laughed.
“Shut up–so he was talking to her, and I had a line behind me, I had to hurry him up–”
“Nothing to do with jealousy, of course …”
“Of course–so I honked the horn and told him to get in. He straight up groaned in my face, like, seriously, groaned. Still got in. So I asked him who the girl was. You know what he said–he said it was his girlfriend. How old is he, again?”
Buck was really trying not to laugh in Eddie’s ear. “Thirteen…”, he still indulged him.
“Thirteen-years-old. I was doing my own laundry at thirteen. I was making eggs for my sisters at thirteen. I didn't have time for girlfriends at thirteen. He's a baby–a girlfriend ? Please tell me I’m right…”, he begged, Buck sucked in his lips at the tone.
“I-uh, I could tell you that…”, he cleared his throat, concentrating on one thing at a time. He could think about Eddie’s begging voice another time. Preferably when he was by himself. Not in his sister's living room. “Or I could also tell you that he's growing up and having partners is normal for teenagers. I could also tell you that the worst thing I did at thirteen was give Terry Miller a peck in the lips before we broke up cause my lips were chapped…”, he shrugged.
Terry Miller was the first guy Buck ever kissed. If a peck was considered a kiss…
They were alone in the park and it was quick and quiet, and Terry ran off before Buck could say he actually liked it. They never really dated. More like Terry told everyone Buck had kissed him and it was disgusting and his lips were chapped.
They called him “Chapped Buckley” for a week before everyone forgot and moved on to the next pre-teen who did something embarrassing worth the attention of a group of kids.
Eddie groaned, “I’m being my parents…”, he declared. Buck could see him thrown on his couch, drowning in his misery.
He couldn't help but smile and wish he was there.
“You’re not. You're just worried. But I can assure you, whoever the girl is, he'll forget about it next week. It makes him sound like a dick, but–”
“Pre-teens are dicks…”, Eddie finished, the sound of his lips moving to a smile Buck could visualize with his eyes closed and nothing but his ears made him feel tight in the chest.
It was kind of a privilege to be the one making him smile like that. In that soft way, when his eyes almost disappeared and his canines emerged from his lips.
And god, was he in love.
Maddie coughed from his back, making him turn around. She raised her eyebrows, expectant, and Buck remembered why he was even calling in the first place.
“Hey, uh, I was actually going to ask you something…”, he said, clearing his throat, biting on his lip anxiously.
He was met with silence and then a tussle of fabric. “Okay…”, his voice was strained for some reason, like something was in the middle of his throat.
“Uh, Ma-Maddie and I are, uh, checking off the guest list. I-I think you forgot to reserve for Mari–”
“Oh, uh, she's not coming. We called it off a couple of weeks ago, so… ”
Weeks ago? And he was finding out just now?
“What? I-I didn't know that. How–are you okay?”, he asked, even though his heart seemed to amplify in size as he let Eddie’s words sit in.
“Oh, no, yeah, I think we're friends, actually…”, a question more than a statement, “She’s been helping me, uh, realize , some stuff I was…I guess hiding from…in a way…”
Buck nodded, again, to absolutely no one. He tensed up, “But it's not like a friends-with-benefits kind of thing…right? I-I mean, you're both done…right? ”
He cringed. Yeah, no, this was pathetic. Maddie was probably laughing her ass off in his back. He couldn't blame her. He was being pathetic.
“No! No, no, nope…”, Eddie breathed out, quickly and shakily, “I’m a nester, remember? I-uh, I nest…for like, years…and stuff…sex and friends don't, uh, don't mix with me, you know? If-If I have sex it's because I love someone, like, in a relationship…with someone…”
Yeah. That made sense. Buck nodded. You had sex with a partner. Not a friend. Because that would be weird. So, yeah.
“Right. That makes, uh, that makes sense…”, he said to say something.
Silence. Again. It was torturing. And it made Buck want to air all of his feelings and call it a day, maybe rip the bandage off and then flee the state so he would never have to face Eddie’s rejection.
“Better to know than not know at all…”
Well, fuck whoever thought that made sense because he didn't want any part of it. He would much rather not know and stay in Eddie’s life as his friend than know how he felt and lose him forever.
He couldn't afford to lose Eddie. Nor Chris. They meant too much to him. They meant everything to him.
“So, uh, you're still thinking about taking those dance classes?”, Eddie asked, making Buck realize they hadn't hung up yet.
He huffed, tiredly. “I think I may have to stick with YouTube videos for now and try to not completely ruin Maddie’s wedding…”
Eddie laughed in his ear, Buck’s stomach flipping at the sound. “Listen, Chris has been begging for a sleepover, why don't you come over tonight? And I’ll help you find a place where you can take dance lessons…”
Like he could ever say no to a sleepover with Chris. Like he could ever say no to Eddie.
“Okay. I'll see you in a few hours…”, he answered, trying not to sound so giddish.
“Okay…”
The line disconnected, and Buck tucked his phone in his pocket, sighing heavily.
He turned around, facing his sister, to not find her on the table but on her couch, with two big glasses of wine filled to the rim.
A knowing look on her face and yeah, she had figured it all out. “Tell me everything… ”
Buck could sleep two days straight after that talk with Maddie. He knew it had been too much.
Maddie cried of happiness and then of sadness when he told her that, well, Eddie was totally fucking straight, and there was nothing else he could do but pretend it didn't rip his heart out to admit that out loud.
But it did.
Realizing that he could never have him the way he wanted to hurt more than he could ever imagine.
It hurt more than a fire truck crushing his leg. It hurt more than a tsunami trying to drown him. It hurt more than being hit by a stupid lightning bolt.
But instead of applying some distance and searching for a way to make his heart stop beating Eddie’s name every single day, he was on his couch, nursing a beer, and avoiding the thought of his thigh pressed up against Eddie’s.
“How about ballet classes? For 6 through 10-year-olds. Looking for a tutu your size, though…might take a while…”, Eddie sighed, shaking his head and hiding his teasing smile by looking at the laptop in his lap.
Buck scoffed, “You’re not funny. This is serious business. It's over for me. I'm going to look ridiculous and be the laughingstock at Maddie’s wedding”, he may or may not have pouted, his arms over his chest.
Eddie nudged his shoulder with Buck’s, “You can't seriously be that bad. Try dancing with my Tia Mirta. She was bad. Always moving me like a rag doll from one side to the other, and it was Bachata. You don't do that in Bachata.”
Buck smiled, imagining a smaller, skinnier Eddie dancing with his Tia. He must have been terrified.
He laughed, “I-I don't know, man. I tried dancing with Gabby Turner at my senior prom and she ditched me for Enzo Chavez, so…”
Eddie took a swing of his beer and then placed it on the coffee table before standing up, “Okay. Help me move this”, he pointed to the table.
Buck frowned, “Uh, why?”
“Just help me”, Eddie commanded.
Okay. That tone did something weird to Buck’s spine, but he still stood up and helped. They moved the coffee table out of the way, and Eddie stood in the middle of the free space, his hands on his hips.
“Show me what you know”, he said, nodding toward him.
Um, what now?
Buck felt exposed suddenly. There was too much space and Eddie was looking at him expectantly. Buck didn't know what to do.
Some fucking jazz hands?
“What…?”, he asked, frozen in his place.
“You said you watched some YouTube videos. You had to learn something…”, he waved at his body.
“Yeah, when I was seventeen, and trying to impress a girl. I'm thirty and dancing with my sister .”
“So, show me what seventeen-year-old Buck learned, then. C'mon, I'll help you”, he said encouragingly, waving his hand to Buck to come closer.
He gulped down the knot on his throat and took a few steps forward. He stood in front of Eddie, his hands fidgeting with each other. Eddie stared at him expectantly, waiting for him to do something.
“You guys just stared at each other? Make sense why she ditched you, then…”, he obnoxiously said, a teasing smile on his face.
Buck huffed, rolling his eyes, “Obviously not…”, he mumbled.
“Okay, then, do what you did with Gabby. I'm Gabby. You're you. You asked me out on a dance. I twirled my hair and said yes. We're in the middle of the dance floor. What are you doing?”, he stretched his arms out, hanging them in the air, “I’m Gabby. Not Eddie.”
Yeah, that was harder to see then to say.
Because all Buck could see was Eddie.
Eddie helping him out and making sure he didn't embarrass himself in front of everyone.
Eddie pretending to be a girl, so Buck wouldn't feel uncomfortable about touching him when all Buck wanted to was just that.
Touch him. Like he is just now.
And how could Buck not love him? Eddie was the moon and the stars, and the whole damn galaxy. How could Buck not touch him? When he was right here, disposed, and waiting for Buck to do so.
So, he did.
He got close, really close.
So close, he could feel Eddie’s breath tingling in his ear. He wrapped his hands around Eddie’s waist and felt how his hands dropped softly around his neck, just like Gabby’s did all those years ago.
Except the feeling was an entirely different thing. He was embarrassed in his senior prom. Embarrassed and awkward. Now, he wasn't embarrassed, somehow, Eddie’s arms around his neck were exactly where they were supposed to be.
Buck turned his head to face the hallway, not allowing himself to make eye contact that close to Eddie’s face. He couldn't risk glancing down at his lips and exposing himself in such an embarrassing way.
Eddie cleared his throat, “Okay. This isn't bad. What else did you do?”, he asked, moving his head to look at Buck, which left Buck not being able to do anything else but the same.
His breath hitched in his throat. At this distance, there wasn't anything Buck could do but inspect every single detail of his face.
The flicker of green in his eyes. The small mole under his eye. The shy stubble across his cheeks. Eddie was the most beautiful man to exist, and he was here, right in front of him. Yet, he couldn't be so out of reach.
“Uh, I tried to sway, but–”
Eddie groaned, Buck immediately letting go of him, “–oh my god, I’m so sorry, Eddie. I-I swear it was an accident–”
He laughed, shaking his foot, “Relax, Buck. I know. You're too tense. Just–watch me, okay? I'll be you, you'll be Maddie.”
He didn't give Buck any time to react before Eddie was manhandling him into the position he wanted, “My hand goes in your waist, yours on my shoulder. It gives you guys enough space to shit about the guests and how you can't wait to go home and sleep…”
Buck laughed as Eddie held his left hand and took it into his right one, gripping it tight. He smiled triumphantly, like the sole purpose of his comment was to make him laugh and Buck cracking up was the medal gold at the end of the race.
“Now, the man always leads the dance, which sounds a bit–”
“Sexist?”, he guessed.
Eddie nodded, “Yeah. So, the basic stuff you need to know is how to move your feet and hips, you don't move your hips, you'll look like something is plugged into your ass. Just follow my lead, alright?”, he said, Buck stifling a laugh so he could nod.
Buck glanced down at his feet, watching them move on their toes. That was all Eddie was using. His toes. His hips moved involuntarily yet in synchronization with the tip of his toes pushing themselves to the ground.
And as Buck tried to move his feet like Eddie’s, he felt more like a pregnant waddling woman. Eddie chuckled, “You’re too stiff, relax. Just use your toes. My hand on your waist makes you move where I want you to go…”
That shouldn't have Buck feeling so hot. Eddie and commands shouldn't mix. Eddie teaching him how to dance shouldn't mix because he was just being a friend – a really nice friend – but a friend, nonetheless.
“Okay, sorry…”, he breathed out, his eyes still trained on Eddie’s feet.
“It’s okay. Don't apologize, you're learning. You'll be a pro in no time…”
Eddie might as well just take out a ring and propose. Buck was done for. Buck was in. All the constant reassurance made him feel so giddish and significant. Eddie always knew what to say.
“There's nobody in this world that I trust with my son more than you...”
“You act like you're expendable, but you're wrong…”
“You can have my back any day…”
“You see, you got it nailed. Try looking at my eyes, it’ll make you look more confident”, Eddie said, his hand squeezing reassuringly and his dimples popping out as Buck glanced up.
Jesus. Christ.
Buck could get lost in his eyes a thousand times and never get tired of it. There wasn't a place or thing he would rather do than this.
Being here, with Eddie.
One look at his eyes and the rest of the world seemed to vanish, and problems no longer existed.
Maybe he was being too dramatic. But it really felt like it. Eddie made him feel so much.
“This-this is weird, right…?”, he asked, breathing out shakily.
Buck’s bubble burst, and the world and the problems came into focus just as quickly as they left.
And because Buck was a masochist until his dying breath, he had to ask, “Weird, like, bad weird or…”, he trailed off, scared of the answer.
“No! No. Not bad weird. It's just, you know, we-we don't usually do this, uh, this type of stuff, so…”, he choked a laugh.
Buck nodded, smiling quickly before glancing down at their feet, moving together at Eddie’s rhythm.
“You trust me, right?”, he asked suddenly.
Buck glanced up so fast, nodding with no hesitation. It wasn't something Eddie should ever doubt about Buck. “Of course I do.”
Eddie smiled. It was one of those smiles that only Chris could ever take out of him. Almost like adoration.
Eddie was smiling like that at him ? Buck didn't want to think about that when he couldn't react to it in the way he so needed to – stuffing his head in his pillow and screaming until his lungs gave out.
He grabbed both of Buck’s hands, pushed him out in front of him, and then spun Buck with his left hand. Buck’s right hand dropped in his shoulder and then suddenly, Buck sucked out a breath as he was being dipped down. Eddie’s arm was unwavering as he held Buck’s weight.
It lasted at least three seconds before Eddie straightened him up again, but for Buck, it lasted hours.
He was being held.
Held in a steady, strong, loyal, fearless, amazing arm by an amazing man and Buck seriously could not be more in love with him.
Buck stumbled as he recovered from the dip, Eddie holding him up, “You okay?”, he chuckled deeply and darkly.
“Ye-yeah”, Buck breathed out, smiling quickly and trying to mask his heart eyes however he could. “That was, um…unexpected…”,
Eddie glanced at his lips, wetting his own–
Wait. What?
It was now that Buck suddenly realized the zero distance between them, and if he leaned in, he could easily kiss Eddie senselessly until his lungs screamed for air.
But Buck wasn't thinking about kissing him. Not until Eddie stared down at his lips and wet his own.
As if, he wanted them to kiss.
As if, he wanted a kiss from Buck.
Eddie’s hands caressed Buck’s arms softly, comfortably. The action was new, but the feeling felt old – felt known, and then he stared down at his lips, again.
But why was Eddie staring down at his lips if not to kiss them? Why was Eddie wetting his own, his never-chapped lips if not to prepare them for a wet, maybe dirty, or maybe soft, first kiss? Why was Eddie’s breath fanning and mixing with his if not to kiss? Why was Eddie standing up on his toes and leaning in and glancing between his lips and eyes for confirmation, for consent if not to kiss?
Why was Eddie, a straight man, leaning in and wetting his lips if not to kiss him?
Buck stumbled out of his arms, pushing himself and Eddie away, “What are you doing?”, he breathed out, maybe a little more harshly than he was expecting to come out.
Eddie cleared his throat, a hand brushing his face. He shook it, covering his mouth, “No-nothing…”, he answered.
Nothing?
Nothing?
Nothing.
Buck shook his head, “You were-you were going to–”
“I think you should leave.”
Buck froze. “Eddie–”
Eddie shook his head, waving his hand to stop Buck from talking, “You-uh, you seemed to get the hang of it, so-”, his hand fell onto his thigh hard, the sound rumbling along the room, “-and I have to wake up early tomorrow…”, his eyes were cast down to the carpet, refusing to make any contact with Buck, “you know the way out…”, he nodded at the door, turning around and walking towards the hallway.
“Eddie–”
“Night, Buck.”
The door shut loudly, and silence filled the entire room, and the only thing Buck could hear was his own heart, slowly breaking and throbbing. His eyes watered instantly.
A shaky breath fell from his mouth as he grabbed his jacket from the hangar and opened the door quickly, running away from what may be the end of his most important friendship in the whole wide world just because he was scared.
Eddie wanted to kiss him, right?
Eddie wanted to give him the one thing Buck’s been dreaming about for as long as he can remember and he just rejected it–not just rejected it, but, probably made Eddie feel disgusted and wrong for the way he rejected it.
Stumbling back like Eddie was some poisonous disease? Asking what he was doing in such a cruel and harmful way?
He hadn't meant it. Of course, he hadn't.
He would never, ever, shame someone for whom they love. Especially not Eddie. Never Eddie.
But he was straight, wasn't he? That was the sole reason Buck pushed back.
Eddie had a kid. He was married to Shannon and then dated Ana, and then Marisol, and in between that, he went out with the dates his Tia set him up with. Eddie never gave Buck any signals of anything about anyone other than a woman.
Was Buck just completely stupid and had missed all those signs? Or was Buck somehow a type of experiment for Eddie to wonder if there was any way he could ever like a guy?
But he didn't want to think that. Buck knew who Eddie was – or at least he thought so – but, if there was one thing he could be sure of it definitely was that Eddie would never intentionally hurt Buck.
Not like that. Not like Buck just hurt Eddie.
“Where’s Eddie?”, Hen asked, as she stood by Chimney’s side as his best woman. Buck’s eyes snapped up, feeling the eyes of everyone else in Maddie’s backyard on him.
“Why’s everyone looking at me?”, he asked defensively.
Chimney scoffed, “Maybe because you two are always attached to the hip? Jee’s supposed to sit with him.”
Well, maybe that was before Buck completely ruined their friendship, and haven't said a word to each other in the few passing days. Or more like Eddie dismisses him every time Buck tries to talk to him about it and then the truck is filled with unnecessary tension that everyone pretends to ignore to avoid any possible fight brewing between them.
“I think Eddie can remember Jee’s supposed to sit in his lap after she throws a few flowers, Chim. He didn't have to come over for that”, he answered, trying not to sound too bothered that the real reason why Eddie wasn't here was because he didn't want to be near him.
Hen cleared her throat, alleviating the tension in the backyard, “He’ll be fine, Chim. Can we start this?”
“Please…”, Athena voiced from her seat. Bobby smiled, endeared, and stood in between Chim and Maddie.
Buck, who had been standing next to Maddie as her man of honor, moved, with a clipboard in hand to the small pathway of grass between the seats.
“Okay, uh, Jee walks in with the flowers, drops a few, makes everyone swoon, and then Eddie will pick her up and hold her, then Maddie and I will walk in, together, and Bobby uses his amazing words to make everyone cry so Hen can give Chim the ring, I give Maddie hers, and then Bobby marries you guys and we call it a day. Understood?”, he explained, really briefly and quickly.
“Yes…”
Buck nodded satisfied, “Okay! Let's start from the top.”
Invitations? Check.
Flowers? Check.
Wedding dress? Check.
Tuxedos? Check.
A happy Maddie?
Buck turned around, watching her laugh, her eyes merely visible from the huge smile on her face, her pearly white teeth shining so happily.
Definitely check.
Brother-sister dance?
Well, he had practiced on his own. Not with Maddie, though, and definitely not with Eddie.
That didn't mean Buck wasn't dreaming of it. His rough yet grounding hand on his hip. His fingers slightly dug into his skin, making him shiver. His arms holding him back, not letting him fall.
Buck had thought about that night every day, thinking how different he would've reacted knowing what he knew now.
But what did he know?
Someone cleared their throat, startling Buck from his thoughts and making him whip his head around, “You ready to teach me your dance moves?”, Maddie asked him with narrowed eyes, challenging him to say no.
“I can teach you what you can expect from me tomorrow…”, Buck offered, an apologetic smile on his face.
He really tried, okay? But this time, he would be leading, and he would be the rough yet grounding hand on her hip, and Buck didn't know if he wanted that.
Maddie’s smile was worth it as she squealed, her eyes shining with unshredded tears, “Okay, c'mon! Show me what you learned!”
Maddie all but dragged him into the middle of her backyard, where the makeshift dance floor was created.
A small platform Buck had rented for the wedding day. It arrived early and with the help of Bobby and Chimney and the delivery guys who brought it in, they moved the platform to the backyard, ready to be used tomorrow.
“You never told me where you took the dance lessons…”, Maddie said, smiling as Buck placed his hand on her waist and hers on his shoulder, holding her left hand on his right one.
Buck swallowed, easily following into step, just like Eddie taught him, “I, uh, I didn't”, he kept it vague, hoping Maddie would drop it off.
He should've known better. “I thought you said Eddie was going to help you search some places…”, she asked, not following along.
“We tried. Couldn't find anything that didn't require me to wear a tutu and be six years old.”
Maddie laughed, “Okay, but you're dancing. So, you watched some videos or what?”, not ready to drop the topic off.
Fine. Might as well just spill the beans now.
“Eddietaughtme”, he spilled with a cough.
Maddie frowned, “What?”, she asked.
Fucking Christ.
Buck glanced around, making sure they were alone. He breathed out, “Eddie taught me–”
“He what!?”, she screeched loudly.
Buck hissed, shutting her up. Maddie covered her mouth, eyes opened wide, “Shit-sorry, sorry…”, she whispered, cringing apologetic.
“Eddie taught you how to dance. Go on…”
Buck shrugged, looking at the so interesting butterfly in Maddie’s garden. No, it really was interesting. Maybe he should take a picture and figure out what type of butterfly it is. That would be an interesting project to do with Chris.
“Evan, Buck, c'mon. Stop dodging, and tell me.”
“There’s nothing to tell, Mads. He-he taught me to dance and that was it”, he shrugged, not meeting her eyes.
“Liar. But if you don't want to tell–”
“I think he tried to kiss me”, he choked out.
Definitely not his proudest moment. But he needed a second opinion, and no one better than your sister, right?
“He what!?”, she screeched, again.
“Maddie–”
“Sorry, sorry. I’ll stop screaming…”, she breathed in and out, and then nodded, “You said tried. What does that mean? He pulled away?”
Buck shook his head. Maddie frowned, “You pulled away?”, her eyes shut tight as she watched him nod, shaking her head, “You pulled–why ?”
“I-I don't know, I got scared. Not even a week ago I thought he was straight, and next thing I know he's inches close to my face and–I panicked, okay? What-what if it was just something from the moment? What if he was just, you know, experimenting, or whatever…”
Maddie frowned, “You can't seriously think Eddie would ever do that to you, right?”, worry laced in her voice.
“He-he has a kid, Maddie. He was dating a woman about a month ago. There's-there’s never been any type of signs. I-I just can't afford to be wrong about him– about us. I do that, and I can ruin everything. We will never recover from it.”
“Michael also has kids and he's gay, Buck. Maybe he's just figuring it out or maybe he has known his whole life. You more than anyone know sexuality isn't linear for everyone, also, his family is catholic, maybe that has something to do with it…”, she shrugged.
She was right. Of course, she was right.
He nodded, freezing as her words finally set in, “Wait, how do you know Eddie’s family is catholic?”, he asked.
“We talk. Sometimes. He reached out after I came back from Boston. We bonded over our roles as oldest siblings and all that it entails, we also bonded over our love for my sweet baby brother and how much he always wants to protect you…”, her eyes misted with tears.
“Mads…”, he shook his head, not interested in filling his head–and heart, with ideas he wasn't sure were even real.
“I’ve heard the way he talks about you, Buck. He does love you. Maybe I’m wrong, or maybe I’m not, but the only way you know for sure is if you ask. Promise me, you'll ask. As my wedding gift”, she said, extending her pinky for Buck to lace.
“I already got you a wedding gift”, he frowned.
“Well, second wedding gift”, she insisted, “You deserve to be happy too, Buck. No one is better than the one you've been dreaming about day and night.”
Buck breathed out, blinking away the tears welling up in his eyes. “Okay, I promise.”
He laced his pinky with hers. “Ready for the grand finale?”, he asked, raising his eyebrows.
“Oh, grand finale…?”, she asked, intrigued.
Buck twirled her around and dipped her quickly, he smiled as she laughed, surprised. “Please tell me Eddie did that to you.”
He felt hot all of a sudden, trying not to think of Eddie dipping him down and his brown doe eyes staring at his.
His cheeks may have turned red as Maddie squealed, “Maddie–”
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! He's smooth with it too! I need to text him”, she detangled herself from Buck, running inside for her phone.
Text him? Text him!
“Maddie! Don't!”, he yelled, running after her.
Finally, the day was here.
The Buckley-Han house was filled with guests and a combination of white and pastel colors that reminded Buck a lot of Eddie’s pink beautiful suit that made his tanned skin and his pink cheeks look like Buck’s favorite meal in the entire world.
Buck just wanted to eat him up and get lost in his body, discover secret and shy parts of Eddie that made him shudder and breathe out and he wanted to drown in each and every moan, whisper, and pant that his lips could make.
Intoxicate himself with Eddie’s smell, hide in the crook of his neck, and never move again, not until his dying breath.
But now, he could just stare from a distance.
“You look so beautiful, Jee! Can I see you twirl?”, he asked, his voice soft and gentle as he kneeled to be at her same height, which probably was killing his old knees but he still was doing it because he cared, and that just may be the death of him.
Jee twirled as Eddie grabbed her hand to help her. He gasped as she finished, making her smile. He picked her up, covering her face with kisses and blowing raspberries that made her giggle and scream.
Buck felt his pants too tight and the need to take off his jacket. It was too hot in here–way too hot.
Eddie holding a baby was the best and worst thing he could've seen and if Buck kept staring at him, the bouquet in his hands was probably going to break and Buck didn't spend two hours straight fighting with that old hag – because she was a hag – just for him to destroy the beautiful and meaningful flowers in his hand.
“Okay, I’m done! You can come in!”, Maddie answered from the other side of the door.
Thank. Fucking. God.
Buck hid the bouquet on his back and opened the door slowly. His eyes were wide as he stared at Maddie in her wedding dress.
The dress wasn't white. It was pink, like Jee’s. The cut above her knees, and holding her waist tight. Her hair was curled, two strands held away from her face with a pink lace on the back. She looked absolutely beautiful.
“Deconstructing traditions, I’m loving it. You look amazing, Mads. It's-it’s pretty perfect.”
She smiled, misty eyes, “Yeah?”, she asked for reassurance, which Buck gladly gave her with a steady nod, “How much do you think Mom and Dad will hate it?”
“Oh, they'll be fuming”, he laughed, and honestly, he couldn't wait for their reaction.
Maddie nodded, almost proud of herself. Buck wanted to think she was. “Good.”
“Your bouquet is here…”, he said, still hiding it from Maddie’s view.
“Oh my god, let me see!”, she begged, hands screwed tightly together.
Buck pulled it out from his back, watching Maddie bring her hands over her mouth, gasping softly. It was a mix of pastel colors. Pink, white, yellow, and a peachy tone of Gladiolus flowers adorned her bouquet. A small white string attached them together.
“It’s beautiful, Buck”, she whispered, taking it in her hands, “Are you going to tell me why Gladiolus flowers?”, she asked, a smile on her face.
He smiled, wetting his lips to begin his explanation, “Gladiolus comes from Gladius, which is the Latin word for sword, because of their shape, but, uh, it's also a symbolization of overcoming challenges with strength and grace, and no one has been through hell and has come back with more strength than before, than you did, Maddie”, he said, her eyes tearing up, “They also represent remembrance. It's-it’s a way to honor the death of someone who passed away and meant a lot to you, you know, like–”
“Daniel”, she finished. A tear rolled down her cheek.
Buck whisked it away, nodding at her, “Yeah…I know I never got to meet him. But you did, and you spent a few years with him in your life, and then he died, and you were forced to act like he never existed, which is, completely fucked up for our parents to tell you to do, instead of grieving with you, they grieved with each other, and they cast you–us, away, and–you didn't deserve that. None of it. I just thought this would be a way for you to remember he was here. We both are, and we couldn't be prouder of you, for getting here, by yourself and a lot of people who love you just the way you are. You deserve to be happy, Mads. We all do.”
Maddie pulled him in a tight hug, her arms coming around his chest, “I love you so much, baby brother.”
Buck laughed, kissing her forehead, “I love you too. Now, let's get you married, please.”
“Please, let's do that.”
The wedding went, of course, incredibly well. Chimney teared up the moment he saw Maddie walking over to him, and Buck couldn't help but glance at his parents and stiff a laugh at their faces.
Oh, they hated her dress. Good.
He also couldn't help but glance at Eddie, bouncing his knee to keep Jee entertained while Bobby gave his 30-minute speech about love.
Athena seemed to be the only one enjoying that.
Finally, Bobby allowed them to kiss. Everyone clapped, some people cried – again, Chimney – and the party began.
Buck would not lie. The fact that his parents were going to be there to watch him miserably fail to dance with Maddie was something he wasn't looking forward to experiencing, but to the surprise of absolutely no one, Eddie was an excellent teacher, and Buck managed to avoid stepping on Maddie’s toes the whole song.
That didn't mean she hadn't used her bride card to eat Buck’s ear out about how he needed to talk to Eddie as she threatened to do very graphic stuff to Buck’s body that he was too scared to even think of.
So, as the backyard filled with couples and friends slowly dancing to the corniest of songs – Perfect by Ed Sheeran – Buck sat on his table with a glass of white wine, drinking down his misery as he stared at Eddie, who was laughing at something Karen was saying in his ear.
“Okay. This is miserable, Buck”, Hen dropped herself next to him. He turned at her voice, too sad to fake a smile.
“I’ve seen you two dance around each other all these years and you're sitting here, wallowing in your misery, exactly why?”, she asked.
“What am I supposed to say, Hen? I'm sorry I didn't kiss you but I thought you were straight? I’m going to sound like an ass.”
“Listen. Eddie’s been having a few difficult weeks, okay? Everything he thought he knew about himself gave a complete 180, and everything he thought was horrifying for him to think of stopped being so horrifying. He didn't give much detail of what happened between the two of you, but he thinks you’re disgusted by it, and I know you're not. So, the progress he had–the process to eliminate those horrible thoughts he made about himself, kind of…showed up, again–”, she must have noticed his horrified expression as she quickly reassured him, “–which isn't your fault, Buck. You don't have control over what he thinks about himself or not. It’s something he needs to work on, and he is with Frank. Just–maybe a little reassurance that you love him for who he is, can help him feel a lot better. That's all.”
God, now he was feeling like shit. He hadn't been talking to Eddie at all, and while he was thinking about ripping his suit and eating him whole, Eddie was fighting his mind and battling himself into believing he's incredible as he was.
He's the worst friend ever, and he has to fix it and let Eddie know that he's absolutely the most wonderful man that's ever graced the planet and that there's no one Buck would rather him be than himself.
He stood up, the chair he was sitting on falling back on the grass, “Come on, you need to drag Karen away”, he said, his eyes glued to Eddie.
Hen quickly stood up, as they both walked closer to where Karen and Eddie were standing. Buck’s heart broke as he saw his smile vanish as they approached. His body tensed up. His brown eyes glued to the ground.
“Karen, let’s go steal some cake”, Hen smiled, taking her hand in hers. Buck smiled at her, but he was met with a narrowed expression.
“I already ate cake”, she answered, her eyes still trained on Buck. Like she was watching what he was up to. Buck felt the need to pull out a white flag and wave it around.
Hen forced a laugh, “Karen! Eddie will be fine just a few seconds by himself. Let's go get cake!”, he dragged her this time, not waiting for an answer.
Buck sent Hen a grateful smile before turning back to Eddie, who was looking at his phone with a newfound intent, Buck wondered if he was faking it, which did nothing but make him realize that the fact Eddie had to pretend he was doing something to not interact with Buck at all was prove enough of how much he had hurt him.
He had to fix them. He couldn't let Eddie think Buck hated him. Buck didn't think he was ever capable of hating him.
He cleared his throat, “Was-was it me or Karen was kind of giving me the stink eye?”, he laughed, awkwardly.
Well, that was an opener.
Eddie glanced up, tucking his phone in his pocket before shrugging, “I don't know, you did something to piss her off?”
Oh, he was mad. Really mad.
It felt a lot like the whole lawsuit thing over again. He was answering, but he was cold with it. Sharp. Not playing games. Direct. Straight to the heart and right back out.
Fine. Buck could also be direct, “No. But I did piss you off.”
Eddie’s whole semblance fell off, his eyes softening up.
Yeah, that was his Eddie.
“You have no idea how sorry I am. I-I never wanted you to feel like something was wrong with you, because there isn't. There never has been something wrong with you. You're one of the most important people in my life, Eddie. I-I lo–”, he bit his tongue.
Horror filled up his body. Saying what he so wanted to, may ruin every single thing Buck has built in the past six years of his life. Losing Eddie terrified him. Losing Chris terrified him.
He was scared, so, so scared.
Was it really worth it? Letting Eddie know how he felt and then what? Face rejection and watch Eddie slowly move on? He couldn't do that. He couldn't face that. He couldn't watch Eddie move on.
But, Eddie really didn't give him a choice, “I’m gay”, he spat out, “I-I’ve been burying it my whole life, pretending I’m what my parents want me to be and what I expected myself to be, but I always knew, and it was easy to pretend when I had no one but Chris to think of, and then you came along, and you were everywhere, Buck. In every thought, in every dream.”
“So, I panicked and tried to bury it again by dating Ana, and then I got shot, and all I wanted to do was be with you, and all I saw was you. I-I didn't want Ana by my side when I woke up, I wanted you, and then you prove yourself again, by being there for Chris, who adores you so much. I got scared of myself, and again, buried it. Always excused myself with what was better for Chris. Not me. Always him. Because it's what he deserves after all the hell I've put him through.”
“You were with Taylor, so I forced myself to move on, and I didn't blame you, not then, not now. You didn't know how I felt, and it was okay cause how I was feeling wasn't right. That's what I used to say to myself. My parents will pretend to be okay with it, but I know that they'll still be judging me about it, and I know they will. I don't blame them either, cause it was the way they were raised, which, shouldn't be an excuse, but you know…what I’m trying to say here is that Marisol gave me a good slap of reality and set me straight, and I-I just love you”, he laughed, “I love you so much, and I thought you felt the same. That's why I tried to kiss you. It's okay if you don't, I–”
“I love you too”, Buck shook his head, taking hold of his arms, “I’m-i’m in love with you. I'm in love with everything about you. I-I love your eyes, and your dimples, and the small mole under your eye. I love your laugh and your smile. I love your amazing body and your tanned skin. I love when you speak in Spanish, even if I don't understand a word you're saying. I love how much you hate technology because I live for it. I love how badly you cook, because I can cook. I love how you hide your feelings, because I wear mine like a sleeve. I love that we’re completely opposites but there's still nobody in this world that I would rather die for, than you. Or-or Chris, of course. I love him so, so much. I-I love you both.”
Eddie seemed surprised, a laugh escaping his mouth as tears filled up his eyes, “You do?”, he asked, breathlessly.
Buck nodded, vigorously. “Yes. Yes. I'm in love with you, Eddie. All I've wanted to do all day is kiss you senseless 'cause you look hot as fuck in that suit and your hair is absolutely breathless.”
He laughed, wetting his lips, his eyes trailing Buck up and down, “You look hot as fuck too.”
Was this his actual life?
Buck closed his eyes. “Please, pinch me. I need to know if this is a dream or real life, cause–”
He was cut off by Eddie’s lips on his. It took him a few seconds to react before finally getting in with the program. But there it was. They were kissing. Eddie was kissing him. He was kissing Eddie.
It was soft and wonderful, and it left Buck begging for more when Eddie pulled slowly away from him. Their foreheads knocked together, Eddie’s nose bumping softly with his, “Was that better than a pinch?”, he whispered, his breath fanning Buck’s lips.
Buck smiled, his eyes still closed, “So much fucking better than a pinch”, he breathed out. “We’re going to do that again, right?”, he asked, pulling away and opening his eyes to face Eddie.
“Oh, I can think of thousands of things we can do again and again when we're finally alone…”, he answered, a hot smirk and teasing eyes on his face.
Holy. Fuck.
“You’re so going to be the death of me…”, Buck whispered, pulling Eddie towards him, inches away from his lips.
“Your parents are here”, Eddie reminded him, even though he had a beautiful smile on his face as he brushed his lips with Buck, in such a teasing manner, leaving Buck a whining mess for a kiss.
“Good…”, he said, before pulling Eddie in, his hands on his cheeks and kissing him like a man on a mission.
This time, a little more heated than the first one, but still, filled with the same love and passion.
“Okay, guys! How about we leave this type of passion at home, yeah? Maddie is still the bride and you will not overshadow her day with your love, alright? Leave that to your own wedding, please”, Chimney interrupted them, or more like yanked Eddie out of Buck’s arms, smiling tightly.
“I think what my husband is trying to say is that we’re very happy you both could finally figure yourselves out. Really, truly happy”, Maddie smiled, glancing between them, “Oh my god, Eddie! This means you're family now! I'm an aunty now, and I can tell Jee to call you her uncle and we’re all going to be intertwined in each other’s lives now! Isn't that awesome? Am I crying? It feels like I’m crying…”, and yes, she was in fact crying, but Buck was also filled with the horror of Maddie and Chim already talking about their wedding.
I mean, yeah. Buck couldn't wait either. But he couldn't tell Eddie that. He would probably think Buck was acting crazy and the clingiest person–
“Letting you know, Chim. Our wedding will be so filled with love, you'll be jealous yours wasn't”, Eddie answered, really confident about himself.
Buck didn't think his eyes could turn into hearts, but if they did, he probably would be wearing them 24/7 after hearing Eddie talk about their wedding.
“Oh, I don't know. Our wedding got you both together. Nothing could ever top that.”
Turns out, something did top Buck and Eddie getting together at Maddie and Chimney’s wedding.
Maddie and Chimey being pregnant at Buck and Eddie’s wedding.
The feeling was merely reserved for the Buckey-Han family, but no one was really going to spoil their happiness.
Not like Eddie and Buck could ever be happier anyway. They were married.
Officially together, forever.
Evan Diaz had a nice ring to it, and Buck couldn't help but smile every time Eddie called him that.
The only person having a bad time adjusting to the change of name was, of course, Bobby, who seemed to pull his gray hair every time they both turned around at the same time.
“Buck. You're Buck, why are you turning around?”
He liked being called Diaz.
It was his name, after all.