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It hits Nicholas sometimes, just how different they are. He’ll be sitting down figuring out what to wear the next day, what style to try next and his thoughts will stray to Euijoo. He’ll hold up a black leather jacket and giggle at how Euijoo would never . Then he’d think about how Euijoo looks so soft and sweet, a natural contrast to his own sharper image. He’d find an orange sweater and think about how well it suited Euijoo.
It’s a little insane how they ended up here. Together. Nicholas thinks about this often. He thinks about Euijoo often in general—Euijoo’s mannerisms, his cute little round face, his determined nature. The way Euijoo so rarely opens up, but trusts Nicholas enough to talk to him . He thinks about how Euijoo and he look completely different but complement each other so well. Sharp and round, dark and light, yin and yang. Nicholas looks at his Minho and Key sunbaenims and looks back at he and Euijoo and can’t help but compare.
And the thing is that—again, it’s insane. It’s a miracle how they ended up together. How somehow, that one off chocolate encounter led to nothing and then, suddenly, gradually, something. Nicholas hates their agency for many things, but bringing him and Euijoo together is not one of them. He hates thinking about I-land because really, all that is past him now, but he can’t help but rewatch the first few episodes, just to compare the 18 year old Nicholas from the 22 year old one now. They’re so different he could laugh.
He compares and he compares and then his eyes stray over to ever so sweet, unchanging Euijoo. Euijoo who had tried so hard. Nicholas , who had tried so hard. They both had tried so hard, fighting for a dream dangling just nearly out of reach, growing old in an industry whose time went too fast. Nicholas tried and he tried and he tried again, in Japan. Maybe that’s why they didn’t make it then. They weren’t together. Euijoo, with his beautiful, cautious heart, had rejected him on the first day and thus started their intertwined lives together.
Euijoo becomes leader and Nicholas isn’t the slightest bit surprised. It suits him, he thinks. It really does suit him. Euijoo, who works so hard. Euijoo, who works himself to the bone, Euijoo who thinks in a language completely other than his own, just to debut. Idols are such fools. Who would do something as crazy as giving up your life to sing and dance on stage? Because it has never been for fame. Idols don’t become great because of a thirst for fame, they do it out of necessity. It’s one thing that runs through all their veins—if I don’t debut, if I don’t get to show myself to the world, I will die. At the end of the day, it’s all about being seen. Nicholas would go through hell and back to be seen.
Recently though, he’s starting to care a little more about a world much closer to him than what exists outside their dorms.
Euijoo. It always goes back to Euijoo. He’s just the kind of person that Nicholas wants to keep running back to. He pokes and he prods and he teases and forces himself into Euijoo’s orbit because he’d die if Euijoo didn’t look at him.
“Nicholas, when are you going to confess to Euijoo?” Maki asks. They had just finished up a live, and Nicholas scrambles to make sure that the camera was indeed off. Even if it wasn’t, he could probably play it off, go on another Sexy Juju tangent. Honesty wrapped in a thin layer of sarcasm to hide the fact that Nicholas wants Euijoo in so many more ways than Euijoo wants him.
Nicholas has never been a particularly dishonest person. “Confess? Why would I confess?”
“Well. You like him, don’t you? Like as in romantically, don’t try to run away from this one.”
Nicholas rolls his eyes. “I’m not running away from anything. I don’t run away from anything.” Especially not when it’s about Euijoo. Never Euijoo. Honestly, the only reason Euijoo still doesn’t know that Nicholas is madly in love with him is because Euijoo’s just so oblivious, especially when he has other things to direct his attention to.
“So? Confession?”
“I’m never confessing to him,” Nicholas says, flicking Maki lightly on the forehead. He desperately hopes that their live is off, because they’re about to go to the land of no return soon.
Maki hisses and swats at Nicholas’s hand. “Stop it. Why not? You aren’t even denying that you like him.”
Nicholas shrugs. “Why should I? He doesn’t like me back, and our careers are too delicate to handle that kind of fallout. I don’t want him to hate me, and even if realistically I know he wouldn’t judge me for something like that, it would still be a burden on him, you know? And I don’t want to do that to him. Not when he’s so burdened by every other thing right now.”
Maki hums, moving closer and resting his head on Nicholas’s shoulder. Nicholas smiles and pets his hair. He thinks that Maki is probably the sweetest boy alive. He also thinks that Harua will be the happiest boy alive when they finally get their shit together and go out—but that won’t be for a while, Nicholas hopes. They’re still so young. Incredibly young. They’re just babies really, and Nicholas suddenly feels bad for his Fuma and Kei hyungs, because if he thinks that the maknaes are so tiny with a mere three and four year age gap, he can’t imagine how they look to the hyungs. Miniscule, maybe. Baby stars waiting to grow. Or maybe not even fully formed spheres yet, still just spiraling expanses of clouds and dust, waiting and waiting to take shape. Maybe.
Nicholas doesn’t know much about space, but what he does know is that Euijoo is his star and he is the willful planet orbiting him. Planets very rarely move away from their host star of their own volition. Instead, the separation occurs when the star deems fit, exploding into a cosmic boom, ripping its obedient planets apart by the sheer force of its expanding gravity. It’s fitting. Nicholas will be by Euijoo’s side until he is pushed away, until Euijoo looks at him and wonders why am I dealing with him and inevitably leaves. Even then, Nicholas doubts he’ll fully escape.
He and Maki leave the practice room and make their way to the dorms, talking about this and that. Euijoo doesn’t come up again. Nicholas is grateful.
They run into Euijoo as they’re walking in.
“I saw your live,” Euijoo says, smiling at them when they meet. Nicholas wants that smile to mean something, but he knows that Euijoo is just the kind of person to smile at anyone and everyone. Nicholas has a resting bitch face, Euijoo has a resting smiling face. Just another difference between them both.
Maki bounds over, curling himself into Euijoo’s embrace and squeezing their gorgeous leader tight. Nicholas itches to go over and complete the trifecta, filling in the gaps he sees. He doesn’t.
Instead, he laughs and makes a joke about Euijoo finally paying attention to him before ruffling both his and Maki’s hair and almost running to the shower. He’d been okay with loving Euijoo in silence before. Now that Maki knows, it’s suddenly become so much more real. He can’t help but dread the fallout that’s soon to occur now. Maki is trustworthy, and Nicholas considers him his blood brother, but he’s still young. Eighteen is barely an adult. Nicholas used to do crazy immature things when he was eighteen. (Meeting Euijoo must have been one of them). Because no matter how much Maki will try to hide it, he’s going to tell Harua. He’s going to let it slip, or Harua, ever so observant, will just take one look at Maki and then another at Nicholas-and-Euijoo, and then understand. That’s just the way Harua is. And once Harua knows, it’ll be out there. Soon enough, everyone will know.
Nicholas sighs and lets the water wash him away. He doesn’t think about how every time he looks at the beach, he realizes he is nothing more than a few mediocre tides controlled by Euijoo’s moonlike gravity.
He wonders. Is it so bad to love someone this much? Should it be possible? Nicholas thinks he’s creating a miracle every time Euijoo smiles at him, because there’s nothing more beautiful and gorgeous and heartwarming than a restful, happy Euijoo.
Happy Euijoo is also an Euijoo who climbs into Nicholas’s bed like he owns it. He’s so annoying. Nicholas loves him so much it’s insane.
“Move over, Nicho-kun,” Euijoo says. Nicholas grumbles, just to be annoying. Euijoo sighs and climbs over Nicholas, slotting himself in between him and the wall. It’s a tight fit. Euijoo is completely pressed up against Nicholas and it should be claustrophobic, or unsettling at the very least, but it only wants Nicholas to pull Euijoo in closer. So he does. He doesn’t think about how they were made to be together. 02z and the only two foreigners in their team. He looks at Euijoo's gorgeous little bare face and he yearns.
Euijoo frowns, pushing his cute face closer to Nicholas’s until their foreheads touch. Nicholas grows warm.
“Are you okay ? You’re so red and you were acting so weird earlier.”
Nicholas pouts. “Weird? How was I acting weird? I wasn’t acting weird. You were acting weird.”
Euijoo rolls his eyes. “You were! Why were you avoiding me?”
“I wasn’t avoiding you,” Nicholas says, petulant. Was he really that obvious? Is he really this bad at keeping his feelings for Euijoo locked away? God, maybe he should just confess. The thought freezes him. No. He’s not confessing. There’s absolutely no way he’s confessing. It’s a crazy thing to even want.
“You were,” Euijoo says, sighing. He settles down, moving closer to Nicholas until Euijoo’s head is under Nicholas’s chin, sweet red hair ticking Nicholas’s nose. Nicholas breathes the sweet scent of his shampoo in, wishing that all this could be real, even for a moment.
“I wasn’t,” Nicholas says, and they drop it. Euijoo grumbles a little under his breath in Korean and Nicholas does so back in Mandarin. Euijoo glares up at him.
“It’s no fun if I can’t understand you! Stop!”
Nicholas sticks his tongue out at him and tells him to shut up and go sleep.
The next day is hazy. Nicholas wonders when he started feeling so lethargic, so prone to stumbling around Euijoo. Before he told Maki, he was doing so well. It wasn’t that bad. There was no way he was going to get his staring problem fixed, but he could always play off the adoring gazes as something else entirely. This , he can’t fix. The giggling, the stuttering, the “Euijoo-” that he says so often now. The constant–he doesn’t even know. Nicholas doesn’t know what he’s doing. All he knows is that he loves Euijoo so much.
And the issue is, that there’s a very high chance that Euijoo likes him back. No normal person confesses to the nation that their very male best friend is the type of person they’d want to marry. No normal person agrees to doing that stupid take a look at your girlfriend trend with their very male best friend.
It’s overwhelming, being in love with your best friend. Nicholas would know. He’s been in love with so many people. He’s a lover at heart. So many see his sharp features, his angry eyes, and make him out to be someone he’s not, someone rude and scary and powerful when in reality he spends his time geeking out over clothes and fabrics and people. In I-land it was. Well. Nicholas doesn’t like to say who it was, because it always makes things terribly awkward. In I-land it was someone. After I-land, he’d nursed a teeny tiny crush on Kei as he watched the show, but meeting Kei after the show ended and they were called in for &Audition had withered the crush away. And then there was Euijoo.
Nicholas doesn’t remember when he started loving Euijoo. He’d always liked him, sure. He’d always looked at him and thought that Euijoo was pretty and soft and sweet. But only after the entire I-land debacle did Nicholas realize how much more there was to Euijoo. He thinks about how much more traction Euijoo would have gotten if he had more screentime on that cursed show, and then hates himself for hating the idea of Euijoo debuting anywhere else but here, with him.
“Are you happy?” Nicholas asks. They’re in bed together again. Nicholas thinks it’s starting to become routine, this push and pull, this closeness. They’ve been best friends for years. It’s only fitting that they ended up here. In this bed. Together. Specifically, in Nicholas’s bed. Nicholas wonders if Euijoo has been wanting to do this for a while, and has only begun because he’s finally realized that Nicholas has no way of ever saying no to Euijoo, especially not Sleepy Juju , bare faced and shiny and red.
“Hmmphrgh,” Euijoo responds, pouting. He blinks one eye open to glare at Nicholas. He looks like a fluffy puppy. Nicholas wants to kiss him so bad. He could. Euijoo’s lips are right there . It’d be so easy. Euijoo probably wouldn’t even blink an eye. How many idols have kissed each other and turned out to be straight in the end? The industry is full of fanservice like that, and yeah, they aren’t in front of any cameras right now, but Nicholas could pull it off if he tries, maybe. He won’t. He wouldn’t dare burden Euijoo like that.
“That’s not an answer, Juju,” Nicholas says.
Euijoo huffs, headbutting Nicholas lightly. Nicholas is so soft right now. He’s the happiest boy in the world. “Why are you talking to me, Nicho. Why are you speaking. Please shut up. I want to sleep.”
“But I wanna know if you’re happy or not,” Nicholas whines, pouting so that Euijoo can here it in the inflections of his voice.
“Yes, I am happy, but I won’t be if you continue to not let me sleep,” Euijoo grumbles.
Nicholas hums. “Are you sure?”
Euijoo groans, shifting away from Nicholas, who whines and grabs at him, trying to pull him closer. Euijoo smacks at his begging hands. “What is up with you lately? I am very happy. Actually, now I’m annoyed. Seriously, if you don’t stop I’m going back to my own bed.”
Euijoo tries so hard to be intimidating, but how can he be, when the moonlight filtering through the crack in the curtains shines directly on his petulant face, all soft and swollen from the amount that crazy man does when he’s washing his face at night? He’s also whispering, mindful as to not wake up Maki sleeping soundly in the bed across the tiny room.
“Cute Juju,” Nicholas whispers. Euijoo’s face transforms into something truly diabolical.
“Nicholas.” Uh oh. No Nicho?
Nicholas pouts. He swears he’s never this annoying with anyone else. Euijoo’s reactions are just so cute, he can’t help himself.
“Nicho, what is happening to you? Are you alright? Is something wrong? Are you drunk? Why are you asking all these questions?”
“I just want to know if you’re happy with us. With me. Or if you. Well. Or if you would rather have debuted in Enhypen.”
Euijoo’s eyes widen with shock, and then anger. “What kind of stupid question is that?”
Nicholas flinches, looking away. “I just need to know.”
Euijoo flops back down on the bed, shoving lightly at Nicholas’s shoulder. “I’m glad I didn’t debut with them, stupid. I like it here. If I debuted with them, then there’s no guarantee that I would’ve ended up here with you, so please shut up about it now. I’m happy. I love my group and I am happy with you, and you make me happy. Enough. Sleep.”
Mollified, Nicholas does just that.
It’s a sort of torture, waking up to Euijoo wrapped around you like a clingy octopus in the morning.
Maki’s hovering over their bed, hands on his hips. He needs to spend less time with Harua. Nicholas grumbles, squinting up at their maknae. “What happened, Maki?”
“Why are you two sleeping together?”
Nicholas scrunches up his face. “We aren’t–don’t say it like that, dear god. We happen to enjoy not sleeping alone. Together. This is what friends do.”
Maki rolls his eyes. “Yeah, friends ,” he says snickering as he walks past them.
“As if you and Harua are any better!” Nicholas calls out, coughing to relieve his dry throat. Euijoo has somehow stayed asleep throughout the entire debacle. He really must have been tired, then. Nicholas regrets making him stay up late just to ask his senseless questions.
As Nicholas is trying to get up and out of bed quietly, Euijoo mumbles something under his breath. Nicholas freezes, only halfway out of the bed, and turns closer to Euijoo to see what on earth he’s mumbling about this time.
“Nicho, why are you awake?” Euijoo asks, shifting a little on the bed so he’s closer to the edge. Closer to Nicholas.
“Because…it’s time for schedules? Actually, you should wake up too. Come on, let’s go.”
Euijoo huffs, but sits up willingly, squinting at Nicholas.
“Nicho, I’ve had enough.”
Nicholas sits back down. “Enough? Enough of what? Listen, I’m sorry I said all those things yesterday, I just. I don’t know.”
“You’re in love with me, aren’t you?” Euijoo asks brusquely. As if he hasn’t just woken up and turned Nicholas’s entire life around.
“What…?” Nicholas breathes. He’s dreaming. He’s living a nightmare. The urge to throw up is strong within him, because what the fuck. What. What the fuck is happening. What on earth is Euijoo doing. What is he saying. How did he know .
“Nicho, tell me. Are you?” Euijoo asks, desperately. He pulls Nicholas forward so they’re staring at each other, and Nicholas can’t escape even if he tried.
“I–um. Well. Yes. Yeah? How did you–I’m sorry, I promise I won’t let it ruin anything, I’ll get over it properly, and soon! Please just…”
Euijoo’s crying. Why is he crying.
“Why are you crying?” Nicholas says frantically, reaching over to wipe the salty tears off of Euijoo’s soft cheeks. A face like this should be illegal. “Juju, why are you crying? Don’t cry, please don’t cry, I’m sorry, I’ll get over it, I promise.”
Euijoo sniffles loudly and pouts, smacking Nicholas in the shoulder, hard. Nicholas hisses, flinching back. “What the fuck?”
“You’re so stupid. So stupid, Nicho, I don’t want you to get over me, I just want to know why you never told me!”
Nicholas is at a loss for words.
“Um. What.”
Euijoo throws his hands up in the air, letting out a groan. Someone from the living room asks if he’s okay, and Nicholas throws back a, yes he’s perfectly fine, don’t worry everything is fine .
“I’m in love with you. Stupid. So stupid. You’re actually the stupidest man alive.”
Nicholas gapes. What. What. What.
What.
“You–hold on. What? Wait. Hold on. What do you mean, stupid ? How was I supposed to know? You never gave me any signs?”
Euijoo sighs. “I literally. I literally proposed to you on national live television.”
“You said you misunderstood the question!”
Euijoo rolls his eyes. “I was obviously lying, stupid. I even did that couples trend with you!”
“I thought you only agreed to that because you thought it was a joke!” Nicholas was the one who asked him to do it, after all.
“I’ve been sitting here, waiting for you to make a move,” Euijoo says. He’s using the voice he uses to tell Taki to not fuck anything up in the kitchen…or anything, really. “But all you’ve done is stare at me. All the time.”
Nicholas frowns. “Hold on. If you knew I was in love with you, then why didn’t you confess?”
Euijoo gives him a withering look. “I just did, didn’t I?”
Nicholas blinks. “Actually, that’s fair. Yeah, touche. Okay. Um. So. Go out with me?”
Euijoo hits him.