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Remus was too tired to even grab the razor from his bedside drawer, something that he normally found solace in. The most he’d do is claw at his arms and legs with his long nails, but other than that he had surpassed the point in a depressive episode where he wanted to go out of his way to cut himself. Frankly he was impressed with himself. This is a new level; complete isolation from his friends and boyfriend for almost 4 days. No food. So much sleep but at the same time not enough. ‘God, what’s the matter with me?’ His brain was filled with these sorts of thoughts. ‘They’d all be better without me…’ Etc.
Remus rolled around in his bed, staring at the ceiling. This was how he felt it was meant to be. Alone. Here he had complete control, not like the outside world where anything could happen and he couldn't stop it.
—
Sirius, James, and Peter huddled together in a dimly lit corner of the Gryffindor common room.
It wasn't necessarily unlike Remus to withdraw so completely, but it hadn't happened in a while. Each time it did, though, the weight of his absence hung heavily in the marauder’s hearts.
Sirius let out a long sigh. “It feels wrong to just leave him in there…” He voiced the worry that had been plaguing them all.
“What are we s’posed to do? He’s been in there for days. Don't think I’ve even seen him leave for food!” Peter whispered to his two friends. He was concerned, but had a sort of shock and annoyance in his voice.
They all looked around anxiously, searching for something to say, but nothing came easily. Last time it happened was around a month, maybe a month and a half ago. Remus, he can be a completely different person at times. He has these intense mood swings. Well, episodes are what they’re actually called, but these three don't know that. What they do know, though, is they need to help him.
Making their way to the dormitory, Sirius, James, and Peter racked their brains for the best way to approach the werewolf. Will he listen to anything they say?
Standing in front of the door, the tension among them palpable, Sirius finally mustered the courage to knock softly, calling out, "Moony? It's us." Silence greeted them, thick and unwelcoming. Never one to be deterred easily, he tried once more, his voice carrying a gentle firmness, "Remus. We're worried about you. Can we come in? Can we talk to you?" Again, the quiet that followed seemed to stretch endlessly, each second weighing heavier on their spirits.
At last, a hoarse, muffled voice seeped through the door. "Leave me alone." Hearing the pain and anger in his words stung the three boys like a fresh cut. Despite the harsh dismissal, it only solidified their goal to break through to Remus. Sirius turned to James and Peter, whispering “I’m going to go in. See if I can, I don't know, help in some way. Maybe just keep him company.”
The room was dark, thick curtains blocked out any sunlight that dared shine this way. Remus lay curled in his cave of blankets, lost in the throes of a depressive episode. He was a shadow of his usual self, the lively discussions and late-night adventures with his friends seeming more and more like distant memories. His eyes and nose were raw from spending his last few days crying. Tissues were strewn across the floor. Sirius felt his heart tighten at the sight of his boyfriend so vulnerable and broken. He approached the bed slowly, making no sudden movements.
“Remus? It’s Sirius. I’m not gonna force you to talk or anything, yeah? I’m just gonna…sit with you. You’re not alone.” Sirius sat on the floor besides the bed, clearing out a small space from the tissue pile. Remus shut his eyes tightly and pulled the blanket over his head. In his mind, Sirius was disappointed in him. He didn't want to have to see that. To face him this way.
A few minutes passed and Remus hadn't heard his boyfriend leave yet. Why was he doing this? Remus didn't deserve it, or at least that’s what he felt like. Sirius remained at his side steadfast, but eventually broke the silence.
“I don't expect a response, you know, but I wanted to tell you I love you.” He fidgeted with his hands. “I still remember the first time we met,” A soft smile stretched across his face as he recounted memories of their early days at Hogwarts. “And I’m glad we did, y’know. You’ve changed my life for the better, Moony.” Although he said he wasn't expecting a response, Sirius still hoped he'd get something out of him.
Remus stirred in his blankets as heaving sobs escaped his mouth. “Moony? Are you alright?” Sirius stood up quickly and rushed to the side of the bed. “Moony?” No verbal reply, but a wet-faced Remus did turn to face him, somehow asking for a hug without saying anything. Seeing the silent plea on his tear-streaked face, Sirius didn't hesitate. The bed creaked as his arms gently wrapped around the werewolf. Oh, God. He could feel his ribs. His love was wasting away. Pain filled Sirius’s heart, but tried hard to not let it show.
Remus buried his head into Sirius’s shoulder, allowing himself to be held, to feel the warmth and safety that came with his boyfriend's presence. The room filled with the sounds of Remus’s dampened wails, each one seeming to release a little of the pain he had held inside.
In their embrace, the barriers Remus had built around himself began to crumble.
—
It didn't last for long, unfortunately. He wasn't completely isolating himself anymore. But he wasn't completely “alright” either.
Remus stood, shirtless and pantless, in the bathroom late at night, watching blood leak from his arms and legs and pooling in the sink. Finally, he wasn't too tired and morose to actually do what he wanted to do. His nails weren't sufficient enough anymore. Scars, old and new, littered his body. He wore long sleeves and pants all year round so no one would ever see. Even if they did, though, it might be hard to tell which were self-inflicted and which were from a full moon.
The steel razor dug deeply into his skin. As beads of blood slowly came to the surface, a grin crawled across Remus’s face. It was satisfying. Staring at himself in the mirror, he ran his fingers up and down his ribs. This is what control looked like to him. Controlling his pain. Controlling what he eats, or rather what he doesn't.
Like a dog, his ears perked up. Footsteps. Footsteps coming towards the bathroom door. Sirius, James, and Peter thought he was getting better. They can't see him like this. Remus turned the sink on to flush the water out and threw his jumper and joggers on. The doorknob jiggled.
“Mooooony?” Sirius’s sleepy voice came from outside the door.
“Yep! Just one minute, Pads!” Getting the last of the blood down the drain he opened the door for Sirius. “Here ya go, babe!” Remus tried to walk past quickly but Sirius stopped him. His eyes were big and he looked a bit confused. “What’s that, love?” Sirius pointed at Remus’s leg, where blood was seeping through his joggers. He looked down. Fuck. Okay. Try to play it cool.
It wasn’t a very convincing excuse. “Ohh woah! I didn't even notice that. I’ll look at it later, really I’m just tryna get to bed.” Again, he tried to push past his boyfriend and again, he was stopped.
“Remus,” Sirius’s voice was stern. Loving, but stern. “What is that? Why is there blood on your leg?” He knew.
Panic filled Remus’s face. He looked for a way out but there wasn't one. Instead of answering, he just looked down at the floor in shame.
Two cold hands cupped his face. “Let’s get you cleaned up, okay?” Sirius was shocked when Remus removed his clothes. There were so many scars. How had he never noticed? Remus was awfully reserved and private when it came to being undressed, but god, he just thought he was modest! As his boyfriend, you’d think he’d have noticed long late-night trips to the bathroom and blood-stained bed sheets.
He patiently sat with Remus in the bathroom, cleaning all of his wounds. They were quiet, neither wanting to talk about what had just happened. After he was all bandaged up, the two boys headed back to sleep, Sirius leaving his own bed to keep a close eye on (and to spoon) Remus.
“I love you, Moony.”
“I’m sorry.”