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Bradley stormed out of his family’s lives on a sunny Thursday afternoon.
He isn’t quite sure whether he first walked out with the intent to stay away forever. All he could feel was anger, boiling over the edges and threatening to burn anyone and anything that got too close. He knew he had to get away. He couldn’t be around Mav or else he’d blow up again.
He can still hear all the piercing words he hurled at Mav, hoping some of them would stick and hurt him more than he hurt Bradley. They ring clear in his head like it was yesterday.
You’re just a good-for-nothing traitor like your father.
I wish my dad had never met you.
I hope Ice is mad at you too. You don’t deserve his love. You don’t deserve anyone’s.
I don’t want to see you ever again.
And then he drove his Bronco to his mom and dad’s old house that Mav and Ice still paid for, pulling into the driveway and opening the garage door for the first time in years. It creaked open on its old joints, straining against the weight of built-up rust.
He remembers opening the door, walking into the dusty living room, and immediately breaking down, the reality of what had just happened settling into his bones. He’d been betrayed by his parents, his everything, all because Mav didn’t believe in him. It didn’t matter that Ice hadn’t known about Mav pulling his papers until after the fact. He’d still choose Mav’s side every time, and Bradley was left with no one.
Now he’s here at flight school, with the sole intent of blazing through and finally earning his wings. He’s cut all contact with Mav and Ice, and he’s ready to leave them and his childhood in the past.
He’s lost two sets of parents within the first twenty years of his life. He’s not quite sure what that says about him, but he knows he has to keep his head down and just get through flight school. He doesn’t have time to go through more failed relationships and connections. He’s already four years behind in his career.
Besides, he doesn’t think he could handle anyone else leaving. So it’s best not to start anything in the first place.
He intends to greet his new roommate genially, pasting a smile on his face so they don’t think Bradley’s an asshole but also not making an attempt to talk to them more.
It’s not entirely up to him, though, because the moment he walks through the door, his roommate gets up and throws an arm around his shoulder and says excitedly, “Roomie! Nice to meet you. I’m Billy Avalone. I’m from Florida and I’m here because I think planes are neat. How about you?”
Bradley laughs a little as he extracts himself from Billy’s grip and sets his bag down. “I’m Bradley, from San Diego. I also think planes are neat, but I’m mostly here because…” He stops. He was fully about to say because all of my father figures have been naval aviators and I looked up to them a lot but that’s definitely not leaving his parents in the past. He changes course quickly, finishing with “...because I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to fly.” It’s also true, so it’s not like he’s lying about anything.
Billy grins. “Dude, me too! You ever just, like, stand at the top of a building and wonder how it would feel to fall off the roof of it if you had wings? I bet flying’s gonna be just like that. Or like a rollercoaster, but way better.”
“Can’t say I’ve done that, but you’re absolutely right,” Bradley says, already feeling his resolve to not make any connections fading away. The thought sobers him, and he turns away, unzipping his bag and falling silent under the guise of unpacking.
“So I heard a bunch of people are going out to this party tonight,” Billy says. “You down to go later?”
Bradley shrugs. “I think I’ll just stay in tonight. I’m pretty tired.” Billy’s face falls, and Bradley adds quickly, “But you should go. It sounds like fun.”
Billy brightens again. “Okay! I’ll let you know how it is.”
“Sounds good,” Bradley says with a smile.
Later that night, the halls are quiet, free of the noise of other people moving in that’s been going on all day. Bradley’s spent the day alternating between sitting at his desk and bed, passing the time by doodling, unpacking, and talking to Billy, who’s been surprisingly good at drawing conversation out of him. Bradley had one goal, and he’s already failing at it.
He supposes it was kind of inevitable, though. It’s not like he was going to avoid talking to his roommate all year.
Billy’s gone now, off at the party that seemingly everyone is at, because Bradley hasn’t heard anyone passing by for a while. Maybe he’ll take a walk, then. He’s pretty sure being cooped up anywhere for long isn’t good for him.
He steps out into the hall tentatively, not wanting to disturb the quiet, even though there’s probably no one around to care but him. He lets his door shut behind him after double checking he’s taken his keys with him, then starts off to the left. He thinks he remembers there being a courtyard this way.
It’s gotten dark quickly, and there’s a bit of a chill to the air when he pushes through the door leading outside. There’s just a few trees and a bench sitting on a grassy area. He goes toward the bench to sit, but stops short when he realizes there’s someone sitting there already.
The person looks up at the soft crunch of the grass under his shoes and spots him. “Oh. Hi.” It’s a girl’s voice, and Bradley blinks in surprise. It’s not that he thought there wouldn’t be any girls here, but he kind of just thought it would take longer for him to run into one of them.
He probably shouldn’t repeat that stupidly sexist thought to whoever this is, though. He realizes he hasn’t responded and says quickly, “Hi. Hey. I, uh, didn’t think anyone else would be out here.”
“Yeah, everyone’s at that party or whatever,” she says, waving a hand around in the general direction of where he assumes the party is. Or it might just be aimless. He doesn’t know.
“My roommate’s there,” he supplies, walking closer. He pauses in front of her. He can see her better from here. She’s got dark hair pulled back in a ponytail and is wearing an expression that’s all too familiar to him. Closed off but friendly.
“What, are you waiting for permission to sit?” she asks.
“Oh,” Bradley says. “Yeah, I guess I was.”
She snorts. “Well, go right ahead. I don’t own this bench.”
He sits down next to her, a respectable distance away. He shifts a little so he’s comfortable, and they sit in silence for a bit before he turns to her and asks, “So why aren’t you at the party?”
She shrugs. “Not really my scene. Parties aren’t really a good place to make friends anyway. You just shout at people over the music and then forget their faces and names the next day. I don’t think it’s really worth it.”
“Makes sense,” Bradley says, nodding.
“Why aren’t you there?” she asks.
“I’m not here to make friends at all,” he tells her. “Never worked out that great for me.”
She sits back and studies him. “Are you one of those people who thinks that no connections will prevent them from getting hurt? Because trust me, it doesn’t work.”
Bradley blinks. “What? No.” He’s lying to her face, and he can tell she knows it. He’s never been a great liar.
“Right, okay,” she says with a scoff, but she’s also smiling. Bradley can’t figure out what she’s thinking. “So how’s that going for you?”
“Been talking to my roommate all day,” he mumbles, feeling a little stupid. “He’s cool. Really friendly. One of those people that somehow just takes all your defenses down without you even realizing, but in a good way. Got unlucky with it. Or lucky, I guess, depending on how you look at it.”
“That’s really lucky,” she says, crossing her arms. “My roommate barely said two words to me before leaving to go to that party.”
“Wanna switch?” Bradley jokes.
She leans her elbow across the top of the bench and rests her head against her hand, turning fully to look at him. “I don’t think that’s what you want, is it?”
Bradley looks at his lap. “You don’t know anything about what I want.”
“Hm,” she says. “But I’m close though, aren’t I?”
Bradley gets up. “I should probably go,” he says, brushing imaginary dust off his pants. “Nice meeting you.”
“Natasha,” she says, unprompted.
“Okay,” he replies. He really doesn’t want to give his name to this girl who looks at him like she knows him. She understands too much, and she’s only talked to him for less than five minutes.
“You’re not gonna give me your name?” she challenges.
He turns around reluctantly. She raises her eyebrows at him. He sighs. “Bradley.”
“Well, Bradley,” she says. “Nice to meet you too. I’ll see you in class, probably.”
“Yep,” he says, raising a pointed index finger above his head as he walks away. He really hopes not.
Okay, he doesn’t hope not. But he wants to hope not. It hasn’t even been a full twenty-four hours and he’s had long conversations with two people. This isn’t going great.
Billy’s still out when he gets back, and it’s about another hour before he stumbles back into the room and shouts joyfully, “Bradley! You missed a lot of fun, you know.”
“I don’t doubt it,” Bradley says, trying not to smile.
“You do anything interesting while I was gone?” Billy asks.
Bradley shrugs. “Not really.”
“Aw, come on,” Billy says. “Nothing? Really? Well, that’s okay. We’ll find something fun for you to do. ‘Specially when classes start! Don’t we have our first one together?”
“Yeah,” Bradley says. He’s definitely excited for classes to start. The sky’s been calling to him for the past four years. He’s long overdue to finally get up there.
Except moments after he and Billy have sat down near the front in their first class, Bradley sees Natasha walk into the room. He quickly whips his head around, hoping she doesn’t see him. Billy notices and says, “Who are you avoiding?”
“No one,” Bradley whispers.
He hears someone sit down next to him and turns around slowly, hoping it’s not her.
And of course, because the universe hates him, it’s her.
“Hey, Bradley,” she says, smirking.
“Natasha,” he responds coolly.
Billy reaches over him and extends a hand to her. “Hi! I’m Billy, his roommate.” She obliges, shaking his hand. Billy leans back and stares at them. “How do you guys know each other? Bradley, you said nothing interesting happened last night. Now I find out you met a girl?”
Bradley makes a face. “Not like that. She is not my type.”
“Yeah, and you’re not mine,” Natasha says, rolling her eyes. “Bradley here just doesn’t want to make any friends.”
Billy gasps dramatically. “Bradley, am I not your friend?”
“No, I– you– yeah, you are,” Bradley says helplessly.
Billy grins. “Good, ‘cause you’re my friend.” He stops and looks at Natasha, and then back at Bradley. “Can she be our friend too?”
“Yeah, Bradley, can I?” Natasha asks with a smug look on her face.
Bradley groans, burying his face in his hands. He is getting so tag-teamed right now. “Yeah, okay, fine, whatever.”
“Hell yeah!” Billy says, fist-bumping Natasha.
They keep finding him, Billy and Nat. They sit with him at lunch, they group up with him in class, they invite him out. And, well, Bradley doesn’t do all that much to discourage them. As much as he hates to admit it, it’s nice to have people. It’s nice to walk into a room and know that someone’s there waiting for him. So he lets them stay.
And yet, he can’t shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen. It creeps up on him when they’re all sitting and laughing together, or when he’s alone at night thinking about his day. There’s this looming sense that, just as quickly as they entered his life, they could leave again. Just like his parents. Just like Mav and Ice. He could walk into a room one day and Nat and Billy might not be there. He should know by now, nothing is ever sure or reliable. He’s never been enough to make anyone stay, so why would it be any different now?
He carries that feeling in the back of his mind all the time. Some of it melts away when he’s with them, but never completely, and it always comes back after they’re gone.
It’s always lurking, and he keeps seeing his mother’s face when she told him his dad wasn’t coming home, Mav’s defeated expression when the doctor told him his mom had cancer, Mav telling him he wasn’t ready. The feeling, the whisper of they’ll leave too, just you wait.
He tries to pull away slowly, tries to accept the inevitability, because if he leaves first, if it’s his choice and not the world’s, it’ll hurt less.
That’s what he tells himself, at least. He’s not sure whether it’s really true, but he’ll find out eventually.
They’re sitting on one of the grassy lawns outside for lunch, shaded by a tree that’s probably older than their parents, and Nat and Billy are arguing good-naturedly over the best sandwich ingredients. Bradley watches them with a smile, but doesn’t join in. Even though he’s sitting right next to them, he feels like he’s a world apart. He has to be, for his own sake.
Nat looks over at him. “Bradley, what do you think?”
Bradley blinks. He hadn’t been following exactly what they were saying too closely.
“Smoked or roasted turkey?” Billy prompts helpfully.
Bradley shrugs. “I don’t know. Smoked, I guess?”
Nat tilts her head, then turns more fully to face him. “Are you okay? You’ve been really quiet lately.”
“Yeah, fine,” Bradley says. He knows that won’t be enough to satisfy her, so he adds, “Just tired. And, you know, I’m not that talkative in the first place.”
“Yeah, okay,” she says slowly. Then, “You know you can talk to us if something’s up, right? You don’t have to keep it in.”
“I know,” Bradley says. He just doesn’t want to. He doesn’t know if he could even put this feeling into words if he tried.
“Okay,” she says again. “You’re sure nothing’s wrong?”
“Yes, I’m sure,” Bradley says frustratedly. “Everything’s fine. Would you stop prodding?”
“We’re just worried, that’s all,” Billy says. “You haven’t really seemed like yourself these past few weeks.”
Bradley can’t help laughing at that. “Myself? You guys don’t even know what that looks like. You don’t really know who I am.”
“Then show us,” Nat says emphatically. “You’re always closed off, Bradley. You’re allowed to show us who you are. That’s what friends are for, to know all of you, not just what you choose to put on display. Why can’t you do that with us?”
“I told you before, I didn’t come here to make friends,” Bradley says, raising his voice. “But you guys just popped up out of nowhere, and– and now I’m stuck with you, which would be fine if you didn’t want to know things about me so fucking bad!”
“Of course we want to know things about you,” Nat says in exasperation. “It doesn’t have to be everything, but you can’t just shut people out. You’re our friend.”
And Bradley realizes it can’t be a slow, gradual thing, it has to be a clean break. Something undeniable that he can’t fix, so he won’t be tempted.
“Well,” he says, already preparing to feel the tearing pain in his chest, “maybe I shouldn’t be.”
Billy inhales sharply, and Nat recoils a little. But instead of getting mad or leaving, she narrows her eyes and declares, “Bullshit.”
Bradley stares at her. “What?”
“That’s bullshit,” she repeats. “You know, I’m not gonna leave when things get hard. I’m not gonna call you a bad friend just because you don’t want to share everything. I just want you to know that you can talk to us if you want to, because we’re here for you. You don’t have to carry everything alone.”
“I do, though,” Bradley says, looking away. “Every time I’ve relied on someone, they’ve let me down. Died or betrayed me or left. I can’t go through that again.”
“You won’t have to,” Billy says, scooting closer to him. “I promise you that won’t happen with us. We’ll be here for you no matter what, and it’s okay if you don’t believe me yet. It’s still true. We’re not leaving.”
Bradley looks at both of them sitting in front of him, earnest eyes and honeyed words that he never thought he’d hear from someone again. “But…” he cuts himself off, trying not to choke on a sob. “But what if you decide I’m not good enough?” The words come out almost involuntarily, falling out of him like it’s being pulled from his mouth. He watches them, waits, feeling far too vulnerable as he’s perched on the precipice, ready to fall or be pulled back.
“You are good enough,” Nat says, reaching forward and pulling him into a hug. “You will always be enough, Bradley. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different.”
Bradley lets himself lean into the hug, and the tears finally fall as Billy wraps his arms around both of them, repeating, “You’re enough. You’re worth it, always.”
“Thank you guys,” Bradley manages to whisper through his tears. He hugs them tighter and tries to believe their words, because maybe they really are telling the truth.
Maybe he can finally start to trust someone again.