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Every time Violet has a flare-up, Xaden stares at her like she’s going to break. He tries to mask it, of course, though Violet’s pretty sure anyone with eyes can see him watching her like a hawk whenever she’s in his field of view. And unfortunately, the first chilly day of the fall has her body rebelling like no other. From the moment she woke this morning from a fitful night of sleep, the aches wracking her body have been close to unbearable. Still, she grits her teeth, wraps her joints, and heads down to formation, because for a million reasons, she has no other choice.
Xaden is already there when Violet arrives, and she feels the moment his eyes lock onto her. She tries to avoid eye contact and focus on crossing the courtyard as normally as possible, but she can feel the intensity of his gaze.
Violet?
The tone is gentle enough, giving her the opportunity to tell him what he’s clearly already noticed.
I’m fine.
She isn’t, but she has to be. Her body feels like it’s trying to sink into the earth, but she has to be fine. She’s never not had to be fine.
Stop staring at me, Violet reminds Xaden, and he reluctantly turns his head away. For the moment.
Formation never lasts long, but as the aching seems to overflow from her joints to her bones, it feels like an eternity. Violet has no doubt that Rhi, Ridoc, or Sawyer has noticed her shifting her weight uncomfortably, but their poker faces are solid. Unlike someone else’s. Even from meters away, she can see the tick in Xaden’s jaw as he tries not to look at her. By the time formation is over, Violet can feel Xaden’s restlessness through the bond. Violet deliberately turns and walks away, knowing Xaden will follow. His footsteps fall into line behind hers until they make it to a shaded corner of the courtyard.
“What’s going on?” Xaden asks, as if there’s some external threat Violet needs to be protected from. His eyes flash, and what Violet once would’ve taken as a warning she now recognizes as a plea.
“I’m fine. It’s just a flare up day.” And it is. She’s been through many before, and she’ll be through many more over the course of her life. It’s nothing to write home about, but Xaden’s still looking at her like she’s made of glass.
“Really, Xaden. I’m okay. Now get to class.”
For once, the wingleader does as he’s told, though reluctantly. Violet heads off as well, internally groaning at the idea of a long day full of classes when even sitting still is bound to bring her agony.
She’s not alone for long enough to let the mask slip.
“You good?” Rhi murmurs under her breath, coming up behind Violet to walk to class together. Violet gives her a look for even asking, but softens her gaze when Rhi holds up her hands innocently. “You’re my friend. I have to check.”
“I know. Thanks. I’ll make it.” Violet’s reply is short, as every ounce of her energy has to go into holding herself normally, not letting a step falter. Even now, showing weakness isn’t safe.
She makes it through her morning classes, but by the time lunch rolls around, Violet’s appetite is gone. Rhi glares at her long enough that she picks at some bread, but doesn’t get much farther. Rationally, Violet knows that not eating won’t make this day any easier, but of all the things she’s able to force herself to do today, this isn’t one of them.
By the time she’s done for the evening, things have only deteriorated. The throbbing pain is all that Violet can think about, every inch of her body screaming for relief. She manages to ditch Rhi and the others, intent on heading back to her room and collapsing into bed. After all today’s taken out of her, she has to find a way to put herself back together again for tomorrow.
“Just where do you think you’re going?” Xaden asks, stepping out of the shadows to block her path. It’s barely a question, the way he says it, and the eyebrow raise he gives her makes it clear he’s not amused.
“Bed,” Violet replies, as defiantly as she can manage.
“I have it on good authority you haven’t eaten today,” Xaden accuses, crossing his arms. He leans up against the stone wall, warmly lit by the mage lights, and the sight would’ve been unbearably tempting if Violet could think of anything but pain. She goes to push past Xaden, but a wave of dizziness hits and she’s suddenly unsteady on her feet, swaying like a tree branch in a storm.
Xaden immediately grabs her by the waist, eyes widening in concern. “Violet?”
“I’m good,” she answers automatically, trying to convince the both of them. Xaden knits his brows together, worry and exasperation marring his features. Violet gently removes Xaden’s hands, standing up straight in an effort to make her point.
The look on Xaden’s face doesn’t change, and he keeps his hands hovering as near to her without touching as he can. “Let me help you,” he pleads, and a wave of guilt washes over Violet.
“I can make it. I just want to get to bed, and I’ll be fine,” Violet protests. She’s dealt with these bad days a thousand times before, and never needed help before.
I never said you needed help, Violence. I asked you to let me help you, Xaden points out. His voice is so silky through the bond, low and intimate, and Violet is tempted to give in.
“I need to do this,” Violet answers out loud. She moves to pass him again, and this time, Xaden shifts to let her. His eyes are dark and dull as he tries to suppress his desire to rescue her, but Sorrengails don’t need rescues. They fight, they bleed, they die if they have to – but they do not get rescued.
“I’m getting you food, and I’m meeting you in your room,” Xaden tries to compromise. He’s flexing his hands in and out of fists, as if he’s physically itching to help her. This time, his tone brooks no argument.
“Fine,” Violet replies, striding towards the staircase and starting upwards. Xaden doesn’t move from his post near the foot of the stairs. Violet makes it nearly to the top before a shooting pain crests over her and she collapses to her knees, trying and failing to stifle a gasp of pain. She’s vaguely aware of Xaden’s footsteps pounding up the stairs, what sounds like two or three at a time, and then he’s kneeling in front of her.
“Look at me, Violence,” Xaden requests, gently tipping her chin up and meeting her gaze. “It will be quicker if you let me carry you. Let me help you. Please.”
Clearly, the universe was hell-bent on bruising the pride of at least one of them today. Violet looks away from his desperate expression, clenching her jaw in frustration. “Fine.” The word is barely out of her mouth before Xaden reaches for her and lifts her into his arms. She swears she feels him exhale in relief as she settles against his chest, soothing herself with the calming rhythm of his heart.
Xaden keeps his promise to be discreet, keeping the two unseen as they make their way to Violet’s room and cross the threshold. Xaden insists on helping her change and take down her hair before settling her into bed and tucking her in more tenderly than she’s ever seen this man do anything.
“Do you want anything for the pain?” Xaden asks, sitting on the edge of the bed and studying her face. Violet considers, but procuring pain relief would be more trouble than it’s worth. She shakes her head no, reminding herself again and again that she’s been through worse. But the reminders are little comfort when the pain keeps pushing itself to the forefront of her mind.
“Thank you,” Violet says, closing her eyes and focusing on her breathing.
“I’m going to go get you something from the kitchen. We need to get some food into you, even if it’s just broth.” Xaden is still determined to be her mother hen, and Violet can’t help the soft smile that rises to her lips.
“I just want sleep,” Violet complains anyways, suppressing the urge to pout up at him.
“You better not until I get back and we get you something to eat. I have no qualms about waking you out of a sound sleep, Violence.”
She hums noncommittally, content to lay in this bed forever. Or, at least until the pain stops. Xaden reaches out and strokes her hair gently, then seems to consider himself for a moment before leaning down and kissing the crown of Violet’s head.
Then he’s gone from the room and Violet drifts off to sleep almost immediately. When Xaden returns, he stares down at the sleeping woman. For the first time today, the tension is gone from her face and she looks at peace.
And as much as he knows he should, he can’t bring himself to wake her.