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“Hey, I’m sorry..." Buck feels like he’s completed a marathon, or maybe even two. All he's done is sit in his apartment, mulling over the events of the evening, before realizing he needed to speak to somebody.
So, he got into his car and drove to the person he can always count on.
Maddie stares at him, slowly blinking. “Buck, it’s the middle of the night.”
“Sorry.” His heart thumps in his ears, and if he doesn’t sit down soon, he may crumple into a heap. “I just—I just, um–”
“Hey.” Worry fills Maddie’s face. She reaches out, pressing a hand to his arm. “It’s okay. Come inside.”
Buck takes careful steps toward the dinner table, because if Jee-Yun hears a floorboard creak, she’ll be up.
He thanks the stars that Chimney is working. While he hopes to tell everybody about his revelation, he intends on taking it slow.
Maddie takes a glass from her cupboard and fills it with water, which she places in front of him. He takes a sip, ignoring how much his hands tremble as he does.
He can sense Maddie’s concerned gaze, looking for answers and worrying about worst case scenarios, as both of them tend to do.
“Buck, look at me.” She takes his hand, and mimics a deep breath, for him to follow. “Breathe.”
“I’m okay,” he pants, taking time to calm himself. “I promise, I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine.” Maddie’s eyes are frantically searching for an answer, and he can see the panic growing in them.
“I spoke to Eddie,” he calms his tone, hoping to show her that he is okay.
“Yeah?”
“He forgives me. And I owe him a few favors,” Buck says, with a smile.
“Rightfully so.”
“I, ur…” Buck laughs, bowing his head. Then, he stops, taking a second to compose himself.
This is the moment. The leap of faith he knows that queer people take every single day, and this one is his.
He isn’t sure what he wants or needs to say. There’s no manual for this, and researching ‘how to come out’ only guides him so far. “Do you ever feel like you’re not complete?” he finally asks.
Maddie frowns. “Not complete?”
“Like there’s parts of who you are, that you haven’t discovered yet, and when you do, everything kinda, comes into focus,” he stammers.
“Sure.” Maddie nods. “I think that’s life, right? We’re always changing.”
“I guess.”
“Evan?” She speaks gently, as if she’s calling out to him, despite being sat side-by-side. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
“I just, kinda don’t know how to explain it.” Buck sits up in his chair, clutching his hands together.
“I’ll understand.”
There’s no right or wrong way to do this, but Buck feels like he’s about to take center stage and perform a song he doesn’t know.
“Tommy kissed me,” Buck blurts.
Surprise crosses Maddie’s face, and her jaw slacks slightly. “Tommy kissed you?” Her expression morphs with realization, and she smiles. “And how did that make you feel?”
“I, um, I kissed him back,” Buck splutters, his hands flailing about in front of him. “I wanted to, and I…” He suddenly becomes aware that his cheeks are wet with tears.
He’s not entirely sure why he’s crying. He’s certainly not upset. If anything, he’s joyous.
“It felt like, um that—” he cries.
“Everything came into focus?” Maddie finishes.
“Yeah, yeah.” He runs his hands over his cheeks. “It really did.”
Maddie jumps to her feet and pulls him into her arms. Since he’s sitting down, she has a height advantage, and as he wraps his hands around her back, he feels like a little kid again.
The same one who always ran to his big sister.
“Thank you for telling me,” she whispers in his ear as she clings to him. She steps back to press a kiss against his birthmark. “I’m proud—oh, and I.” Tears are filling her eyes. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Buck spots the clock on the wall behind Maddie, and inwardly cringes. “I’m sorry I woke you.”
“It’s fine.” She waves a dismissive hand as she sits down. “You can always wake me up when you need me.”
"Thank you." He relaxes, and then says, “I thought I’d be–”
“You’d be what?”
“Confused, but I’m not, it all makes sense.” He leans his head in his hand. “There are all these moments I’ve looked back at, and I know now, what they meant.” He lifts his shoulder in a half-shrug. “I just, I never knew that this was a discovery I could made–”
“What, at your old age?” She teases. “Not everybody knows exactly who they’re going to be by 18.” Her smile somehow grows wider. “I’m so happy for you. You look–” she cuts herself off, tilting her head like she’s had an epiphany of her own.
“What?”
“You don’t look like you’re holding the weight of the world on your back anymore.”
Buck lets out another breath, and like every one since Tommy kissed him, it is filled with relief.
Because he’s finally free.