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Buck can feel the eyes on him the second he steps into the firehouse. Damnit, he knew he should’ve asked Bobby for a sick day, but he wasn’t going to let his parent’s revelation steal the one thing that brings him joy. He can suck it for the day. Except apparently he can’t because he spends the shift in a awful mood. And he’s sure everyone has noticed. He didn’t offer to help Bobby make lunch. He didn’t share fun facts he learned while researching. He didn’t make a single inappropriate comments.
Of course, Eddie is the one who notices first and keeps his eyes on Buck throughout their shift to make sure he doesn’t miss anything. Lord knows that Buck’s favorite pastime is to pretend he’s ok. It’s not until the last call of the day that Buck cracks.
They’re called to a house where an 8-year-old kid, set the kitchen on fire trying to cook dinner for his parents. They arrived on scene to find the dotted-white-marble stove top burning, the flames infecting all of its surroundings. The blue towel hung at the bottom of the oven almost gone and the whole room covered in smoke.
The poor kid was stuck in the middle of the kitchen island with no way of getting out. The parents screamed hysterically at the 118. Bobby tried to calm them down with soft reassurances “Ma’am, Sir, he will be alright. Please let us do our jobs.”
The team goes through the motions. He and Eddie work on getting the kid out of there and putting the fire out. They hand the kid back to his parents. He has a strange resemblance to a young Buck. Same curly blond hair. Same lost look in his eyes.
They manage to put out the fire and make the cables are secured so they don’t spark again.
No longer distracted by his job, Buck notices the sweet scene before him. The parents hold their son in a high embrace, whispering small reassurances to each other. Roger, that's is name, Buck learns, starts muttering between sobs.
"I'm sorry, mom. I didn't mean it. I promise!" he says, pleading his case.
"shush, baby. It's ok. I'm just happy that you're safe. You're in big trouble, mr." she says jokingly and seriously at the same time.
The team wraps up the scene, leaving everything cleaned. Thankfully, they didn't have to take Roger to the hospital. Hen and Chimney checked him out and he had no burns that they could see and lungs were clear.
The rest of the shift is pretty much the same. Except, for some reason, he can't get that kid out of his mind. The uncanny resemblance.. the way his parents treated him...
Back in his lonely, dark loft, Buck is lost inside his own mind and doesn’t know what to do. Why couldn’t he be loved like that? He tried, he fucking tried getting his parent’s attention, but nothing was ever good enough.
Those parents screamed and screamed for their kid, hugged him and told him that he was loved and didn’t need to impress them. Even apologized for making him feel like he had to. Buck thought back to when he fell off the tree, only to be reminded how he could’ve died and to be careful.
No love. No tenderness in his mother’s eyes.
The thought of his parents apologizing makes him laugh, as if they would ever. Buck gets it, he gets why they don’t love him. Maddie told him about Daniel three days ago, of course they blamed him, he’s the reason his brother is dead. Him and his defective parts.
He’s worthless, he knows that. He doesn’t deserve his parent’s love. He doesn’t-
“Buck, open up or I’m using my key” He can recognize that voice anywhere, it’s Eddie. He can’t listen to him right now, can’t look at the concerned look he definitely has in his eyes.
But, it’s Eddie, and Buck has never been one to deny him anything. So he opens the door.
“Eddie, wait,” Buck can’t get a word in before Eddie storms the apartment and makes himself at home, a look of determination in his eyes.
“Buck, talk to me. You haven’t been the same since your parents came to visit. And how you reacted today, Buck, I’m worried.” Fuck, that’s right, Buck had told Eddie over movie night with Christopher that his parent’s were coming to see Maddie.
“Not right now, Eddie. I can’t, ” Buck says, desperate for him to take the hint. To throw him a bone, but, of course, it’s Buck and when has he ever had luck. Eddie always has been alway to read him like a book he wrote. Instead, he brings his palms up to Buck’s face.
“Buck, look at me. It’s me. What’s wrong?” The older man searching for an answer in Buck’s eyes.
And Buck can’t take it. He can’t resist Eddie’s loving gaze.
So he moves to the brown couch, sits down, and tells him. About his secret brother. About the leukemia. About his failure to save his brother. About his parent’s detachment towards him that plagued his childhood.
As he finishes, he glances down, focusing on a piece of granite floor, focusing on his breathing, and waits for Eddie to react, hoping and praying that he won’t look at him with disgust. Breathe, Buck. Breathe.
“Buck,-“ Eddie says as he moves to close their distance, “Can I touch you?” Buck hesitantly nods. Eddie wraps him up in his arms trying to shield him from any pain.
“You don’t deserve this. What can of parents do that? Buck, you know it’s not-“
He sees the realization reach Eddie’s eyes, hitting him like another bullet.
“Last week, today it makes sense. Buck, it’s not your fault.” He says, begging Buck to see sense.
“It is not your fault.” Eddie repeats. “It is not your fault. You are not broken,” with more conviction each time.
“Eddie, stop,” Buck says, putting a hand up for defense.
“Buck—“
“It is. I was born just for my body and I couldn’t even do that right. Couldn’t have the right parts to save my brother,” he laughs like this is some cosmic joke, “you know what? It makes sense why everyone I ever dated left after we slept together. They saw I was no good.” Buck was certain about that. Abby left, Ali left, and Taylor just used him for sex. They got what they wanted, but he wasn’t enough.
“Buck, no.” Eddie starts to say, walking closer to Buck but he pulls away. “It was not fair to you. You shouldn’t have been put in that position. Buck, you are so much more than your body. You are the most giving, kind, selfless, interesting, and smartest person I know. I see you, Buck. I see you with Christopher, how he lights up every single time he sees you. I see how you drop everything for us; for your family. I see how you love with your entire being. And those women are fucking idiots.” Eddie tries to convey all the love he has for him through words and wishing he could do more.
And Buck? Well, he lost it at the mention of Christopher. That kid is his kryptonite and he knows as soon as Eddie finds a girlfriend, he’ll be cool uncle Buck. And that’s fine. It’s fine as long as he gets to stay in his life. He’s now sobbing, feeling like the structure he built inside himself over the years crumbled.
The last straw is Eddie moving his arms to tenderly dry off his tears with his thumbs.
“It is an honor to be able love you, Evan Buckley.” Eddie says steadily and calmly like it’s a universal truth. Buck doesn’t know how to respond to that.
“You love me?” For the first time Buck allows himself to hope. To hope that the feeling that has been building up in his chest like magma for years, was mutual.
“I love you, Cariño, and I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it to you.”
“But, why? Jesus, Eddie, look at me? I’m a mess. I can’t do this. I— no, you deserve someone better. Someone who is strong and doesn’t break as easy.” Buck says, silently reprimanding himself for ever having hope.
“Buck, that’s my choice to make. You don’t get to decide what I need. I do. Now, do you love me?”
“ Of course, I love you, too, Eddie. So much that it feels unbearable.” Buck says as Eddie’s eyes drop to his lips and stare like it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. “But, I can’t. I can’t loose you. And it kills me because all I want to do is kiss you but the minute I do you’ll just leave me.”
“Buck, kiss me. I promise I won’t leave. Let me love you. Let me stay. ” Eddie does forward and closes the distance. Their lips like long lost lovers, immediately taking home in each other, like they’ve done this a million times before.
They slowly break apart to catch their breathes. The older man not letting go of Buck’s cheeks.
He definitely needs to heal, Buck thinks. Just because they confused their feelings for each other doesn’t mean everything is suddenly ok. But it will be. With some work. And someone to stay.