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He already lost his voice by the time they brought got to the hospital, strained from all the crying he let out. His eyes were burnt from all the tears that’s been running down his face as he waits. Was Niki even breathing? He had been panicking for so long that he was growing accustomed to those irregular heartbeats.
HiMERU and Kohaku were sitting next to him. Yet, even with their presence—along with everyone else in the waiting room—Niki still felt alone. He felt like he had reverted back to when he was fourteen years old, forced to endure solitude in the leisure of his own home after a harsh day at school.
Niki thought of what was now at stake. Everything they had been working for—everything Rinne had be working for… It all soon could be for nothing.
The click and the sound of a door opening causes Niki to stand, preparing to hear what the doctor had to say.
Unfortunately, it was just a couple taking their leave.
The sight of the two holding each other close, it made Niki clenched his fist. They had something Niki was in dire need of right now from his own, and he felt a seep of jealousy arise when he knew he couldn't get what he wanted.
”Shiina…” HiMERU attempts to call from his seat. Even the unitmate, that always kept it together, was at a lost. What was HiMERU supposed to do in this case? Does he comfort Niki? Ask him to sit back down? In the end, his words never made it to Niki, who soon sat back down with a clouded mind.
It would be a bit longer before the doctors finally gave the unit approval to enter the room.
The duration was nothing but a form of torture for Niki, but it would be nothing compared to the sight of him—the left side of his head wrapped in bandages as spots of dried blood were still scattered on his face.
His smile was different. It lost its sharpness, its mischievous gesture. Now it was just a smile.
”Rinne…” Niki whispered, taking in the sight as he awaits for a response. Say something! Niki internally demands. Laugh at the look on my face! Get up and pull my ponytail! Beg me for some money!
…But there was nothing.
At least, nothing that Niki wanted to hear.
”Uhm, who are you guys, again?” Rinne asks, trying to recall his, so called, friends—recall his, so called, lover.
The doctor tries to remind him of their names, but the damage is already done. Niki feels his lips tighten as he shuts his eyes, a shaky breath leaving him as he turns and walks away. HiMERU stops Niki from wandering too far, asking Kohaku to enter the room and keep their once-leader occupied.
”Shiina…” HiMERU whispers, placing a hand on Niki’s shoulder as the cook silently breaks down.
Niki is unable to keep a hold on himself, hyperventilating. ”I—I can’t. I can’t do this.” That was all he could get out before he sobs, encountering a panic attack. He could barely stay grounded in reality, even with HiMERU by his side.
Everything Rinne had was gone. Everything he worked, pushed, and sacrificed for was all for nothing in the end. Even this relationship that was held very close to him could not make it out of this without being harshly damaged.
~
It had been some weeks. Everyone agreed that it would be best if Rinne stayed with Niki in their old apartment when he was released from the hospital. Still, even with the two being in the same house, it will never be the same.
Nothing would return to normal, but things did have time to settle in. Rinne was starting to remember Niki’s name, so that’s something.
But a name is nothing to the years worth of memories that were lost.
As far as being an idol, arrangements were in the works. Rinne may still be able to preform, but it’s been a topic of discussion that someone else in Crazy:B takes the title of leader. Fans have already sent their condolences, some even encouraged to send the unit some funds to help make accommodations, such as possible therapy, more accessible.
Still, it’s not Rinne being able to sing that hurts Niki, it's the lost purpose behind his singing.
All of it felt pointless when Rinne, himself, couldn’t even recall what pushed him to become an idol in the first place.
He was, in a few ways, reverted back to that of a child. The smallest things kept him satisfied. No more gambling, no more pachinko… All Rinne needed to keep him entertained, at least for now, was a cheap piano keyboard.
Ibara saw this as a good thing, saying something along the lines of, “This could help him remember his love for music.” Others said this proved he was still a singer at heart. And, Niki won’t lie, they’re probably onto something…
But the look on Rinne's face never failed to pain Niki's heart. This was someone who now smiled just for the sake of smiling, not for the sake of teasing others—something Niki deemed memorable when it came to his partner.
”Hey, Niki!” Rinne eagerly calls, “Listen to this! I’m onto something!” Even his sharp accent was gone.
Rinne proceeded to play a small piece he composed. It mostly consisted of Rinne holding down a key for a bit before switching to another one. Still, it was music, nonetheless.
Once Rinne finished, he looked up at Niki and waited for his feedback.
Niki smiles, giving a short nod. “That was very good, Rinne.”
His boyfriend laughs, clearly wanting to compose something else so he could continue to gain Niki’s approval. That's something that stuck out with him. Rinne only wanted Niki's approval. Not HiMERU. Not Hiiro. He wanted Niki's approval. Niki couldn’t help but believe this may be sights of the old Rinne still being in there, somewhere.
The more he thought about it, the doctor never gave him a definitive answer when it came to Rinne’s amnesia. The possibility of him recovering was small, but there was still a chance.
Or maybe, Niki is desperate to save the Rinne he knew from the past, not wanting to face the truth of the matter.
While Rinne kept composing, Niki stood up and took a moment to collect himself in their bedroom—feeling another wave of grief making its way through his system.
He tried to control his volume, not wanting Rinne to hear his sobs over his keyboard as he sighs, tears running down his face; he couldn't help himself from sniffling. There has never been a day Niki felt this empty inside, the bags under his eyes darkening by the day.
Even then, he had the nerve to try and come into work every once in a while—but that was shot down shortly, his manger telling him to stay home. HiMERU and Kohaku were quick to agree with that statement. Rinne needed to recover, Niki needed to heal.
After a few minutes, Niki wipes his eyes. That familiar, burning sensation remaining after doing so. He takes a deep breath, looking away before catching the sight of Rinne’s phone on his nightstand.
It’s been left untouched ever since he got home—Rinne unable to recall the passcode, leaving Niki to be the only one who could open it and look through one of the few things that kept memory of past Rinne.
The screen is cracked, but not to the point it’s impossible to see what’s on there. Niki could've swore he could feel reminisces of wiped-off blood in the corner of Rinne's phone.
Rinne's wallpaper is what you expect: Rinne and Niki, the redhead wrapping an arm around Niki's neck as he kisses the cook on the cheek. Niki could recall Rinne once saying how this will always be his favorite photo of them.
He takes a seat on Rinne’s side of the bed, hunching over as he places his elbows on his knees, unlocking the phone and wondering where to even start.
Niki pulled up the apps that were running in the background—good Lord, Niki forgot how cluttered Rinne’s phone was. He never closed anything.
He was about to close them all for the sake of conserving the small battery life that remained, but something caught his attention.
Why was voice recorder the last app Rinne had opened on his phone?
Curious, Niki opened the app, only finding one recording. He felt himself be dowsed in dread when he discovers that the date was that of the accident.
This was going to be a hard to listen to. Niki took a moment to collect and calm himself, his thumb shaking over the recording. With a deep breath, Niki brought himself to press and listen.
Immediately, the audio is heavy and nearly incoherent. The sounds of Rinne grunting in deep pain could be heard. “Hey… Hey Niki…” Rinne mumbles, struggling to speak.
”I’m…” He pants, “I’m goin’ in and out. So, I’ll keep this short so you can walk away from this with somethin’…”
”I really messed up, huh? God, it hurts." Rinne weakly cries out in pain. "I want you here to with me, Niki. I want you to comfort me—just like you always do.” He sounds as if he's begging.
”I don’t know if I’m goin’ to make it out of this. So— So, can you check under my side of the bed? I have somethin’ I made— made for you, but never brought myself to give it to you. Writin’ was never my strong suit… It— It never was my… I—I love you, Niki…”
The rest of the recording was nothing but the sounds Rinne passing out before the ambulance finally arrived, approaching Rinne and his phone. It abruptly cuts off shortly after.
But Niki wouldn't know that's how the rest of the recording unfolds, pausing it before he could get through the recording.
Niki couldn’t catch the phone before it slides out of his hand, his hands shaking as he encounters another breakdown—this one worst than the last.
The reveal that even Rinne didn't believe he was going to make it out alive, recording a message as a form of a final goodbye, haunted Niki.
Niki couldn’t keep himself grounded, having to breathe out of his mouth and use his shirt as a fan while he sits on the bed, feeling another panic attack coming along as his eyes continued to burn and sting.
It would take Niki a while to recover.
Rinne, while sitting in the living room, can hear his boyfriend cry in the other room. This has become a normal occurrence, Rinne never knowing what to do other than wait for Niki to take a moment and pick himself back up on his feet.
Fortunately, Niki is able to come back to his senses in the end. He takes a few deep breaths, wiping his tears away just enough so he doesn’t look like a complete disaster.
He recalls what his boyfriend left for him, scooting to the end of the bed. He picks up Rinne’s phone from the ground and placing it back in its original place; afterwards, Niki crouches down and searches underneath the bed.
He soon catches a glimpse of a thin, black box; that inside revealing to be a single piece of paper.
Niki grabs ahold of it, but decides it would be best to head back out into the living room so he can keep eye on Rinne—still in the same spot he was in when Niki left.
Rinne smiles, not wanting to remind Niki of what he just faced.
He does, however, catches a glimpse of the paper.
”What’s that?” Rinne asks, the irony of it all hurting Niki inside.
”It’s… A letter, I think.” Niki replies, his grip on the paper being tighter than he realized.
Niki wants to read it, but… Maybe it would be better if…
He extends his arm out with the paper in hand, “Do you want to try and read it?”
Rinne blinks, not expecting the invitation. “Sure, I can.” He agrees as he takes the paper with a sense of delicacy Niki would have never seen from Rinne. The redhead could tell that this paper is special to Niki, so he makes sure to treat it with extra care.
It’s quite a sight to see Rinne, unknowingly, attempt to decipher his own handwriting. Thankfully, he manages to figure it out in a short span of time. Rinne clears his throat a bit before carefully reading out every word of the letter that filled up a single side of the paper.
To the one I’m writing this to, you know who.
I write this to get out some feelings I haven’t been able to express for some reason. I guess my love for this guy is so big, it’s getting past my own mental capacity. I carry love for a guy I truly don’t deserve ever since the fateful night I met him.
He sacrificed his life for me, and I promised him that I would make up for it by giving him my life in due time. Am I loving him enough? I hope I am. I don’t think he understands how much I love him. I feel as if I have grown to have my own curse—in a way like his. This curse is probably that Cupid’s arrow, or whatever people call it. Either way, it makes me crazy for the guy, I definitely want to marry him.
I love him.
I will continue to love him, even as I grow old.
I will continue to love him, even if I become the richest Idol in the world.
I will continue to love him, even if we go back to my village.
I truly love him, with my whole being and heart. And maybe, one day, I'll grab the will to give to him as let him know how much I love him.
As Rinne places the paper on the table, both men would find themselves crying.
Niki sniffles, “Why are you crying, Rinne?”
Rinne looks away, confused, “…I don’t know. For some reason, I feel like I understand how this person feels…”
”I just… I wonder who they wrote this letter to…”
Niki swore he was going to have another breakdown. Hearing Rinne ask that question made it all more painful.
He felt like he would have no more tears to spare by tomorrow at this point.
”Yeah…” Niki whispers. “I wonder who…”