Chapter Text
In their second to last year at Hogwarts, the great hall was abuzz with chattering students. Blaise and Dazai joked happily, nudging each other and eating their dinner.
As Pansy watched them, disgust overtook her expression.
“Geez, must you two openly flirt like a married couple in front of all of us? Gross.” She stuck her tongue out.
The boys looked at each other before turning away with pink dusting their cheeks. Pansy rolled her eyes as she watched them.
“You know Pansy.” Dazai smirked at her. “I make it my personal mission to piss you off every single day.” He beamed. She scoffed and got ready to yell something at him before Draco stopped her with a raised hand.
“I’m not in the mood to listen to you two bicker today, I have a headache. Save it for later.” Draco whined.
Pansy shot a nasty look at Dazai before listening to Draco and stuffing some food into her mouth.
-
Dazai laid on the couch in the Hounds office, tossing and turning. He couldn’t fall asleep, he had too much on his mind.
Love was something Dazai had discovered for the very first time back in their second year.
-
He had accidentally learned one day that his love language is physical touch (thanks to a damn book he read out of boredom), which is crazy to him because “something like me is incapable of love” and “feelings are gross.” But then his mind starts to wander… he thinks back to how his hand felt in Blaise’s hand, how he felt when Ron and Draco helped him up at the Owlery, how he felt in Blaise’s arms a few times, how the twins’s arms felt wrapped around his shoulders, and more similar moments. There was something warm and gentle about that kind of touch.
He had experienced physical touch many times from father and Mori, but that was different. That kind of touch always left him broken, beaten, hurting, scarred. So why would his love language be physical touch? He realized this love language was the kind of touch that his friends, among a few others, had given him.
He tried to convince himself that this revelation was wrong because there’s no way he could love and there’s no way he could feel. But, a tiny part of him wondered that if he did have a love language, does that mean he is actually capable of love after all? And if something like him was capable of love, would that make him more… human?
He decided to put this to the test. He tried to experience all the kind, gentle touches he could. Hermione gave him a warm hug, Ron had patted his shoulder, the twins ruffled his hair which he ended up swatting them away in faux annoyance (as usual), Draco put his hands on his shoulders to stare directly into his eyes as he lectured him like a toddler, and Blaise held his hand protectively as they walked through the school once again. All of these touches, Dazai grew to love, much to his annoyance. All of these touches, he found himself craving. All of these touches caused his heart to flutter. Even though this was a new feeling and feelings are gross, he couldn’t say that he hated it.
This was the love he had discovered. The love that friends share with each other. The love that causes you to feel safe and strong… the love that reminds you that you’re not alone anymore. And maybe, just maybe, love isn’t such a bad thing after all.
-
Or so he thought… This feeling was definitely love, but it felt much different this time, years later.
Blaise Zabini. A boy who had stolen Dazai’s heart. There was a problem though… Mori’s words rang through his head.
“No one will ever love you with scars like these. The moment they see your scars, they’ll leave you. It’s best to keep them covered if you actually want people to care about you. Whatever you do, never show them what’s beneath those bandages.”
If Dazai were to have a romantic relationship, there’s no doubt that they’d see what was under his bandages eventually. He didn’t want to lose Blaise, so anytime he felt them getting closer, he’d push back. Anytime he felt his heart flutter, he’d bury his feelings. Anytime he wanted to confess, he’d swallow those words down and bite his tongue.
“Blaise and I… we can’t.” He huffed and rolled over to his other side.
He ended up not getting a wink of sleep that night.
-
“Dazai?” Blaise asked. Dazai startled out of his thoughts.
“Yes?”
“You seem lost in thought. Are you ok?” Blaise’s voice was filled with concern.
“Ah, yeah I’m fine.” Dazai shrugged. He was sitting at the desk while the other Hell’s hounds members were sitting around the room, hanging out. Blaise sat on the part of the couch that was closest to Dazai.
“He’s probably planning his next scheme.” Draco rolled his eyes.
“Ooh, any new ideas, boss?” Fred chimed in.
“Actually, I think I know whose test answers we will steal next.” Dazai smirked.
After their quick meeting, the twins and Draco set out for their next heist while Ron and Hermione headed to the library to research a topic Dazai needed more information on.
“You’re not coming with?” George asked Blaise.
“Not this time. I’m sure you three can manage without me.” Blaise responded.
“Alright, I guess we are off then.” Fred waved to Dazai and headed out with George and Draco.
“How come you didn’t want to go?” Dazai asked.
“I wanted to check on you. You’ve been pretty spacey and distant lately. You can lean on me if you need to.”
“I told you, I’m fine.” Dazai lied. He stood up and made his way over to sit next to Blaise on the couch.
Blaise watched him for a moment before humming to himself. He looked Dazai over to make sure nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It was hard to see if he was hurt under those bandages, but the dark circle under his eye is what stood out to him the most.
“You haven’t been sleeping well?”
“I guess not.” Dazai sighed.
“Too much on your mind?”
“Something like that.”
“Well, if you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m here.”
“Thanks Blaise…” Dazai felt a flutter in his heart. “But, I’m fine.”
“If you say so.” Blaise didn’t want to force any answers out of Dazai. Instead, he patiently waited for Dazai to confide in him whenever he needed to.
-
Dazai and Hermione found themselves alone over a book in the library. It was pretty empty at this hour, so they didn’t have any interruptions or lurkers.
“Hermione, can I ask you something?”
“Yes?”
“Do you… like Ron?”
Hermione shot to her feet and gasped. Her face turned bright red and her mouth mimicked a goldfish out of water.
“Me? Like Ron? What gave you that idea?!” She sputtered.
“Hermione, you know nothing gets past me.” Dazai rolled his eye.
Hermione paused and took a deep breath before sitting back down. “You’re right, I should’ve known.” She sighed.
Dazai’s eye found their book again which signaled Hermione to keep searching for what they were researching. A few minutes passed by before Dazai broke the silence once more.
“What’s it like?”
“Hmm?”
“Liking someone… how do you know you like them like that?”
“Well, my heart flutters when I see him. My stomach feels like there are butterflies in it when I talk to him. I could imagine us being together. He’s someone that I’d be fine spending the rest of my life with...” She started listing.
He nodded but kept quiet.
“Dazai, is there someone you like too?”
“Nope.”
“Then why ask?”
“Because I was curious.”
“You like Blaise, don’t you?”
This startled Dazai and he whirled his head around to Hermione to look into her eyes.
“What makes you think that?” He asked with faux disgust on his face.
“It’s been obvious for years now.” Hermione rolled her eyes.
Another awkward silence- another moment with slight tension.
“So what do I do?” Dazai asked.
“What else can you do besides confess?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I’m… hiding something.” He turned away and gripped the bandages wrapped tightly around his wrist. Hermione watched that movement knowing full well what it meant. “If I were to be in a romantic relationship, he would eventually know what I’m hiding.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“Of course it’s a bad thing! If he saw, he’d be so disgusted with me that he would leave me. I’d lose him forever.”
“Blaise isn’t that type of guy. What makes you so sure he’d react that way?”
“Because… what I’m hiding is gross and hideous… no one would ever love something like me.”
Hermione put her hand on Dazai’s shoulder and pulled him close so that they made eye contact.
“Dazai, I can’t speak on what you’re hiding because I haven’t seen it for myself… but I do know that if Blaise truly loved you for who you are, which I’m sure he does, then he would accept whatever it is in a heartbeat.”
“You think Blaise… likes me?”
“I know he does. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I’ve seen the way he lights up when you’re around him. He’s made it obvious way before you have.”
Dazai looked away with blushed cheeks and a slight smile on his face.
“You know Blaise by now. I think you should trust him more. He is your second-in-command, after all. And besides, if you keep holding in these feelings and pushing him away, you’re only going to end up hurting both of you in the end.”
He took that information in before closing his book.
“Thanks, Hermione.”
“No problem. Anytime you need relationship advice, you’re welcome to come to me.”
“I will. Also, when are you and Ron getting together already? Just ask him out.”
“I’ll tell you what Dazai, if you and Blaise end up dating, I’ll ask Ron out.”
“Deal!” They shook on it.
-
.
.
.
-
Blaise was sitting with Draco and Pansy in the common rooms.
“I think the answer is on page 181.” Draco nodded to himself.
“Yeah, you’re right!” Pansy flipped through her textbook and pointed a finger at the answer they had been looking for.
“How are you doing on the homework, Blaise?” Pansy asked. He startled out of his thoughts as she reached over the table and glanced at his empty paper. “What the heck? You haven’t written a single thing down!”
“Blaise?” He made eye contact with Draco. “Is everything ok? You’ve been spaced out this whole time.”
“I bet he’s worrying over Dazai again.” Pansy rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips.
“I’m fine.” Blaise reassured. He masked his thoughtful expression with a bored one.
“Maybe he’s just hungry?” Draco turned to Pansy. “Maybe you should go get him something to eat?”
“Good idea.” She set her book down. “I’ll go get all of us snacks so that we can focus enough to finish this homework.” She walked out of the common rooms.
Draco turned to Blaise with concern in his eyes. “Blaise, are you worried about Dazai?”
“A little. He hasn’t been sleeping well.”
Draco chuckled at that. “I swear, sometimes you worry like you’re his mother or something.”
“I can’t help that I care about his well-being.” Blaise sounded bored, but Draco knew that was a facade.
“So your thoughtfulness isn’t about the fact that Dazai has been distancing himself from you lately?”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t pretend like I haven’t noticed. You two used to be joined at the hip, but now he struggles to even look you in the eye.”
Draco was right. Blaise was worried for his well-being, sure. But he was also wracking his brain trying to figure out if he did something to break Dazai’s trust in him. Were they really drifting apart?
“You got me.” Blaise sighed. “So, what do I do?”
“You like Dazai, right?”
“Yeah, I guess I do like him a little…”
“I think you should tell him how you feel.”
“Really? But what if he doesn’t feel the same way.”
“I don’t think you have to worry about that.” Draco laughed as Pansy walked in.
“Seems like I missed something funny.” She smirked while dangling a bag of snacks in front of Blaise. He ripped it out of her hands playfully and opened the bag.
“We should try to finish this homework soon. I’m getting bored of sitting here.” Draco wrote something down on his paper.
“Sounds good.” Blaise opened his book.
-
.
.
.
-
Dazai spent the night dwelling on his conversation with Hermione.
‘If there is a chance Blaise likes me back, maybe I should take it.’
He thought about his scars.
‘Maybe I should trust Blaise. He hasn’t let me down so far.’
He unraveled the bandages on his arm and looked it over. He hated seeing his scars and avoided it as much as possible. However, he wanted to get the image of himself in his mind before showing Blaise.
‘I’ll just rip the bandage off and show him before confessing. It would save me the trouble of hiding this for as long as I can before he decides to leave me over it.’
This plan made him uneasy. It made him nauseous. It made him feel terrified. But, it was also necessary. There was no turning back now.
-
“Hey, Blaise.” Dazai greeted him as he sat next to him at breakfast.
“Hey. Did you sleep ok?”
“Nope.”
“That’s a shame.”
Blaise made his plate and started digging in.
Dazai picked up his fork but lightly poked at his food, thoughtful.
“You ok?” Blaise asked.
“I guess.” Dazai put his chin on his open palm.
An awkward silence broke out between them before Dazai spoke up.
“There's… actually something I want to talk to you about.”
Blaise stopped eating and looked at Dazai. “About what?”
“Not here… when we’re alone.”
“Ok, so when do you wanna talk?”
“How about in the hounds office after curfew.”
“Ok, I’ll be there.” Blaise nodded before taking another bite of his food. That might be a good time for him to confess to Dazai.
-
Curfew arrived after many painful hours of waiting all day. The other hounds had left the office ages ago and gone to their common rooms for bedtime.
Dazai and Blaise sat on the couch next to each other.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” Blaise asked.
“Not really talk… I guess it’s more like ‘show?’”
“Show?” Blaise tilted his head, confused.
“I want to show you what’s under my bandages.”
“Are you sure?” Blaise got a look of concern on his face. “I’m happy that you trust me, but will you be ok?”
“We will see. I need to get this out of the way.” Dazai stood up and slipped his cloak off. “Uh, do you mind closing your eyes until I’m done? I’m not really a fan of people watching me get undressed.” Dazai sheepishly hugged himself.
Blaise nodded and closed his eyes.
Dazai pulled his clothes off until he was only in his briefs. He slowly peeled the bandages off of his skin. Scars. A ridiculous amount of scars covered his body. He was disgusted at the sight of himself. His mind was screaming at him to put the bandages back on and tell Blaise “nevermind, I can’t do this after all.” But, he knew it needed to be done. He couldn’t move forward until he did.
‘Rip the bandaid off.’ He thought as he took in a deep breath.
“Open your eyes now.” He quickly muttered before he changed his mind.
It was too late for him to back out now, Blaise’s eyes opened and landed on his body, exposed and disfigured.
Blaise wordlessly stood up and slowly approached Dazai, his eyes locked onto the other boy’s body.
“Dazai, your scars are-.“
Dazai braced himself for what he would hear next.
“Beautiful.” Blaise gasped.
Dazai blinked, dumbfounded.
“What?” Dazai was so shocked, he couldn’t hide the look on his face behind a mask anymore.
Blaise reached out a hand. “Can I touch?”
“I mean, I guess.” Dazai was still so shocked, he couldn’t compute what was happening.
Blaise gently traced his fingers on the scars on Dazai’s torso. A fond smile on his face, like he had seen the most beautiful thing in the world. Dazai felt butterflies at the physical touch he loved so much.
Blaise walked to Dazai’s back and continued to run his fingers along the scars he saw. As he circled back around to the front of Dazai, he took his arm and studied the scars on it. As he gently traced the lines with his fingers, Dazai watched his every movement silently. When Blaise was done, he picked up the boy’s other hand and started tracing the lines on that arm.
“Blaise?” Dazai asked.
“Yes?” Blaise could barely register that Dazai had spoken to him. He was so enamored at the sight of Dazai’s beautiful body.
“You called my scars beautiful. Why would you call it that when my body is clearly so ugly and repulsive?”
Blaise dropped Dazai’s arm and looked into his eyes. “Dazai, your body is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” He smiled.
This wasn’t what Dazai was expecting. He was expecting Blaise to scoff and gag and say something like “you’re disgusting. Why was I ever friends with you to begin with?” He was expecting Blaise to walk out that door and never speak to him again. He wasn’t expecting to be called beautiful for the first time in his life.
The tears welled up in his eyes. ‘Mori, you’re a damn liar.’ He thought as he brought his hands up to cover his face.
Blaise gently pulled dazai’s arms away from his face, wiped the tears from his eyes and caressed his cheek.
“I don’t know why you would believe those things about yourself, but you’re more beautiful than you give yourself credit for.” Blaise gently spoke. Dazai nodded with more tears as he set his head on Blaise’s chest. Blaise wrapped his arms around him and held him. He could feel Dazai’s skin beneath his hands, and he cherished every second of it.
-
Blaise and Dazai were back on the couch, Dazai still exposed, his head on Blaise’s shoulder as Blaise ran his fingers through his hair.
“You know, Dazai.” Blaise started. “I’ve been meaning to tell you something for a while now.”
Dazai sat up and looked Blaise in the eyes.
“I wanted to tell you that-.” He breathed in and breathed out. “That I like you.”
He looked at Dazai intently while waiting for an answer.
Dazai smiled. “I’ve liked you too, Blaise.”
The joy both of the boys experienced was incredible. A weight had been lifted off their shoulders.
“So, you're not mad at me, then?” Blaise asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve been avoiding me a little bit lately. I thought I did something to upset you.”
“To be honest, I have been avoiding you. But not because I’m mad at you… I’ve been wanting to tell you my feelings for you but my scars were holding me back.”
Blaise looked Dazai’s body up and down once more before smiling.
“I’m glad you were able to trust me.”
“Me too.”
They both beamed at each other. Once Blaise’s gaze softened, he gently held Dazai’s cheek. Dazai gave him a slight nod, and Blaise leaned in. Once their lips locked together, they felt nothing but their love for each other in that moment. It was a sweet, gentle kiss, one that they would cherish forever. Their very first kiss.
Dazai had put his clothes and bandages back on and the two of them snuggled on the couch. That was the first peaceful night's sleep Dazai had in a while.
-
Dazai woke up on Blaise’s chest. The sunlight piercing through his eyelid wasn’t exactly subtle through that stained glass window. He groaned as he sat up, waking Blaise up in the process.
“Good morning.” Blaise rubbed his eyes.
“Good morning, boyfriend.” Dazai smirked. Blaise smiled back and then stretched.
“Now that we are official…” Blaise started.
“Hmm?”
“How should we announce it to the others?”
“I know how we should announce it to Pansy.” Dazai giggled evilly.
“Do I even want to know?” Blaise sighed.
“You’ll have to wait and see. As far as the others go, let’s just tell them normally.”
“Alright.” Blaise nodded.
The boys got up and headed to breakfast, hand in hand.
When they arrived in the great hall, hell’s hounds were already in their seats. Dazai led Blaise over to their Gryffindor friends as he broke the good news.
“Blaise and I are officially dating!” Dazai squealed with excitement.
Fred smirked to George who rolled his eyes and handed him some money.
“Really? Oh I’m so happy for you two!” Hermione beamed.
“It’s about time.” Ron chuckled as he kept eating.
“You’re one to talk.” Dazai giggled. Ron stopped moving as pink worked it’s way onto his face.
“Whatever.” He stuffed another bite into his mouth to hide his bashfulness.
“We are happy for you Snakey.” Fred smiled.
“Yes! Congratulations.” George clapped his hands together.
“Thanks. Now if you can excuse us, we have somewhere to be.” Dazai dragged Blaise by the arm to the Slytherin table. Once seated, Dazai turned to Pansy.
“I never knew you were so perceptive.” He beamed.
“What are you talking about?” She looked disgusted at the mere sight of him.
“About me and Blaise! Turns out, we are in love after all and have decided to date.” He giggled.
She dropped the fork that was in her hand and stared surprised. After appearing frozen for a few moments, she made a face like she didn’t believe him.
“Is this another one of your schemes?” She scoffed. “I understand you want to annoy me, but can you not bring my friends into it? It’s gross!”
“But I’m not lying! Right, Blaise?” Dazai turned to Blaise who nodded at Pansy. “See?”
“Ok, if you both are dating like you said, prove it.” Pansy turned back to her plate and continued to eat without a care in the world.
“Like we’d ever have to prove our love to you.” Dazai stuck his tongue out.
“How do you want them to prove it to you?” Draco, who had been watching silently, had finally chimed in. He didn’t doubt for a second that Blaise and Dazai were dating, but Pansy seemed to be in denial.
“I don’t know? A kiss, maybe?” Pansy rolled her eyes.
“A kiss? No way, we can’t do that in front of other people! That’s private!” Dazai has been going to school there since he was 11, and he saw couples kissing all the time, but it still weirded him out.
“Ha! I thought so!” Pansy hummed in victory which only irritated Dazai.
He turned to Blaise. “Maybe we should just show Pansy that I’m not lying.”
“I’m fine with that.” Blaise said, bored.
The four of them left the great hall and headed back to the Slytherin common rooms.
Pansy watched them as Blaise caressed Dazai’s cheek. He could see Dazai hesitating.
“Don’t worry.” Blaise quietly reassured. “We’ve done this before, remember?”
“I know… but there are other people watching this time.” Dazai muttered, insecure.
“Just look at me.” Blaise tilted Dazai’s chin up towards him. “Pretend like it’s just you and me.” He brought his face closer to Dazai’s. Dazai could feel his breath on his lips.
“Ok.” Dazai closed his eyes and they kissed. Pansy gaped at the scene, completely shocked. Draco watched with an amused smile.
Once they broke apart, Dazai smirked to Pansy. “Was that enough proof for you?”
“Fine, whatever I guess.” She huffed and sat down.
Dazai and Blaise were now officially dating and they couldn’t be happier.
This love that bloomed in Dazai’s chest was a feeling that he had grown fond of, even though feelings are still gross sometimes.
He felt happy.
He felt… human.