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I just want to love like a normal person does...
He looks at me and despite how mean i am...he loves me...and knowing that i cannot reciprocate those emotions makes us all the more tragic. His love feels messy but it feels complete to me. I just want to be normal, normal people can love others...i wish that everytime he tries to kiss me i wouldn't get sick. I wouldn't feel disgusted...
My mind feels like its being driven to madness with these feelings. This longing for an emotion i cannot feel. An emotion i so desperately want to feel. I yearn to feel an emotion so strong it cause me to feel Like a human and not a self made artificial intelligence with skin and blood.
I admire the fact that imbecile aventurine loves so strongly. He loves like if he ever stops he will fall apart, like its the only thing keeping him going...I do love him, i really do but theres so much that i cant say to him. To express to him. And i can never love him like he loves me, i just dont experience it....and i just want to understand what it feels like.
I feel a tap on my shoulder "doctor, are you sure your not the one losing braincells here. I thought you were supposed to be tutoring me" His laugh rings out in my ear, i continue to let silence infect the space like a virus. A haunting silence that had been brought upon us from my despair of the Matter at hand "ratio....you good...?"
I turn to look at him, look at a man who has experienced so little love that he clings onto it so hard. The fact that he had experienced such things that I am aware of burns a hole into my heart....not that there was much of a heart there anyway but I digress.
"I'm fine." I try to break my thought process yet again and resume the math assignment I had been attempting to drill into him. Hoping for him to think about something useful for once. Well not that I am one to talk currently, love is not something that useful from a logical standpoint...from a human standpoint though...oh whatever. I need to focus on the task at hand
"Ratio your really distracted today whats up with you" he laughs softly chewing on the end of his pen. He looks at me with a degree of concern still although it's not as prominent that it gives the idea that this out of character like happening is bothering him that much...
"I'm fine. Now have you answered the questions I've given you. You said you never finished school, this is your opportunity to learn what you missed." I make sure my voice has no tone thar would hint that I am plagued with such a problem as I have been experiencing, experiencing everytime I look at him...
"Yeah yeah, I've finished them you know ratio I only use these little tutoring sessions to hang out with you" he smiles as he says those words. It's such a sweet smile he makes my teeth feel rotten. I dont mean that in a bad way though...its...there's just so much he gives me that I couldn't possibly return to him...as much as I want to do so...
I can feel myself getting distracted again, I shake my head in disapproval of his sickly sweet words that cause my mind to become so Foggy that I cannot think straight...