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Swiftwind was young to have her first litter, not that it was a problem, the clan was desperate for kits.
The events of three moons prior were not forgotten. Slashed throats and bleeding hearts. Each kit was considered a blessing, needed to regrow and rebuild.
That's why when two dead kits were laid out in front of too young parents who should have been celebrating the birth of their litter, no one spoke.
That's why Dashkit isn't named until days later, when Swiftwind found the will to speak again.
He's bold and rash, he knows that. His mom calls him thick-skinned. His father says he'll be a great warrior. The other kits call him a bully. A menace.
Bubblekit calls him brave and the word sticks with him all day.
He never gets on well with the other apprentices. Bubblepaw is his best and only friend and he's fine with that.
(Though, Bubblepaw is friends with everyone.)
Beestripe is too soft of a mentor. She's delicate and light on her paws. Her fur is glossy and there's a grace when she walks. Something Dashpaw knows he doesn't have. Something he craves in a way that makes his stomach twist and turn.
He tries to copy her movements when he does his hunting crouch. He loses his balance and falls, then loses his temper. A tree is later found covered in claw marks.
He is seven moons old when Bubblepaw sticks a flower behind his ear. The feeling makes Dashpaw blush and he suddenly can't find his words.
He's not sure what's wrong with him.
Then Bubblepaw calls him beautiful and everything buzzes around him, as if something has just slotted into place.
The clan talks about him and Bubblepaw and he growls at them. (Bubblepaw is obvious. Of course.)
When Stormfront starts going after cats, he cowers.
When he is exiled, Jaynight looks at him with fear in his eyes too. But it's a different kind of fear. It's sad and Dashpaw does not understand.
He admires Sweetpaw for her tortoiseshell fur and small frame.
He's never sure if he wants to be her or kiss her. But it doesn't matter, not when she looks at Brightpaw with stars in her eyes.
Except… when Dashpaw realizes she and Sweetpaw aren't so different after all.
Not when she finds herself staring at the newly named Bubblefur in the exact same way.
Swiftwind gets pregnant again. Dashhawk has her name and a couple new scars by the time the kit is born. (Ivyfrost didn't like being called a two-faced foxheart. Even if she is.)
Marshkit and Finchkit are oh so little and perfect. It's the first time Dashhawk finds herself considering being a mother.
"She's gorgeous."
Bubblefur is looking at her with bright eyes and his stupidly handsome face. It hurts to see him. She's just a friend.
He's padding after Slateflight. She's tough as a nettle and makes him swoon. Dashhawk feels slighted. (She's beaten Slateflight in a spar.) And it's obvious the she-cat only has eyes for Snowleap and his honeyed words.
(She's beautiful though. She could give Bubblefur a family.)
She thought maybe he might have loved her when they were apprentices. If she'd realized soon how she felt. If she'd understood his hesitation, the pause in his breath before he would sit close to her.
She swallows as that beautiful, dumb boy she gave her heart to unwittingly cleaves it in two.
She later realizes the look on Jaynight's face when Stormfront was revealed to have killed so many cats had been heartbreak. (She looked that way two moons ago.)
They lost their deputy, their medicine cat, and so many senior warriors. She'd lived in fear for moons, for who she was. For what she stood for.
(She had been caught with Tawnyfrost behind the warriors den a few times. She'd always had a thing for tortoiseshells.)
It's that brokenness that intrigues her. How can someone love a murderer? A monster?
It's through Jaynight she meets Burrowtail. She's big and serious and looks at Dashhawk with stars in her eyes.
It's perfect.
Until it isn't.
Burrowtail works hard and is loyal to a fault. He's steady and reliable. Everything Dashhawk should want in a mate. She's even considered kits.
(She would name one Oakkit, if they looked like Burrowtail. Hoped that they would inherit his sturdiness.)
But she is a fire and she will burn Burrowtail and their little sapling to the ground.
Breaking his heart now is easier than when there are little ones involved.
Sometimes the world seems to move on a crooked axis. Disjointed and rough. Dashhawk finds herself with few friends and few comforts.
She's a solitary predator, hunting alone.
Tawnyfrost presses her nose into her scruff. "You've been stiff."
"It's nothing," Dashhawk murmurs. It's everything. As the she-cat grooms her back, she lets out an unsteady purr.
It's surprisingly easy to lower her gaurd around the smaller she-cat. To forget.
She doesn't think it's love. She knows what love feels like. It's bright green eyes and dopey smile. It's the feel that no matter what, she'll have a shoulder to come back to.
It's hurting someone, because she knows not doing it then will hurt her worse in the long run.
Dashhawk doesn't know what she has with Tawnyfrost. But it's not love.
Stagkit is born.
Bubblefur doesn't leave the medicine den. He doesn't smile. Dashhawk places her tail on his shoulder.
He doesn't seem to understand what she wants. What she really wants.
But when he leans against her, it's enough.
"Thanks, for always being there," he whispers into her scruff.
She's always there. Right there.
She knows how to nurse an aching heart. Tawnyfrost is her comfort at this point. She's downy and soft, familiar as Dashhawk's own nest.
She'd told the Forestnose she loved him, and he responded that he would never love her back.
Dashhawk lets her cry until she's fallen asleep in their makeshift sleeping spot. The river gurgles beside them. In-between the babbling stream and the snores of her companion, she considers a future where she always has nights like this.
The bubbling water lulls her to sleep and she knows where her heart belongs.
She doesn't like to let Morningkit play with Stagkit. It's petty, but no sister of hers will associate with the son of someone who broke her best friend's heart.
She sees Silveroak flirting with Burrowtail and wonders if she should be upset. He's handsome and smooth. She can see why her ex would fall for the pale-furred warrior.
She watches them and her heart speeds up ever so slightly.
Then she sees Bubblefur curl up next to Burrowtail, place a flower behind her ear and call her beautiful.
She doesn't talk to them for a long time.
Tawnyfrost is pregnant. She never claims anyone as the other parent.
Dashhawk never says anything. She has her guesses.
When Tawnyfrost goes to Risingclan, the kits goes with her and that is that.
Dashhawk still finds herself on the Risingclan border, by the river, wondering…
"I'm sorry," Bubblefur presses his nose into her scruff. He licks her cheek and she freezes. Her thoughts are consumed by green eyes and gray fur and she's wondering what this is.
He places her paw on hers. The clan feels like it's been falling apart lately, but with him everything is suddenly clearer.
"I'm so scared of losing you to them," he whispers, "That nasty Savior cat, I-" Dashhawk opens her mouth.
Bubblefur shuts her up by kissing her.
"I should have realized it sooner."
The Claws almost tear this clan apart. Watching Silverstar do nothing, Dashhawk is furious. To see a cat she'd once respected and looked up to turn into a pathetic shell makes her blood boil.
She calls for war.
When she dies it's a relief. But Snowstar is unsteady on his paws. He doesn't know what he's doing. Dashhawk can see him faltering. See another Silverstar.
Blazestar's decision is the last straw. Because they need someone strong who can make decisions. Not a cat who a few seasons ago had kitten fluff behind his ears and liked to think he was Starclan'd gift to the living.
So she left. There wasn't much for her in Fallenclan. She hadn't left with Turtlestar, but she could go now.
Dashhawk was never one to be idle.
Bubblefur follows her. He always did, even when he didn't realize it.
The tunnels are dark and filthy. She doesn't like them. But slowly, she adapts to the change that sets in.
Bubblefur starts talking to Dapplemask. Through Dapplemask he meets Silveroak.
(Dashhawk could never forget Silveroak's handsome face.)
They're his friends. His friends. Dashhawk knows her mate better than that. So when he invites Dapplemask out on a hunting trip with them…
Well, she's always had a thing for tortoiseshells.