Work Text:
Anybody who had spent more than a second with Dazai knew he was prone to making suicidal jokes,
they just never listened.
"Hey, Atsushi!" Dazai called his subordinates name with the pure intention of distracting him from his workload, thus annoying his wonderfully strict partner, Kunikida.
Of course it was never as fun or satisfying as messing with Chuuya,
they simply didn't have the same chemistry as Soukoku.
But it was entertaining nonetheless.
"Yes, Dazai?" Atsushi had long since stopped meeting Dazai's calls with real enthusiasm or worry, and Dazai was starting to feel that perhaps pairing him with Akutagawa had been a terrible flaw on his part.
"I've found a wonderful new way to commit suicide, wouldn't you like to hear?"
Atsushi sighed in a way that reminded him of Chuuya, causing his heart to ache with pure longing.
He would do anything, even walk into enemy territory, to melt into his spouse's arms and whine about what a horrible day he was having...
"Dazai, will you stop torturing the poor kid? Stop messing around and do your work."
"But Kunikidaaaa~" Dazai wrung his name out the same way he had done Chuuya's so many times. "It truly is life-changing! You should write it down in that notebook of yours, perhaps it could save you one of these days! It's simple, you see, if I were to down a bottle of cologne, I would get cologne poisoning. As long as I drink enough I should go into a coma where all my organs would shut down, a truly painless way to go out!" Dazai sounded wistful as he droned out about the new method he had discovered,
and yet one phrase rang like a bell in his mind:
stop messing around.
If only they knew he truly wasn't messing around,
if only they could understand how much he simply longed to die.
"Well, I've done all the work I can handle for today, and I have such a loving wife just waiting for me at home, I mus'nt keep her waiting!" He was, of course, talking about Chuuya. But they didn't need to know that, he was fine with it being his secret even if it was just for a little while longer.
He ignored the loud complaints of his detective partner and walked out of the building,
only he wasn't going to seek out Chuuya,
that required far too much energy
energy Dazai just didn't have in his possession these days.
Instead he walked aimlessly for a while and jumped into the river,
he was far too eager to let the water fill his lungs;
to feel pure for once.
He couldn't stand to be alive anymore, he had burdened far too many people, had killed too many innocents.
If you weren't alive Odasaku would never have gotten caught up in that mess.
If you weren't alive Chuuya would be so much happier.
If you weren't alive people wouldn't worry so much,
you wouldn't have to suffer,
it's better if you just die already.
Odasaku had once asked him what was so enticing about death,
what about it was so much more appealing than life...
Dazai could never answer that question,
even now,
four years later,
he had no answer to Odasaku's question.
Back then, in that dingy bar, he had simply said that he already felt dead, so there was no point in dragging his feet and carrying such a heavy burden when he was already so lifeless.
Odasaku was one of the only people who ever took Dazai seriously,
he was gone now.
He was carried out of his thoughts by a pair of familiar arms dragging him out of the canal.
"Osamu."
Dazai didn't respond. He just stared at Chuuya with blank, lifeless eyes.
"Osamu. You couldn't have bothered to fucking call me?"
He said the name like Dazai would cease to exist, he repeated it like a mantra.
"I wanted to die, silly slug. Why would I call you to save me if I didn't want saving?"
"I knew I was going to have to pull you out of a damned river the moment I got your ass out of bed. Osamu, I don't give a flying fuck if you want saving or not. I went four years without my husband and I'm not doing that again, ya hear me?"
Osamu. How could a few syllables sound so pretty?
"Chuuya should mind his own business. I have such a nosy pup."
Chuuya scoffs and pulls Dazai off the ground by the collar, man-handling him with much less care than he should've shown.
"Any sane person would worry if their partner was floating in the damn river, shitty Osamu."
Chuuya dried Dazai's hair with great care, moving with a purpose but still making the action so effortlessly perfect,
completing it with adoration that Dazai just didn't deserve.
Chuuya tugs on Dazai's hair. "Oi, I can tell when you're thinking shitty things, so stop!" He was using one of the soft, luxurious towels that Dazai loved oh-so much.
Dazai hummed and wrapped his arms around Chuuya, burying his face against his collarbone.
"Gross, you're getting me all wet, shitty Osamu."
"I thought you liked when I made you wet? Besides, aren't you used to being slimy?"
Chuuya blushed at the first comment and kicked at Dazai's shins for the second quip.
He wordlessly grabbed Dazai's hand and led him to his--- no, to their room and undressed Dazai, pausing when he got down to the bandages. "Do you want to take these off yourself, Osamu?"
Dazai shook his head and took the towel he was handed soon after. "Finish drying yourself off, I'll... be back in a second, okay?" Chuuya clearly didn't like the idea of leaving Dazai alone for more than two seconds, and it made Dazai feel slightly miffed, but he obeyed nonetheless.
Chuuya gave back with a fresh roll of bandages and a change of clothes, fresh out of the dryer.
He unwrapped Dazai's wet bandages with precision and care, kissing each scar that came to light, even though the skin was wet below the bandages.
He repeated this action for each part of Dazai's body, until all the bandages hit the floor with a wet plop.
"...Do you want new bandages?" Chuuya had pressed himself against Dazai for the time being, nipping lightly at his neck whilst his hands lightly caressed his lover's chest.
"Just around the neck 's fine."
Chuuya sighed contently for a moment and pressed himself further against Dazai before he remembered he needed to get this over with, and he pulled away begrudgingly.
He made quick work of rewrapping the bandages around Dazai's neck, and he tugged a black hoodie onto to Dazai.
The hoodie ran a little small, but it was familiar.
Familiar because it used to be Dazai's.
The weight of that was something Dazai didn't dare to toy with at the moment, and he complained as Chuuya slipped a pair of pajama pants onto him with crabs printed on them.
Dazai hated how familiar it all felt,
he hated how comfortable Chuuya was with the situation at hand.
"Are you mad?" Dazai asked hesitantly, laying down in their bed.
He wasn't at all surprised when Chuuya climbed on top of him and buried his face into Dazai's neck. "I wish you'd call me when you felt like this. But I'm not mad, per-say, dumbass Osamu."
Not mad,
just shaken up. That much was clear from the way he couldn't seem to keep Dazai's name out of his mouth.
Osamu. Like it was a mantra,
like the world would shatter beneath him if he didn't repeat it,
Osamu.
Fin.