Work Text:
Cadet Hoover’s greatest weakness was his lack of initiative. That was what Shadis had told him, at least.
It wasn’t the first time he had been subjected to that description. It was a personality trait that seemed to follow him throughout all periods of his life. During both warrior training and conversations with his sick father. The frail man would tell him, “I can’t do the stuff I used to do anymore, I need you to stand up for yourself once in a while,” Which was really just his father’s way of telling him to snap out of the nerves he had before taking a trip to the grocery stalls. His old man pleaded that he’d crawl out of the protective shell he built for himself and make some friends.
Bertholdt couldn’t help the obnoxious feeling of butterflies that infiltrated his stomach at the mere thought of conversing with another person. The nervous wrecks of sweat that poured out of his body the minute he was placed in charge of squad during drills. The constant stammering on his worlds and the heightened breathing when he was the center of attention, all qualities he couldn’t seem to control. Consequently, he was often alone as a child, lost in his own quiet solitude, until he met Reiner.
Reiner was one of the few people Bertholdt willingly opened himself up to. Meeting Reiner under harsh conditions they connected through, his teary eyed blonde companion reflected his own personality the moment he laid eyes on him in training. Of course, Reiner grew up become a strong leader, a steady and self-assured support system, a true warrior who’s charisma people naturally gravitated towards, leaving a timid Bertholdt to wallow in why that hasn’t happened to him.
Being as tall as him throughout his life had its fair share of irony. Some people were intimidated and refused to approach him, while most came up to him and bombarded with comments regarding his tall stature. His blatant talent and strength that would guarantee him a high ranking during training was a firm warning to anyone that wanted to underestimate him. His raw skill left people amazed. The ever so quiet and reserved Bertholdt looked like a completely different person when he was in his element. If he was a model cadet in every other segment of training, why was Shadis so focused on his nervous nature?
As a result, Reiner often told him to stand tall and proud, to flaunt his height and obvious prowess. But he couldn’t do it. He much preferred to blend into the background, to have all attention off him. He’d sink away from crowds of praise, hoping the ground would swallow him whole when people got too touchy with him.
Why he reacted this way to seemingly normal human interactions? He didn’t know, but it worsened as he got older. Was it a side effect of his titan? The mental stress? Everyday he felt less human, perhaps this was his body’s way of exaggerating that.
Much to Bertholdt’s dismay, Shadis’ way of forcibly encouraging him to tackle this issue was assigning him as a squad leader for the next woodland expedition drill.
The teams were instructed to navigate the large forest between Wall Sina on opposing ends, setting up camp and staying the night until finding their way back as dawn hit. The point of the expedition was mainly to test their map reading skills, but wilderness survival and teamwork was an immense part of it. The team leaders were expected to take on the responsibility of ensuring their team succeeded to high standards.
Reiner was put with Connie’s squad, a statement that got many cadets laughing considering how irresponsible Connie could be. Connie’s team members groaned at the high possibility of getting lost and roaming the dark forest all night. He shared a sympathetic glance at Reiner in that moment.
Bertholdt wouldn’t say he got much luckier with his team choices. Consisting of himself, Hannah, Jean, Ymir, Franz, and Eren.
Bertholdt assumed putting Jean and Eren on his team was something Shadis did on purpose. Everyone knew of how much those boys seemed to test each other’s tempers. Hannah and Franz would be too lost in each other to listen to Bertholdt, and Ymir is never one to take training exercises that seriously. This had to be a setup. Not even the gentle hand Reiner placed on his shoulder after the announcement that he’d be team captain was enough to calm his nerves.
Being friends with the favored Reiner Braun often challenged his tendency to isolate himself. Reiner was always so involved with the others, maybe a little too much. His friend had gained the self-proclaimed title of everybody’s ‘older brother’ soon after joining the Training Corps, and the pair had people surrounding them far too often. Bertholdt knew better than to get attached to these people. Reiner obviously preferred to live by the term ‘keep your enemies close,’ and found it beneficial to bond with them to further fit in. Both Bertholdt and Annie disagreed with this sentiment, of course. It almost seemed like Reiner was a little too close for comfort, but whatever makes him happy.
Despite this, Reiner knew better than to subject Bertholdt to anything he was uncomfortable with. His body let out anxious trembles that the other boys in the barracks would tease him for, but were always apprehended by Reiner. Eventually, they learnt to keep their mouths shut in fear of provoking Reiner.
Bertholdt was far from meek, he was anything but weak or vulnerable. A God of destruction is what his Marleyan instructors called him, but he knew all too well it was the Colossal Titan they were praising and respecting. When it came to Bertholdt and his individual prowess, he was just like everyone else. Some days he felt less like Bertholdt and more like his titan, less human.
Reiner is always so understanding of Bertholdt’s lack of self-confidence. So much so that he takes it upon himself to get Bertholdt to branch out more. Reiner often reminded him to ‘stand tall and proud’ as he nudges Bertholdt into ongoing conversations, much to his dismay. But with Reiner by his side, after a while talking suddenly became much easier. He had developed decent relationships with these cadets as a result, but the thought scared him and he’d instantly go back to distancing himself.
Alas, he just needed to get through one night.
“Yo, Bertl, it’s gonna be interesting seeing you boss us around without Reiner by your side.” Ymir teased. The comment made Bertholdt’s face heat up. It was no secret how attached by the hip he was to Reiner, but hearing it from someone else sent sparks flying. Was he too dependent on Reiner?
Reiner took it upon himself to speak up for Bertholdt quite often, but he didn’t seem to mind too much. When Bertholdt was too shy to read his essay on titan anatomy out to the entire class Reiner had offered to do it for him. When Bertholdt was left speechless after being scolded by Shadis, Reiner stepped in to apologize on his behalf. Similar instances occurred with Magath back in Marley. For that, he loved him.
From beside him, Reiner’s eyebrows raised in interest as he took in Ymir’s words. “Hey now, don’t think about giving Bertholdt a hard time out there.” He warned.
At that, Ymir let out a snarky laugh and leaned up to throw a sudden arm around Bertholdt’s shoulder, pulling him down to her height. “Don’t you worry, I won’t bully your boyfriend too much.” She teased. The comment made Bertholdt blush and tense instantly as he pulled away from her grasp to look at her wide-eyed.
From the other side of him, he heard Reiner clear his throat, parting his lips to say something until Ymir cut him off. “Only under the condition you keep your hands away from Krista.” She warned coldly, her expression falling somber.
That’s right, Krista was in Reiner’s team. The thought gave Bertholdt a new feeling in his stomach that he often experienced when the two would converse. He hasn’t quite figured out what it was, but it was different to the ones he felt when he was anxious.
“You don’t have to worry about that, Ymir. Connie’s our leader so we’ll be dead before you can even think about it.” Reiner joked making his voice louder so Connie would overhear, an obvious attempt to lighten the mood after he felt Bertholdt’s form tense up. Reiner was always so perceptive, he knew that Bertholdt hated being in the middle of conflict.
Reiner’s efforts weren’t in vain as Connie’s head immediately titled to the side from his conversation with Sasha. “Hey! I’m not that bad at reading maps, man!” He yelled to Reiner. It was the fourth time Bertholdt had heard that exact line come from Connie’s mouth today.
Reiner’s gruff laugh boomed in response before Shadis’ blaring voice caused all cadets to snap their attention towards him, arms naturally falling into a stiff salute.
“Cadets! You’ll now begin your expedition with your respective teams! Team Springer, make your sorry asses over to the stables and rally up your horses to set out first.” The man with sunken eyes ordered. “Team Hoover and Team Wagner, you’ll head out shortly after.”
The sound of cadets moving to urgently listen to the strict man’s orders filled Bertholdt’s ears. Reiner suddenly bent down to grab the bag of supplies beside him and slung it over his shoulder. “‘Suppose I'm off. See you later, Bertl, you’ll do great.” He reassured, flashing Bertholdt his signature smile as he wrapped a swift hand around his waist in a comforting squeeze. “Just one night,” he whispered to him before turning to follow his team.
The sentiment made Bertholdt’s cheeks heat up. Reiner always believed in him, which comforted him somewhat. But deep down Bertholdt knew he was in for a wild ride.
Just one night.
Based on the distant orange hue of the setting sun, Bertholdt could conclude they’d been out here walking for approximately 4 hours now.
The extended hours of pure walking and navigating a rough terrain with multiple tripping hazards and heavy supplies on their backs had taken a toll on them all. The merciless sun robbing their bodies of sweat and stickiness, some cadets growing temperamental and irritable as they longed to reach their destination.
Unfortunately, Hannah had tripped over a loose log and injured her ankle 2 hours into the expedition, so Franz took it upon himself to carry her on his back, making the group need to take more frequent breaks.
Similarly, Eren hadn’t been monitoring his water canister properly and prematurely drank it all, making them all make a beeline towards a water source for a refill, which only pissed Jean off more, thus being the start of their frequent bickering.
Ymir was surprisingly quiet, obviously keeping her promise to Reiner to make this easy for Bertholdt. She’d never offer to help, but she did limit the teasing and complaining. Secretly, Bertholdt assumed she was too lost thinking about Krista. Her and Reiner’s group would be ahead on the path left of them currently, so they weren’t necessarily too far away.
Bertholdt had to will himself to walk confidently and lead the group, despite the growing ache in his legs and dryness of his throat. After so many unpredictable issues occurring, he had to intervene and organize solutions more times than he’d like to count. Despite it all, the squad continued to listen and follow him, which is all that mattered.
“Are you sure we’re going the right way, Bertholdt? I feel like we’ve passed this shitty bush before.” Jean groaned from behind him. The man with the undercut had already questioned Bertholdt’s map reading several times. He knew he meant no harm, Jean has always been impatient and short-tempered. In the years of knowing him, he's gotten used to it.
“You’ve seen that bush before because this forest is covered in them, dumbass. It’s native here.” Eren snickered from his position behind Ymir.
“Yes, Jean.” Bertholdt huffed in attempt to interrupt the approaching argument. “We’re almost there, I promise.”
Jean let out an aggravated noise before switching to dragging his feet along the dirt path in an obvious attempt to display his annoyance. The universe was either on Bertholdt’s side or Jean was just too exhausted to argue back, whichever it was, Bertholdt was thankful the silence persisted.
After half an hour, the squad finally found themselves at their destination. Just as Shadis had described, it was a clear opening bordered by large trees, perfect for installing a humble camp site.
Or— It would be perfect if not for current additional disputes amongst campers.
When cadets would cause trouble in front of Bertholdt they’d always ignore his attempts at breaking it up. That is until Reiner would eventually step in and they’d cease instantly, a blatant display of their difference in assured presence. It always amazed Bertholdt how easy it all was for his friend, Reiner would laugh seeing his perplexed expression and proceed to give him tips on how to be more assertive.
So why…. Why was he now frozen in place as Jean and Eren partook in a seemingly unending quarrel?
The back and forth bickering and snarky comments had been going on for a while, but had worsened now that it was time to work together to pitch tents and set up camp for the night. Bertholdt internally cursed himself for letting Jean and Eren do it together. He would’ve given the job to Hannah, but she was injured and had to rest.
“Hey, horse face, maybe if your head wasn’t tied so far up your ass you’d be able to understand how to pitch a tent!”
The noise that came out of Jean’s throat was no short of a scowl as he absent-mindedly threw his tent railing onto the ground and marched closer to Eren. The noise rattled the ground.
“I don’t give a flying fuck what you think, Jaeger. Pitching a tent is hardly a noteworthy skill.”
Eren eyed him, unfazed by the closeness, “What, did your mommy always do it for you, Jeanboy ?”
It was the use of that nickname that sent Jean off as he grabbed a handful of Eren’s shirt in an intimidation tactic, as if to warn him not to provoke him further.
“I’ve told you to stop calling me that. Remember this as your last warning, Jaeger.” Jean spat, eyebrows screwed and tent left abandoned.
“Hey..” Bertholdt stepped closer to the pair and tried to intervene after the sight had worsened, but his voice failed him, and his presence was left unnoticed. As always.
Behind him, he heard Ymir scoff from her place near the campfire she had just lit. Part of him wished she’d take note and help calm this quarrel, but he’d known her long enough to know she never inserts herself into situations that don’t interest her. If anything, this argument was probably entertaining her and the others, which was needed considering how lengthy and uneventful this day has been.
The sight of Eren’s fists balling up and getting ready to punch off Jean had caused Bertholdt to gain the courage to step forward. The last thing he needed was this getting physical. Explaining to Shadis why his squad member’s had bruises all over their bodies would be a nightmare.
“Please, guys…!” He tried again, his voice much louder and more coherent this time. Surprisingly, both boys had snapped their heads towards the taller boy upon noticing his immediacy.
Both faces tensed at the interruption.
“Would you lay off, Bertholdt? I’m trying to teach Eren a lesson since everyone else is clearly too complacent to do it.” Jean grumbled, glaring up at the taller boy with obvious annoyance.
The expression made Bertholdt falter as he quietly recalled his conversation with Reiner, desperate for some support. “Conflict is just hard for me.. It’s like I lose the ability to speak so I back down.”
Reiner gave him that gentle look. “There’s nothing wrong with that. These are normal and valid emotions, Bertl. If you feel too emotional, take a breather, keep your voice even and firm, like this.” Reiner then proceeded to let out the most botched impression of a gruff and manly voice that mirrored Shadis’ vileness, making Bertholdt laugh.
He repeated Reiner’s words in his head, desperately trying to take even breaths but all that came out was incoherent mumbles.
Why, Reiner? Why can’t I do it? I always let you down.
Jean must’ve noticed his sudden increase in nervousness and broke the silence as he released Eren’s shirt from his grasp. “No offence, man, but this training sequence sucks ass. It’s all pointless and everyone’s moody. Surely you don’t agree with Eren and think pitching a tent is actually an important MP life skill.” Jean snickered. “Once I'm all cozy in the interior, I won’t need to worry about sleeping under the stars.”
That’s just how Jean was, his stubbornness preferring to only concern himself with responsibilities that would guarantee success in the Military Police. Tasks were less overbearing that way, nobody could blame him—except his teammates. And Eren.
Jean turned his attention back to Eren. “I don’t know why you think you have to know this either.” He laughed, “the titans aren’t going to wait for you to pitch a tent and set up camp, they’ll be busy eating your suicidal ass.”
From behind him, he heard Ymir stifle an obvious snicker at the remark, confirming his suspicion that she found this entertaining.
“Why would I be pitching a tent in the daylight? Do you not listen in class, Jeanboy? The titans aren’t active at night.” Eren fought back.
Neutral terms. That’s right— Reiner told him to use neutral terms when solving an argument, it made it look like no blame was made and a peaceful agreement could take place. With a newfound goal in mind, Bertholdt spoke up.
“….Not picking sides, but I just think you-“
You’ll still need a tent to sleep in tonight— is what he wanted to say, but of course, the words died in the back of his throat at the sight of Jean’s irritated face abruptly snapping to face him.
Jean’s eye twitched as he took a harsh breath, his patience running thin. “Me? So you do think I started all this. Just spit it out, it’s about time you start voicing your opinions instead of staying silent. I’ve always wondered if you buy into this crap, maybe you’re just a suicidal maniac like Eren.”
The taller boy gulped. It hadn’t worked. What did he do wrong? All too suddenly, his legs began to shake and palms grew impossibly sweaty.
The yelling . God, how he hated it. When yelling was directed at him, he suddenly found himself back in the body of his 8 year old self, looking up at angry Marleyan soldiers that relentlessly scolded him for daring to talk back to them. All he wanted was to buy his sick father’s favorite grape juice, he told them, in a desperate attempt to explain why he had accidentally spilt it all over this Marleyan soldier’s boots.
That was the first time he ever felt truly incapable and weak. Cursing the way his hands got uncontrollably sweaty at the presence of Marleyan soldiers watching his every move, making him nervous, and of course, the juice just had to slip out of his palm.
Jean’s revelation made Eren laugh from beside him. “Oh yeah, tough guy? Well let’s see how long you live in comfort once the Colossal Titan appears to breach the wall you MP’s cowardly hide yourself behind.” The smaller boy smirked. “Maybe Bertholdt and I will delay slicing the nape of that monster in time for it to eat you.”
Swallowing down unease that came with conversations regarding the Colossal titan had become second nature for Bertholdt. “Stop, p-please, you both need to rela— cool off.” There was no point in backing out now. His urgent efforts causing words to die on his tongue.
Bad idea on his part, it seemed as though Jean whole-heartedly believed that resolution was a display of injustice. The boy with the faded hair stepped closer to Bertholdt’s trembling form.
“This entire expedition I've kept my mouth shut every time he’s tried to bad mouth me, you heard it right?!” Jean says, “Yet you’re here telling me that I need to cool off as well? God, man, you’re such a nag.”
At this point, everything felt like distant background noise amongst his loud thoughts. Bertholdt found himself frozen, incapable of speaking or moving. The evident indignation in the eyes of the boy staring at him screamed to him that he had failed.
“Oi, horse face! You don’t get to just insult our team leader like that. Not everyone is going to blindly submit to you!”
“Ha, I've seen the way Mikasa has to drag your sorry ass away from brawls. Unlike you, I don’t need people to tell me what’s best since I know I'm right.” Jean glanced back at Eren and smirked, “And she must know it too.”
“That’s it, now you’re asking for it.”
Failure.
Reiner’s ears perked up at the distant sound of yelling. Other cadets so close by? Damn, his team must be more off course than he initially thought.
The fact that he could even hear other teams just added more confirmation to certainty that Connie had led them down the incorrect path. Connie’s antics were the reason Reiner was wandering the forest’s dark biome in search for firewood and a possible lake. Since they weren’t where they were supposed to be camping, the promised essentials weren’t close by and each member had to search for alternatives.
This outcome was to be expected, so Reiner concluded that it wouldn’t hurt to approach the other team to slack off and ask for some extra supplies.
Leaves and sticks snap beneath him as he strolls closer to the noise, holding up his lantern to illuminate his path. As he got nearer to the source of the noise, he could loosely identify the voices as Jean and Eren’s. Rowdy voices that were hard to miss.
Jean and Eren. That must mean this is Bertholdt’s team up ahead. With a newfound incentive, the blonde traversed faster.
Reiner approached the campsite just in time to see Jean’s rough hand shoving Bertholdt backwards, shouting at him to keep being silent, before turning back to wrestle Eren off his back.
The unexpected sight made him see red, the smile that decorated his face at the thought of seeing his friend had been immediately wiped off and replaced with a scowl.
Those two fight all the time, and sometimes it becomes physical, but to use force against an outside party? That was unacceptable.
“What the fuck is going on?” Reiner was yelling before he could even finish closing the distance between himself and the campsite. Both boys that had been tussling snapped their heads up at the sudden gruff voice from their spot on the ground.
Before they could think, they were both being pulled up by the collars of their jackets after letting out a series of protests. “Hey!— Reiner?” Eren questioned as the pair came face to face with the blonde’s furious expression.
It was Reiner’s voice and the mention of his name that had Bertholdt snapping out of his haze, going wide eyed at the unexpected sight of his friend standing between him and the other two boys. Once again, Reiner had to swoop in to save the day because he was incapable of doing it himself.
His heart shattered. Suddenly, it was all too much and Bertholdt hastily turned away from the scene, walking towards the trees.
Reiner continued lecturing the boys. “You two really can’t go one day without throwing a fit, can you? Grow the fuck up.” He exclaimed, “You’re both too childish for your own good.”
Reiner let go of the boy’s collars as they stumbled backwards. He turned his head to find Bertholdt walking away and decided he needed to follow him.
“Get these tents pitched, you have other teammates waiting to rest.”
Before walking away, Reiner turned his head to glance over his shoulder, his cold stare sending shivers down Jean’s spine. “And cut the shit, Kirchstein. Toying with Bertholdt just so you can get your own way in an argument is beyond low, even for you.”
With that, Reiner was turning back forward, leaving a silent and stunned campsite of cadets behind him. His eyebrows furrowed as Bertholdt’s lean figure was no longer in sight. Confused, he continued traversing deeper into the forest, using his lantern that he picked up again to highlight his path. Bertholdt didn’t have a light source with him, did he really walk this far?
Reiner knew it wouldn’t be out of character for him. Ever since he was young, Bertholdt tended to isolate himself after stressful situations. He briefly recalled the night before they had to inherit their titans. How afraid Bertholdt was as he hid in an abandoned shack. His father was worried sick, until Reiner reassured him he’d find Bertholdt, and he did. He always did.
A muffled sob and rapid panting caught his attention after several steps. Jerking his body to the right, he followed the sound, “Bertl?” He got closer. “Where are you?” Voice laced with worry.
“Rei-,” Bertholdt gasps. “I— can’t breathe.”
He feels so embarrassed, so weak.
The sound of the taller boy’s voice confirmed his location under a large tree, trembling body sitting with his knees to his chest, head dipped, and long fingers tugging his raven hair.
“Bertholdt,” Reiner rushed to kneel beside him, grabbing the boy’s shoulders and rubbing his calloused hands up and down the fabric of his uniform.
“You’re okay,” he reassured, words small. “Shit, you’re okay. You’re okay, Bertl, you’re okay.”
Reiner was no stranger to Bertholdt’s meltdowns, the boy’s dams would break the moment his pent up stress would overflow. Bertholdt bottled up his emotions in attempt to stay strong for Reiner until it inevitably came pouring out in the form of nervous breakdowns.
Reiner grew accustomed on what to do in order to help Bertholdt through them, he just wished he could do more. To take away his stress, to reassure him that everything will be okay and they’ll be home soon.
But he couldn’t.
Reiner wrapped his fingers around Bertholdt’s wrists that were still trapped in his hair. “Hey, hey, stop that, you’re gonna hurt yourself.” He whispered as he pries his fingers away and massages into his pressure points.
Bertholdt began shaking his head frantically, panic not subsiding. Reiner frowns. “Bertholdt,” he says more firmly, “Breathe. Tell me what’s happening—“
“No.”
He sounds choked as he refuses to stop shaking his head in Reiner’s hold. “No, no, no, no” he chants, “no, please— you weren’t supposed to— you can’t. Reiner, I.. you— you should go.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Reiner says, unyielding. “Breathe, Bertl, deep breaths.”
Bertholdt sobs wetly. “Please.”
Reiner frowns, newfound conviction as he begins to understand. “I’m not leaving you like this. You can’t give me a good enough reason to change my mind.” The blonde gently takes ahold of his fingers, giving him something to hold onto that doesn’t involve his scalp.
Despite his efforts, Bertholdt continues to twist in his grasp but Reiner responds by holding him impossibly tighter, trying to meet his olive eyes.
“Pl— I don’t want to disappoint you,” Bertholdt explains, as if he’s shattered an unspoken oath. “I want you to be able to rely on me.”
“I do.” Reiner states, bringing his hands up to stroke Bertholdt’s hair, taming it from the messiness the boy caused when he was pulling on it. “You’re my partner.”
“Where’s this shame coming from? Is this about the argument?” Reiner swears he feels his heart shatter. “You think I'd think any less of you because of other people fighting?” His disposition grew tighter at his next thought, “did those two morons say something?”
“N-No! I just—“ Bertholdt gasps for air, dizzy as the adrenaline and panic catches up to him. Reiner’s hands travel from his hair to wrap around his shaking shoulders, drawing him against his broad chest. Bertholdt tenses, but closes his eyes, listening to the blonde’s heart beat and the lump in his throat when he swallows.
He hears the quiet hushes coming from Reiner as the boy leans down to place a gentle kiss on his raven head, massaging his shoulders in a soothing motion, one that grounds him, keeps him levelled, a sentiment Reiner knows has always calmed him.
Bertholdt feels his body being gently maneuvered as Reiner pulls him from his position half-on his lap back to the forest’s ground. He only barely stifles the panic that rises when Reiner pulls away. Reiner notices, and takes his hand and shushes him.
“You’re alright, beautiful,” Reiner comforts, “Your body’s just releasing all the tension you were holding in. Keep breathing. You’re doing perfect.”
Reiner runs a large steady hand up and down his back as he coaches him through breathing, taking deep breaths and instructing Bertholdt to follow until the taller boy’s heart was no longer racing and night air reached his lungs.
Bertholdt’s hands are still trembling, but he doesn’t seem to have noticed yet.
“What is— wrong with me, Reiner? No matter what I do— when I say- I.. I…I….“ Bertholdt stops, breaths short and quick. The water in his eyes doesn’t spread, but the constant tremble lingers, spreading to his shoulders.
Reiner’s eyes soften. He brings his hands around Bertholdt’s figure to loosen any clothing that was awkwardly taut around his body as a result of the thrashing. Reiner trusts the boy would be honest if he didn’t want to be touched, and that he’d know he would never hold it against him.
Proving his judgement correct, Bertholdt’s breath hitches as he leans in, tense form slowly melting into Reiner’s steady figure as the blonde wraps his arms around him. Bertholdt’s fingernails dig into his back.
“Slowly, love.” Reiner says into his hair. “I’m not going anywhere.” He feels Bertholdt’s hands twist into his shirt.
Bertholdt tries again after breathing. “I still can’t make myself seen.” His voice was throaty and broken. “W-why.. Why am I so weak-willed?”
Reiner’s heart clenches. He knows how aware Bertholdt has become of his initiative ever since their instructors started pointing it out. The raven haired boy often came to him for advice, it stung to know this has been plaguing him.
“That had nothing to do with your assertiveness, Bertl. He used force and insulted you. That wasn’t okay.”
Reiner rested his chin on his hair. “The moment he saw you begin to stagger he used it as a weapon to overwhelm and target your fear. That fool does it to people during hand-to-hand combat training too.”
“Rei— You don’t understand… if this is how I act in normal social situations how am I going to be when the time comes t...” He cut himself off, slapping a hand over his mouth and barely muffling a sob that dared to escape.
Reiner wraps his hands back around the boy’s shoulders and squeezes, making his presence known. “That’s what I'm here for, Bertl. We’re partners.” He smiles, “We work together so we don’t have to do it alone. I’ll always be here to help you out, Annie too.”
Bertholdt releases his mouth and places his hand over Reiner’s chest. “I just wish I could do it myself.”
“Shit, Bertl. You know Jean and Eren, once they start you can’t get them to stop, without violence at least. Not even Marco can put an end to it.” Reiner snorts, recalling all the times Captain Levi or Mikasa had to physically intervene to make them stop arguing. “But I know that’s not your style, it’s not mine either. I’m not going to say violence is the best way to show assertiveness.”
Bertholdt remained silent, not trusting himself to refrain from diminishing himself further. He knew Reiner hated when he did that.
Reiner sighs. Bringing his hand back up to run through Bertholdt’s hair. “I’d never be disappointed in you just because you can’t solve one of their stupid arguments. Welcome to the club.” Reiner says, “But.. You shouldn’t take shit like that. Don’t let people walk all over you.”
Bertholdt remained still, refusing to look at Reiner as he closed his eyes, deadpanned. “You know… they’d be saying far worse if they knew what we did.”
The remark took Reiner slightly off guard as the pair fell silent. He didn’t quite know what to say to that, preferring to avoid thinking about it, to avoid making any plans regarding it as much as he could. He just hoped when the time came, they’d be able to handle it and keep moving forward. They had to.
“I…I’m sorry.. It’s just.. if I can’t even solve a simple argument how can I make it back home? I’m just holding you and Annie back, you know that.” Bertholdt released a battered breath, shoulders tensing at the confession. Reiner squinted at him.
“Back when we were kids… I wasn’t even able to intervene when Porco would torment you. Yet even now, you always stand up for me.” He shamefully looked down at his hands. “What kind of partner does that make me?”
Reiner frowned, looking down and hooking his finger under Bertholdt’s chin to force him remove his head from the shameful cave he’s created for himself, and look up. Look up into Reiner’s eyes, an action symbolic of the hope and motivation the blonde wishes to give him.
“I understand why being upfront with your feelings and sharing them to me can be hard, but keeping them all to yourself is hurting you.” Reiner says, not breaking eye contact with the green-eyed boy. “Please. Talk to me about feelings like this more often.”
Bertholdt’s eyes softened, tears daring to blur his vision as he nods slowly in Reiner’s hold. Letting go of his chin, Reiner’s thumb swabs at his eyes, swiping any lingering tears away from the face he holds so dear.
Reiner breaths in, leaning back slightly but never letting go. “I know back at home.. It was hard to truly voice how we felt. Our opinion was never considered solely because we were Eldian, that never changed when we became Warriors.” Reiner stares at the dancing flame of the lantern beside the pair. “It pains me that this trauma has followed you for all these years.”
He was right. As kids they learnt to avoid arguments for good reason, their superiors not tolerating any dissent whether right or wrong. They had no will of their own and that stuck with Bertholdt out of fear. But here, maybe they could come to understand that things were different.
“And fuck.. I know we don’t talk about it, but being here has opened my eyes to a lot of things, Bertholdt. Factors of our upbringing, everything we’ve been told as children, gruesome narratives about these people drilled into our heads. It’s all… untrue.” Reiner shuts his eyes, squeezing them shut, as if trying to somehow convince himself he’s lying, that they were sent to eradicate true devils and not human beings like them.
Bertholdt kept his eyes on him. He understood the feeling all too well. Internal battles and inner conflict with their own brain. Years of psychological trauma, manipulation, and war propaganda all being disapproved at once. A cruel reality they had to face. This world was unfair, they were sent to murder innocent lives.
Truly, Bertholdt knew deep down that Reiner figured this out long ago. Despite it being an unspoken passage between the three warriors, Reiner’s infrequent personality splits proved it, and Annie discovered this long ago. They used to be able to woefully justify their actions, telling themselves those people are nothing but devil spawns whose lineage endangered their lives, only for it to be refuted.
The taller boy swallowed, bringing his hand up to cup Reiner’s tensed cheek, causing the blonde boy to meet his eyes once more. There he is. “…They’re just like us, Reiner. They don’t know what they’ve done wrong to warrant so much hatred. Kids signing up to fight in wars for the future of their country, just like us..”
Reiner stifled a sob, reminding himself to stay strong for his companion. “Mmh, they are. We were lied to.” He clung onto Bertholdt, the only thing that kept him sane, “This world is cruel, it’s either them or.. us.. the rest of the world.”
Bertholdt nodded slowly, now using his thumb to collect any tears that Reiner unwillingly let loose as the boy continued to rub his shoulders.
“I signed up to be a hero. To earn the respect of Marley and my.. my fathe-.. None of those wishes have come true.” Reiner sucked in a breath, reminding himself to take his own advice and breathe. “My family living a better life in Liberio is all we got, your dad included. I am happy about that, I just wish the situation could’ve been different.”
“So to hell if you think anything you do could ever disappoint me. You’re all I have.”
Bertholdt could only nod, scooting his body closer to Reiner and running a hand down his neck in a soothing motion. He felt guilty, not intending to make Reiner face these emotions once again. But he knows it’s healthy for them to discuss it.
“Bertl,” Reiner broke the silence, voice slowly returning to its normal steadiness, “Tell me something that’s on your mind. Be straight forward with me.”
Bertholdt met Reiner’s eyes, seeing the sincerity and the eagerness first hand. He knew why Reiner was asking this. He’s insistent of Bertholdt voicing his concerns with him, especially when he’s just poured his own heart out. Bertholdt isn’t going to shut him out.
“I miss my dad.”
I miss his cooking, his laugh, his smile, I miss the way he would kiss my forehead before I left, the way he’d tuck me in, the time he taught me how to shoot, how proud he was when I told him I got into the warrior program. All the things Bertholdt wanted to scream, but left unspoken.
Reiner gave him a sad smile, placing his hand over the one Bertholdt had glued to his face. “I know, Bertl. I miss my family too,” He closes his eyes. “I wonder how big little Gabi has gotten.”
Bertholdt smiled fondly. Gabi was only a baby when they left, he’d never forget the look of pure adoration on Reiner’s face when they met her for the first time together. It was in that moment Reiner swore to shield her from the world.
“She’d be walking on her own by now, talking your uncle’s ears off and dragging her friends along to the riverbank, if she’s anything like you.” Bertholdt replied, reminiscing over the way Reiner would come to his house during early hours of the morning before training to go capture frogs by the river to sell at the markets.
Reiner opened his eyes, letting out a laugh. Bertholdt missed that laugh. “You’re right. God, I can’t believe you kept putting up with me waking you up so early.” His eyes light up, "Remember when I stuffed a frog into Annie's backpack? ...God, I've never seen her so afraid."
After some thought, Reiner’s eyebrows knitted together as his expression fell, concern over a relating subject tugging at his lips. “You know, it worries me when you blankly agree to Annie or I’s plans without considering your own thoughts.” Reiner admits, “Annie has a lot to say about my decisions, surely you must too.”
Bertholdt’s eyes widened at the revelation. In truth, it was hard for him to make decisions on his own. Having the standard of his life and actions dictated to him ever since he was young was something he was used to, having a will of his own was something he dismissed long ago.
Reiner brought his hand up to caress Bertholdt’s cheek with his thumb. “I just want you to be aware that your opinion matters to me. It matters so much, Bertl. I don’t want you to stress yourself out because you have a hard time saying no. I hate to think I'm ever putting you in an uncomfortable situatio—“
“No,” Bertholdt interrupts, jerking in Reiner’s hold. “I mean.. Reiner, you’ve never done that, please believe me,” Bertholdt pleaded. “I can’t describe it but.. I just don’t think my input is worth it, you and Annie always know what’s best. You two come up with ideas that I'd never even thought of.”
He smiled. “Besides, I know I love my beauty sleep but if abandoning it meant I got to spend more time with you, I'd do it in a heartbeat.” Bertholdt blushed at the confession that left his mouth before he could think about it, looking down and attempting to hide it in Reiner’s chest
Reiner returned the flustered expression, red decorating his face as he planted it in Bertholdt’s hair. “You’re too good to me.” He scoffs.
“But Bertl, me and Annie don’t always know what’s best.” Reiner starts, looking back up and returning to his stern voice. “Your input is more than worth it. Don’t you ever doubt that.”
Slowly, Bertholdt raises his head, shoulders tensing as he holds a breath.
Reiner places a steady hand on his back. “Hey, we’ll start small, okay? Just let me know your point of view about a decision I'm making next time. Nudge me, glare at me, outright tell me, whatever it takes. Don’t let your thoughts get the better of you.”
“I don’t want you to feel like your emotions don’t matter to me, alright? I won’t belittle you. It won’t happen overnight, I'll be here to guide you.” He says. “It doesn’t need to be overly complicated, I won’t ask you for a full explanation, just be direct with your needs. Once you start to do it, it’ll feel more natural.”
Bertholdt blinked, gaining the courage to look into Reiner’s golden eyes, seeing nothing but pure sincerity and care. He wants to cry again, but muffled the whimper that dared to escape.
Reiner must have caught on, because he always does. The blonde wraps his bulky arms around Bertholdt’s body, pulling him onto his lap and letting him bury his face into his neck.
Bertholdt nuzzled him, breathing in his calming musk and wrapping his long arms around him. “I’m sorry.. I don’t mean to make you take on all the responsibility and decision making on your own..” The taller boy states.
Reiner buried his nose into Bertholdt’s shoulder. “That’s not what I care about. I promised to take on this role when Mar— when he-… I… I won’t let us down.” Reiner staggers, “I just think this is a good first step to helping you tackle your fears, is all.”
“It’s not fair on you either, Reiner.”
Reiner closed his eyes. Truthfully, it’s not fair on anyone. This world is ever changing, how things are, how things have to be, it’s all an unfair, cruel joke that they’re forced to partake in.
The only constant thing in his life is Bertholdt. He intends to keep it that way.
“You know, Bertl,” Reiner kisses the side of his neck lovingly. “What Jean said isn’t true. I like my Bertholdt when he’s loud, when he’s proud of who he is, when he laughs like there’s nobody else in the room.”
Bertholdt opened his eyes. Confused at first, but then remembered that Jean did tell him he should stick to being quiet during situations like that. Just how much did Reiner overhear?
“When you’re with me, when it’s just the two of us, you come out of your shell. I’m so honored you feel comfortable enough with me to show me that side of you.“
Bertholdt couldn’t hide the smile against Reiner’s neck, an action the blonde must’ve felt because he slowly pulled back to look at the olive eyed boy.
“There it is. That beautiful smile I know and love.” He grins, leaning down to plant a soft kiss on Bertholdt’s nose. He giggles.
“Don’t hide yourself, I tell you this all the time, but you need to stand proud. But when you can’t, I'll always be here. Needing help doesn’t make you weak. You have a will of your own.”
Reiner plants more kisses all over Bertholdt’s face, causing the boy to let out a series of laughs before struggling in his hold. “Breathtaking.” Reiner couldn’t be more content like this.
Bertholdt scoffs. “I look like a mess, you idiot.”
The blonde pulled back, instead bringing his hand to cup the taller’s face. “Remember when we were kids? You always held your hand out for me. You told me to stand up, even when I was an ugly crying mess with snot dripping out my nose on the floor.”
Bertholdt wetly giggled at the memory. A tiny Reiner with dirt mixed with tears smeared across his face after Porco had pushed him to the ground, how much he’s grown in stature since.
“You supported me every single day since the moment we met. Unlike everyone else, you never saw me as weak or incapable. Don’t you dare think I'd assume the same about you.” Reiner claimed, voice strong. “Remember when you’d stay back after training to help me hit those bullseyes? All those tips you gave me and the time you invited me over for dinner for the first time, I'll never forget your father’s food.”
The raven haired boy smiled softly, the memory of Reiner scoffing down his father’s food like it was his final meal. His father went to bed so proud that night. Proud that he’s still a good cook, but mostly proud of his son for making such a kind friend.
Reiner’s hands travelled to his hair. “Even now, you still held me and wiped my tears when you were the one breaking down moments before.“ He laughs, “You’ve already proved you’re more than capable, Bertl. You mastered your damned titan before anyone else, even now, you’re still placing ranks above others. I know you hate the attention and praise but you do deserve it.”
Bertholdt fights tears, trembling in his arms, teeth locked together as his breaths quicken. Reiner holds him, coaxing him to breathe, promising him he’s safe, that they’re all safe. Even after his breaths even, he doesn’t let go.
Reiner cups his face again, guiding his eyes to look at him. “Truthfully, you’ve always been stronger than me, Bertl. Give yourself some credit. You keep us together. You keep me grounded all these years. Without you here… hell, Annie and I would’ve ripped each other’s heads off long ago.”
Bertholdt let out a wet laugh, tears breaking loose to run down his flushed face. But they weren’t tears of sorrow, Reiner always managed to coax these emotions out of him.
Reiner thumbed away the droplets, smiling back at him and ignoring the way his own eyes stung. “Seeing your beautiful face and the way your eyes wrinkle when you show me that endearing smile, it reminds me what I'm fighting for.”
Bertholdt couldn’t hold in the snort. “Thank you, Reiner. For everything. I needed this.”
“You.. I— I really love you. I was too lost in my own head I couldn’t see how much you.. well-“
“How much I love you too? How much I care about you?” Reiner giggled as he planted more kisses over Bertholdt’s face.
Reiner’s eyes softened as he pulled back, looking into the green eyes he loves so much. “For the years we have left in this world, I want to spend every last second with you.” He coaxed. “If you’ll have me.”
Bertholdt’s hand wrapped around the back of Reiner’s neck, resting gently on his nape. An action of great sentiment and intimacy between the boys. “Of course, I always will.”
Reiner leaned closer, pressing his lips against the taller boy’s and cupping the back of his neck the same way.
He pulled away briefly. “Let’s stick together tonight. We’ll tell Shadis the brave and kindhearted leader of Team Hoover stumbled upon a lost and malnourished Team Connie, and so humbly offered them a place to refuge amongst him."
Bertholdt giggled, leaning in to steal another kiss from those pink lips.
“It’s not far from the truth at all, actually.” Reiner added after pulling back slightly, recounting his team’s genuine predicament.
Bertholdt smiled. “I’d like that.”
Pressing his lips to Reiner’s once more, he was met with the relieving feeling of mutual understanding, providing him whispered promises that someone was willing to stand by him until the end.
Despite the circumstances, their love was indestructible.