Archive of Our Own

Falling in love with Satoru came easy. In fact, it felt like breathing, as if loving Satoru was part of his function, like the body and mind were made to do it. Loving Satoru was as easy as breathing, like his body had been created to touch him, to lock his hands in Satoru's ones, to put his lips on his and kiss him, to feel his warmth on a cold winter night, to play with the locks of his hair when he was sleeping.

Sometimes Suguru thought he had been put on this earth to love Satoru. They were born on the same day, December 24th, Christmas Eve, except Satoru had been born in the morning with the sun rising, red and yellow mixed together, melting the snow in its vivacity. Suguru had been born during the evening with the setting sun illuminating the room, encompassing the ice in its dull warmth.

Their names were composed of 6 letters, their last names of 4 so it was easy to say "Satoru and Suguru" or "Suguru and Satoru", like there was no possibility for it to only be "Suguru" or "Satoru", like something was missing if someone didn't say their names together.

Satoru was born as a God but no one needed anyone to tell them, they only needed one look to know that the boy wasn't like others. Satoru had white hair, like the first snow of winter and blue eyes that would put to shame the galaxy or pretty much anything. Suguru thought there was nothing that could ever be as pretty as them. He looked at paintings from the Romanticism period, Delacroix, Goya, Dahl, Scheffer and absolutely nothing even came close to the beauty that was Gojo Satoru.

Suguru had thought that if the boy had been born during Ancient Greece, he'd be revered throughout the whole country, that sculptors would've created tens and hundreds of sculptures of him. Suguru also knew that none of them would've been able to translate Satoru's looks. In their world, Satoru wasn't revered although people stopped by sometimes to ask him some things, most of the time, everyone just ignored him, like they were scared that if they offended him, Satoru would curse them for eternity.

And it was unfair, Suguru thought. It was unfair to Satoru because for him, he was no God but just Satoru, his best friend, his lover, his companion. But even if he believed that, Suguru couldn't help but feel the distance that separated them and would continue to grow more and more as time went by, until, Satoru would be so far ahead that Suguru wouldn't be able to see him anymore, to touch him, to smell him, to hear his voice and its deep timbre, to see the shine in his eyes, to hear him say his name.

"Su-gu-ru", three syllables.

Suguru raised his head, meeting Satoru's eyes, the boy had just gone back from buying sodas from the vending machine just a few feet away from them.

"Watcha thinking about?", he asked, giving Suguru his peach-flavored drink before sitting down next to him, sighing, surely because of the heat, it was summer.

"Nothing really", he answered, opening the bottle before taking a sip, it wasn't too sweet which he liked compared to Satoru who had opted for his favorite fizzy drink which was a mixture of pink and blue. The sound it made was familiar.

"You never think about nothing", argued Satoru back, drinking a large part of his drink. "Actually, I believe you think too much".

"Well someone's gotta have the brain cells between the two of us", he said, a small smile adorning his lips.

"Mean!", Satoru pouted. And wrong, Suguru thought. Between the two of them, Satoru was the genius, he excelled at mathematics and pretty much every subject, he was so far ahead of the curve, Suguru wasn't even on the same length.

"Well since you don't want to share your thoughts, let me share mine", began Satoru. "I think we should go that festival."

Suguru looked at him. "The fireworks one? At Okinawa?"

Satoru nodded his head, excitingly. "Yeah! Apparently it's supposed to be the biggest one in Japan, said they wanted to show people that Okinawa could be as cool as Tokyo or something like that, I kinda skimmed through it after I read that there'd be fireworks".

"Will I have to wear a yukata?", he asked and noticed Satoru's ears becoming a light shade of pink.

"I mean, if you want!", he said, "Obviously, I think, from a totally esthetical point of view that you should, because, esthetically speaking, if we're going to a fireworks festival then other people will wear yukatas and kimonos and you know, I wouldn't want you to stand out too much".

Suguru felt a laugh trying to stir itself from his chest but coughed it out and nodded instead. "You should wear one too. You know, just from an esthetical point of view".

"Should we match? The colors I mean", Satoru asked and Suguru thought that was cute.

"Yeah, definitely but I don't want you to see it before the festival".

"What?", Satoru's pout on his face was evident. "You know how impatient I am".

"Well you'd have to be patient for this", Suguru finished his drink. "Besides, the festival's only in two weeks".

"That's like 14 days of thinking about you in a yukata".

"Come here Satoru".

Satoru closed the gap between them, eyes staring at him innocently.

Suguru surged and bit his ear, giggling as he heard the boy shriek. "Argh!, what'd you do that for?", he cried out, cheeks red.

Suguru laughed and stood up, "Come on Satoru, or we'll be late for class".

"Mean, mean, you're so mean Suguru".

The festival had come quickly although that hadn't stopped Satoru from whining about it. "Just a pic of the sleeve, Suguru", or "Come on, just show me your face wearing it", "But then you wouldn't even see it?", "Yeah but I'd know you're wearing it".

Suguru was waiting for him at the train station. He'd bought a black yukata, the fabric felt soft on his body and the sash wrapped around his waist was white per Satoru's idea. He felt a little silly, waiting dressed like this when everyone around him was wearing ordinary clothes but all of his embarrassment faded when he noticed Satoru walking towards him.

The man had worn the same yukata as him but white, except his sash was black instead, contrasting with Suguru's white one. Satoru's eyes were crinckled and that's when he noticed the boy was smiling and the sight of it, almost made him lose his breath or it might've had because Suguru felt like he was going to pass out if he kept staring at his face. This was the happiest Suguru had ever seen Satoru and he couldn't comprehend why.

"You look beautiful, Suguru", the boy said as he took a strand of Suguru's hair before putting it behind his ear.

Satoru smelled like lavender and strawberries, Suguru had asked him so many times what kind of shampoo he used but the boy just used regular ones so Suguru had figured that this was just how he smelled and maybe that was a God thing or just a Satoru thing.

"You're not bad yourself", Suguru answered and didn't say anything else, scared of what he might utter if he went on. He intertwined Satoru's fingers with his own. "Come on or we're going to miss the train".

The travel was quick and peaceful, occasionally Satoru would point his finger at something and exclaim enthusiastically at whatever he was showing him and Suguru would hum, softly caressing his hand. When they arrived at the festival, what first brought attention to Suguru was the fact that it was so crowded, so many people, he couldn't even recognize any faces, it was as if the crowd had become one combination, a swarm of humans. He felt something pulled on his wrist and noticed Satoru tightening up a red cord around them.

"So that you won't get lost", he said as he wrapped the end on his own wrist before making a knot.

Suguru huffed. "Between the two of us, you're the one most likely to get lost".

Satoru laughed but didn't deny it. "Come on, now let's see the shops".

There were so many things to do, Suguru had started to get lightheaded as Satoru pulled him to numerous shops "Come on, Suguru, you gotta try the Takoyaki", and "Suguru! Here for you!", he was handed a small white rabbit after Satoru had been successful in his shateki game. Suguru let himself be pulled to whatever games Satoru wanted to play, until something caught his attention.

"What's this?", Suguru asked staring at a stall where tiny plaques hung upon them. The two boys walked towards the man that was in front of it. "Hi, kids! Wanna make a wish?"

Satoru scrunched his nose. "Wishes don't exist".

Suguru tightened his hold over his hand and glared at him but the man took no offense as he laughed. "Well, I don't think a soon-to-become God should say that".

"Forgive him", Suguru voiced out before Satoru could speak again. He looked at the drawings. "What are these?"

"Wishes. People pay a few coins and they can draw their wishes on a plaque and then hang it here to make it true. It's just an old tradition".

"How much?", he asked.

"Ugh, Suguru, you can't be serious".

"300 Yen", the employee said. Suguru took some money out of his pocket and gave it to the man who exchanged the coins with their own plaques and some pens.

"Come on, Satoru, it'll be fun".

Satoru groaned but took the plaque and stared at the blank canvas. "I don't know what to wish for".

"You don't want anything right now?", Suguru asked, he already knew what he was going to draw.

Satoru raised his eyes to the sky, seemingly in thought. "I have everything I need right now".

"Then", Suguru said softly, "Wish for something in the future".

Satoru's eyes went from the sky to him, he looked at him for a few seconds before nodding. "Okay".

Suguru concentrated on his own drawing, creating his art carefully and as neatly as possible. He looked up after a few minutes, only to find Satoru staring at him. "Are you finished?", he asked.

Satoru nodded and Suguru was going to show his drawing before he was stopped, a hand softly gripping his wrist before letting go. "Ah kids! You can't show your drawings, otherwise your wishes won't come true".

Suguru saw Satoru pull a face of offense mixed with disgust which only meant that Suguru had to speak before he did. "It makes sense! I mean it's the same for birthday wishes, you can't tell them otherwise they won't happen. Come on, Satoru, hang your drawing already".

Satoru sighed but turned it around, hung it in a place where no other plaques were, and Suguru put his, right next to him. The two plaques were touching, softly clinking against each other and Suguru had wanted to turn Satoru's around just to see what he had drawn.

Satoru groaned "Let's leave already or I'll just take back our drawings and see your wish".

Suguru smiled but followed Satoru, his hand holding him tightly. "You truly hate not knowing things, Satoru".

"It doesn't matter. When I become a God, I'll know everything so you don't have long until your secret is no longer safe".

Suguru was ready to argue back until he heard Satoru's gasp as he looked at his watch. "The fireworks are about to start! Quick!"

Suguru didn't know what Satoru meant by quick but he ran with him, well, more like was forced to run with him as their wrists were still bound to each other and as Suguru tried to make his way through the amount of people, he was grateful for it. They ran for a few minutes before Satoru finally stopped, Suguru almost crashing against his back.

"Oh my god", Suguru gasped, trying to regain his breath. "Since...", another gasp. "Since when did you have so much stamina, Satoru?".

Satoru smiled. "I don't know, it just happened".

Suguru wanted to argue that things didn't just happen but then he remembered that he was talking to a soon-to-be God and maybe things really just happened.

"Anyway-", but Suguru's voice was cut short as he heard a siffling sound and then a pop. The sky was suddenly full of colors and Suguru's mouth parted slightly. Up in the sky, the darkness of the sky that usually habited it was now colored with sparks of blue, green and yellow. It was absolutely beautiful and Suguru could not gaze away from the spectacle. Again and again, more and more fireworks followed, Suguru thought he'd never see the end of it. He reminded himself to close his mouth and then, turned to his right to look at Satoru.

But the boy was already looking at him. Satoru was smiling and Suguru could see the fireworks reflected onto his eyes and even though, Suguru thought there was nothing in the world that could've made Satoru's eyes prettier, in that moment, Satoru's eyes were the prettiest he'd ever seen them. Suguru was aware that the fireworks were still going but he couldn't hear their sounds anymore, everything felt quiet and the boy almost thought that perhaps he had gone deaf until Satoru spoke "Suguru, will you marry me?".

Suguru looked at him closely, as if to see if he was joking or not but there wasn't an ounce of mischief on his features. "We're teenagers, Satoru", said Suguru after a minute, like that was the most important thing that came between them and not the fact that they both knew, Satoru's time on earth was limited, that the boy only had 5 months left on this earth and then he'll leave and Suguru would be all alone.

"And I'm a God", replied Satoru, although he knew how much Suguru hated it when he said it. Satoru wasn't a god yet, he would be one, soon. But for now, he was as much human as him.

"You're so selfish", Suguru uttered, voice shaky, he'd try to be brave.

Satoru looked at him and waited a few seconds before speaking again. "I know".

Suguru groaned and quickly swiped the forming of tears that were threatening to escape. He couldn't cry in front of Satoru. He wouldn't allow it. "I would", he replied. "Marry you. I would do it".

And Satoru smiled, overshadowing the popping fireworks. Suguru saw the sun again for the second time that evening.

They had gone back to Satoru's home. The boy lived alone, a wish he'd told his parents the day he turned seventeen, said he wanted to live his last year as human alone. And his parents had obliged, like granting a dying child's their last wish and maybe that was the case.

"You know your scar still looks fresh", Suguru observed. They were both naked and under a soft white sheet that barely hid anything. Satoru was lying down on his back, softly brushing Suguru's hair with his fingers. Suguru was on his stomach, and he rose a little bit, balancing himself on his elbows to look at Satoru's scar on his forehead. The boy had gotten it at five years old, he had fallen from the stairs and had needed several stitches for his injury.

"Sometimes, it still hurts", Satoru said, touching it before retracting his hand and putting it on Suguru's hip.

"On the days where it hurts, sometimes it looks like it's pinker than usual", Suguru remarked.

"Really?".

"Yeah, I notice everything. I'm pretty sure I'm an expert on you Satoru, you could cut a piece of your hair tomorrow and I'd know".

Satoru smiled, like the thought of it almost made him laugh. "Well tell me, tell me all you know about me".

Suguru thought for a moment, before speaking. "Your hair gets really frizzy if you don't blow it after showering sometimes. At night, I swear I can notice some freckles on your nose even though they're gone by the day. Your nose gets really pink when you're cold and your ears turn the same color when you're embarrassed".

Satoru hummed, a deep rumble. "Tell me more".

"I know that you secretly love reading the romance books I force you to read. I know that you get easily cold, that you hate the cold actually but you also hate the heat so your favorite season is autumn even though you also think autumn can be too depressing. I know you like rainy days, that you always use them as an excuse to make the hot cocoa I showed to you and that you probably like it even more than I do now. I know that sometimes you get confused in your own feelings and you don't know how to react, and sometimes it embarrasses you so you act like you don't care but I know you do, Satoru".

Satoru was staring at him silently and gently cupped his cheek before kissing slowly. Like Suguru was made of glass and the slight touch could crack him. Suguru responded, kissing back with more fervor and Satoru gasped before pulling away, a string of saliva following him. "Can't go again Suguru, we have school in two days, don't want your back to hurt", he said, slowly squeezing his butt after finishing those words.

Suguru squirmed and fell on his chest. "You're only selfish about the wrong things, Satoru".

Satoru laughed. "Maybe".

They didn't end up marrying each other, even though Suguru hadn't thought that was possible. Nevertheless, one time during lunch break, Satoru showed up with silver platinum rings. "Are they real?", Suguru asked as Satoru gently took his left finger and put it on.

"Of course they are", said Satoru, offended. "I wouldn't buy something cheap for you".

Suguru scoffed. "Your parents really let you buy wedding rings?", the boy did the same motion as Satoru, the ring softly gliding against his skin.

"Yeah they did. They buy whatever I ask them", Satoru declared, like that was simple.

"I kinda feel bad for your parents".

"I don't".

And that was Satoru, as tactless as ever.

"Aren't you sad that you won't get to see them?", Suguru asked, looking at him, Satoru put his hands behind his head and leaned on the wall. They were on the school's roof and the sun was out with a light breeze that came with autumn.

"I mean, I understand it. Maybe I was sad in the past but it feels like every year that passes by, I just lose or forget the affection that I held for people. Like I'm slowly losing something inside me, I don't know what it is, like I'm detached from all things, as if I look at the feelings that I hold for them through an omniscient point of view.".

Suguru didn't know what to say to that, how could he? Even if he tried not to see it, Satoru was different than him, he had always been. A silence took place before Satoru spoke again. "It's like, there's a gulf that deepens every year that passes by, you can admire a blooming flower, but you can't ask it to understand you".

Suguru smiled. "Are you comparing yourself to a flower?", he teased.

Satoru pouted and huffed. "You're ruining my analogy, Suguru".

Suguru hummed and stared at the distance, his throat felt dry.

"Except for you, Suguru.", Satoru declared, voice lighter. "My feelings never changed for you. Actually it's the opposite. Every year I feel something more. And maybe I'm glad that I'll leave this year because I feel like I'd probably explode if I could feel even more for you. I don't think it's even possible".

"Don't say that", hissed Suguru, with so much anger dripping from his tongue, it shook him to his core. Like something had awoken deep within himself, as though the anger was coming from a place so buried within himself, Suguru wasn't able to register its existence until it overtook him.

Satoru's eyes widened and he bit his lips, looking apologetic. "Sorry".

Suguru huffed and flicked his forehead. "If that ever happened, I'd be able to take it, all of your love, even if it destroyed me".

"You can be such a romantic", Satoru commented, trying to lighten up the mood and guilt formed itself in Suguru's gut, tugging at him. He hadn't meant to snap at him, but the words had pushed him over the edge, although he couldn't even understand where that edge was.

Suguru sighed and put his head over Satoru's shoulder. "Let's just... Let's just stop talking about that".

Suguru relaxed his body against the boy, and he closed his eyes. Satoru spoke a beat later. "I thought you'd have wanted to talk about it.", he paused. "I only have 2 months left".

"I don't", Suguru answered and maybe he was being irrational but he didn't want to think about it. And talking about it would only make the situation real.

Satoru hummed and caressed Suguru's thigh, drawing circles on his clothing. "But I do want to talk about it, Suguru. About after it".

"There's nothing after it".

"There's you, after it, Suguru".

Suguru sighed, shaky. "It doesn't matter".

"It does matter to me".

"Seriously, Satoru, you can be so annoying-", but Suguru's words died on his tongue, a sob came out which felt more like a ripple than anything else, sudden and ugly.

Satoru's mouth parted, shock painting his features and Suguru suddenly felt embarassed, tears staining his cheeks, like the ocean overflowing them, a storm that had hidden within himself.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Suguru", Satoru repeated, putting his hands around his waist and pressing their foreheads together, skin against skin. He closed his eyes. "You're right, if you don't want to talk about it, let's not talk about it".

Suguru let himself feel the press of Satoru's body against his own. The warmth was blocking the cold wind and Suguru wished he could merge with Satoru, bodies so closely linked, the only thing he'd be able to feel would be Satoru, Satoru, Satoru...

Sometimes Suguru felt like he had known Satoru his entire life. And then he realized he had met him when he was 15 and he was soon turning 18 so he figured that's why it felt like his entire life.

Satoru came quietly but with a palpable edge.

At first, Suguru hadn't realized he was looking at what would soon be a God. Satoru was reserved, borderline cold. He didn't talk to anyone but kept to himself. He didn't try to converse with others, he was happy to be on his own. Suguru understood what Satoru was the day he walked to the public bathroom and noticed Satoru there, hovering over the sink, splashing water over his face to cool him down.

Suguru had frozen for a second, the boy wore a blindfold coming to school and although Suguru had found it weird, he didn't think about it further than that and maybe he should've as Satoru opened his eyes and looked blankly at him through the mirror. Time stopped shortly and Suguru gasped, staring at the abyss itself. Or no, it was wrong to describe Satoru's eyes like the abyss. Satoru's eyes were a bright blue color, the sky reflecting onto them and Suguru could almost feel the cold air it came with. The eyes were swallowing him, pulling him towards something, he couldn't comprehend it. Satoru blinked. "Are you still alive or?", he said.

This was the first time Suguru heard his voice, it was deeper than he expected. "I-", Suguru uttered, trying to talk, to say anything but Satoru's eyes were still on him and his brain just couldn't work.

"I-", repeated Satoru and Suguru swore he could hear a tease.

Satoru probably took pity on him and put his blindfold back on, Suguru breathed again. The boy was going to leave before he stopped him. "Wait! So, you're... going to become a God?", he asked. He knew every fifty years, someone would be born into this world and turn into a God at 18 years old. But this was the first time Suguru met someone like that.

"What does it look like?", Satoru asked, hands in his pockets. Now that Suguru looked closely, the boy was a little taller than him.

"That's... That's so cool actually!", he exclaimed, cheeks flushing a bright red after he registered what he'd just said. "I-I mean, it's just...".

Satoru looked at him like he'd grown a second head before laughing. The sound shook Suguru up, he didn't know someone's laugh could sound so pretty.

"You're weird", Satoru said after finishing laughing, a hand on his mouth.

Suguru flushed. "You're the weird one".

"That's... Not wrong", Satoru conceded.

The bell rang and Suguru gasped, he didn't want to be late or else his parents would. "Let's go!", he took Satoru's hand without thinking about it and both of the boys ran to their classroom.

Being friends with Satoru came easy. Although the boy had seemed antisocial at first, Suguru just realized how funny he actually was and how much personality he hid. Satoru was good at everything, which frankly was annoying. Suguru had shown him how to play basketball, a sport he'd been playing since he was three and Satoru had only needed five sessions before being able to play on his level and another two sessions before being able to beat him.

"Urgh, why are you so good at everything, Satoru? 'S not fair", Suguru had moaned, falling down on his ass after a particularly heavy session where Satoru had won 20 to 5.

The boy laughed at his misery. "My brain just works faster I guess".

Suguru huffed. "Does it come with the soon to be God thing?".

Satoru hummed. "Maybe", he sat down next to him, pulling his hair out of his face, eyes closed.

Suguru stared at him, to say Satoru was beautiful was an understatement. The boy was gorgeous, unfairly so. His skin was fair, unpainted by any blemishes, his lashes were long and his lips were full and pink and Suguru swore sometimes they shined.

"You're burning a hole through me, Suguru", Satoru said although his eyes were still closed.

Suguru blushed at that. Right, Satoru could see even without looking. That had freaked out at first but the boy just accepted the fact that Satoru was weird.

"Am I that pretty?", Satoru asked and finally looked at him, a smug smile.

Suguru scoffed and strayed his gaze away from him. "You don't need the ego boost".

"You didn't deny it!".

Suguru rolled his eyes, his cheeks felt hot and he lay down on his back. The peace didn't last for long as he felt Satoru hovering over him. "What?", he asked, he didn't know why he was feeling so breathless but Satoru's face was too close to him.

"Am I pretty or not?", asked Satoru.

Suguru groaned. "You already know the answer Satoru! You probably get confessed every 2 to 3 business days".

Satoru snorted and the sound almost made Suguru's heart give out. "Not true".

Suguru could hear students outside, talking animatedly, the cicadas were singing, it was summer when he realized he was in love with Gojo Satoru.

"Hello? Earth to Suguru", Satoru said, still looking at him with his eyes, unblinking.

"Satoru", Suguru began, voice thick. "Are you sure you're going to be a God?".

Satoru frowned, incomprehension sulling his delicate features. "Yeah? I mean I don't know how I could not know."

Suguru smiled. "You might just be weird".

Satoru scoffed. "Mean!".

Suguru raised his hand and slowly touched one of Satoru's hair strands. "Are you excited about it?".

Satoru cocked his head, seemingly in thought. "I don't know. I don't really think about it and it's not like I can ask questions to anyone".

"There aren't any books about it?".

Satoru smiled. "No you bookworm, unfortunately there aren't".

Suguru huffed and finally raised himself, Satoru moved next to him.

"Whatever, I'm sure it's all hype for nothing", Suguru grumbled while standing up and dusting himself off.

"You're just jealous", teased Satoru, following him shortly.

Suguru huffed. "Yeah right".

It was summer when Suguru realized how doomed he was.

If Suguru couldn't specifically remember when he fell for Satoru, he could remember when he'd confessed to him. Although, Satoru liked to say that he was the one who did it -Suguru disagrees-. They'd gone to KFC because Satoru had begged him to and told him that he'd pay for him and who was Suguru to deny free food? Satoru had ordered a 15-fried chicken bucket -for himself- like he always did and Suguru still had no idea how the boy was able to stomach all of it. The black haired boy had gotten a burger with some fries, even though he didn't really like KFC's fries but he didn't want to look out of place with his lone burger compared to Satoru's huge bucket.

"Anyway, why did you even want to come here?", Suguru had asked, munching on his food, the sourness of pickles making him grimace, he'd forgotten to remove them.

Satoru finished swallowing a bite of his chicken before answering. "Cause it's Christmas, Suguru".

The boy parted his mouth, how could he even forget it was Christmas? He checked his phone and Satoru was right, it was December 25th, they'd just finished celebrating their birthdays just yesterday and Suguru had just forgotten completely about it. He'd never cared much for Christmas, maybe it was due to the fact that his birthday was so closely linked to it that celebrating two days in a row just wasn't appetizing. His parents also weren't the type to celebrate Christmas, so when Suguru had been old enough to know that Santa Claus was in fact, not real, they'd stop celebrating the festivity.

"Do you even celebrate Christmas, Satoru?", he asked curiously, Satoru didn't look like the type to celebrate anything.

"Not really", the boy acknowledged. "I just thought it'd be fun to do something together".

"And that's why you brought me to KFC?".

Satoru grimaced and put down his half-eaten fried chicken which he'd dipped in hot sauce. "KFC is important during Christmas, don't you know that Suguru?".

Suguru frowned, he didn't know that. "How could KFC be important to Christmas, Satoru? Let's eat chicken that were probably killed in awful conditions, how magical!"

Satoru groaned, "Thought you had abandoned those vegetarian ideas, Suguru!".

Suguru had thought about becoming vegetarian after he'd watched a video in one of his classes about how Junk Food was made. Satoru had been napping during that class, so he had no idea how traumatizing that had been!

"I did", he answered because he just liked meat too much to give it up. "Anyway, my point is that's not really the place to celebrate Christmas".

"How'd you want it to celebrate it, then?", asked Satoru who had started eating again, already halfway through his bucket.

Suguru thought. In every Christmas movie he'd watched since he was a kid, Christmas meant family, reunion and love. "I don't know... We could've stayed at your place or mine and we could've..." kissed, Suguru wanted to say but didn't. "We could've played games".

"We already play games almost every day".

"I don't mean Pokemon! I mean like cardboard games, like Monopoly".

Satoru smiled, "You just like playing Monopoly because I suck at this game".

Suguru's mouth twitched, "No", not really, he did like seeing Satoru lose for once in his life because the boy never loses at anything but he also liked the concept of it. "Although, it is funny seeing you go deeper and deeper into debt". Suguru didn't even think Satoru knew what debt was before playing Monopoly for the first time.

"You just want to rob me of my money".

"First, not your money but your parents and yes I'm sure you'll never be able to financially recover after buying me an 800 Yen KFC meal".

Satoru pouted, licking his hands clean and if that had been anyone else, Suguru would've thought that was gross but his brain simply focused on Satoru's lips and the way they softly grazed his fair skin before his pink tongue went over it swiftly. "You're so mean".

Suguru strayed away from his gaze, heat had started rising up to his cheeks and he did not want to get hard in a KFC. "Anyway, you finished? Let's go", the boy stood up and Satoru sighed, head on the booth's headrest. "Let me digest at least Suguru".

Suguru rolled his eyes and gave him his hand. "You can digest while walking".

Satoru's pout was still on his face but he took his hand and they both left the restaurant. It was 9 pm and the sky was pitch black, Suguru could see his own breathing due to how cold it was. Suguru stayed next to him, although when they first met the boy had been a little bit taller than him, it seemed like Satoru just couldn't stop growing. And Suguru knew that none of it was because of what he ate, Satoru had horrible eating habits. "Come closer", he ordered and Satoru closed the gap eagerly. "So you can protect me from the cold", he added.

Satoru whined. "How could you only see me as a shield?".

His body was warm against him, Suguru thought it'd be so easy to just reach out for his hand and intertwine their fingers. But he paid no mind to that thought. "Stop growing then, I feel like every day you just grow taller and taller".

They were walking on a bridge, the multiple cars were stuck in traffic.

"What if I just never stopped growing? Like I'd become a giant".

"You think that could happen?", Suguru entertained Satoru's rambling because he always did and he thought that was cute anyway.

"It's a possibility, you never know with that god thing".

"I think you read too many mangas", Suguru answered and he swore he could hear Satoru pouting, even though the boy made no noise.

"Would you still love me if I was a giant?".

And Suguru answered without thinking about it. "Yeah, Satoru", almost sighing.

Steps faltered and the boy frowned, Suguru turned around "Sator-", but words were lost as he noticed Satoru's blushy face, eyes so wide and so bright they almost blinded him. That was then when Suguru finally registered what he had said. "Yeah, Satoru", "Yeah, I'd still love you, Satoru", words unsaid but that had been understood by the white haired boy whose cheeks were now wine stained.

This was not how Suguru had envisioned confessing his feelings, even though he'd never had the courage to do it and never thought he would but still, sometimes at night he liked to fantasize about it. He thought he'd take Satoru to a nice place, maybe the shop where they sell crepes which Satoru adored and then he'd walk him home and tell him how much he loved him with the sunset illuminating them.

There was no sunset, it was dark and the only thing he could clearly see were Satoru's eyes. It was as if he'd been brought back to their first meeting, when he'd first seen his eyes for the first time and had been left speechless, he had found it difficult to even describe them. But although beautiful, Satoru's eyes had been cold and wary. Right now, the only thing he could see was pure adoration.

"I-", Suguru thought about what to say, should he just vomit all of his feelings all at once or just laugh it off? But the boy had no time to overthink before cold hands were cupping his cheeks and soft lips were pressed onto his own; Satoru was kissing him. Satoru was kissing him like he was the most delicate thing in the world. Satoru was kissing him like he loved him.

Suguru softly sighed and kissed him back, hands holding Satoru's hair tightly before lowering them around his neck, he needed him closer.

"Fuck Suguru", Satoru groaned as he parted after a few seconds, breathing heavily. The boy had tasted like strawberry chapstick.

"I knew you were stealing my chapstick after all", Suguru whispered.

Satoru laughed and kissed his cheek chastely. "That's the only thing you have to say?".

Suguru looked at him, he'd never seen Satoru so out of breath, so disheveled with his hair sticking out and pink cheeks. He'd never seen Satoru look so human.

"I love you, Satoru. I love you, I love you, I love you", he repeated. "I don't know if I'm even able to say more, I don't even know how to explain it all. I just love you too much to be able to talk about it".

Satoru grinned, eyes crinkled. "That's fine, that's okay", is the only thing he said before kissing him again, this time with more passion and Suguru gasped as he held onto him.

That night, the travel to Satoru's house had never felt more long.                       

Sometimes, Satoru's body shut down. Not literally, his organs and muscles still functioned. But the boy would just stop and stare at the distance, and it was as if all of the colors in his eyes were sucked up, leaving only a lifeless dark.

The first time it happened, Suguru had freaked out, thinking the boy was dying and had called the ambulance, only to be told later on by the doctors that it was normal, apparently. Satoru had received a well-deserved hit in the after that. "Why didn't you tell me it happened sometimes? Are you crazy?", had asked Suguru, breathless.

Satoru had groaned, still groggy. "M sorry, Suguru... It just happens, sometimes, a side effect of it".

It. They rarely talked about it. At first, Suguru had thought that becoming a God would only entail having freakish absolutely gorgeous eyes and being a genius. Which is why, he remembered saying to Satoru during their first how cool it was. The boy now cringed at his words. He couldn't be even more wrong.

Suguru sighed and gently took Satoru's hand. "Just... Please tell me about those things beforehand. You don't know how worried I was".

Suguru had looked guilty, and had nodded. "Yeah, Suguru, 'm sorry".

The shutdowns, as Suguru called them didn't happen often, one every 2 months maybe but he hated them. It was as if, Satoru was already gone, and only his body was left, like he was dead and Suguru was only looking at what remained of his best friend. Cold, dead, Satoru was none of those things.

"Satoru?", asked Suguru who'd noticed the body had stopped folding the laundry. He went towards him, only to be met with Satoru, staring at nothing, out of it. Suguru took out the piece of clothing he was holding and gently led him to his room.

"Come on, baby", he said, although he knew Satoru couldn't hear him. He laid him down carefully onto the bed and rested next to him, sitting and placing Satoru's head on his lap as Suguru started to play with his hair. The shutdowns only lasted an hour, but they were the moments when Suguru felt the loneliest in his life. Suguru wondered if this was how it was going to be, after their birthdays. The boy felt exhausted as he stared at Satoru and fell asleep, his hands still in Satoru's hair.

Soft kisses woke him up, gently pampered his skin, his face, his neck. He softly sighed and opened his eyes, meeting Satoru's lively gaze. "I'm sorry", Satoru said. The boy always apologized after the episodes, and Suguru had told him to stop apologizing, none of it was his fault, yet Satoru did so, so he had given up. They always had sex after it. Suguru didn't know if this was Satoru's way of apologizing or maybe the boy just needed something to feel alive, to ground him. If what Satoru needed was an anchor, Suguru would gladly throw himself at sea for him. Suguru had never asked him how the episodes felt. He didn't know if he wanted an answer.

"Need you baby", Satoru whispered, slowly taking off Suguru's shirt. 

"I know", Suguru said softly kissing him.

Satoru's body was warm against his own and his skin was soft and he was touching him everywhere and that was all that mattered.

Suguru was touching Satoru's heart, fingers slowly tracing the white glass, he softly tapped it, testing the resistance. Satoru didn't have a normal heart as he wasn't a normal person. Instead of warm skin, there was a cold crystal in the shape of a human heart. Suguru always thought it looked mocking. As if it was saying to him "Look what you almost could've had. But you didn't". So human-like and yet so far away from it. His hands tightened around it.

"What would happen if I took it?", he asked, lying down next to Satoru.

"I don't know, I'd die probably", Satoru answered.

"Can you, even?".

"I guess so".

"Would you prefer it?", Suguru wondered. "If you died now instead of becoming a God?".

Satoru stared at him, gaze indecipherable. One of his hands gently caressed Suguru's hair.

"I'd love everything you do to me".

Suguru swallowed, throat tight and broke eye contact. His grip loosened and he moved his hand to brush it against the white-haired boy's stomach. "I don't want to anyway", he spoke. "When you become a God I'll know where you are. If you die now, I'll never know".

"That's true", Satoru muttered.

Silence took place before Satoru cleared his throat. "I have a question actually".

Suguru raised his eyes to lock them with Satoru's. "Yeah?".

"Our birthdays are in a week".

Suguru remained silent and kept his composure even if he didn't want to talk about it. But it was far too late to be childish.

"Do you want to forget?".

Suguru frowned. "Forget what?".

Satoru looked away, uncertainty was clear on his face. He hesitated before saying, "When I become a God, I'll be able to... Make you forget me."

Suguru's breath hitched.

"It could be easier", Satoru explained although Suguru listened with deaf ears. "You won't have to... Suffer. Won't have to miss me. We-".

"How could you think that?", Suguru asked with a small voice, there was no anger in it, even if there could've been, all was replaced by the pain he felt. "How could you think I'd want to forget us?".

Satoru looked pained, he bit his bottom lip. "I want you to be happy".

"Too late".

"That's why I'm offering you to forget, Suguru".

Suguru straightened up, he felt defeated, as if all of his energy was sucked out of him. "You don't understand, Satoru. I would feel even worse if I forgot you. I'll miss you, I'll miss you so so much, until the day I die but... But forgetting you would be even worse than death".

Satoru's eyes widened, stunned. He almost spoke but closed his mouth. "Okay. Okay I'm sorry", he raised up and hugged Suguru, lowering him onto his chest. "I'm sorry".

Suguru nuzzled his neck, savoring the moment, wondering what he would feel when he'll smell Satoru's scent for the last time.

"Sometimes I wish I could just swallow your heart", Suguru rasped. "So you'd live inside me forever".

Satoru didn't say anything before kissing his temple. "Rest", and then, "I'll be here when you wake up".

Suguru fell asleep, his head resting softly against Satoru's heart, for one moment he could imagine that the heartbeats he was hearing were Satoru's but it was just his own echoing.

The 23rd of December was a cold day, snow falling down the white cloudy sky with a freezing negative temperature. Satoru was next to him, his head resting on Suguru's shoulder as he was lulled by the train driving through the cities. Satoru had been feeling more tired lately, perhaps his body was already preparing to its finality. Suguru held onto Satoru's hand, transferring his warmth to Satoru's cold hand. The boy softly nudged before opening his eyes.

"Are we there yet?", he asked, yawning.

Suguru smiled. "Almost".

Ten minutes later and the robotic voice announced they'd arrived in Okinawa. The two boys took back their bags and left, hand in hand.

"Let's go to the beach first!", Satoru declared, having found renewed energy after his nap.

"We can go wherever you want to", Suguru spoke back.

Satoru raised his eyebrow, "Even if I want to stay in all day with you?", his hand wrapped itself around Suguru's waist. "Do naughty things with you?", he gently bit Suguru's earlob.

The boy blushed, "Whatever you want Satoru".

Satoru smiled. "Let's go".

They went to the beach, snow was covering the sand, leaving their footprints behind. Suguru wondered if they'd still be here by tomorrow. Probably not. They were practically the only ones on the beach, except for a family walking their dog.

"He looks just like you, Satoru", Suguru teased as he looked at the white fluffy dog.

"What?! I don't look like that!", the white-haired boy exclaimed, a pout forming.

Suguru giggled. "Yes you do", he licked his frostbitten lips, "Maybe I should get a dog after today".

"You can't replace me with this...".

Suguru hummed, continuing to walk.

"But it's fine if...", Satoru hesitated. "It's fine if you want to date someone else after...".

"I won't", Suguru affirmed, not letting the boy finish his sentence.

Satoru's cheeks reddened, he gently caressed Suguru's hand.

"Does that make me a bad person if I'm happy you won't?".

"No", Suguru replied with certainty. "But I don't want you to date other Gods either!".

Satoru barked a laugh. "How do you know I'll even meet them?".

"Well if you do, now you know".

Satoru kissed his cheek. "Of course I won't, I'll wait for you".

"Yeah?", Suguru smiled. "You'll love me even when I'm old and wrinkly?".

"Of course", Satoru answered, "Every version of Suguru is perfect".

The two boys spent the afternoon visiting the city, buying souvenirs, testing new icecreams, per Satoru's begging and taking pictures every time they did something. When they arrived at their hotel room, the sun was already set and Suguru looked at the black sky with the heaviness of his own emotions. He strayed his gaze away as he heard Satoru's body plopping down onto the bed.

"Tired?", he asked, walking to bed and lying next to the boy.

"Yeah...".

Satoru's eye-bags were deep, Suguru wanted to kiss them away.

"You should sleep", he whispered.

"Don't want to".

Suguru bit his bottom lip until it felt like he could draw blood, his eyes began to sting, a knot forming inside his heart. "I can sleep with you".

Satoru nodded and Suguru placed his head on his chest. Satoru wrapped his free arms around him. "I have so many things I have to say but I'm so tired", the blue-eyed boy muttered.

At this moment, Suguru wished he could freeze time.

"It's okay", he answered, noticing free tears had fallen down his cheeks. "You'll tell me about them when we meet again".

Satoru hummed, tightening his hold over the boy. Suguru fell asleep, his nose nuzzled in Satoru's neck, the scent of soft strawberries enveloping him.

When Suguru woke up on the 24th of December, there was no one next to him.

The comforting weight of Satoru was gone, only his scent lingered in the air and Suguru grasped the boy's clothes, engulfing himself in them. Satoru has shed his humanity like the shell of a cicada nymph, and what had emerged was no longer human.

Suguru had imagined this moment over and over again, in dreams and in nightmares and was now forced to face it in his reality. He imagined numerous scenarios, one where he'd cry and sob until his voice broke. One where he'd be so angry, he'd smash all of the furniture in the room. One where he'd beg the sky to take him with him. One where he'd leave all of his life behind. One where he'd jump off the tall building, breaking bones on the pavement, his blood splattering all over the ground.

In his reality, Suguru did none of those things. He breathed in Satoru's clothes until he almost choked, until the hours passed and the only thing he could smell was Satoru, Satoru, Satoru.

"Satoru...", he whispered, voice feeling strange after being unused for so long.

A hit of sun-ray slowly hit Suguru's face and the boy moved, still holding onto Satoru's clothes tight. He opened the glass door, entering the balcony, uncaring about the coldness of winter. The sun was rising in a warm color, his heat slowly melting the snow away.

"Told you", he whispered, barely able to hear himself.

Maybe he was about to cry after all.

"Everything beautiful died with you, Satoru".