Archive of Our Own

Never catch Eddie Diaz saying he needs someone to keep him warm at night. He’s not ready to admit it, despite his efforts in How to Stop Repressing Your Feelings 101 with Frank. At this rate, Frank will be collecting the entire 118 in his therapy roster like a Pokedex. Eddie’s a millennial, he knows what Pokemon is (sort of).

The reason why he can’t admit he needs someone to keep him warm at night is the same reason why he can’t admit that it’s a man he needs. Not just any man. But Evan Buckley.

Yeah, Eddie’s also coming to terms with being gay and being in love with his best friend.

It was inevitable at this point. Buck is so intrinsically entwined with his life that Eddie can’t imagine it without him. They are quite literally BuckandEddie, forever living in each other’s pockets, tying their red strings of fate in one giant knot. It would be a cruel life if they were to be separated.

Besides his pining so intense (he’s surprised nobody’s noticed), Buck and the others have been extremely supportive of his late-in-life coming out. Hen even offered to get him an obnoxious cake with rainbows and sparklers and Eddie’s flattered, really, but he’s not one for giant announcements, less so on a cake. So there’s a cookout at Bobby and Athena’s instead, masking the true reason for its occasion.

So here he is, nursing a beer in the backyard, watching Buck attempt and fail to distract Chris and Denny from their Nintendo Switches, and he tries not to let his heart bleed out of his chest when Buck pouts like a puppy ignored by his owner. So he calls him over, like any friend would do, and scooches to offer the seat next to him on the rattan couch. There’s a beer waiting for him on the coffee table in front, ‘cause, you know, that’s just something you do for your best friend.

But Buck is smiling and thanking him and Eddie just stares at him while his throat works through a swallow. If he stares hard enough, will Buck know just how much Eddie feels for him? Will he see the affection dropped to his feet like a cat presenting a rat it found in the street? Eddie averts his eyes before Buck catches him looking, laying back on Athena’s prized outdoor pillow collection as he not-quite relaxes into the wave of love and acceptance from his teammates. He tries not to let his mood sour thinking about how much more perfect it would be if he could wrap his arm around Buck’s broad shoulders and pull him close enough to see if the theory about atoms colliding really is true.

Eddie works hard to make the space between his ribs a home. A home for Chris and now a home for Buck.

“Welcome to the queer club, Eddie,” says Hen, obviously drunk and obviously comfortable enough to out him now that it’s down to their core group. Bobby’s happy whistles carry through the yard as he washes dishes, Athena humming to Marvin Gaye in the living room. Jee Yun is tuckered out between Chimney and Maddie, locked in a hushed conversation with Karen, cradling her and Hen’s infant daughter in her arms.

“Isn’t it just you and Karen?” Eddie asks, clearly dense as fuck if he didn’t notice anyone else on the team being a little fruity.

Instead of an answer, Hen just snickers, putting a finger over her lips and obnoxiously shushing, throwing in a wink that’s really more of a blink and plasters herself over Karen, planting a kiss on the top of her head, twirling a loc between her fingers. Karen just sighs and pats her wife’s arm with her free hand.

Chimney, now alert to the conversation, switches his attention to Eddie, leaning on his forearms like he’s about to tell him some deep secret. “My wife is bi and while I would absolutely love to be part of the gay agenda, I am unfortunately painfully straight.”

“Really?” Eyebrows raised, Eddie glances at Maddie, who offers him a sheepish smile and a shrug. “How’d you figure that out, Chim?”

“Sex, mostly.” And Buck chokes on his beer beside him, coughing and hunching himself over to try to hide it.

“Really, Buckley?” Chimney crows. “I had to listen to your endless sexual exploits from Buck 1.0 so if this gets you clutching your pearls now, I don’t know what to think!”

Buck shakes his head and waves his hand frantically, gasping in failing breaths that Eddie has to smack his back. That finally does it, and Buck wheezes out an apology. “No, just— wrong pipe.”

Chimney looks unconvinced but lets it slide, leaving Buck and Eddie to their own devices. Buck eventually breathes easier, clearing his throat a couple times and waving off concerned looks. Funny for how big of a man that Buck is, he sure tries to make himself look small. It makes Eddie want to make him bigger, to lift him up and show him that he can take up space.

“Well, kudos to you for being open enough to figuring it out,” says Eddie, hoping to quell the oncoming storm. “I just wish it didn’t take me years of therapy to realize I was repressing a lot more than my emotions.”

Buck laughs, about to take another pull of beer but decides against it, letting it hang between his knees from his fingers. It should not look as hot as it does.

“Man, if I repressed my emotions like you did, I wouldn’t be the proud pansexual I am today,” he says, well, proudly.

“What’s pansexual?” Eddie asks immediately, his mind churning with visions of Buck drooling over pots and pans, which is seriously stupid of him. Hey, listen, he’s very new to this LGBT stuff so sue him if he’s not an expert on the melting pot of identities just yet. Oh, God, that pun is going to haunt him. “I thought you were bi, too.”

Ever eager to explain, Buck smiles, reshaping Eddie’s heart in the form of its curve. It’s a welcome distraction from the spiral of embarrassment he was about to embark on. “You’re not wrong to assume I’m bi but pan means I’m attracted to people, regardless of gender. It’s their spirit, not what’s in their pants.”

Eddie nods, not knowing what to do with this information. Up until now, he’d only seen Buck with girlfriends and Tommy, so of course he’d assume that Buck was bisexual. This changes things, or maybe it doesn’t. If Buck is attracted to all genders (wait, how many are there again?) then that means… he doesn’t want to think about it, is what it means.

“I didn’t know,” he says softly, picking at the label of his beer bottle. “But I appreciate you telling me without judgement. All of you, really. And for being patient with me,” he adds.

“Always,” says Buck with such sincerity, it catches Eddie even more off-guard. “And hey, if you have any questions about being with a guy, let me know. I’m happy to help.”

“He really is,” mutters Chimney, who gets his ear flicked by Maddie.

It’s now Eddie’s turn to choke, but on his own spit, like an absolute fucking idiot. Thankfully, it’s not as dramatic as Buck but it still catches his attention, even as Eddie tries to mask it with a cough. Thankfully, it seems that Buck didn’t hear Chimney’s comment because he just pats Eddie’s back without a word.

“Do I need to start packing cough drops?” Karen teases. Now everyone is part of the conversation. Even Bobby’s stopped whistling and Athena’s taken her place at the outdoor dining table with a glass of white wine.

It’s a nice reprieve as everyone around him laughs, the support like a lingering group hug. It warms him to his bones like his abuela’s Caldo de Pollo.

——

Despite living in a warm climate like LA, it does not exempt one from winter’s chill. The pacific side of North America is warm most of the time, sure, with rains aplenty, the Santa Anas winds, and the earthquakes (big or small) but compared to Texas’ constant dry heat, Eddie wasn’t prepared for how humid and wet LA is. Four years later and he’s still not used to it. Winters in El Paso were cooler, sure, but not fucking cold.

He’s begun to indulge in hoodies, snuggling into the fleece and cotton underneath the covers on particularly cold and windy nights. It’s only then does he feel the gaping maw of his yearning for someone else to hold him.

Whenever Buck stays over, Eddie’s tempted to invite him up to share the bed, to hold him close and never let go. The couch must be uncomfortable after all the times Buck has crashed on it, carrying snores to the other room, much to the complaint then quick forgiveness of Chris after Buck makes him pancakes or waffles or whatever sweet treat Eddie doesn’t usually allow for breakfast. Buck spoils that kid, and much like a cavity, it burrows into his bones and leaves a painful hole. If Buck were to fill in the aching spaces, Eddie would happily welcome said cavities. But Buck can only fill so much without Eddie’s selfishness getting in the way.

He can’t let Buck see how much he wants, how much he craves to belong to someone like Evan Buckley. If he were a braver man, he’d ask Buck to stay, to see if it’s really worth possibly ruining one of the best friendships he’s ever had. He can’t do that to Buck, or himself. It would shatter him.

So he smiles anyway, ignoring the black hole in his chest every time Buck goes back home. A home, he might mention, that doesn’t feel very lived-in. Honestly, he spends so much more time at Eddie’s than his own apartment that now there’s a spare toothbrush in the bathroom and a dedicated hamper in the living room for extra clothes. There’s even pictures on Eddie’s fridge of just Buck and Christopher at the zoo, at the museum, at the beach. Just. So many.

Eddie’s staring into the hamper now. Buck had taken all his clothes to get them washed but had forgotten his hoodie at the bottom. To be fair, he did run out of Eddie’s house in a rush so it may have just been absentminded but still. It’s a large piece of clothing, hard to miss. It’s fine, Eddie will wash it along with his laundry and return it to Buck either at the station or when he comes over again.

He holds the fabric in his hands, feels the weight of it, the warmth emanating from it as if Buck’s just taken it off. It’s the grey one, the one he wore in the hospital after the lightning strike, the one Eddie brought to him along with the matching sweatpants. Against his better judgement, Eddie brings it to his face and huffs in the scent.

It…it smells so good. Eddie’s toes curl, and he sniffs again, breathing it in like it’ll envelop him in one of those Buck hugs. Those tight, bone-crushing hugs that leave him breathless yet full of life. He sniffs and sniffs and sniffs like a hounddog ready to chase down its prey. He wants…God, he wants more than he’s ever wanted anything in his life.

If he can get through this one act, this one selfish act, then maybe it can soothe the itch of his yearning.

He puts on the hoodie.

It’s still warm, like he thought it was, loose around his shoulders and chest. It’s…he can’t even describe how he feels right now. He’s giddy and nervous and he feels 14 again when Shannon sprayed perfume on his baseball uniform. Eddie dips his head down so his nose hooks in the collar, Buck’s cologne and the faint hint of static stronger here. He’s so warm, the fleece inside a perfect fabric for the faint layer of chill resting in the base of his house.

Eddie’s never been more grateful that Chris is out of the house right now because he wraps his arms around himself, just breathing in the smell of Buck and picturing his warmth and how well he’d hold Eddie on those colder nights. He shakes with the wind, burying his face further, pulling the hood up over his head as if it’ll protect him from his own brain.

Can’t catch me, gay thoughts.

He snorts because he so wants to run from them. But he won’t. Frank told him to welcome the thoughts as they come, good or bad, and just let himself feel whatever comes up. Eddie, consistently uncomfortable in every situation, hates everything about it. He hates the burning sensation in his chest like some stupid form of heartburn, hates the nausea whenever he thinks about domesticity with Buck, hates the lurch in his throat preventing him from telling Buck I love you when he does something stupid.

It’s all just a little too much.

But not this. Not this hoodie wrapped around him like armour, like safety, like home.

Eddie doesn’t wash the hoodie.

Instead, he keeps it for a week, hiding it in the dregs of his drawers so Buck doesn’t see. Buck doesn’t ask, nor does he notice it’s missing. It’s a little odd but Eddie disregards it, pulling it out when Buck’s gone and Chris is in bed and all he can do is pretend.

He does return it eventually, when it no longer smells like Buck, and Eddie has to regretfully throw it in a load of laundry so it doesn’t smell like his own sweat with a hint of desperation.

“You left this here, by the way,” says Eddie, gesturing to the folded hoodie on the coffee table, trying painfully not to grieve its loss.

“Oh, thanks, man. I didn’t even realize it was gone.”

“It’s no problem.” And really, it isn’t. “You already have a hamper here.”

He wants to offer him a drawer, some closet space, anything. Buck takes the hoodie and shoves it in his duffle bag, and Eddie stares a hole into it. Buck claps his hands together, snapping Eddie out of it.

“So, what game did Chris pick out for tonight?”

When they finish another round of Mortal Kombat (the old one, since Buck was determined that Chris should know how to play), Buck cheers with his victory, large and boisterous and so very Buck, it makes Eddie’s chest burn. That kind of burn, the one that’s smokey and black, leaving soot in Eddie’s mouth.

Chris groans dramatically beside him, making a show of almost throwing his remote on the coffee table but doesn’t, knowing that Eddie would scold him for it.

Chris is almost always on his best behaviour, emphasis on almost, when Buck is around. Those two are like peas in a pod and separating them would be fatal for everyone involved. It’s partly why Eddie made Buck his legal guardian in the will, a gift for Buck for everything he’s done for him. He’s like a wholesome version of Rumplestiltskin except instead of stealing your firstborn, he gives his own firstborn to others, in a weird co-parenting sort of way. It’s not as weird as Eddie’s making it sound in his own head, okay?

And look, he didn’t realize his intense need to include Buck in every aspect of his life was really being in love with him but Eddie’s just going to have to live with that. Just like he has to live with the fact that Buck may or may not be capable of loving him back, and he doesn’t know which is worse.

Maybe he can take Buck up on his offer to educate him about being with another man. Maybe he’ll take it as an opportunity to flirt with Buck through the guise of practice. Yes, this is a great strategy. But Chris is in the room and although he’s the coolest kid ever and totally accepts Eddie coming out to him, he doesn’t need to witness Eddie’s very sad attempts at flirting, especially with his best Buck. So it’s fine. Eddie’s fine with waiting.

——

Spoiler alert: Eddie’s not fine with waiting.

It’s just so easy to slip up, to play on every word coming out of Buck’s mouth. Buck flirts like it’s breathing, so at ease with the world around him that Eddie is almost jealous of it. On calls, Eddie struggles to say anything other than the standard stuff: Let us do our job so we can help your friend, it’ll be okay, we’ve got you.

Buck, on the other hand, makes conversations, he relates to people, makes them feel safer than Eddie ever could. But he can get distracted, or get too wrapped up in the emotion and empathy that Eddie has to pull him away. It’s why they work so well together. Buck can make a mountain out of a molehill but it’s Eddie who grounds him to reality.

That’s for the hard calls. For the easy ones, Buck justs coasts on through, making light of odd situations, keeping everyone’s spirits lifted. While Eddie stays on the sidelines, keeping quiet, letting Buck shine brighter because he deserves it.

“You looked good out there, Buck,” he says when the engine parks in the station for the final leg of their shift. The blush on Buck’s face makes his blood sing, but his thoughts turn to static, the shaky feeling of doing something brave rattling up through his bones. He wants to throw up but his throat feels blocked by his own air.

God, how do people do this?

It only gets worse as time goes on, Eddie slipping little anecdotes about Buck’s physique, his cooking skills, his big heart, ignoring the curious looks he gets from Hen and Chimney and even Bobby and Chris as he figures out how to make his tongue stop feeling so heavy in his mouth every time he makes an effort to flirt with Buck. It’s taking a lot of energy but Eddie thinks he’s getting better at it.

It’s only when they’re on a rare separate shift that it fully becomes Eddie’s problem. He’s cornered by Hen and Chimney of all people, both of them so nosy and fully involved in everyone’s business.

“Hey guys.” He tries for casual, busying his hands with washing the dishes from lunch. He knows it definitely doesn’t come across that way, recognizing the regression of his posture to his default soldier stiffness.

“Don’t ‘hey guys’ us,” says Chimney, snapping his gum with a loud crack. Eddie hopes he didn’t flinch. “We noticed you’re a little chummier than usual with your ol’ pal Buckley. Care to explain?”

“There’s nothing to explain,” he mutters defensively, hackles raised like a feral cat. “I’m just trying to be more open with my feelings. Frank’s advice.” It’s a piss-poor excuse but he’s sticking with it. “So you can corner Frank the next time he’s alone.”

“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter, Diaz,” Chim scoffs. “We can all see those goo-goo eyes from miles away.”

“It was cute for a while,” Hen continues. “But when are you going to put on your big girl pants and ask him out?”

Eddie responds in a resigned sigh, staring at both of them with a raised eyebrow and his mouth set in a line. If it wasn’t obvious by now that Eddie is a master of hiding every emotion under the sun, he’s not sure they know him at all. Sure enough, their twin looks of disappointment speak volumes.

“As much as I’d love to,” he starts slowly. “I think I’d burst into flames due to sheer embarrassment. Remember what I said last year about feeling the need to perform?” He gets twin nods in response. “Yeah, I don’t want that with Buck. So, please, let me take my time getting used to the idea that I’m in love with him before I jump into something I’m not ready for. Chimney, you should know what I’m talking about.”

Chimney whistles. “Touché.”

“Okay,” Hen raises her hands in defense, but the intent is more like a white flag. “You do you, boo.” Eddie nods, happy she’s let it go, at least for now. “But if you need help, we’re here. You know that, right? We just wanna see you happy.”

Eddie flushes. “I know. Thank you.”

Having a slow shift is nice for the most part but it does leave Eddie with a lot of thinking. He’d gotten a text from Buck earlier of him and Christopher at the aquarium with a photo of Chris and a couple of his friends making faces at the sharks. It’s nice to see that Chris, even with his pre-teen attitude, still likes to spend time with Buck.

His thinking extends to daydreaming, which is new for him. In the army, that was never a luxury he could afford. He daydreams about a future with Buck, with Chris, with the 118 in one big happy family. It makes him ache in places he didn’t know he could. Phantom sensations of arms wrapped around his waist and a mouth against his shoulder and gentle words in his ear. It’s not… it’s not sexual in nature or anything (though, yes, he does have those thoughts). He just wants to be held sometimes.

Eddie wants to feel soft. He’s so rigid and hypervigilant all the time. Taking care of others like it’s his second nature but when is it his turn to be taken care of? Can he be allowed to just exist?

Okay, woah, that’s a bit too existential for his liking. This is why he doesn’t go into his lockbox of emotions outside of therapy.

Thankfully, and much to Chimney’s dismay, who was napping on the couch, the bell rings with a minor collision on the i5. It’s just traffic control, no major injuries or deaths reported, and Hen steps in as the interim captain while it’s Bobby’s day off. She’s good at it, stepping into a role it seems like she was born to do. She delegates the team effectively, Eddie taking whatever task she gives him with vigor, his brain taking the out to stop thinking for a little while. It takes a couple hours, which is good for him, maybe not so good for the residents of LA. However, at two in the morning, it’s really the only time for it, the city at its quietest. Though, really, when is LA ever quiet?

LAPD gets called to arrest the offenders, who apparently decided a race on one of LA’s biggest freeways was a good idea. Rodriguez is on duty tonight, and he and Eddie share twin looks of disappointment before he puts the idiots in the back of his cruiser. Their cars are totaled which is a miracle considering no one got seriously hurt besides some minor scrapes and bruises. Nothing to go to the hospital about. They’d be lucky to get off with a misdemeanor and an insane amount of insurance costs.

Back in the engine, Eddie thinks about El Paso, how quiet it can get even in broad daylight. The noise from LA feels like a constant, like white noise flooding his thoughts so that they don’t seep through his poor defenses. Defenses, he might add, Buck has jumped over, phased, or snuck through the back door. It’s Buck who burrows himself in Eddie’s brain, Buck who sees all of Eddie’s gaping wounds and heals them even if unintentional.

He doesn’t panic when he thinks about a future with Buck. Not like Ana, not like Marisol, and not like Shannon. Shannon, who’d laugh at his stupidity if she was watching (if Eddie even believed in that kind of thing). Shannon, who up until she left and before he met Buck, had been his best friend.

He should visit Shannon.

He hates himself for how long it’s been. Sure, he takes Chris every couple of weeks and every time he asks but Eddie doesn’t really make an effort to see her himself. Guilt crawls up his spine every time he thinks about her, every time his brain reminds him that he’s forgotten about her. He thinks she’d like Buck, that they’d even get along if they had more time. What if they had gone through with the divorce? Would she and Eddie still be friends? Would Eddie still be hung up on the relationship they never had? Would he even realize he was gay?

He can’t think about that anymore. Shannon’s gone, and there will always be the hole she left in his heart. Buck is slowly filling that void little by little, almost like Shannon’s making space for him. Like she’s offering him a seat at the table to witness Eddie floundering about in a morbid bouncy castle in the shape of his fluttering heart.

The thought lingers as they head back to the station, their shift pretty much over by now. The sun rises slow over LA, casting the horizon in hues of pinks, yellows, and blues. Bobby will probably already be at the station, filtering through paperwork while waiting to talk to Hen for a debrief of her first official shift as interim captain. Eddie never thought he’d see the day when Cap would retire but he also thought the same about Athena, and even she’s given it some thought. After their cruise, well, that’s enough to leave them thinking about their future for a while.

Buck is also probably early, and he probably brought Chris along with breakfast. Eddie almost wants to cry at how considerate Buck is. It’s not like he expects it or anything but Buck is consistent, going out of his way to take care of Eddie. How can anyone not fall in love with him?

It’s almost unfair how his ex-girlfriends would treat him. Like he was too much, like he wasn’t enough. A walking contradiction of excuses they’d make to keep Buck spiraling. It’s just… how can they not see how much love he puts into everything? Eddie wants to be brave enough to show him just how much he values him. But he’s not brave enough. He’s walked through deserts, gunfire, tsunamis, an earthquake, and literal fire but he can’t be brave enough to tell Buck he loves him.

But when Buck is there, all his worries melt away. As long as he has Buck, he’s okay. A small part of him is happy that Buck’s previous relationships didn’t work out, even with Tommy, who seemed like he was a good fit for him. If Buck finds that someone again, then Eddie can live with it. He can live with the fact that Buck won’t belong to him, but at least he can belong with Christopher, and then Eddie can take this pseudo-family as it stands right now. That’s all that matters. He’ll have Buck anyways.

The engine pulls into the station, beeping steadily as it backs up into the threshold. Eddie doesn’t even want to look to see if Buck is really there, but he goes through the end of his shift duties methodically, packing away his turnout gear and whatever items they need to check over before handing the reins over.

Sure enough, Buck’s voice rings through like the bells of the old church he used to attend in El Paso. Familiar and damning all at once. Pushing back the soft thoughts that have plagued him these past twelve hours, Eddie puts on his smile and beelines for Chris, arms spread wide in a hug that Chris vehemently protests. Of course Eddie’s going to respect Chris’s boundaries, so he pulls away immediately and offers a fist bump instead.

It gets him kudos in the dad department, so he steals a moment to look up at Buck, who has the fondest look in his eyes. Eddie almost falls over from the sheer weight of it. Since when did Buck look at him like that?

His heart beats wildly, slamming against the prison bars of his ribs. He’s pretty sure he looks like a deer in the headlights, because Buck suddenly schools his features back to normal, his eyes no longer droopy and wide and so blue. Did Eddie imagine it? He couldn’t have.

“Good shift?” Buck asks him, casual and nonchalant.

Eddie blinks in quick succession, almost like he’s rebooting. “Nothing crazy, honestly. I’m almost tempted to use the q word.”

Buck gasps dramatically. “You would never!”

Eddie chuckles and shakes his head, easing back into the familiarity of their banter. “I could never do that to Bobby.” He turns to Chris. “Alright, bud, let’s get you to school.”

“Buck got you breakfast,” he says. “It’s in the car.”

“Gonna have to knock a few dollars off that tip for the delivery service, Buck,” Eddie teases, to which Buck turns red and sheepish and absolutely adorable. “Thank you, though,” he lowers his voice, making sure that Buck is the only one who will hear. “I appreciate it more than you know.”

Buck beams like rays of sunshine. “It’s nothing, man.” He shrugs, offering a fist bump for Chris as well. “I’ll see you later, yeah?”

He nods, waving at Buck who runs to the locker room with the B shift. “I’ll pick you up!”

That’s another thing about them that makes them so intricately connected with one another. If they split a shift, they share a car, either one taking Chris to school or to whatever extra-curricular strikes his fancy. Carla’s usually available for their joint shifts but it’s these moments that drive home the point that Buck is a part of the Diaz family now.

They share grocery lists and chores and errands and whatever else keeps them attached at the hip. It’s why strangers think they’re together - minus the rings. They don’t even date anymore. Which is why Eddie is finding it increasingly more difficult to reason with the part of him that says that Buck might like him back.

He confesses to Shannon that afternoon. The bench is warm from the sun, the tree now giving nice shade as he sits, his leg bouncing with nerves. He chokes out an apology about repressing so much during their marriage and wishes she didn’t have to leave him alone. Again, Eddie doesn’t believe in the afterlife but he swears he can feel her sitting beside him, as strong and supportive as ever in the early stages of their relationship.

He spills out everything that’s been on his mind lately, and feels better for it when he’s done. Like he’s relinquished the weight on his chest and let it fly away with the leaves when the wind decides to pick up. He thanks Shannon one more time and strokes her headstone lovingly, promising to visit again, but he knows he won’t be back alone for a while yet.

That night, after Buck’s shift, Eddie picks him up along with Chris and they go out to dinner. Like a family. And the question that’s been stewing in Eddie’s brain for the past twelve hours (and indefinitely) has seemingly made its way to the forefront, begging to be asked.

“Your lease is up next month, right?” he asks by way of casual conversation, as if anything they do is casual anymore.

“Mhm,” Buck hums in confirmation, slurping down a mouthful of Pad Thai. “They’re upping my rent again.”

Oof. The grimace Eddie makes is definitely not unwarranted, given how shit the rent control in LA is. “Are you gonna renew or look for a new place?”

“I’ve been kinda thinking about it. I mean, the loft has been my home for the past, like, four years and it’s not like I can’t afford the increase but…” he sighs, like the decision’s been weighing on him. “Do you think it’s time for me to buy a house?”

That…was not a question Eddie was expecting. He raises his eyebrows as Buck takes a sip of water. “Do you think you have the funds for it?”

Eddie certainly didn’t. The army only paid for so much but now Eddie has to keep up the mortgage, which is just as much as regular rent in LA. But, he owns it, which is more than he can say for the rest of the population.

“My parent’s trust fund, remember?” Buck grins. “I just have to withdraw for a down payment and all that.”

Eddie is going to do something very, very stupid. What he really wants to do is encourage Buck to go venture into buying his own house. Home ownership is very satisfying once you get past all the crap that comes into figuring out how much you’ll realistically be paying every month and not having to worry about shitty landlords or unexpected rent increases. What comes out of his mouth instead is, “Why don’t you just move in with me?”

His brain doesn’t even catch up with his mouth until it’s too late. Both Buck and Chris are silent, Buck’s hand paused halfway between his plate and his mouth, Chris’ chopsticks mid-stab in his Pad See Ew.

“You…want me to move in with you?” Buck asks slowly. “With Chris?”

Chris gasps with a shrill sound, much too excitedly for a public restaurant. “Really?!”

He turns to his father, whose stomach has decided to lodge itself in his throat. Eddie nods, painfully, then swallows down the twinge of regret and guilt threatening to spew all over the table.

“It makes sense,” he rushes out too quickly before Buck can get a word in. “You spend most of your time at ours and I have a spare bedroom that never gets used so…what do you say?” It’s another offering, another gift in the most unconventional way possible.

Leave it to Eddie Diaz to ask the best friend he’s in love with to move in with him before he tells him he loves him.

The answering smile he gets in return is like a lighthouse in a hurricane. “Let’s do it!”

——

Buck has to sell a lot of his furniture when he moves into Eddie’s. At least there’s no couch, Natalia having taken the last one with her when she and Buck split up last year (and he had never bought another one since, even when he and Tommy were dating). But Eddie makes him take the dining table because he likes it more than his and the bar stools work better with the Diaz House Aesthetic so really, it’s a win-win situation for them both. Chris is absolutely delighted with his new roommate, but the excitement is short-lived now that Chris can’t escape to Buck’s place whenever he and Eddie get into it.

Overall, it’s nice. Eddie and Buck share a wall now and it seems like Buck has lived there the whole time, fitting the way he always has. Now Eddie has to cope with the fact that he still can’t touch Buck the way he wants to.

There are moments, though. The quiet ones when Chris is out to the movies with his friends and they’re having their own movie night, a popcorn bowl nudged between them, knuckles brushing with every handful. It’s maddening, Eddie’s skin twitching with every phantom sensation he wants Buck to give him, even if it’s just to remove the popcorn bowl and sit thigh to thigh. Then Eddie’s cold bucket of reality drenches him and the moment is over, just waiting to resurface when an opportunity presents itself.

The team is acting totally normal about Buck’s new residence. Which is to say, completely not normal. He’s done a pretty good job of avoiding them so far since he’s been keeping himself attached to Buck the entire time but when Eddie finds himself a free day when Buck is at Maddie and Chim’s to babysit his niece, Hen arrives at his doorstep with Denny in tow.

She’s smart, he’ll give him that. It’s not like he hasn’t used his child to get what he wants. Look at what he did to Buck after he’d been moping in his apartment after the truck fell on his leg. Granted, the tsunami came right after but still. Hen smiles like she knows exactly what’s going through his head, and he sighs with resignation, opening his doors to which Denny bolts through to get to Christopher, yelling about a new video game they need to play.

“Is Buck home?” she asks with a shit-eating grin.

“I think we both know the answer to that question.”

She laughs, nudging past him to head towards the kitchen. “Chim and Maddie should be here in a bit.”

Eddie frowns, the gears turning in his head. “Did you— did you three set this up to get Buck out of the house?”

These crafty fuckers. Eddie can’t even fully be mad at them because that’s smart. So damn smart, he hates it. Oh, God, he’s really in for it this time.

“Do you have any other booze besides the crappy beer you and Buck get?” she calls out, completely bypassing his questions. He sighs and shuts the door, leaving it unlocked.

“In the liquor cabinet in the dining room,” he replies, knowing he’s in for a long night.

Chim and Maddie don’t take too long to arrive, Hen and Eddie having gone through only one gin and tonic each. Eddie makes them all another round, slightly bitter that they’re the ones drinking his booze and staging some sort of weird intervention.

“You guys have a weird way of spending your date nights,” he observes, handing them each a drink from where they’ve settled themselves on Eddie’s couch. Eddie takes the armchair across Hen.

“This is better than any movie in theatres right now.” Chim grins, toasting his glass to Hen. “And Maddie wanted to be involved.”

Maddie looks absolutely not guilty, but gives a shrug anyway, and Eddie can’t find himself to be mad at her, considering she’ll be his future sister-in-law. Hopefully. Maybe. Someday.

“It’s my brother’s love life we’re talking about. Of course I want to be involved.”

Eddie feels like a petulant child right now. Small and scolded. “Lay it on me,” he says, biting the bullet.

“So you two are…roommates.” Maddie’s the first one to break the silence.

Hackles raised, Eddie shifts in his seat. “Yes,” he grinds out. Then before anyone can ask another question, he adds, “we’re not dating if that’s what you all came here for.”

“That’s exactly what we came here for,” says Hen. “Since when did you become a U-Haul lesbian, Diaz?”

“Since…” he draws out, crossing his arms over his chest. He doesn’t even have a good comeback to that. Oh, God, is he really a U-Haul lesbian? “Look, it just happened. Buck’s lease was coming up and you all know he spends most of his time here anyway, so…”

“So…you just decided to go for it?” Chimney interjects. “First, you baby trap the man and now you’ve made a housewife out of him. What’s next, shared bank accounts before you say I do?”

“What do you want me to say, Chim? That I’m a dumbass who can’t tell his best friend he’s in love with him?”

“I want you to take your own advice, dumbass.” The exasperated expression is not lost on Eddie. “You said to me once that tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. Especially at the rate you and Buck keep almost dying. So just go for it, like you did when you asked him to move in.”

Eddie can’t even argue against that, gnawing his bottom lip between his teeth. “What if he doesn’t like me like that?”

“What if he does?” Hen encourages.

Once again, Eddie is stunned into silence. Even now as his friends rib him for a bit and raid his liquor cabinet, Eddie stays closed-lipped, elbows on his knees, hands propping his chin up, silent. The thought of being with Buck in the official way settles into his bones like molasses.

When the night wanes and conversation dims, it’s time for everyone to go home. Chim expresses that he’s left Buck with Jee-Yun for too long and Hen says that Karen’s on her way to pick her and Denny up. Like the good friends they are, they help Eddie clean up, talking in hushed and teasing tones until Eddie’s house is left cleaner than when they arrived.

Hen and Denny get picked up, Chris sleepily waving Denny goodbye before shuffling back to his room. Chim starts the car and Maddie lingers in the doorway as she puts her shoes back on.

“For the record,” she mutters into his ear after drawing him into a hug. “I’m almost one hundred percent sure Buck feels the same way. Don’t hurt him.”

And before Eddie can give a response, she leaves with a warm smile, shutting the door behind her. In complete shock, Eddie just stares, his brain swimming. For Maddie to say that, well, that just basically confirms her blessing.

Now Eddie starts raking through his brain about all the moments he suspected that Buck might return his feelings. There’s…a lot. Especially the conversation about going for the title. It makes him dizzy, and he stumbles back through the living room to his couch, where he promptly stays for the next half hour until Buck comes home.

Home. Their home. The one that Eddie offered him. The home he’s been staying in for the past month.

He hears Buck’s key through the lock, hears him open the door, take off his shoes, put his keys away, go through the kitchen, get a glass of water, drink it, put it in the dishwasher, type on his phone. All Eddie can do is sit there and listen.

His heart pounds in his chest, fingers and toes tingling, throat closing. If Buck circles around to the living room, Eddie doesn’t know if he’ll be even able to say anything.

“Hey.”

It’s quiet, whispered, but Eddie hears it loud and clear. He looks up. Buck is leaning against the frame, arms crossed, soft smile.

“Hey,” Eddie croaks, then clears his throat. “How was Jee?”

“Good. She was asleep the whole time so I just raided their fridge and watched Top Gun.”

His mind is so far off into space, he thinks he’s reached Pluto by now. “Good. That’s good.”

“How was your night?” Buck is next to him on the couch now. Eddie didn’t even notice him move.

“It was good. Hen and Denny came over.” He debates if he should tell him about the others. “Chim and Maddie were here too.” Well, so much for his mouth paying attention.

Buck frowns, creasing his birthmark, and Eddie wants to kiss it so bad. “They were?”

“Yeah, I was surprised too.”

“Weird place to spend a date night but okay.” Buck shrugs and if only he knew why.

You could tell him.

He could. He really really could.

“They ambushed me,” Eddie breathes out. He is definitely tipsy, he realizes. Not drunk, just tipsy, but drunk enough to have no battering ram shoving all those little things he’s wanted to say to Buck since he realized his feelings. This is why he doesn’t drink hard liquor anymore.

“Ambushed you?” Now Buck’s frowning even deeper, making his birthmark look like one pink blob. Adorable. Now he really wants to kiss it.

Eddie nods, his head feeling heavy. “Yeah, Hen brought Denny over so I couldn’t say no. And then Chim and Maddie came and we started drinking and talking and they left and now I have been left alone with my own thoughts for too long now.”

Buck laughs. “Uh oh. Should I be worried?”

“Maybe?” The pitch in Eddie’s tone barely masks him choking up a little. Fuck, is he really about to cry?

Buck obviously notices. “Are you okay?”

Eddie blinks rapidly. “I don’t know. I—” he heaves in a big breath, words failing him again.

“That’s okay. You don't always need a reason.” He’s so gentle when he says it, too. Like Eddie is about to break down again. “Was it a productive talk?”

This is the moment that Eddie looks Buck in the eye. Really looks at him. Buck’s baby blues are overwhelming, like pools he can drown in. “Yeah,” he chokes out, his eyes watering so much, a stray tear slides down his cheek. “Yeah, it was.”

Another deep breath, then, “You’re my best friend, Buck, you know that right?”

Buck’s eyes soften. “Yeah, of course.”

“And you know how much I…” he swallows, a pit in his stomach opening up. Eddie stands on the cliff’s edge, staring into the chasm. “How much I value and cherish you as a person.”

“Where are you going with this, Eds?”

The wind at his back threatens to tip him over. “Just— just let me get this out before I repress it again.” Buck lets him. Eddie breathes again, letting his gaze fall to the floor. If he keeps looking at Buck, he thinks he might turn into an oyster. “I…like you. More than what is normally considered for a best friend. I look at you and I ache, Buck. I— you make me feel alive and tortured all at once and I just want to curl up at your feet if only to stay there by your side.” He’s back to looking at Buck now, but focuses on different things. The slope of his nose, the curls fighting their way out of the hair gel, his birthmark.

Eddie wants to gasp for air but his lungs feel like they’ve been shackled with iron, his heart thumping a steady drum rhythm as if he’s headed for the gallows. There’s a noose around his neck, the chasm gaping wider, the wind howling in his ears. He inhales hard through his nose and exhales even harder. And again. And again. The chasm grows smaller.

He can be brave. “I would worship the ground you walk on. Follow you into hell, I would make myself mute if it meant I could hear you talk forever.”

Look, Eddie’s never been a poetry guy but clearly his secret poet self took the reins and is riding him hard. All Eddie can process is Buck’s steady breathing as his vision blurs with more threatened tears.

“I want,” he continues, fully invested, whether he wants to be or not. “I want you.” He’d enlist again if it meant he’d never do this kind of quarter-drunk poetic love confession ever again. He’d rather face a battalion of gunfire than to strip his heart bare and put it on display. “I want you badly enough that it breaks me every time I think about it. And…I didn’t know how else to tell you without ruining everything. But, God, Buck—Evan— I want.”

The silence that follows is deafening. Eddie wants to crawl into himself and turn inside out. It’s all out there. Every terrifying feeling of love and selfishness has been spewed into Buck’s lap. There’s no way they can come back from this.

When it goes too long, Eddie swallows the lump in his throat. “Buck?”

“Yeah.” His voice is hoarse, small, quiet. Eddie’s sure he’s ruined everything now.

“I’m sorry,” he starts, ready to start erasing everything on the chalkboard.

Buck reaches forward and takes Eddie’s shaking hand in his own. “What are you sorry for?”

“I— uh—”

“Can you give me a minute to first of all, process all those words—beautiful words—and two, formulate a response because my brain is spinning. Okay?” He shakes Eddie’s hand to solidify his point, to which Eddie just nods, afraid to speak again.

“Honestly, Eds, I thought we were just doing our thing,” he confesses, and Eddie frowns, opens his mouth to protest but the look on Buck’s face makes him close it. “I mean, more than just our thing. I thought you just needed time, I was just waiting on your call. I’m comfortable either way.”

And what can Eddie even say to that?

“Like, ever since Tommy, who, honestly, could see right through me and then you broke up with Marisol forever ago and then, for the past few weeks, since you came out, you’ve been…I don’t know, different. In a good way, though,” he continues. “I really thought you were exploring what we had,” he waves his free hand between them, “and I was fine with letting you do that.”

He pauses, rubbing his lips back and forth between his teeth. “Don’t get me wrong, I want you too. A lot.”

“Oh,” Eddie exhales, tingles going up his legs.

Buck smiles crookedly, eyes boring into his soul. “Yeah, oh,” he jokes, all soft and gentle. “I thought it was pretty clear, at least to me, that we were attracted to each other. I was just waiting for you.”

Eddie wants to cry.

“I’ll always wait for you.” Buck says it like a prayer, like he’s reciting holy scripture written in the stars. Again, Eddie’s not religious but Abuela's many attempts at bringing him to church is not lost on him even now.

Eddie shakes as he asks, he’s sure Buck can feel it where his hand still lays between Buck’s warm palms. “Can I kiss you?”

Instead of an answer, Buck scoots in closer and leans in, and what else can Eddie do but to close the distance?

It feels different, kissing a man. Where women are soft, Buck is…well, he’s still soft but there’s a hard chin pressing into his own and bristles of a five o’clock shadow tickling his cheeks. Buck moans low in his throat, the sound shooting down Eddie’s spine with a thrill. Their lips start moving of their own accord and Eddie finds himself tilting his head back and forth to map out every angle of Buck’s mouth and commit it to memory.

Eddie still shakes, tremors going through his entire body, but Buck is steady, releasing Eddie’s hand and grabbing his shoulders instead, then one hand moves to his neck, thumb brushing against Eddie’s collarbone. Suddenly, Eddie’s reminded of the many times he’s done this to Buck and wow, he can really see how effective it can be.

When they pull away to breathe, Buck rests his forehead against Eddie’s. His chest heaves with low gasps, and he shuts his eyes to block out the wave of overwhelm in his tear ducts.

“It’s okay,” Buck whispers. And Eddie breaks. Oh, how he breaks, gasping into sobs, clutching Buck like a lifeline as all the pent up emotions release like floodgates.

And Buck…Buck holds him through it, like he always has. Except now closer than ever, rubbing soothing patterns on Eddie’s back as he shakes and cries and ruins his damn sweater with tears and snot.

When Eddie’s sobs subside into hiccups, Buck continues to hold him, whispering soothing sounds in the quietness of their living room.

“Eugh, I’m disgusting,” Eddie chokes out through a laugh. He pulls away, wiping his face with the sleeve of his sweater.

“I’ve seen worse,” Buck jokes. “I still love you, though.”

Eddie chokes on his next breath, snot shooting straight back into his nose. He coughs from the attack, retreating away to stare at Buck incredulously.

“You what?”

Buck’s eyes are wide, like he didn’t mean to say those words. But there’s a blush climbing up his cheeks. “I love you,” he says.

“I…”

“You don’t have to say it back, though,” he quickly amends.

That’s enough to shake Eddie out of his misery. “Buck, I asked you to move in with me. I gave you my son! How is that not me saying that I love you?” And oh, it feels so good to say it. “I love you,” he says again, shivering at the thrill it leaves in his bones. “I love you, Buck.”

Buck laughs almost hysterically at how delightful it sounds. “I love you, Eddie.” His smile is blinding, captivating, sensational. “Wow.”

“Yeah,” Eddie can’t help but smile too. “Wow.”

They burst into giggles, the tears Eddie was sporting now dried on his cheeks. He pushes himself next to Buck, nuzzling into the warmth his body heat generates.

They breathe together for a bit, Buck wrapping his arms around Eddie once more. Eddie gets braver and does the same, fingers closing around his wrist as he holds the full perimeter of Buck’s waist. He likes the way it feels when Buck breathes, his arms moving with his diaphragm as it rises and falls. Slowly, the pounding of his heart grows slower and quieter, matching the steady hum of Buck’s, which he can hear from his ear pressed against his chest.

It’s a little uncomfortable but Eddie can’t find it within himself to let go. Neither is Buck, who’s settled his chin on Eddie’s head, probably getting his nose tickled by his hair, and squeezes Eddie tighter.

The sounds of a silent house are comforting, like Eddie and Buck have found themselves in their own little bubble outside of space and time. He’s…peaceful. At ease.

“I’m scared,” Eddie confesses suddenly.

“Me too,” Buck replies in a whisper.

It’s comforting to share in the fear. Buck has expressed so many times that he’d like to settle down, he’d like to grow a family. Eddie wants that for him, he wants to give Buck that family - to grow it with him like a garden. “I’d like to date you if that’s on the table,” he says instead, not sure if he has the mental capacity to drop another bomb.

“Definitely,” says Buck, breathing out a sigh of relief, like he’s been waiting to have it said.

“I…” Eddie’s struggling to find words again. How can he express the intensity of his desires? “I want to do everything with you.”

Buck jostles his chin and presses what feels like a kiss on the top of Eddie’s head. “The feeling’s mutual.”

Eddie blinks back more tears. “The— the crying thing. It’s going to happen a lot.”

“I figured.”

He wants to push back. “I’m not gonna be easy to take care of.”

But Buck is clearly well-prepared. “I’ve already been doing it well enough now to know that’s not true.”

There’s a grin playing on Eddie’s lips. “Oh, so you’re an expert on me?”

“You’re pretty easy to read,” Eddie feels him shrug. “I just notice stuff about you that others don’t. Besides, you’re like a feral cat I found in the back of a shed.”

“I’m not a feral cat!” Eddie protests, twisting his way out of Buck’s grip to look at him directly.

Buck’s grin is like the Cheshire Cat. “You totally are.”

Eddie doesn’t even have a solid argument to defend himself, knowing that Buck can argue his way out of anything. There’s a warm silence, a stand-off if you will, like Buck is waiting for Eddie’s rebuttal so he can shoot him down another peg.

“Take me to bed?” Eddie asks instead, secretly enjoying the way Buck’s breath hitches in his throat, staring at Eddie with wide eyes.

“Eds, are you sure?”

“What, are you afraid your innocence will be taken?” Banter. He’s good at this. “It’s not like we haven’t shared a bed before. There’s just more gay stuff involved.”

Buck easily takes the bait. “Well, then let’s take our socks off before we get clocked by the gay fairy.”

They giggle all the way to Eddie’s bedroom, going through the motions of a bedtime routine, Buck briefly going to his room to change into his bedtime sweats. The separation makes Eddie feel uneasy, but Buck is back and they lock eyes in the bathroom as they brush their teeth, shoulders bumping together like they always have. Eddie feels overdressed in his flimsy tank top and sleep shorts compared to Buck, who’s shirtless and beautiful, grey sweatpants hanging low over his hips. And it’s not like Eddie hasn’t seen him shirtless before, in fact, he sees it every day. But this time…this time arousal simmers in the pit of his stomach because he’s allowed to touch if he wants to. But he doesn’t, not right now.

It feels like it’s always been this way. Buck and Eddie, going to bed together, together. It makes the ball in Eddie’s esophagus jump up and down, his nerves singing as if they’re on fire. But it’s fine if Eddie shakes a little when he gets under the covers, and it’s fine when Buck joins him, scooting closer and closer until they’re touching again. Buck worms his hand to Eddie's, taking it in his own and lacing their fingers together.

“Is this okay?” he asks, turning his head to face Eddie, who mirrors him, his heart skipping several beats.

“Yeah,” says Eddie, back to the resumed steady pound of his chest.

Buck blinks, his eyelashes fanning over his cheeks. “I really want to kiss you again.”

“Go for it,” Eddie breathes, and they’re kissing again. It’s just as thrilling as the first time. With their held hands squished between them, Eddie moves his free hand to hold Buck’s face, just…holding it. Because he can. Because he’s allowed to, because he wants to.

Eddie puts his entire focus on kissing Buck, wanting to draw out the moment to make it last forever. When Buck breathes out, he breathes in, taking in every second of sensations he can commit to memory. Buck smells like his deodorant, tastes like his toothpaste, his stubble lightly scratching Eddie’s palm. Buck is perfect, and Eddie drinks him in like it’ll be the last thing he ever does.

Buck makes a noise that sounds like a groan and slots his leg between Eddie's, placing his hand on Eddie’s hip, thumb brushing the exposed skin of Eddie’s midriff. Buck’s hand is so warm, it radiates heat, and Eddie nuzzles into it like a—well, like a cat. So much for beating the allegations. The thigh between his legs feels nice too, and the hint of arousal nudges its way into Eddie’s hindbrain. But that’s for later.

Right now, he’s kissing Buck, and that’s all he needs right now. It’s all he wants right now. It’s all he can realistically handle right now. Buck delicately takes Eddie’s bottom lip between his teeth and pulls back, to which he responds with a shaky gasp. He’ll readily admit that Buck is a really good kisser —a fantastic one— and honestly, he’s really enjoying the fact that he’ll be the only one kissing Buck for the foreseeable future. Possibly forever.

Their tangled hands begin to tingle pins and needles underneath their bodies, and regretfully, Eddie pulls his hand away to bring back the sensation. Buck smiles sheepishly but laughs when Eddie shakes his hand, almost dramatically, then shifts a little before making a move that has his stomach swooping.

Buck looms over him with a grin, and dips down to capture Eddie’s lips again, his body a comfortable weight against him. This feels good. Eddie doesn’t remember the last time he made out with someone that didn’t quickly lead to sex. Besides…Shannon. Ana and Marisol were quick to shed clothes and then some, which Eddie didn’t mind, he was happy to follow their lead and just lose himself in the sensations and not think about anything. Sex felt like that. Just sex.

But kissing Buck feels like so much more than that. It feels right, it feels safe, it feels…like everything. He smiles into their next kiss, using both his hands to hold Buck’s face, to keep pulling him in, to keep chasing the feeling again and again and again. He’s already addicted and he never wants to stop.

Buck pulls away and nips at his jaw, Eddie’s breath hitching with every scrape of Buck’s teeth. His fingers tangle into his soft curls and scratches his scalp, relishing in the shiver it gets out of Buck.

“Eddie?” A kiss on his jaw. “Can I?” A kiss on his cheek. “Can— I wanna lay on top of you,” suggests Buck, all quiet, sweetening his request with a toe-curling kiss on his lips.

“Mhm,” Eddie moans into his mouth, trailing his hands to Buck’s shoulders, where he flattens his palms, almost sticking them to Buck’s skin, then resumes his journey to explore between his shoulder blades and down his spine, then back up. “Please.”

So Buck does, twisting away from Eddie briefly so Eddie can scoot closer to the middle of the bed, opening his arms wide, making space for Buck like he always has. Nestling into his left side, Buck wraps his arm over Eddie’s chest, his head fitting just above the crease of Eddie’s armpit. Now, Eddie curls his arm on Buck’s back, holding him close, feeling the warmest he’s ever been. His right hand settles itself on Buck’s bicep, curling his fingers on the muscle lightly, brushing his thumb back and forth under the skin.

Buck jostles around a little more until he’s got his head right under Eddie’s chin, mouthing at Eddie’s neck and collarbone gently, as if to remind him that he’s there. Shivers spread through Eddie’s body and he shakes again, breathing deeply as he presses a kiss to Buck’s curls. In response, Buck squeezes him tight, pressing another kiss to his neck.

Staring at the ceiling, with Buck falling asleep in his arms, Eddie sends out a silent message to Shannon, thanking her for everything, and to the universe, for giving him bravery to finally get what he wants. He almost doesn’t want to fall asleep, afraid the spell will wear off. But Buck is solid in his arms, breath puffing on his skin, locked around him like an octopus and just like that, Eddie’s fears are gone.

With his eyelids heavy, Eddie falls asleep.

——

Tomorrow comes soft with the morning light. It peeks through the blinds, Eddie’s eyelids flickering awake. So much for sleeping in. His mouth is dry, the need to pee already strong and insistent on his bladder. But he’s cozy where he’s cocooned in the blankets, waking up warmer than he has in…probably, years.

The source of his warmth is…Buck. Oh, fuck, he definitely didn’t imagine last night. Everything comes flooding back in rolling waves, coursing through his veins with gentle tingles. They moved sometime in the night, with Eddie ending up on his stomach and Buck half-plastered over his back with a possessive arm around his waist.

It’s funny, Buck is snoring as loudly as ever, but this time, Eddie doesn’t mind. Instead of annoying, it’s endearing, almost like he was annoyed at Buck sleeping on the couch and not in his bed, and was blaming it on the snoring.

His bladder makes itself known again and he groans, careful to make it quiet lest he wake Buck up. As careful as he can make it, Eddie subtly moves away, his heart breaking at the crease of Buck’s brows when his arm no longer has something to hold onto. Buck stays sleeping, though, and there he remains until Eddie finishes in the bathroom and slides back in bed, taking advantage of Buck’s position to gather him back in his arms.

Surprisingly, he doesn’t stir, instead, he sleepily grabs Eddie’s hand from where it hangs on his stomach and gathers it to his chest, puffing out another snore.

Jesus, I’m so in love with him.

The thought doesn’t startle him like it used to, because he really is in love with him. And Buck knows, he knows! He knows and he’s stayed and is just as in love with him.

Eddie falls asleep again, taking advantage of actually sleeping in now that he can. Chris, now officially into the foray as a pre-teen, is definitely still sleeping, his body starting to adapt to the constant changes and therefore needing more rest. So Eddie takes the wins where he can, but secretly mourns how fast his child has grown.

He wakes slowly this time, nuzzling his nose against the back of Buck’s neck. Buck stirs a little, his gentle snores stopping abruptly as he wakes, groaning a little.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Eddie murmurs into his ear.

Buck yawns, and Eddie can feel his ribs as they expand in his arms. “G’morning.”

With a content sigh, Eddie presses kisses on the base of Buck’s neck up to his hairline. Then he moves to behind Buck’s ear, kissing a path to his cheek to finally his lips, where Buck eagerly opens up for him, warm and hot and honestly, the morning breath isn’t that bad.

They make out for a bit before Buck’s stomach grumbles and Eddie pulls away from Buck’s lips with a chuckle, ignoring the thrum of arousal at seeing Buck’s spit-slick lips parted open, eyes fluttering and kiss-drunk.

“Breakfast?” Eddie asks instead, pulling away further and further and off the bed, ignoring the co-dependent part of his brain that whines at being separated from Buck.

“That’s a good idea,” says Buck, stretching his arms high above his head, and Eddie just stands there and stares, because he can. Buck notices, because of course he does, and smirks as he draws out his stretching session, grinning when Eddie swipes a hand over his mouth to stop himself from drooling. Then he frowns, the gears in his head turning. “What about Chris? Do we— I mean, can we—“

“Tell him?” Eddie finishes for him. “I think so. Honestly, I think he knows already.”

He’s surprised his own son didn’t stage his own intervention when Buck moved in, wandering around the house with his eyes peeled and squinted like a hawk everytime Eddie did something stupid. That Diaz cold shoulder has evolved into the Diaz all-seeing eye. Terrifying.

“Can I still bribe him with pancakes?” Buck asks tentatively, and who is Eddie to refuse?

“Please add some sort of fruit and some protein. I can’t have our son living off sugar.”

Eddie doesn’t miss the way Buck’s breath hitches in his throat, eyes shimmering with emotion. It delights a thrill through his entire body as he grins and leaves the bedroom to go wake his son-- their son. With a gentle knock, Eddie calls out for Chris, who answers with a loud groan. When Eddie sweetens the pot with a Buck breakfast, the door swings open and Eddie gets body-checked by a pre-teen in full force, leaving him winded and wheezing.

He stumbles for breakfast later after showering, brushing his teeth and running over every part of last night’s events in his head, the excitement tingling from the top of his head to the end of his toes. Buck entertains Chris in the kitchen, giving him random jobs to do and mock-yelling in a horrible British accent like he’s Gordon Ramsey. His heart swells with affection.

When everything’s finished and plated, they all sit together as a family. Buck and Chris chatter and joke like they always have, but this time it feels like more. It feels right, like their home has finally settled in its foundations now that their family is complete. They polish off their plates, and Eddie takes the dishes to wash them, silently signalling to Buck to start the conversation.

“Hey, Chris, um,” Buck stumbles into it, his tone attempting to get more serious. But he’s been smiling the entire time and Chris is obviously the smartest kid alive.

“Are you guys together?” he blurts out.

Eddie drops the plate he was washing into the water. He curses quietly, fishing it out, sighing in relief when he finds it’s not broken.

“I don’t care,” Chris adds, like it’s obvious. “I mean, I do care but it’s been kinda obvious you two were in love with each other. It was kinda gross seeing you two dance like those mating birds.”

Buck snorts.

Since Eddie can’t catch a fucking break, Chris keeps going, “Also, I heard you guys last night. Dad was crying and was being really weird. It was like a telenovela.”

“Okay,” Eddie bemoans. “That’s enough outta you, bud. I’m a sap, we get it.”

“Yeah, you’re a sap,” Buck agrees, coming up to wrap his arm around Eddie’s waist and press a kiss to his cheek. “You’re my sap.”

Eddie kisses him just for that, which Chris protests against, because adults kissing are gross. Just to spite his son, Eddie kisses him again for good measure, and Buck squeezes his waist before ushering Chris into the living room, promising to teach him the Konami code.

It’s all so domestic and cute and yeah, Eddie could get used to this.

—

Unfortunately, Eddie’s new-found bliss has found him in a new predicament. He can’t keep his hands to himself now that he can use them, which makes it really hard during shifts to tone his affection back down to what it was. They gotta be professional and all that, now.

Bobby’s the first to know about them, given that they might as well get the HR forms sorted sooner rather than later before they accidentally slip up and make out in a supply closet or something. Honestly, it’s not a bad idea.

But they’re in the captain’s office, standing stiff as boards, as Bobby looks at them both with raised eyebrows and a knowing smile. The back of Eddie’s neck is hot and slick with sweat, his fingers twitching with the need to hold Buck’s hand for support. He doesn’t dare look at him, taking in every second of Bobby’s silence like the beat of the drum to the gallows.

“Please, take a seat,” he says, opening up the folder which no doubt holds their forms for relationships in the workplace. With aborted movements, Eddie manages to sit stiffly, still uncomfortable, still poised in that same rigid soldier stance. Buck is less nervous than Eddie, but he can still see the same terror in his eyes. “Since you’ve both elected to not have a union representative present, I should mention that anything discussed in this room is at your own discretion and anything you say can be held liable in future meetings. Sound good?”

Eddie nods, and sees Buck in the corner of his eye do the same.

“Good! Now, let me be the first to congratulate you both. I’m very proud that you’ve found something more than companionship in your relationship and that you both deserve to be happy.”

Buck beams beside Eddie, taking in the praise from his father figure with such gusto and gratefulness that Eddie can’t help but beam back as they go through each section of the form with Bobby.

“Thank you, Cap,” chokes Eddie, taking the bravery and taking Buck’s hand on where it lays on the armchair.

Next is Maddie, who Buck invites over for a casual lunch along with Jee-Yun while Chimney covers a shift. They meet at a relatively nice restaurant, one close by to her house, and she gives Eddie a very knowing look as she settles herself next to him at the table. Jee-Yun babbles at her Uncle Buck, who dotes over her with adoring eyes and that million dollar smile. When they finish ordering, Maddie places her hands on the table and crosses her fingers, leaning in.

“So, to what do I owe the pleasure of you two inviting me for lunch?” she asks coquettishly.

While Buck stammers through a reply, Eddie takes over, biting the bullet. “We’re together,” he says, silently hoping he’s not going to get the shovel talk again.

Maddie hums, raising her eyebrows as she takes a sip of her coffee. “Interesting,” she says, completely unsurprised. “How long?”

“About a week ago,” Buck replies, none the wiser.

“Actually, it was right after you invited yourselves into our home,” Eddie corrects. “You uh, you gave me that final push to…talk.”

Maddie looks smug as all hell. “Oh, really?” she grins, wide and bright like Buck. It’s times like these he can really see the resemblance. “I’m glad to know that something got through to you.”

Eddie laughs self-deprecatingly, which is soothed quickly by Buck’s hand on his back, warm and grounding. “I think I just needed to be a little brave.”

Her eyes soften. “I think Buck needed to be brave, too,” she says, ignoring Buck’s hiss of her name. “You know, he’d come over and wax poetic about you, going on and on about how great you are--”

“Maddie!” Buck whines, and Eddie can’t help but feel some small comfort to that, leaning on his elbows as he watches Buck flounder and blush so prettily, it matches the coral pink polo he’s wearing.

“Oh, and don’t even get me started on when you asked him to move in. He was over the moon!” she cackles, Jee-Yun laughing with her.

“Well, now I’ve gotta know this story,” Eddie teases, unable to help the loose smile that’s sure to be on his face.

Waving off Buck’s face of protest, Maddie just whispers, “We’ll talk about it later.” To which Eddie winks and turns back to Buck, grabbing his hand from where it abandoned its place on his back to squeeze it in reassurance. Feeling a little braver, Eddie tugs him along so he can plant a kiss on his cheek. The deepening flush on Buck’s face makes it so so worth it.

Finally, with promise from Maddie that she won’t tell Chim just yet, they invite the rest of the 118 to their home for a cookout. While Buck prepares the food, Eddie spends that time making the house and backyard presentable. It’s not the nicest day in LA but it is still kinda perfect the way it lined up with everyone’s schedules, so Eddie doesn’t feel guilty about stealing Buck’s hoodie to keep him warm while he putters around, cleaning the table and re-arranging the pillows and making sure Chris’ water guns are locked away. Knowing their group, they’re all going to be bringing food of some kind but Buck, learning from Bobby, has already cooked enough for an army and Eddie makes a note to reward him well for it.

Eddie feels taken care of. It’s been a long time coming and he still twinges with discomfort when Buck just…does things for him, for no reason, just because he wants to. It’s a little maddening, because Eddie wants to constantly make up for it, to do more to make sure he’s not this needy thing, taking everything Buck gives without giving back. He tries to make sure Buck knows when he’s feeling a little feral and averse to affection but he’s not going to say anything today. Not when Buck looks so proud of himself in his apron stretched over that massive chest of his and Eddie wants to take him to the bedroom and show him how much he loves it but it’s not the time.

Everyone arrives with food of their own, and it just adds to the large spread that Buck already made. There’s sure to be leftovers for weeks. But it’s fun, it’s great, and Eddie’s having a great time. Music plays from Chris’ bluetooth speaker he got for Christmas and the kids have somehow managed to unlock the water guns and are now screaming and spraying each other with water. It’s very reminiscent of the last time they had this, when Eddie was pining and he had just begun to belong even more into this family, and now, he has it all. He and Buck trade secret smiles throughout the night, but the charade is over and Buck smiles when he locks eyes with Eddie, holding his hand out for Eddie to take, and neither of them miss the raised eyebrows and noises of surprise when he does, pulled in like a moth drawn to a flame.

There’s a lot of praise and congratulations and well-wishes before Hen holds out her hands and says “pay up” that the camaraderie fades into groans and laughs. Because Buck is a little shit, he pulls Eddie in close and dips him down, kissing him so hard he sees stars, ignoring the brief panic about being dropped to kiss him back. Buck’s strong arm keeps him stable as he pulls him back up, Eddie chasing his lips all the way. Cheers and whoops echo in his brain but as far as he’s concerned, it’s just static.