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It started with the corner of their kitchen counter.
Emily had been rushing around, trying to get her and JJ coffee to go while her girlfriend got dressed in the bedroom down the hall. She couldn't find her thermos and then when she found her thermos, she couldn't find the lid to JJ's. In her haste, she slammed her hip into the corner, a jab of pain shooting through the bone. Cursing, Emily had doubled over and had to take deep breaths.
It wasn't from the pain though. For some reason, her annoyance at the unfortunate accident caused something in her stomach to erupt into anger. For a second, Emily Prentiss nearly threw their coffee at the wall.
But she didn't.
She breathed. She counted to ten. She straightened up.
Emily managed to find both lids in a cupboard, just in time to hand a thermos off to JJ who was hurrying towards the front door.
That evening, she gingerly tugged the waistband of her jeans down as she stood in front of the bathroom mirror and examined the blotchy bruise that had formed over her hip.
"Damn," Emily hissed as her finger delicately danced over the skin. It wasn't that bad. She had definitely sustained worse injuries during her time alive.
Emily Prentiss had almost died on multiple occasions, and yet it was this bruise that made her want to cry.
Too focused on fighting back her tears and mentally chiding herself for being so dramatic, she didn't notice her girlfriend enter the bathroom until JJ's arms found their way around Emily's waist and the blond rested her chin on Emily's shoulder.
"Nasty bruise," JJ commented. "Is that from today in the field?"
Emily hummed, "No, I was just in a hurry this morning and was being stupid. Smashed into the counter."
"Do you want me to get you some ice?" JJ offered but Emily adamantly shook her head, declining.
"No," She took a deep breath, willing her throat to stop burning with the need to cry. This was ridiculous.
JJ reached up and wiped a tear that had escaped anyway, "You sure? Clearly it hurts."
"I'm sure," Emily pulled away and walked into the bedroom, rummaging through the dresser for a t-shirt.
"Em.."
Tugging out one of JJ's old UPenn tees, Emily hastily threw it on and tossed her jeans in the hamper. Purposely ignoring JJ's tone, she climbed under the covers and turned on the lamp, something she did every night when she and JJ were winding down.
Deciding not to push it, JJ sank into the bed next to her and they instinctively found their way into each other's arms, limbs tangling together. Emily had always been tough. She had always prided herself in being tough. With that being said, JJ still couldn't help but feel concerned by the interaction they just had. She couldn't explain it, but something just felt like it was off.
Over the next few days, JJ's concern only continued to froth and bubble in her stomach. Emily was becoming increasingly distant and increasingly irritable. It seemed like she was always popping tiny red Advils, explaining to JJ wtih a wave of her hand that she was trying to placate a headache.
A very persistent headache. JJ noticed that the Advil didn't seem to be doing much for her girlfriend.
"Hey," JJ decided to test her luck one night. "Are you okay?"
They had managed to make it home at a relatively reasonable time. It helped that they had wrapped the case pretty early in the day, giving them plenty of time to start paperwork before the sun had even started to set. JJ and Emily had agreed on picking up take-out on their way home, neither of them feeling up to cooking even though there was enough time to do so.
Containers of fried rice, Chicken Lo Mein, and egg rolls were spread out on the coffee table and two hearty glasses of red wine had been poured. Reruns of some 70's sitcom were playing on the TV, providing mindless noise. JJ figured this would be a good time to talk.
"I'm fine," Emily brushed her off, reaching over to help herself to another egg roll with her chopsticks.
"Come on Em," JJ pushed. "Don't bullshit me."
Emily bristled and she shot JJ a side eye.
"i'm not bullshitting you," Emily said, her voice wavering as she struggled to keep her calm.
"What's going on with you?" JJ tried her best not to sound accusatory but she obviously wasn't as successful as she would have liked to be.
Emily dropped the egg roll on her plate with an annoyed huff and gritted her teeth. When she spoke, JJ was taken aback by her girlfriend's hostile tone.
"What's going on with you that you have to be insisting that something is wrong?" Emily snapped at her.
"Something is wrong," JJ dialed back her own frustration, focusing on the task at hand. "Em...the irritability, the headaches...whatever this is right now...you're really going to tell me nothing is wrong?"
For a moment, JJ watched something flicker in Emily's eyes. For a moment, the anger that was guarding so much pain disappeared to reveal a pair of scared brown eyes that screamed vulnerability. But as quick as the anger left, it returned and Emily put down her plate of takeout on the coffee table.
"I'm going to take a shower," Emily announced, getting up so harshly that JJ flinched.
The loneliness that seeped into the room once Emily left was like being drenched in cold water. JJ picked at her Chicken Lo Mein, her appetite completely gone at this point. The laughing track from the sitcom still running on TV sounded more hollow than usual and JJ took a deep breath, willing her brain to think rationally. She didn't think that pushing was going to end perfectly. Emily had always been pretty guarded about her emotions. Even when they started dating, it was obvious to JJ that Emily held most of it in.
I guess...maybe I compartmentalize better than most people.
Emily's words echoed in JJ's head. She wasn't wrong when she said that. Emily Prentiss was good at compartmentalizing, especially when it came to their jobs. She rarely brought it home and JJ could always count on her girlfriend to be the arms that held her after a tough case.
But surely at some point, the boxes stop stacking so nicely in one's head. Not everything could be folded nicely and tucked in a corner. Not everything could be guaranteed to never resurface.
Their jobs at the BAU were beyond difficult. The horrors they saw. The work they did. JJ wasn't going to deny that. Yet, something instinctual told her that whatever was going on with her girlfriend wasn't exactly related to their work.
The way Emily complained of her headaches. The way she always had violet bags hanging under her exhausted eyes. The way she was constantly defensive and angry. The way she had all of that, but still insisted she was fine. The way she tried to hide it. JJ had seen all of this before.
At eleven, Jennifer Jareau hadn't been able to recognize the signs. As an adult, as a profiler, she looked back at the way her sister had acted and she could make a list of the signs. As a girlfriend, she could see that there were a lot of similarities between Roslyn and Emily.
The sound of running water continued from the bathroom. Emily was never the "long shower" type of gal, unless JJ was joining her. She preferred them short and in the early morning. Sometimes, she would take cold showers and be ridiculed by JJ for being insane. JJ knew that the only time Emily took long showers was when there was a lot going on in her head.
That was how Emily Prentiss dealt with her emotions.
Long, steaming showers.
It seemed to only get worse from there.
JJ dialed back the insistence after Emily's blatant rejection at talking about whatever this was. She stopped pushing, fearful that Emily would shut down altogether. At least right now, they still functioned fine at work and could get through their time together at home without much tension. However, maybe that wasn't a good thing. Pretending that everything was fine when it really wasn't didn't seem like the most healthy way to tackle things.
A couple more weeks passed with that system in play. On the surface, this system worked just fine. There wasn't any interference when it came to cases. JJ and Emily didn't even argue, though that was probably because JJ had stopped pushing for vulnerability. It worked so well that JJ wasn't even sure that their colleagues knew that something was so very wrong, and they worked with profilers, people trained in analyzing human behaviour.
It worked so well, until it didn't.
Everything was still dark when their alarm went off. That was how it typically was. Early mornings were apart of the job. Like she did every morning, JJ grumbled as she rolled over in bed to smack the alarm clock and turn on the lamp on the bedside table.
"Morning," JJ murmured as she turned back to Emily.
"Morning," Emily mumbled back but JJ watched with concern as her girlfriend shrunk even deeper under the covers.
Saying that Emily Prentiss loved mornings was probably a lie. Emily tolerated them. She was really good at tolerating them too.
"I'll get coffee started?" JJ gnawed on her bottom lip nervously. There had been an underlying tension that had been ignored the past while but this wasn't something JJ could deny.
Emily hummed and pulled the covers tighter around her body. Her eyes remained closed, as though she were trying to stay in a state as close to sleep as possible.
"Em?"
"I think I'm going to call in today," Emily told her. "This headache you know...kicking my ass."
Headache my ass, JJ thought to herself but this was not the time for a conversation that would most likely explode back in her face.
Emily never got sick. She never got sick to the point where she would call in sick and miss work. Emily Prentiss was in a relationship with her job as an FBI agent. She was the definition of pushing past one's limits. JJ often had to be the one to pull her back in, force her to rest, refuse to let her run herself dry.
Emily Prentiss didn't call in sick because of a headache.
But again, this was not the time for that conversation so JJ leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss against her girlfriend's forehead. She promised she would leave the Advil on the bedside table before she left before wriggling off the bed and hopping in the shower.
The team immediately knew something was wrong when JJ walked into the BAU without Emily. They had always been private about their relationship but everyone knew they were dating. It was a rare sight to see one walk into work without the other.
"She's sick," JJ explained even though no one would believe her. Emily Prentiss never called in sick.
"She must be on her deathbed or something," Morgan replied with a shake of his head. "Emily never calls in."
JJ hummed, "Yeah, it's pretty nasty."
That wasn't a complete lie. Whatever Emily was struggling with was pretty nasty.
While it would have been nice to have an extra brain on the case, the team managed without Emily. It wasn't something too tasking. Local police in New Jersey wanted an extra pair of eyes. JJ figured it would take a couple days max to close it up. Truthfully, the BAU probably wouldn't have even taken the case had they even been the tiniest bit busy. However, they had just wrapped up a relatively big case the week prior and nothing else had come in.
Since the nature of the New Jersey case was rather placid (compared to some of the other things the BAU had seen anyway), they found themselves spending most of their time in one of the Princeton Police Department's stations. JJ found herself texting Emily every chance she got, only to feel disappointment and worry fester in her stomach when her girlfriend didn't respond.
"How's Emily doing?" Reid asked JJ during one of these moments when he noticed her staring at her phone.
It didn't take a genius to know that JJ was texting Emily.
"Fine," the blond responded with a forced smile.
Within thirty-six hours, the BAU was preparing to head back to Quantico and JJ could not be more ready for the trip back home. This couldn't continue any longer. Her girlfriend was struggling so much that she couldn't even get herself to work. JJ was going to get to the bottom of this. She needed Emily to stop compartmentalizing, stop keeping it all to herself. She refused to let this continue any longer.
The apartment was dark when JJ unlocked the front door. It usually was when she came home with Emily. However, with Emily being home, JJ had expected some kind of sign that there was someone in the apartment. Instead, it was dark and quiet. Eerily quiet.
"Em?" JJ called out as she locked the door behind her. "I'm home."
Reaching to flick on the light, JJ felt her stomach flutter with concern when she still received no response. The blond kicked off her shoes by the door and tossed her keys in the dish like she did every night. She peeked around the living room and kitchen, just to be sure that her girlfriend wasn't sitting somewhere in the dark. She noticed that the kitchen remained untouched, no dirty dishes or traces that anyone had cooked. The blanket on the couch was still neatly folded and draped over one of the arms.
With a heavy sigh, JJ padded towards the bedroom where the door remained opened, just like she had left it this morning on her way out. She was beginning to think that Emily had spent all day in bed, a thought that only added to her concern. Emily loved their lazy days off, but this was something different.
"Hey..." JJ spoke softly as she approached the bed.
She crouched down on Emily's side and gently reached out to cup Emily's cheek. Emily was tightly tucked in bed, the covers pulled right up to her chin. When she felt JJ's hand against her face, her eyes squinted open and managed a weak smile.
"Hey," Emily mumbled back, leaning into JJ's tender touch. "How was the case?"
"Quick," JJ replied and crawled over Emily to get onto the bed. "Easy."
Emily probably already knew that though, judging by how soon JJ was back.
JJ shifted around until she was under the covers like Emily. She usually preferred a shower whenever she got home from a case, it was a way to wash away all the horrible parts of their job, but today was different. The case wasn't that bad and JJ would much rather be with her girlfriend. JJ wiggled around some more, moving so that Emily's back was pressed against her chest. Just for good measure, she looped an arm over Emily's waist and tugged her closer towards her body.
"Emily," JJ pressed a soft kiss to Emily's neck. "What's going on?"
JJ felt the woman tense in her arms and the blond prepared herself to be pushed away. She was fully expecting Emily to tell her "nothing" and brush her concerns under the facade of a headache.
But instead, after a moment of silence, Emily began to tremble and let out a choked back sob.
"I don't know," Emily's voice was shaky. "Jayje."
JJ's name fell out of Emily's mouth in such a gut wrenching tumble that JJ instinctively pulled her girlfriend even closer to her body. Her fingers began to run soothing strokes through Emily's dark and tangled hair.
"I think you're having a really hard time," JJ whispered into Emily's ear as she stroked her hair. "And it's okay...you don't need to be strong all the time."
As if JJ had just granted her permission, Emily released another smothered sob, her body shaking in the blond's tight embrace. JJ continued to soothe her, murmuring any comforting thing she could think of. When Emily's breathing began to level out and her body had relaxed, leaving only a few tremors behind, JJ decided to push her again.
"Have you ever felt like this before?" JJ asked and she pulled her arm so that Emily would roll over and face her.
Refusing to look into those blue eyes, Emily rubbed her face, trying to get rid of the remnants of her tears.
"A long time ago," Emily finally mumbled and buried her face into the crook of JJ's neck. "I was a teenager...fourteen...fifteen...it was a rough few years."
JJ's heart pounded in her chest as she realized that she was actually getting somewhere with this. She hadn't been pushed away. Emily hadn't shut down yet. She was taking this as a huge win.
"Things were so hard already with all the moving around we did," Emily continued. "I don't know...it's almost like one day I just kind of realized how miserable I was. I was always the new kid. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be okay like everyone else."
"Did you get any help?" JJ asked as she kissed Emily's forehead, a silent encouragement for her to keep talking.
Emily let out a strangled laugh, "No...no, I just threw myself into different things. Things I probably shouldn't have been involved in."
"Oh Em..." JJ's hand found its way to the back of Emily's head as she cradled it.
"Jayje..." Emily's voice was painfully vulnerable and almost resembled that of a fearful child. "Jayje...I got pregnant. I was fifteen and everything was already so bad and I was in no position to have a baby. My friend...he took me to get an abortion. That Sunday he walked me into church and sat with me in the front pew."
JJ closed her eyes, resting her chin on the top of Emily's head.
"You don't have to explain anything to me," JJ whispered gently. "You had every right."
Emily let out a quiet sob and shook her head, "Jayje...my mother. It was always so hard. She never knew. Not about me getting pregnant. About any of it."
"She was hard to talk to?" JJ suggested.
"I could never talk to her," Emily replied. "Everything was always about her job. When she started suspecting something was wrong, she sat me down and told me that I needed to snap out of it. That she didn't have the time to deal with my ridiculousness."
JJ's heart broke, "Oh Em...this isn't something you can just snap out of."
"I know," Emily sobbed. "I know...and I'm so sorry Jay...I'm so sorry."
"No," JJ was so quick to intervene that Emily flinched. "Don't apologize for any of this. None of this is your fault. I want you to talk to me Em. I'm not your mother. I'm not going to tell you this is ridiculous. I want to help you. I want you to feel okay again."
JJ felt Emily release a shaky breath against her body. She felt Emily inhale deeply and hold her breath before exhaling with a tremble.
"I want to feel okay too," Emily's voice was scratchy from holding back tears.
"And you are going to feel better," JJ promised. "With time and some extra help, you're going to get there. I am going to make sure of it."
Emily's body began to shake again and she promptly buried her face even further against the pillow and JJ's neck. JJ sensed that she was feeling vulnerable and unguarded so she tightened her embrace, pressing another kiss to Emily's forehead.
"Have you eaten yet?" JJ asked even though she already knew the answer which was confirmed with a shake of Emily's head.
JJ hummed, not quite liking the answer.
"How about we get some food into you and then we can come back to bed and just snuggle for the rest of the night?" JJ proposed, really hoping that she could coax some food into her girlfriend.
Emily softly whined, "I just want to stay here with you."
"I know...I know you're really tired," JJ acknowledged. "But you need to eat something. That's the thing with depression. It stops you from doing things that will make you feel better."
JJ didn't miss the way Emily physically flinched at the word, as though hearing it had hurt her. The blond lovingly ran her fingers through the dark hair again.
"Okay," Emily nodded and allowed herself to be untangled from JJ's embrace and pulled into a sitting position.
Leaning in, JJ left a lingering kiss against Emily's lips before guiding her out of bed. They trudged into the kitchen where Emily hopped onto the counter, watching JJ move around with ease as she prepared some toast with peanut butter and washed a bowl of grapes. Emily didn't end up finishing all of the food. JJ understood that her girlfriend had no appetite and let her leave half of the toast and a few grapes before trudging back to the bedroom.
They effortlessly settled back under the covers, returning to their previous embrace. With Emily cocooned in her arms, her head leaning against her chest, JJ felt herself truly breathe for the first time in a very long time.
"I love you," JJ reminded her. "This doesn't change anything okay...I love you no matter what and I am going to be here no matter what."
Groggy but aware, Emily nodded and looped her arms around the blond.
"Thank you," She mumbled.
"This is how love works Em," JJ tilted Emily's chin up, forcing her to look into her blue eyes. "There's no terms and conditions to it."
JJ watched as Emily's eyes welled with tears, recognizing that this might be the first time someone had ever truly shown her unconditional love. JJ felt herself tear up at the thought.
"You deserve this kind of love," JJ told her. "I love you."
Emily let her head rest back against JJ's chest and she let out a breath.
"I love you too."